PREVIOUS: GROWTH for OverDoing (#4c)

SITE : <—— …. A Step-by-Step Guide

CORRECT Over-functioning (cont)

1= Self-Awareness
2= NOT perfect
3= Boundaries
4= Health

5. PRIORITIZE (cont)
• To effectively set priorities for work tasks throughout the day & week you need a realistic & practical approach to integrating work & personal life. Start by identifying all tasks & categorizing them based on urgency & importance, using tools like the Eisenhower Box or a simple priority list.

Set aside time to organize & review what’s happening in your week so you can cut down on tasks that take up too much time but don’t have a lot of value. Start by identifying all tasks & categorizing them based on urgency & importance,

TIME : Avoid the temptation to over-commit by focusing on a few key activities rather than spreading yourself too thin. Do not list more than you can accomplish in the day. Chose your target tasks & make your best effort to finish them throughout the day  If you never can – it tells you that the list is too long &/or the tasks are simply ot realistically do-able!

Improving time-management skills is essential to maximize productivity & achieve a better work-life balance.
NOTE : Since many ACAs have a distorted sense of time, use your phone or an actual egg timer clock – to identify how long various activities take : washing dishes, getting dressed, eating a meal, making the bed, taking a shower or bath, laundry, driving somewhere usual, a medical appointment, a phone conversation, exercise…..
🫶🏽 Include time for 12-Step meetings, plus any other daily routine for mental health & spiritual growth

Regularly keep track of how long tasks take.  While each type may vary from day to day depending on your current situation, keep a log for a month & then take the average as your overall guide.
🤓 This is crucial to know – so you can plan your day accurately.

EXP : The Pomodoro Technique suggests to set a timer for 25 min. & work on a specific task. Take a short break (5 min) , then repeat. After every 4th round, take a longer break (15 – 30 min).

6. Set Realistic GOALS
Set realistic, achievable goals that align with your values, stretch your abilities, & feel meaningful — not just impressive. Whether it’s learning a skill, deepening relationships, or pursuing a long-held dream, good goal-setting bridges the gap between “someday” and “today.”
IMP: They do not reward short term burnout-based activity, but instead promote long-term consistency.

📌 It’s important to reflect on why you’ve set certain goals for yourself, & why you spend your time the way you do. Most over-doers are a victim of a productivity paradox, being on autopilot , because they don’t have self-awareness (see 4a) – not regularly checking in with themself.

Understanding the different types of goals helps tremendously : Contribution, long-term, outcome, process, short-term, smart and ‘Everest’ (bold, inspiring). One type is not better than another – rather –  they serve different purposes & can be combined when a task or project is very large.

Effective goals have to be specific enough to guide action (EXP : “write 500 words daily”) & meaningful enough to motivate it. Historical & modern Goal Setting Theories shows that clarity, challenge, & feedback dramatically increase your odds of reaching the desired outcome. They’re not just academic – they’re blueprints for designing goals that actually work.

Always think in terms of Process  (via Al-Anon 3 As). Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Micro habits can help  to fight your impulse to pursue productivity at all costs.
💚a. chip away at goals by starting small, taking stock of your to-dos on a given week & doing one less thing.
💚 b. more challenging is doing just one task at a time – while putting your phone down. Try not to multi-task – but this can be much harder for parents of young children.

Technology: Take advantage of software such as calendars, to-do lists, & apps like Notion, Evernote, and Trello, that help organize your work process.   These apps can also be combined, making it easier to keep everything in one place. Some even offer time-tracking software to manage your working hours more effectively.

SITE :  6 different useful worksheets
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PREVIOUS: OverDoing GROWTH (#4

SITE : “How to Set Enforceable Priorities With People”

CORRECT Over-functioning (cont)

BTW : A fully ‘differentiated’ person separates out Self’ from Other and Thoughts from Feelings (emotions), so they can have thoughts about their feelings & feelings about their thoughts.  They don’t get caught up in over-doing as a life-pattern.
They’re able to respond to life based on all the information available to them instead of ignoring what’s uncomfortable or painful. They have healthy boundaries between Self & an Other, making their relationships (with the right people) rich & satisfying.

