SIGNS of ONGOING Narcissistic ABUSE (#2)

PREVIOUS : Questions for Victims

SITE: “Mental & Emotional Abuse if Real” 

 

SYMPTOMS of N. ABUSE
These apply to You (the victim) in relation to your N partner (either gender)


YOU:

are not allowed to grow
People need to develop, in order to become their best self. An insecure partner will tend to discourage this – lest you gain wisdom, & then see their weaknesses & want to leave. If you give in to their fears, you sacrifice a valuable part of your identity

become tense around your significant other (S.O.)
It’s normal to feel anxious while you are fighting, but not all the time. Your relationship should feel like a soft place to land – anytime – especially after a long, hard day

 believe you can’t do anything right
This means your partner is taking your good qualities for granted – & happy to make use of them – while totally focusing on your flaws. Nobody’s perfect, but a partner who chips away at your self-esteem is being cruel
YOU:
develop dissociation as a survival mechanism
This is emotional & physically numbing in the face of horrific circumstances, like an alcoholic blackout but without drinking – an actual detachment from your surroundings, with gaps in memory, perceptions, consciousness & sense of self.
In this state, mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions & repressed awareness become escapes from current reality

✦ don’t ‘feel like yourself’
This is a major sign that you’re compromising your identity & integrity for the sake of the relationship. To accommodate an abusive partner, you eventually negatively adjust your behavior & self-perception – to prove you ‘really do care’. These self-denying changes cause you to lose a sense of self, leaving you confused & empty

✦ fantasize about (or try) suicide, or engage in self-harm instead
Along with depression & anxiety comes creeping hopelessness, having developed “learned helplessness”. Victims of domestic violence are 2x as likely to try suicide, & multiple times. It’s the way your partner can commit the ‘perfect’ murder – without being held accountable
YOU:
find yourself avoiding your S.O. – or notice them avoiding you
Taking some time to be alone is healthy. However, if you usually dread spending time with this person, it means they’re not safe to be with

habitually lie to each other
Often lying to your partner means – either you’re doing something you know isn’t ‘kosher’, or you know they won’t accept something legitimate & positive you’re doing for yourself or the kids

have the same arguments over & over
This usually represents deeper problems than the annoyance or criticism on hand. It can also mean one or both of you don’t communicate appropriately, OR one doesn’t want to deal with the issue, causing distress to the other
YOU:
(one or both) suffer from serious jealousy
This is a huge red flag. Accusations of infidelity or lack of attention is not a sign of love, or even of passion – only throwing childish tantrums. Jealousy indicates personal immaturity, insecurity, & lack of trust in the partner (especially when UNjustified)

✦ put aside your basic needs & desires
The partner’s happiness is more important than your own, so you sacrifice emotional, even physical safety to please the abuser. Trying desperately to please someone so they won’t leave you, is exhausting & pathetic

✦ romanticize the past
This is a subtle sign of dysfunction, but a very important one. Healthy people enjoy looking back on good times. But, if you live in the past because your future imaginings look like more of the same misery, you’re in the wrong place
YOU:
walk on eggshells
Forced to avoid whatever will set the abuser off again -to stave off their rage. But it never actually works, since they want to use you as an emotional punching bag. So you’re constantly anxious about accidentally ‘provoking’ your abuser, trying to prevent confrontations

withdraw from everyone & isolate
Just the 2 of you in your cocoon of distrust. You feel ashamed about the abuse, & assume no one will understand or believe you anyway. Unfortunately, victims can be re-traumatized by law enforcement, family, friends & the N’s harem members who won’t validate your experiences

NEXT : Signs of Ongoing Abuse (#3)

SIGNS of ONGOING Narcissistic ABUSE (#1)

 

PREVIOUS : Narcs seducing Empaths – 20 stages (Part 2)

BOOK : “The Body Keeps the Score” ∼ Dr. Van der Kolk (with reviews)

 

 

 

 

ABUSED MEN
Men are mistreated at home far more often than we might expect – in both straight & gay relationships. In some cases the abuse can instead come from an elderly parent, or a disturbed teen.
It happens to men from all cultures & all walks of life, regardless of age or occupation. Figures suggest that as many as 1 in 3 victims of domestic violence are male.

