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POST :  Cognitive Distortions – Intro #2  — NOTE to ACoAs

DEF : Black & White thinking is an Either-Or way of looking at everything, & one of the most common ACoA Cognitive Distortions (CDs) .
It’s thinking in absolutes, the mind simplifying experiences into two opposing categories – something is either good or bad, success or failure, right or wrong, lovable or unlovable… The human brain prefers clarity & certainty, especially when stressed, to reduce ambiguity, by simplifying overwhelming situations to feel in control.

But while B & W can feel intense & seem convincing , it more often leads to harsh emotional reactions & distorted conclusions, creating unnecessary stress, Without middle ground options, you’re forced to struggle to function at the extremes – damaging self-esteem, & straining relationships. It keeps you from seeing life the way it really is : complex, uncertain, & constantly changing.

🥺 The Damaged Child’s (WIC) desperate desire is to make life safer by pinning things down, wanting to know the ‘rules’, trying to never make a mistake…. ACoAs hate uncertainty, convinced that ‘maybe-s’ & nuances are not valid or useful, are dangerous & scary…. that someone talking about alternatives & other options is just messing with you, making it feel like the ground under you is wobbly.

CAUSES / CONTRIBUTIONS
☁︎ Anxiety – craving certainty & Depression, narrowing perspectives
Also, sustained painful emotions or mental illness can worsen B & W thinking as with (OCD ) Obsessive-compulsive & (BPD) Borderline personality disorders.

☁︎ Fear of Abandonment (FoA) – causing the need for constant reassurance
☁︎ Perfectionism, where small missteps feel like catastrophes. & only flawless outcomes are acceptable

☁︎ Narcissism.  Narcs need to always have the upper hand, to have the power in every situation. Rigid B & W thinking is a protective shield against being unsure which they consider a weakness.
☁︎ Trauma, where extremes seemed to identify & predict safety or danger for survival.

Negative EFFECTS
Career. Too rigid thinking can be a problem in work environments where there’s a lot of collaboration & sharing of different ideas

Diet. B & W greatly restricts what you thinks is ok to eat & makes it hard to try new things which are beneficial.  It also makes you judge your looks & body as only good or bad, & may contribute to anorexia.

Learning. Many school courses have a simple performance measure : pass or fail, leading many students to believe they’re inherently good or bad at learning.

Relationships. Using extreme thinking as a reaction to normal adult conflicts leads to drawing the wrong conclusions about someone, & misses opportunities to talk things out or compromise.

GROWTH
‼️ LAYERS – Think visually :
Neg: B & W ways of ‘understanding’ something is always looking at Left or Right extremes, not even on a continuum. It’s all blank in between!

Pos:  HEALTHY – Instead – Always think in layers. EXP : When feeling very upset, you know right away it’s your WIC that’s reacting to something in the present. ♥︎ Base layer : Something painful was triggers that happened often in the past.
♠︎ Defense Layer : What is the child thinking / saying ? It’s usually some form of Self-Hate, plus mental confusion ….
💕 Upper Layer : BUT your adult rational self can be much more realistic, & if you’re developing a Loving Parent,  the UNIT can help you mourn the past but stay in the present. That will soften the pain.

BTW : ….. “The poet John Keats coined the term “negative capability” to describe “when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts – without any irritable reaching after fact & reason.” Negative capability isn’t comfortable. It’s a liminal place, a zone of questions & ongoing work rather than a clean arrival at ‘knowing’. But a capability to sit with uncertainty doesn’t mean being paralyzed. Indeed, Keats saw it as the hallmark of “a Man of Achievement….. “ From “Unfinished Business” by Melissa Kirsch (NY Times)

🪴 Acceptance. One constant in life is change. Work at accepting that you can’t know every outcome.  It’s OK to say “I don’t know” or ask for more time to think about something (“I’ll get back to you”).
Al-Anon sayings : “Take the action & let go of the result” /// “I know what I know but I can’t know everything.”

