self growth

ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , ,

rebulding trustTRUST STARTS WITH ME –
but I have a right to reciprocation

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 1)

8 POSTs:  HOW  ACoAs ABANDON OTHERS


1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS

2. BEING the Trust VIOLATOR
These suggestions apply mainly to being in a ‘committed’ love unit, but can also be used re. family members & close friends.
If both people want to stay connected AND you’re willing to face your misconduct —
broken-hearta. in GENEAL (re. friends, work…. ) – if the problem is that you were neglectful, manipulated, said cruel things, didn’t keep promises, stole, lied, threatened, hit ….. THEN identify the behavior & stop doing it immediately (read posts listed above)
• be sincere – your victim is scrutinizing your motives & intentions

b. in an INTIMATE relationship – if you were unfaithful or cut off all connection to the “other” person
• take responsibility for your actions – don’t blame anyone else or make excuses
promise keeper• offer an honest apology & a thorough account of what really happened – and if possible the why of your actions

• do not expect instant forgiveness & reinstatement, especially if you’ve been disloyal, untruthful & undependable before
• take immediate action to restore the rift between you & the other person, including listening to & validating their emotional pain & outrage, which you caused

• know you’re likely to be on probation, but if the relationship is important to you & them, commit to behaving in an upstanding way & then work at keeping your promise
• restate or change your shared goals & interests that you can both build on
• be able to sustain good behavior over the long haul
• be willing to get professional help (individual & couples), go to AA, Al-Anon, pray for healing of underlying damage……

😻 BUILDING Trust in an Intimate relationship
✤  Be Authentic – uncover & live in your True Self which includes the Natural Child ego state, which houses all talents, attitudes, tastes, genetic tendencies, learning styles, personality type…. as well as basic weaknesses

✤ Keep your Word – Realistically, do what you say you’re going to do, SO don’t promise anything you can’t / don’t want to do
✤ Be Transparent – nothing hidden (text messages, websites, finances … & no stockpiling unexpressed emotions

✤ Don’t Lie – neither blatant lies, nor letting the other person believe something that’s not true
✤ Confess Promptly (see 3 posts re. AA’s 10th Step).
No one can be perfect. Instead of letting problems fester, quickly & appropriately admit omissions, lies & mistakes (0000)

😰 BOTH : To HEAL
🔺 Know the Details –  Violators give their side of the event, to provide you with a broader perspective : What, when, where? What may have contributed to this situation? Are there mitigating circumstances?

🔺 Release Anger – Betrayed person (you) needs to acknowledge anger, & use healthy ways of getting it out. The offender too needs to express resentment & anger harbored from before

🔺 Commitment – Both parties need to define what’s required to stay committed, IF they want to keep the relationship
🔺 Rebuild Trust & the Relationship  – see below  (MORE….)

QUALITIES of any GOOD Relationship – BEING:
• Approachable – willing to listen & when necessary, be able to handle things you may find hard to hear
• Appreciative – don’t take each other for granted & be realistic. Say ‘thank you’ when deserved & give compliments when appropriate & sincere  (showing Love)
couples love• Caring & Kind – Don’t stop saying “I love you”. Find ways to be thoughtful, considering the other person’s tastes & preferences. (5 Love Languages)
When angry, state your E. in a way that will do the least emotional damage.  You’re more likely to be heard, &  prevents a buildup of resentments in the other

• Fun to be around – a sense of humor is always welcome. Plan enjoyable things to do together that are relaxing & entertaining. Have your own interests as well, so you have something new to contribute
• Helpful – approach problems together. Combine the best skills & natural talents of each to solve life’s difficulties, creating a greater sense of unity & strength

• Positive – think confidently about yourself (not arrogant), & treat the other from the same point of view. Start from the assumption that you both have the possibility of growth & happiness, without overlooking limitations & flaws

communicate• Respectful – appreciate & value your differences, as well as enjoying your similarities. Don’t try to change the other, but be clear about what you need, & would like to see improved in the relationship
• Trustworthy – see post. Be consistent!
• Understanding – encourage open communication of needs, opinions & emotions

NEXT: Double Messages – Basics #2

ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

backstabbedIT’S HARD TO LET GO
when I’ve been disrespected

PREVIOUS: Being Trustworthy

QUOTE: “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” ˜˜George MacDonald, Scottish novelist


1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS
Because ACoAs have been let down again & again by our family, as adults we continue the pattern of feeling unsupported :

1. BY assuming we have an understanding with a friend, lover, boss…. that they will treat us with respect & reliability – without actually talking to them about our needs & hopes, nor getting an agreement from them!

