PREVIOUS : Grief

🤎 ABBREVIATED
 You aren’t showing any of the typical signs of grief , so maybe you’re acting as though no one you know died. This can happen if you’re in complete shock or total denial, & more likely when the death sudden & unexpected.
Other possibilities – √ when you rather quickly replace the diseased with someone or something new in your life, √ or how long ago you knew them, √ or that you were already grieving them a long time before they died (anticipatory grief), √or because you didn’t have a strong connection or attachment to the person lost.

🩶 ABSENT
Similar to Abbreviated Grief, in this case you show absolutely no signs, acting as though nothing ‘bad’ has happened. Again – from shock or denial.  But it’s important to remember that just because you can’t tell someone’s hurting doesn’t mean they aren’t. And it also ok to not be sad or feel deep grief if it was someone you didn’t even know.

If the grief is there but hidden, it can ignored for a while by keeping busy with family & work, &/or by drinking a lot.  But absent grief will usually show up at some point – usually when least expected. Grief in any form will take its toll on your body. This type only becomes a problem if it goes on for too long.

❤️‍🔥 AMBIGUOUS Grief (AG)
This is unresolved pain when circumstances don’t provide clear closure, & can lead to having a different attitude about who or what is ‘gone’. You & others may question whether the person is actually dead, or if you should in fact be grieving. Although grief can take many complicated shapes, it can also be shapeless. In “Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief,”  Pauline Boss described :
Type One – is “physical absence with psychological presence”- when you don’t know for sure if the person you love has died or is just missing, without knowing what’s happened to them. EXP: kidnapping, natural disasters, terrorism, war.
OR –  you know where the person is or what has happened to them, but there’s a loss of contact. EXP : adoption, divorce, incarceration, and the trend toward ghosting .

Type Two – is “psychological absence with physical presence” – there’re still around, but they’ve changed, whether emotionally or cognitively (or both), so you feel the disconnect because they’re emotionally unavailable or mentally gone.
EXP : active addicted parent, Alzheimer’s, put into foster care, from immigration, miscarriage, suicide…

Ambiguous Loss is very hard to handle
In these cases, the situation is hazy, which makes many people uncomfortable.  Closure is an important piece of the complicated puzzle of grief, providing a way to process what’s happened. We crave closure because our brains are wired to analyze information from ourself & our environment. So when we know how &/why someone died, we can move on with our life.
BUT….
….. when we don’t have all the information, we lose a sense of control, & our thoughts fill in the blanks. Those ideas can be terrifying because they’re always the worst scenarios, & there’s nothing to say if what we’re thinking is wrong. That makes us anxious, obsessing about what’s really going on, which can feel like an ongoing trauma. (Solutions….)

A major symptom is that the grieving process is stuck /feels “frozen”, with persistent sadness but unsure why. (Helpful suggestion for recovery)
☀︎ Interesting : One of the most powerful ways humans make meaning out of ambiguous loss is through all the many forms of art.  (Heal with art…..)

❤️‍🩹 ANCESTRAL
Ancestral grief is about the emotional, psychological & biological wounds passed down through generations from the traumatic experiences of your ancestors. When they faced repeated abuse, addiction, chronic illness, or other hardships, their survival instincts led to developing behaviors, beliefs, & coping mechanisms in behaviors & beliefs that helped them endure harsh, unsupported environments.

While these adaptations were crucial for their survival, they can be unconsciously transmitted to you through dysfunctional dynamics, parenting styles, & cultural norms. You might feel the pull of ancestral grief tied to your specific family traumas, shaping how safe or connected you feel in the world. (Many list of signs, may overlap with ACA after-effects)
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : SAFETY for Couples, #2

SITE :  “In Grief – When Tears Won’t Come” (Grief Healing Blog)
♥ Send the GIFT of SOUPs ♥

QUOTE :  “Grief cannot and should not, be fixed. . .  Grief is not a medical disorder to be cured.  Grief is not a spiritual crisis to be resolved. Grief is not a social woe to be addressed.  Grief is, simply, a matter of the heart – to be felt” ∼ ∼ Joanne Cacciatore

DEF: Grief is the acute emotional reactions to loss, in the form of bereavement & mourning, which can include despair, regret & guilt. It’s complicated, confusing, frustrating & messy. But it is also a normal & important part of life.