Abusers can have a ‘dual diagnosis’, being severely narcissistic and active alcoholics &/or drug addicts, severely mentally &/or physically ill, have PTSD….. (Abusive elderly parents…. )

Men are reluctant to report abuse for some of the same reasons that women don’t.
And the types of abuse they experience are similar to the list below, including:
✦ The N controls how you spend money, or deliberately defaults on joint financial obligations
(See : N’s financial abuses”)
✦ Takes away car keys or locks you out for hours
✦ Prevents you from getting medical help or hides your medications ….
✦ Makes false allegations about you to employers, family, friends, the police…. anything to isolate you.   (More…. with help-suggestions)

↘️ GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS NEXT : Ongoing abuse #2

SIGNS of Narcissistic ABUSE – REVIEW

 

PREVIOUS :
What not to do with Ns, #4

SITEs : “What happens when you Stat Ignoring a Narcissist ?”

♟ “What happens when a narcissist see that he can’t destroy you?

 

Denial is our frenemy. It is naturally the child’s first & only defense. Being helpless & dependent makes it safer & less scary to deny extreme, continual deficiencies in & abuses from parents & other caregivers, than to ‘see’ what the child is actually experiencing.
And as adults, following the same patterns, it may feel safer to blame ourselves for problems than question the integrity of people we depend on for our survival. 

As long as we’re in denial, we repeat unhealthy patterns, failing to protect ourselves & those we love from further abuse. Breaking denial about a parent, spouse, or other important relationship is the first & often most difficult step in the Recovery process. But crucial.

 

 

 

NEXT : Signs of ongoing N-abuse , #1

What NOT to do with NARCISSISTS (Part 4)

PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (Part 3)

 

 

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont) 

✋🏼 DO NOT attend couples counseling with a NPD
BECAUSE it’s a scam to keep you hooked. Don’t be fooled by their agreement to go, since it’s bound to fail. They’ll triangulate with the therapist, be sooo charming or portray themselves as the victim, & use everything you say in therapy to further gaslight & retaliate between sessions.
Unwary therapists will address the Victim’s reactions instead of the abuse itself, & risk re-traumatizing the survivor. Since NPDs refuse to take any personal responsibility for their beliefs & actions, they don’t outgrow their patterns.

Many NPDs won’t even try counseling, totally blaming their partner. But if they do, it won’t last & then they can say manipulatively:
“See, therapy didn’t work – YOU’re not any better. So there’s no point in continuing”, OR
“It’s too expensive. Besides, the doc doesn’t know what he/she is talking about.” or when they quit, say :
“I tried, so you can’t blame me” (after only a few sessions)

And
don’t talk about what you’re planning – especially if it includes leaving. It’ll just give them the time & ammunition to sabotage & then derail you, often getting ‘help’ from the therapist to do it.

🙀 🙀 🙀
NOTE from Dr. Ramani Durvasula
In reality, these last 4 points can’t always -OR ever- be avoided. So this info is to help you know what to expect, & prepare yourself & your Inner Child, using Recovery tools (12-Step meeting, literature, prayer, phone & text calls…. )

✋🏼 DO NOT attend family activities (yours or theirs)
BECAUSE it’s another opportunity to take you look like the crazy one or the b–ch. The N can too easily rile you up behind closed doors to make you seem unhinged or emotional to their family & friends, while they play the calm, collected partner.

To show others you’re not ‘the problem’ they’ve heard about, make sure you stay calm, smile a lot, tell about your accomplishments & only talk about facts – never emotions. And don’t complain about the N.
Vent your frustration & rage privately, in Program, therapy, your journal, in prayer…. Use these suggestions for the next 3 as well.

✋🏼 DO NOT attend get-togethers with the N
BECAUSE – among other things – it’s an opportunity for the N to triangulate by flirting with others in front of you, to get you to vie for the N’s attention.
The only ‘value’ in going – is to see how they interact with others. Attending social gatherings with the N. can cause much pain & a sense of alienation as he/she charms the crowd while devaluing you

✋🏼 DO NOT have celebrations with them
BECAUSE if you do – the N will most likely sabotage events such as your birthday, special celebrations or holidays. They’re infamous for ruining situations where you would be the center of attention & make you happy. If you have to ‘share’ these moments, make sure your support people are present as well

‘Special’ events also includes important deadlines, a work interview….. Do not let the N know when these are happening, since it means potentially losing power over you. They’ll deliberately rattle you so much – often using unrelated issues – that you may ruin it yourself!