• We expect people to be able to read our mind – the way a small child legitimately needs their parents to be able to do – showing that we’re still functioning emotionally from the WIC

• So when someone does not come thru for us the way we expect (unsaid by either party) we feel betrayed.
BUT what has actually been betrayed are our own hopes, illusions, fantasy & assumptions about the other person!  In these cases others have not betrayed us, since they did not make the commitment we imagined, whether emotional, physical, financial or verbal

2. BY keeping people in our life who DO continually disappoint, while longing to be with someone we can truly depend on.  To change who we choose we need to continually work on S & I

• When we catch someone actually messing up, they can react several ways: apologize insincerely, make excuses, withdraw or attack us.

These tactics are meant to deflect responsibility from themself, while underneath they may be:
• puzzled as to what they did wrong, because they’re shut down (Es) & in deep denial (Ts) about their character defects, so they can’t change what they don’t understand
• indifferent, insensitive, narcissistic – don’t care about you
• may feel self-hate, shame, guilt, fear, anger, but can’t own them, so they need defenses (character defects) as protection

stay or goThere are MANY WAYS to be betrayed, and not just by a cheating spouse or lover.  It can be by paid professionals, family members, friends, colleagues, bosses or clergy
•  If you’ve been hurt on many occasions by someone you believed in, you have to decide if you can continue, or need to end the association.
Choosing between the 2 is rarely easy or fast, but in most cases leaving is ultimately the best for your PMES health – if possible. At the very least you can put some distance by using healthy boundaries.

• If you want to continue the relationship (or not), you need to & have a right to ask for a ‘talk’ to clear the air, but they may not be able or willing.
You can’t force someone to admit to flaws in the way they treat you, nor change the way they act, no matter how hard you try!

🧩 STAYING with a VIOLATOR
As the Violated person, you need to :
• identify & deal with your painful emotions of betrayal (shock, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear…) – instead of excusing the other by minimizing their bad behavior, the practical consequences & emotional distress (a CD)

• ask for total transparency – no more lying or double-dealing. They need to be forthcoming without always being prodded
• going forward — believe the person’s actions not their words

• adjust your expectations to what’s actually possible in this situation. Evaluate unrealistic hopes or demands you have of the other person
• be respectful, positive & kind (not punishing or vengeful), but stay awake

• look at yourself too, for any way you may have contributed to the problem.  You did not cause their behavior but may have helped create a climate which made it inevitable or too easy for them to act out – including things you did NOT do or say

• decide if you can forgive. This does not mean white-washing or overlooking bad behavior. Work to understand the reasons behind their behavior & have some compassion for their weaknesses – knowing the choices made are from their WIC.
But the actions are unacceptable, so letting go of hurt may take time

NEXT: Rebuilding Trust (Part 2)

Being TRUSTWORTHY

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being reliableTRUST ALWAYS STARTS WITH ME –
by honoring my awareness & knowledge

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting (Part 2)

QUOTES: “One who does not act in accordance to the deep voice of his inner conscience can not be honest, truthful, trustworthy, loyal & faithful to anyone.”  ~ Anuj Somany, Indian Poet & Civil Engineer

“A relationship without Trust is like a car with our fuel – it can not move ahead.”∼ Invaji

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

TRUSTWORTHINESS
DEF: Being consistent in what you say & do – the same at work, at home & everywhere else. You don’t pretend to be someone else – you are accountable, reliable, responsible & resourceful. ”  Consistency reinforces trust.

We first need to be reliable toward our Inner Children. Then we’ll express that quality toward others, which gives ACoAs the sense of empowerment we say we want. With an inner assurance & positive outer experiences, it reduces anxiety in ourself & with the people we deal with.
🔑 Trustworthiness is based on a combination of our natural Personality, shared Values, Skills, Integrity & Good-will, which applies to all types of relationships.

