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SITE 🔼 🔽 :“Our Brain holds the seat of courage”(2018)

1. PHYSICAL Source
“The bridge between our willingness vs our actual ability to act is Courage”

Neuroscientists recently determined just how courage works in the brain, finding that a region called the ‘subgenual anterior cingulate cortex’ (sgACC) is the driving force behind courageous acts. They concluded that each of us has it in us to exhibit great courage – if we learn how to use this area.

The Snakes in a MRI machine experiment showed that the mechanics of courage in the brain involves a competition between the amygdala (see diagram above) and the sgACC, which functions to suppress bodily fear responses.
When fear reaches a certain intensity, driven by the amygdala, you either click into ‘fight-flight’, or else the sgACC fires up to control & suppress your physical anxiety responses, which sends messages into the amygdala to make it shut down.  ♥ This internal, neural disagreement paves the way for courageous acts.

The results of the Snake experiment showed a person’s fear of them in the MRI’s image in two ways.  Either they simply said “I’m afraid,” or their body said it for them, with raised temperature leading to sweating &/or flushing.
Some participants said they were not afraid but sweated / flushed a lot, while others said they were freaked out but did not sweat/flush at all.

⭐️ The interesting thing is : as long as these two physical expression disagreed (feeling the fear OR sweating), the person would act courageously.
It was only when the scores were high on both – sweat/flushing and fear – that the person became cowardly. 🔆 It’s seems that we have two body brakes. Release either one, & we can drive on !

Reacting to fear or allowing it to control us isn’t automatic. Because our brains make choices in the 6-7 seconds before we’re aware of the feeling, we can act courageously before consciously making the decision to do so.
SO – we can learn how to activate this part of the cortex to suppress or shut down the amygdala’s involuntary response. Then we can consistently function from the values & consciousness of our True Self .
“Use it or Lose it.” Neuroscience verifies that Courage is a cognitive ability that can be strengthened through neuroplasticity OR it will atrophy through self-abandonment !

Body language – courageous people :
• Gesture with purposeful & decisive movements
• Keep calm & composed, even when stressed
• Make direct eye contact with others
• Move with purpose & energy, as a readiness to take action
• Show physical signs of determination, such as a clenched jaw or narrowed eyes
• Speak in a firm and confident tone of voice
• Stand tall with a straight back & squared shoulders
• Take up space & use expansive body language
• Use open & assertive hand gestures

Facial expressions
• Dilated pupils, indicating heightened alertness
• Determined look in the eyes
• Fearless smile, showing teeth
• Firm and confident jawline
• Furrowed brow, indicating intense focus

2. Personal SOURCES
🥹 Life experiences:   Having previously survived hardships & successfully handled difficult situations – courage is strengthened  to deal with new risks.  These experiences can range from small triumphs to life-changing events.

🥹Natural disposition or temperament: Some people are born with a stronger natural determination to face life’s ups & downs with courage. They’re easily drawn to causes they find meaningful & that give them a sense of purpose.

🥹 Personal values:  For many people – courage in the face of fear is a core value, and standing up for what they believe reinforces their convictions. These can be secular or spiritually based.

🥹 Role models : Observing parents, teachers, or community leaders act with integrity early in life provides an action blueprint for courage. They can be real-life people or fictional characters

🥹 Self-confidence.- The belief that “I / we can do it” makes a positive difference when it’s time for courageous action, strengthening the ability to persist in the face of obstacles.

🥹 Social connectedness : being courageous is supported & encouraged by a social support system, they can draw strength from reducing anxiety & stress, making it easier to face adversity.

NEXT : COURAGE— 

PREVIOUS : COURAGE – Intro

8 TYPES of COURAGE (C.)

♣︎ Creative – The drive to discover new ideas, propose untested patterns, & bring original symbols or works into the world in spite of the risk of failure

♣︎  Emotional – The ability to allow yourself to feel a full range of emotions  – pleasant & unpleasant – without numbing out. Have the C. to sit with old pain when it comes up.  Use feelings to guide healthy, values-driven actions.

EXP  – Committing to regularly attend therapy and 12 Step programs — for mental health, addictions, domestic violence, childhood trauma …

♣︎ Endurance : Facing prolonged suffering, pain, or life’s unknowns with dignity, faith, & a sense of enduring purpose.

EXP : A patient managing a chronic or terminal illness with grace while maintaining hope for their family

♣︎  Intellectual – Willing to engage with challenging ideas, admit when you’re wrong, & learn or unlearn things to help your personal development, with an open, flexible mind.

