PREVIOUS :  GRIEF — 

SITE: “AI Uncovers Hidden Differences between Male and Female Brain Structures”

” Dementia’s Gender Differences Revealed ”

BOOK : “Grieving Beyond Gender – Understanding Diverse Grieving Styles”

POST: re. BOUNDARIES (scroll)

When considering gender differences in grief expression, it’s important to note that not all men will automatically express the male model nor all women the female model – either gender can display characteristics of -or- act from of the opposite style. Since there’s no right way to grieve, neither style is better.  What is noticeable is that people tend to grieve in a the way they deal with life in general – based on their personality, family & culture.

However you grieve – it will impact your needs, wants & expectations, so a deeper understanding can support your healing & acceptance. Either type will benefit from reaching out for help, rather than trying to work through grief alone. (LISTs from various sources)

Interestingly, research shows women tend to be more sympathetic toward grievers in general, but neither gender is more sympathetic toward grieving female than to grieving males.

MASCULINE type is characterized by suppressing feelings & refusing to express emotional distress. This in no way implies that men are without deep emotion – they are just as physically & psychologically capable. But without processing the grief, they reject a critical part of their personal history.
SITE : “How Men Grieve”

THEY are more likely:
▶︎ Controlled: to keep emotions tamped down, are less likely to cry, & try to ‘get rid of” the pain quickly.  They don’t want to look weak to others & vulnerability can be socially dangerous, so don’t use conversation to process their loss

▶︎ Practical : focus is on “fixing it”, relying on their own resources & problem solving, rather than turning to other people & resources

▶︎ Guilt – feel they should have been able to save a spouse or parent from an illness or trajedy, or protect their child from death.

Men try to cope – THEY :
☆ Activities : may try to re-connect with mate & other family by doing things together, or hanging out more with ‘the guys’

☆ Family needs : will take on more responsibility if there has been a child’s death, such as paying bills, planing the funeral, doing more household chores, staying home more…

☆ Isolating : tend to avoid anything too personal with others for fear of showing their pain, & may get angry if not left to grieve on their own. Also may spend longer hours at work to escape the sorrow in the family

☆ Projects & tasks : may distract themself or find release by exercising, doing physical labor, working in the yard, building something, & take on more jobs to increase family’s economic security

FEMININE ways are more about sharing feeling openly –  reaching out for support & talking through the grief. This processing helps women deal with grief more effectively – not with less pain but be able to cope better in the long run. Common reactions :
► Connecting = believe that talking helps the healing process –  rather than focusing on fixing it or problem solving. They share their emotions with friends & loved ones, & when possible with a counselor &/or support group – to feel their way through the grief, which also helps to deepen their perspective about the death & their life afterward.

► Isolated = may feel alone when other family members have trouble sharing their sadness, & become angry or resentful when others cannot join them in working through their grief.

Women cope BY :
☆ Telling their story : repeat the experience of loss over & over to help process their feelings, which can help them come to terms with the harsh reality, understand their emotions about it, and feel heard & supported.
This can include reaching out to their social networks or creating new ones, to find others who can understand their loss.

☆Remembrances : may focused on continually thinking about the loved one, create a shrine, have a memorial event to celebrate the loss, or set up a foundation to help others

☆ Reviewing : part of processing is to think back over their relationships. If they’re having trouble working through grief – even with help – it may be that they’re holding blame toward diseased parents, against themself for a bad relationship with their dead partner or spouse, or because of deeper feelings of disloyalty-guilt about trying to move on

☆ Writing :  may express grief through writing it out in daily journaling, especially in the early day & weeks. Also reading other people’s experiences, that helps reduce the feelings of isolation.
(The Memory of You, Mom – a guided journal)

NEXT : GRIEF –

PREVIOUS: Grief- Extended Cycle (#1)

POST : Accepting Emotions

Grief  Cycle (cont)
1 – Shock // 2. Denial // 3. Betrayal // 4, Sadness

5. Guilt and Shame – the ‘shoulds’ are a major part of grief. You’re weeks or months into the cycle, & may still blame yourself for what you could have done differently. You think : “I should have visited more. // I should have called them. I should have made more time….”
 Shame often follows guilt, shrinking your world : “What did I do wrong? I must deserve this.” You feel small, withdraw, stop socializing, avoid people because you feel unworthy of happiness. The tumble down to loneliness, guilt & isolation can be quite rough, almost making those lows look restful compared to what it took to get there.

