PREVIOUS  : Recovery from N Abuse

QUOTE :
“Giving up the addiction is more than just giving up on the narc. 
It’s giving up on the hopes & dreams they promised, but never fulfilled.”

Alka Shingwekar, feminist, MBA in Finance, California State U, East Bay, 45 yrs experience; 2 yrs research Behavioral Psychology  10/5/2018

This set of recovery tips & stages was in answer to the Q:
How do you manage emotional triggers after narcissistic abuse?

QUOTEs: “Trying to explain (to a ‘civilian’) the secret living hell you were put through by an abusive narcissist is like trying to explain color to a blind person.”

“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, & accept an apology that never came!”

QUOTEs: “It’s okay that you don’t know how to move on. Start with something easier = like not going back!”

“Hard truth : you cannot change things by loving them harder.”

QUOTEs: “I release attachment to all negative things from the past year. I prepare for & welcome new changes, new lessons & new adventures. I welcome new opportunities to grow emotionally, mentally & spiritually.”

‘You have the right to receive the love you keep trying to give everyone else.”

QUOTEs: “Subconsciously – it takes at least 6-8 months process forgiveness toward someone who has hurt you emotionally”

“Hang on – it gets easier. Then it gets okay. Then it becomes freedom”

NEXT : Narcissist

PREVIOUS : Re-traumatization

SITE : “How to Deal With a Narcissist, Backed by Research”

🔆 Online Course
– Understand & Recover from Difficult Relationships

⬅️ Stand up against all abuse!

😸 Their strong need for power often drives narcissists (Ns) to develop new & creative ways of getting what they want.  This often leaves people around them feeling confused, diminished or devalued.  You may have asked yourself: “Do I have ‘doormat’ written on my forehead? , Why can’t I just speak up and tell him . . . What’s my problem?  Am I a masochist?”

When a N pushes your “hot button” – & they know all of them only too well – try to pause & take a deep breath.  This will interrupt your automatic “defense mode” reaction, to give you a moment to get in charge of your emotions.

👮🏽 Review all responses, & pick 1 or 2 that seem to fit your current issues. Memorize each one that you like by repeat it 10-20 every day for a week – or a moth if circumstances permit.  Then the next time you’re confronted by a N, the words will fall out of your moth without having to think about it. Even if you’re scared, it will be empowering to finally have a voice.

THINK realistic, empowering thoughts like:
“Even though I feel bad right this minute, this situation is not all my fault.  I can respond from my adult voice rather than the WIC (wounded inner child).  I deserve to speak up, even though I can never be perfect.”

“I feel very defensive right now, but I know I’m safe. I can take a moment to calm the fear.  Then I can  answer clearly & firmly.”

“(S)he seems like (s)he is feeling pretty threatened & defensive right now too.  Maybe it would help to revisit this issue after we’ve both had a break.”

What hurts a narcissist?

Silence . Silence.  Truth.

👏🏼 Each healing journey is different, as are the specific details of abuse. However, one sure indicator you’re well on the way is when you have a random thought about or meeting with the abuser, or another person’s gushing approval of them  – & it no longer triggers a strong, painful emotional response in you. YaY!

2 reminders about shutting down narcissists:

⁍NO amount of trying to get a N to change who they are at their core – will ever create long-term change.

⁍It’s best to try to steer clear of these people – for your own sanity’s sake!

NEXT : Recovery STAGES

PREVIOUS: After-effects #3

SITE : “Supporting Survivors of Trauma: How to Avoid Re-traumatization”

💔 AFTER-EFFECTS (cont)

Re-Traumatization
This is when someone with PTSD is exposed to actual people, places, events, situations or environments similar to the original harmful ones. Such people tend to develop a range of avoidance strategies to protect themselves from possible reminders of their past trauma, & those who’ve been re-traumatized will often double down on this strategy.

But it should not be confused with re-victimization, when PTSD sufferers are currently abused or injured in the same way as in the past.

Re-traumatizing events replicate important elements of the original trauma (with feelings of loss of power, control or personal safety) without experiencing the actual events themselves. These may include exposure to violence or abuse that does not harm the PTSD sufferer, but still brings up vivid memories of past experiences, as well as compassion & empathy for the other victims.

EXPs: Traumatic or stressful events seen in movies, TV shows, news reports, online….can be triggers if there’s enough similarity to the person’s previous trauma. (Child / domestic abuse, natural disaster, war images, drunken fights, political wrangling, riots, school killings…..)