BEING Trustworthy requires that WE:
• have mostly stopped obeying the Bad Parent voice & all it’s Toxic Beliefs
• are not driven by Self-Hate
• no longer have to lie in order to hide ourself (see the ACoA Laundry List )
• become much less afraid of abandonment, so can take reasonable risks
WE:
• have burned off enough rage so we don’t have to take it out on others, no matter how subtly
• don’t need to compel anyone to stay with us, to insist others see us, to prove ourself….
• are able to hear our own ‘still small voice’ & act on it (intuition)
• know what our rights, skills & talents are, & are not afraid to use them

POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS
Psychological – BE:
• first & foremost honest with yourself, based on self-esteem
• able to resist temptations to hurt others for your benefit
• fair in all your interactions – treat others as you want to be treated
• respectful of others’ point of view, even when you deeply disagree
UNIT in chargeBE:
• concerned for others as individuals who have their own path in life (not ours). It gives insight into why people do things or are the way they are
• empathetic with others’ difficulties whenever possible, without taking care of or fixing them
• sympathetic with others’ humanity – allow for faults & mistakes
• able to communicate accurately, openly & transparently (not manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, controlling, sullen or using CDs)

Practical – BE:
• dependable, keep your word, follow thru – within reason. Don’t over-commit, try to impress or promise things you can’t deliver or have no control over
• competent and efficient  – not perfect
• consistent and predictable – not controlling or rigid
BE:
• able to keep other people’s secrets & personal information to yourselfgood communiaction
• faithful & loyal to those who’ve earned your trust
• defend or protect others whenever possible
BE:
• able to listen carefully, with an open mind, without losing yourself
• willing to talk about what you personally know or have experienced, rather than spouting facts, exaggerating or being boastful
AND:
• defend or protect others whenever possible
• ask others about what they know & how they feel – do not be arrogant, superior, narcissistic
• share control, when appropriate, encouraging co-operation & allowing yourself to be supported

BENEFITS of being Trustworthy
happy kidRe. US
• We feel good about ourself, have self-respect & can hold our head high in any situation
HINT: A happy Inner Child makes for a happy Adult!
• It represents good character (requires doing the ‘right’ thing even when it’s costly or risky), which allows us to build a good reputation
• We find & enjoy abundance in any area of life, & connect with others in our search for satisfying existences

Re. OTHERSfrindly biz wmn
• Being authentic makes us stand out & become known for integrity
• It makes people want to be around us
• Others like dealing with us professionally, are pleased to see us socially & generally feel comfortable around us
• It makes it easier to get others to cooperate on projects & events
• It contributes to making our community & the world a better place

NEXT: ACoAs Rebuilding Trust – #1

HOW to TRUST

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how to trust IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting #4


LIE DETECTING
• To safely trust requires a relatively healthy Inner Self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically (in our gut).
> Safety does not come from being naive, a patsy or being unrealistic, which are part of Over-T.

• Some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have a higher social IQ, while others have to work at it, but it can be developed.
When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix.  As we get to know them, we’ll be able to tell if they’re reliable, by noticing things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evasion

Interesting: Nancy Carter & J. Mark Weber (2010) surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed that cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Scientists then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.

catch a liarTo everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting (of others) participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores.
They were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical giveaways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch.
The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap!

This suggests:
• even though low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them (maybe a projection of their own tendency) –  they’re actually not very good at  spotting the dishonest ones
• because high-trusters are better at catching lies, they’re less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & taking social risks.
Also, people who are generally predisposed to being trusting are seen by others as trustworthy .

PRACTICAL TRUST in BIZ comes from assessing someone’s :
a. Ability – base expectations of competence on some proof that a candidate has the knowledge & skill to meet your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate. ONLY ask them what they have to offer when you have reliable sources & you’re sure they’ve had first-hand experience Contrats

b. Integrity – how well the hired person sticks to principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties. This may include a Marriage contact – expecting your spouse to keep their promise of fidelity
In BIZ:  > the company you work for providing all stated commitments
> the contractor doing the remodeling job – well, & for the price quoted

c. Respect / Caring – in personal relationships, trust develops over time, so you find out that the person:
• cares enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru’ thick or thin, while still taking care of themself  (MORE….)

