PREVIOUS : What Parents should NEVER SAY (#2)

NOTE to ACoAs :  As an adult, notice if you’ve incorporated any of the following posts as part of your negative introject voice.  Gradually change the DON’Ts by constantly disagreeing with them – into healthier, more balanced options.

Things Parents Should NOT DO —— DON’T
🔹 APOLOGIZE for them
Kids have their own pride & sometimes don’t like to admit when they’re wrong. But it’s not a parent’s job to step in & make excuses for their mistakes or inappropriate behavior. Teach them the difference between doing something wrong vs. their personality style, which is not a flaw. 

When you apologize over & over,  your child doesn’t learn to take responsibility for their actions – without beating themself up.  Even if it takes some time & reminding, help them become willing to say “I’m sorry” when caught out – so it becomes an internalized rule

🔹 ASSUME their taste is the same as yours
Curb your own narcissism & stop imposing your taste on them. Keep noticing, accepting & respect each kid’s tastes – in music, food, fun…. & any interests based on their own observations & on how they learn by exploring their world. Let them choose what they like better (than you) as long as it’s not harmful.

Kids are amazing beings, with unique talents & gifts. Give them the option to explore lots of different things so they can choose what’s best for them. A child with a genuine interest is much more likely to give it their all rather than someone forced to do something they don’t love.

🔹 be your child’s “BEST FRIEND”
No matter what, admit & accept that you can never be your kid’s buddy. Friendship demands equal positions on both sides & you can never be equal to a child. Parents have authority over their kids. which includes telling them what’s wrong & what’s right – which buddy’s don’t have a right to. 

Your responsibility is to take care of them.   But many parents want to be their kids’ best friends & not keep any secrets. This is symbiotic, boundary invasive, destroying trust in & respect for adults & is potentially emotional incest.  Stop trying to impose a friendship label that will eventually weaken the ties of what should be a sacred bond.

🔹 bend your RULES
If you’ve set a legitimate set of rules for your family (especially young kids) , with built-in realistic consequences , it’s extremely important that – as much as possible – you follow thru when the rules are broken, regardless of why.

If one parent ignores or bends one or more of the rules (often dad) the other will always be considered the ‘mean/ bad ’ one (usually mom).  This will cause more problems over the long haul between them & later for adult relationships.

🔹CHOOSE your child’s friends
It is easy to want our kids to be friends with the children of our own friends. It may be a dream to have playdates with adults & kids who all love each other & get along all the time.

While this may sound like the perfect scenario, it doesn’t always work out that way. Your child may love the kid with the lizards, even though you don’t want to be within 10 feet of the slimy buggers. Let your kids gravitate to and build friendships with the people they enjoy. Don’t force on them who you believe are the perfect friends for them.

🔹 confuse your child’s NEEDS with WANTS
You may think that children don’t know what’s important, but even the younger ones – with limited info – do have a sense of values. Like the difference between healthy food & candy. They may always want to choose wants over needs – but that’s the parent’s job to make the priorities clear, without being rigid or harsh. 

Sometimes it’s ok to let them have a want first, as long as the need follows – like an extra 1/2 hour on the tablet then bedtime without tears or a ‘weird’ choice of clothes on the weekend but not for school.  A constant ‘NO’ to your kid’s wants can lead to frustrated rage, lower self-esteem, & feeling like a victim or prisoner. Even more basic – it will suppress your child’s natural personality & take on yours instead. 

NEXT :  ThingsParents Should NOT DO (#2)

PREVIOUS : What Parents Should NEVER SAY (#1)

TOXIC things to NEVER SAY (con’t)

⚫️ WHY Can’t You 
⛔️ be more like your sibling / cousins….?  Sibling rivalry is another part of growing up in many families – often promoted by parental favoritism. But when parents actively use taunt it as a control, the child is clearly being told that they’re defective in some way – not good enough at their core. This can also negatively affect the sibling being put on a pedestal, insuring the children will not be able to bond.

⛔️ do anything right?” While it may sound like a question, it actually is an accusation guaranteed to not get a positive response. Parents who say this to young kids are strangely surprised when -later- they can’t get their adolescents to do anything

⚫️ YOU :
🔻 have to give them a hug / kiss” While you may want your kids to be warm toward friends or family members – pushing them to give hugs or kisses – deeply disrespects their personal boundaries. Insisting they rigidly conform to adult rules of politeness inhibits the child’s ability to become aware of their own feelings & intuition about other people.
This is especially deadly when the adult in question has been mean to or even molested the child without the parent being aware of it. Demanding expressions of affection without discrimination or choice can turn into poor judgement in the future, leaving the child passively open to being abused in relationships.

