PREVIOUS : —— CD

SITE :  “Stop Catastrophizing: How to Retrain Your Brain to Stress and Worry Less” 

☁︎  Catastrophizing (Awful-izing, Selective Abstraction – making a mountain out of a molehill) can be broken down into :
☼ Magnification : over-emphasizing the importance of an specific event (real or imagined),  ignoring all the positive points, making negative assumptions about the future
☼ Rumination, obsessing, as excessive overthinking & racing thoughts  — leading to —
☼ Helplessness –  with negative self-talk which contributes to feeling incapable & out of control.

A 2017 study showed that catastrophic thinking is linked to a deeply held core belief (Toxic Rule “the world is dangerous”), It gives some insight into the person’s most basic fears & insecurities, like ACAs’ intense FoA (being abandoned), of making mistakes (perfectionism)….

This CD is used as a mechanism to regulate ‘negative’ emotional responses  (terror) – the mind’s way of protecting you. When something hurts, the brain tries to create a sense of control. It’s picturing the worst possible outcome in a situation, as an unsuccessful way of bracing for potential threats.

But it’s an illusion – the assumption is that if you can write the story of what’s going to happen, you may feel better able to cope, & so a little safer, even if the scenario you imagined will never happen.

INSTEAD – Using this CD  distorts your sense of reality, causing complex physical & mental symptoms associated with the fight-flight response.  It can lead to avoiding positive experiences in life all the way to agoraphobia, dropping you down a rabbit hole of fear & anxiety.
It’s linked to depression, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive & panic disorders, & even increase your perception of pain.  But the more you do, the harder it is to pull out of it, & the worse the symptoms feel. However, one can also use catastrophic thinking without having a diagnosable disorder.

re. PAIN : Chronic pain involves a complex mix of physical & psychological factors. It is real, but the brain & body both play a role. Studies show that chronic pain sufferers report a lower quality of life if they catastrophize their pain – as intolerable & uncontrollable.
This thinking becomes a second burden or injury that follows the initial one, such as a flare-up of pain. EXP : “I’ll always feel this way,” or “I’ll never be able to ___”. (For degree of intensity see Pain Catastrophizing Scale,)

A 2010  study looking at – people in chronic pain who catastrophized – had changes in their pituitary & hypothalamus responses. And the brain area that – registers emotions associated with pain – had an increased activity.

This CD is a problem of perspective – blowing small things out of proportion. The person only focuses on a minor unpleasant or disliked part of a situation, interaction, or performance, so that other parts of the whole picture are ignored or minimized. The exaggeration pours fear into something that isn’t actually scary .
EXP: The plumber totally fixed the severe bathroom leak, but left a mess. SO, the homeowner fearful of dirt & chaos decides they’ll never hired this one again because he can’t be trusted to do the ‘whole job well’.

☀︎ GENERAL  : Catastrophizing includes factors that are rooted in biology & psychology, as well as some social elements. It can ruin whole situations, jobs or relationships by picking out a detail we don’t like or scares us (the WIC), then magnifying it. It’s over-reacting to minor violations, everyday circumstances & personal characteristics (in us or others) which we consider unacceptable, making them more intense & more threatening than is realistic & objective.

☀︎ PERSONAL : A lack of skill, knowledge or capacity is judged to be fatal to your overall success in life. Belief:  ‘The past was bad, the present is bad, & the future is hopeless!” Seeing a small problem as so big it’s overwhelming – too big to handle or resolve – makes you want to give up trying. ‼️ even though it may actually be fixable.

☀︎ CHILDREN :  Catastrophizing can burden some children & teens, not just adults. EXP : a school-age child may worry about the worst-imaginable consequences of a failure, such as getting a poor grade on a test or not making a sports team.

NEXT : Catastrophizing  (#2)

PREVIOUS : B & W Thinking – a CD

SITE : “How Attachment Styles drive Mind Reading —Stop guessing, start asking” 

Review 5 POSTs : “Mind Reading” vs. “Intuition”

Another common ACoA distortion
NOTE :  Posts listed above  are very extensive. The current one focuses on the silence in our wounded inner world – the lack of words for our thought, lack of permission to question, lack of safety for connection…..

DEF : Although it tends to be unconscious / automatic, Mind Reading is actually an arrogant, presumptuous thinking pattern. You assume you know what someone is thinking or feeling without factual information from that person & is usually negative, causing social anxiety & relationship conflicts. EXP : “I just know they’re judging me.”