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PREVIOUS : ACoA Over-Doers in Relationships (#3a)

SITEs : 🔹” Weighing the cost of over-functioning”

🔹Under & Over-functioning in Relationships: A Bowen Family Systems Approach”

Over-doing (O=D)  /O-functioning creates a reinforcing system deepening an unhealthy codependent pattern. It fuels chronic stress & burnout while corroding the connection. The over-doer becomes trapped in a cycle of anxiety-driven responsibility.

CONSEQUENCES to the relationship – of O-D
👫 Anxiety & control behaviors — Over-doing often stems from anxiety – if you’re afraid things will go wrong, you try yo prevent it, but this perpetuates the cycle

Attachment cycle trap — Emotional over-doers pair with under-doers, creating an anxious-avoidant cycle  – where you the anxious partner feels on-edge while your avoidant one feels overwhelmed & pressured 

• Blocks partner autonomy — By constantly taking responsibility for others’ actions, you’re stifling their ability to grow, learn & develop problem-solving skills, leaving them less self-reliant

Creates ‘directiveness’ — The over-doer gradually considers their partner as “not quite as good”,  relating in a directive, controlling way rather than as an equal 

Emotional exhaustion — By constantly taking on more than your share of emotional & practical work, you eventually hit a wall of exhaustion, so you too become stressed, anxious, & overwhelmed 

Enables Dependency — When you over-do, the other person has little incentive to contribute equally. This creates dependency, as if you’re a parent rather than a partner

• Intimacy deterioration — You’ll end up feeling alone, overwhelmed, & frustrated, while the under-doer can feel infantilized & incompetent, creating emotional distance 

Justification masks reality — When someone repeatedly shows you their ability to function, make decisions… & you keep over-riding & ignoring the proof, you’re not treating then as the person they actually, which is insulting

Loss of Self — When you spend so much energy managing someone else’s needs, you lose track of your own needs, & personal boundaries. While thinking you’re doing the ‘right thing’ you’re undercutting your self-esteem & losing your identity

Relationship instability — This dynamic  may have started with good intentions, but if continued will always lead to resentment as you feel your efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated, breeding frustration & anger, burnout & a lack of mutual growth, threatening the relationship’s survival

Repetitive conflict cycles — When partners feel misunderstood by each other, their disagreements & arguments go on & on, without clear resolution or change 

Stifles Personal Growth —By constantly taking responsibility for anothers’ actions, you’re stifling their ability to grow & learn. You prevents them from developing their problem-solving skills & becoming more self-reliant.
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CHANGING the PATTERN : Finding Balance is Key
❤️‍🩹  Acknowledge the Pattern  – that overdoing is part of your relational behavior. Seriously, deeply think about the roots of the issue, such as anxiety, a need for control, & fear of abandonment.

❤️‍🩹 Communicate Your Needs — One reasons over-dong is that they have a hard time knowing, expressing & proving their own needs.
Once you can identify them, practice asking for them from your partner. Talk about how you two can share the load more evenly.

❤️‍🩹 Delegate & Share Responsibilities — A balanced relationship requires both partners to contribute equally. Start handing over some of your duties, so the other person can step up – even if they don’t do it perfectly (your way). Accepting imperfection is one key to letting go of over-doing.

❤️‍🩹 Set & Respect Boundaries  — Another key to stopping is implementing healthy boundaries. Define where your part ends & the other person’s begin. It will help you regain your sense of self & encourage mutual respect. EXP: don’t help with your partner’s problems unless they specifically ask for your input.

❤️‍🩹 Practice Self-Compassion  — It’s easy to be hard on yourself when you realize you’ve been over-doing, but it’s important to practice self-kindness, acceptance & patience. Over-doing may come from caring & wanting to keep things running smoothly. Take credit for wanting to learn & grow. Making changes is a slow process. so Be Gentle with yourself as you make the effort.

NEXT : Over-Doing GROWTH (#1)

PREVIOUS :  Over-doing  (#2c)

SITE : “Cycle of Over-functioning and Distancing” 

Based on : Scout.Yahoo.com

OVER-Doing (O-D)
Over-functioning in relationships creates an imbalance when one partner takes on too much or most of the emotional, mental & practical responsibility (PMES).  It leads to exhaustion, resentment & eroded intimacy for both. This pattern often masks underlying anxiety, showing up as a deep need to be controlling. It’s a sign of deeper relational issues being played out, such as unstable attachment wounds,  codependency, relational trauma….

