PREVIOUS :  Over-doing  (#2c)

SITE : “Cycle of Over-functioning and Distancing” 

Based on : Scout.Yahoo.com

OVER-Doing (O-D)
Over-functioning in relationships creates an imbalance when one partner takes on too much or most of the emotional, mental & practical responsibility (PMES).  It leads to exhaustion, resentment & eroded intimacy for both. This pattern often masks underlying anxiety, showing up as a deep need to be controlling. It’s a sign of deeper relational issues being played out, such as unstable attachment wounds,  codependency, relational trauma….

Over-doing is responsibility has been absorbed by someone.  While it may “feel” like love or being responsible, it gradually damages the couple’s partnership by eating away at the foundation.
Growth requires space.  Healthy relationships are based on give-&-take. Even when things are not always ‘perfectly’ balanced, long-term there’s an easy ebb & flow.

However, when one person in a relationship consistently over-functions, it doesn’t stay personal – it becomes structural. the system adapts around it, the relationship re-organizing itself so that one person keeps carrying most or all the emotional, logistical & relational weight. This isn’t usually conscious or malicious. The system stabilizes around whoever handles the most, trying to be efficient within the dysfunction.

If one person keeps over-doing, the other(s) will keep under-doing. Not because they can’t but because this system quietly rewards imbalance.  The more you anticipate needs, smooth tension, rescue outcomes, & regulate the emotional field, the less space there is for others to grow (mate, children, co-workers / employees….).

With time, responsibility becomes invisible labor – when it’s not named, acknowledged or shared,  becoming the ingrained background operating system of the relationship. So resentment becomes inevitable. The longer it runs this way, the harder it is to interrupt without discomfort. Interesting : the over-functioning partner keeps going in silence. It’s the under-functioning one who complains.  (from J. Mike Field)

Some SIGNS of Over-Doing because —>  YOU FEEL :
♥︎ afraid, constantly scanning the environment looking for signs of trouble you have to handle – fast, or else
♥︎ you have to prioritize their comfort over your own, then get secretly resentful, but keep going to keep the peace
♥︎ the compulsion to anticipate /know their needs, before they express them (OR maybe don’t actually need OR don’t want)
FEEL
♥︎ responsible for ‘fixing’ their emotions, even when they haven’t asked for support or help
♥︎ annoyed or angry when they want to relax or take time to do something without you (not about cheating)
♥︎ anxious &/or guilty if/when you step back, assume things will fall apart without your constant vigilance & efforts
♥︎ judgmental when they actually help to do something you need or want —> but their way (wrong way by you)
OR – resentful that they never offer to help, or refuse 

EXAMPLES of relationship IMBALANCE
As the OVER-DOER, you’re Always the one who :
☀︎ is taken advantage of, accommodating to their schedules & goals, their wants / demands / expectations (no mutual effort)
☀︎ reaches out to connect, initiates communication &/or intimacy, constantly afraid they will leave
☀︎ acts as parent or therapist, listening to their problems & giving advice, even when they’re just dumping, but never sharing your own needs & feelings
WHO
☀︎ makes all the plans & arrangements, co-ordinates family/ friends / work dinners…. Works to be sure everyone has a good time.  Even when you’re tired, ill, burnt out or just don’t want to
☀︎ says YES to requests (or demands) from them – afraid to say NO, so they won’t be angry (see Laundry List)
☀︎ spends lots of time apologizing, making excuses for their hurtful / bad / unhealthy behavior
☀︎ (if single) travels to meet the other, but they never come to you
☀︎  when making future plans, assumes they’ll be part if it – although they don’t (even hint it! “I’m not sure where I’ll be / what I’m going to do….”) ⁠
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Over-Doing (#2a)

POSTS : Work STYLES (#1-4)

PROCESS of Over-Doing (based on M. Mantell info)
Stage 1: Rich — when the activity feels so very enjoyable. When over-indulging in the original thing (food, project, new love….), it feels exciting, delicious, eliminates anxiety….
But this intensity will NOT last.

EXP: The first week Jen went away to college (at 17) she went exploring the town on her own. While grocery shopping for dorm snacks she bought several packages of dried apricots. They were ‘too expensive’ for mom to ever get, so now she had the freedom. On the way back she ate 3 of the packs. It was wonderful, delicious/’sinful’ & very sweet. But she got a quite sick from all that sugar, & never wanted another died apricot.

