PREVIOUS : Signs of Ongoing Abuse #3

SITE: “My Grandma the Poisoner.

Can NARCISSISTIC ABUSE KILL You? 
Yes, definitely, both directly & indirectly. A psychopathic & sadistic homicidal Narcissist may also be homicidal, adding to their play bill. And some Ns suffer from Munchausen-by-proxy syndrome (MBP) .
A MBP mother will fabricate symptoms, making her child sick to get ‘supply’. She enjoys repeatedly being in medical environments where she gets sympathy & praise for being devoted to her sick child (proxy = in place of being sick themself).

Often these women are well-read experts on their child’s fake ailments, &   allows them to know exactly what to use to do damage. So they also get a fix from conning smart doctors. For others, the distress they create can be a cash cow for the parent, but turn deadly for the child. EXP: The go-fund-drive online where parents ask for donations for their “sick” child.

a. Accident? Doctors familiar with this disorder say this type of child abuse has the highest mortality rate, but consider most deaths as accidental, since the usual goal of the parent is to get strokes for being caring, not killing.
EXP: One published case of a mother who put too much salt in her sons feeding tube, killing him. She said her intention was just to make him sick.

However, believing such deaths are ‘accidental’ overlooks the reality of the tremendous benefit of N-supply in the form of gifts & emotional support… this mother receives from her community, when her child dies. 

b. Murder. Narcissists love a funeral. Calling such behavior ‘accidental’ also ignores the N’s ability to carry out premeditated killing. EXP: Some use bed-ridden elders as proxies, starving them to death.

c. Suicide. Ns have also been known to murder indirectly, by setting someone up to kill themself. This brings N-supply in the form of absolute power & control over another person, manipulating their victim to give up the most precious thing they have – their life. 

d. Revenge. This set-up can also be the N’s retaliation for some injury to their ego. The victim’s suicide creates guilt & blame in the N’s primary target, such as a grieving father or husband. Then the Narc will use that person’s self-hate to control them.

☠️ When given a chance to escape any type of Narc, don’t walk – RUN.

FROM: L.C.Torres, former Court-Appointed Special Advocate at Child Abuse Prevention Council, San Joaquin County (2014-2015).  Updated April 29, 2020 · Upvoted by Gia Jones, Lived with & loved a malignant narcissist.
🙀       🙀       🙀
Munchausen syndrome by proxy (MSP) is a psychological disorder whereby a pathological narc gets their supply of attention & ‘special status’ by using children, vulnerable adults, even pets – as proxies. Such people set themselves up as someone’s caretaker, then persistently harm the dependent, to either keep making them sick, or actually kill them.

MSP is a relatively rare psychological disorder. It usually affects a primary caretaker – the mother. But they can also be health-care professionals (nurse, attendant, & rarely a doctor) who cause severe illness in patients not terminal, & then swoop in to rescue, as the hero / angel.

The MSP mother appears to be very loving, sensitive & extremely distraught over their child’s illness, but denies knowing what caused it.
She’s admired for being an exceptionally attentive parent, while exaggerating or making up symptoms, altering tests, falsifying medical records….
OR doing direct damage by such actions as poisoning, suffocating, starving & causing infections.

In her ‘care’, the child keeps on worsening by being subjected to physical abuse &/or medical neglect, usually reported by the parent but not witnessed by hospital staff.
Abuse HINT : The child’s condition improves in the hospital, but symptoms return when returned home.   (More…). Also (Wikipedia ….includes statistics)

😹 A related illness is Munchausen syndrome, where a person continually acts as if they themselves have a physical or mental illness, which they do not – to make people feel sorry for them.
EXP: The case of the young woman falsely claiming she had cancer, even to the point of shaving off all her hair, then begging for & receiving donations to pay for chemo treatments.

NEXT: 60 Common Qs from Survivors

PREVIOUS :
SIGNS of Ongoing N Abuse – #2 

SITE : “Can a Narcissist Love?“

LOVE vs. NARCISSISTIC Love – The “EMPATHY” Connection (Joyce M Short)

Empathic people are capable of unconditional love & forgiveness. Their dear one can have a bad day, be seriously ill, put on some pounds or lose their hair. Unconditional love is part of your core, & compels you toward the beloved (parent, mate, child….), regardless of how that person looks or behaves. Your sense of attachment to them is deeply rooted.