Grief involves coping with loss.  Most think that it only hits us in the painful period following the death of a loved one. But grief can ride along with any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy, or of ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that have been defining us.

Grief triggers the entire spectrum of emotions — from sadness to anger to joy. Mourners often describe them as “coming in waves,” washing over you without warning. One minute you feel like you’re back to normal, & the next you’re surprised by a flood of tears. And sometimes you feel detached, as if on autopilot.

Interesting : A pioneering study about how long various emotions can be felt when triggered, identified ——> being Ashamed or Disgusted lasts about (30 min), Bored (about 2 hrs), Guilt (3.5 hrs), but Sadness outlasts them all (up to 120 hours!) The next longest was Anger, about 60 hrs.!

SECONDARY Grief :  This is when an original loss affects several areas of your life – not automatically obvious. The hole in the heart can leak out pain to contaminate many other thing we used to depend on to feel safe.

The easiest problems to identify are often the loss of concrete things – money, property, work….. But one that may be harder to realize at first  is a loss of identity – which will have a major impact. It can come from a change in how one defines oneself, as well as a loss of specific roles one used to have before the original death.

Secondary losses unfold over time. Some you’ll be acutely aware of immediately after, & some will be noticed as the weeks, months, & years go by.  Gently keeping track of all those other endings can help to be compassionate & patient with your human-ness when getting caught by another stab of pain you thought had been put to rest.  The jumble of feelings are a normal part of grief, so they need to be addressed & mourned.

Everyone experiences the loss of someone or something precious at some point in their life.   There’s nothing more devastating than grief, but one of the worst things is to ignore the pain. We can’t afford to push it away – we need to find ways to deal with it so we can still have a positive & useful life.
Grieving can be worked through. It’s important to allow ourself to plow into or sneak through the various stages, so the more we acknowledge the pain & consistently use Recovery ‘tools’, the faster we can feel better.

Also – Some people believe that once they work through the initial grief, they should never feel sad or struggle again. So the temptation is to dismiss reignited old feelings of grief, to avoid or ignore them altogether. The reality is that even though we heal,  the memories & pain can come rushing back the we least expect it if something reminds us of what happened – even many yrs later.
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« EXPANDED info re. “Personal losses”
▪︎ Distance/loss of family relationships due to conflicts re. the death
▪︎ Distance/loss from people connected to the person who died  (school community of a child, support system of a parent’s assisted living or nursing home, co-workers of a spouse)

▪︎ Loss of life’s purpose (no longer a parent, a caregiver, mentor….)
▪︎ Loss of faith/belief system (especially if combined with a loss of a support from church or faith community)
▪︎ Loss of relational identity (no longer a husband, wife, parent, sibling, grandparent….)
▪︎ The pain of watching others grieve the loss (children, parents)
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NEXT : Grief TYPES, Ab- An

PREVIOUS : Unsafe People

SITE :

 ‘Safety Signals’ can Rewire your Brain for Calm
Emotional Safety is not limited to close relationships. It’s  also available in everyday environments. Seemingly simple contexts can provide powerful refreshment to a nervous system in need of rest :
— a teacher who answers questions from students without judgment
— a workplace that values psychological well-being
— a chapel that offers a quiet, protected space…..

Safety Is Not a Luxury.  We each have beautifully intricate wiring which constantly feeds information from our bodies to our brain & vice versa.
Every moment we marinate in fear – no matter the ‘reason’ – is a tiny bit of energy drained from our system. Those bits accumulate, so we end up with fewer & fewer reserves to cope.
Although Healing does not erase the past,  in the present it reshapes itself in our being. What once felt far away starts to feel reachable.

EXTERNAL Cues
Find the Safety Signals in your environment.  Silently it tells us that it’s okay to pause, to breathe, to just to be.
When you think or a person, place or thing – what softens your fear ?
❤️‍🩹 Start the journey by stepping away from harm.  Every cue of safety we let ourself experience replenishes energy & the reserves needed to deal with the every-day stressors.  When safety is infused into the ordinary, healing becomes woven into daily life. There are many cues available, & they are as unique as you are. Healing often proceeds from unexciting moments, restoring stability through daily patterns.