Stage 2: Signs to slow down
If it’s a work task or project, a not-s0-new love affair…. you start getting sensations in the body to slow down (losing focus, headaches, lower back pain, sleeplessness…). If you’re aware enough to recognize the subtle changes, ASK :  Am I still running on an outdated fantasy or a realistic mental goal? What’s my present-moment need?

Stage 3: Need a break — when the ‘thing’ you were so excited about is starting to hurt. Usually, the signs at this stage are hard to ignore, but if you really try, you definitely can. Sadly, ACoAs were trained to be numb to both physical & emotional signals, especially the painful ones! So you try to tough it out. It’s a matter of pride – “I can handle anything!” (no matter the cost).

Stage 4: Overdone!
If you ignore Stage 3 alerts & keep pushing, you’ll get over-done, like a burned dinner. Your body starts to panic & everything in you is screaming to take space. You end up sluggish, depressed & maybe sleep too much.

Stage 5: Slowly re-integrate
If you finally take the space = either because you honestly admit you needed to, or your body forced you to = you take as long a break as needed —> to recover. Spend that time to evaluate your patterns, motives & choices.

📌 Work at NOT going back into Stage 1. This can sneak up on you if there’s something very different you get obsessed with! & you haven’t yet caught on to – & corrected – the underlying issues driving the compulsion.

BURNOUT Symptoms (VERYWELL Health)
If you don’t catch the signs of over-doing early,  you end up totally depleted. This can look different for each of us, but a very good indicator that productivity has turned toxic includes feeling low-self worth from co-dependent people-pleasing, because of never living your truth by acting authentically.
At its most extreme, you’re burnt out so badly you actually have a melt-down & have to quit work / career for weeks or months, to recuperate.
BUT did you learn your lesson & change?

🔻 Creating conflicts = over-extending yourself at home, arguing, criticizing, sudden anger outbursts, forgetting to do routine things or that were promised…..

🔻 Finding it hard to get up in the morning, & tired ‘round-the-clock’. One of the most recognized symptoms of burnout & considered the “core” of the syndrome

🔻 Feeling Dread & Lack of Motivation =  The “Work in America” survey found that 26% of U.S. workers aren’t motivated to do their best, & 18% feel ineffective

🔻 Feeling Useless, with Depression = feeling like you can’t do anything right, & a loss of interest in any activities, affecting your efficacy (ability to get work done)

🔻 Lack of Focus or Concentration = while at any task – you’re confused, & your mind wanders easily – making it hard to complete actions, no matter how easy they normally are

🔻 Physical problems = severe back pain / muscle spasms, restless sleep, headaches, stomach pains & appetite changes —— either too much or too little

🔻 Being more Negative than you used to be, & much more Impatient with loved ones & customers, even about little unimportant ‘stuff’

🔻Not performing well at work = ignoring assignments, lateness, many mistakes, arguing, having an ‘attitude’, taking on more responsibilities, constantly offering to help others

🔻 Unhealthy Behaviors = turning to harmful pacifiers  (alcohol, drugs, comfort foods, indiscriminate sex, over-exercising….)

🔻 Vision Changes  = prolonged stress can : raise intraocular pressure, cause blurriness, dryness, floaters, light sensitivity….

NEXT : Over-doing : GROWTH

PREVIOUS : SLOW DOWN

SITE : “Stop Overdoing Your Strengths” – very extensive (Harvard Biz Review)

BOOK : “Do Nothing” (by @celesteheadlee)

If you feel like this poem too – you may be stuck in a cycle of toxic productivity – typical of many ACoAs, a  form of “not-enoughness”. This can drive us to act in ways that don’t align with what really matters to us. We subconsciously keep busy by compulsively working to avoid dealing with painful emotions,  & issues in our current & past reality.
Here again is another aspect of how we use/ misuse TIME.

“Creative Hopelessness” of Toxic Productivity – an ACT term for waking up to the reality that what we are doing (over & over) isn’t working. (ACT =Acceptance & Commitment Therapy — about psychological flexibility).
Over-functioning is a classic wounded response formed during a toxic childhood. Being over-controlled, seriously neglected, &/OR trying to keep a chaotic household afloat,  ACoAs take on too much responsibility at a very young age.