EXP : A researcher publicly acknowledging that new evidence contradicts a long-held theory they’ve published

♣︎  Moral : Standing up for your beliefs in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or personal loss. Doing the right thing based on your ethics & values, espevially when faced with disapproval from others.

EXP : Whistle-blowing on a company’s illegal dumping activities in spite of the real possibility of being fired

♣︎  Physical :  Able to act bravely in the face of bodily injury, pain, threat of death, or extreme physical hardship.  This is the most well-known form, involving bravery to respond in spite of the risk of bodily harm or death.
EXP :  A firefighter running into a burning building to save a trapped person  

♣︎  Social : Being your True Self & standing up for what you believe. To form genuine, vulnerable relationships in spite of potential rejection, social embarrassment or exclusion

EXP : Defending a peer at school or work who is being bullied, even if it makes you unpopular

♣︎  Spiritual : God’s def. of Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to follow God’s positive plan for our life, relying on His strength & guidance through life’s challenges & uncertainties.
Developing Biblical courage
In the Bible, courage is rarely about human bravado or the absence of fear.  Scriptural themes emphasize that God is our Strength & Protector. It encourages believers to stand firm through His power rather than their own, which they can do because of the unshakable confidence that God is present.

📕 Courage as an Antidote to Fear : “For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power & of self-control” 2 Timothy 1:7

📕 Courage through God’s Presence: “Be strong & courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

📕  Courage in Times of Trouble : Jesus modeled courage for his disciples when experiencing trials, saying “Take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33
And David, pursued by King Saul, wrote “The Lord is my light & my salvation – whom shall I fear? ” Psalm 27:1

RESEARCH : Courage is one of the most significant psychological constructs for society but rarely studied.  It is made up of the deliberate evaluation of a trigger involving = 1. an actor, 2. a situation & 3. an analyzed decision on how to proceed.
The main issue of this process is an approach-avoidance conflict, the ‘actor’ having to choose between their realistic evaluation of the risk vs. the potential noble outcome of acting with courage.

Before taking an action is a stressful situation, the person must make 4 key assessments, about the:
(a) Immediacy of the situation  (the trigger : how urgent is it?)
(b) Meaning, value, & relevance to the actor
(c) Having enough power to act, and
(d) Willingness to be courageous – assuming it satisfies:
✒︎ intentionality (is the choice to act aligned with the actor’s core values?, not just going on autopilot)
✒︎ the risk is both objective (measurable) & substantial (likelihood that harm will occur, so ignoring the situations would have severe consequences)
✒︎ a noble purpose (see INTRO)
✒︎ meaning in time & place = the specific moment it’s happening (when) & location (where). OR the memory of a similar event. (MORE….)

NEXT : Courage ——

PREVIOUS:

SITE 🔼 : “Complete Master List of Virtues from the Ancient Traditions“

COURAGE (C.)  is the foundation of all virtues. It allows us to move forward despite fear, pain & uncertainly – to live authentically. It’s not just about physical bravery, it incorporates moral, emotional, & social strengths, so we can align daily actions with our deepest beliefs & convictions. The value of courage is in its ability to unlock human potential & drive personal growth.

Courage & Honor have been inextricably linked throughout human history, forming a cornerstone of ethical thought & societal virtue.  From the epic tales of ancient heroes to the quiet moral stands of everyday individuals, they are virtues that define human excellence. Not merely desirable traits but fundamental aspects of a life well-lived, deeply intertwined in meaning & outward expression.

Aristotle said that C. is “the first of human virtues because it makes all others possible.” He placed it as a mean between two extremes: cowardice (a vice of deficiency) and rashness (a vice of excess). The courageous person fears what is genuinely fearful but confronts it for the sake of what is noble**.🔽 This distinction is crucial. True courage is rational & purposeful, aimed toward a good end.
Maya Angelou called it “the most important of all the virtues,” because without it you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. She taught that while you might act kindly, generously, or fairly by accident, it takes deliberate bravery to maintain these values when facing hardship.

C.S. Lewis described C. as “the form of every virtue at the testing point”. It is the glue that holds all other moral behaviors together when they’re challenged. The word stems from the Latin cor = “heart” & Old French couráge = “strength of heart.”