Over-doing is responsibility has been absorbed by someone.  While it may “feel” like love or being responsible, it gradually damages the couple’s partnership by eating away at the foundation.
Growth requires space.  Healthy relationships are based on give-&-take. Even when things are not always ‘perfectly’ balanced, long-term there’s an easy ebb & flow.

However, when one person in a relationship consistently over-functions, it doesn’t stay personal – it becomes structural. the system adapts around it, the relationship re-organizing itself so that one person keeps carrying most or all the emotional, logistical & relational weight. This isn’t usually conscious or malicious. The system stabilizes around whoever handles the most, trying to be efficient within the dysfunction.

If one person keeps over-doing, the other(s) will keep under-doing. Not because they can’t but because this system quietly rewards imbalance.  The more you anticipate needs, smooth tension, rescue outcomes, & regulate the emotional field, the less space there is for others to grow (mate, children, co-workers / employees….).

With time, responsibility becomes invisible labor – when it’s not named, acknowledged or shared,  becoming the ingrained background operating system of the relationship. So resentment becomes inevitable. The longer it runs this way, the harder it is to interrupt without discomfort. Interesting : the over-functioning partner keeps going in silence. It’s the under-functioning one who complains.  (from J. Mike Field)

Some SIGNS of Over-Doing because —>  YOU FEEL :
♥︎ afraid, constantly scanning the environment looking for signs of trouble you have to handle – fast, or else
♥︎ you have to prioritize their comfort over your own, then get secretly resentful, but keep going to keep the peace
♥︎ the compulsion to anticipate /know their needs, before they express them (OR maybe don’t actually need OR don’t want)
FEEL
♥︎ responsible for ‘fixing’ their emotions, even when they haven’t asked for support or help
♥︎ annoyed or angry when they want to relax or take time to do something without you (not about cheating)
♥︎ anxious &/or guilty if/when you step back, assume things will fall apart without your constant vigilance & efforts
♥︎ judgmental when they actually help to do something you need or want —> but their way (wrong way by you)
OR – resentful that they never offer to help, or refuse 

EXAMPLES of relationship IMBALANCE
As the OVER-DOER, you’re Always the one who :
☀︎ is taken advantage of, accommodating to their schedules & goals, their wants / demands / expectations (no mutual effort)
☀︎ reaches out to connect, initiates communication &/or intimacy, constantly afraid they will leave
☀︎ acts as parent or therapist, listening to their problems & giving advice, even when they’re just dumping, but never sharing your own needs & feelings
WHO
☀︎ makes all the plans & arrangements, co-ordinates family/ friends / work dinners…. Works to be sure everyone has a good time.  Even when you’re tired, ill, burnt out or just don’t want to
☀︎ says YES to requests (or demands) from them – afraid to say NO, so they won’t be angry (see Laundry List)
☀︎ spends lots of time apologizing, making excuses for their hurtful / bad / unhealthy behavior
☀︎ (if single) travels to meet the other, but they never come to you
☀︎  when making future plans, assumes they’ll be part if it – although they don’t (even hint it! “I’m not sure where I’ll be / what I’m going to do….”) ⁠
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Over-Doing (#2a)

POSTS : Work STYLES (#1-4)

PROCESS of Over-Doing (based on M. Mantell info)
Stage 1: Rich — when the activity feels so very enjoyable. When over-indulging in the original thing (food, project, new love….), it feels exciting, delicious, eliminates anxiety….
But this intensity will NOT last.

EXP: The first week Jen went away to college (at 17) she went exploring the town on her own. While grocery shopping for dorm snacks she bought several packages of dried apricots. They were ‘too expensive’ for mom to ever get, so now she had the freedom. On the way back she ate 3 of the packs. It was wonderful, delicious/’sinful’ & very sweet. But she got a quite sick from all that sugar, & never wanted another died apricot.

Stage 2: Signs to slow down
If it’s a work task or project, a not-s0-new love affair…. you start getting sensations in the body to slow down (losing focus, headaches, lower back pain, sleeplessness…). If you’re aware enough to recognize the subtle changes, ASK :  Am I still running on an outdated fantasy or a realistic mental goal? What’s my present-moment need?