🪴 Think BOTH-AND
EXP : “I made a mistake and I’m still learning” /// “It’s hard work and it’s worth the effort”.  Both can be true at the same time.
✒︎ Replace Absolutes : from Always to Sometimes, Never to Often, Impossible to Difficult…

🪴 Self-Compassion and Healthy BOUNDARIES – loosens rigid B & W.
POSTS : I KNOW WHO I AM      ///  PMES for SELF-CARE

NEXT : __________ CD

PREVIOUS : GROWTH for OverDoing (#4c)
 
SITE : SITE :  11 Tips for Getting & Staying Motivated

5 = Prioritize
6 = Goals

7. MENTAL warrior : Give Yourself Time to Think

🤳🏽 Set Your Intention : Before planning your thinking session, take a moment to jot down your dreams & aspirations for the year or your career. Reflect on achievements that would make you proud. Define specific & realistic goals, visualizing the satisfaction of accomplishing them during your retreat. Lower the stakes, viewing your creative ‘retreat’ (time out) as the beginning of a larger, fulfilling project or a new way of life.

🧠 Capture Ideas Systematically : Transform your creative thoughts into actionable insights by taking meticulous notes. Whether using pen & paper for a disconnected experience or a digital system, document your ideas with the seriousness they deserve. Invest energy in put ideas in categories, scheduling time for synthesizing & reflecting on your generated ideas.

🏝️ Change Your Environment :  From time to time put yourself in a new & different setting. Eliminating external demands & judgments encourages original ideas by being able to draw on your natural curiosity & unique experiences. Whether working from home, a co-working space, or a nature retreat, changing your physical location improves lateral thinking, helping to make more confident & playful idea-associations.

😌 Strategic Breaks: Embrace your full self, including the body, in the creative process. During your thinking retreat, take reflective walks while focusing on a specific topic, letting your mind wander while in motion. Have fun with physical activities that might feel awkward in the office. Boost creativity with activities like brisk jogging or swimming, harnessing the benefits of increased endorphins & cognitive skills. It’s during these times of rest & quiet that creativity blossoms, resulting in better productivity.

⛔️ Truly Disconnect : Break free from digital addiction by actively unplugging during your thinking ‘retreat’. Turn off devices, use apps to limit distracting access, maybe even lock your phone away. Replace the digital fix with hands-on activities like doodling, puzzles or outdoor creations (gardening…. )  Disconnecting lets your unconscious mind work, paving the way for authentic & artistic ideas. Consider joining with a friend for support, who is able to be encouraging without being a distraction.

8. WORK / OFFICE  / HOME
Establishing a realistic work schedule starts with defining your working hours – based on your most productive time of day along with the demands of the job. Be realistic about what you can achieve within these hours & set boundaries to protect your personal time. It’s important to be strict about starting & ending your workday at the same time.

When possible, consider implementing flexible scheduling or flex time to better accommodate your personal needs & improve your overall work-life balance.  Limit internet & emails after work. And be willing to unplug completely after work hours – turn off text notifications & resist the urge to check in.

Use Vacation Days – Aside from taking breaks during work hours, make full use of your allotted time off. Plan vacation time in advance, clearly communicating this with your manager. Vacations are meant to help you relax & rejuvenate, preventing burnout.

re. Family or Work Groups  – Instead of constantly checking up on others out of worry, set regular check-in times, like team stand-ups or a weekly date night with your partner. Creating these scheduled “containers” can reduce the urge to constantly monitor how others are doing.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help  & be specific about where & when it’s needed. Whether at work or in your personal life, getting support & delegating tasks can relieve some of the pressure daily life.
Surround yourself with a network of people who understand & respect your boundaries. Practice open communication with family, friends & colleagues.
ALSO = Ask them directly where your support has been helpful to them, & where they would prefer to manage independently.

Time for Family & Friends – Plan important family events & social activities, making them just as important as work meetings or deadlines.  They provide necessary breaks from business stress, recharging emotional & mental energy that improves thinking & functioning when returning to work.

Cultivate Hobbies – Having a good work-life balance isn’t just about having more time for your family & friends. It means creating time for yourself as well. Devote space each week for something you love to do.
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PREVIOUS: GROWTH for OverDoing (#4c)

SITE : <—— …. A Step-by-Step Guide

CORRECT Over-functioning (cont)

1= Self-Awareness
2= NOT perfect
3= Boundaries
4= Health

5. PRIORITIZE (cont)
• To effectively set priorities for work tasks throughout the day & week you need a realistic & practical approach to integrating work & personal life. Start by identifying all tasks & categorizing them based on urgency & importance, using tools like the Eisenhower Box or a simple priority list.