Indirect POS :  Mind reading is not the same as healthy social cognition or empathy. Reading social cues is a normal, even necessary, human skill. You notice a friend seems quiet & check in with them. You sense tension in a meeting & adjust your approach. You see the person across from you is really upset & you hand them a tissue.  Your read is accurate.
That’s adaptive & helpful. The goal is to figure out which interpretations of situations are grounded in reality & which are manufactured by anxiety.

Indirect NEG : Mind reading is a problem when we skip past actual observation & land directly on our own negative assumption. Our brain treats the assumption as settled fact.  When a person is already primed to expect rejection or criticism, it becomes hyper-vigilant, scanning for threats, finding them even when they don’t exist. This riggers real emotional & physical distress.

Mind reading thrives on ambiguity, so ordinary moments become “evidence”. Neutral events are unconsciously loaded with meaning based on someone’s body language. You imagine that someone is upset with you because of  a delayed text response, a lack of eye contact or perceived tone of voice,  a raised eyebrow, or a moment of silence.
The problem is the gap between what actually happened & what you decide it means.
EXP : Your partner paused (to think) before answering your question.
🤫 💭  That’s what actually happened.
🤨 😡 But you decide that it means “They’re hiding something from me” even though they’re usually transparent.  You feel it in the pit of your stomach, the way you did a a kid.

NOT ASKING
ACoAs – all CDs are called “Stinkn’ Thinkin‘” in the AA 12-Step program. NOW : Based on childhood neglect & abuse, Mind-Reading is the WIC’s effort to figure out what other people want from us – how we should behaved to never get abandoned.
It’s a way to ingratiate ourself by ‘taking care’ of others, a way of being useful, of healing other people’s wounds, of compensating for being unloved & unlovable (Self- Hate)….

SOURCE : As children, no one asked us how we felt, what was going on, what we needed or wanted. We were wither yelled at or ignored, given the silent treatment or lectured. But never an actual dialogue.

And we were  not allowed to ask others about themself, what they felt, our family history ….   Many of us grew up with a constant reminder that “Children should be seen & not heard”. When we tried to understand, we were ignored or made fun or punished for our curiosity & confusion.

SO we learned to not ask – it wasn’t safe. Many times what we were told or overheard were lies, confusing or contradictory information, & distorted or double messages. The only option left for many of us was trying to read minds – guessing at what we were supposed to know.

NOTE: These painful experiences are one reason ACoAs hate silences when we’re with someone.  We’re convinced it always means the other person is angry at us or they’re just being dismissive. It feels lonely & disconnected – never peaceful & companionable.

CORRECTION
When we put our private, hidden interpretations on somebody else’s words or behaviors, we block understanding them, especially limiting our ability to get to know someone we want to spend time with. We’re also sending ourselves on an unnecessary emotional rollercoaster.
The main focus is to give yourself permission to ask respectful, thoughtful questions.   “What did you mean by that? Why did you say it that way?” 
🔐  TYPES of Qs : Essential, & 27 Subsidiary categories you can use,
and 8 Types of ANS – so you know what you’re hearing from others.

NEXT : Catastrophizing – #1

PREVIOUS :

POST :  Cognitive Distortions – Intro #2  — NOTE to ACoAs

DEF : Black & White thinking is an Either-Or way of looking at everything, & one of the most common ACoA Cognitive Distortions (CDs) .
It’s thinking in absolutes, the mind simplifying experiences into two opposing categories – something is either good or bad, success or failure, right or wrong, lovable or unlovable… The human brain prefers clarity & certainty, especially when stressed, to reduce ambiguity, by simplifying overwhelming situations to feel in control.

But while B & W can feel intense & seem convincing , it more often leads to harsh emotional reactions & distorted conclusions, creating unnecessary stress, Without middle ground options, you’re forced to struggle to function at the extremes – damaging self-esteem, & straining relationships. It keeps you from seeing life the way it really is : complex, uncertain, & constantly changing.

🥺 The Damaged Child’s (WIC) desperate desire is to make life safer by pinning things down, wanting to know the ‘rules’, trying to never make a mistake…. ACoAs hate uncertainty, convinced that ‘maybe-s’ & nuances are not valid or useful, are dangerous & scary…. that someone talking about alternatives & other options is just messing with you, making it feel like the ground under you is wobbly.

