PREVIOUS :  CHILDHOOD Causes (#1)

POSTs : Review the 2 LAUNDRY LISTs (soft & hard)

OVER-DOERS / over-functioning (O-D)
😨 Hypervigilant
Over-doing children develop a hyper alert nervous systems from constantly scanning their social environment for danger.  With an increased sense of awareness & alertness, it becomes almost impossible to stay in the moment in their body, or to relax & rest.  As children & then later on, they’re either obsessing about the past, or projecting danger in the future, waiting for the next crisis.

🙀 Anxious
Given the many painful experiences that Over-doing kids go thru, it’s no wonder that chronic anxiety is common. Forever scanning for anything that can & will go wrong, they’re worried about what they can do to feel safer.  That leads to constantly being in fight-or-flight mode, elevating stress hormones like adrenaline, which ends up severely depleted, with many side effects, including a weakened immune system.

🫂 Blurred boundaries
In dysfunctional families, any form of healthy boundaries is practically unknown. They violate each others’ space, privacy & rights.  Parents expect & demand the child take on the roles of adult caretaker, lawyer, nurse, shrink…. but only for themselves.

Spending much of their upbringing focused on other people’s needs, children don’t get to figuring out what they actually want, need or even feel. They never know where the PMES lines are, when others end & where they start.
IMP : to form & maintain appropriate Bs, one must first know what one’s needs are, neither of which Over-doing children are allowed. (ACoAs & Bs)

😜 Need to feel ‘in control’
Being in constant turmoil the child in a dysfunctional home becomes hyper-responsible as the only way to keep everything functional & hopefully to gain approval. Hyper-vigilance conditions the nervous system to assume ‘inevitable’ danger, physical & emotional.

That becomes the need to be controlling – taking over, managing people or situations (PPT) by anticipating others’ needs & trying to provide them as best as the child can.  Control is an attempt to ‘fix’ problems, as well as handle both day-to-day details & larger tasks – even trying to manage things out of the child’s control. The effort can feel physically calming – temporarily – so becomes compulsive.

🤐 Emotional Suppression
Children consumed by Over-Doing don’t have the space to be quiet & calm inside, to find out what they’re feeling emotionally, even physically. Some may be obviously angry, but most drown in terror (unidentified anxiety).  Any form of pain has to be ignored & suppressed.

Children learn their emotions are never to be acknowledged – it’s just a huge annoyance.  But while never admitted, dysfunctional parents ‘bleed’ their emotions all over the place – anger, depression, worry, neediness.…   For the children, the message is “Do, do, do, but do NOT feel.”

😇 Over-Responsibility
Children become Over-doers because to survive they’re compelled to make up for the lack of parenting skills in the damaged adults round them. It’s made clear that any problem – big or small –  is somehow the children’s fault & their responsibility to fix. With limited knowledge & little or no support, they try to do the impossible.

They realized early on that ‘everything’ depends on being able to figure out how to stay alive, manage the chaos & neglect, & compensate for being unacceptable to their family.  So they use every ounce of determination & creativity to be ‘little’ adults, carrying on their thin shoulders all the burdens that should rightly be on the caregivers.

👣 Codependent
This is one of several defense mechanisms developed in unhealthy families, where there’s usually one adult who is intensely narcissistic & hard, & if there is another – are likely the softer co-dependent one, perhaps who is withdrawn, with low self-esteem. In this case, children will copy one or the other, not having the right to form their own identity . This leaves them very vulnerable, & one way to compensate is by Over-doing, trying to stave off loneliness, anxiety & a scary sense of emptiness.

🥸 High-achieving
This characteristic builds on perfectionism & wanting to feel in control. Fixing things at home then extends to school, & eventually to work & career. The rebel kid make a point of not doing well, even though they’re smart & creative too, but have decided “Why bother”.
“Book-smart” types do well in school, going as high academically as possible. They’re quietly trying to be totally prepared for all inevitable negative outcomes, or fulfill some demand & expectation of a parent so they’ll be recognized as ‘good enough’.

To cope with the lack of love & acceptance from family, they develop incredibly high standards & expectations of themself, & external rewards may soothe the anxiety – a little. But like any addiction, the satisfactions is never enough.  Over-doing has to be maintained at a fever pitch, until burnout stops the treadmill.