🔻 should be ashamed” Human being are given the capacity to feel shame – when they’ve broken a law or rule. However this demand is used by an angry parent as emotional blackmail – to control the child’s attitude or behavior, & is always harmful. Shaming comes from a place of entitlement – that their feelings are more important than the child’s.  It’s absorbed on several levels that a child can’t sift through, but will eventually conclude that everything they do & feel is bad.

🔻 should have done better ” You may wish your kid would have gotten an A instead of a B+, but telling them their efforts weren’t good enough makes them feel bad about their abilities & who they are as a person. This is also form of shaming, & that the child is responsible for the parent feeling puffed up, rather than supporting the child’s abilities.

🔻 were an accident ” Even if your kids weren’t planned , saying this will definitely cause long-lasting emotional scars.  Having children is the parents’ responsibility – not the fault of the child who didn’t have a choice.
And adding ‘we love you anyway,’ doesn’t soften the blow. The child’s feeling is “I’m just being tolerated!  They’d be happier if I were dead…..”

⚫️ YOU’RE :
🔻 the best at that!” Telling your kids they’re already the best at something can be more problematic than not praising them at all. This is a pressure to be the best, to constantly excel, to make the family proud.  It’s a major contributing factor to childhood anxiety,  & can lead to fear of failure, worries about disappointing you, & an unwillingness to try new things.

🔻 okay / it’s ok  ” Whenever possible, avoid saying this phrase. Even if the parent thinks they’re trying to make things better when the child is hurt or crying, this is like a pat on the head, an automatic response rather a comfort. It implies that they’re really not in pain, or they shouldn’t be upset, & challenges their reality. Kids need permission to feel whatever, & when necessary to figure out what’s so upsetting.

🔻 lazy” This is usually meant to indicate that the child is inherently unmotivated, which will only make them feel like there’s nothing they can do to change that. The child will form a picture or identity of themself that negates so many other parts of their abilities.
Accusing a child of being lazy is mislabeling the behavior (when not doing something well or not at all). Actually, it can be that the child is distracted by family chaos, is not feeling well, is being forced to over-do, is afraid to get it wrong, has not been shown how to do something the right way or at all…..

🔻 selfish” All kids are selfishly by nature – a defense mechanism – which parents should understand. Children’s focus is on how they feel, what they want & what feels good.  So telling them they’re inherently selfish is not only inaccurate but leaves no room for developing into mature adults. Also,  it’s crucial to make it clear that what is disappointing is what the child did, not who they are fundamentally.

🔻 stupid ” Saying this to your child – especially often – can negatively shift their core belief about themself, & permanently harm your relationship.  You might be saying it in moments of frustration or anger, but the injury can last many years, since children take things very literally.

🔻 so dramatic.” Even when you’re sure the kid’s reaction is over the top, labeling them “dramatic” when they’re trying to express themself can have serious long-term damage to self-esteem & identity. Maybe the child is expressing a very bad situation without know-how else to express, &/or they may be a very ‘sensitive’ soul who feel things more deeply than others. Children look to their parents to see how to manage emotions, so if they’re taught that their feelings are ridiculous or unrealistic – they’ll grow into adults who believe that they don’t matter & feel ashamed of emotions

NEXT : Parental DON’Ts

PREVIOUS :

SITE : CRAZY things parents say 

NOTE to ACoAs :  Notice if you use any of these ugly statements as part of your harsh inner voice.  Gradually change the DON’Ts into patience & kindness instead – by constantly disagreeing with them.

REALITY :  Being a parent is hard. Stopping yourself from saying hurtful things is part of what makes it hard. There has to be balance between discipline,  enjoyment & rest. We want our kids to grow into confident, capable adults who can take on the world. That kind of strength & independence starts with us.

TOXIC things to NEVER SAY

📛 don’t feel that way. Even if your child says something you know is less than completely true like, “I hate you,” it’s still important you don’t dismiss the emotion. ‘You don’t feel that way’ is one of the worst things parents can say to their children. Parents need to validate children’s feelings even if they don’t agree with them or wish they didn’t say something hurtful.