The PTSD person may not be assaulted, abused, or injured in any of these situations, but just being exposed to the possibility of harm may be enough to bring back unpleasant memories in a disturbingly intense form.

Also, dysfunctional but not abusive relationships, with abandonment or conflicts can set off PTSD symptoms.  Good relationships that end in tragedy (death or disappearance of a loved one) are also potential triggers, if the original trauma involved a similar loss.

🖤Symptoms will be similar to ones in Part 2

AFTER re-traumatization, PTSD sufferers will go through a period of heightened sensibility & renewed vulnerability to traumatic memories. This means increased anxiety & physical stress, which set off or worsen various medical conditions.
These ailments are associated with PTSD in general, so episodes of re-traumatization can increase occurrences, including :
⁍Arthritis, Chronic body pain, Headaches
⁍Cardiovascular disease
⁍Diabetes, Respiratory disorders
⁍Digestive disorders
⁍Insomnia, restless sleep, nightmares, fatigue

RESEARCH
☔︎ Eating disorders. One study of women seeking treatment for eating disorders found that 52% showed symptoms consistent with PTSD 

☔︎ Major depression. Research reveals that about half of all people with a PTSD diagnosis will also experience the symptoms of major depression.

☔︎ Other anxiety disorders. Up to 80% of PTSD sufferers will have co-occurring mental health conditions & other anxiety disorders like : Generalized anxiety, Social anxiety, panic & specific phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder

☔︎ Substance-use disorders. In one comprehensive study, nearly half (46.7%) of PTSD sufferers also met the criteria for a substance-use disorder

GOOD NEWS : Re-traumatization does not have to sabotage recovery. People with PTSD know that, even as treatment progresses, triggering events can take them back to difficult times & force them to relive harsh, painful memories.
The techniques they’ve learned – to manage their symptoms – can still be effective, & the perspective they’ve gained won’t be forgotten.

Treatment for PTSD isn’t a quick fix or a straight route. It’s important to stay focused on the future, with hope & positive beliefs. This applies to re-traumatization experiences as well. Although recovery is a long-term process, everyone’s pace is different.
Helpful tips include:
‣ becoming more physically active
‣ eating a balanced diet, getting adequate rest
‣getting help from family members, friends, or a health professional
‣ reaching out socially, such as to friends or coworkers, volunteering

Successful recovery requires time, commitment, patience, & self-acceptance. If these qualities & tools are available & consistently applied, then the effects of re-traumatization only need be a temporary setback – painful, but temporary.

NEXT : After-effects

PREVIOUS: After-effects #2

LINKS re. Child abuse & Neglect 

When we’re continually scared, angry, threatened, attacked…. naturally our body wants to ‘run from danger’. To provide it with enough strength to flee (even though we rarely can), the brain will keep signaling the gut to tone down its normal immune response in order to suck up all it’s energy for survival. But this diverts its protection from other needed functions – leading to illness.

This was tested on lab mice. Several were placed in a cage with a bigger bully mouse, who intimidated & pushed them around for awhile, before technicians withdrew it.
After a few days of repeating this, the ‘normal’ mice become depressed & agitated – called “social defeat stress”. Their gut bacteria had changed, causing chronic systemic inflammation, making them miserable.

INTERESTING Study
Bully mice can cause Autism-like reactions in smaller males (non-genetic)

FROM: “Don’t Let Ns ruin your Health“

NEXT: After-effects #4

PREVIOUS : After-effects (#2)

SITE: ” In Sickness & in Health?  Not if Your Partner is a Narcissist !”

REVIEW:
Driving a victim to madness, suicide or death from disease delivers a grand rush to the narcissist’s ego. Death or insanity provides a lifetime supply of ready-made psychological hooks to use on the next partner. Ns milk their ‘misfortune’ for all it’s worth.
And while the victim’s destruction may take on various forms, the end result for the abuser is always the same – as ever, they emerge unscathed, quickly working to reinvent themselves.

▼ Prolonged emotional, physical, even perceived stress – all have exactly the same physical impact on the body.  Consequences of chronic stress include vulnerability to disease, slow rate of injury healing, loss of libido, sleeplessness, digestive problems, depression….