Of course, then we continue the pattern as adults — until we have enough Recovery to set appropriate boundaries on our actions. It’s a common but often overlooked reaction to internal or external stress, feeling compelled to “do more” as a way of coping — trying to manage & control many things that are actually not ours to handle.
Most people on the productivity wheel are on autopilot – from not being self-aware – by not checking in with themself regularly OR at all . Over time, it leads to PMES burnout AND damaged relationships caused by letting others under-function & become too reliant on us.

Toxic beliefs in the WIC creating anxiety : I FEEL
🥺 afraid there’s not enough for me
⚡️alone & long for people to see my value
⚡️anxious when I’m still (nothing to do)
⚡️guilty when I take time off
⚡️sad that I’m not where I “should” be in life
⚡️scared that I’m going to be left behind
⚡️ shame that I’m not enough. (add your own)

As mentioned in the previous post,  the illusion is that we must be constantly ‘productive” to have any value at all ! much less to reach goals. Ironically this belief actually derails our dreams.
So it’s important to figure out why we get caught in overdoing.
📌 Notice why you’ve set certain goals for yourself, what’s their purpose & how do you spend your time. ASK :
— When it feels like I’m not doing enough, what do I do?
— How is this working? AND What price do I have to pay?

Our native biology is doing its job when we’re low on reserves —> the brain is designed to shift into ‘drive mode’ when it seems we don’t have enough resources & need to compete for scarce goods (food, shelter, a mate).
Unfortunately : present-day messaging (broad media, social media, education…. ) floods our drive system with messages that we aren’t doing enough, are being left out (FoMo),  don’t measure up, & are falling behind.

TOXIC Productivity
Toxic productivity is based on the deep-rooted conviction that you only have value from what you produce. So – if you’re always the person responsible for getting things done at home & at work, you may think you’re more in control, highly competent, & a valued member of your team or family.
HOWEVER, it :
º causes you to miss sleep & meals so you can work more
º ‘considers’ downtime as a waste instead of recovery time
º guilt trips you into not resting or taking breaks
º ignores or minimizes physical warning signs like headaches, fatigue, increased irritability, elevated resting heart rate
º promotes the habit of always being in ‘hustle mode’, at the expense of normal human and personality needs

You know it’s toxic when YOU :
♠︎  don’t have hobbies, a healthy social life or take vacations — because all your focus is on work or career (and money?)
♠︎  minimize or deny your real successes
♠︎  often feel work-related insecurity or guilt
♠︎  sacrifice time needed for yourself, family & friends – for the sake of productivity
♠︎   set your expectations unrealistically high, both for yourself & for the work
♠︎  undervalue or ignore your own physical, mental & emotional health

NEXT : OVER-DOING (2b)

PREVIOUS : Over-Doing (#2)

SITE : Parent as Over-Doer

UNDER-FUNCTIONING
DEF : Under-Doing (functioning) in children refers to difficulties in managing tasks & responsibilities, affecting the ability to perform well in school & daily activities, often leading to reliance on others.  NOTE: re. tasks = either not able to initiate, or not finish.

Some symptoms 
🚻 Emotional Immaturity – not able to manage their emotions – perhaps leading to impulsive behaviors & overreactions, lashing out & later regretting it. Get easily frustrated & anxious when faced with tasks, so avoid taking action

🚻 Executive Functioning problems : not good at planning, organizing & finishing task, may procrastinate or have trouble starting homework or chore.  Includes —
— Structure : may lose track of assignments, forget to bring needed materials with them, not keep workspace tidy
—  Time Management : misjudge how long tasks will take, leading to last-minute rushes

🚻 Social Interaction : struggle to make friends, understand social cues, & participate in group activities

🚻 Lack of Independence & Low Motivation –  See “Over-Parenting”  below

GENERAL { Contributing factors to Under-doing
🙇🏻‍♂️ Genetic predispositions & neurobiological changes. Alterations in brain structure & function.  Children with a family history of mental illness may be more susceptible to similar issues

🙇🏽‍♀️ Neuro-developmental disorders, such as ADHD or the autism spectrum (ASD)

🙇🏻‍♂️ Chronic Illness : Health issues may limit participation in school & social activities

🫃🏽 Family dynamics, such as parental mental health & parenting styles, which often includes Adverse childhood experiences, (ACE)  including trauma, abuse & neglect

🙇🏽‍♀️ Psychological Factors, such as anxiety or depression…. impair cognitive & emotional processing

🫃🏽Environmental Influences & missing Support systems
ALSO, 👫Psycho-social Factors  – Peer rejection & bullying

🤰🏻Socio-economic factors, such as poverty, poor nutrition, no access to mental health resources, dangerous neighborhood….