— “Stop crying.” (Or I’ll give you something to cry about!) It can be confusing to a tear-filled child to hear that what they’re expressing isn’t ok with you.  It gives several messages – “my emotional are bad and I’m bad for showing them, I have to hide how I feel so I don’t displease or hurt mom, crying is a weakness….” They’ll be less likely to be helped & comforted by you in the future when struggling with something. Besides, have you ever been told to stop crying? Did it ever work?

📛 “I wish you’d never been born.” This is the ultimate cruelty! No matter how frustrated you are with your child, it’s never acceptable to tell say this. It can scar them for life. When you’re that overwhelmed, quickly remove yourself until you’ve gathered yourself enough to react more reasonably, even if not lovingly.

📛 don’t be such a baby.” Acting younger than their normal pattern (emotional regression) can show up when a new baby arrives & gets all the attention, or when a child is injured from playing or a fight with another child.  This accusation can be damaging because it invalidates the child’s physical pain &/or emotions of fear or anger.

📛 “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”  First – they’re not you!  Making your children second-guess their own choices — especially with word that seems threatening — can have serious long-term consequences. It sends the message that you don’t have faith in their decision-making abilities. Instead, help them think of better alternatives for the situation that are age appropriate

📛 “I don’t believe you ” You’re assuming your child is (always) lying. By regularly indicating distrust, you severely damage your relationship. Kids quickly learn to hide their actions from you because they no longer feel safe opening up. If you want to  keep a loving connection start with belief & acceptance when they try to tell you something. You can verify it later if you’re not sure.

📛 “Hurry up.” It may be frustrating that kids take forever to get out the door, but telling them to hurry isn’t actually going to motivate them.  Instead, it creates more stress & anxiety in the child who is already doing their best to find their shoes to get ready….  Also, each child has their own inner clock & muscle strength for activities – which can be observed & then helped to use to their advantage. You can motivate them by making it a game of who can get ready the fastest.

📛 “The others don’t do that.” If you pressure your kids to do things by comparing them to their peers at home – they’ll never learn to handle peer pressure at school or the playground. It not only reduces their self-esteem & a sense of personal agency, but encourage unhealthy competition with others

📛 “What did you do to yourself?”  While you probably are not going to appreciate your older kid’s new hair color, nose ring or tattoo, you’ll completely shut them down if you start out by implying they’re ugly, stupid or ‘crazy’. When they feel judged & not good enough for their parent, they won’t feel good enough for anyone else

📛 “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Fear is a very needed emotion that can protect us from harm. There are real things in the world that are dangerous & scary. This statement sends the message that something is wrong with the child for how they feel.  Instead of invalidating their emotions & experiences, help your child identify what is realistic to be afraid of & what’s safe or neutral – with PPT (people , places & things).

📛 What’s wrong with you?” When we’re frustrated it’s too easy to say this. but blatantly telling your kids there’s something wrong with them will always be harmful.  Kids take things we say very literally, & negative messages last a lifetime.

NEXT : What to NEVER Say (#2)

PREVIOUS : LIFE SKILLS  (general)

REVIEW NOTE for ACoAs in Part 1
‼️ ….. Whatever your situation,  you can add &/or enhance these topics in your life as your own Loving Parent, (Personal & General). Develop & enhance them to help heal the Wounded Child AND to strengthen your Healthy Child.

🎄 LIFE SKILLS for Your Kids NOT Taught in School (cont)
1. GENERAL

2. PERSONAL
👫 Cooking and Nutrition
Cooking is a practical life skill that directly impacts health, independence & long term wellbeing. A wide knowledge of nutrition empowers children to make their one health-supporting choices.

The kitchen serves as a laboratory for countless life lessons beyond mere food preparation.  Cooking together provides natural opportunities for family bonding & passing on of cultural heritage. Even preschoolers can help with simple tasks.  Yet many students graduate without knowing how to prepare even basic meals or understand nutritional balance.

👫 Critical Thinking and Problem-Solving
Although schools may teach problem solving in subjects like math & science, critical thinking as a transferable life skill is not always clearly developed. Students need to learn how to evaluate information, question assumptions, and make reasoned decisions across different situations

In our past-paced info-overloaded world – children need to be able to carefully evaluation & question their environment. Encourage children to ask why, how & what if. Asking “why” is important to positively propel human innovation.