These moments stitch together a new foundation to support us – where fear once lived. Our marvelous nervous system is designed to help.  Safety Signals create micro-adjustments to it that had been shaped by unpredictability. Treat yours with respect :  don’t blow its circuits with worry & anxiety. Find ways to slow down, calm, & restore. It will pay off.

INTERNAL Tools
☆ Connection 
Belonging does not require being flawless or intense. It requires presence – the willingness to first show up for yourself, then encourage the daily rewriting of wound-stories that had been scarred by absence

☆ Grow Emotional Intelligence
This is the ability to recognize, understand, & regulate emotions, both in yourself & around others. It is a powerful tool for developing a sense of inner comfort

☆ Recognize Unsafe Spaces
 Not every environment nourishes emotional safety. Be aware of the temporary or long-term spaces you’re in, so you can make wiser choices that protect your well-being

☆ Reframe Self-Talk Patterns
Identify the Toxic beliefs from the Introject & constantly deny their validity – based on present reality. Reframing your narrative helps to strengthen your True Self

☆ Trust Your GUT
Rebuilding self-trust is crucial for emotional safety. Stop always looking for external validation. Thrust your God-given intuition. Validate your emotions without minimizing or dismissing them. Give  yourself permission to make decisions based on your own needs & values.

☆ Use your Boundaries 
EXPRESSING yourself SAFELY :
1. Only share what you feel comfortable with at the time
2. If you’re considering opening up to someone (being ‘vulnerable’), pick only one thing to share, rather than compulsively telling everything deep & personal all at once. Then see what the response is before continuing
3. Accept that sometimes sharing personal things may feel awkward & uncomfortable

4. If you do decide to open up, carefully evaluate if the other person is  trustworthy – based on what you already know about them – or about people in general (under-expect).

But also be careful to not over-expect.  People are not always going to fully get what you’re saying, feeling or needing. If it seems they’ve misunderstood or hurt you, try talking about it – from your Adult ego state
5. When you do share something personal (emotions, goals, dreams…), pay attention to how you are feeling emotionally & physically – at the time – which are clues about whether you feel safe or not in that situation.
If you don’t, then likely that person or place is not for you.

NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Safety for Couples, #1

SITE : 🔻 HARMFUL ways to Communicate
🔺 “Safe WORDS for couples” 

👩‍❤️‍👨  Accountability & Follow Through
☼ No relationship can be perfect, but safe couples aren’t ashamed to say “I’m sorry.….”  No excuses. No “but you…” Just quiet admission, without defensiveness or justifications.
It’s not blame but about making repairs when you mess up. A sincere apology builds trust.  NOTE : Valid accountability comes from the Adult ego state, and without self-hate!  (↘️Add more)

☼ Follow through : To be legitimate, an apology must be followed by changes in attitude & practical actions. And keeping the other person in the loop helps to hold yourself accountable.
Also, when you commit to something & then actually do it, you prove your dependability & loyalty to the relationship.  Taking small steps lets your partner see you’re making a consistent effort.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Giving the benefit of the doubt
Heathy people are curious about what’s fueling their partner’s actions / non-actions – without paranoia or judgement. They don’t jump to conclusions about the other’s motives, goals, or preferences.
Most people’s motivations are subconscious, often connected to the baggage they bring from their past. Safe couples can disagree, but they also provide a safe energy of willingness to understand, without assuming the other of having bad intentions, 

👩‍❤️‍👨  Your nonverbal communication
Emotional safety includes body language, since we’re responsible for the words we say and the way we say them.
Vocal tone, eye shape, posture, & other micro expressions are constantly being noticed & interpreted, whether you realize it or not. Notice the nonverbal communication your body is ‘speaking’ before approaching your partner – especially when upset.
NEG : Can show indifference, exhaustion, frustration ….. with cold eyes, tightly pressed lips, a frown, harsh sound to the words. making you unsafe
POS :  OR can show calm, curiosity, lust ….. with soft muscles, a tilted head, a seductive grin, warm eyes – telegraphing that you are safe to connect with. 