People with empathy have emotional reactions to the pain of others & a conscience that keeps them from committing harm.
If they encounter another person who has a specific vulnerability, been harmed by a prior relationship, lost a loved one, or overcame other hardships – their sensitive heart goes out to them. BUT if the empath is   psychologically healthy, they don’t lose themselves in the effort to connect & help. ➡️

NPDs are NOT able to love THIS way 
Unfortunately empathetic people are also drawn to others who seem ‘sensitive’ – such as Ns using ‘neediness’ to hook supply.
Narcissist “love” is emotionally & spiritually shallow because it’s selfishly motivated. It can confuse the unwary, since they pour on affection at the beginning of a new relationship.

To the recipient, it seems that their caring is boundless & deep. But this type of attachment is similar to how the N loves their money, house, car…. In fact, their money & car could be more valuable to them than you will ever be, which are visible signs of power & control.

Ns do stay in long-term relationships (with victims) BUT can’t bond with ‘full-bodied’ love.
Do not mistake N “sensitivity” – which is only about their own personal needs – with being “empathetic” toward others. In fact, being “over-sensitive” could indicate Borderline Personality Disorder.
=  =  =  =

😹 SIGNs of VERBAL abuse are often FELT, but not seen by others
Abusers are very conscious of what they’re doing to you. If it weren’t deliberate, they’d feel bad & correct inappropriate & cruel words & actions. Especially after you point them out.
Healthy people don’t want to hurt others. Hurting others is how abusers survive.

❤︎ WOMAN in long-term relationship with verbally abusive man
YOU:
‣ feel uneasy or anxious much of the time, jumping at every tiny sound, or your heart pounds for no obvious reason

‣ think you must be crazy & need professional help to overcome your ‘issues’.
Your internal voices are often overpowering – critical, very mean, repeating abusive things he’s said so many times

‣ don’t trust your ability to make sound decisions for yourself or the family. So you go along with your abuser’s poor decisions without much resistance
YOU:
‣ don’t get excited about much of anything. And if you did look forward to an upcoming positive event, the pleasure wouldn’t last long, from wondering how you’re going to tell your abuser about it – to get the best possible reaction from him

‣ are paraded around like an “Oscar” trophy when attending group functions for the N’s work or activities. You’re afraid to say much while there, for fear of payback abuse later, for saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing

‣ keep telling yourself it’ll be better when he retires, the children are grown, he gets that promotion, he finishes that project, after lunch….. constantly waiting for the ‘good times’
‣ believe that one day your abuser will realize how good a mate you’ve been & be sorry, doing a complete 180 to finally admire & respect you.

🌧 These last 2 are especially hard to shake because of the pleasant breaks between attacks, when he stops being abusive just long enough to lull you into thinking “It’s different this time” (intermittent reinforcement).

NEXT : After-effects of N Abuse #1

PREVIOUS : Questions for Victims

SITE: “Mental & Emotional Abuse if Real” 

SYMPTOMS of N. ABUSE
These apply to You (the victim) in relation to your N partner (either gender)

YOU:
✦ are not allowed to grow
People need to develop, in order to become their best self. An insecure partner will tend to discourage this – lest you gain wisdom, & then see their weaknesses & want to leave. If you give in to their fears, you sacrifice a valuable part of your identity

✦ become tense around your significant other (S.O.)
It’s normal to feel anxious while you are fighting, but not all the time. Your relationship should feel like a soft place to land – anytime – especially after a long, hard day

✦ believe you can’t do anything right
This means your partner is taking your good qualities for granted – & happy to make use of them – while totally focusing on your flaws. Nobody’s perfect, but a partner who chips away at your self-esteem is being cruel
YOU:
✦ develop dissociation as a survival mechanism
This is emotional & physically numbing in the face of horrific circumstances, like an alcoholic blackout but without drinking – an actual detachment from your surroundings, with gaps in memory, perceptions, consciousness & sense of self.
In this state, mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions & repressed awareness become escapes from current reality