Stage 3: Need a break — when the ‘thing’ you were so excited about is starting to hurt. Usually, the signs at this stage are hard to ignore, but if you really try, you definitely can. Sadly, ACoAs were trained to be numb to both physical & emotional signals, especially the painful ones! So you try to tough it out. It’s a matter of pride – “I can handle anything!” (no matter the cost).

Stage 4: Overdone!
If you ignore Stage 3 alerts & keep pushing, you’ll get over-done, like a burned dinner. Your body starts to panic & everything in you is screaming to take space. You end up sluggish, depressed & maybe sleep too much.

Stage 5: Slowly re-integrate
If you finally take the space = either because you honestly admit you needed to, or your body forced you to = you take as long a break as needed —> to recover. Spend that time to evaluate your patterns, motives & choices.

📌 Work at NOT going back into Stage 1. This can sneak up on you if there’s something very different you get obsessed with! & you haven’t yet caught on to – & corrected – the underlying issues driving the compulsion.

BURNOUT Symptoms (VERYWELL Health)
If you don’t catch the signs of over-doing early,  you end up totally depleted. This can look different for each of us, but a very good indicator that productivity has turned toxic includes feeling low-self worth from co-dependent people-pleasing, because of never living your truth by acting authentically.
At its most extreme, you’re burnt out so badly you actually have a melt-down & have to quit work / career for weeks or months, to recuperate.
BUT did you learn your lesson & change?

🔻 Creating conflicts = over-extending yourself at home, arguing, criticizing, sudden anger outbursts, forgetting to do routine things or that were promised…..

🔻 Finding it hard to get up in the morning, & tired ‘round-the-clock’. One of the most recognized symptoms of burnout & considered the “core” of the syndrome

🔻 Feeling Dread & Lack of Motivation =  The “Work in America” survey found that 26% of U.S. workers aren’t motivated to do their best, & 18% feel ineffective

🔻 Feeling Useless, with Depression = feeling like you can’t do anything right, & a loss of interest in any activities, affecting your efficacy (ability to get work done)

🔻 Lack of Focus or Concentration = while at any task – you’re confused, & your mind wanders easily – making it hard to complete actions, no matter how easy they normally are

🔻 Physical problems = severe back pain / muscle spasms, restless sleep, headaches, stomach pains & appetite changes —— either too much or too little

🔻 Being more Negative than you used to be, & much more Impatient with loved ones & customers, even about little unimportant ‘stuff’

🔻Not performing well at work = ignoring assignments, lateness, many mistakes, arguing, having an ‘attitude’, taking on more responsibilities, constantly offering to help others

🔻 Unhealthy Behaviors = turning to harmful pacifiers  (alcohol, drugs, comfort foods, indiscriminate sex, over-exercising….)

🔻 Vision Changes  = prolonged stress can : raise intraocular pressure, cause blurriness, dryness, floaters, light sensitivity….

NEXT : Over-doing : GROWTH

PREVIOUS : SLOW DOWN

SITE : “Stop Overdoing Your Strengths” – very extensive (Harvard Biz Review)

BOOK : “Do Nothing” (by @celesteheadlee)

If you feel like this poem too – you may be stuck in a cycle of toxic productivity – typical of many ACoAs, a  form of “not-enoughness”. This can drive us to act in ways that don’t align with what really matters to us. We subconsciously keep busy by compulsively working to avoid dealing with painful emotions,  & issues in our current & past reality.
Here again is another aspect of how we use/ misuse TIME.

“Creative Hopelessness” of Toxic Productivity – an ACT term for waking up to the reality that what we are doing (over & over) isn’t working. (ACT =Acceptance & Commitment Therapy — about psychological flexibility).
Over-functioning is a classic wounded response formed during a toxic childhood. Being over-controlled, seriously neglected, &/OR trying to keep a chaotic household afloat,  ACoAs take on too much responsibility at a very young age.