Loneliness & isolation can breed depression. We can make matters worse for ourself if we intentionally shut out the rest of the world.
But time alone & loneliness are not the same. Solitude is needed to think things through, regroup, reflect & recharge.  Some isolation can also be a protection against having to put on a mask to act as if you’re doing better than you actually are.

💔 6. Identity Crisis – the lowest point. Loss has changed everything – birthdays, Christmases, routines…. It all feels sooo different. “Who am I without them?” For a while, you don’t have the energy to be concerned about the discrepancy between who you knew yourself to be & who this stranger in the mirror is now.

Disorganization – is part of the mental fog & lack of clarity during the depression of grief. You’re not sure what day of the week it is, whether you took a shower or ate lunch….
Panic can set in when this disconnect is noticed. “What if I never go back to who I was? ” Panic that things will always be this disjointed & hard to understand, and about what your future might hold. 

7. Understanding – the slow process of meaning-making:
“At least we had time together // At least they weren’t in pain. Maybe we’ll be together again one day.”

It’s easy to stay stuck at rock bottom, convinced there’s no way ahead, so the shift from Identity Crisis → Understanding is the hardest part of the cycle. Support from friends, family, or therapy is crucial here. This is where you start to accept the reality of the loss,  letting go of the relationship at a deep level.

At the same time – we believe we can bear a crisis more easily if there’s some purpose in suffering.  But we have to discover the **treasures hidden in it on our own, rather than having others point them out, or they’ll just be empty platitudes. (**prove your core strength, miracles in disastrous situations, good triumphing over evil, redemption,….)

8. Acceptance is not about forgetting or moving on. It’s the deeper realization that they are gone, and I am still here. You begin to adjust. Your sense of them moves from the present to the past, in memory. (More in future posts)

9. Forgiveness is about letting go of blame. It releases the emotional weight of grief.  At this point, you’ve moved past the denial, guilt & anger, & not hurting as badly as before.
❤️‍🩹 Forgive yourself (for what you should have done). Forgive them (for leaving you). Forgive doctors, other people, & circumstances that might have played a role.

10. Healing – You start to rebuild, As the heaviness lifts, life feels possible again. Fear can also get in your way here, but for a different reason – fear of letting yourself love again, so you may put off a new love relationship or have another child – to prevent the pain of future loss.  Even so, the healing gives resilience new energy & you start to re-engage as much as you can. 

The is key is learning to love yourself enough to create a joyful life. The audio program “nurturing your inner child” can help prepare you for optimistic transitions.

11.  The New Normal – Life after grief includes spiritual awareness. You incorporate a sense of stability, clarity, & peace. Death is a part of life, & we need a spiritual belief system that provides resilience, allowing us to be at peace with this reality.

NEXT : GRIEF – Gender Differences

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – Debunking ‘ Stages’

POST :  Accessing Emotions

SITE : BOOK: “Loss and Growth: The Grief Spiral – Transformative Bereavement” [Kindle]   Elissa Bishop-Becker M.Ed. LPC NCC

↗️  Grief is a cycle we revisit throughout our life. We grieve many things, even missing a bus. It can happen on 2 levels:
✑ Macro – Deep, long-term grief, such as losing someone we loved dearly, that’s not over when the funeral ends.
✑ Micro  – Daily, moment-to-moment experiences (see grief INTRO – Secondary and TYPES).

Grieving isn’t linear. We don’t move cleanly from Shock → Denial → Betrayal…. Instead, we oscillate between emotions, sometimes experiencing multiple stages at once. Do not judge yourself or allow others to – you have the right to fully grieve & in your own time. You may not get over your loss, but you will survive it.

3. Betrayal = the reaction to being left behind, often turning into anger – a much stronger part of grief – especially when the death is by violence, or of ones child.
The anger could be at the person who died. You think : “You shouldn’t have died. You should have taken better care of yourself. If you hadn’t smoked, you’d still be here….”  