👩‍❤️‍👨 Transparency
Honesty helps eliminate the potential for suspicion that partners are hiding something from each other. While you don’t need to share every nuance of your life, (see ‘Boundaries“), general openness about your thoughts, emotions & activities are needed for trust & safety.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Vulnerability
They are safe to share their tenderest inner world, the deepest secrets & insecurities. And they can talk about what they need, not just what’s missing.
Each partner responds with empathy, accepting the other’s emotions with kindness, even when they don’t fully understand or actually empathize.  It helps if you try putting yourself in the other’s shoes.

Safety includes validate the other’s opinions & actual experience, even if you don’t agree or have the same experience. This is Mirroring, reflecting back your partner’s words – to be sure you heard correctly. It’s a way to be supportive without trying to change or fix them or the situation – “That must be so hard,” or “I get why that would upset you”…..

👩‍❤️‍👨 Gratitude
When you are the one who has be open, let the other person know you  appreciate that they gave you a safe space to share. Thank them for listening without inserting their opinions or feelings, including specific compliments like “I’m grateful you make it easy to tell you what’s going on with me right now”. This safety also provides the time & space for emotional process & growth.

AND you don’t have to wait for something to happen to give a compliment or express gratitude. Little acts of love are minor, everyday things that go a long way to remind your partner how much you care. What strengthens this is knowing & applying the “Love Language” that each of you need to feel safe & loved.  Love thrives when it’s named.  Say ‘thank you’, celebrate small wins & remind each other what you admire about them in everyday life.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Therapy
Going regularly to “Couples counseling” can help build emotional safety by identifying how the couple fights, rather than only focusing on ‘fixing’ specific issues. A skilled & compatible therapist will guide them to create a new way of handling conflicts, so they can successfully deal with life’s challenges as they come. The goal is to work together rather than being at odds.

NEXT : SAFETY Growth

PREVIOUS :
UnSAFE Interactions

SITE : 🔺 75 Qs to Deepen Emotional Intimacy

BENEFITS of an emotionally safe relationship – YOU :
🔅 are valued & valuable, creating a strong connection between you two that provides nourishment & strength
🔅 know you’re seen, heard, & understood,  SO you can express yourself freely & fearlessly
🔅 can be your genuine Self with without risk of punishment
🔅 can have limitations & weaknesses without being taken advantage of !
 It takes time to build emotional safety, but the results are worth the effort. Even if there are glitches in some areas of the relationship, the good news is that making progress or being ok in some categories can lead to growth in the troublesome ones.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Being Physically Safe
This is a bedrock requirement. In a safe relationship – neither partner is worried about being hurt, intimidated or controlled by the other. Most couples fight, but what matters is how, and that they come back together after a conflict.
They reach out, check in, asking: “Are we okay?” or “Can we talk about that again?” They realize that disagreement doesn’t mean disconnection, but rather an opportunity to grow. They choose repair over silence.

 👩‍❤️‍👨 Be an active listener
Necessary to a secure relationship, both feel heard & validated. It’s about setting aside any visual / mental distraction & personal defenses, to fully take in what your partner is saying.
It also means that whenever fears or issues surface, either one feels safe enough to bring it up – even if it’s uncomfortable. That way you can prevent the problem from growing, & turning into a resentment. If you address a subject reasonably, fairly & with respect – at least it’s in the open, even if somethings are not easily solvable. Then managing becomes about acceptance.

EXPs : ▪︎ ask questions for info & clarification, instead of assuming you know what they mean. “Help me understand ….”
▪︎ use nonverbal signs like smiling, nodding, keeping eye contact…
▪︎ summarize or reflect back what was said, to be sure you did understand, or maybe need a correction

👩‍❤️‍👨  Assurance of Commitment
Along with a solid, day-to-day connection, thriving couples also have the assurance of a future together, a deep sense of permanence providing a secure attachment that benefits the whole family.  This is crucial because most people will not invest in something important to them – without a reasonable confidence in what’s on their horizon.
It also reduces / restricts various negative impulses, & encourages positive behaviors in order to maintain the relationship.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Trust (That You’re Loved)
Trust means having faith in the other person,  even when things get tense, you don’t second-guess or worry about your partner’s love . There’s a deep foundation of care, commitment, & consistency that makes being with them feel like a ‘safe haven’.