A: “For sure. You are under constant stress which will have negative physical effects if it goes on for a long time. You know something’s wrong, but that’s absolutely ignored or denied, which is confusing.
Your hair, nails & skin will show it. You’ll get fat or too thin. Since you’re not in control of the money, you’ll struggle to conceal the problems with treatments & fancy clothes…..”
Recommended book: “Prepare to be Tortured  – The price you will pay for dating a narcissist”∼ AB Jamieson

Quora Q:  Why do you get physically sick after being with a narcissistic person?

FROM:  Veronica Welles  (October 29, 2017)

A : “Yes. MRI studies have shown that when we feel emotional pain, the same regions of the brain get activated as when we feel physical pain……We get sick because we hurt so much invisibly after dealing with a narc, but nobody can see it. Before the MRI studies there was no way to even prove it, so nobody would believe us. But now we know it is just as bad as physical injury.

The N is invisibly boiling our insides through antagonism. Our bodies were never built to withstand a constant barrage of hostility indefinitely, so it will eventually break our bodies, starting with the immune system, followed by the rest….. Permanently high inflammation markers is a symptom shared with cancer, a signal the body gives when constantly dealing with injury.

EXP: Research has shown that children from abusive homes have prematurely shortened telomeres. Even their DNA was damaged.

Do not trivialize narcissistic abuse – it’s a killer. Work to be authentic, slowly training yourself to reject Ns wherever, whenever – even in the midst of an audience, even if means violating social norms.”

NEXT: After-effects #3b

PREVIOUS: After-effects, #1

SITE : “After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love“(FaceBook page)

REMINDER: Symptoms apply to either gender, those who have finally been able to get away from a NPD parent, mate, boss, cult leader….

These painful symptoms are definitely a major legacy from our alcoholic, narcissistic family. We then find & stay in various N relationships which mimic what we grew up with, they re-traumatize us. This list has echoes of the ACoA Laundry List.
💠
🍂Avoidance – of places, sounds, tastes, & songs that remind you of your abuser, or the abuse. Intense feelings of anxiety surface even the idea of having to remember

🍂Awareness of Symptoms – It’s very scary to realize you’re different from the person you were before the N twisted your world.  PTSD has replaced the presence of the abuser, a constant emotionally draining reminder of the person you’ve escaped

🍂Confusion = Ns purposely cause extreme confusion & anxiety, knowing that a divided mind is their prisoner, who won’t be able to identify that their confusion is deliberate. Years of gaslightinghas blurred – even erased – reality & the border between yourself & others

🍂Dissociation = Years of ugly power & control tactics constantly used against cause you to ‘dissociate’. It’s a unconscious detachment from emotions, & a lack of awareness of the body & surroundings, as an automatic coping mechanism (See symptoms in 2 charts)

🍂Doubting Yourself = You can often seem uncertain, mistrusting your opinions & feelings, constantly looking for clarification that you haven’t made a mistake or misheard something

🍂Disturbing Thoughts & Guilt – You may obsessively picture terrible things happening to the N, such as accident, — illness, even death. However, its can leave you with deep guilt & self-hate, adding to your damage

🍂Feeling ‘Crazy’ =  Ns constantly project their psychological disorder onto those around them. The degree to which you’ve been exposed to this poison is the degree to which you’ll think you’re crazy. But it’s not you!

🍂Fight or Flight Response – Your system was on constant high alert for very real danger in your environment. You’ve become so used to   Adrenalin agitation that it’s easy to be startled, reacting sensitively to sudden movements & sounds

🍂Lack of Joy & Hope – Being treated with so much cruelty (no matter how subtle)u had to shut does emotionally. Now you’re afraid you’ll never being able to love or trust anyone again.

🍂Memory Loss – Almost all survivors report trouble with their memory – regardless of age.  It’s partly from automatically needing to avoid feeling the pain of it all, as well as from the damage to the hippocampus (in Part 3)

🍂Need for Solitude  – You’re exhausted after narcissistic abuse, so wanting to withdraw & isolate is understandable. You just want to be in your own head for a while to find our own answers & reconnect with True Self

🍂Physical Numbness – (toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is lack of emotional numbness experienced in the body

🍂Self-harm – Without the distraction of daily trauma, you may find yourself overwhelmed by accumulated feelings of shame, self-hate, rage & terror. OR end up in another, sometimes worse, situation. Your reaction may be to cut yourself, bang your head against a wall, hit yourself in the face…. in an attempt to relieve the emotional tsunami, or as a self-punishment

🍂Sleeplessness – Many survivors are afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares & night terrors, experienced for along time after ‘freedom’. form the N. It’s exhausting, overwhelming & can feel very lonely. Napping then becomes a new favorite passion, along with taking Melatonin.