CAUSES / CONTRIBUTIONS
☁︎ Anxiety – craving certainty & Depression, narrowing perspectives
Also, sustained painful emotions or mental illness can worsen B & W thinking as with (OCD ) Obsessive-compulsive & (BPD) Borderline personality disorders.

☁︎ Fear of Abandonment (FoA) – causing the need for constant reassurance
☁︎ Perfectionism, where small missteps feel like catastrophes. & only flawless outcomes are acceptable

☁︎ Narcissism.  Narcs need to always have the upper hand, to have the power in every situation. Rigid B & W thinking is a protective shield against being unsure which they consider a weakness.
☁︎ Trauma, where extremes seemed to identify & predict safety or danger for survival.

Negative EFFECTS
Career. Too rigid thinking can be a problem in work environments where there’s a lot of collaboration & sharing of different ideas

Diet. B & W greatly restricts what you thinks is ok to eat & makes it hard to try new things which are beneficial.  It also makes you judge your looks & body as only good or bad, & may contribute to anorexia.

Learning. Many school courses have a simple performance measure : pass or fail, leading many students to believe they’re inherently good or bad at learning.

Relationships. Using extreme thinking as a reaction to normal adult conflicts leads to drawing the wrong conclusions about someone, & misses opportunities to talk things out or compromise.

GROWTH
‼️ LAYERS – Think visually :
Neg: B & W ways of ‘understanding’ something is always looking at Left or Right extremes, not even on a continuum. It’s all blank in between!

Pos:  HEALTHY – Instead – Always think in layers. EXP : When feeling very upset, you know right away it’s your WIC that’s reacting to something in the present. ♥︎ Base layer : Something painful was triggers that happened often in the past.
♠︎ Defense Layer : What is the child thinking / saying ? It’s usually some form of Self-Hate, plus mental confusion ….
💕 Upper Layer : BUT your adult rational self can be much more realistic, & if you’re developing a Loving Parent,  the UNIT can help you mourn the past but stay in the present. That will soften the pain.

BTW : ….. “The poet John Keats coined the term “negative capability” to describe “when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts – without any irritable reaching after fact & reason.” Negative capability isn’t comfortable. It’s a liminal place, a zone of questions & ongoing work rather than a clean arrival at ‘knowing’. But a capability to sit with uncertainty doesn’t mean being paralyzed. Indeed, Keats saw it as the hallmark of “a Man of Achievement….. “ From “Unfinished Business” by Melissa Kirsch (NY Times)

🪴 Acceptance. One constant in life is change. Work at accepting that you can’t know every outcome.  It’s OK to say “I don’t know” or ask for more time to think about something (“I’ll get back to you”).
Al-Anon sayings : “Take the action & let go of the result” /// “I know what I know but I can’t know everything.”

🪴 Think BOTH-AND
EXP : “I made a mistake and I’m still learning” /// “It’s hard work and it’s worth the effort”.  Both can be true at the same time.
✒︎ Replace Absolutes : from Always to Sometimes, Never to Often, Impossible to Difficult…

🪴 Self-Compassion and Healthy BOUNDARIES – loosens rigid B & W.
POSTS : I KNOW WHO I AM      ///  PMES for SELF-CARE

NEXT : __________ CD

PREVIOUS : GROWTH for OverDoing (#4c)
 
SITE : SITE :  11 Tips for Getting & Staying Motivated

5 = Prioritize
6 = Goals

7. MENTAL warrior : Give Yourself Time to Think

🤳🏽 Set Your Intention : Before planning your thinking session, take a moment to jot down your dreams & aspirations for the year or your career. Reflect on achievements that would make you proud. Define specific & realistic goals, visualizing the satisfaction of accomplishing them during your retreat. Lower the stakes, viewing your creative ‘retreat’ (time out) as the beginning of a larger, fulfilling project or a new way of life.

🧠 Capture Ideas Systematically : Transform your creative thoughts into actionable insights by taking meticulous notes. Whether using pen & paper for a disconnected experience or a digital system, document your ideas with the seriousness they deserve. Invest energy in put ideas in categories, scheduling time for synthesizing & reflecting on your generated ideas.

🏝️ Change Your Environment :  From time to time put yourself in a new & different setting. Eliminating external demands & judgments encourages original ideas by being able to draw on your natural curiosity & unique experiences. Whether working from home, a co-working space, or a nature retreat, changing your physical location improves lateral thinking, helping to make more confident & playful idea-associations.