NEXT : ACoA UNDER-Doers

PREVIOUS :

POST : Toxic Family RULES  // HERO family ROLE

DEF: Over-doing (o-functioning) is when someone takes on emotional &/or practical responsibilities in life areas which are way beyond what is appropriate or expected for a particular role (parent) or developmental level (child), especially to the point of causing negative physical or psychological consequences into adulthood.

Over-doing can act like a dog whistle to under-doers, narcissistic, & other exploitative types. It’s a power-play. Damaging parents just assume children are to be used to their own advantage, They benefit from the child’s built-in deference & attachment to them.  These Kids are prematurely pressed into taking on adult responsibilities to meet the emotional needs & lacks of their parents & siblings.
So, many become domestic slaves, doing everything the adults can’t or don’t want to. The Over-giving child feels impelled by desperation & panic, not just expressing themself or being empathic ….

IRONY : Emotionally immature parents rely too heavily on their children yet also resent them. They’re ‘fed’ by the power dynamic BUT feel the child’s needs as a source of irritation & inconvenience . The child is experienced as a competitor for resources & attention, rather than as an innocent being  legitimately entitled to their love & support. (Role reversal ↗️ )
💥 This puts them in no-win double bind: the child must suppress their humanity to preserve attachment needed for survival.

EARLY LIFE ‘ACEs’ : Adverse Childhood Experiences
❤️ In healthy families, parents carry the emotional & practical responsibility for the household. Kids get to be kids — free to play, make mistakes, & be cared for.

🩶 BUT : Over-functioning (O=F ) in children comes with an underlying agenda, & is a learned behavior . It’s about adult-child imbalances, inappropriate expectations & excessive demands.

🖤 Years of early trauma** can lead children to become Over-doers as a way to manage the anxiety of not feeling accepted & loved. They try anything & everything to stay connected to a parent, no matter how abusive, hoping to get their approval – even permission to exist!  The terror is that if they don’t take care of the adult(s) – they’ll be thrown away as useless. I
It’s one of many forms of abandonment. To a small child this feels like life & death – & may be. 

** NOTE – Trauma is experienced in every PMES area, some more severe & long lasting than others
√ Abuse – all the painful things done to you or to someone near you
√ Neglect – all the good, helpful, wonderful things you did not get

NEXT : Childhood effects on Over-Doing (#2)

PREVIOUS : Grief ADVICE

SITE : Tortoise & Hare Story – 7 Powerful Lessons

This topic is all about TIME. ACoAs come in 2 flavors, either —
√ wasting ‘free time’ not knowing how to self- motivate when no-one or nothing from the outside is pressing them to act (fear of Empty Time)
OR
√ filling in very second of the day with activity with no free time – ever, reacting to external pressures, real or imagined. (see Toxic Rules)

The Illusion of Faster
Slowing down may be the hardest but most urgent skill we can develop since the world is operating at warp speeds, so the challenge of keeping up can be overwhelming. There’s too much to be done, & all done yesterday.
The days are too short, the nights barely exist. Alerts, messages, deadlines, decisions. Screens blinking. Phones pinging. The only way to keep up is to run faster – and even if you do, you still fall behind.

However- If we want to build organizations, relationships & personal lives that are meaningful & resilient, we must reject the myth that faster is better.

The Myth of Multi-tasking
When we have a lot to do & not enough time, a natural response is to multitask. We quickly reply to emails while we’re preparing a presentation. Shoot off a message on WhatsApp while juggling a Zoom call. Listen to a podcast while skimming an article we need to read for a meeting later in the day…. It seems like we’re getting a lot done.

But we’re mistaken. Research consistently tells us that multitasking significantly reduces our efficiency. For example, a 2011 study found that people “who are forced to multitask perform significantly worse than those forced to work sequentially.”

EXCEPTION 1. These examples are all activities that require mental attention at the same time – therefore the warning is correct.
However, limited multi-tasking is possible if one action is physical while the other mental – neither being too strenuous or emotionally tasking.
EXPs : Being on an exercise bike & watching a movie //  walking, ironing, knitting, cooking … while talking on the phone

EXCEPTION 2. to the rule : women’s brains are provided with the ability to multi-task for motherhood!