You can Trust SAFE people if you ALREADY HAVE the:
• Ability to find & let safe people into your life,  building relationships based on mutual respect, caring & concern, so both can grow & mature independently
• Emotional health to appropriately rely on safe others, so they have opportunities to treat you in a fair, open & honest way
• ‘Trust’-glue of good relationships, that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner assurance of acceptance from the person who you can share secrets with. That things are fine between you – so come what may – nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other

BEING ABLE TO : safe people
• Choose the right people to be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re ‘weak’ / needy
• Let safe-others know your emotions & reactions, with the confidence they’ll respect you & not take advantage
TO :
• Assume safe-others won’t intentionally hurt or abuse you if you make a mistake
• Open up to safe-others about your background, problems, concerns & limitations, assured they won’t cut you off because of them
• Share your innermost Truth with a few others, with the belief – from experience – that they won’t spread it around.

NEXT: Being Trustworthy

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust #3

SITEs: “5 Facets of trust”

 “Cultivation & Manifestation of Trust”  


ATTITUDES that DEVELOP the ability to TRUST

• Diminished fear: many of us will have to ‘act as if’ until we feel safer. Intense fears from the past can linger, & ‘new’ ones depend on negative self-talk & staying with unrecovered people. “If it’s hysterical, it’s  historical”. The less FoA & S-H we have the less our day-to-day fear.  In any case, even with our anxiety, we don’t have to restrict all our interactions & activities

• A healing environment: good therapists, healers, teachers, recovery & spiritual groups.  As we grow we can change how we interact with significant others, which will lessen blame, accusations & acrimony on all sides

• More openness: Others can’t connect with us if we keep hiding our True Self.  With Recovery we can risk being appropriately open with the right people, who have proven themselves to be kind & supportive, so that they can get to know & appreciate us

• Self-acceptance: to do this we have to know who we are – good points & weaknesses.  There’s NO room for self-abuse, only realistic assessment of ALL our qualities, abilities & knowledge.  Improved self-esteem makes it safer to get close to people without getting abused, or worrying about being  abandoned

• Self-disclosure of our woundedness:  Al–anon suggests that “You’re only as sick as your secrets”, so we need to air out our pain & distorted thinking – but ONLY in safe places & with healthier people

• Reduced Competitiveness : ACoAs don’t always want exactly what others have, but are envious (between 2 people) & jealous (between 3 or more) because those people are getting their needs met but we’re not allowed to! We feel thoroughly powerless, becoming enraged & obsessed. Instead – the more we provide our needs, there’ll be less desire for competition or accusations of unfairness, reducing barriers between ourself & others

Reverse• Remembering the balance of life : the “Boomerang Effect’’ shows that if we are dishonest, mistrusting, narrow-minded… we assume everyone else is too, & are more likely to meet up with the same type.
BUT if we practice being sincere, respectful, kind, open-minded (but not foolish), most people will respond by showing us their best side too. This is not the same as being a victim or people-pleaser, which some people can’t resist taking advantage of

• Hope in the overall good will of mankind : without it we become isolated, bitter, cynical & emotionally stuck.
With it,  we can learn to recognize & pull out the ‘weeds & parasites’ in our life, knowing that not everyone is narcissistic or dangerous.

NOTE : Trust as a Virtue – in some cultures (rural, religious, fraternities, armed forces, police, gangs, tight-knit criminals….) cooperation & friendly social relations are based on mutual trust & trustworthiness – a great virtue. They’re considered a prerequisite for integrity & social interaction (“I’m no snitch, I’ve got you back, blood is thicker than water….. ”) (Morton Deutsch, 1973)

HEALTHY PEOPLE WANT TO: 
• be honest with themself & others in important matterscommunication
• tell their truth, or if they don’t feel safe doing so, be clear as to why
• opt for compromise when someone differs with them on important matters
• consistently keep their promises
• be respectfully direct & assertive, rather than aggressive or submissive

NEXT: HOW to Trust

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 THE MORE I TRUST MY JUDGMENT
the better my discernment

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

 

♟️ Trust CHARACTERISTICS (using T.E.A.)
All 3 must be present, to some degree, for optimum trust to exist – whether in personal or business relationships

competence1. Competence / Results / Ability
Mental: The conscious ability to evaluate & discriminate among various “people, places & things” in order to identify which ones are to be trusted, to what extent, & in what arenas. Quote : We need to “Read reality truthfully in order to respond responsibly.”