Trust grows from knowing each other well, having appropriate expectations, & not being in denial about their limitations. That allows you to treat them fairly.
** AND, you trust that your partner won’t use your vulnerabilities against you later.
Building Trust : be authentic, consistent, honest, reliable in word & actions, stay present, & keep promises.

👩‍❤️‍👨  Respect boundaries & agreements (consent)
Setting & respecting boundaries can increase safety when both are honest. Whatever the topic, describing a limit tells your partner what your needs are, as well as your preferences.  It also identifies what you will tolerate (mild) & what is not acceptable (severe).
SUMMARY — to set mutual boundaries, each partner has to know : ♦︎ Who they are   ♦︎ What their specific needs are   ♦︎ Where their line in the sand is and   ♦︎ What is less important to them.

Boundaries can be emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, sexual or social — all needed for nurturing respect. Once you set a boundary, it’s crucial that you & your partner respect it – as much as realistically possible.

HOWEVER: even agreed-on & appropriate boundaries may sometimes need to slip or be modified, depending on circumstances. RIGID Bs are actually walls – creating a separation between partners, based in fear, shame or guilt.
Suggestions:
☞ ask for space when you need alone-time
☞ stick to what’s important to you
☞ protect your time by not overcommitting
☞ share sensitive information gradually & with sensitivity
☞ clearly state your desire for & comfort level about intimacy

NEXT : Emotionally Safe Couples (#2)

PREVIOUS: Result of Unsafe Parents

SITE: ☀︎ PDF  “We Don’t Know What Safety Feels Like” 

POSTs :  Abandonment Pain – 4  ///  ACoAs Abandoning Others  – 8
“Unsafe People“// Real vs Fake People – 3

INSECURITY –  A more common term for lack of Emotional Safety 
DEF:  Result of all Insecure Attachment styles. Shows up as lack of confidence in oneself, creating fear and uncertainty, especially about one’s abilities, feeling inadequate in all areas of life.

1. BEHAVIORS of Emotionally Unsafe adults toward Self.  THEY :
♦︎ Are unaware of or ignore their own personal boundaries, leading to harmful or shameful interactions with others
♦︎  Are chronic procrastinators,  often late, poor planers, start but don’t finish tasks or projects
♦︎ Drive recklessly – resulting in injuries – ignore speed limits & traffic signals, talk on the cell, drive drunk
THEY
♦︎ Have emotional outburst, over-react to small frustrations
♦︎ Ignore health needs – regular checkups, yearly dentist visits,  not enough sleep, poor eating choices, wrong seasonal clothes….
♦︎  Neglect or ignore personal, family &/or work responsibilities
♦︎ Neglect safety gear in hazardous situations, like not wearing helmets or seatbelts, careless use of tools or safety goggles, masks….
THEY
♦︎ Self harm – cutting, banging head, hitting oneself in the face, suicide attempts …..
♦︎ Trust bullies, predators, narcissists, alcoholics….
♦︎ Take unnecessary risks in social situations – unable to use common sense – excessive drinking, drug use, unprotected sex
♦︎ Use substances irresponsibly, leading to impaired judgment & risky choices.

2. BEHAVIORS toward Others

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NEXT : Emotionally Safe Couples, (#1)

PREVIOUS : Emotionally UNSAFE PARENTS (#1)

SITE : “Emotional Abuse from Toxic Parents : Teen’s Guide….” by Leopards Publication (Author) and William Winder (Author

THIS LIST will be familiar to many readers – an extended version of the ACA Laundry List.
⛅︎ To counter these characteristics – Review the 2 POSTS : “My RIGHTS“,  and the “Permissions Synopsis”

🌱 As many ACAs in Recovery know, you can process the past to HEAL & GROW. Recognizing its effects on you is a good start. Remember Al-Anon’s 3 As : Awareness,  Acceptance & Action.
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NEXT : UNSAFE

PREVIOUS : SAFETY & the BODY (#2)

POSTs : ▪︎ 4 Parenting Styles (5)
▪︎ Harmful Mothers (3)

REALITY : All parents are flawed in some way, but some can still be good enough & safe enough to provide you with a secure start in life. But if ou had one or more parents or parent-subs who were Emotionally Unsafe, your mental wellbeing was damaged.  Growing up in an unsupportive, chronically stressful environment led to intense anxiety, depression & anger.