You may also feel betrayed by the injustice of what happened, by God for letting it happen, or by yourself for being powerless : “If I’d been a better partner, they wouldn’t have left me…. If I’d forced them to go to the doctor sooner, they wouldn’t have died. OR if the doctors had done more..…”

Emotional Outbursts – Often with trauma there is hyper-vigilance, so grievers can be easily triggered. The fight-flight instinct is revved up, looking for impending dangers all the time, causing disproportionate reactions to ‘normal’ situations. Increased levels of cortisol in this escalated state of vigilance puts a lot of wear & tear on body & mind. 

4. Sadness = oftenest emotional throughout the cycle. While many painful grief-emotions can be relieved in church & therapy, sadness cannot.  It’s not just about crying – it’s the deep, melancholy oboe, a constant companion when everything is harder.  Even on “good” days it’s in the background, its volume rising & falling, depending on how much attention we give it.
Yet sadness plays an essential role, forcing us to regroup – physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially & spiritually (PMES). It instinctively makes us turn inward & slow down, as if our soul says “Time out. I need to acknowledge what’s happened & consider what I want to do next – just for today.”
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NEXT : GRIEF – Extended Cycle (#2)

PREVIOUS : GRIEF & the Body, #2

SITE : Types of Psychological Theories (many)

STAGES
One of the most commonly known & accepted psychological concepts is that grief proceeds in stages. This isthe work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the Swiss-American psychiatrist & death-&-dying expert.  She helped soften some of the stigma of grieving, making it a little more acceptable to talk about & get support for loss.

Actually, Kubler-Ross originally develop the stages to describe the process patients go through as they come to terms with having a terminal illnesses. The 5 stages— denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance — were only later applied to grieving friends & family who seemed to undergo a similar process after the loss of their loved ones.

NOTE: While individually each emotion or attitude in the Stages has validity & worth paying attention to in our life – the issue here is the misuse of the series – the expectation that humans should proceed in a specific & required sequence of mourning.

REALITY : There’s no research evidence that = most people = most of the time go through = most of the stages in order, no matter how much people want to create simple, bullet-point guidelines for the human response to loss. Even so, the urge seems irresistible – to compress the complexities of life into neat, tidy boxes.

Why stages? Humans are pattern-seeking, storytelling beings trying to make sense of a confusing & unpredictable world, by imposing order on chaos, inject predictability into uncertainty, & optimism over despair.
The importance of storytelling is a focus of Cognitive Psychology & ‘narrative psychotherapy,’ helping clients change negative self-talk (‘look at all I’ve suffered’) ——> into positives (‘I not only survived but triumphed’).  So,  what’s wrong with stages?

🔻 In developmental psychology, the idea of predictable life stages (‘Passage Theories’ – see AI def) disappeared with changing social & economic conditions. They were developed from a time when most people marched through life with total inevitability : marry at an early age —-> then have children when young—-> then work, work, work —-> then maybe have a midlife crisis —-> then retire —-> then die.  

🔻 Rigid theories impose psychological pressure by creating unrealistic expectations about what & how you should be “feeling”-  in a predictable direction (sad ——> happy), AND guilt that you should be farther along in your grief journey.  ★ Stay away from any psychotherapy or post-trauma interventions based on ‘inevitable’ stages. A particular procedure may be true for a particular griever, but it’s not universal.

🔻 A little Denial is Normal.  This may sound odd, given that it’s always considered inherently harmful. Research now tells us that it’s not automatically bad.  Denial is healthy in moderate amounts, the brain’s way of providing “denial breaks” so we don’t get too great a dose of grief before we’re ready. It lets us relax, regroup, & get ready for the pain we’ll inevitably face.
Being forced to confront harsh grief-related emotions all at once can be cruel, even psychologically dangerous.

🔻 Grief can Shake our Faith. Faith isn’t just about religion. We believe in many things – in ourself, in others, & in the future. When someone dies, our faith in these things takes a hit. We’re sure we’ll ever be the same again, & neither will the whole world – since it so badly let us down!