Slowing Down to Speed Up
When we try to do too much all at once, or try to do too much too quickly, we don’t do anything well. And, curiously, we do it more slowly, too. We need what we might call the practice of “slow attention” – the practice of focusing fully on one task, one moment, one breath at a time. It’s the practice of being fully present for what we do.

When faced with overwhelming demands, with multiple competing claims on our energy & attention (alerts & pings…), the most efficient way of responding is to slow down. Instead of trying to do 10 things at once, it’s best to do one thing at a time, sequentially.

In the movie TOP GUN, Maverick – an elite Navy fighter pilot – says: “I feel the need. The need … for speed!”. However- there’s another actual famous saying attributed to the Navy SEALS : “Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”

Reclaiming Our Life
Beside managing our practical life better – what’s even more important is our humanity. Instead of being present to our feelings & experience, we drown in a sea of distractions & deadlines. When racing through life, we lose more than IQ points. We lose the connection to ourself,  just reacting rather than living intentionally, letting everything external dictate our agenda rather than choosing how we want to spend the very limited time we have.

To be truly present we need to slow down, not just performing like a puppet. If we stay in our body, with our current emotions & thoughts (PMES) it transforms how we relate to ourself & others. It allows deeper listening, authentic engagement & greater empathy so we’re able to genuinely connect.
For ACoAs – one huge benefit is that living this way helps us FEEL SAFER in the world! which is the WIC‘s deepest desire & need.

AND it’s a skill we can develop, one choice at a time.
SUGGESTIONS :
1. Counter procrastination by rejecting perfectionism. (Attend Al-anon regularly).
2. Limit Digital Noise – mute non-essential notifications & schedule screen-free time. Protect sacred spaces in your environment for in-person connection.
3. Anchor with recovery sayings from the Healthy Adult : I can handle what you Little One can’t & shouldn’t have to”.  Repeat  “I am enough just for today” or “Presence over pressure” during moments of stress. These aren’t just affirmations – they help signal safety to your brain.

4. Intentionally Single-Task . Choose one task & give it your full focus. Practice No multitasking. This reduces cognitive overload & increases fulfillment. You get to see positive results!

5. Pause with Purpose. Take 5 minutes a day to breathe deeply & scan your body. This helps move your nervous system out of fight-or-flight mode & into calm awareness.

6. Reflect Daily. Spend a few minutes journaling or simply asking: What mattered most today? (10th Step) This helps align actions with values.

NEXT :  ACoAs OVERDOING (1a)

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – 

SITE :

1. NEGATIVES

♦︎ “I see you’ve moved on to the _____  grief stage”
The reality of grieving is that we will go thru the many stages higglety-pigglety, never in a straight line.
The common distortion is that you’re supposed to be on the right track to closure.
So – if the bereaved person doesn’t react at all, or slips back & forth between the stages, even overlapping them – they’re not on that imagine path to the ‘correct’ way of healing. They’re considered to be doing grief wrong, & somehow resistant, weak or stubborn.
If you treat them that way – you cruelly add stress to the already overwhelming pain of their loss.

♦︎ “I haven’t seen you cry, so I didn’t think you were that upset”
How dumb – like you can read the griever’s heart! Unfortunately – in our culture many people judge how well others are doing only by outward appearances (EXP: If you’re successful & happy – you must have grown up in a healthy loving family! BUT Recovering people know there’s no correlation)
This ‘rule’ then gets applied to anyone experiencing a loss – if they’re acting fine, they must be fine. It’s another way for observers to reinforce the message to not feel emotions, & definitely not to show the ‘unpleasant’ ones.

♦︎ “If you ignore it, it will get better”
No it will not! Anyone who has ignored physical signals for a long time that something’s not right – is later shocked to find themself with a long-term debilitating immune-deficiency or terminal illness. Suppressing grief emotions also have severe physical effects.

♦︎ “Time is a great healer”
While there is truth in this, saying it to someone who’s feeling miserable is insensitive & unhelpful. Grieving is a process and yes, it does take time. But how long is individual to the person, & will be affected by who has died, & how they died.