🍂Suicidal Thoughts – While you may never act on it, many survivors use ‘creative’ scenarios of how they could kill themselves, as a mental stress reliever. It’s a back-door option -“If it gets too much for me, I’ll just check out”. HOWEVER – there are many better ways to cope with mental & emotional pain. (See Topics list on this blog)

💠 ALL these symptoms can slowly be reversed or minimized! with perseverance & the right kind of help. You were a Victim. NOW you’re a SURVIVOR. With healing you can be a WINNER.

NEXT : After-effects, #3

PREVIOUS : Signs of Abuse #3

SITE : “What are the effects of emotional abuse?”

AFTER-SHOCKS
Persistent exposure to emotional / psychological / physical trauma cause  PTSD & C-PTSD. Long-term narcissistic abuse has many traumatic consequences, including one that may be the underpinning of all the other obvious symptoms, but is rarely considered.

It’s the devastating impact abuse has on the brain – especially to 3 key areas : ▼ shrinking of the hippocampus, & ▲ swelling of the amygdala, & ◘ limiting the use of the prefrontal cortex.

1. The hippocampus holds short-term memories that get converted into long-term storage. New neurons formed there extend themselves to make connections to many others areas. Everything we do, read & learn & understand – rest on it functioning properly.

► Hippocampal cells are especially vulnerable to ongoing emotional distress, damaged by the body releases of the stress hormone Cortisol. With constant exposure to abuse, this brain structure gradually diminishes in size.
As a result, N victims end up finding it hard to absorb new info, & easily forget things they used to know (not related to age).

2. The amygdala – the general emotion-centre of the brain, gets activated every time we’re frightened or agitated.  It stores all the memories of abuse, which are triggered every time experiences are remembered, or when someone else talks about them.  It forces your attention to painful emotions like envy, guilt, fear, shame…..

While it reduces the hippocampus, Cortisol stimulates the amygdala, so that traumatic stress increases its size, which manifests as mood disorders, decreased mental sharpness & restricting our ability to take in new information.

3. The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is located right behind the eyes. This region controls attention, decision-making, memory, & planning. It too is shown to shrink with trauma. The neural highway for unhappiness runs from the amygdala to the right side of the PFC.

As this circuitry activates, thoughts fixate on the distress. Extremes of anxiety anger & sadness push brain activity beyond its effectiveness. Some results : N victims find it hard to make decisions, have a shorter attention span, generate fewer new thoughts, are continually depressed &/or agitated & tend to lack self-care.

PTSD (called RE-LIVING) – the cerebral anxiety attack that makes your whole body react with old terror.  It’s the heart palpitations, intrusive thoughts & spinning emotions – as if the traumatic event is happening right now! along with painful emotions, it’s the physical reactions like shrinking, wincing, looking over your shoulder, walking on eggshells while waiting to be attacked….

1. You’ll need to cry – a lot. The more the tears flow the lighter the load pressing on your forehead, chest & shoulders
2. You’re going to be slightly paranoid – feeling the need to watch your  back everywhere you go, no matter what state you’re in.
3. The depression is real. It feels like your heart is being ripped into pieces, while the rest of your body doesn’t want to move – ever again!
4. You’ll  blame yourself – taking on all the verbal, emotional attacks that came FROM the N, but are not you.
💖 Remember that ‘C.R.A.P’ is no longer applicable = “I can’t speak up or I’ll be Criticized, Rejected, Abandoned, & Punished .”
(Reiew: “What N’s need you to be“)

Insecure Attachment
The longer someone was exposed to trauma, the more distorted & fearful their world view became. Because N abuse is so de-stabilizing, it impacts the way we connect & attach to others. This will have a serious effect on how we experience ourselves, approach our lives & react to others

Insecure attachment happens when we repeatedly learn that it’s not safe to love or confide in someone we depend on (parent, mate, boss….). So we end up with intense anxiety about connecting with anyone, or avoid attachment altogether, which severely restricts our world, & makes most relationships difficult.