Set aside time to organize & review what’s happening in your week so you can cut down on tasks that take up too much time but don’t have a lot of value. Start by identifying all tasks & categorizing them based on urgency & importance,

TIME : Avoid the temptation to over-commit by focusing on a few key activities rather than spreading yourself too thin. Do not list more than you can accomplish in the day. Chose your target tasks & make your best effort to finish them throughout the day  If you never can – it tells you that the list is too long &/or the tasks are simply ot realistically do-able!

Improving time-management skills is essential to maximize productivity & achieve a better work-life balance.
NOTE : Since many ACAs have a distorted sense of time, use your phone or an actual egg timer clock – to identify how long various activities take : washing dishes, getting dressed, eating a meal, making the bed, taking a shower or bath, laundry, driving somewhere usual, a medical appointment, a phone conversation, exercise…..
🫶🏽 Include time for 12-Step meetings, plus any other daily routine for mental health & spiritual growth

Regularly keep track of how long tasks take.  While each type may vary from day to day depending on your current situation, keep a log for a month & then take the average as your overall guide.
🤓 This is crucial to know – so you can plan your day accurately.

EXP : The Pomodoro Technique suggests to set a timer for 25 min. & work on a specific task. Take a short break (5 min) , then repeat. After every 4th round, take a longer break (15 – 30 min).

6. Set Realistic GOALS
Set realistic, achievable goals that align with your values, stretch your abilities, & feel meaningful — not just impressive. Whether it’s learning a skill, deepening relationships, or pursuing a long-held dream, good goal-setting bridges the gap between “someday” and “today.”
IMP: They do not reward short term burnout-based activity, but instead promote long-term consistency.

📌 It’s important to reflect on why you’ve set certain goals for yourself, & why you spend your time the way you do. Most over-doers are a victim of a productivity paradox, being on autopilot , because they don’t have self-awareness (see 4a) – not regularly checking in with themself.

Understanding the different types of goals helps tremendously : Contribution, long-term, outcome, process, short-term, smart and ‘Everest’ (bold, inspiring). One type is not better than another – rather –  they serve different purposes & can be combined when a task or project is very large.

Effective goals have to be specific enough to guide action (EXP : “write 500 words daily”) & meaningful enough to motivate it. Historical & modern Goal Setting Theories shows that clarity, challenge, & feedback dramatically increase your odds of reaching the desired outcome. They’re not just academic – they’re blueprints for designing goals that actually work.

Always think in terms of Process  (via Al-Anon 3 As). Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Micro habits can help  to fight your impulse to pursue productivity at all costs.
💚a. chip away at goals by starting small, taking stock of your to-dos on a given week & doing one less thing.
💚 b. more challenging is doing just one task at a time – while putting your phone down. Try not to multi-task – but this can be much harder for parents of young children.

Technology: Take advantage of software such as calendars, to-do lists, & apps like Notion, Evernote, and Trello, that help organize your work process.   These apps can also be combined, making it easier to keep everything in one place. Some even offer time-tracking software to manage your working hours more effectively.

SITE :  6 different useful worksheets
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PREVIOUS: OverDoing GROWTH (#4

SITE : “How to Set Enforceable Priorities With People”

CORRECT Over-functioning (cont)

BTW : A fully ‘differentiated’ person separates out Self’ from Other and Thoughts from Feelings (emotions), so they can have thoughts about their feelings & feelings about their thoughts.  They don’t get caught up in over-doing as a life-pattern.
They’re able to respond to life based on all the information available to them instead of ignoring what’s uncomfortable or painful. They have healthy boundaries between Self & an Other, making their relationships (with the right people) rich & satisfying.

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PREVIOUS : ACoA Over-Doers in Relationships (#3a)

SITEs : 🔹” Weighing the cost of over-functioning”

🔹Under & Over-functioning in Relationships: A Bowen Family Systems Approach”

Over-doing (O=D)  /O-functioning creates a reinforcing system deepening an unhealthy codependent pattern. It fuels chronic stress & burnout while corroding the connection. The over-doer becomes trapped in a cycle of anxiety-driven responsibility.