Critical thinking skills develop when parents encourage curiosity rather than provide immediate answers to every question. Dinner table debates about current events (age-appropriate) sharpen reasoning abilities.
Instead, guide them to analyze causes & consequences. Suggest real life scenarios such as choosing between two purchases, resolving a disagreement, or evaluating online information. Ask them to identify possible outcomes & justify their choices.

👫 Decision Making
As a consequence of the Critical Thinking skill, children can make better choices by knowing what options are available & then weighing their differences according to what’s needed in a present situation. The ability to identify alternatives, predict consequences, & evaluate outcomes prevents impulsivity & disappointment. Decision-making muscles strengthen through practice – starting with simple decisions like which book to read before bedtime.

👫 Effective Communication
Being able to share thoughts clearly, picking up on body language and carefully listening to others,- are keys to building strong connections with others. The digital generation needs direct & explicit instruction in face-to-face communication ability, previously learned through constant in-person interactions.

👫 Empathy and Community Involvement
Empathy is more than just understanding emotions & more than just kind actions. It’s developing the ability to imagine how others feel & respond appropriately.  It includes being compassionate & contributing positively to society.

These skills start with how parents treat their child when they’re struggling – by acknowledging their feelings & helping them process difficult experiences. Encourage regular acts of kindness within the family, school & neighborhood. When children develop a sense of social responsibility, they learn about different backgrounds, have the pleasure of being useful & develop stronger moral reasoning.

👫 Personal Hygiene
Personal hygiene covers daily habits that will keep the child healthy, be socially acceptable, & provide self-respect throughout life. Putting regular routines in place will become automatic with consistent practice & gentle reminders. This ‘establishes expectations’ in the child of “specific standards & guidelines for behavior & performance”. It allows the child to gradually assume responsibility for their bodies.

👫 Self-Advocacy
Self-advocacy allows children to get the right kin of help they may need, address things that upset them, & be part of decisions affecting their life.  This skill is especially important for those with learning differences or medical conditions. Teaching the difference between assertiveness & aggression helps children communicate effectively without alienating others. (s-a for adults)

👫 Time Management
Mornings often prove to be a time-management challenge, when kids have to accomplish many practical tasks before leaving home. Students may struggle using time efficiently -not from lack of ability – but because they’ve were never taught how to structure their time effectively.

Time management is a foundational executive function skill that influences academic performance, stress levels, & long term productivity. This crucial ability determines success in school, career, & personal relationships. Balancing homework, activities, family time & rest teaches children to use limited hours wisely & prevent burnout.

NEXT : VALUES to teach children (#1)

PREVIOUS : Responding to Insults (#4)

SITE  : 20 Life Skills Not Taught In School (any age)

POST : ‘The UNIT”  (adult + parent)

NOTE for ACoAs:
a. If you’re already a parent of small children, check to see how many of these issues in Part 1 & 2 you’re already working on applying (or not) & how well. 
b. OR IF you’re also in Recovery & don’t have children or your kids are already grown, then you may get to focus even more on your Inner Children.

‼️ Whatever your situation, add &/or enhance these topics (Personal & General) in your life by your own Loving Parent. Develop & improve them to heal the Wounded Child AND to strengthen your Healthy Child.

🎄 LIFE SKILLS NOT Taught in School
They will prepare your child for the challenges & opportunities of adulthood, complementing their school education.

1.  GENERAL

👫 Basic Home Maintenance
“Who left this mess?” daily echoes in households everywhere. Basic cleaning & organization skills prevent chaos in living spaces while preparing children for eventual independent living. Practical household skills are rarely taught in school yet they’re essential for independence & financial competence. Teaching children how to manage minor repairs & household upkeep builds confidence & self reliance.  

Each developmental stage included appropriate chores. EXP: preschoolers match socks, elementary students load dishwashers, teenagers mow lawns……  

👫 Conflict Resolution
Playground disputes are great opportunities to practice peaceful problem-solving techniques. Learning to manage disagreements without aggression or capitulation provides more compatible relationships in all areas of life.

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. But without guidance, children will develop their own coping strategies based on their personality – with avoidance, aggression, or passive behavior. Help your child understand the difference between disagreement & disrespect.
Teaching structured conflict resolution equips them with communication tools – such as using “I feel” statements instead of blaming – that strengthen relationships rather than damage them.

👫 Digital Literacy & Online Safety
Teens have to be able to manage online environments safely, due to the growing risks available in the cyber world. All children should learn & apply ethical behavior online,. It seems now that the average child in the US gets their first smartphone by age 11, so there’s an urgent need for responsible-usage education.