Of course, then we continue the pattern as adults — until we have enough Recovery to set appropriate boundaries on our actions. It’s a common but often overlooked reaction to internal or external stress, feeling compelled to “do more” as a way of coping — trying to manage & control many things that are actually not ours to handle.
Most people on the productivity wheel are on autopilot – from not being self-aware – by not checking in with themself regularly OR at all . Over time, it leads to PMES burnout AND damaged relationships caused by letting others under-function & become too reliant on us.

Toxic beliefs in the WIC creating anxiety : I FEEL
🥺 afraid there’s not enough for me
⚡️alone & long for people to see my value
⚡️anxious when I’m still (nothing to do)
⚡️guilty when I take time off
⚡️sad that I’m not where I “should” be in life
⚡️scared that I’m going to be left behind
⚡️ shame that I’m not enough. (add your own)

As mentioned in the previous post,  the illusion is that we must be constantly ‘productive” to have any value at all ! much less to reach goals. Ironically this belief actually derails our dreams.
So it’s important to figure out why we get caught in overdoing.
📌 Notice why you’ve set certain goals for yourself, what’s their purpose & how do you spend your time. ASK :
— When it feels like I’m not doing enough, what do I do?
— How is this working? AND What price do I have to pay?

Our native biology is doing its job when we’re low on reserves —> the brain is designed to shift into ‘drive mode’ when it seems we don’t have enough resources & need to compete for scarce goods (food, shelter, a mate).
Unfortunately : present-day messaging (broad media, social media, education…. ) floods our drive system with messages that we aren’t doing enough, are being left out (FoMo),  don’t measure up, & are falling behind.

TOXIC Productivity
Toxic productivity is based on the deep-rooted conviction that you only have value from what you produce. So – if you’re always the person responsible for getting things done at home & at work, you may think you’re more in control, highly competent, & a valued member of your team or family.
HOWEVER, it :
º causes you to miss sleep & meals so you can work more
º ‘considers’ downtime as a waste instead of recovery time
º guilt trips you into not resting or taking breaks
º ignores or minimizes physical warning signs like headaches, fatigue, increased irritability, elevated resting heart rate
º promotes the habit of always being in ‘hustle mode’, at the expense of normal human and personality needs

You know it’s toxic when YOU :
♠︎  don’t have hobbies, a healthy social life or take vacations — because all your focus is on work or career (and money?)
♠︎  minimize or deny your real successes
♠︎  often feel work-related insecurity or guilt
♠︎  sacrifice time needed for yourself, family & friends – for the sake of productivity
♠︎   set your expectations unrealistically high, both for yourself & for the work
♠︎  undervalue or ignore your own physical, mental & emotional health

NEXT : OVER-DOING (2b)

PREVIOUS : Over-Doing (#2)

SITE : Parent as Over-Doer

UNDER-FUNCTIONING
DEF : Under-Doing (functioning) in children refers to difficulties in managing tasks & responsibilities, affecting the ability to perform well in school & daily activities, often leading to reliance on others.  NOTE: re. tasks = either not able to initiate, or not finish.

Some symptoms 
🚻 Emotional Immaturity – not able to manage their emotions – perhaps leading to impulsive behaviors & overreactions, lashing out & later regretting it. Get easily frustrated & anxious when faced with tasks, so avoid taking action

🚻 Executive Functioning problems : not good at planning, organizing & finishing task, may procrastinate or have trouble starting homework or chore.  Includes —
— Structure : may lose track of assignments, forget to bring needed materials with them, not keep workspace tidy
—  Time Management : misjudge how long tasks will take, leading to last-minute rushes

🚻 Social Interaction : struggle to make friends, understand social cues, & participate in group activities

🚻 Lack of Independence & Low Motivation –  See “Over-Parenting”  below

GENERAL { Contributing factors to Under-doing
🙇🏻‍♂️ Genetic predispositions & neurobiological changes. Alterations in brain structure & function.  Children with a family history of mental illness may be more susceptible to similar issues

🙇🏽‍♀️ Neuro-developmental disorders, such as ADHD or the autism spectrum (ASD)

🙇🏻‍♂️ Chronic Illness : Health issues may limit participation in school & social activities

🫃🏽 Family dynamics, such as parental mental health & parenting styles, which often includes Adverse childhood experiences, (ACE)  including trauma, abuse & neglect

🙇🏽‍♀️ Psychological Factors, such as anxiety or depression…. impair cognitive & emotional processing

🫃🏽Environmental Influences & missing Support systems
ALSO, 👫Psycho-social Factors  – Peer rejection & bullying

🤰🏻Socio-economic factors, such as poverty, poor nutrition, no access to mental health resources, dangerous neighborhood….