CONSEQUENCES to the relationship – of O-D
👫 Anxiety & control behaviors — Over-doing often stems from anxiety – if you’re afraid things will go wrong, you try yo prevent it, but this perpetuates the cycle

Attachment cycle trap — Emotional over-doers pair with under-doers, creating an anxious-avoidant cycle  – where you the anxious partner feels on-edge while your avoidant one feels overwhelmed & pressured 

• Blocks partner autonomy — By constantly taking responsibility for others’ actions, you’re stifling their ability to grow, learn & develop problem-solving skills, leaving them less self-reliant

Creates ‘directiveness’ — The over-doer gradually considers their partner as “not quite as good”,  relating in a directive, controlling way rather than as an equal 

Emotional exhaustion — By constantly taking on more than your share of emotional & practical work, you eventually hit a wall of exhaustion, so you too become stressed, anxious, & overwhelmed 

Enables Dependency — When you over-do, the other person has little incentive to contribute equally. This creates dependency, as if you’re a parent rather than a partner

• Intimacy deterioration — You’ll end up feeling alone, overwhelmed, & frustrated, while the under-doer can feel infantilized & incompetent, creating emotional distance 

Justification masks reality — When someone repeatedly shows you their ability to function, make decisions… & you keep over-riding & ignoring the proof, you’re not treating then as the person they actually, which is insulting

Loss of Self — When you spend so much energy managing someone else’s needs, you lose track of your own needs, & personal boundaries. While thinking you’re doing the ‘right thing’ you’re undercutting your self-esteem & losing your identity

Relationship instability — This dynamic  may have started with good intentions, but if continued will always lead to resentment as you feel your efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated, breeding frustration & anger, burnout & a lack of mutual growth, threatening the relationship’s survival

Repetitive conflict cycles — When partners feel misunderstood by each other, their disagreements & arguments go on & on, without clear resolution or change 

Stifles Personal Growth —By constantly taking responsibility for anothers’ actions, you’re stifling their ability to grow & learn. You prevents them from developing their problem-solving skills & becoming more self-reliant.
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CHANGING the PATTERN : Finding Balance is Key
❤️‍🩹  Acknowledge the Pattern  – that overdoing is part of your relational behavior. Seriously, deeply think about the roots of the issue, such as anxiety, a need for control, & fear of abandonment.

❤️‍🩹 Communicate Your Needs — One reasons over-dong is that they have a hard time knowing, expressing & proving their own needs.
Once you can identify them, practice asking for them from your partner. Talk about how you two can share the load more evenly.

❤️‍🩹 Delegate & Share Responsibilities — A balanced relationship requires both partners to contribute equally. Start handing over some of your duties, so the other person can step up – even if they don’t do it perfectly (your way). Accepting imperfection is one key to letting go of over-doing.

❤️‍🩹 Set & Respect Boundaries  — Another key to stopping is implementing healthy boundaries. Define where your part ends & the other person’s begin. It will help you regain your sense of self & encourage mutual respect. EXP: don’t help with your partner’s problems unless they specifically ask for your input.

❤️‍🩹 Practice Self-Compassion  — It’s easy to be hard on yourself when you realize you’ve been over-doing, but it’s important to practice self-kindness, acceptance & patience. Over-doing may come from caring & wanting to keep things running smoothly. Take credit for wanting to learn & grow. Making changes is a slow process. so Be Gentle with yourself as you make the effort.

NEXT : Over-Doing GROWTH (#1)

PREVIOUS :  Over-doing  (#2c)

SITE : “Cycle of Over-functioning and Distancing” 

Based on : Scout.Yahoo.com

OVER-Doing (O-D)
Over-functioning in relationships creates an imbalance when one partner takes on too much or most of the emotional, mental & practical responsibility (PMES).  It leads to exhaustion, resentment & eroded intimacy for both. This pattern often masks underlying anxiety, showing up as a deep need to be controlling. It’s a sign of deeper relational issues being played out, such as unstable attachment wounds,  codependency, relational trauma….

Over-doing is responsibility has been absorbed by someone.  While it may “feel” like love or being responsible, it gradually damages the couple’s partnership by eating away at the foundation.
Growth requires space.  Healthy relationships are based on give-&-take. Even when things are not always ‘perfectly’ balanced, long-term there’s an easy ebb & flow.

However, when one person in a relationship consistently over-functions, it doesn’t stay personal – it becomes structural. the system adapts around it, the relationship re-organizing itself so that one person keeps carrying most or all the emotional, logistical & relational weight. This isn’t usually conscious or malicious. The system stabilizes around whoever handles the most, trying to be efficient within the dysfunction.

If one person keeps over-doing, the other(s) will keep under-doing. Not because they can’t but because this system quietly rewards imbalance.  The more you anticipate needs, smooth tension, rescue outcomes, & regulate the emotional field, the less space there is for others to grow (mate, children, co-workers / employees….).