NOTE : Here are 2 lists. Part 1 is all about some of the ways our family was unsafe. Part 2, shows the effect on us as a result.
The * indicates that the examples are all written in the past tense, BUT for many of us, parents & other family members are still treating us the same way – even though we’re functional, intelligent adults, even quite accomplished !

INVENTORY : You’re not likely to identify with all, but you can use any one of these items to write about your experiences & accept the emotions it brings up.

SIGNS of Toxic Parenting : Mental abuse, physical abuse, harsh punishment, boasting “tough love”, gaslighting, & humiliation. Traits include being strict, critical, rigid, lacking emotional regulation, & insensitive toward others. (⬇️ LIST )
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NEXT : UNSAFE Parents – Results in US  (Part 2)

PREVIOUS : Emotional SAFETY & the BODY (#1)

🧠 The human brain is a marvelous instrument, giving us the ability to think, plan, create, & solve complex problems — skills that no other species has in quite the same way.
The down side is that it’s wired for survival more than for happiness.

The Brain’s Safety Mechanism

Q :  Brain ASKS – “Is this safe for me?”
“Everything we do in life is based on our brain’s determination to minimize danger & maximize reward.”  (D. Rock “Your Brain at Work”)

ACAs  : This is the one question we ’SHOULD’ be asking ourself all day long – not from paranoia, but to counter co-dependence & dissociation – because we don’t pat attention to internal signals warning us of danger or what’s just not right for us in the present !

On ONE level, there are things we’re blind to —–> out of straightforward ignorance, things our family never taught us or exposed us to.  EXP : How things really work in the world revolving around work, money, relationships, health….

At a DEEPER level, adults do know many things, gathered from experience, our native intelligence & senses, education, friends….  which we automatically ignore, mis-interpret or ‘logic’ away.
Without recovery, we may only ‘understand’ the signals thru the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles filter.

We talk ourself out of listening to our intuition about potential danger or current forms of abuse, neglect & abandonment. This comes from a combination of the Pig-Parent (Introject) & the wounded Child who is listening to & obeying it. “Don’t think, don’t feel, don’t talk”. (Post: “The UNIT” gives a correction)

NORMAL ANS: If NO = When we experience something as ‘not safe’, considering it a threat, the brain generates a stress response, making us feel cautious, nudging us to move AWAY from that person-place-thing (PPT).
If we stay, we feel fear in the body (tight shoulders, knotted stomach….). As the threat increases, our cognitive capacity decreases by 75% , making it much harder to make decisions, to come up with solutions or alternative ideas, or create anything new & interesting.

ANS : If YES – the brain generates a chemical reward response, the physical & mental sensation of “OK-ness”, so we feel positively drawn TOWARD that good thing.
▸ When we feel safe, the body refuels, regenerates, builds muscle & bone, empties waste products, fights off  ‘foreign invaders’ well – so the organism thrives.

OPPOSITE: A study compared the physiological profile of bullied students vs the bullies. Researchers measured an inflammatory marker called C-reactive protein (CRP) often used to detect infection. It also indicates a stressed, overactive immune system.
RESULTS: Bullied children had elevated CRP levels – compared to those who had not been bullied.
More disturbing –  CRP levels in the bullies were lower than the norm.
This is proof that there are social & physiological rewards for wielding power, & how that shows up is not subtle. *** Why give up power & control when anxiety & vulnerability are the alternatives?***

The Body’s Response to Threat
Growing up in a tense, chaotic or passive-aggressive neglecting family, children are constantly tense, anticipating possible threats. This hyper-vigilance, at first automatic, gradually define how the nervous system lives in the body.  As tension continues, day after day, it starts to feel familiar. The mind adjusts without fully noticing the cost, but emotional fatigue creeps in. 

▸ When not feeling safe, the body resist engaging, connecting, or providing the emotional warmth that relationships need to thrive. These are protective strategies that once serve a purpose but now interfere with the ability to be open & enjoy time with others.

And the lack of safety can hide in plain sight. Anxious adults :
♟ over-explain simple choices to avoid criticism
♟ feel drained after spending time with friends or family, from constantly worrying about signs of rejection
Or they may :  ♟ get a sudden jolt whenever the phone rings
♟ be reluctant to speak in certain rooms or locations
♟ have a compulsion to leave social settings without knowing why….