** NOBLE : re courage it means actings for a worthy, honorable purpose rather than ego or fear.  True C. is driven by noble principles – like protecting the Vulnerable or holding onto your Values when it’s uncomfortable – not when reckless or for personal gain.
Noble qualities that are part of C. include :
♝ Bravery – heroic determination & strength in the face of challenges
♝ Endurance – quiet, ongoing perseverance
♝ Vulnerability – acknowledge fear while still moving forward
♝ Moral Excellence – standing up for what is right, fair, or ethical
♝ Selflessness – making sacrifices or choices for the greater good
♝ Moral Agency – weighing risks & then making choices based on meaning & “right-ness”

DEF : Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the triumph over it. It’s making the judgment that something else is more important than fear, & so will do what needs to be done. It’s the willingness to confront & deal with ——> emotional pain &/or physical danger, uncertainly or intimidation.
And cowardice is making that same judgment but deciding to not taking action when the person could have.

🔆 being Vulnerable, the precursor to C. – embracing uncertainty, risk, & emotional exposure
🔆 Courage over comfort. Being authentic & accountable often means sacrificing short-term ease. And Integrity means choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy, and practicing your values rather than just mouthing them.

PREVIOUS :  Over Generalization – a CD (#1)

POSTS:  Review “Cognitive Distortions“

Some unhealthy REASONs for using O-G:
a. Mental laziness – it’s easier not to bother questioning one’s assumptions
b. Emotional resistance – not having to look at oneself to see why something went wrong (instead of using the info to learn from, but not for blame)

c. The fear-based ‘need’ to predict people’s behavior – assuming that if we  put them into neat simplistic boxes, we’ll know how they will act, every time (our desire for control)
EXP: Dysfunctional cruel parents using this CD will accuse their small child of being evil, willful, difficult – just because it disobeyed the parent once or made a mess, assuming the child is & will always be disobedient & difficult.  From then on he/she is treated as the bad seed, no matter how well she /he behaves from then on.

d. To persuade, sell, manipulate – especially if backed by real or made-up ‘evidence’
• In cults – re. not being allowed to leave the group – cult members are warned that bad things will happen to anyone who turns their back on the community.
So when a member does manage to leave – & makes a normal, human ‘mistakes’ in their new life (get angry, forgets something, is late…) – they’re terrified that the cult’s prediction of dire consequences will indeed come true

Negative EFFECTS of O-G
We’ll miss out on…
• … the complexity, variety & subtlety of the life around us
• … the benefits of all the facets of a specific person or situation we’re ignoring or dismissing
•….. the benefits of a positive product or service from having a bad experience with one company or doctor, even if a better version would be available
• ….. developing self-esteem & confidence, if painful experiences at school or work lead to a rigid assumption that one is permanently incompetent or worthless
we’ll miss out on…
• …  a wide variety of relationships by :
— assuming rejection or judgment from everyone
— finding it easy to judge, from of a false sense of righteous indignation
— shameless slandering someone about how bad they are, feeling the condemnation is justified, which makes it hard to have compassion or forgiveness.

CORRECTIONS
★ Avoid using absolute terms — such as “always”, “never”, “everyone” or “no one” . Instead, use more moderate language such as “sometimes”, “often” or “most”.

★ Assess Cost-Benefit
Do the costs outweigh the benefits? If they do, consider developing more effective ways of reacting to the situation by working through the next few steps : Collect your own evidence by identifying the facts.  Ask if your emotions are clouding your thinking . Consider what conclusion you’d some to if it was someone else in the same situation.

★ Be aware of your thoughts & assumptions
Try to notice when you’re making sweeping statements or about a group of people or situation.  To have a more balanced & informed view of the situation or topic, ask yourself if your conclusions are based on facts or on limited experiences.

Look for a wide range of relevant evidence before drawing a conclusion. Do research, collect detailed data & realistic opinions of trusted others. to support your assumptions.

★ Be open to change
Be willing to adjust your opinions or beliefs when new information or evidence becomes available. This can help you to avoid rigid thinking and further reduce the likelihood of overgeneralization.

★ Try Behavioral Experiments
This involve testing the validity of over-generalized beliefs through real-life experiences. EXP: if you believe you’re socially inept, challenge this belief by gradually participating in social situations (with support) & observing the outcomes.

★ Use SOCRATIC Questioning
the a technique used in cognitive-behavioral therapy to challenge distorted thoughts. You can ask yourself : “Are there any examples that contradict this belief?
“Am I considering all possible outcomes, or only focusing on the worst-case scenario?

♥︎ Get professional help when possible. Acknowledging this thinking error is a start. By challenging sweeping conclusions & then reframing our thoughts, we empower ourself to break free from the shackles of self-doubt & pessimism.