✦ don’t ‘feel like yourself’
This is a major sign that you’re compromising your identity & integrity for the sake of the relationship. To accommodate an abusive partner, you eventually negatively adjust your behavior & self-perception – to prove you ‘really do care’. These self-denying changes cause you to lose a sense of self, leaving you confused & empty

✦ fantasize about (or try) suicide, or engage in self-harm instead
Along with depression & anxiety comes creeping hopelessness, having developed “learned helplessness”. Victims of domestic violence are 2x as likely to try suicide, & multiple times. It’s the way your partner can commit the ‘perfect’ murder – without being held accountable
YOU:
✦ find yourself avoiding your S.O. – or notice them avoiding you
Taking some time to be alone is healthy. However, if you usually dread spending time with this person, it means they’re not safe to be with

✦ habitually lie to each other
Often lying to your partner means – either you’re doing something you know isn’t ‘kosher’, or you know they won’t accept something legitimate & positive you’re doing for yourself or the kids

✦ have the same arguments over & over
This usually represents deeper problems than the annoyance or criticism on hand. It can also mean one or both of you don’t communicate appropriately, OR one doesn’t want to deal with the issue, causing distress to the other
YOU:
✦ (one or both) suffer from serious jealousy
This is a huge red flag. Accusations of infidelity or lack of attention is not a sign of love, or even of passion – only throwing childish tantrums. Jealousy indicates personal immaturity, insecurity, & lack of trust in the partner (especially when UNjustified)

✦ put aside your basic needs & desires
The partner’s happiness is more important than your own, so you sacrifice emotional, even physical safety to please the abuser. Trying desperately to please someone so they won’t leave you, is exhausting & pathetic

✦ romanticize the past
This is a subtle sign of dysfunction, but a very important one. Healthy people enjoy looking back on good times. But, if you live in the past because your future imaginings look like more of the same misery, you’re in the wrong place
YOU:
✦ walk on eggshells
Forced to avoid whatever will set the abuser off again -to stave off their rage. But it never actually works, since they want to use you as an emotional punching bag. So you’re constantly anxious about accidentally ‘provoking’ your abuser, trying to prevent confrontations

✦ withdraw from everyone & isolate
Just the 2 of you in your cocoon of distrust. You feel ashamed about the abuse, & assume no one will understand or believe you anyway. Unfortunately, victims can be re-traumatized by law enforcement, family, friends & the N’s harem members who won’t validate your experiences

NEXT : Signs of Ongoing Abuse (#3)

PREVIOUS : Narcs seducing Empaths – 20 stages (Part 2)

BOOK : “The Body Keeps the Score” ∼ Dr. Van der Kolk (with reviews)

ABUSED MEN
Men are mistreated at home far more often than we might expect – in both straight & gay relationships. In some cases the abuse can instead come from an elderly parent, or a disturbed teen.
It happens to men from all cultures & all walks of life, regardless of age or occupation. Figures suggest that as many as 1 in 3 victims of domestic violence are male.

Abusers can have a ‘dual diagnosis’, being severely narcissistic and active alcoholics &/or drug addicts, severely mentally &/or physically ill, have PTSD….. (Abusive elderly parents…. )

Men are reluctant to report abuse for some of the same reasons that women don’t.
And the types of abuse they experience are similar to the list below, including:
✦ The N controls how you spend money, or deliberately defaults on joint financial obligations
(See : “N’s financial abuses”)
✦ Takes away car keys or locks you out for hours
✦ Prevents you from getting medical help or hides your medications ….
✦ Makes false allegations about you to employers, family, friends, the police…. anything to isolate you.   (More…. with help-suggestions)

↘️ GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS NEXT : Ongoing abuse #2

PREVIOUS :
What not to do with Ns, #4

SITEs : “What happens when you Stat Ignoring a Narcissist ?”

♟ “What happens when a narcissist see that he can’t destroy you?

Denial is our frenemy. It is naturally the child’s first & only defense. Being helpless & dependent makes it safer & less scary to deny extreme, continual deficiencies in & abuses from parents & other caregivers, than to ‘see’ what the child is actually experiencing.
And as adults, following the same patterns, it may feel safer to blame ourselves for problems than question the integrity of people we depend on for our survival. 

As long as we’re in denial, we repeat unhealthy patterns, failing to protect ourselves & those we love from further abuse. Breaking denial about a parent, spouse, or other important relationship is the first & often most difficult step in the Recovery process. But crucial.