♦︎ “You’ll get over it”
There are some losses one will never be able to get over – like the murder of your child….. & other events that will take many years to recover from – like your home burning down around you, where you lose everything, especially devastating is losing the things that can never be replaced….. At best you’ll have to “learn to live with it”.

♦︎ “You must be strong”
This advice is meant to sound encouraging (like a pep talk) but again – it actually means you should NOT have any of those ‘weak’ things called emotions (about this horrendous loss).
You wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself – in public – would you? Besides, if you fall apart – I’ll have to take care of you, which I can’t/ don’t want to. So be strong!

«
2. POSITIVES
Whether you’ve been bereaved yourself at some point, or are with someone who’s just lost their soul mate, child, sibling or friend, there are things you can do to be comforting.

Sometimes silence is good.  Don’t feel the need to fill every moment with sound.  Touch can say just as much as words, sometimes more.  Simple actions such as making a cup of herbal tea, leaving a bunch of flowers….  or harder ones, like going with them to the mortician, to identify the body or to the memorial service. …. can speak volumes. You can’t take the pain away, but you can share a little in the acceptance of being human.
««
NEXT : GRIEF –

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – & Children

POST :  “Resilience & Humor”
📌 Developing Resilience : Spiritual, #2

↗️ ARTWORK : Grief is a journey through emotions that can change from day to day, even moment to moment. These twists & turns feel unsettling, like being on a roller coaster.  Grief upends our life & makes us feel disoriented & directionless. Common are frequent setbacks & feeling lost.
But like being on a roller coaster, grief is manageable if we stop trying to control the experience, & surrender to the ride ⤵️ . With time, the right help & connecting to Higher Power, we eventually get to a better place.

1. For yourSELF – to start healing from a loss
√ Attend group therapy : A trained therapist as guide & your peers – who are all going through something similar – will understand as no one else can. An excellent option if you want more friend-like experiences or are nervous about one-to-one with a counselor.

√ Be patient & kind to yourself : Because grief is not linear, and there’s no timeline for how long the process takes, life events can trigger layers of distress, so accept with compassion how hard grief-healing-tasks are.

√ Get fresh air daily : Being outside in the sun (when possible), taking a 30-minute walk & moving around at home (instead of doom-scrolling) – resets sensory experiences that can help with circadian rhythms, that will clear & calm the mind.

√ Journaling : Put your thoughts on paper, as long as they’re honest, unsanitized & without self judgment. You don’t have to share them, or only with someone you fully trust.

√ Practice a hobby : Do things just for fun & not to get a specific end-product. The goal is to be therapeutic without DO-ing something practical. Playing, that gives you moments of happiness, strengthens resilience.

√ Practice self-care : Being prepared for whatever comes your way needs space to develop. Self-care shift the focus off all the other essentials in life – so you can just be you.

√ Visit with the deceased : Even if you don’t have access to a physical location where the deceased lived or where you spent time together, you can picture it & talk to them in your mind. It’s not crazy & can feel very grounding.

√ See a therapist: In place of -or- along side of ‘group’, find an experienced grief-specialist who fits your needs & personality so you don’t have to ‘reinvent the wheel’. Doing grief therapy as soon as possible could save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

💚 DAILY Actions
⭐︎ Prayer & reading a modern version of The Psalms are very healing & soothing (some for sleep or as Dramatized Audio)
⭐︎ Mindfulness can train you to focus on the present moment instead of reliving the past or dissociating about future threats
⭐︎ Crying is a healthy release , releasing feel-good hormones such as oxytocin & endorphins.
««
2. For OTHERS – to support a bereaved person
🔅Ask how you can help : Check in & remember not to feel pressured to ‘fix’ anything. Listening & being kind is enough.

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – Gender differences

SITE : Grief & Bereavement — scroll TO “How children and teenagers view death”

BOOK :“Grief Journal for Kids – guided prompts….“

Grief is universal. If a child can react to separation with fear & tears – temporary or permanent –  then they have the capacity to grieve. While there are some similarities to adult grief, there are also some distinctions, such as the child’s age & development, which will affect how they understand & respond to death.