★However, a MAJOR Cause of Under-functioning in children is parental Narcissism, Double-binding & Boundary Invasions.

👥  Parental Influences / Helicoptoring
Over-parenting  (O-P) reduces a child’s ability to manage their own emotions & behavior, leaving them less equipped to handle challenges in school & social settings.

Being over-controlling limits opportunities for children to develop self-regulation skills, which are fundamental to long-term mental & physical health. 

🧠 Emotional & Behavioral Consequences of O-P
Anxiety patterns — when a child is ‘shielded’ from all discomfort, they don’t learn how to handle challenges, disappointment, demanding situations, the unknown…. so they feel overwhelmed when life throws a curve

Emotion dysregulation — when decisions or playtime are constantly ‘guided’ by a parent, the child will have trouble adjusting to complex school environments, causing behavioral problems

Reduced resilience — children who haven’t been helped to learn to regulate their own emotions effectively have a harder time bouncing back & fitting in

📊 Long-term Mental Health Effects from O-P.
Chronic stress — Parental anxiety often drives over-parenting, & this anxiety is transmitted to children, creating learned patterns of worry & hyper-vigilance

Depression & Obsessing – negative self-talk develops as children internalize parental criticism or face unrealistic expectations

Body image concerns — Parental monitoring of appearance or eating habits increases risk for eating disorders & poor body image

📌 Research shows all these patterns persist over time into adulthood, negatively affecting overall psychological functioning & well-being.

PREVIOUS :  CHILDHOOD Causes (#1)

POSTs : Review the 2 LAUNDRY LISTs (soft & hard)

OVER-DOERS / over-functioning (O-D)
😨 Hypervigilant
Over-doing children develop a hyper alert nervous systems from constantly scanning their social environment for danger.  With an increased sense of awareness & alertness, it becomes almost impossible to stay in the moment in their body, or to relax & rest.  As children & then later on, they’re either obsessing about the past, or projecting danger in the future, waiting for the next crisis.

🙀 Anxious
Given the many painful experiences that Over-doing kids go thru, it’s no wonder that chronic anxiety is common. Forever scanning for anything that can & will go wrong, they’re worried about what they can do to feel safer.  That leads to constantly being in fight-or-flight mode, elevating stress hormones like adrenaline, which ends up severely depleted, with many side effects, including a weakened immune system.

🫂 Blurred boundaries
In dysfunctional families, any form of healthy boundaries is practically unknown. They violate each others’ space, privacy & rights.  Parents expect & demand the child take on the roles of adult caretaker, lawyer, nurse, shrink…. but only for themselves.

Spending much of their upbringing focused on other people’s needs, children don’t get to figuring out what they actually want, need or even feel. They never know where the PMES lines are, when others end & where they start.
IMP : to form & maintain appropriate Bs, one must first know what one’s needs are, neither of which Over-doing children are allowed. (ACoAs & Bs)

😜 Need to feel ‘in control’
Being in constant turmoil the child in a dysfunctional home becomes hyper-responsible as the only way to keep everything functional & hopefully to gain approval. Hyper-vigilance conditions the nervous system to assume ‘inevitable’ danger, physical & emotional.

That becomes the need to be controlling – taking over, managing people or situations (PPT) by anticipating others’ needs & trying to provide them as best as the child can.  Control is an attempt to ‘fix’ problems, as well as handle both day-to-day details & larger tasks – even trying to manage things out of the child’s control. The effort can feel physically calming – temporarily – so becomes compulsive.

🤐 Emotional Suppression
Children consumed by Over-Doing don’t have the space to be quiet & calm inside, to find out what they’re feeling emotionally, even physically. Some may be obviously angry, but most drown in terror (unidentified anxiety).  Any form of pain has to be ignored & suppressed.

Children learn their emotions are never to be acknowledged – it’s just a huge annoyance.  But while never admitted, dysfunctional parents ‘bleed’ their emotions all over the place – anger, depression, worry, neediness.…   For the children, the message is “Do, do, do, but do NOT feel.”