★However, a MAJOR Cause of Under-functioning in children is parental Narcissism, Double-binding & Boundary Invasions.

👥  Parental Influences / Helicoptoring
Over-parenting  (O-P) reduces a child’s ability to manage their own emotions & behavior, leaving them less equipped to handle challenges in school & social settings.

Being over-controlling limits opportunities for children to develop self-regulation skills, which are fundamental to long-term mental & physical health. 

🧠 Emotional & Behavioral Consequences of O-P
Anxiety patterns — when a child is ‘shielded’ from all discomfort, they don’t learn how to handle challenges, disappointment, demanding situations, the unknown…. so they feel overwhelmed when life throws a curve

Emotion dysregulation — when decisions or playtime are constantly ‘guided’ by a parent, the child will have trouble adjusting to complex school environments, causing behavioral problems

Reduced resilience — children who haven’t been helped to learn to regulate their own emotions effectively have a harder time bouncing back & fitting in

📊 Long-term Mental Health Effects from O-P.
Chronic stress — Parental anxiety often drives over-parenting, & this anxiety is transmitted to children, creating learned patterns of worry & hyper-vigilance

Depression & Obsessing – negative self-talk develops as children internalize parental criticism or face unrealistic expectations

Body image concerns — Parental monitoring of appearance or eating habits increases risk for eating disorders & poor body image

📌 Research shows all these patterns persist over time into adulthood, negatively affecting overall psychological functioning & well-being.

PREVIOUS :  CHILDHOOD Causes (#1)

POSTs : Review the 2 LAUNDRY LISTs (soft & hard)

OVER-DOERS / over-functioning (O-D)
😨 Hypervigilant
Over-doing children develop a hyper alert nervous systems from constantly scanning their social environment for danger.  With an increased sense of awareness & alertness, it becomes almost impossible to stay in the moment in their body, or to relax & rest.  As children & then later on, they’re either obsessing about the past, or projecting danger in the future, waiting for the next crisis.

🙀 Anxious
Given the many painful experiences that Over-doing kids go thru, it’s no wonder that chronic anxiety is common. Forever scanning for anything that can & will go wrong, they’re worried about what they can do to feel safer.  That leads to constantly being in fight-or-flight mode, elevating stress hormones like adrenaline, which ends up severely depleted, with many side effects, including a weakened immune system.

🫂 Blurred boundaries
In dysfunctional families, any form of healthy boundaries is practically unknown. They violate each others’ space, privacy & rights.  Parents expect & demand the child take on the roles of adult caretaker, lawyer, nurse, shrink…. but only for themselves.

Spending much of their upbringing focused on other people’s needs, children don’t get to figuring out what they actually want, need or even feel. They never know where the PMES lines are, when others end & where they start.
IMP : to form & maintain appropriate Bs, one must first know what one’s needs are, neither of which Over-doing children are allowed. (ACoAs & Bs)

😜 Need to feel ‘in control’
Being in constant turmoil the child in a dysfunctional home becomes hyper-responsible as the only way to keep everything functional & hopefully to gain approval. Hyper-vigilance conditions the nervous system to assume ‘inevitable’ danger, physical & emotional.

That becomes the need to be controlling – taking over, managing people or situations (PPT) by anticipating others’ needs & trying to provide them as best as the child can.  Control is an attempt to ‘fix’ problems, as well as handle both day-to-day details & larger tasks – even trying to manage things out of the child’s control. The effort can feel physically calming – temporarily – so becomes compulsive.

🤐 Emotional Suppression
Children consumed by Over-Doing don’t have the space to be quiet & calm inside, to find out what they’re feeling emotionally, even physically. Some may be obviously angry, but most drown in terror (unidentified anxiety).  Any form of pain has to be ignored & suppressed.

Children learn their emotions are never to be acknowledged – it’s just a huge annoyance.  But while never admitted, dysfunctional parents ‘bleed’ their emotions all over the place – anger, depression, worry, neediness.…   For the children, the message is “Do, do, do, but do NOT feel.”