✋🏼 DO NOT travel with them
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be shocked at how horrendous it can turn out. This is very familiar to anyone growing in an alcoholic family!

As adults, ‘dream vacations’ may initially be part of love bombing, but end up opportunities for the N to isolate & degrade the partner. Beside drinking alcoholically & triangulation with anyone, they’ll want to eliminate any witnesses – to ‘groom’ you to always expect verbal & psychological abuse.

Narcissists are notorious for abandoning their victims in foreign countries, making dream destinations a trip to hell, include the most special one – their honeymoon.

NEXT:

What NOT to do with NARCISSISTS (Part 3)

 

PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (Part 2)

SITE : Will they ever change?

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont) 

✋🏼DO NOT assume shared values
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be constantly confused. “Why did they do this or say that?” You can not use rational thinking & normal social rules to understand Ns. They operate from a different world view, & accepting that is the only way to deal with them

✋🏼 DO NOT not give or receive money
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always get screwed. That includes:
– depending on them, accepting financial ‘help’ or moving in together
– not making large purchases together, accepting large gifts
– signing contracts, such as a lease or business venture
– not getting a pet or having children with them, if possible

There is no such thing as a ‘free lunch’ with an abuser. ANY financial (& emotional) ties to a N will only work against you in the long run. You’ll be the one paying, in more ways than one  (POST: “N’s Financial abuses“)

✋🏼 DO NOT expect loyalty
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be continually disappointed & hopeless. Normals are stunned at how quickly & easily Ns dump a friend, lover….  when they’re not getting ‘fed’. Their shaky sense of self gives their needs a life-or-death quality, so they have to move on to a new supply (person) – fast. Ns use language as tools & weapons rather than to tell the truth. When they expressed undying love & faithfulness, they were lying.

✋🏼 DO NOT keep falling for their lines
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll end up trapped in The Matrix or Westworld. Notice how they say the same things over & over – about everything – even using the exact same words, like it’s on a disk!
You keep hoping you’ll get back to those early glory days when you were soooo happy with the N. But since that was a con job, it won’t. However, if you start getting wise & pulling away they’ll temporarily revert to an earlier charming ploy. If that doesn’t work they may rage.

✋🏼 DO NOT accept their false accusations
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll become more & more depressed, isolated, self-hating, even paranoid. Their lies are often said behind your back, to your boss, with friends, even family, & especially to your children. Ns are emotionally dyslexic – shamelessly accusing you of traits they know they’re guilty of. They need to make you think you’re wrong & they’re perfect.

✋🏼 DO NOT ask them for help in a crisis
BECAUSE if you do – you’re sure to be let down. It’s not unusual to hear horror stories from survivors callously abandoned or bullied by their N during the worst moments of their lives, in times of grief, loss or life-threatening illness.

A variation is Narcissistic Ghosting, when a N promises to help with a project or difficulty, but never shows up nor texts to cancel. Later they act as if nothing bad happened. 

✋🏼 DO NOT let them confront you, without you having documentation
BECAUSE Ns are really great at talking in circles, lying, changing the subject & reciting all your faults & mistakes –
but NEVER any of their own, so they come out smelling like a rose – to anyone who doesn’t know them.

Situations you need proof for can include years of private manipulation, business & personal negotiation, physical & sexual abuse, harassment or stalking.

Documentation is imperative if you’re going to bring a legal case against an abuser, or to resist their gaslighting & hoovering attempts. Don’t take phone calls, sticking to e-mail, text or voicemail, but in-person meetings should always include bringing someone trustworthy with you as witness.

NEXT: DON’Ts – #4

What NOT to do with NARCISSISTS (Part 2)


PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (# 1)

SITE : When it’s all About THEM


REMEMBER
: YOU can NOT get a totally blind person (Ns) to see

 

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont)

✋🏼 DO NOT pay constant attention
BECAUSE if you focus on everything they do & say you’ll become totally distracted from your own needs & goals.  Don’t let yourself be unsettled by the N’s constant ‘attention seeking’. Create firm boundaries, while acknowledging the N’s desires without always giving in

✋🏼DO NOT personalize what they do
BECAUSE all their patterns are about THEM – never about you! Yes it effects you, but until you get it, you’ll feel bad about yourself.