😇 Over-Responsibility
Children become Over-doers because to survive they’re compelled to make up for the lack of parenting skills in the damaged adults round them. It’s made clear that any problem – big or small –  is somehow the children’s fault & their responsibility to fix. With limited knowledge & little or no support, they try to do the impossible.

They realized early on that ‘everything’ depends on being able to figure out how to stay alive, manage the chaos & neglect, & compensate for being unacceptable to their family.  So they use every ounce of determination & creativity to be ‘little’ adults, carrying on their thin shoulders all the burdens that should rightly be on the caregivers.

👣 Codependent
This is one of several defense mechanisms developed in unhealthy families, where there’s usually one adult who is intensely narcissistic & hard, & if there is another – are likely the softer co-dependent one, perhaps who is withdrawn, with low self-esteem. In this case, children will copy one or the other, not having the right to form their own identity . This leaves them very vulnerable, & one way to compensate is by Over-doing, trying to stave off loneliness, anxiety & a scary sense of emptiness.

🥸 High-achieving
This characteristic builds on perfectionism & wanting to feel in control. Fixing things at home then extends to school, & eventually to work & career. The rebel kid make a point of not doing well, even though they’re smart & creative too, but have decided “Why bother”.
“Book-smart” types do well in school, going as high academically as possible. They’re quietly trying to be totally prepared for all inevitable negative outcomes, or fulfill some demand & expectation of a parent so they’ll be recognized as ‘good enough’.

To cope with the lack of love & acceptance from family, they develop incredibly high standards & expectations of themself, & external rewards may soothe the anxiety – a little. But like any addiction, the satisfactions is never enough.  Over-doing has to be maintained at a fever pitch, until burnout stops the treadmill.

NEXT : ACoA UNDER-Doers

PREVIOUS :

POST : Toxic Family RULES  // HERO family ROLE

DEF: Over-doing (o-functioning) is when someone takes on emotional &/or practical responsibilities in life areas which are way beyond what is appropriate or expected for a particular role (parent) or developmental level (child), especially to the point of causing negative physical or psychological consequences into adulthood.

Over-doing can act like a dog whistle to under-doers, narcissistic, & other exploitative types. It’s a power-play. Damaging parents just assume children are to be used to their own advantage, They benefit from the child’s built-in deference & attachment to them.  These Kids are prematurely pressed into taking on adult responsibilities to meet the emotional needs & lacks of their parents & siblings.
So, many become domestic slaves, doing everything the adults can’t or don’t want to. The Over-giving child feels impelled by desperation & panic, not just expressing themself or being empathic ….

IRONY : Emotionally immature parents rely too heavily on their children yet also resent them. They’re ‘fed’ by the power dynamic BUT feel the child’s needs as a source of irritation & inconvenience . The child is experienced as a competitor for resources & attention, rather than as an innocent being  legitimately entitled to their love & support. (Role reversal ↗️ )
💥 This puts them in no-win double bind: the child must suppress their humanity to preserve attachment needed for survival.

EARLY LIFE ‘ACEs’ : Adverse Childhood Experiences
❤️ In healthy families, parents carry the emotional & practical responsibility for the household. Kids get to be kids — free to play, make mistakes, & be cared for.

🩶 BUT : Over-functioning (O=F ) in children comes with an underlying agenda, & is a learned behavior . It’s about adult-child imbalances, inappropriate expectations & excessive demands.

🖤 Years of early trauma** can lead children to become Over-doers as a way to manage the anxiety of not feeling accepted & loved. They try anything & everything to stay connected to a parent, no matter how abusive, hoping to get their approval – even permission to exist!  The terror is that if they don’t take care of the adult(s) – they’ll be thrown away as useless. I
It’s one of many forms of abandonment. To a small child this feels like life & death – & may be. 