Pre-schoolers/young children : Between ages 2-4, children usually think that death is temporary & reversible. They may ask, “When will mom come back?” even after you’ve told the child that “mom’s gone for ever “.  It is also very common for grieving children this age to seriously regress to an earlier developmental stage (toilet-training, language, &/or clinging behavior).

School-age: Between ages 5-8 children are tend more toward guilt & magical thinking. They may say : “It’s my fault this happened.” Or think of death as a person (the boogeyman), so their dreams & fears will reflect this.
Between 9-12 they start to understand that death is permanent, the way adults do, but may want more details about what happened.  They may ask : “What happened to Grandpa? And then what?” At this age children are more likely express grief physically, such as complain of headaches & stomachaches. They may also revert to more clinging behavior, &/or have outbursts of anger.

Adolescents: Teens between 13-18 tend to realize that death is  permanent & universal, so it can happen to anyone – like you & me.  After a death, teens may feel a need to connect with family, as well as to keep their independence, which can be confusing & may lead to friction in the family.
As part of these experiences they’ll start forming opinions about morality, the world, & their role in life, which may be the same or different from the family & the person who died.

Parents & Caregivers : Get help if the child….
⚙︎ …. never talks about the person who died, or they leave the room when the deceased’s name is mentioned
⚙︎ ….. ‘s aggression becomes destructive, especially if this is new or unusual behavior
⚙︎ …… develops persisting anxiety, any talk of suicide, &/or starts abusing substances.

One of the strongest predictors of how well a child will cope with a severe loss is how well their parent(s) is functioning after a death of their loved one.  ADULT : Ask & get support for yourself. Asking becomes a model for the children to copy, to show that it’s okay to reach out for help, one of the most important coping tools. See hospice resources. 
TIPS to help your child
☆ Accept their way of expressing their emotions, as well as setting appropriate boundaries for behavior
☆ Allow & encourage them to keep their rightful place in the family – still being a child
☆ Allow them to honor & remember the person who died. Memories are important & powerful. Don’t avoid them.

☆ Become a listener. ☆ Remind the child that it’s courageous to let themself grieve

☆ Children need outlets to release energy. Pay attention to how they behave when playing – understand that it’s one way to share their grief with the adults

☆ Communicate with the adults in the child’s life (teachers, coaches….) so they can be part of the support system

☆ Keep routines & structure in the child’s life as normal as possible. The rules for conduct should stay the same – but realistic

☆ Know you won’t have all the answers. Saying “I don’t know” OR “What do you think?” are honest & powerful responses.
Listening to their answer will help you know what information they need to feel comforted & safer

☆ Let the child choose whether they want to participate in the funeral & burial functions. If yes, prepare them by explaining what to expect & will see at the funeral. EXP : photos, the coffin, crying adults, reminiscing about the deceased….

☆ Understand that grief expressions can vary, even within a family.  One child may show a lot of emotion. Another may want to do something in memory of the person who died….

☆Give clear explanations, without euphemisms such as “lost, passed away, sleeping”….. Being direct means using the words:  dead, died, death & dying. It’s more honest.

NEXT : GRIEF – Helping to heal

PREVIOUS :  GRIEF — Extended Cycles (#2)

SITE: “AI Uncovers Hidden Differences between Male and Female Brain Structures”

☼  ” Dementia’s Gender Differences Revealed ”

BOOK : “Grieving Beyond Gender – Understanding Diverse Grieving Styles”

POSTs : ☼ Male vs Female Brain (1- 5)
☼ Money Madness & Gender Diff (1 & 2)

☼ re. BOUNDARIES (scroll)

When considering gender differences in grief expression, it’s important to note that not all men will automatically express the male model nor all women the female model – either gender can display characteristics of -or- act from of the opposite style.
Since there’s no right way to grieve, neither style is better.  What is noticeable is that people tend to grieve in a the way they deal with life in general – based on their personality, family & culture.

However you grieve – it will impact your needs, wants & expectations, so a deeper understanding can support your healing & acceptance. Either type will benefit from reaching out for help, rather than trying to work through grief alone. (LISTs from various sources)

Interestingly, research shows women tend to be more sympathetic toward grievers in general, but neither gender is more sympathetic toward grieving female than to grieving males.