NEXT : ________ CD

PREVIOUS: CatastrophiZing – a CD, #2

POSTS: Cognitive Distortions – OVERVIEW
⚡️ Cognitive Distortions – Intro #2, — NOTE to ACoAs

OVER-GENERALIZATION (O-G) – a basic CD
Positive version : when a person makes broad, optimistic assumptions based on a limited set of positive experiences. This can lead to the belief that certain favorable outcomes will always occur or apply universally.
While this form may encourage confidence & motivation, it’s more likely to cause unrealistic expectations & therefore disappointment when future experiences don’t turn out well.  So it’s not just the outcomes that matter but also the expectations.

Negative O-G is consistently associated with depression & anxiety. Further research found that even those with tendencies toward positive O-G are also prone to depression.

This version is that we decide after only a single event or a series of coincidences that every situation of this specific category (PPT) will inevitably turn out – in future – the same way, as in the parable of the blind man & the elephant.

More damaging is when we use one very unpleasant situation to assume there will be an endless repetition of the same frustrating, disappointing, hopeless, dangerous…..events.
A hint to this distortion is when we use such words as ‘always’ or ‘never’ to describe our life experiences. This shows a lack of psychological adaptability & mental flexibility.
Related Fallacies: Arbitrary influence & Selective Abstraction

Stereotyping
One bad = All bad
🔻 O-G is when we use one or two negative experiences of a particular kind (getting fired, getting dumped as a teen) as a reason to conclude that all future situations – in that category – will inevitably turn out just as badly

a. So, a painful or traumatic event gets grafted on to an entire category of events or group of people. We over-simplify reality, ignoring important details that are available (like in this Gestalt image ⬆️ = ape, lion)

b.  We then make up this rule on the basis of one specific type of experience & apply it across the broad to other situations, even if they’re not actually the same. “It doesn’t matter what my choices are, they will all fall flat” // “A dog bit me when I was a kid, so all dogs are dangerous”

c.  At the extreme, we can O-G anything, from saying that “all poetry is dull, going to college is a waste of time & money, all Democrats are war-mongers” – to – “I don’t have any useful abilities or good personality traits, I’ll never find love again, Everyone hates me…..”

All bad = a single bad
🔻 A reverse over-generalization is the assumption that all the items in a group must share the same characteristics as the one thing or person we know, and dislike So,
— “All librarians are shy & boring” – because I once dated one like that
–“Every product made by X company is made poorly” – because the one item I bought from them broke
— “All men are selfish pigs”- because I was married to one.
😵‍💫 When we assume that our unexamined thinking is reliable, we fall for stereotypes, assuming they’re valid. The less we actually know about a certain group or situation, the stronger & firmer is the distortion.

HOW O-G happens
• CDs are a form of ‘Automatic Thinking’, based on memories of past experiences, which we categorize into groups (generalizations) for ease of recall.  But if we stop there & accept our superficial ideas without checking for more info, our understanding of what we observe & experience in the present may very well be wrong

• Generalization, as a stage we go through in learning anything new, is not only acceptable, but necessary. The baby just learning to talk may call all men “Da-Da” or all animals “bow-wow”, but will eventually come to know the differences. We get into trouble when we stop at the generalization stage. All men are not Dad. All animals are not dogs & all dogs are not the same.

• Getting stuck at this stage can come from a variety of sources: from being traumatized in the early years of our cognitive development, copying the way our parents / teachers thought, from limited experience or education, being over-exposed to stereotypes in books, TV, computer games…
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NEXT : Over-Generalization  (#2)

PREVIOUS : Catastrophizing – a CD (#1)

SITE: “What doctors want patients to know about stopping catastrophic thoughts’ 

☁︎ Catastrophizing (cont.)

Some CAUSES
♦︎ Being predisposed to anxiety & depression
—— BIS-BAS dysregulation : the behavioral inhibition & approach systems used to regulate impulses & anxiety may not be functioning correctly, which suggests why some people catastrophize

♦︎ Differences in brain chemistry or changes in processes
EXP : Interoceptive sensitivity – automatically noticing small changes in the body (digestion , heart rate….), which can lead to catastrophize them

♦︎ Learned as a coping mechanism from family &/or others
♦︎ Single trauma that severely affects their sense of safety
♦︎ Long-term traumatic experiences . EXP : A pre-disposed person whose parent died from cancer may be more likely to assume that any medical ailment is also cancer & always leads to death.

To STOP catastrophizing
🌱 challenge your thoughts & fears
🌱  create problem-solving strategies for what-if scenarios
🌱 focus on solutions to the problems you’re faced with

🌱 journal regularly to recognize distorted thought patterns . Revisit the entries later, possibly with someone you trust
🌱practice mindfulness to stay in the present
🌱 schedule a ‘worry session’ for a few minutes to notice & admit your fears – with compassion
🌱 talk with a safe friend or family member about worries
🌱 work on accepting uncertainty – you can not control everything 

☆ Acknowledge that unpleasant things happen – Life is full of good & bad days. One bad day does not mean all days will be bad forever. Make space & time to be gentle with yourself, especially when stressed. Break overwhelming chores into achievable tasks — & build in extra breathing time.