😌 Strategic Breaks: Embrace your full self, including the body, in the creative process. During your thinking retreat, take reflective walks while focusing on a specific topic, letting your mind wander while in motion. Have fun with physical activities that might feel awkward in the office. Boost creativity with activities like brisk jogging or swimming, harnessing the benefits of increased endorphins & cognitive skills. It’s during these times of rest & quiet that creativity blossoms, resulting in better productivity.

⛔️ Truly Disconnect : Break free from digital addiction by actively unplugging during your thinking ‘retreat’. Turn off devices, use apps to limit distracting access, maybe even lock your phone away. Replace the digital fix with hands-on activities like doodling, puzzles or outdoor creations (gardening…. )  Disconnecting lets your unconscious mind work, paving the way for authentic & artistic ideas. Consider joining with a friend for support, who is able to be encouraging without being a distraction.

8. WORK / OFFICE  / HOME
Establishing a realistic work schedule starts with defining your working hours – based on your most productive time of day along with the demands of the job. Be realistic about what you can achieve within these hours & set boundaries to protect your personal time. It’s important to be strict about starting & ending your workday at the same time.

When possible, consider implementing flexible scheduling or flex time to better accommodate your personal needs & improve your overall work-life balance.  Limit internet & emails after work. And be willing to unplug completely after work hours – turn off text notifications & resist the urge to check in.

Use Vacation Days – Aside from taking breaks during work hours, make full use of your allotted time off. Plan vacation time in advance, clearly communicating this with your manager. Vacations are meant to help you relax & rejuvenate, preventing burnout.

re. Family or Work Groups  – Instead of constantly checking up on others out of worry, set regular check-in times, like team stand-ups or a weekly date night with your partner. Creating these scheduled “containers” can reduce the urge to constantly monitor how others are doing.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help  & be specific about where & when it’s needed. Whether at work or in your personal life, getting support & delegating tasks can relieve some of the pressure daily life.
Surround yourself with a network of people who understand & respect your boundaries. Practice open communication with family, friends & colleagues.
ALSO = Ask them directly where your support has been helpful to them, & where they would prefer to manage independently.

Time for Family & Friends – Plan important family events & social activities, making them just as important as work meetings or deadlines.  They provide necessary breaks from business stress, recharging emotional & mental energy that improves thinking & functioning when returning to work.

Cultivate Hobbies – Having a good work-life balance isn’t just about having more time for your family & friends. It means creating time for yourself as well. Devote space each week for something you love to do.
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 NEXT : 

PREVIOUS: GROWTH for OverDoing (#4c)

SITE : <—— …. A Step-by-Step Guide

CORRECT Over-functioning (cont)

1= Self-Awareness
2= NOT perfect
3= Boundaries
4= Health

5. PRIORITIZE (cont)
• To effectively set priorities for work tasks throughout the day & week you need a realistic & practical approach to integrating work & personal life. Start by identifying all tasks & categorizing them based on urgency & importance, using tools like the Eisenhower Box or a simple priority list.

Set aside time to organize & review what’s happening in your week so you can cut down on tasks that take up too much time but don’t have a lot of value. Start by identifying all tasks & categorizing them based on urgency & importance,

TIME : Avoid the temptation to over-commit by focusing on a few key activities rather than spreading yourself too thin. Do not list more than you can accomplish in the day. Chose your target tasks & make your best effort to finish them throughout the day  If you never can – it tells you that the list is too long &/or the tasks are simply ot realistically do-able!

Improving time-management skills is essential to maximize productivity & achieve a better work-life balance.
NOTE : Since many ACAs have a distorted sense of time, use your phone or an actual egg timer clock – to identify how long various activities take : washing dishes, getting dressed, eating a meal, making the bed, taking a shower or bath, laundry, driving somewhere usual, a medical appointment, a phone conversation, exercise…..
🫶🏽 Include time for 12-Step meetings, plus any other daily routine for mental health & spiritual growth

Regularly keep track of how long tasks take.  While each type may vary from day to day depending on your current situation, keep a log for a month & then take the average as your overall guide.
🤓 This is crucial to know – so you can plan your day accurately.

EXP : The Pomodoro Technique suggests to set a timer for 25 min. & work on a specific task. Take a short break (5 min) , then repeat. After every 4th round, take a longer break (15 – 30 min).