Taking personally what Ns do or say grants them real estate in your mind & heart, which is exactly what they want. They’ll target anyone who happens to cross their path. While their worst abuse is often reserved for those closest to them, no-one is immune. It’s not personal, just what they do.

✋🏼 DO NOT try to justify or explain yourself
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll just make a fool of yourself. Ns like to undermine & see you squirm. Explaining your emotions or justifying beliefs & opinions is a waste of time. They’re not listening – only interested in winning, not communicating.

Do not defend yourself ever – but especially to a N, who will try hard to make you doubt what you’ve experienced or heard them do & say. Ns use attack questions or sarcasm to put others on the defensive so you’ll feel the need to explain your very right to be alive

✋🏼DO NOT minimize their outrageous behavior
BECAUSE if you do – it will wear a hole in your mind & spirit. Ns’ total self-absorption takes up all the psychic oxygen in the room. Over time, people constantly exposed to NPDs become inured (numb) to how badly they’re being harmed. Ns deceive, manipulate & humiliate others. Don’t whitewash or excuse them & never ignore how dysfunctional their words & actions are

✋🏼 DO NOT expect them to own their part
BECAUSE otherwise you’ll drive yourself ‘crazy’ trying to convince the N. It’s a waste of time to make them be accountable for unhealthy behavior. They only take credit & give blame, never apologize or admit responsibility. They see their accomplishments & successes as a ‘special’ talent, so their flaws have to get projected on to others

✋🏼 DO NOT give in to their love-bombing attempts
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll get conned into thinking they care about YOU. Their overwhelming attention is actually the way Ns fast-forward false emotional & physical intimacy.

It’s meant to manufacture a quick connection so they can ‘feed’ on you. Don’t let them. Don’t respond right away to every text, call or request for in-person meetings – to give yourself time & space to think

✋🏼 DO NOT give them ammunition
BECAUSE if you do – they’ll use anything you divulge to humiliate & control you, especially when you’re most vulnerable or in need. The more personal information you share – especially in the early ‘pink cloud’ days of a relationship – the more ammunition they’ll have to use against you!

That means – don’t talk about your deepest wounds, fears, insecurities & traumas. Everything will inevitably be thrown back at you to paint you as unstable, crazy or ‘losing it’. It may be a personal tidbit you mentioned in passing or a deep ‘truth’ you shared in confidence.

And they will, even if not right away. They can attack when you least expect it, when they’re angry at you about something – especially when you inadvertently displeased them, complained about something they did or didn’t do, or just weren’t paying them any attention.

NEXT : What NOT to do (Part 3)

What NOT to do with NARCISSISTS (Part 1)


PREVIOUS : What Ns want you to be #3

SITE : Narcissistic Love vs Unconditional Love

 

 

 

The 3 BIG Don’ts

1. DO NOT try to change them – ever!
BECAUSE No-one can change another person, but especially a N, who doesn’t see anything wrong with themselves.

Unhealthy co-deps are deeply afraid of feeling abandoned by others, & don’t believe that have any options because they’re not worthy & believe they don’t have any effect on the world.
So if a N chooses us, we’re grateful, since we think no-one else will ever want us, then we’ll be alone forever if we leave.

2. DO NOT fall for the “poor suffering” N game
WHY? BECAUSE it’s a con-job – to get you to do all the internal work in their life for them, so they never have to.
Take the time to find out who they really are, before you commit yourself – emotionally, financially, friend-wise career-wise…..

Ask other people who know them a long time(especially ex-s), work with or for them, their siblings…..Pay attention to the Red Flags – what they’re telling you about themselves (every one does).

Also, how you feel physically & emotionally when you’re with them AND after being around them. Are you angry & drained? Do you look forward to their company, or dead it?