☆ Find positive affirmations : You have to believe you  can overcome this habit of assuming the worst. Pick a phrase that suits you. Rinse & Repeat daily. (“I’m ok if the whole thing is 90% ok”)

☆ Ground yourself –  Catastrophizing is all about the future, so the goal is to bring yourself back to the present. Notice when you start spiraling, & stop by deep inhales through the nose & exhales through the mouth. Or go outside & feel the ground with bare feet or hug a tree, pet your fur-baby or do simple stretches and focus on the sensations they each  provide….

☆ Know when to stop the repetitive, catastrophic thoughts. Say aloud or in your head, “Stop! /  I don’t agree! / Enough!” which can dry up the stream of fear, halting the spiraling

☆ Play out the worst-case scenario, & ask yourself what will really happen if that’s were the case.  What else can you do?Most of the time, reality is not either 0% or 100% 

 ⭐︎ Practice excellent self-care. Catastrophizing is likely to take over when very tired or stressed. Getting enough rest & using stress-relieving techniques can help you balance

⭐︎ Recognize irrational thoughts.  Catastrophizing usually follows a definite pattern. You may start with “I’m in pain today.” That gets expanded with anxiety : “The pain is only going to get worse,” or “This pain means I’ll never get better.”
Staying awake to recognize such thoughts can give you the mental room to start making little changes – which will add up over time

⭐︎ Talk to the catastrophizing brain.  Tell it “Thank you for sharing, but no thank you.  I know you’re trying to be helpful, but these scary thoughts are not what I needed right now.”
Think about why you’re having negative thoughts. Getting to the bottom line can let you figure out ways to defuse them.

⭐︎ Think of another outcome.  Remember that thoughts are not facts. Instead of assuming a negative end, picture as many positive or  less negative options as you can. Get someone kind-&-smart to suggest alternatives if you need to

⭐︎ Try the “chances are”method….. & then fill in the blank. EXP: Instead of  “I’m sure I’m going to be late & everyone will judge me” —–> say “Chances are they’re going to be too busy to even notice” OR “Chances are I’ll make it”

THERAPY options
√ Acceptance & commitment therapy ( ACT )
√ Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
√ Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)
√ Exposure response prevention therapy (ERP )
√ Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR)
√ Psychodynamic therapy 

NEXT : OverReacting – a CD, #1

PREVIOUS : —— CD

SITE :  “Stop Catastrophizing: How to Retrain Your Brain to Stress and Worry Less” 

☁︎  Catastrophizing (Awful-izing, Selective Abstraction – making a mountain out of a molehill) can be broken down into :
☼ Magnification : over-emphasizing the importance of an specific event (real or imagined),  ignoring all the positive points, making negative assumptions about the future
☼ Rumination, obsessing, as excessive overthinking & racing thoughts  — leading to —
☼ Helplessness –  with negative self-talk which contributes to feeling incapable & out of control.

A 2017 study showed that catastrophic thinking is linked to a deeply held core belief (Toxic Rule “the world is dangerous”), It gives some insight into the person’s most basic fears & insecurities, like ACAs’ intense FoA (being abandoned), of making mistakes (perfectionism)….

This CD is used as a mechanism to regulate ‘negative’ emotional responses  (terror) – the mind’s way of protecting you. When something hurts, the brain tries to create a sense of control. It’s picturing the worst possible outcome in a situation, as an unsuccessful way of bracing for potential threats.

But it’s an illusion – the assumption is that if you can write the story of what’s going to happen, you may feel better able to cope, & so a little safer, even if the scenario you imagined will never happen.

INSTEAD – Using this CD  distorts your sense of reality, causing complex physical & mental symptoms associated with the fight-flight response.  It can lead to avoiding positive experiences in life all the way to agoraphobia, dropping you down a rabbit hole of fear & anxiety.
It’s linked to depression, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive & panic disorders, & even increase your perception of pain.  But the more you do, the harder it is to pull out of it, & the worse the symptoms feel. However, one can also use catastrophic thinking without having a diagnosable disorder.

re. PAIN : Chronic pain involves a complex mix of physical & psychological factors. It is real, but the brain & body both play a role. Studies show that chronic pain sufferers report a lower quality of life if they catastrophize their pain – as intolerable & uncontrollable.
This thinking becomes a second burden or injury that follows the initial one, such as a flare-up of pain. EXP : “I’ll always feel this way,” or “I’ll never be able to ___”. (For degree of intensity see Pain Catastrophizing Scale,)

A 2010  study looking at – people in chronic pain who catastrophized – had changes in their pituitary & hypothalamus responses. And the brain area that – registers emotions associated with pain – had an increased activity.