Practical: To demonstrate the ability to get results – combine practical knowledge ➕ adapt to circumstances – which allows a person or group to deliver on promises

2. Character / Integrity / Valuesintegrity-
Mental: When a person or group is clear about their beliefs, attitudes, feelings & perceptions, without accepting what other people project on to them. They know that self-understanding & development are important, tracking how they express their values in every-day life

Practical: The internal agreement between a person’s values & actions make them reliable & therefore trustworthy. When things don’t go well they acknowledge & figure out what happened, taking responsibility for their part – without S-H, & work positively to improve future outcomes

3. Compassion / Concern / Benevolencedoctor
• Being aware of one’s connection to & inter-dependence with others, which inspires agreement & caring actions
• Genuinely valuing & respecting others. The emotional investment in people allows them to reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from appreciation & gratitude

• The extent to which a person has the best interests of another in mind, which is not ego-driven or primarily profit-oriented
• Includes a high level of empathy, which shows up as genuine caring for & help toward a person or group

HEALTHY TRUST (H.T.)
H.T. is knowing who & what can be relied on – or not. Legitimate trust comes in large part from experience, so it’s imperative for ACoAs to not jump too easily or quickly into new situation or with new people
H.T. allows us & others to be human – with weaknesses & strengths, while having a generally favorable outlook on life

H.T. assumes things usually work out, but can also deal with frustration, delay & loss without falling apart –  not automatically reacting from FoA
H.T. allows us to ‘trust the process’ of life, participating in an activity (like Recovery or learning a skill) without knowing the outcome, since we can’t predict the future, no matter how much we wish we could

H.T. takes time to develop. ‘Instant trust’ is a symptom of symbiosis &/or being in fantasy
H.T. means being awake in every situation, & evaluating what’s really going on, by having access to our gut feelings (the YEAH or ICK factors). It’s when we’re emotionally clear enough to tell when someone / thing is suitable or unsuitable specifically for us, OR when they are objectively harmful, neutral or beneficial

NOTE: This is opposite to that ACoA addictive ‘high’ we get from being with someone whose damage fits ours hand-in-glove, someone enough like our abusive family that we’re sure we found our soul mate! 
Yuck!
This lala trance-state comes from the WIC, heading to disappointment & danger, because the high hides our FoA, lack of Boundaries, & ultimately our Longing for an idealized mommy

TRUSTWORTHY People WILL :
• accept us for who we are – rather than what they wish we were,  AND not for what we sound like, how we look, what we do or have
• affirm & encourage us in troubled times  (vs. ignore or criticize)
• appreciate our personal talents as well as accept our limitations

• balance the good they see in us against our mistakes & flaws
• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, sympathetic way (not shaming or  insensitive)
• listen to us with compassion, when we need to vent (not trying to fix / solve our problems)

• respect our choice of friends, activities, & spirituality (neither object nor automatically agree with)
• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs – equally with their own – even if they conflict
• respect our limits & boundaries, including times when we need privacy or solitude  (not taken as a rejection)
• understand & empathize with us, within their capacity.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 4)

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 2)

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TRUST

TRUSTING MY JUDGEMENT  
needs a realistic basis!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trust (#2)

SITE: re. Trust issues, brief Questionnaire


♟️ High Trust relationship are built on : Authenticity, Consistency, Empathy, Integrity & Transparency.   (SITE “Cultivating Trust…..“)

♟️ DIMENSIONS : Main components of Trust
🔑 Assumed = It’s time dependent, built one action at a time. The more consistent your behavior, the more likely others are going to assume you’ll act the same way again.
🔑 Associative = Others will trust you based on the stories they’re heard / read about you, so you have the least influence or control over this aspect
OR – how you gauge your trust-level is based on preconceived stereotypes you may have (gender, race, wealth….)
OR – how similar or different someone is to you (comfort level familiarity)
🔑 Vulnerable = the fastest path to building trust with someone else is when both people… express vulnerability – the act of exposing oneself to possible harm, rejection, or scrutiny – in an effort to connect beyond a surface level relationship.