6. Set Realistic GOALS
Set realistic, achievable goals that align with your values, stretch your abilities, & feel meaningful — not just impressive. Whether it’s learning a skill, deepening relationships, or pursuing a long-held dream, good goal-setting bridges the gap between “someday” and “today.”
IMP: They do not reward short term burnout-based activity, but instead promote long-term consistency.

📌 It’s important to reflect on why you’ve set certain goals for yourself, & why you spend your time the way you do. Most over-doers are a victim of a productivity paradox, being on autopilot , because they don’t have self-awareness (see 4a) – not regularly checking in with themself.

Understanding the different types of goals helps tremendously : Contribution, long-term, outcome, process, short-term, smart and ‘Everest’ (bold, inspiring). One type is not better than another – rather –  they serve different purposes & can be combined when a task or project is very large.

Effective goals have to be specific enough to guide action (EXP : “write 500 words daily”) & meaningful enough to motivate it. Historical & modern Goal Setting Theories shows that clarity, challenge, & feedback dramatically increase your odds of reaching the desired outcome. They’re not just academic – they’re blueprints for designing goals that actually work.

Always think in terms of Process  (via Al-Anon 3 As). Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Micro habits can help  to fight your impulse to pursue productivity at all costs.
💚a. chip away at goals by starting small, taking stock of your to-dos on a given week & doing one less thing.
💚 b. more challenging is doing just one task at a time – while putting your phone down. Try not to multi-task – but this can be much harder for parents of young children.

Technology: Take advantage of software such as calendars, to-do lists, & apps like Notion, Evernote, and Trello, that help organize your work process.   These apps can also be combined, making it easier to keep everything in one place. Some even offer time-tracking software to manage your working hours more effectively.

SITE :  6 different useful worksheets
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PREVIOUS: OverDoing GROWTH (#4

SITE : “How to Set Enforceable Priorities With People”

CORRECT Over-functioning (cont)

BTW : A fully ‘differentiated’ person separates out Self’ from Other and Thoughts from Feelings (emotions), so they can have thoughts about their feelings & feelings about their thoughts.  They don’t get caught up in over-doing as a life-pattern.
They’re able to respond to life based on all the information available to them instead of ignoring what’s uncomfortable or painful. They have healthy boundaries between Self & an Other, making their relationships (with the right people) rich & satisfying.

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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : ACoA Over-Doers in Relationships (#3a)

SITEs : 🔹” Weighing the cost of over-functioning”

🔹Under & Over-functioning in Relationships: A Bowen Family Systems Approach”

Over-doing (O=D)  /O-functioning creates a reinforcing system deepening an unhealthy codependent pattern. It fuels chronic stress & burnout while corroding the connection. The over-doer becomes trapped in a cycle of anxiety-driven responsibility.

CONSEQUENCES to the relationship – of O-D
👫 Anxiety & control behaviors — Over-doing often stems from anxiety – if you’re afraid things will go wrong, you try yo prevent it, but this perpetuates the cycle

Attachment cycle trap — Emotional over-doers pair with under-doers, creating an anxious-avoidant cycle  – where you the anxious partner feels on-edge while your avoidant one feels overwhelmed & pressured 

• Blocks partner autonomy — By constantly taking responsibility for others’ actions, you’re stifling their ability to grow, learn & develop problem-solving skills, leaving them less self-reliant

Creates ‘directiveness’ — The over-doer gradually considers their partner as “not quite as good”,  relating in a directive, controlling way rather than as an equal 

Emotional exhaustion — By constantly taking on more than your share of emotional & practical work, you eventually hit a wall of exhaustion, so you too become stressed, anxious, & overwhelmed 

Enables Dependency — When you over-do, the other person has little incentive to contribute equally. This creates dependency, as if you’re a parent rather than a partner

• Intimacy deterioration — You’ll end up feeling alone, overwhelmed, & frustrated, while the under-doer can feel infantilized & incompetent, creating emotional distance 

Justification masks reality — When someone repeatedly shows you their ability to function, make decisions… & you keep over-riding & ignoring the proof, you’re not treating then as the person they actually, which is insulting

Loss of Self — When you spend so much energy managing someone else’s needs, you lose track of your own needs, & personal boundaries. While thinking you’re doing the ‘right thing’ you’re undercutting your self-esteem & losing your identity