3. DO NOT try to save them from themselves
BECAUSE = a. You can’t & they won’t let you
b. their armor is too thick to penetrate
c. their denial is fool-proof (you being the fool)
d. their self-destructiveness is deep-seated 
e. to ‘get better’ they’d have to be introspective & take responsibility, but NPDs never will
f. they love to destroy others as well
💠

😱DO NOT underestimate the power of narcissism (N)
BECAUSE if you do – it will suck you in to being used in their clever but desperate search for “supply”: to get attention, control, power, sexual conquest, wealth…. Their hunger is bottomless, & the drive to ‘feed’ is so powerful that Ns will even betray people closest to them

With the most severe cases – the NPDs – minor behaviors may shift over time, but their underlying psychological dynamic lasts a lifetime. So hoping narcissists will ever improve is a delusion

✋🏼 DO NOT be confrontational….
….. about anything, or that they’re a N, if possible.
BECAUSE if you do – they’re likely to lash out in rage or punish you in some other way for exposing them. It can be total silence, or major gaslighting or more love-bombing to win you back & make you think they’ve changed. It’ll only keep you stuck in the abuse cycle

✋🏼DO NOT take them at face value
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be left holding an empty shell. All that glitters is not gold. Ns work tirelessly to present a perfect facade of superiority & certainty, to keep others guessing. Underneath, many (but not all) feel empty, insecure & illegitimate. Don’t mistake the mask as an indicator of goodness or truth

✋🏼 DO NOT expect empathy or fairness
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always be left hanging, or worse – keep getting re-traumatized, if you’re an ACoA.
Empathy comes from the assumption that everyone is worthwhile, deserving equal attention & compassion – which Ns do not believe. Their grandiosity & sense of entitlement eliminates consideration, fair-play or reciprocation

✋🏼 DO NOT try to beat them at their own game
BECAUSE they’re much better at one-upmanship than you are. Ns spend all their time perfecting a campaign of self-aggrandizement, carrying out more manipulative actions in a week than most people do all year.
Ns have a mortal fear of being humiliated & feeling inferior. So great energy goes into cultivating ego-boosting sources, at others’ expense

NEXT: Don’t do…. #2

Narcissists & INTIMACY

 
PREVIOUS : Narcissists’ FEARS (#2)

INTIMACY
Genuine intimacy includes trust, understanding & being understood. It relies on endurance, safety, mutuality, respect & transparency. Without appropriate self-disclosure, there can be no intimacy. Anyone in an intimate relationship (beyond sex) can reveal vulnerabilities without expecting it to be used against them.

People with personality disorders (PDs) are afraid of mature intimacy – which requires genuine emotional involvement & being honest with oneself, which N’s are not.
Un-‘educated’ partners of NPDs confuse intimacy & intensity. Ns are extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy, but can turn it on & off as it suits them. When they’re needy, they offer such a  good fake version, which is very appealing, that it’s hard to resist. But when they’ve gotten their hit, they immediately go back to being selfish. Ns are the ultimate users.

Generally, Ns are extremely uncomfortable when ‘normal’ people try to bond with them (neuro-typical significant others = NT S/Os).  So Ns may not recognize that this is the “push” trigger that starts them devaluing the partner or friend, who will never be able to convince the NPD that their fear of intimacy is at the heart of their relationship-problems.

PROCESS of DEVALUING a relationship
💌the N meets a S/O who has the ability to provide the kind of love they crave
💌 the infatuation / idealization phase gets set in motion
💌This creates a euphoria from powerful neuro-chemicals that anesthetizes the N, which temporarily dampen their  reflexive instinct to throw up narcissistic defenses.

📭As the relationship continues, the N’s high wears off (the end of infatuation phase) & they return to their ‘normal’ unhealthy state

🎈Since the S/O (unaware of the N’s internal change) continues to offer unconditional love which the N didn’t get from their parents in childhood, & so can’t trust that anyone else will ever provide

🎁Mature intimacy offered by the S/O comes with the inevitable traveling companion of “vulnerability”, which NPDs cannot tolerate. It exposes old abandonment pain & the fear of future loss, which they’ve never learned to face & deal with (POSTs : “What Recovery Is / Isn’t“)

TRIGGER ALERT
💔
The N is subconsciously triggered when they start to FEEL emotions that come from someone loving them, which are are new & so alien that it causes a great deal of confusion. They feel intimidated & overwhelmed

🤎 This subconsciously sets the N on high alert, potentially being ‘forced’ to experiencing their greatest enemy – emotional pain

😱 In this state of hyper-sensitivity the N can start to experience mounting anxiety, despondence & irritation, with a sense of impending doom – without understanding why

⚡️Before long the N is caught up a Category-5 emotional hurricane of rapidly changing feelings, attacked by the stinging rain of vulnerability-terror