These physical & emotional cues make it hard to stay present. When anxiety riddles the body , daily responsibilities feel heavier & relationships pay the price. ‘Coping’ has turned into withdrawal, people pleasing, & over-relying on empty distractions. The nervous system can’t relax. Even in quiet moments meant for resting, it’s still on guard.

NEXT : UNSAFE PARENTS

PREVIOUS: Emotional Safety – OTHER types 

SITE : “Dynamic Healing“ = Polyvagal theory….

FAMILIAR : Given an unsafe childhood home & external environments, many of us struggle with emotional pain that can be overwhelming, & harmful thoughts that cause confusion & despair. In reaction, we try to push it all down — only to have them resurface in unexpected ways that we don’t understand. We feel pulled apart by conflicting needs & attitudes.

1. The Brain’s 3 Emotion Regulation Systems
⚙️ We react to childhood trauma & adult tragedies in disturbing ways – addictions, withdrawal, aggression, ambition, narcissism…..  Ironically these responses are not flaws – they’re the brain’s valiant but limited attempts to keep us safe, since they often work against us.
Learning about the brain’s 3 core systems — Threat, Drive, Soothing — can be used for learning to balance one’s thoughts & feelings.
It’s also important to consider our individual personality styles that influence how these systems function.

** NOTE : Site is extensive. Most is valid, but it’s recommended to ignore all explanations based on evolution, now less accepted by the scientific community.

a. Ongoing exposure to toxic stress or trauma in childhood affects brain development, often causing long-term difficulties, making it harder to cope later on
b. Early attachment relationships influences how we treat ourself, & how we relate to others – well into adulthood.
Both factors affect our Window of Tolerance – the zone of arousal where we function best.  (extensive info)
▪︎ When we’re outside that window, we feel anxious, & reactive, or emotionally shut down, even dissociated.
▪︎ Within it, we’re are in a state of balance, which allows for adaptive responses to stress – able to think clearly, stay present, & respond flexibly.

2. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory describes how our autonomic nervous system (ANS) affects safety, trust, & intimacy, through the Social-Engagement System (SES).… It picks up positive signals from others, needed to support us when under stress, with body language, voice quality, & facial expressions. If our SES likes what it sees & hears, it calms us. Since this operates unconsciously, we’re not aware that it is calming, that the SES overrides stress hormones when other people trigger us.

The brain is built to constantly detect & analyze information via our senses – telling us if we’re in a situation that’s safe, dangerous, or life threatening. The amygdala sends out urgent signals when something feels wrong, called neuroception, which sets off reactions meant to protect. Although these signals are usually unconscious, we can learn to be aware of them by observing defense mechanisms the brain mobilizes.

These can help in emergencies, but become overwhelming if we’re on high alert all the time. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for reflection & emotional regulation, then loses much needed influence. Thoughtful decisions are unavailable, replaced by reflex or retreat.

EXP re. a child hearing a parent’s question : In a supportive environment, he/she responds with ease. In a critical one, they will hesitate, scrambling for a safe answer before saying anything. With constant negative repetition, the brain comes to link uncertainty with danger, even when – later on – no immediate threat is present.

3. Traffic Lights
Another way to consider how the brain functions is to imagine it as a traffic light with the standard 3 colors. When our brain lights up one of them, it’s indicating something important that needs paying attention to – to use, ponder or escape.
3 Brains : 🟢 GREEN = Neocortex (safe)
🟡 YELLOW = Limbic System
🔴 RED = Brain Stem
When in RED Brain mode – we feel unsafe, ‘abandoned’ in PMES ways. We will try everything we can to feel safe, to get to Yellow Brain territory. But we’re in a double bind : to get to Yellow, we have to feel safe(er) ! and the way ACAs try – is usually counter-productive !

NOTE : Trauma survivors have been numbed out to these signals or are stuck in Red all the time.  And “Literalists” like Sensate people may think that factual events are all that matter. Actually, the way we perceive things is far more relevant to our understanding of reality, but its power is not often realized.
Physical safety is not enough to learn or function well. The feeling of being safe (loved, appreciated, valued, heard….) is just as important, if not more so.
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NEXT : Emotional SAFETY & the BODY (#2)