MASCULINE type is characterized by suppressing feelings & refusing to express emotional distress. This in no way implies that men are without deep emotion – they are just as physically & psychologically capable. But without processing the grief, they reject a critical part of their personal history.
SITE : “How Men Grieve”

THEY are more likely:
▶︎ Controlled: to keep emotions tamped down, are less likely to cry, & try to ‘get rid of” the pain quickly.  They don’t want to look weak to others & vulnerability can be socially dangerous, so don’t use conversation to process their loss

▶︎ Practical : focus is on “fixing it”, relying on their own resources & problem solving, rather than turning to other people & resources

▶︎ Guilt – feel they should have been able to save a spouse or parent from an illness or trajedy, or protect their child from death.

Men try to cope – THEY :
☆ Activities : may try to re-connect with mate & other family by doing things together, or hanging out more with ‘the guys’

☆ Family needs : will take on more responsibility if there has been a child’s death, such as paying bills, planing the funeral, doing more household chores, staying home more…

☆ Isolating : tend to avoid anything too personal with others for fear of showing their pain, & may get angry if not left to grieve on their own. Also may spend longer hours at work to escape the sorrow in the family

☆ Projects & tasks : may distract themself or find release by exercising, doing physical labor, working in the yard, building something, & take on more jobs to increase family’s economic security

FEMININE ways are more about sharing feeling openly –  reaching out for support & talking through the grief. This processing helps women deal with grief more effectively – not with less pain but be able to cope better in the long run. Common reactions :
► Connecting = believe that talking helps the healing process –  rather than focusing on fixing it or problem solving. They share their emotions with friends & loved ones, & when possible with a counselor &/or support group – to feel their way through the grief, which also helps to deepen their perspective about the death & their life afterward.

► Isolated = may feel alone when other family members have trouble sharing their sadness, & become angry or resentful when others cannot join them in working through their grief.

Women cope BY :
☆ Telling their story : repeat the experience of loss over & over to help process their feelings, which can help them come to terms with the harsh reality, understand their emotions about it, and feel heard & supported.
This can include reaching out to their social networks or creating new ones, to find others who can understand their loss.

☆Remembrances : may focused on continually thinking about the loved one, create a shrine, have a memorial event to celebrate the loss, or set up a foundation to help others

☆ Reviewing : part of processing is to think back over their relationships. If they’re having trouble working through grief – even with help – it may be that they’re holding blame toward diseased parents, against themself for a bad relationship with their dead partner or spouse, or because of deeper feelings of disloyalty-guilt about trying to move on

☆ Writing :  may express grief through writing it out in daily journaling, especially in the early day & weeks. Also reading other people’s experiences, that helps reduce the feelings of isolation.
(The Memory of You, Mom – a guided journal)

NEXT : GRIEF – Children

PREVIOUS: Grief- Extended Cycle (#1)

POST : Accepting Emotions

Grief  Cycle (cont)
1 – Shock // 2. Denial // 3. Betrayal // 4, Sadness

5. Guilt and Shame – the ‘shoulds’ are a major part of grief. You’re weeks or months into the cycle, & may still blame yourself for what you could have done differently. You think : “I should have visited more. // I should have called them. I should have made more time….”
 Shame often follows guilt, shrinking your world : “What did I do wrong? I must deserve this.” You feel small, withdraw, stop socializing, avoid people because you feel unworthy of happiness. The tumble down to loneliness, guilt & isolation can be quite rough, almost making those lows look restful compared to what it took to get there.

Loneliness & isolation can breed depression. We can make matters worse for ourself if we intentionally shut out the rest of the world.
But time alone & loneliness are not the same. Solitude is needed to think things through, regroup, reflect & recharge.  Some isolation can also be a protection against having to put on a mask to act as if you’re doing better than you actually are.

💔 6. Identity Crisis – the lowest point. Loss has changed everything – birthdays, Christmases, routines…. It all feels sooo different. “Who am I without them?” For a while, you don’t have the energy to be concerned about the discrepancy between who you knew yourself to be & who this stranger in the mirror is now.