With time, responsibility becomes invisible labor – when it’s not named, acknowledged or shared,  becoming the ingrained background operating system of the relationship. So resentment becomes inevitable. The longer it runs this way, the harder it is to interrupt without discomfort. Interesting : the over-functioning partner keeps going in silence. It’s the under-functioning one who complains.  (from J. Mike Field)

Some SIGNS of Over-Doing because —>  YOU FEEL :
♥︎ afraid, constantly scanning the environment looking for signs of trouble you have to handle – fast, or else
♥︎ you have to prioritize their comfort over your own, then get secretly resentful, but keep going to keep the peace
♥︎ the compulsion to anticipate /know their needs, before they express them (OR maybe don’t actually need OR don’t want)
FEEL
♥︎ responsible for ‘fixing’ their emotions, even when they haven’t asked for support or help
♥︎ annoyed or angry when they want to relax or take time to do something without you (not about cheating)
♥︎ anxious &/or guilty if/when you step back, assume things will fall apart without your constant vigilance & efforts
♥︎ judgmental when they actually help to do something you need or want —> but their way (wrong way by you)
OR – resentful that they never offer to help, or refuse 

EXAMPLES of relationship IMBALANCE
As the OVER-DOER, you’re Always the one who :
☀︎ is taken advantage of, accommodating to their schedules & goals, their wants / demands / expectations (no mutual effort)
☀︎ reaches out to connect, initiates communication &/or intimacy, constantly afraid they will leave
☀︎ acts as parent or therapist, listening to their problems & giving advice, even when they’re just dumping, but never sharing your own needs & feelings
WHO
☀︎ makes all the plans & arrangements, co-ordinates family/ friends / work dinners…. Works to be sure everyone has a good time.  Even when you’re tired, ill, burnt out or just don’t want to
☀︎ says YES to requests (or demands) from them – afraid to say NO, so they won’t be angry (see Laundry List)
☀︎ spends lots of time apologizing, making excuses for their hurtful / bad / unhealthy behavior
☀︎ (if single) travels to meet the other, but they never come to you
☀︎  when making future plans, assumes they’ll be part if it – although they don’t (even hint it! “I’m not sure where I’ll be / what I’m going to do….”) ⁠
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PREVIOUS : Over-Doing (#2a)

POSTS : Work STYLES (#1-4)

PROCESS of Over-Doing (based on M. Mantell info)
Stage 1: Rich — when the activity feels so very enjoyable. When over-indulging in the original thing (food, project, new love….), it feels exciting, delicious, eliminates anxiety….
But this intensity will NOT last.

EXP: The first week Jen went away to college (at 17) she went exploring the town on her own. While grocery shopping for dorm snacks she bought several packages of dried apricots. They were ‘too expensive’ for mom to ever get, so now she had the freedom. On the way back she ate 3 of the packs. It was wonderful, delicious/’sinful’ & very sweet. But she got a quite sick from all that sugar, & never wanted another died apricot.

Stage 2: Signs to slow down
If it’s a work task or project, a not-s0-new love affair…. you start getting sensations in the body to slow down (losing focus, headaches, lower back pain, sleeplessness…). If you’re aware enough to recognize the subtle changes, ASK :  Am I still running on an outdated fantasy or a realistic mental goal? What’s my present-moment need?

Stage 3: Need a break — when the ‘thing’ you were so excited about is starting to hurt. Usually, the signs at this stage are hard to ignore, but if you really try, you definitely can. Sadly, ACoAs were trained to be numb to both physical & emotional signals, especially the painful ones! So you try to tough it out. It’s a matter of pride – “I can handle anything!” (no matter the cost).

Stage 4: Overdone!
If you ignore Stage 3 alerts & keep pushing, you’ll get over-done, like a burned dinner. Your body starts to panic & everything in you is screaming to take space. You end up sluggish, depressed & maybe sleep too much.

Stage 5: Slowly re-integrate
If you finally take the space = either because you honestly admit you needed to, or your body forced you to = you take as long a break as needed —> to recover. Spend that time to evaluate your patterns, motives & choices.

📌 Work at NOT going back into Stage 1. This can sneak up on you if there’s something very different you get obsessed with! & you haven’t yet caught on to – & corrected – the underlying issues driving the compulsion.