Being online is now crucial to education, communication & social interaction. Use has to include developing digital literacy, critical evaluation skills, & strong privacy awareness.

Teach children responsible online behavior so they recognize that their actions have long term consequences. Discuss the risks of oversharing personal infor such as location, school details, or financial data.

👫 Financial Literacy
Children find it hard to grasp the concept of money’s value in our increasingly cashless society, & many students graduate without understanding how money truly works. Even so there are daily opportunities to teach them such as at in-person stores, online shopping, or family budget talks. (Posts “Money Madness” archetypes)

Financial literacy underpins independence & long term stability. Teaching children practical money skills -early- prepares them to make smart decisions as adults. Discuss the risks & benefits of credit, the long term cost of debt, & the importance of emergency funds. Especially important (& hard for children) is tolerating  delayed gratification, encouraged by comparing impulse purchases vs. planned spending decisions.

👫 First Aid & Emergency Preparedness
Basic emergency response knowledge builds confidence & can significantly reduce harm in critical situations. Safety awareness includes knowing when adult help is needed vs. when a child can handle minor injuries independently,

Most children are never formally taught what to do during injuries, accidents, or natural disasters.  Age-appropriate responsibilities gradually increase from applying adhesive bandages to understanding serious emergency signs. Kids who know basic first aid are less likely to panic during minor accidents.
Teach the child how to get adult help, memorize emergency contact numbers, call emergency services, what information to provide, & how to stay calm while explaining a situation.

👫 Social Etiquette
Have them practice saying “Please” & “Thank you”. This will open doors for life that stay closed to people without basic courtesy. Social rules vary in different cultures & contexts, but will always smooth human interactions. Appropriate behavior in different settings, such as the library vs. playground, church vs a concert…. shows the child is learning event-awareness & respect for others.

NEXT : LIFE SKILLS (#2)

PREVIOUS : VALUES Parents SHOULD TEACH (#1)

REVIEW NOTE for ACoAs in Part 1

‼️ ….. Whatever your situation,  you can add &/or enhance these topics in your life as your own Loving Parent, (Personal & General). Develop & enhance them to help heal the Wounded Child AND to enhance your Healthy Child.

Values PARENTS should TEACH their kids – not the school (cont)

🪴 Honesty & Integrity
The goal isn’t raising perfect children who never make mistakes. Instead, it’s developing humans who can admit errors, make amends, & learn from their experiences – without beating themselves up.

A parent’s reaction determines whether they’ll continue being transparent. So when your child breaks something accidentally, they’ll find out whether being honest is truly safe in your family. If telling the truth causes an explosions of anger, they learn to hide mistakes instead of addressing them openly.

Children need to understand that honesty sometimes involves hard conversations, but that it ultimately strengthens relationships. However , when dealing with other people, they also need to learn that it includes having boundaries & when to be silent.

Integrity means balances actions with values, even when it’s inconvenient or emotionally uncomfortable. Your child watches whether you keep promises to them, follow through on commitments to others, & admit when you’ve made mistakes. These observations lets them know who is trustworthy & whether or not to adopt integrity as a value. To be a respected quality requires that it be expressed consistently over time.

🪴 Good Work Ethic
Some parents worry about pushing their kids too hard, but there’s immense value in teaching children to finish what they start. The goal isn’t to turn your kids into workaholics or perfectionists. It’s raising humans who eventually accept that worthwhile accomplishments require effort, persistence, & sometimes following thru even when they don’t feel motivated.

🪴 Personal Accountability
Children naturally want to blame others when things go wrong. A parent’s job is to helping them recognize their own part in situations – without crushing their self-worth or their spirit. Accountability shouldn’t become self-criticism or shame. Explain to your child the difference between taking responsibility for their choices & beating themselves up for being imperfect. You want them to understand & internalize that mistakes are learning opportunities rather than character flaws.

🪴 Self-worth
Your child’s Inner Voice is mainly formed through their interactions with you, as well as other important authority figures. When they make mistakes, how you respond becomes part of their self-talk for decades to come.
Building genuine self-worth relies on you regularly reminding your chid that their value is not based on daily activity, gender, looks, or accomplishments. Their individuality & personal style is noticed, respected & accepted – even when it may sometimes clash with the family. They need to know they matter simply because they’re human beings worthy of love & respect. (SITE : self-esteem tree)

🪴 Service to others 
Children who grow up contributing to their family’s wellbeing develop confidence & a purpose that extends far beyond their household. The key is that service shouldn’t feel like a punishment or obligation. When children understand that helping others creates positive changes in themself, strengthens their community & maybe even the larger world, they develop a genuine desire to contribute rather than feel resentful about having to obey the requirements.