Disorganization – is part of the mental fog & lack of clarity during the depression of grief. You’re not sure what day of the week it is, whether you took a shower or ate lunch….
Panic can set in when this disconnect is noticed. “What if I never go back to who I was? ” Panic that things will always be this disjointed & hard to understand, and about what your future might hold. 

7. Understanding – the slow process of meaning-making:
“At least we had time together // At least they weren’t in pain. Maybe we’ll be together again one day.”

It’s easy to stay stuck at rock bottom, convinced there’s no way ahead, so the shift from Identity Crisis → Understanding is the hardest part of the cycle. Support from friends, family, or therapy is crucial here. This is where you start to accept the reality of the loss,  letting go of the relationship at a deep level.

At the same time – we believe we can bear a crisis more easily if there’s some purpose in suffering.  But we have to discover the **treasures hidden in it on our own, rather than having others point them out, or they’ll just be empty platitudes. (**prove your core strength, miracles in disastrous situations, good triumphing over evil, redemption,….)

8. Acceptance is not about forgetting or moving on. It’s the deeper realization that they are gone, and I am still here. You begin to adjust. Your sense of them moves from the present to the past, in memory. (More in future posts)

9. Forgiveness is about letting go of blame. It releases the emotional weight of grief.  At this point, you’ve moved past the denial, guilt & anger, & not hurting as badly as before.
❤️‍🩹 Forgive yourself (for what you should have done). Forgive them (for leaving you). Forgive doctors, other people, & circumstances that might have played a role.

10. Healing – You start to rebuild, As the heaviness lifts, life feels possible again. Fear can also get in your way here, but for a different reason – fear of letting yourself love again, so you may put off a new love relationship or have another child – to prevent the pain of future loss.  Even so, the healing gives resilience new energy & you start to re-engage as much as you can. 

The is key is learning to love yourself enough to create a joyful life. The audio program “nurturing your inner child” can help prepare you for optimistic transitions.

11.  The New Normal – Life after grief includes spiritual awareness. You incorporate a sense of stability, clarity, & peace. Death is a part of life, & we need a spiritual belief system that provides resilience, allowing us to be at peace with this reality.

NEXT : GRIEF – Gender Differences

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – Debunking ‘ Stages’

POST :  Accessing Emotions

SITE : BOOK: “Loss and Growth: The Grief Spiral – Transformative Bereavement” [Kindle]   Elissa Bishop-Becker M.Ed. LPC NCC

↗️  Grief is a cycle we revisit throughout our life. We grieve many things, even missing a bus. It can happen on 2 levels:
✑ Macro – Deep, long-term grief, such as losing someone we loved dearly, that’s not over when the funeral ends.
✑ Micro  – Daily, moment-to-moment experiences (see grief INTRO – Secondary and TYPES).

Grieving isn’t linear. We don’t move cleanly from Shock → Denial → Betrayal…. Instead, we oscillate between emotions, sometimes experiencing multiple stages at once. Do not judge yourself or allow others to – you have the right to fully grieve & in your own time. You may not get over your loss, but you will survive it.

3. Betrayal = the reaction to being left behind, often turning into anger – a much stronger part of grief – especially when the death is by violence, or of ones child.
The anger could be at the person who died. You think : “You shouldn’t have died. You should have taken better care of yourself. If you hadn’t smoked, you’d still be here….”  

You may also feel betrayed by the injustice of what happened, by God for letting it happen, or by yourself for being powerless : “If I’d been a better partner, they wouldn’t have left me…. If I’d forced them to go to the doctor sooner, they wouldn’t have died. OR if the doctors had done more..…”

Emotional Outbursts – Often with trauma there is hyper-vigilance, so grievers can be easily triggered. The fight-flight instinct is revved up, looking for impending dangers all the time, causing disproportionate reactions to ‘normal’ situations. Increased levels of cortisol in this escalated state of vigilance puts a lot of wear & tear on body & mind. 