♟️ ASPECTS
🔆 Delayed Reciprocity – to create trust use the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. If I do something for you now, I trust (hope, expect) that it will be repaid / returned, in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

🔆 Exposevulnerabled Vulnerability – in a trust arrangement you may be leaving yourself open to being taken advantage of.  The threat of pay-back from someone or feeling guilty about asking may curb the temptation to exposed your ‘soft side’. We’re looking for fairness. So I feel that “for things to work between us successfully, I need to be able to trust that you won’t make me (or yourself) suffer”.

🔆 Predictability – it’s normal for people to make forecasts, trying to figure out what others will do or what will happen, for ourself personally & in the world in general. We want to spot & prepare for threats, as well as make plans to achieve longer-term goals.  The point of greatest unpredictability is at 50%, so a reliable enemy is ‘safer’ than an unpredictable friend – at least we know where we stand with them.

🔆 Value Exchange – Most transactions in life are based on reciprocity, which works because we each Screen Shot 2015-09-20 at 9.27.35 PMvalue things differently. You need food & have a skill, I have money & need a job done…..  Trust in value-exchange occurs when you don’t know very much (or at all) about them, their intention or what they’re actually going to provide. AND you don’t know exactly if what you’re getting is what you asked for & expected.

HEALTHY – You are trustworthy if YOU :
♦︎ keep other people’s confidential information, secrets & vulnerabilities private (exception = when it’s dangerous to others or illegal)
♦︎ regularly follow through on your commitments & show up when / where you say you will be
♦︎ own your mistakes, offer genuine apologies, & then make amends
♦︎ set clear limits & respect those of others
♦︎ when appropriate, show empathy & provide support without harsh judgment

RECOVERY re. “UNDER-Trusting” post – Consider these positive internal responses in relation those who —
• are mean to us: Develop the ability & skill to stand up to them when appropriate & not a danger, or stay away from them altogether

• ignore us: Teach the WIC that no one can make us invisible! Some can see us & some cannot – it’s not a reflection on us (pun intended)!  When we cover o a True Self we are visible to ourself & to those who have ‘eyes’, knowing that we can’t make “blind people see colors!” Everyone else is only a potential connection, but not a necessary one

• do have good boundaries: It’s not their job to rescue or parent us. The distress that gets triggered by their responses to us is from our old wounds, not their behavior. This pain needs to be owned & dealt with in Program, therapy & our spiritual practice.
🙂 And we can learn from these healthier people to develop our own limits & self-care.  The ideal goal is to surround ourself with people who are genuinely trustworthy that will create a safe present & an even better future.

NEXT: Healthy Trust #3

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

catching myself

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust #2

 

“TRUST” comes from the German word “trost” meaning ‘consolation’, which implies feeling comfortable. In this context it’s relevant to remember that ACoAs almost never felt comforted growing up.
It’s one reason we were never able to trust! And now, as adults, we don’t realize how much we still need to be comforted, so we’re ashamed when we feel vulnerable, needy & ‘feeling sorry’ for ourselves

✶ Genuine trust is first & ultimately foremost about being able to trust ONESELF, a quality we cultivate via our True inner Voice. As an adult, it’s trusting your own judgement, knowing from experience & mindfulness that you will get what you’ve asked for – rather than being afraid & hesitantthumbsUp

A major factor for trusting others IS picking the right person, location, opportunity… that suits us & is do-able, staying away from those that are not.
While there’s a certain level of risk because people & life can be unpredictable, if we’re emotionally balanced, it’s possible to be confident enough to handle setbacks & disappointments

• ACoAs need & want safety above all else – even more than love – neither of which our parents provided enough of, so we believe we’re not entitled to it
• But we can’t feel safe if we can’t trust. AND we can’t trust as long as we’re flooded with Self-Hate! The Al-Anon preamble says “…..we will love you until you can love yourself”.