⚡️They’ll convert “softer” feelings toward the S/O into anger, & possibly hatred, with a stronger & stronger urge to get rid of the source of the pain

⚡️The N’s maladaptive defenses prevent them from distinguishing friend from
foe, so they act against their own best interests.
Their subconscious starts whispering an endless stream of self-hating & paranoid intrusive thoughts ➡️, which convince the NPD-sufferer to accuse the S/O of causing their ever-increasing angst & agitation

⚡️The tragic twist is that it’s the S/O’s love that inadvertently triggers the N, by providing them with the very thing they’ve always wanted – mature adult intimacy – but which they’re terrified of trusting in

⚡️Unfortunately, since the N is not consciously aware of what’s going on inside, they inevitably push the S/O away, unable to recognize that their misery has nothing to do with the S/O, who’s done nothing wrong

💔Pushing away people who are truly capable of psychological / spiritual intimacy & love leaves the N even more deprived & ‘starving’, but provides temporary relief from intense anxiety, feeling elated & relieved after unshackling these ‘chains’.
This may temporarily set off depression & isolation, but eventually their emptiness can push the N to start the cycle all over again. Unable to be their own healer & comforter, they need to use other people to “feed off of”.

(SOURCE : Tod Skyler, attorney, 1/20/2020)

 NEXT: N ‘helpers”- BYSTANDERS #1

Narcissists’ FEARS (Part 3)

PREVIOUS  : Narcissists’ FEARS (Part 3)

 

 

❧  Low Status
Many overt Ns relentlessly pursue positions of power & influence – even as far back as high school – such as being class president. It was more than just a popularity contest, & now it’s serious competition to keep accumulating power. Ironically, many Ns seem to want recognition or admiration without any actual accomplishments or achievements, assuming they deserve power because they were ‘destined’ for it.

❧ Not able to communicate
G– forbid a N would be have to be without a cellphone, iPad or any other device – for even a day, much less a week. It would feel like torture & undeserved punishment. They need to be able to contact ‘supply’, people to fill the void in their personality. Not being able to do so weakens the N.

❧ Poor or fading looks
Ns don’t actually have to be good-looking to move through life on their narcapades. Those types can still find, use & discard available sources, just not as high a quality as they think they have a right to.

But if a N starts out attractive, then finds their looks fading, from over-indulgence, illness, accidents…. they won’t be able to keep or compete as well for high-level supply. With a bruised ego, they may decide to spend money or get someone else to pay for physical upgrades, like new clothes, physical enhancements….. whatever will makes the shallow N feel more desirable.  

❧ Poor health
It’s particularly hard on Ns, but they’ll try to make sure to have an ever-present empathetic victim to cater to their needs, & nurse them back to health. If their illness is chronic, & they have a spouse or adult-child they can control, they can have a lifetime slave at their beck & call. Also, active addicts find their continued use an effective way to trauma-bond their supply. 

❧ Remorse
It’s not just that they can’t feel remorse, it’s that they actively refuse to express it – by apologizing. They fiercely reject feeling bad about hurting others, which shows a very deep fear of emotional weakness. Remorse is an acceptance & admission of having made a mistake. For proud & haughty Ns, this is unthinkable.

❧ Self-evaluation
Ns have a false idea of themselves as superior beings, but some part of them knows it’s all a lie, which their mind shields them from facing. To look into this area of their identity would mean confronting everything that’s wrong with their personality, which Ns dread almost more than anything 

❧ Shamed
In the form of Public Humiliation. Ns greatly value social standing & reputation, assuming others think as highly of them as they do of themselves. It’s interesting that Ns fear shame, not guilt – which comes from feeling bad about hurting someone, or doing something wrong – which they don’t.
Being shamed scares Ns because it would mean being threatening their self-image

❧ Your clarity & memory of self
Hi on their NO-list is for you to remember life before you met them. Because it’s one of their bug fears, they’ll use all the manipulative tactics in their arsenal to deaden your awareness & reprogram your mind

❧ Vulnerability, & expressions of Emotions
Narcissists often use cognitive empathy to fake interest in other people’s emotions. They use it to “gain entry” into your vulnerability, to establish a trust & rapport using false kindness & ‘understanding’.
However, they loathe being vulnerable & showing their emotions, seeing these as a sign of weakness. Instead, they use it to take advantage of you when your defenses are down

❧ When you change the status quo
Narcissists hate change when it’s out of their control. When you choose yourself, you choose to remove yourself from abuse. That frustrates them, but you have a right to focus on your healing, even if it makes the N  miserable (temporarily). Do not feel sorry for them – they’ll just replace you.