4. Sadness = oftenest emotional throughout the cycle. While many painful grief-emotions can be relieved in church & therapy, sadness cannot.  It’s not just about crying – it’s the deep, melancholy oboe, a constant companion when everything is harder.  Even on “good” days it’s in the background, its volume rising & falling, depending on how much attention we give it.
Yet sadness plays an essential role, forcing us to regroup – physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially & spiritually (PMES). It instinctively makes us turn inward & slow down, as if our soul says “Time out. I need to acknowledge what’s happened & consider what I want to do next – just for today.”
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NEXT : GRIEF – Extended Cycle (#2)

PREVIOUS : GRIEF & the Body, #2

SITE : Types of Psychological Theories (many)

STAGES
One of the most commonly known & accepted psychological concepts is that grief proceeds in stages. This isthe work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the Swiss-American psychiatrist & death-&-dying expert.  She helped soften some of the stigma of grieving, making it a little more acceptable to talk about & get support for loss.

Actually, Kubler-Ross originally develop the stages to describe the process patients go through as they come to terms with having a terminal illnesses. The 5 stages— denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance — were only later applied to grieving friends & family who seemed to undergo a similar process after the loss of their loved ones.

NOTE: While individually each emotion or attitude in the Stages has validity & worth paying attention to in our life – the issue here is the misuse of the series – the expectation that humans should proceed in a specific & required sequence of mourning.

REALITY : There’s no research evidence that = most people = most of the time go through = most of the stages in order, no matter how much people want to create simple, bullet-point guidelines for the human response to loss. Even so, the urge seems irresistible – to compress the complexities of life into neat, tidy boxes.

Why stages? Humans are pattern-seeking, storytelling beings trying to make sense of a confusing & unpredictable world, by imposing order on chaos, inject predictability into uncertainty, & optimism over despair.
The importance of storytelling is a focus of Cognitive Psychology & ‘narrative psychotherapy,’ helping clients change negative self-talk (‘look at all I’ve suffered’) ——> into positives (‘I not only survived but triumphed’).  So,  what’s wrong with stages?

🔻 In developmental psychology, the idea of predictable life stages (‘Passage Theories’ – see AI def) disappeared with changing social & economic conditions. They were developed from a time when most people marched through life with total inevitability : marry at an early age —-> then have children when young—-> then work, work, work —-> then maybe have a midlife crisis —-> then retire —-> then die.  

🔻 Rigid theories impose psychological pressure by creating unrealistic expectations about what & how you should be “feeling”-  in a predictable direction (sad ——> happy), AND guilt that you should be farther along in your grief journey.  ★ Stay away from any psychotherapy or post-trauma interventions based on ‘inevitable’ stages. A particular procedure may be true for a particular griever, but it’s not universal.

🔻 A little Denial is Normal.  This may sound odd, given that it’s always considered inherently harmful. Research now tells us that it’s not automatically bad.  Denial is healthy in moderate amounts, the brain’s way of providing “denial breaks” so we don’t get too great a dose of grief before we’re ready. It lets us relax, regroup, & get ready for the pain we’ll inevitably face.
Being forced to confront harsh grief-related emotions all at once can be cruel, even psychologically dangerous.

🔻 Grief can Shake our Faith. Faith isn’t just about religion. We believe in many things – in ourself, in others, & in the future. When someone dies, our faith in these things takes a hit. We’re sure we’ll ever be the same again, & neither will the whole world – since it so badly let us down!

Most people believe “What comes around goes around,” so if we’re consistently good, we’ll be rewarded with good things. This is a “comfort-fantasy”, which is rudely challenged by the loss of a loved one, leaving us feeling guilty & punished for somehow not ‘living right’. Actually, life is rarely fair, so people do not always get what they deserve – good or bad.

🔻 The Grieving process does not always lead to ‘total’ Acceptance. Most people never stop missing their departed loved ones, but some losses are so unacceptable that the person is crushed for the rest of their life.
EXP : 2 famous fathers who were never the same after the death of their son — Aristotle Onassis (Alexander), & Dean Martin (Dean Paul). Or a UK man, after his father’s death.
NOTE – many other men & women have lost a son or daughter, but no matter how great the pain, they were not permanently devastated.     See SITE : Effects of Losing a Child

NEXT : Grief – EXTENDED Cycle, #1