NEXT : Signs of ongoing N-abuse , #1

PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (Part 3)

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont) 

✋🏼 DO NOT attend couples counseling with a NPD
BECAUSE it’s a scam to keep you hooked. Don’t be fooled by their agreement to go, since it’s bound to fail. They’ll triangulate with the therapist, be sooo charming or portray themselves as the victim, & use everything you say in therapy to further gaslight & retaliate between sessions.
Unwary therapists will address the Victim’s reactions instead of the abuse itself, & risk re-traumatizing the survivor. Since NPDs refuse to take any personal responsibility for their beliefs & actions, they don’t outgrow their patterns.

Many NPDs won’t even try counseling, totally blaming their partner. But if they do, it won’t last & then they can say manipulatively:
“See, therapy didn’t work – YOU’re not any better. So there’s no point in continuing”, OR
“It’s too expensive. Besides, the doc doesn’t know what he/she is talking about.” or when they quit, say :
“I tried, so you can’t blame me” (after only a few sessions)

And don’t talk about what you’re planning – especially if it includes leaving. It’ll just give them the time & ammunition to sabotage & then derail you, often getting ‘help’ from the therapist to do it.

🙀 🙀 🙀
NOTE from Dr. Ramani Durvasula
In reality, these last 4 points can’t always -OR ever- be avoided. So this info is to help you know what to expect, & prepare yourself & your Inner Child, using Recovery tools (12-Step meeting, literature, prayer, phone & text calls…. )

✋🏼 DO NOT attend family activities (yours or theirs)
BECAUSE it’s another opportunity to take you look like the crazy one or the b–ch. The N can too easily rile you up behind closed doors to make you seem unhinged or emotional to their family & friends, while they play the calm, collected partner.

To show others you’re not ‘the problem’ they’ve heard about, make sure you stay calm, smile a lot, tell about your accomplishments & only talk about facts – never emotions. And don’t complain about the N.
Vent your frustration & rage privately, in Program, therapy, your journal, in prayer…. Use these suggestions for the next 3 as well.

✋🏼 DO NOT attend get-togethers with the N
BECAUSE – among other things – it’s an opportunity for the N to triangulate by flirting with others in front of you, to get you to vie for the N’s attention.
The only ‘value’ in going – is to see how they interact with others. Attending social gatherings with the N. can cause much pain & a sense of alienation as he/she charms the crowd while devaluing you

✋🏼 DO NOT have celebrations with them
BECAUSE if you do – the N will most likely sabotage events such as your birthday, special celebrations or holidays. They’re infamous for ruining situations where you would be the center of attention & make you happy. If you have to ‘share’ these moments, make sure your support people are present as well

‘Special’ events also includes important deadlines, a work interview….. Do not let the N know when these are happening, since it means potentially losing power over you. They’ll deliberately rattle you so much – often using unrelated issues – that you may ruin it yourself!

✋🏼 DO NOT travel with them
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be shocked at how horrendous it can turn out. This is very familiar to anyone growing in an alcoholic family!

As adults, ‘dream vacations’ may initially be part of love bombing, but end up opportunities for the N to isolate & degrade the partner. Beside drinking alcoholically & triangulation with anyone, they’ll want to eliminate any witnesses – to ‘groom’ you to always expect verbal & psychological abuse.

Narcissists are notorious for abandoning their victims in foreign countries, making dream destinations a trip to hell, include the most special one – their honeymoon.

NEXT:

PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (Part 2)

SITE : Will they ever change?

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont) 

✋🏼DO NOT assume shared values
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be constantly confused. “Why did they do this or say that?” You can not use rational thinking & normal social rules to understand Ns. They operate from a different world view, & accepting that is the only way to deal with them

✋🏼 DO NOT not give or receive money
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always get screwed. That includes:
– depending on them, accepting financial ‘help’ or moving in together
– not making large purchases together, accepting large gifts
– signing contracts, such as a lease or business venture
– not getting a pet or having children with them, if possible

There is no such thing as a ‘free lunch’ with an abuser. ANY financial (& emotional) ties to a N will only work against you in the long run. You’ll be the one paying, in more ways than one  (POST: “N’s Financial abuses“)

✋🏼 DO NOT expect loyalty
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be continually disappointed & hopeless. Normals are stunned at how quickly & easily Ns dump a friend, lover….  when they’re not getting ‘fed’. Their shaky sense of self gives their needs a life-or-death quality, so they have to move on to a new supply (person) – fast. Ns use language as tools & weapons rather than to tell the truth. When they expressed undying love & faithfulness, they were lying.