BURNOUT Symptoms (VERYWELL Health)
If you don’t catch the signs of over-doing early,  you end up totally depleted. This can look different for each of us, but a very good indicator that productivity has turned toxic includes feeling low-self worth from co-dependent people-pleasing, because of never living your truth by acting authentically.
At its most extreme, you’re burnt out so badly you actually have a melt-down & have to quit work / career for weeks or months, to recuperate.
BUT did you learn your lesson & change?

🔻 Creating conflicts = over-extending yourself at home, arguing, criticizing, sudden anger outbursts, forgetting to do routine things or that were promised…..

🔻 Finding it hard to get up in the morning, & tired ‘round-the-clock’. One of the most recognized symptoms of burnout & considered the “core” of the syndrome

🔻 Feeling Dread & Lack of Motivation =  The “Work in America” survey found that 26% of U.S. workers aren’t motivated to do their best, & 18% feel ineffective

🔻 Feeling Useless, with Depression = feeling like you can’t do anything right, & a loss of interest in any activities, affecting your efficacy (ability to get work done)

🔻 Lack of Focus or Concentration = while at any task – you’re confused, & your mind wanders easily – making it hard to complete actions, no matter how easy they normally are

🔻 Physical problems = severe back pain / muscle spasms, restless sleep, headaches, stomach pains & appetite changes —— either too much or too little

🔻 Being more Negative than you used to be, & much more Impatient with loved ones & customers, even about little unimportant ‘stuff’

🔻Not performing well at work = ignoring assignments, lateness, many mistakes, arguing, having an ‘attitude’, taking on more responsibilities, constantly offering to help others

🔻 Unhealthy Behaviors = turning to harmful pacifiers  (alcohol, drugs, comfort foods, indiscriminate sex, over-exercising….)

🔻 Vision Changes  = prolonged stress can : raise intraocular pressure, cause blurriness, dryness, floaters, light sensitivity….

NEXT : Over-doing : GROWTH

PREVIOUS : SLOW DOWN

SITE : “Stop Overdoing Your Strengths” – very extensive (Harvard Biz Review)

BOOK : “Do Nothing” (by @celesteheadlee)

If you feel like this poem too – you may be stuck in a cycle of toxic productivity – typical of many ACoAs, a  form of “not-enoughness”. This can drive us to act in ways that don’t align with what really matters to us. We subconsciously keep busy by compulsively working to avoid dealing with painful emotions,  & issues in our current & past reality.
Here again is another aspect of how we use/ misuse TIME.

“Creative Hopelessness” of Toxic Productivity – an ACT term for waking up to the reality that what we are doing (over & over) isn’t working. (ACT =Acceptance & Commitment Therapy — about psychological flexibility).
Over-functioning is a classic wounded response formed during a toxic childhood. Being over-controlled, seriously neglected, &/OR trying to keep a chaotic household afloat,  ACoAs take on too much responsibility at a very young age.

Of course, then we continue the pattern as adults — until we have enough Recovery to set appropriate boundaries on our actions. It’s a common but often overlooked reaction to internal or external stress, feeling compelled to “do more” as a way of coping — trying to manage & control many things that are actually not ours to handle.
Most people on the productivity wheel are on autopilot – from not being self-aware – by not checking in with themself regularly OR at all . Over time, it leads to PMES burnout AND damaged relationships caused by letting others under-function & become too reliant on us.

Toxic beliefs in the WIC creating anxiety : I FEEL
🥺 afraid there’s not enough for me
⚡️alone & long for people to see my value
⚡️anxious when I’m still (nothing to do)
⚡️guilty when I take time off
⚡️sad that I’m not where I “should” be in life
⚡️scared that I’m going to be left behind
⚡️ shame that I’m not enough. (add your own)

As mentioned in the previous post,  the illusion is that we must be constantly ‘productive” to have any value at all ! much less to reach goals. Ironically this belief actually derails our dreams.
So it’s important to figure out why we get caught in overdoing.
📌 Notice why you’ve set certain goals for yourself, what’s their purpose & how do you spend your time. ASK :
— When it feels like I’m not doing enough, what do I do?
— How is this working? AND What price do I have to pay?

Our native biology is doing its job when we’re low on reserves —> the brain is designed to shift into ‘drive mode’ when it seems we don’t have enough resources & need to compete for scarce goods (food, shelter, a mate).
Unfortunately : present-day messaging (broad media, social media, education…. ) floods our drive system with messages that we aren’t doing enough, are being left out (FoMo),  don’t measure up, & are falling behind.