This CD is a problem of perspective – blowing small things out of proportion. The person only focuses on a minor unpleasant or disliked part of a situation, interaction, or performance, so that other parts of the whole picture are ignored or minimized. The exaggeration pours fear into something that isn’t actually scary .
EXP: The plumber totally fixed the severe bathroom leak, but left a mess. SO, the homeowner fearful of dirt & chaos decides they’ll never hired this one again because he can’t be trusted to do the ‘whole job well’.

☀︎ GENERAL  : Catastrophizing includes factors that are rooted in biology & psychology, as well as some social elements. It can ruin whole situations, jobs or relationships by picking out a detail we don’t like or scares us (the WIC), then magnifying it. It’s over-reacting to minor violations, everyday circumstances & personal characteristics (in us or others) which we consider unacceptable, making them more intense & more threatening than is realistic & objective.

☀︎ PERSONAL : A lack of skill, knowledge or capacity is judged to be fatal to your overall success in life. Belief:  ‘The past was bad, the present is bad, & the future is hopeless!” Seeing a small problem as so big it’s overwhelming – too big to handle or resolve – makes you want to give up trying. ‼️ even though it may actually be fixable.

☀︎ CHILDREN :  Catastrophizing can burden some children & teens, not just adults. EXP : a school-age child may worry about the worst-imaginable consequences of a failure, such as getting a poor grade on a test or not making a sports team.

NEXT : Catastrophizing  (#2)

PREVIOUS : B & W Thinking – a CD

SITE : “How Attachment Styles drive Mind Reading —Stop guessing, start asking” 

Review 5 POSTs : “Mind Reading” vs. “Intuition”

Another common ACoA distortion
NOTE :  Posts listed above  are very extensive. The current one focuses on the silence in our wounded inner world – the lack of words for our thought, lack of permission to question, lack of safety for connection…..

DEF : Although it tends to be unconscious / automatic, Mind Reading is actually an arrogant, presumptuous thinking pattern. You assume you know what someone is thinking or feeling without factual information from that person & is usually negative, causing social anxiety & relationship conflicts. EXP : “I just know they’re judging me.”

Indirect POS :  Mind reading is not the same as healthy social cognition or empathy. Reading social cues is a normal, even necessary, human skill. You notice a friend seems quiet & check in with them. You sense tension in a meeting & adjust your approach. You see the person across from you is really upset & you hand them a tissue.  Your read is accurate.
That’s adaptive & helpful. The goal is to figure out which interpretations of situations are grounded in reality & which are manufactured by anxiety.

Indirect NEG : Mind reading is a problem when we skip past actual observation & land directly on our own negative assumption. Our brain treats the assumption as settled fact.  When a person is already primed to expect rejection or criticism, it becomes hyper-vigilant, scanning for threats, finding them even when they don’t exist. This riggers real emotional & physical distress.

Mind reading thrives on ambiguity, so ordinary moments become “evidence”. Neutral events are unconsciously loaded with meaning based on someone’s body language. You imagine that someone is upset with you because of  a delayed text response, a lack of eye contact or perceived tone of voice,  a raised eyebrow, or a moment of silence.
The problem is the gap between what actually happened & what you decide it means.
EXP : Your partner paused (to think) before answering your question.
🤫 💭  That’s what actually happened.
🤨 😡 But you decide that it means “They’re hiding something from me” even though they’re usually transparent.  You feel it in the pit of your stomach, the way you did a a kid.

NOT ASKING
ACoAs – all CDs are called “Stinkn’ Thinkin‘” in the AA 12-Step program. NOW : Based on childhood neglect & abuse, Mind-Reading is the WIC’s effort to figure out what other people want from us – how we should behaved to never get abandoned.
It’s a way to ingratiate ourself by ‘taking care’ of others, a way of being useful, of healing other people’s wounds, of compensating for being unloved & unlovable (Self- Hate)….

SOURCE : As children, no one asked us how we felt, what was going on, what we needed or wanted. We were wither yelled at or ignored, given the silent treatment or lectured. But never an actual dialogue.