Healthy trust is not about who or what others are. This is hard for ACoAs to internalize because of co-dependence & S-H.  ACoAs need to find people & / or groups that are safe enough to help us heal so we can become kind to ourselves (via the Loving Parent) & trust that “I know what I know!” (via the Healthy Adult)

• Assumption: ACoAs usually think of trust only in the  POSITIVE – ‘I can rely on X…… I can expect Y to…..’, which is true but only unrealiablehalf the story, & encourages Over-Trusting

HOWEVER
• Balance: Healthy Trust also includes knowing who & what is NOT reliable. The characteristics & patterns of Damage are just as predictable & consistent as those of Health, but will only cause problems.

• We can trust that a specific person will continually abuse or disappoint us, based on their consistent pattern of behavior (patent, ‘friend’…)
• We can trust that a specific location will usually be unsuitable or dangerous (bars, some neighborhoods….)
• We can trust that a type of event is the wrong one for us……

Once we know what to look for we can see it all around us, & depend on the outcome to be harmful or just a waste of time – without having to be hit over the head each time!

EXP: If you’re not paying attention when you go into a room & sit down on the first chair that looks comfortable – you may be shocked & maybe injured if it collapses & you land on your butt – because you assumed all chairs are equally well made & sturdy

🍋 Yet that’s what ACoAs often do with people & situations – we don’t pay attention or evaluate who or what we’re getting involved with.  Many times we accept friends lovers, jobs, pets, invitations, apartments …. without asking: “What do I want? Is this something I’m interested in? Does this suit my needs or fit my personality?
AND: “What is this person/place telling we about themself?”

TRUST (T) is valid when:
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
fia-color• we experience a positive outcome from trusting the right person or info (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we heard about / receive the  promised money / enjoy a shared experience ….)
EXP:  Faith – the trust-er believes that their chosen path is pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of worry about the outcome of faith-based decisions will be, whether successful & joyful or unpleasant & tragic.

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 2)

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

mistrustI’LL NEVER GET WHAT I WANT
so I might as well end it

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


PATTERNS (cont)
c. PARANOIA // d. OVER-TRUSTING
e. MIND-READING
We’re always trying to figure out:
• WHY someone did or didn’t do what we wanted (“Why hasn’t he called me back?, Why did thmindreadingey leave?”…). We think that if we can figure it out, we can fix ourself so they won’t leave us, or so they’ll come back

• WHAT they’re thinking in general, & specifically about us, so we know where we stand, what they want from us, how we should behave ……
Our co-dependence makes us assume that if they like us we‘re allowed to live, but if they disapprove or are angry at us we should be dead! & this happens over & over with each person, so we’re emotional yo-yos

f. BACK-DOOR
At the same time we build-in a defense strategy in relationships to manage our FoA by automatically looking for flaws in others, which we can use as an excuse to escape the minute we feel disappointed or hurt. back doorThey’re bound to fail our secret wishes to be taken care of, by — not reading our mind, not rescuing us, not symbiosing with us….
It’s our ‘fear of commitment’, so we never quite have both feet firmly plated in the relationship, BUT then complain that we can’t connect / don’t feel close / aren’t valued….

• An extreme version of this is when we really do want to get out of a relationship but don’t have the right or the courage to do it directly — we create drama (fights, an affair, constantly pressuring them….), pushing the other person away in order to force them into doing the leaving. BUT then we feel abandoned, unloved – & angry!

g. TESTING
On the one hand we have created a set of rules for others to follow (no matter what kind of relationship), often unconsciously AND which we don’t tell the other person about.  Our rules are THAT OTHERS:
• treat us in the the positive ways we say we’d like, but are not allowed to ask for directly or do for ourself
• fulfill our expectation & demand they be the good parents we didn’t have
• are the measuring stick we use to know what to expect – so we won’t be conned & not feel so vulnerable testing

💔 THEN we wait to see how many of our ‘rules’  they provide & which ones they violate. When they inevitably fail, we feel justified in our anger & disenchantment from them – & all of humanity!