Narcissistic abuse is slow, subtle & insidious, undermining our sense of self & stability, making it extremely hard to establish healthy connections. Breaking free of PTSD symptoms is a long, tough process, but accepting the impact it has on us is a starting point.   (See both versions of the Laundry List)

NEXT : After-effects, #2

PREVIOUS : Signs of Ongoing abuse #3

SITE: “10 Unhelpful Responses Christians Give Victims …. “

❗️“4 Reasons Churches Attract Narcissists

Most people who experience N-Abuse are hampered by a :
⁍lack of info about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)
⁍pre-existing low self-esteem (childhood wounds)
⁍brain-washing by the N, AND
⁍bad ‘helpful’ info from others.
This deadly combination understandably leaves many survivors full of pain, confusion & questions. Below is a standard sample list of such Qs, divided into topics for ease of reading. You’re not the only one wondering.

↘️ QUESTION LIST from Bonnie Ronstrom, life coach, victim’s advocate, and pastoral counselor at Willow Life retreat in Virginia.

Trying to break free from a narcissistic relationship?
People who stay with N are sometimes described as addicts. In fact it is a physical addiction from brain chemistry created by the anticipation of ‘love’ combined with being traumatic bonded to the N.

When a relationship is unfulfilling, you can be left with a constant state of emptiness, which is temporarily relieved by each positive encounter with the N, flooding your system with oxytocin, dopamine & endorphins, called ‘love’ chemicals.

However, other chemicals released when trying to detach from a toxic bond do not feel good, such as cortisol, the stress hormone. So the intense discomfort may suck you back in. To overcome this, it works best to stay away from the N entirely (no-contact). But this can be tough to do.

Even if you’re somewhat relieved at first, you’re feel antsy, depressed, tired…. for a while, experiencing withdrawal & grief.
Turning to Recovery Programs (Al-Anon, CODA, ACA), a skilled therapist, safe friends & other support systems, as well as practicing self-care, will help you work through a difficult breakup. And over time you will heal. (More Qs & As)

NEXT : After-Effects of Abuse (Part 1)

PREVIOUS : Signs of Ongoing Abuse #3

SITE: “My Grandma the Poisoner.

Can NARCISSISTIC ABUSE KILL You? 
Yes, definitely, both directly & indirectly. A psychopathic & sadistic homicidal Narcissist may also be homicidal, adding to their play bill. And some Ns suffer from Munchausen-by-proxy syndrome (MBP) .
A MBP mother will fabricate symptoms, making her child sick to get ‘supply’. She enjoys repeatedly being in medical environments where she gets sympathy & praise for being devoted to her sick child (proxy = in place of being sick themself).

Often these women are well-read experts on their child’s fake ailments, &   allows them to know exactly what to use to do damage. So they also get a fix from conning smart doctors. For others, the distress they create can be a cash cow for the parent, but turn deadly for the child. EXP: The go-fund-drive online where parents ask for donations for their “sick” child.

a. Accident? Doctors familiar with this disorder say this type of child abuse has the highest mortality rate, but consider most deaths as accidental, since the usual goal of the parent is to get strokes for being caring, not killing.
EXP: One published case of a mother who put too much salt in her sons feeding tube, killing him. She said her intention was just to make him sick.

However, believing such deaths are ‘accidental’ overlooks the reality of the tremendous benefit of N-supply in the form of gifts & emotional support… this mother receives from her community, when her child dies. 

b. Murder. Narcissists love a funeral. Calling such behavior ‘accidental’ also ignores the N’s ability to carry out premeditated killing. EXP: Some use bed-ridden elders as proxies, starving them to death.

c. Suicide. Ns have also been known to murder indirectly, by setting someone up to kill themself. This brings N-supply in the form of absolute power & control over another person, manipulating their victim to give up the most precious thing they have – their life. 

d. Revenge. This set-up can also be the N’s retaliation for some injury to their ego. The victim’s suicide creates guilt & blame in the N’s primary target, such as a grieving father or husband. Then the Narc will use that person’s self-hate to control them.

☠️ When given a chance to escape any type of Narc, don’t walk – RUN.

FROM: L.C.Torres, former Court-Appointed Special Advocate at Child Abuse Prevention Council, San Joaquin County (2014-2015).  Updated April 29, 2020 · Upvoted by Gia Jones, Lived with & loved a malignant narcissist.
🙀       🙀       🙀
Munchausen syndrome by proxy (MSP) is a psychological disorder whereby a pathological narc gets their supply of attention & ‘special status’ by using children, vulnerable adults, even pets – as proxies. Such people set themselves up as someone’s caretaker, then persistently harm the dependent, to either keep making them sick, or actually kill them.