😇 Over-Responsibility
Children become Over-doers because to survive they’re compelled to make up for the lack of parenting skills in the damaged adults round them. It’s made clear that any problem – big or small –  is somehow the children’s fault & their responsibility to fix. With limited knowledge & little or no support, they try to do the impossible.

They realized early on that ‘everything’ depends on being able to figure out how to stay alive, manage the chaos & neglect, & compensate for being unacceptable to their family.  So they use every ounce of determination & creativity to be ‘little’ adults, carrying on their thin shoulders all the burdens that should rightly be on the caregivers.

👣 Codependent
This is one of several defense mechanisms developed in unhealthy families, where there’s usually one adult who is intensely narcissistic & hard, & if there is another – are likely the softer co-dependent one, perhaps who is withdrawn, with low self-esteem. In this case, children will copy one or the other, not having the right to form their own identity . This leaves them very vulnerable, & one way to compensate is by Over-doing, trying to stave off loneliness, anxiety & a scary sense of emptiness.

🥸 High-achieving
This characteristic builds on perfectionism & wanting to feel in control. Fixing things at home then extends to school, & eventually to work & career. The rebel kid make a point of not doing well, even though they’re smart & creative too, but have decided “Why bother”.
“Book-smart” types do well in school, going as high academically as possible. They’re quietly trying to be totally prepared for all inevitable negative outcomes, or fulfill some demand & expectation of a parent so they’ll be recognized as ‘good enough’.

To cope with the lack of love & acceptance from family, they develop incredibly high standards & expectations of themself, & external rewards may soothe the anxiety – a little. But like any addiction, the satisfactions is never enough.  Over-doing has to be maintained at a fever pitch, until burnout stops the treadmill.

NEXT : ACoA UNDER-Doers

PREVIOUS :

POST : Toxic Family RULES  // HERO family ROLE

DEF: Over-doing (o-functioning) is when someone takes on emotional &/or practical responsibilities in life areas which are way beyond what is appropriate or expected for a particular role (parent) or developmental level (child), especially to the point of causing negative physical or psychological consequences into adulthood.

Over-doing can act like a dog whistle to under-doers, narcissistic, & other exploitative types. It’s a power-play. Damaging parents just assume children are to be used to their own advantage, They benefit from the child’s built-in deference & attachment to them.  These Kids are prematurely pressed into taking on adult responsibilities to meet the emotional needs & lacks of their parents & siblings.
So, many become domestic slaves, doing everything the adults can’t or don’t want to. The Over-giving child feels impelled by desperation & panic, not just expressing themself or being empathic ….

IRONY : Emotionally immature parents rely too heavily on their children yet also resent them. They’re ‘fed’ by the power dynamic BUT feel the child’s needs as a source of irritation & inconvenience . The child is experienced as a competitor for resources & attention, rather than as an innocent being  legitimately entitled to their love & support. (Role reversal ↗️ )
💥 This puts them in no-win double bind: the child must suppress their humanity to preserve attachment needed for survival.

EARLY LIFE ‘ACEs’ : Adverse Childhood Experiences
❤️ In healthy families, parents carry the emotional & practical responsibility for the household. Kids get to be kids — free to play, make mistakes, & be cared for.

🩶 BUT : Over-functioning (O=F ) in children comes with an underlying agenda, & is a learned behavior . It’s about adult-child imbalances, inappropriate expectations & excessive demands.

🖤 Years of early trauma** can lead children to become Over-doers as a way to manage the anxiety of not feeling accepted & loved. They try anything & everything to stay connected to a parent, no matter how abusive, hoping to get their approval – even permission to exist!  The terror is that if they don’t take care of the adult(s) – they’ll be thrown away as useless. I
It’s one of many forms of abandonment. To a small child this feels like life & death – & may be. 