🪴 Tolerance of others
Children notice everything. Exposure to diversity matters, but their attitude toward variations between themself & others comes mainly from your role-modeling. They hear your comments & tone of voice when talking about people from other backgrounds & beliefs. When you speak respectfully about someone who looks different, lives or worships differently than your family, the child learns acceptance as a natural response, & that those differences do not threaten us, but rather enrich our community.
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NEXT : 

PREVIOUS : LIFE SKILLS (#2)

SITE : 50 Life Skills Every Young Adult Should Know (Before Leaving the Nest)

NOTE for ACoAs:
a. If you’re already a parent of small children, check to see how many of these issues in Part 1 & 2 you’re already working on applying (or not) & how well.
b. OR IF you’re also in Recovery & don’t have children or your kids are already grown, then you may get to focus even more on your Inner Children.

‼️ ….. Whatever your situation,  you can add &/or improve these topics in your life as your own Loving Parent, (Personal & General). Develop & enhance them to help heal the Wounded Child AND to enhance your Healthy Child.

«
NEXT : VALUES Parents SHOULD TEACH (#2)

PREVIOUS : Courage & Anger

SITE : “12 Ways to Be More Courageous ” WikiHow

COURAGE (“strength of heart” from the Latin) is an essential quality in The R Factor tool box, because the situations we deal on a daily basis may not be so tough.  But some of the events that happen at home, at play or at work require an R that’s nothing but pure courage.  It takes courage to manage E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome), because the R is most important when the E is hardest. The more challenging the E, the greater the demand on our R Factor. 

Courage is about making our R stronger than the E, which starts with knowing who we are. That kind of inner strength comes from being dedicated to the core beliefs & values we choose to live by.  Courage is available when our commitment to those guiding principles is stronger than any circumstance we may face or impulse may feel.

Implementing critical “R Factor” disciplines gives us the power to reject Blame, Complaining, & Defensiveness (BCD), & so take complete ownership of our “20 Square Feet”. The system’s core guidelines improve decision-making, behavior & performance :

R1. Press Pause – Slowing down to override emotional impulses takes courage.
R2. Get Your Mind Right – Choosing the right mindset over convenient default behaviors requires strength & discipline.
R3. Step Up – Acting intentionally in the moment of trouble, or making unpopular decisions demands moral courage.

R4. Adjust & Adapt – Stepping out of our comfort zone to make proactive changes requires resilience.
R5. Make a Difference – Intentionally create positive experiences for others, understanding that your attitude & behavior impacts everyone & everything around you.
R6: Build Skill – Be deliberate & consistent about using daily action-habits to support personal growth & long-term goals.

💗                   💗                  💗

CORE Strategies to Develop Courage
🔆 Practice Self-Compassion : Be kind to yourself when you disappoint yourself (fail?) or feel scared.  Building courage takes time & perseverance

🔆 Identify Core Strengths: Recognize what you’re good at – even great – to boost self-confidence before taking a leap

🔆 Focus on Values: When fear says to stop, ask why the goal matters to you. Acting for a cause, a loved one, or your own core values can provides the emotional push needed

🔆 Act in Small Ways (Start Small): Build your courage-muscle by doing minor things that cause you some anxiety- for whole – where the stakes aren’t that high.  Say ‘no’ to a new dress you don’t need or having a second drink with friends…..

🔆 Focus on Your “Why“: Anchor your actions to a cause or person you care about. It’s often easier to be brave for others or a deeply held principle

🔆 Face Fears Directly: Identify & face what you’re afraid of – by PMES categories. List your strongest negative beliefs (Toxic Rules) that cause anxiety – to make them less overwhelming & less real

🔆 Overcome Negativity Bias : The human brain is wired to prioritize threats. Courage can be hard work because it’s neurologically exhausting to override these protective mechanisms to let us take necessary risks

🔆 Embrace & Reframe Failure : Accept the reality that things may not go the way you’d wish, or long for. Shift your mindset to see missteps or disappointments as constructive learning experiences

🔆 Build Self-Confidence: Develop competence in whatever skills best suit your native talents & interests.  It will help you trust that you can handle uncomfortable situations. Looking back at past challenges you’ve survived well builds a foundation for future success

🔆 Speak Your Truth: Practice saying what you think politely yet firmly on small matters. Then bigger ones will get easier. “Say what you mean but don’t say it mean.”