** NOTE – Trauma is experienced in every PMES area, some more severe & long lasting than others
√ Abuse – all the painful things done to you or to someone near you
√ Neglect – all the good, helpful, wonderful things you did not get

NEXT : Childhood effects on Over-Doing (#2)

PREVIOUS : Grief ADVICE

SITE : Tortoise & Hare Story – 7 Powerful Lessons

This topic is all about TIME. ACoAs come in 2 flavors, either —
√ wasting ‘free time’ not knowing how to self- motivate when no-one or nothing from the outside is pressing them to act (fear of Empty Time)
OR
√ filling in very second of the day with activity with no free time – ever, reacting to external pressures, real or imagined. (see Toxic Rules)

The Illusion of Faster
Slowing down may be the hardest but most urgent skill we can develop since the world is operating at warp speeds, so the challenge of keeping up can be overwhelming. There’s too much to be done, & all done yesterday.
The days are too short, the nights barely exist. Alerts, messages, deadlines, decisions. Screens blinking. Phones pinging. The only way to keep up is to run faster – and even if you do, you still fall behind.

However- If we want to build organizations, relationships & personal lives that are meaningful & resilient, we must reject the myth that faster is better.

The Myth of Multi-tasking
When we have a lot to do & not enough time, a natural response is to multitask. We quickly reply to emails while we’re preparing a presentation. Shoot off a message on WhatsApp while juggling a Zoom call. Listen to a podcast while skimming an article we need to read for a meeting later in the day…. It seems like we’re getting a lot done.

But we’re mistaken. Research consistently tells us that multitasking significantly reduces our efficiency. For example, a 2011 study found that people “who are forced to multitask perform significantly worse than those forced to work sequentially.”

EXCEPTION 1. These examples are all activities that require mental attention at the same time – therefore the warning is correct.
However, limited multi-tasking is possible if one action is physical while the other mental – neither being too strenuous or emotionally tasking.
EXPs : Being on an exercise bike & watching a movie //  walking, ironing, knitting, cooking … while talking on the phone

EXCEPTION 2. to the rule : women’s brains are provided with the ability to multi-task for motherhood!

Slowing Down to Speed Up
When we try to do too much all at once, or try to do too much too quickly, we don’t do anything well. And, curiously, we do it more slowly, too. We need what we might call the practice of “slow attention” – the practice of focusing fully on one task, one moment, one breath at a time. It’s the practice of being fully present for what we do.

When faced with overwhelming demands, with multiple competing claims on our energy & attention (alerts & pings…), the most efficient way of responding is to slow down. Instead of trying to do 10 things at once, it’s best to do one thing at a time, sequentially.

In the movie TOP GUN, Maverick – an elite Navy fighter pilot – says: “I feel the need. The need … for speed!”. However- there’s another actual famous saying attributed to the Navy SEALS : “Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”

Reclaiming Our Life
Beside managing our practical life better – what’s even more important is our humanity. Instead of being present to our feelings & experience, we drown in a sea of distractions & deadlines. When racing through life, we lose more than IQ points. We lose the connection to ourself,  just reacting rather than living intentionally, letting everything external dictate our agenda rather than choosing how we want to spend the very limited time we have.

To be truly present we need to slow down, not just performing like a puppet. If we stay in our body, with our current emotions & thoughts (PMES) it transforms how we relate to ourself & others. It allows deeper listening, authentic engagement & greater empathy so we’re able to genuinely connect.
For ACoAs – one huge benefit is that living this way helps us FEEL SAFER in the world! which is the WIC‘s deepest desire & need.

AND it’s a skill we can develop, one choice at a time.
SUGGESTIONS :
1. Counter procrastination by rejecting perfectionism. (Attend Al-anon regularly).
2. Limit Digital Noise – mute non-essential notifications & schedule screen-free time. Protect sacred spaces in your environment for in-person connection.
3. Anchor with recovery sayings from the Healthy Adult : I can handle what you Little One can’t & shouldn’t have to”.  Repeat  “I am enough just for today” or “Presence over pressure” during moments of stress. These aren’t just affirmations – they help signal safety to your brain.

4. Intentionally Single-Task . Choose one task & give it your full focus. Practice No multitasking. This reduces cognitive overload & increases fulfillment. You get to see positive results!

5. Pause with Purpose. Take 5 minutes a day to breathe deeply & scan your body. This helps move your nervous system out of fight-or-flight mode & into calm awareness.

6. Reflect Daily. Spend a few minutes journaling or simply asking: What mattered most today? (10th Step) This helps align actions with values.

NEXT :  ACoAs OVERDOING (1a)