✋🏼 DO NOT keep falling for their lines
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll end up trapped in The Matrix or Westworld. Notice how they say the same things over & over – about everything – even using the exact same words, like it’s on a disk!
You keep hoping you’ll get back to those early glory days when you were soooo happy with the N. But since that was a con job, it won’t. However, if you start getting wise & pulling away they’ll temporarily revert to an earlier charming ploy. If that doesn’t work they may rage.

✋🏼 DO NOT accept their false accusations
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll become more & more depressed, isolated, self-hating, even paranoid. Their lies are often said behind your back, to your boss, with friends, even family, & especially to your children. Ns are emotionally dyslexic – shamelessly accusing you of traits they know they’re guilty of. They need to make you think you’re wrong & they’re perfect.

✋🏼 DO NOT ask them for help in a crisis
BECAUSE if you do – you’re sure to be let down. It’s not unusual to hear horror stories from survivors callously abandoned or bullied by their N during the worst moments of their lives, in times of grief, loss or life-threatening illness.

A variation is Narcissistic Ghosting, when a N promises to help with a project or difficulty, but never shows up nor texts to cancel. Later they act as if nothing bad happened. 

✋🏼 DO NOT let them confront you, without you having documentation
BECAUSE Ns are really great at talking in circles, lying, changing the subject & reciting all your faults & mistakes –
but NEVER any of their own, so they come out smelling like a rose – to anyone who doesn’t know them.

Situations you need proof for can include years of private manipulation, business & personal negotiation, physical & sexual abuse, harassment or stalking.

Documentation is imperative if you’re going to bring a legal case against an abuser, or to resist their gaslighting & hoovering attempts. Don’t take phone calls, sticking to e-mail, text or voicemail, but in-person meetings should always include bringing someone trustworthy with you as witness.

NEXT: DON’Ts – #4

PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (# 1)

SITE : When it’s all About THEM

REMEMBER: YOU can NOT get a totally blind person (Ns) to see

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont)

✋🏼 DO NOT pay constant attention
BECAUSE if you focus on everything they do & say you’ll become totally distracted from your own needs & goals.  Don’t let yourself be unsettled by the N’s constant ‘attention seeking’. Create firm boundaries, while acknowledging the N’s desires without always giving in

✋🏼DO NOT personalize what they do
BECAUSE all their patterns are about THEM – never about you! Yes it effects you, but until you get it, you’ll feel bad about yourself.

Taking personally what Ns do or say grants them real estate in your mind & heart, which is exactly what they want. They’ll target anyone who happens to cross their path. While their worst abuse is often reserved for those closest to them, no-one is immune. It’s not personal, just what they do.

✋🏼 DO NOT try to justify or explain yourself
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll just make a fool of yourself. Ns like to undermine & see you squirm. Explaining your emotions or justifying beliefs & opinions is a waste of time. They’re not listening – only interested in winning, not communicating.

Do not defend yourself ever – but especially to a N, who will try hard to make you doubt what you’ve experienced or heard them do & say. Ns use attack questions or sarcasm to put others on the defensive so you’ll feel the need to explain your very right to be alive

✋🏼DO NOT minimize their outrageous behavior
BECAUSE if you do – it will wear a hole in your mind & spirit. Ns’ total self-absorption takes up all the psychic oxygen in the room. Over time, people constantly exposed to NPDs become inured (numb) to how badly they’re being harmed. Ns deceive, manipulate & humiliate others. Don’t whitewash or excuse them & never ignore how dysfunctional their words & actions are

✋🏼 DO NOT expect them to own their part
BECAUSE otherwise you’ll drive yourself ‘crazy’ trying to convince the N. It’s a waste of time to make them be accountable for unhealthy behavior. They only take credit & give blame, never apologize or admit responsibility. They see their accomplishments & successes as a ‘special’ talent, so their flaws have to get projected on to others

✋🏼 DO NOT give in to their love-bombing attempts
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll get conned into thinking they care about YOU. Their overwhelming attention is actually the way Ns fast-forward false emotional & physical intimacy.