🔆 Confront the Unknown : The discomfort of uncertainty often paralyzes action. However, courage requires stepping into unpredictable situations where outcomes cannot be controlled.

🔆 Visualize Success: Imagine a successful outcome of a challenging situation to reduce anxiety. Then picture several different ways it could turn out – either neutrally or in your favor. Always look for options!

🔆 Manage Social Stakes : True courage can involve emotional risks, such as setting personal boundaries, being vulnerable, or speaking the truth against the majority

🔆 Seek Support: Surround yourself with caring & knowledgeable people who believe in you & are not envious or controlling,  as well as accountability-partners who encourage taking legitimate risks.

NEXT : VALUES Parents should Teach their Children, #1

PREVIOUS  : Courage

SITE :

St. Augustine popularized a famous concept of hope having two daughters : Anger – at the way things are, & Courage – to see that they do not remain that way.
Aristotle connected the two: the ‘mean’ between cowardice and rashness, the proper management of anger being an essential rational tool that drives justified, courageous action.

ANGER & COURAGE  are deeply connected, often acting as two sides of the same coin. Both emotions activate the sympathetic nervous system’s “fight” response, producing a surge of adrenaline. When properly regulated by our brain’s executive functioning, this physical mobilization provides the push needed to take decisive, moral action.

Anger – the Biology of Action – alerts us when something’s wrong, providing the raw, energizing fuel needed to overcome fear & stand up for our rights when a boundary has been crossed or a core value is threatened. Being angry it’s not a sign of destruction, but of desire.

Channeling anger productively requires courage – to pause, to understand what it’s trying to tell us. Then we can address the root of the problem assertively, & protect our boundaries with respect.

Courage is required to acknowledge this anger, identify the underlying cause, & express our needs instead of lashing out or bottling it up. It’s what allows us to channel anger’s intense energy into productive action = to speak up, confront difficult issues, & possibly drive meaningful change, rather than retreating.

It’s often easier to feel indignant or explosive than to admit feeling hurt, disappointed, or scared. It takes courage to let anger peel back the layers & show our genuine Self & our precious values. Courage helps us face fears, take risks, & act even when the outcome is uncertain.

Recent research (2025) was set up to see if anger might play a significant role in courageous feelings & behaviors. Participants were presented with a scenario of embezzlement.  They reacted to the perpetrators with anger, felt angrier after hearing the story & that the angrier participants felt, the more likely they were to intervene.
However, researchers also found that only 27% of participants actually did anything at all, & most chose subtle ways of intervening, like asking the “embezzlers” about their actions rather than taking the information to a superior.
This result fits with other findings that moral courage is quite rare, but that anger may still provide a necessary boost to give us the courage to stand up for our moral beliefs.

To be courageous we have to express our whole self. But we’ve been taught that people don’t like receiving our anger, so we’ve learned that it should be suppressed or hidden. However, there are some kinds of anger that are appropriate, such as when we see that others are harmed. (Read POST : Positive reasons .   ALSO ‘Anger – Healthy Uses“)

We can work to change the limited belief that all anger is always bad – & push thru’ to the point of accepting that it can be also good & useful , and can be good to express when done safely.  This shift is an act of courage within oneself (against the Bad Parent & Wounded Child’s experiences).

Dr. Michal Tapia has written about turning anger into courage in her book “The Courage Connection – Embracing CORAJE”

🔌 “CORAJE embodies both courage & anger – two emotions often seen as opposing forces but that, when harnessed together, can be transformative. Anger can propel us forward when rooted in a desire for justice, equity, or change. And Courage, allows us to face fears, take risks, & act even when the path is uncertain.

This dual meaning tells us that the same energy that fuels anger can ignite courage. Coraje reminds us that we have the ability to channel our emotions into strength & resilience, transforming frustration into action for positive change that can inspire others.

Leverage Coraje as a force for unity, promoting collaboration & solutions, rather than division or harm. Refrain from using it as an excuse for negativity or cynicism –  instead use it to build bridges & drive progress.