Relationship instability — This dynamic  may have started with good intentions, but if continued will always lead to resentment as you feel your efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated, breeding frustration & anger, burnout & a lack of mutual growth, threatening the relationship’s survival

Repetitive conflict cycles — When partners feel misunderstood by each other, their disagreements & arguments go on & on, without clear resolution or change 

Stifles Personal Growth —By constantly taking responsibility for anothers’ actions, you’re stifling their ability to grow & learn. You prevents them from developing their problem-solving skills & becoming more self-reliant.
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CHANGING the PATTERN : Finding Balance is Key
❤️‍🩹  Acknowledge the Pattern  – that overdoing is part of your relational behavior. Seriously, deeply think about the roots of the issue, such as anxiety, a need for control, & fear of abandonment.

❤️‍🩹 Communicate Your Needs — One reasons over-dong is that they have a hard time knowing, expressing & proving their own needs.
Once you can identify them, practice asking for them from your partner. Talk about how you two can share the load more evenly.

❤️‍🩹 Delegate & Share Responsibilities — A balanced relationship requires both partners to contribute equally. Start handing over some of your duties, so the other person can step up – even if they don’t do it perfectly (your way). Accepting imperfection is one key to letting go of over-doing.

❤️‍🩹 Set & Respect Boundaries  — Another key to stopping is implementing healthy boundaries. Define where your part ends & the other person’s begin. It will help you regain your sense of self & encourage mutual respect. EXP: don’t help with your partner’s problems unless they specifically ask for your input.

❤️‍🩹 Practice Self-Compassion  — It’s easy to be hard on yourself when you realize you’ve been over-doing, but it’s important to practice self-kindness, acceptance & patience. Over-doing may come from caring & wanting to keep things running smoothly. Take credit for wanting to learn & grow. Making changes is a slow process. so Be Gentle with yourself as you make the effort.

NEXT : Over-Doing GROWTH (#1)

PREVIOUS :  Over-doing  (#2c)

SITE : “Cycle of Over-functioning and Distancing” 

Based on : Scout.Yahoo.com

OVER-Doing (O-D)
Over-functioning in relationships creates an imbalance when one partner takes on too much or most of the emotional, mental & practical responsibility (PMES).  It leads to exhaustion, resentment & eroded intimacy for both. This pattern often masks underlying anxiety, showing up as a deep need to be controlling. It’s a sign of deeper relational issues being played out, such as unstable attachment wounds,  codependency, relational trauma….

Over-doing is responsibility has been absorbed by someone.  While it may “feel” like love or being responsible, it gradually damages the couple’s partnership by eating away at the foundation.
Growth requires space.  Healthy relationships are based on give-&-take. Even when things are not always ‘perfectly’ balanced, long-term there’s an easy ebb & flow.

However, when one person in a relationship consistently over-functions, it doesn’t stay personal – it becomes structural. the system adapts around it, the relationship re-organizing itself so that one person keeps carrying most or all the emotional, logistical & relational weight. This isn’t usually conscious or malicious. The system stabilizes around whoever handles the most, trying to be efficient within the dysfunction.

If one person keeps over-doing, the other(s) will keep under-doing. Not because they can’t but because this system quietly rewards imbalance.  The more you anticipate needs, smooth tension, rescue outcomes, & regulate the emotional field, the less space there is for others to grow (mate, children, co-workers / employees….).

With time, responsibility becomes invisible labor – when it’s not named, acknowledged or shared,  becoming the ingrained background operating system of the relationship. So resentment becomes inevitable. The longer it runs this way, the harder it is to interrupt without discomfort. Interesting : the over-functioning partner keeps going in silence. It’s the under-functioning one who complains.  (from J. Mike Field)

Some SIGNS of Over-Doing because —>  YOU FEEL :
♥︎ afraid, constantly scanning the environment looking for signs of trouble you have to handle – fast, or else
♥︎ you have to prioritize their comfort over your own, then get secretly resentful, but keep going to keep the peace
♥︎ the compulsion to anticipate /know their needs, before they express them (OR maybe don’t actually need OR don’t want)
FEEL
♥︎ responsible for ‘fixing’ their emotions, even when they haven’t asked for support or help
♥︎ annoyed or angry when they want to relax or take time to do something without you (not about cheating)
♥︎ anxious &/or guilty if/when you step back, assume things will fall apart without your constant vigilance & efforts
♥︎ judgmental when they actually help to do something you need or want —> but their way (wrong way by you)
OR – resentful that they never offer to help, or refuse 