It’s meant to manufacture a quick connection so they can ‘feed’ on you. Don’t let them. Don’t respond right away to every text, call or request for in-person meetings – to give yourself time & space to think

✋🏼 DO NOT give them ammunition
BECAUSE if you do – they’ll use anything you divulge to humiliate & control you, especially when you’re most vulnerable or in need. The more personal information you share – especially in the early ‘pink cloud’ days of a relationship – the more ammunition they’ll have to use against you!

That means – don’t talk about your deepest wounds, fears, insecurities & traumas. Everything will inevitably be thrown back at you to paint you as unstable, crazy or ‘losing it’. It may be a personal tidbit you mentioned in passing or a deep ‘truth’ you shared in confidence.

And they will, even if not right away. They can attack when you least expect it, when they’re angry at you about something – especially when you inadvertently displeased them, complained about something they did or didn’t do, or just weren’t paying them any attention.

NEXT : What NOT to do (Part 3)

PREVIOUS : What Ns want you to be #3

SITE : Narcissistic Love vs Unconditional Love

The 3 BIG Don’ts

1. DO NOT try to change them – ever!
BECAUSE No-one can change another person, but especially a N, who doesn’t see anything wrong with themselves.

Unhealthy co-deps are deeply afraid of feeling abandoned by others, & don’t believe that have any options because they’re not worthy & believe they don’t have any effect on the world.
So if a N chooses us, we’re grateful, since we think no-one else will ever want us, then we’ll be alone forever if we leave.

2. DO NOT fall for the “poor suffering” N game
WHY? BECAUSE it’s a con-job – to get you to do all the internal work in their life for them, so they never have to.
Take the time to find out who they really are, before you commit yourself – emotionally, financially, friend-wise career-wise…..

Ask other people who know them a long time(especially ex-s), work with or for them, their siblings…..Pay attention to the Red Flags – what they’re telling you about themselves (every one does).

Also, how you feel physically & emotionally when you’re with them AND after being around them. Are you angry & drained? Do you look forward to their company, or dead it?

3. DO NOT try to save them from themselves
BECAUSE = a. You can’t & they won’t let you
b. their armor is too thick to penetrate
c. their denial is fool-proof (you being the fool)
d. their self-destructiveness is deep-seated 
e. to ‘get better’ they’d have to be introspective & take responsibility, but NPDs never will
f. they love to destroy others as well
💠

😱DO NOT underestimate the power of narcissism (N)
BECAUSE if you do – it will suck you in to being used in their clever but desperate search for “supply”: to get attention, control, power, sexual conquest, wealth…. Their hunger is bottomless, & the drive to ‘feed’ is so powerful that Ns will even betray people closest to them

With the most severe cases – the NPDs – minor behaviors may shift over time, but their underlying psychological dynamic lasts a lifetime. So hoping narcissists will ever improve is a delusion

✋🏼 DO NOT be confrontational….
….. about anything, or that they’re a N, if possible.
BECAUSE if you do – they’re likely to lash out in rage or punish you in some other way for exposing them. It can be total silence, or major gaslighting or more love-bombing to win you back & make you think they’ve changed. It’ll only keep you stuck in the abuse cycle

✋🏼DO NOT take them at face value
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be left holding an empty shell. All that glitters is not gold. Ns work tirelessly to present a perfect facade of superiority & certainty, to keep others guessing. Underneath, many (but not all) feel empty, insecure & illegitimate. Don’t mistake the mask as an indicator of goodness or truth

✋🏼 DO NOT expect empathy or fairness
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always be left hanging, or worse – keep getting re-traumatized, if you’re an ACoA.
Empathy comes from the assumption that everyone is worthwhile, deserving equal attention & compassion – which Ns do not believe. Their grandiosity & sense of entitlement eliminates consideration, fair-play or reciprocation

✋🏼 DO NOT try to beat them at their own game
BECAUSE they’re much better at one-upmanship than you are. Ns spend all their time perfecting a campaign of self-aggrandizement, carrying out more manipulative actions in a week than most people do all year.
Ns have a mortal fear of being humiliated & feeling inferior. So great energy goes into cultivating ego-boosting sources, at others’ expense

NEXT: Don’t do…. #2

 
PREVIOUS : Narcissists’ FEARS (#2)

❧ INTIMACY
Genuine intimacy includes trust, understanding & being understood. It relies on endurance, safety, mutuality, respect & transparency. Without appropriate self-disclosure, there can be no intimacy. Anyone in an intimate relationship (beyond sex) can reveal vulnerabilities without expecting it to be used against them.