** NOTE – Trauma is experienced in every PMES area, some more severe & long lasting than others
√ Abuse – all the painful things done to you or to someone near you
√ Neglect – all the good, helpful, wonderful things you did not get

NEXT : Childhood effects on Over-Doing (#2)

PREVIOUS : Grief ADVICE

SITE : Tortoise & Hare Story – 7 Powerful Lessons

This topic is all about TIME. ACoAs come in 2 flavors, either —
√ wasting ‘free time’ not knowing how to self- motivate when no-one or nothing from the outside is pressing them to act (fear of Empty Time)
OR
√ filling in very second of the day with activity with no free time – ever, reacting to external pressures, real or imagined. (see Toxic Rules)

The Illusion of Faster
Slowing down may be the hardest but most urgent skill we can develop since the world is operating at warp speeds, so the challenge of keeping up can be overwhelming. There’s too much to be done, & all done yesterday.
The days are too short, the nights barely exist. Alerts, messages, deadlines, decisions. Screens blinking. Phones pinging. The only way to keep up is to run faster – and even if you do, you still fall behind.

However- If we want to build organizations, relationships & personal lives that are meaningful & resilient, we must reject the myth that faster is better.

The Myth of Multi-tasking
When we have a lot to do & not enough time, a natural response is to multitask. We quickly reply to emails while we’re preparing a presentation. Shoot off a message on WhatsApp while juggling a Zoom call. Listen to a podcast while skimming an article we need to read for a meeting later in the day…. It seems like we’re getting a lot done.

But we’re mistaken. Research consistently tells us that multitasking significantly reduces our efficiency. For example, a 2011 study found that people “who are forced to multitask perform significantly worse than those forced to work sequentially.”

EXCEPTION 1. These examples are all activities that require mental attention at the same time – therefore the warning is correct.
However, limited multi-tasking is possible if one action is physical while the other mental – neither being too strenuous or emotionally tasking.
EXPs : Being on an exercise bike & watching a movie //  walking, ironing, knitting, cooking … while talking on the phone

EXCEPTION 2. to the rule : women’s brains are provided with the ability to multi-task for motherhood!

Slowing Down to Speed Up
When we try to do too much all at once, or try to do too much too quickly, we don’t do anything well. And, curiously, we do it more slowly, too. We need what we might call the practice of “slow attention” – the practice of focusing fully on one task, one moment, one breath at a time. It’s the practice of being fully present for what we do.

When faced with overwhelming demands, with multiple competing claims on our energy & attention (alerts & pings…), the most efficient way of responding is to slow down. Instead of trying to do 10 things at once, it’s best to do one thing at a time, sequentially.

In the movie TOP GUN, Maverick – an elite Navy fighter pilot – says: “I feel the need. The need … for speed!”. However- there’s another actual famous saying attributed to the Navy SEALS : “Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”

Reclaiming Our Life
Beside managing our practical life better – what’s even more important is our humanity. Instead of being present to our feelings & experience, we drown in a sea of distractions & deadlines. When racing through life, we lose more than IQ points. We lose the connection to ourself,  just reacting rather than living intentionally, letting everything external dictate our agenda rather than choosing how we want to spend the very limited time we have.

To be truly present we need to slow down, not just performing like a puppet. If we stay in our body, with our current emotions & thoughts (PMES) it transforms how we relate to ourself & others. It allows deeper listening, authentic engagement & greater empathy so we’re able to genuinely connect.
For ACoAs – one huge benefit is that living this way helps us FEEL SAFER in the world! which is the WIC‘s deepest desire & need.

AND it’s a skill we can develop, one choice at a time.
SUGGESTIONS :
1. Counter procrastination by rejecting perfectionism. (Attend Al-anon regularly).
2. Limit Digital Noise – mute non-essential notifications & schedule screen-free time. Protect sacred spaces in your environment for in-person connection.
3. Anchor with recovery sayings from the Healthy Adult : I can handle what you Little One can’t & shouldn’t have to”.  Repeat  “I am enough just for today” or “Presence over pressure” during moments of stress. These aren’t just affirmations – they help signal safety to your brain.

4. Intentionally Single-Task . Choose one task & give it your full focus. Practice No multitasking. This reduces cognitive overload & increases fulfillment. You get to see positive results!

5. Pause with Purpose. Take 5 minutes a day to breathe deeply & scan your body. This helps move your nervous system out of fight-or-flight mode & into calm awareness.

6. Reflect Daily. Spend a few minutes journaling or simply asking: What mattered most today? (10th Step) This helps align actions with values.