❧ Death
Ns think of themselves as all-powerful, all-knowing superior beings – even the Coverts, who assume they have the power to harm someone with just their thoughts & feelings!
Death is the ultimate destroyer of even the most powerful, making them like everyone else, realizing all their machinations to stay on top were pointless. Oh Horror!

NEXT:

Narcissists’ FEARS (Part 2)

 

PREVIOUS  : Narcissists’ FEARS (#1)

 

 

What SCARES Narcissists? (cont)

❧ Caught at being a fraud or liar
Ns are famous for lying or exaggerating to make themselves seem important or impressive to others, as well as to make themselves feel better about their status. Since they know they’re stretching the truth they’re secretly worried about being caught. So calling them on their B.S. can set off a rage, a distraction, justifications, or more lies

❧ Commitment
Being in a relationship means a partner will get to know the N, including faults & embarrassments. Letting people see imperfections in their character is unbearable. Also, “sexual narcissism” (usually in men) is about creating a fake idea that they’re much better in bed than they actually are. Long-term relationship will expose any inadequacies in this area too.

❧ Consequences
This is about setting boundaries with a N, stating what will happen if they overstep, & implementing the results you identified ahead of time.
They can’t see when they’re wrong, & can’t understand how anyone would ever think they were.
And even if the N ‘admitted’ a mistake, they simply wouldn’t care. So they over- or under-react to boundaries being set for them, using anger or ‘serious talks’ as a way to intimidate you into backing off

❧ Factual Talk
May Ns use excessive, long-winded language charged with grandiose emotion, spending their whole lives observing the emotional language of other people to their advantage.  They skew reality to meet their worldview, & believe their truth is always the truth.

Therefore, they hate when anyone challenges them with realistic facts, instead of your emotions. Ironically, They can retaliate with more arguing (cognitive) & hysteria (their emotions) trying to elevate the conversation’s intensity by throwing an emotional temper tantrum. This childish response simply shows they feel out-of-control

❧ Gratitude
Like remorse, gratitude is another emotion seen as a sign of weakness by Ns – as if it gives other people power over them. Since Ns never do anything for ‘free’, they can’t imagine someone showing them a kindness without payment expected.  Or, Ns can’t admit they may have needed help. Either way, it means they owe someone, which would make them an equal, or worse yet: one-down.

❧ Insults
Insults are about the person – their identity – & Ns are hypersensitive to being verbally abused. They feel the sting of it more than non-Ns, a crushing blow to their already fragile ego.
They’ll brood & sulk about it for weeks, or never get over it – depending on the words & who said them – even plotting revenge toward the person who caused the injury.

❧ Jealousy
Ns are extremely possessive of their human supplier – even when devaluing & discarding someone. Their jealousy can be a constant accusation, or show up intensely if their victim actually cheats, leaves – or just pays more attention to someone else. They don’t want to lose even a smidgin of attention.

❧ Lack of admiration
In the N’s mind, admiration from others is the source of their power, so without it they’re nothing. When marginalized or ignored – for whatever reason – they experience it as being invisible, feeling totally irrelevance & unimportance – which they can’t bear.

❧ Lack of resources
This is mainly about physical needs.Yes, many Ns work long hours, to buy the best & the biggest,  away to fill the inner emptiness. Since Ns believe they’re entitled to everything, doing without – or having it taken away – can cause panic.
Also, losing practical resources, such as a car & house, will limit their ability to find & seduce someone new to take care of

❧ Losing at anything
Ns can be extremely sore losers, acting just like toddlers in a tantrum. They may seem to be struggling to accept losing, but then lash out when they do, which can lead to plenty of cheating & dramatic reactions for not being “on top”. 

EXP: They can pretend they don’t care about winning, insist they “let the other person” take the spotlight, OR refuse to accept they lost & awkwardly act as if they are the actual winner, OR may attack or humiliate the winner, repeatedly stating the person in charge (boss / referee) was incompetent, stupid, blind….

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