People with personality disorders (PDs) are afraid of mature intimacy – which requires genuine emotional involvement & being honest with oneself, which N’s are not.
Un-‘educated’ partners of NPDs confuse intimacy & intensity. Ns are extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy, but can turn it on & off as it suits them. When they’re needy, they offer such a  good fake version, which is very appealing, that it’s hard to resist. But when they’ve gotten their hit, they immediately go back to being selfish. Ns are the ultimate users.

Generally, Ns are extremely uncomfortable when ‘normal’ people try to bond with them (neuro-typical significant others = NT S/Os).  So Ns may not recognize that this is the “push” trigger that starts them devaluing the partner or friend, who will never be able to convince the NPD that their fear of intimacy is at the heart of their relationship-problems.

PROCESS of DEVALUING a relationship
💌the N meets a S/O who has the ability to provide the kind of love they crave
💌 the infatuation / idealization phase gets set in motion
💌This creates a euphoria from powerful neuro-chemicals that anesthetizes the N, which temporarily dampen their  reflexive instinct to throw up narcissistic defenses.

📭As the relationship continues, the N’s high wears off (the end of infatuation phase) & they return to their ‘normal’ unhealthy state

🎈Since the S/O (unaware of the N’s internal change) continues to offer unconditional love which the N didn’t get from their parents in childhood, & so can’t trust that anyone else will ever provide

🎁Mature intimacy offered by the S/O comes with the inevitable traveling companion of “vulnerability”, which NPDs cannot tolerate. It exposes old abandonment pain & the fear of future loss, which they’ve never learned to face & deal with (POSTs : “What Recovery Is / Isn’t“)

TRIGGER ALERT
💔 The N is subconsciously triggered when they start to FEEL emotions that come from someone loving them, which are are new & so alien that it causes a great deal of confusion. They feel intimidated & overwhelmed

🤎 This subconsciously sets the N on high alert, potentially being ‘forced’ to experiencing their greatest enemy – emotional pain

😱 In this state of hyper-sensitivity the N can start to experience mounting anxiety, despondence & irritation, with a sense of impending doom – without understanding why

⚡️Before long the N is caught up a Category-5 emotional hurricane of rapidly changing feelings, attacked by the stinging rain of vulnerability-terror

⚡️They’ll convert “softer” feelings toward the S/O into anger, & possibly hatred, with a stronger & stronger urge to get rid of the source of the pain

⚡️The N’s maladaptive defenses prevent them from distinguishing friend from
foe, so they act against their own best interests.
Their subconscious starts whispering an endless stream of self-hating & paranoid intrusive thoughts ➡️, which convince the NPD-sufferer to accuse the S/O of causing their ever-increasing angst & agitation

⚡️The tragic twist is that it’s the S/O’s love that inadvertently triggers the N, by providing them with the very thing they’ve always wanted – mature adult intimacy – but which they’re terrified of trusting in

⚡️Unfortunately, since the N is not consciously aware of what’s going on inside, they inevitably push the S/O away, unable to recognize that their misery has nothing to do with the S/O, who’s done nothing wrong

💔Pushing away people who are truly capable of psychological / spiritual intimacy & love leaves the N even more deprived & ‘starving’, but provides temporary relief from intense anxiety, feeling elated & relieved after unshackling these ‘chains’.
This may temporarily set off depression & isolation, but eventually their emptiness can push the N to start the cycle all over again. Unable to be their own healer & comforter, they need to use other people to “feed off of”.

(SOURCE : Tod Skyler, attorney, 1/20/2020)

 NEXT: N ‘helpers”- BYSTANDERS #1