NEXT : COURAGE growth

PREVIOUS: Courage – 

SITE :  “Courage: Why some people act despite fear” (extensive)

1. BENEFITS : Being courageous transforms fear into action, empowering you to follow your dreams & go after your goals, stepping out of your comfort zone to live authentic to your True Self.

🧐Anxiety Decreases Notice how you feel after doing something growth-oriented, but uncomfortable or intimidating. After you do something brave  it’s energizing to discover you can handle whatever life brings.

🧐 Boosts Self-Confidence: Every time you successfully act in the face of fear or uncertainty, you prove to yourself that you can adapt & overcome. This builds deep, lasting self-assurance

🧐 Creates New Opportunities: Stepping into the unknown brings new opportunities  – experiences, people, & career paths that you would otherwise miss out on.  Life is never boring for the courageous.

🧐 Creativity is Unleashed – when your attention is focused on safety there’s li space for creativity. When you say “no” to fear, your creative energy is freed up.

🧐  Drives Personal Growth – According to a consensus on platforms like Quora, Courage is a fundamental skill that transforms potential into action, accelerates learning, and strengthens your capacity for success

🧐 Ego Shrinks – The wounded ego’s top priority is to keep you safe & its top emotion is fear. When you’re brave, you feed faith & starve damage. When you are courageous you stop making it all about yourself

🧐 Improved Health – Your central nervous system rests after doing something brave ! Living courageously increases self-worth which leads to improved self-care

🧐  Inspires Others: Acting with integrity and conviction doesn’t just benefit you; it motivates the people around you to step up, take risks, and be brave as well

Increases Confidence  — You’re only courageous when you do something without any guarantee that it’ll turn out as you hoped. Self-confidence only increases AFTER you do something you doubted you could do.

🧐  Minimizes Regret – Taking action—even when it’s scary—ensures you’re in charge of your own destiny rather than settling or wondering “what if or if only I had…..”

🧐Relationships Improve – When we are courageous inspire of anxiety,  we stop trying to control PPT (people, place  things) . The friendliest & most joyful people dare to reach out & connect with positive, interesting others, rather than always playing it safe.

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2. NEGATIVES (current or potential)
According to psychologists like Dr. Cynthia Pury, courage is value-neutral. When applied to destructive or unethical goals (like starting a violent conflict or acting out of malice) can cause massive harm to oneself & society.

😼 Maladaptive Courage – Research shows that excessive or Misaligned priorities  (“bad courage”) can result in destructive outcomes. When courage isn’t paired with critical thinking or a realistic admission of abilities, it morphs into reckless risk-taking,  endangering themself or others.

😼 Arrogance & Stubbornness : if the over-doer has a sense of superiority & disregard for the opinions & feelings of others, they may refuse to back down. The’ll ignore healthy advice to ‘step back’, or a react to negative feedback, exhausting themself by constantly “saving” others without setting boundaries.

Chronic Stress — Courage requires intense mental & emotional self-regulation.  Prolonged biochemical activation needed to face fear & risk puts a strain on the body’s nervous system. Without proper support, the constant stress can severely impact your health causing anxiety, fatigue & mental burnout.

😼 AccumulatingUnprocessed Trauma
Anyone who regularly puts themself in harm’s way (first responders, healthcare workers, activists… )  act courageously at the expense of processing their own emotions. Eventually it can cause trauma & PTSD, autoimmune diseases….

😼 “Dissociation” – Neurological & psychological studies show that courageous people can disconnect from their feelings of fear & physical arousal to focus on their goals.
This suppression is incredibly effective in an immediate crisis, but can become permanent emotional detachment, causing depression

😼 Social & Professional Repercussions — When exercising moral & social courage, often we’re disrupting the status quo. This can lead to:
▪︎ Alienation: Speaking uncomfortable truths or standing up for your values will cause friction or conflict with family, friends & work peers or bosses, isolating you as ‘punishment’
▪︎ Backlash: Whistleblowing or challenging authority can easily result in retaliation, loss of social standing & approval, or job loss.
▪︎ Misunderstood motives : Boldly standing up for convictions or pushing for change can be seen by many as arrogance, being stubborn, contrary, or a ‘pot stirring’.

😼 Toll of “Psychological Bravery”- The real-life consequences of psychological courage can be heavy. Letting yourself be vulnerable with ‘open’ boundaries requires a specific type of moral courage.  It may be satisfying, but can also be lonely.

NEXT : Courage