MSP is a relatively rare psychological disorder. It usually affects a primary caretaker – the mother. But they can also be health-care professionals (nurse, attendant, & rarely a doctor) who cause severe illness in patients not terminal, & then swoop in to rescue, as the hero / angel.

The MSP mother appears to be very loving, sensitive & extremely distraught over their child’s illness, but denies knowing what caused it.
She’s admired for being an exceptionally attentive parent, while exaggerating or making up symptoms, altering tests, falsifying medical records….
OR doing direct damage by such actions as poisoning, suffocating, starving & causing infections.

In her ‘care’, the child keeps on worsening by being subjected to physical abuse &/or medical neglect, usually reported by the parent but not witnessed by hospital staff.
Abuse HINT : The child’s condition improves in the hospital, but symptoms return when returned home.   (More…). Also (Wikipedia ….includes statistics)

😹 A related illness is Munchausen syndrome, where a person continually acts as if they themselves have a physical or mental illness, which they do not – to make people feel sorry for them.
EXP: The case of the young woman falsely claiming she had cancer, even to the point of shaving off all her hair, then begging for & receiving donations to pay for chemo treatments.

NEXT: 60 Common Qs from Survivors

PREVIOUS :
SIGNS of Ongoing N Abuse – #2 

SITE : “Can a Narcissist Love?“

LOVE vs. NARCISSISTIC Love – The “EMPATHY” Connection (Joyce M Short)

Empathic people are capable of unconditional love & forgiveness. Their dear one can have a bad day, be seriously ill, put on some pounds or lose their hair. Unconditional love is part of your core, & compels you toward the beloved (parent, mate, child….), regardless of how that person looks or behaves. Your sense of attachment to them is deeply rooted.

People with empathy have emotional reactions to the pain of others & a conscience that keeps them from committing harm.
If they encounter another person who has a specific vulnerability, been harmed by a prior relationship, lost a loved one, or overcame other hardships – their sensitive heart goes out to them. BUT if the empath is   psychologically healthy, they don’t lose themselves in the effort to connect & help. ➡️

NPDs are NOT able to love THIS way 
Unfortunately empathetic people are also drawn to others who seem ‘sensitive’ – such as Ns using ‘neediness’ to hook supply.
Narcissist “love” is emotionally & spiritually shallow because it’s selfishly motivated. It can confuse the unwary, since they pour on affection at the beginning of a new relationship.

To the recipient, it seems that their caring is boundless & deep. But this type of attachment is similar to how the N loves their money, house, car…. In fact, their money & car could be more valuable to them than you will ever be, which are visible signs of power & control.

Ns do stay in long-term relationships (with victims) BUT can’t bond with ‘full-bodied’ love.
Do not mistake N “sensitivity” – which is only about their own personal needs – with being “empathetic” toward others. In fact, being “over-sensitive” could indicate Borderline Personality Disorder.
=  =  =  =

😹 SIGNs of VERBAL abuse are often FELT, but not seen by others
Abusers are very conscious of what they’re doing to you. If it weren’t deliberate, they’d feel bad & correct inappropriate & cruel words & actions. Especially after you point them out.
Healthy people don’t want to hurt others. Hurting others is how abusers survive.

❤︎ WOMAN in long-term relationship with verbally abusive man
YOU:
‣ feel uneasy or anxious much of the time, jumping at every tiny sound, or your heart pounds for no obvious reason

‣ think you must be crazy & need professional help to overcome your ‘issues’.
Your internal voices are often overpowering – critical, very mean, repeating abusive things he’s said so many times

‣ don’t trust your ability to make sound decisions for yourself or the family. So you go along with your abuser’s poor decisions without much resistance
YOU:
‣ don’t get excited about much of anything. And if you did look forward to an upcoming positive event, the pleasure wouldn’t last long, from wondering how you’re going to tell your abuser about it – to get the best possible reaction from him

‣ are paraded around like an “Oscar” trophy when attending group functions for the N’s work or activities. You’re afraid to say much while there, for fear of payback abuse later, for saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing

‣ keep telling yourself it’ll be better when he retires, the children are grown, he gets that promotion, he finishes that project, after lunch….. constantly waiting for the ‘good times’
‣ believe that one day your abuser will realize how good a mate you’ve been & be sorry, doing a complete 180 to finally admire & respect you.

🌧 These last 2 are especially hard to shake because of the pleasant breaks between attacks, when he stops being abusive just long enough to lull you into thinking “It’s different this time” (intermittent reinforcement).

NEXT : After-effects of N Abuse #1