EXAMPLES of relationship IMBALANCE
As the OVER-DOER, you’re Always the one who :
☀︎ is taken advantage of, accommodating to their schedules & goals, their wants / demands / expectations (no mutual effort)
☀︎ reaches out to connect, initiates communication &/or intimacy, constantly afraid they will leave
☀︎ acts as parent or therapist, listening to their problems & giving advice, even when they’re just dumping, but never sharing your own needs & feelings
WHO
☀︎ makes all the plans & arrangements, co-ordinates family/ friends / work dinners…. Works to be sure everyone has a good time.  Even when you’re tired, ill, burnt out or just don’t want to
☀︎ says YES to requests (or demands) from them – afraid to say NO, so they won’t be angry (see Laundry List)
☀︎ spends lots of time apologizing, making excuses for their hurtful / bad / unhealthy behavior
☀︎ (if single) travels to meet the other, but they never come to you
☀︎  when making future plans, assumes they’ll be part if it – although they don’t (even hint it! “I’m not sure where I’ll be / what I’m going to do….”) ⁠
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Over-Doing (#2a)

POSTS : Work STYLES (#1-4)

PROCESS of Over-Doing (based on M. Mantell info)
Stage 1: Rich — when the activity feels so very enjoyable. When over-indulging in the original thing (food, project, new love….), it feels exciting, delicious, eliminates anxiety….
But this intensity will NOT last.

EXP: The first week Jen went away to college (at 17) she went exploring the town on her own. While grocery shopping for dorm snacks she bought several packages of dried apricots. They were ‘too expensive’ for mom to ever get, so now she had the freedom. On the way back she ate 3 of the packs. It was wonderful, delicious/’sinful’ & very sweet. But she got a quite sick from all that sugar, & never wanted another died apricot.

Stage 2: Signs to slow down
If it’s a work task or project, a not-s0-new love affair…. you start getting sensations in the body to slow down (losing focus, headaches, lower back pain, sleeplessness…). If you’re aware enough to recognize the subtle changes, ASK :  Am I still running on an outdated fantasy or a realistic mental goal? What’s my present-moment need?

Stage 3: Need a break — when the ‘thing’ you were so excited about is starting to hurt. Usually, the signs at this stage are hard to ignore, but if you really try, you definitely can. Sadly, ACoAs were trained to be numb to both physical & emotional signals, especially the painful ones! So you try to tough it out. It’s a matter of pride – “I can handle anything!” (no matter the cost).

Stage 4: Overdone!
If you ignore Stage 3 alerts & keep pushing, you’ll get over-done, like a burned dinner. Your body starts to panic & everything in you is screaming to take space. You end up sluggish, depressed & maybe sleep too much.

Stage 5: Slowly re-integrate
If you finally take the space = either because you honestly admit you needed to, or your body forced you to = you take as long a break as needed —> to recover. Spend that time to evaluate your patterns, motives & choices.

📌 Work at NOT going back into Stage 1. This can sneak up on you if there’s something very different you get obsessed with! & you haven’t yet caught on to – & corrected – the underlying issues driving the compulsion.

BURNOUT Symptoms (VERYWELL Health)
If you don’t catch the signs of over-doing early,  you end up totally depleted. This can look different for each of us, but a very good indicator that productivity has turned toxic includes feeling low-self worth from co-dependent people-pleasing, because of never living your truth by acting authentically.
At its most extreme, you’re burnt out so badly you actually have a melt-down & have to quit work / career for weeks or months, to recuperate.
BUT did you learn your lesson & change?

🔻 Creating conflicts = over-extending yourself at home, arguing, criticizing, sudden anger outbursts, forgetting to do routine things or that were promised…..

🔻 Finding it hard to get up in the morning, & tired ‘round-the-clock’. One of the most recognized symptoms of burnout & considered the “core” of the syndrome

🔻 Feeling Dread & Lack of Motivation =  The “Work in America” survey found that 26% of U.S. workers aren’t motivated to do their best, & 18% feel ineffective

🔻 Feeling Useless, with Depression = feeling like you can’t do anything right, & a loss of interest in any activities, affecting your efficacy (ability to get work done)

🔻 Lack of Focus or Concentration = while at any task – you’re confused, & your mind wanders easily – making it hard to complete actions, no matter how easy they normally are

🔻 Physical problems = severe back pain / muscle spasms, restless sleep, headaches, stomach pains & appetite changes —— either too much or too little

🔻 Being more Negative than you used to be, & much more Impatient with loved ones & customers, even about little unimportant ‘stuff’

🔻Not performing well at work = ignoring assignments, lateness, many mistakes, arguing, having an ‘attitude’, taking on more responsibilities, constantly offering to help others

🔻 Unhealthy Behaviors = turning to harmful pacifiers  (alcohol, drugs, comfort foods, indiscriminate sex, over-exercising….)