NEXT :  ACoAs OVERDOING (1a)

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – 

SITE :

1. NEGATIVES

♦︎ “I see you’ve moved on to the _____  grief stage”
The reality of grieving is that we will go thru the many stages higglety-pigglety, never in a straight line.
The common distortion is that you’re supposed to be on the right track to closure.
So – if the bereaved person doesn’t react at all, or slips back & forth between the stages, even overlapping them – they’re not on that imagine path to the ‘correct’ way of healing. They’re considered to be doing grief wrong, & somehow resistant, weak or stubborn.
If you treat them that way – you cruelly add stress to the already overwhelming pain of their loss.

♦︎ “I haven’t seen you cry, so I didn’t think you were that upset”
How dumb – like you can read the griever’s heart! Unfortunately – in our culture many people judge how well others are doing only by outward appearances (EXP: If you’re successful & happy – you must have grown up in a healthy loving family! BUT Recovering people know there’s no correlation)
This ‘rule’ then gets applied to anyone experiencing a loss – if they’re acting fine, they must be fine. It’s another way for observers to reinforce the message to not feel emotions, & definitely not to show the ‘unpleasant’ ones.

♦︎ “If you ignore it, it will get better”
No it will not! Anyone who has ignored physical signals for a long time that something’s not right – is later shocked to find themself with a long-term debilitating immune-deficiency or terminal illness. Suppressing grief emotions also have severe physical effects.

♦︎ “Time is a great healer”
While there is truth in this, saying it to someone who’s feeling miserable is insensitive & unhelpful. Grieving is a process and yes, it does take time. But how long is individual to the person, & will be affected by who has died, & how they died.

♦︎ “You’ll get over it”
There are some losses one will never be able to get over – like the murder of your child….. & other events that will take many years to recover from – like your home burning down around you, where you lose everything, especially devastating is losing the things that can never be replaced….. At best you’ll have to “learn to live with it”.

♦︎ “You must be strong”
This advice is meant to sound encouraging (like a pep talk) but again – it actually means you should NOT have any of those ‘weak’ things called emotions (about this horrendous loss).
You wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself – in public – would you? Besides, if you fall apart – I’ll have to take care of you, which I can’t/ don’t want to. So be strong!

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2. POSITIVES
Whether you’ve been bereaved yourself at some point, or are with someone who’s just lost their soul mate, child, sibling or friend, there are things you can do to be comforting.

Sometimes silence is good.  Don’t feel the need to fill every moment with sound.  Touch can say just as much as words, sometimes more.  Simple actions such as making a cup of herbal tea, leaving a bunch of flowers….  or harder ones, like going with them to the mortician, to identify the body or to the memorial service. …. can speak volumes. You can’t take the pain away, but you can share a little in the acceptance of being human.
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NEXT : GRIEF –

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – & Children

POST :  “Resilience & Humor”
📌 Developing Resilience : Spiritual, #2

↗️ ARTWORK : Grief is a journey through emotions that can change from day to day, even moment to moment. These twists & turns feel unsettling, like being on a roller coaster.  Grief upends our life & makes us feel disoriented & directionless. Common are frequent setbacks & feeling lost.
But like being on a roller coaster, grief is manageable if we stop trying to control the experience, & surrender to the ride ⤵️ . With time, the right help & connecting to Higher Power, we eventually get to a better place.

1. For yourSELF – to start healing from a loss
√ Attend group therapy : A trained therapist as guide & your peers – who are all going through something similar – will understand as no one else can. An excellent option if you want more friend-like experiences or are nervous about one-to-one with a counselor.

√ Be patient & kind to yourself : Because grief is not linear, and there’s no timeline for how long the process takes, life events can trigger layers of distress, so accept with compassion how hard grief-healing-tasks are.

√ Get fresh air daily : Being outside in the sun (when possible), taking a 30-minute walk & moving around at home (instead of doom-scrolling) – resets sensory experiences that can help with circadian rhythms, that will clear & calm the mind.

√ Journaling : Put your thoughts on paper, as long as they’re honest, unsanitized & without self judgment. You don’t have to share them, or only with someone you fully trust.

√ Practice a hobby : Do things just for fun & not to get a specific end-product. The goal is to be therapeutic without DO-ing something practical. Playing, that gives you moments of happiness, strengthens resilience.

√ Practice self-care : Being prepared for whatever comes your way needs space to develop. Self-care shift the focus off all the other essentials in life – so you can just be you.

√ Visit with the deceased : Even if you don’t have access to a physical location where the deceased lived or where you spent time together, you can picture it & talk to them in your mind. It’s not crazy & can feel very grounding.