And we were  not allowed to ask others about themself, what they felt, our family history ….   Many of us grew up with a constant reminder that “Children should be seen & not heard”. When we tried to understand, we were ignored or made fun or punished for our curiosity & confusion.

SO we learned to not ask – it wasn’t safe. Many times what we were told or overheard were lies, confusing or contradictory information, & distorted or double messages. The only option left for many of us was trying to read minds – guessing at what we were supposed to know.

NOTE: These painful experiences are one reason ACoAs hate silences when we’re with someone.  We’re convinced it always means the other person is angry at us or they’re just being dismissive. It feels lonely & disconnected – never peaceful & companionable.

CORRECTION
When we put our private, hidden interpretations on somebody else’s words or behaviors, we block understanding them, especially limiting our ability to get to know someone we want to spend time with. We’re also sending ourselves on an unnecessary emotional rollercoaster.
The main focus is to give yourself permission to ask respectful, thoughtful questions.   “What did you mean by that? Why did you say it that way?” 
🔐  TYPES of Qs : Essential, & 27 Subsidiary categories you can use,
and 8 Types of ANS – so you know what you’re hearing from others.

NEXT : Catastrophizing – #1

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POST :  Cognitive Distortions – Intro #2  — NOTE to ACoAs

DEF : Black & White thinking is an Either-Or way of looking at everything, & one of the most common ACoA Cognitive Distortions (CDs) .
It’s thinking in absolutes, the mind simplifying experiences into two opposing categories – something is either good or bad, success or failure, right or wrong, lovable or unlovable… The human brain prefers clarity & certainty, especially when stressed, to reduce ambiguity, by simplifying overwhelming situations to feel in control.

But while B & W can feel intense & seem convincing , it more often leads to harsh emotional reactions & distorted conclusions, creating unnecessary stress, Without middle ground options, you’re forced to struggle to function at the extremes – damaging self-esteem, & straining relationships. It keeps you from seeing life the way it really is : complex, uncertain, & constantly changing.

🥺 The Damaged Child’s (WIC) desperate desire is to make life safer by pinning things down, wanting to know the ‘rules’, trying to never make a mistake…. ACoAs hate uncertainty, convinced that ‘maybe-s’ & nuances are not valid or useful, are dangerous & scary…. that someone talking about alternatives & other options is just messing with you, making it feel like the ground under you is wobbly.

CAUSES / CONTRIBUTIONS
☁︎ Anxiety – craving certainty & Depression, narrowing perspectives
Also, sustained painful emotions or mental illness can worsen B & W thinking as with (OCD ) Obsessive-compulsive & (BPD) Borderline personality disorders.

☁︎ Fear of Abandonment (FoA) – causing the need for constant reassurance
☁︎ Perfectionism, where small missteps feel like catastrophes. & only flawless outcomes are acceptable

☁︎ Narcissism.  Narcs need to always have the upper hand, to have the power in every situation. Rigid B & W thinking is a protective shield against being unsure which they consider a weakness.
☁︎ Trauma, where extremes seemed to identify & predict safety or danger for survival.

Negative EFFECTS
Career. Too rigid thinking can be a problem in work environments where there’s a lot of collaboration & sharing of different ideas

Diet. B & W greatly restricts what you thinks is ok to eat & makes it hard to try new things which are beneficial.  It also makes you judge your looks & body as only good or bad, & may contribute to anorexia.

Learning. Many school courses have a simple performance measure : pass or fail, leading many students to believe they’re inherently good or bad at learning.

Relationships. Using extreme thinking as a reaction to normal adult conflicts leads to drawing the wrong conclusions about someone, & misses opportunities to talk things out or compromise.

GROWTH
‼️ LAYERS – Think visually :
Neg: B & W ways of ‘understanding’ something is always looking at Left or Right extremes, not even on a continuum. It’s all blank in between!

Pos:  HEALTHY – Instead – Always think in layers. EXP : When feeling very upset, you know right away it’s your WIC that’s reacting to something in the present. ♥︎ Base layer : Something painful was triggers that happened often in the past.
♠︎ Defense Layer : What is the child thinking / saying ? It’s usually some form of Self-Hate, plus mental confusion ….
💕 Upper Layer : BUT your adult rational self can be much more realistic, & if you’re developing a Loving Parent,  the UNIT can help you mourn the past but stay in the present. That will soften the pain.