TOXIC Productivity
Toxic productivity is based on the deep-rooted conviction that you only have value from what you produce. So – if you’re always the person responsible for getting things done at home & at work, you may think you’re more in control, highly competent, & a valued member of your team or family.
HOWEVER, it :
º causes you to miss sleep & meals so you can work more
º ‘considers’ downtime as a waste instead of recovery time
º guilt trips you into not resting or taking breaks
º ignores or minimizes physical warning signs like headaches, fatigue, increased irritability, elevated resting heart rate
º promotes the habit of always being in ‘hustle mode’, at the expense of normal human and personality needs

You know it’s toxic when YOU :
♠︎  don’t have hobbies, a healthy social life or take vacations — because all your focus is on work or career (and money?)
♠︎  minimize or deny your real successes
♠︎  often feel work-related insecurity or guilt
♠︎  sacrifice time needed for yourself, family & friends – for the sake of productivity
♠︎   set your expectations unrealistically high, both for yourself & for the work
♠︎  undervalue or ignore your own physical, mental & emotional health

NEXT : OVER-DOING (2b)

PREVIOUS : Over-Doing (#2)

SITE : Parent as Over-Doer

UNDER-FUNCTIONING
DEF : Under-Doing (functioning) in children refers to difficulties in managing tasks & responsibilities, affecting the ability to perform well in school & daily activities, often leading to reliance on others.  NOTE: re. tasks = either not able to initiate, or not finish.

Some symptoms 
🚻 Emotional Immaturity – not able to manage their emotions – perhaps leading to impulsive behaviors & overreactions, lashing out & later regretting it. Get easily frustrated & anxious when faced with tasks, so avoid taking action

🚻 Executive Functioning problems : not good at planning, organizing & finishing task, may procrastinate or have trouble starting homework or chore.  Includes —
— Structure : may lose track of assignments, forget to bring needed materials with them, not keep workspace tidy
—  Time Management : misjudge how long tasks will take, leading to last-minute rushes

🚻 Social Interaction : struggle to make friends, understand social cues, & participate in group activities

🚻 Lack of Independence & Low Motivation –  See “Over-Parenting”  below

GENERAL { Contributing factors to Under-doing
🙇🏻‍♂️ Genetic predispositions & neurobiological changes. Alterations in brain structure & function.  Children with a family history of mental illness may be more susceptible to similar issues

🙇🏽‍♀️ Neuro-developmental disorders, such as ADHD or the autism spectrum (ASD)

🙇🏻‍♂️ Chronic Illness : Health issues may limit participation in school & social activities

🫃🏽 Family dynamics, such as parental mental health & parenting styles, which often includes Adverse childhood experiences, (ACE)  including trauma, abuse & neglect

🙇🏽‍♀️ Psychological Factors, such as anxiety or depression…. impair cognitive & emotional processing

🫃🏽Environmental Influences & missing Support systems
ALSO, 👫Psycho-social Factors  – Peer rejection & bullying

🤰🏻Socio-economic factors, such as poverty, poor nutrition, no access to mental health resources, dangerous neighborhood….

★However, a MAJOR Cause of Under-functioning in children is parental Narcissism, Double-binding & Boundary Invasions.

👥  Parental Influences / Helicoptoring
Over-parenting  (O-P) reduces a child’s ability to manage their own emotions & behavior, leaving them less equipped to handle challenges in school & social settings.

Being over-controlling limits opportunities for children to develop self-regulation skills, which are fundamental to long-term mental & physical health. 

🧠 Emotional & Behavioral Consequences of O-P
Anxiety patterns — when a child is ‘shielded’ from all discomfort, they don’t learn how to handle challenges, disappointment, demanding situations, the unknown…. so they feel overwhelmed when life throws a curve

Emotion dysregulation — when decisions or playtime are constantly ‘guided’ by a parent, the child will have trouble adjusting to complex school environments, causing behavioral problems

Reduced resilience — children who haven’t been helped to learn to regulate their own emotions effectively have a harder time bouncing back & fitting in

📊 Long-term Mental Health Effects from O-P.
Chronic stress — Parental anxiety often drives over-parenting, & this anxiety is transmitted to children, creating learned patterns of worry & hyper-vigilance

Depression & Obsessing – negative self-talk develops as children internalize parental criticism or face unrealistic expectations

Body image concerns — Parental monitoring of appearance or eating habits increases risk for eating disorders & poor body image

📌 Research shows all these patterns persist over time into adulthood, negatively affecting overall psychological functioning & well-being.