√ See a therapist: In place of -or- along side of ‘group’, find an experienced grief-specialist who fits your needs & personality so you don’t have to ‘reinvent the wheel’. Doing grief therapy as soon as possible could save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

💚 DAILY Actions
⭐︎ Prayer & reading a modern version of The Psalms are very healing & soothing (some for sleep or as Dramatized Audio)
⭐︎ Mindfulness can train you to focus on the present moment instead of reliving the past or dissociating about future threats
⭐︎ Crying is a healthy release , releasing feel-good hormones such as oxytocin & endorphins.
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2. For OTHERS – to support a bereaved person
🔅Ask how you can help : Check in & remember not to feel pressured to ‘fix’ anything. Listening & being kind is enough.

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – Gender differences

SITE : Grief & Bereavement — scroll TO “How children and teenagers view death”

BOOK :“Grief Journal for Kids – guided prompts….“

Grief is universal. If a child can react to separation with fear & tears – temporary or permanent –  then they have the capacity to grieve. While there are some similarities to adult grief, there are also some distinctions, such as the child’s age & development, which will affect how they understand & respond to death.

Pre-schoolers/young children : Between ages 2-4, children usually think that death is temporary & reversible. They may ask, “When will mom come back?” even after you’ve told the child that “mom’s gone for ever “.  It is also very common for grieving children this age to seriously regress to an earlier developmental stage (toilet-training, language, &/or clinging behavior).

School-age: Between ages 5-8 children are tend more toward guilt & magical thinking. They may say : “It’s my fault this happened.” Or think of death as a person (the boogeyman), so their dreams & fears will reflect this.
Between 9-12 they start to understand that death is permanent, the way adults do, but may want more details about what happened.  They may ask : “What happened to Grandpa? And then what?” At this age children are more likely express grief physically, such as complain of headaches & stomachaches. They may also revert to more clinging behavior, &/or have outbursts of anger.

Adolescents: Teens between 13-18 tend to realize that death is  permanent & universal, so it can happen to anyone – like you & me.  After a death, teens may feel a need to connect with family, as well as to keep their independence, which can be confusing & may lead to friction in the family.
As part of these experiences they’ll start forming opinions about morality, the world, & their role in life, which may be the same or different from the family & the person who died.

Parents & Caregivers : Get help if the child….
⚙︎ …. never talks about the person who died, or they leave the room when the deceased’s name is mentioned
⚙︎ ….. ‘s aggression becomes destructive, especially if this is new or unusual behavior
⚙︎ …… develops persisting anxiety, any talk of suicide, &/or starts abusing substances.

One of the strongest predictors of how well a child will cope with a severe loss is how well their parent(s) is functioning after a death of their loved one.  ADULT : Ask & get support for yourself. Asking becomes a model for the children to copy, to show that it’s okay to reach out for help, one of the most important coping tools. See hospice resources. 
TIPS to help your child
☆ Accept their way of expressing their emotions, as well as setting appropriate boundaries for behavior
☆ Allow & encourage them to keep their rightful place in the family – still being a child
☆ Allow them to honor & remember the person who died. Memories are important & powerful. Don’t avoid them.

☆ Become a listener. ☆ Remind the child that it’s courageous to let themself grieve

☆ Children need outlets to release energy. Pay attention to how they behave when playing – understand that it’s one way to share their grief with the adults

☆ Communicate with the adults in the child’s life (teachers, coaches….) so they can be part of the support system

☆ Keep routines & structure in the child’s life as normal as possible. The rules for conduct should stay the same – but realistic

☆ Know you won’t have all the answers. Saying “I don’t know” OR “What do you think?” are honest & powerful responses.
Listening to their answer will help you know what information they need to feel comforted & safer

☆ Let the child choose whether they want to participate in the funeral & burial functions. If yes, prepare them by explaining what to expect & will see at the funeral. EXP : photos, the coffin, crying adults, reminiscing about the deceased….

☆ Understand that grief expressions can vary, even within a family.  One child may show a lot of emotion. Another may want to do something in memory of the person who died….

☆Give clear explanations, without euphemisms such as “lost, passed away, sleeping”….. Being direct means using the words:  dead, died, death & dying. It’s more honest.

NEXT : GRIEF – Helping to heal