🔻 Vision Changes  = prolonged stress can : raise intraocular pressure, cause blurriness, dryness, floaters, light sensitivity….

NEXT : Over-doing : GROWTH

PREVIOUS : SLOW DOWN

SITE : “Stop Overdoing Your Strengths” – very extensive (Harvard Biz Review)

BOOK : “Do Nothing” (by @celesteheadlee)

If you feel like this poem too – you may be stuck in a cycle of toxic productivity – typical of many ACoAs, a  form of “not-enoughness”. This can drive us to act in ways that don’t align with what really matters to us. We subconsciously keep busy by compulsively working to avoid dealing with painful emotions,  & issues in our current & past reality.
Here again is another aspect of how we use/ misuse TIME.

“Creative Hopelessness” of Toxic Productivity – an ACT term for waking up to the reality that what we are doing (over & over) isn’t working. (ACT =Acceptance & Commitment Therapy — about psychological flexibility).
Over-functioning is a classic wounded response formed during a toxic childhood. Being over-controlled, seriously neglected, &/OR trying to keep a chaotic household afloat,  ACoAs take on too much responsibility at a very young age.

Of course, then we continue the pattern as adults — until we have enough Recovery to set appropriate boundaries on our actions. It’s a common but often overlooked reaction to internal or external stress, feeling compelled to “do more” as a way of coping — trying to manage & control many things that are actually not ours to handle.
Most people on the productivity wheel are on autopilot – from not being self-aware – by not checking in with themself regularly OR at all . Over time, it leads to PMES burnout AND damaged relationships caused by letting others under-function & become too reliant on us.

Toxic beliefs in the WIC creating anxiety : I FEEL
🥺 afraid there’s not enough for me
⚡️alone & long for people to see my value
⚡️anxious when I’m still (nothing to do)
⚡️guilty when I take time off
⚡️sad that I’m not where I “should” be in life
⚡️scared that I’m going to be left behind
⚡️ shame that I’m not enough. (add your own)

As mentioned in the previous post,  the illusion is that we must be constantly ‘productive” to have any value at all ! much less to reach goals. Ironically this belief actually derails our dreams.
So it’s important to figure out why we get caught in overdoing.
📌 Notice why you’ve set certain goals for yourself, what’s their purpose & how do you spend your time. ASK :
— When it feels like I’m not doing enough, what do I do?
— How is this working? AND What price do I have to pay?

Our native biology is doing its job when we’re low on reserves —> the brain is designed to shift into ‘drive mode’ when it seems we don’t have enough resources & need to compete for scarce goods (food, shelter, a mate).
Unfortunately : present-day messaging (broad media, social media, education…. ) floods our drive system with messages that we aren’t doing enough, are being left out (FoMo),  don’t measure up, & are falling behind.

TOXIC Productivity
Toxic productivity is based on the deep-rooted conviction that you only have value from what you produce. So – if you’re always the person responsible for getting things done at home & at work, you may think you’re more in control, highly competent, & a valued member of your team or family.
HOWEVER, it :
º causes you to miss sleep & meals so you can work more
º ‘considers’ downtime as a waste instead of recovery time
º guilt trips you into not resting or taking breaks
º ignores or minimizes physical warning signs like headaches, fatigue, increased irritability, elevated resting heart rate
º promotes the habit of always being in ‘hustle mode’, at the expense of normal human and personality needs

You know it’s toxic when YOU :
♠︎  don’t have hobbies, a healthy social life or take vacations — because all your focus is on work or career (and money?)
♠︎  minimize or deny your real successes
♠︎  often feel work-related insecurity or guilt
♠︎  sacrifice time needed for yourself, family & friends – for the sake of productivity
♠︎   set your expectations unrealistically high, both for yourself & for the work
♠︎  undervalue or ignore your own physical, mental & emotional health

NEXT : OVER-DOING (2b)