h. The THIRD DEGREE
On the other hand, we may try to be safe by asking endless questions, probing to see what’s really going on, to see if the situation is safe, what do they like, want, need…..
NOTE: Information about who people are is legitimate & necessary – but here we’re talking about frantic, incessant interrogation because we can’t trust our perceptions, or other people, & can’t let things unfold slowly

i. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES
a. Verbally attack or threaten physical harm ahead of assumed danger, especially if someone has inadvertently pushed one of our old buttons, like accusing us wrongly or acting needy
EXP: A young woman threatened each new lover with bodily harm on the first date if he ever did or said anything to scare her

b. Since we assume we’ll be abandoned sooner or later, WE:
• can’t wait to tell others about how messed up we arepreempt love
• act obnoxious & immature
• never respond to anything seriously, using ‘clever’ phrases
• stay very impersonal, only talking from the head, only about actions
• insult others, have a hostile attitude most of the time, answer civil or ‘innocent’ questions with ridiculous or angry retorts
EXP: A young woman reacted harshly when a new boyfriend asked if she was going to make him breakfast. She spit out “I wouldn’t be caught dead cooking!”
• One girl was asked by another if she liked her dress. The first answered:  “I wouldn’t wear it, but it’s ok on you”

NEXT: Healthy Trusting (Part 1)

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

protect heartI HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS
– even if it keeps me from being loved!I

PREVIOUS: UNDER-Trusting (Part 3)

 

IMP:
We are not to blame for being deeply mistrustful of everyone.
But we also need to be clear about how we perpetuate the patterns created by our trauma so we can stop beating ourself up, feeling ashamed, & limiting our options. (CDs: INFO & the Brain)
Instead, we can try out new internal beliefs & external actions.

• We have experienced many, many betrayals by the important people in our life – from family, friends, spouse, school, church or government. Some or all of these betrayals are so extreme we may never be able to forgive, regardless of what the ‘gurus’ tell us.
This is not to deny the benefits of forgiveness – just that if we can’t do it (yet) but believe we should, or else we’re bad/sinful, we unfairly add to our self-hate & sense of failure, which retards recovery.

PATTERNS* of Mistrust
* All of these are being generated by our WIC in an attempt to protect ourself from further harm.  But they’re totally unsuccessful, since they prevent us from getting the closeness & love that heals – that we so desperately want AND have a right to. These behaviors are all forms of control – based on trying to stave off more PMES abandonment.

a. FAKE ME
WIC pretendingAs a child we definitely got the message that who & what we were was unacceptable to our parents. So as adults, when interacting with others, the WIC – in dress-up – tries to ‘improve’ our presentation by twisting in unnatural avatars, into something we think some present-day person or group is going to want or find acceptable

• We spend a lot of time trying to figure out “how I should feel, what I should wear, what I’m going to say”…… & never get it quite right, because it’s artificial. Of course, if we’re being run by our WIC who’ still believes the PP, we don’t know our True Self so can’t relate from a place of empowerment. It’s very hard to be safe and healthy at the same time.

b. LABELING
Some of us decide at the beginning of a relationship (potential friend or lover) what kind it’s going to be, without having enough information about the other person to know, or giving it enough time to develop organically.  We may think: “THIS ONE IS :
• just going to be a friendship
• just for sex
• isn’t going to last
• just casual
• permanent  / ‘the one’
• the one I can’t live without
• I’ll love forever”……

Again, we’re trying to control the outcome to be prepared for the inevitable abandonment we expect.  Preconceived notions MAY –
• actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss because we prevented a connection from growing into something positive
• shock us with unexpected results, if we have illusions about it
• severely disappoint all unrealistic expectations
• occasionally surprise us by turning into something better than hoped for
AL-ANON SAYING : “Take the action & let go of the result”

c. PARANOIA
Because we were so often hurt as a child, we conclude that for the rest of our life everyone** will inevitably do us harm, sooner or later.  So we assume the worst of anyone we meet, men and women, although some of us may be more afraid of one gender than another, depending on which parent was more consistently damaging or crueler.paranoid

• We actually scan our environment for the potential danger we’re sure is there & – of course – we find it
• We ALSO ignore all the neutral or positive people & things around us, so we can maintain our ‘story’ that “The whole world is dangerous”, in order to validate our childhood trauma

** This is our reaction even with people who have consistently proven to treat us well, making it hard to benefit from anyone who can be there for us in healthy ways

d. OVER-TRUSTING (recent post)
SEE the Red Flags waving in our face. Everyone tells us about themself, subtly or not, yet we ignore all the unhealthy things we hear & experience about people we ‘need’, staying too long at the party & getting trampled. Then wonder why we can’t trust!

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 2)