BTW : ….. “The poet John Keats coined the term “negative capability” to describe “when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts – without any irritable reaching after fact & reason.” Negative capability isn’t comfortable. It’s a liminal place, a zone of questions & ongoing work rather than a clean arrival at ‘knowing’. But a capability to sit with uncertainty doesn’t mean being paralyzed. Indeed, Keats saw it as the hallmark of “a Man of Achievement….. “ From “Unfinished Business” by Melissa Kirsch (NY Times)

🪴 Acceptance. One constant in life is change. Work at accepting that you can’t know every outcome.  It’s OK to say “I don’t know” or ask for more time to think about something (“I’ll get back to you”).
Al-Anon sayings : “Take the action & let go of the result” /// “I know what I know but I can’t know everything.”

🪴 Think BOTH-AND
EXP : “I made a mistake and I’m still learning” /// “It’s hard work and it’s worth the effort”.  Both can be true at the same time.
✒︎ Replace Absolutes : from Always to Sometimes, Never to Often, Impossible to Difficult…

🪴 Self-Compassion and Healthy BOUNDARIES – loosens rigid B & W.
POSTS : I KNOW WHO I AM      ///  PMES for SELF-CARE

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PREVIOUS : GROWTH for OverDoing (#4c)
 
SITE : SITE :  11 Tips for Getting & Staying Motivated

5 = Prioritize
6 = Goals

7. MENTAL warrior : Give Yourself Time to Think

🤳🏽 Set Your Intention : Before planning your thinking session, take a moment to jot down your dreams & aspirations for the year or your career. Reflect on achievements that would make you proud. Define specific & realistic goals, visualizing the satisfaction of accomplishing them during your retreat. Lower the stakes, viewing your creative ‘retreat’ (time out) as the beginning of a larger, fulfilling project or a new way of life.

🧠 Capture Ideas Systematically : Transform your creative thoughts into actionable insights by taking meticulous notes. Whether using pen & paper for a disconnected experience or a digital system, document your ideas with the seriousness they deserve. Invest energy in put ideas in categories, scheduling time for synthesizing & reflecting on your generated ideas.

🏝️ Change Your Environment :  From time to time put yourself in a new & different setting. Eliminating external demands & judgments encourages original ideas by being able to draw on your natural curiosity & unique experiences. Whether working from home, a co-working space, or a nature retreat, changing your physical location improves lateral thinking, helping to make more confident & playful idea-associations.

😌 Strategic Breaks: Embrace your full self, including the body, in the creative process. During your thinking retreat, take reflective walks while focusing on a specific topic, letting your mind wander while in motion. Have fun with physical activities that might feel awkward in the office. Boost creativity with activities like brisk jogging or swimming, harnessing the benefits of increased endorphins & cognitive skills. It’s during these times of rest & quiet that creativity blossoms, resulting in better productivity.

⛔️ Truly Disconnect : Break free from digital addiction by actively unplugging during your thinking ‘retreat’. Turn off devices, use apps to limit distracting access, maybe even lock your phone away. Replace the digital fix with hands-on activities like doodling, puzzles or outdoor creations (gardening…. )  Disconnecting lets your unconscious mind work, paving the way for authentic & artistic ideas. Consider joining with a friend for support, who is able to be encouraging without being a distraction.

8. WORK / OFFICE  / HOME
Establishing a realistic work schedule starts with defining your working hours – based on your most productive time of day along with the demands of the job. Be realistic about what you can achieve within these hours & set boundaries to protect your personal time. It’s important to be strict about starting & ending your workday at the same time.

When possible, consider implementing flexible scheduling or flex time to better accommodate your personal needs & improve your overall work-life balance.  Limit internet & emails after work. And be willing to unplug completely after work hours – turn off text notifications & resist the urge to check in.

Use Vacation Days – Aside from taking breaks during work hours, make full use of your allotted time off. Plan vacation time in advance, clearly communicating this with your manager. Vacations are meant to help you relax & rejuvenate, preventing burnout.

re. Family or Work Groups  – Instead of constantly checking up on others out of worry, set regular check-in times, like team stand-ups or a weekly date night with your partner. Creating these scheduled “containers” can reduce the urge to constantly monitor how others are doing.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help  & be specific about where & when it’s needed. Whether at work or in your personal life, getting support & delegating tasks can relieve some of the pressure daily life.
Surround yourself with a network of people who understand & respect your boundaries. Practice open communication with family, friends & colleagues.
ALSO = Ask them directly where your support has been helpful to them, & where they would prefer to manage independently.

Time for Family & Friends – Plan important family events & social activities, making them just as important as work meetings or deadlines.  They provide necessary breaks from business stress, recharging emotional & mental energy that improves thinking & functioning when returning to work.

Cultivate Hobbies – Having a good work-life balance isn’t just about having more time for your family & friends. It means creating time for yourself as well. Devote space each week for something you love to do.
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