PREVIOUS :  CHILDHOOD Causes (#1)

POSTs : Review the 2 LAUNDRY LISTs (soft & hard)

OVER-DOERS / over-functioning (O-D)
😨 Hypervigilant
Over-doing children develop a hyper alert nervous systems from constantly scanning their social environment for danger.  With an increased sense of awareness & alertness, it becomes almost impossible to stay in the moment in their body, or to relax & rest.  As children & then later on, they’re either obsessing about the past, or projecting danger in the future, waiting for the next crisis.

🙀 Anxious
Given the many painful experiences that Over-doing kids go thru, it’s no wonder that chronic anxiety is common. Forever scanning for anything that can & will go wrong, they’re worried about what they can do to feel safer.  That leads to constantly being in fight-or-flight mode, elevating stress hormones like adrenaline, which ends up severely depleted, with many side effects, including a weakened immune system.

🫂 Blurred boundaries
In dysfunctional families, any form of healthy boundaries is practically unknown. They violate each others’ space, privacy & rights.  Parents expect & demand the child take on the roles of adult caretaker, lawyer, nurse, shrink…. but only for themselves.

Spending much of their upbringing focused on other people’s needs, children don’t get to figuring out what they actually want, need or even feel. They never know where the PMES lines are, when others end & where they start.
IMP : to form & maintain appropriate Bs, one must first know what one’s needs are, neither of which Over-doing children are allowed. (ACoAs & Bs)

😜 Need to feel ‘in control’
Being in constant turmoil the child in a dysfunctional home becomes hyper-responsible as the only way to keep everything functional & hopefully to gain approval. Hyper-vigilance conditions the nervous system to assume ‘inevitable’ danger, physical & emotional.

That becomes the need to be controlling – taking over, managing people or situations (PPT) by anticipating others’ needs & trying to provide them as best as the child can.  Control is an attempt to ‘fix’ problems, as well as handle both day-to-day details & larger tasks – even trying to manage things out of the child’s control. The effort can feel physically calming – temporarily – so becomes compulsive.

🤐 Emotional Suppression
Children consumed by Over-Doing don’t have the space to be quiet & calm inside, to find out what they’re feeling emotionally, even physically. Some may be obviously angry, but most drown in terror (unidentified anxiety).  Any form of pain has to be ignored & suppressed.

Children learn their emotions are never to be acknowledged – it’s just a huge annoyance.  But while never admitted, dysfunctional parents ‘bleed’ their emotions all over the place – anger, depression, worry, neediness.…   For the children, the message is “Do, do, do, but do NOT feel.”

😇 Over-Responsibility
Children become Over-doers because to survive they’re compelled to make up for the lack of parenting skills in the damaged adults round them. It’s made clear that any problem – big or small –  is somehow the children’s fault & their responsibility to fix. With limited knowledge & little or no support, they try to do the impossible.

They realized early on that ‘everything’ depends on being able to figure out how to stay alive, manage the chaos & neglect, & compensate for being unacceptable to their family.  So they use every ounce of determination & creativity to be ‘little’ adults, carrying on their thin shoulders all the burdens that should rightly be on the caregivers.

👣 Codependent
This is one of several defense mechanisms developed in unhealthy families, where there’s usually one adult who is intensely narcissistic & hard, & if there is another – are likely the softer co-dependent one, perhaps who is withdrawn, with low self-esteem. In this case, children will copy one or the other, not having the right to form their own identity . This leaves them very vulnerable, & one way to compensate is by Over-doing, trying to stave off loneliness, anxiety & a scary sense of emptiness.

🥸 High-achieving
This characteristic builds on perfectionism & wanting to feel in control. Fixing things at home then extends to school, & eventually to work & career. The rebel kid make a point of not doing well, even though they’re smart & creative too, but have decided “Why bother”.
“Book-smart” types do well in school, going as high academically as possible. They’re quietly trying to be totally prepared for all inevitable negative outcomes, or fulfill some demand & expectation of a parent so they’ll be recognized as ‘good enough’.

To cope with the lack of love & acceptance from family, they develop incredibly high standards & expectations of themself, & external rewards may soothe the anxiety – a little. But like any addiction, the satisfactions is never enough.  Over-doing has to be maintained at a fever pitch, until burnout stops the treadmill.

NEXT : ACoA UNDER-Doers