Most people believe “What comes around goes around,” so if we’re consistently good, we’ll be rewarded with good things. This is a “comfort-fantasy”, which is rudely challenged by the loss of a loved one, leaving us feeling guilty & punished for somehow not ‘living right’. Actually, life is rarely fair, so people do not always get what they deserve – good or bad.

🔻 The Grieving process does not always lead to ‘total’ Acceptance. Most people never stop missing their departed loved ones, but some losses are so unacceptable that the person is crushed for the rest of their life.
EXP : 2 famous fathers who were never the same after the death of their son — Aristotle Onassis (Alexander), & Dean Martin (Dean Paul). Or a UK man, after his father’s death.
NOTE – many other men & women have lost a son or daughter, but no matter how great the pain, they were not permanently devastated.     See SITE : Effects of Losing a Child

NEXT : Grief – EXTENDED Cycle, #1

PREVIOUS : GRIEF — Colors (#1)

SITE : “The COLOR of GRIEF“(celebrity CHEF)

BOOKs :”Colors of Grief ” – Poems
“International Handbook of Art Therapy…..” 

COLOR PSYCHOLOGY in Daily Life enhances well-being:
✧ Colorful Self-Expression : Whether through art, fashion, or personal spaces, let your color choices reflect your unique personality & emotions.
✧ Home Decor : Choose colors that align with the atmosphere you want to create. Relaxation = calming blues & greens in your bedroom. Energy & Creativity = add pops of vibrant colors like orange & purple in your workspace
✧ Mindful of Color Choices in your daily surroundings, from the paint on the walls to the artwork you display. Consider the emotional & psychological effects these colors may have on your well-being
✧ Wardrobe Choices : Dress in colors that are comfortable & help you feel confident – to have a positive effect on your mood. Experiment with different shades to match your age, environment & the current emotional state you’re in.

In Psychological Terms – All colors of the rainbow convey grief’s complexity & can be used to gradually move you toward integration :
▪︎ Blue channels feelings of sadness that lessen but still linger
▪︎ Green reveals the first buds of new growth & life’s meaning
▪︎ Indigo represents honoring the memory of the loved one,  as a reminder that reconnect us to them
▪︎ Orange embodies the frustrations of having to live a ‘new’ way
▪︎ Red represents swirling anger, guilt & agitation
▪︎ Violet & magenta hold the mysteries of why loss occurs, & what dreams can hold
▪︎ Yellow illuminates dawning hope & optimism

GRIEF’s many shades evolve slowly, without a set sequence or time frame, its color palette as varied as human experience itself. Exploring them lets us see into our personal emotional landscape, knowing that some days being easier than others.

Grief is not mono-chromatic, it’s multi-dimensional.  Though it may start with darker tones like gray & black, it will gradually incorporate lighter hues like green, yellow, & glimpses of the rainbow. The breadth of options shows the depth of our relationships with the lost one, & the deepest feelings are in technicolor. Colors are the energy-levels we carry in our body & spirit, to help re-assemble the broken pieces of this life we’ve been given.

Grievers can use color to encourage healing by incorporating it into their environment & clothing (but not red or black) :
❥ Blue: to promote calm & tranquility, & soothe emotional pain
❥ Green: for renewal & growth, encourages healing & hope
❥ Yellow: warmth & positivity, uplifts the spirit in hard times
❥ Purple: for spirituality & introspection, aids emotional processing
❥ White:  for purity & peace, for a sense of comfort & clarity
❥ Pink: for love & compassion, fostering self-care & emotional support.

MORE generally, we can choose comforting colors to wear or surround ourself with that are typical in the WEST during grief – no matter how long that is :

❀ Black = Traditionally associated with mourning & loss, especially at funerals, for solemnity & reflecting on the deceased
❀ Soft Blues = Evokes tranquility, helping to soothe emotions
❀ Dark Blue = Represents depth, conveying a sense of calm
OR
❀ Deep Purple = Linked to mourning, for dignity & respect
❀ Gray = A neutral color that reflects sadness without being too stark – can give a sense of quiet in chaotic times
❀ White = Provides a sense of peaceful solitude
OR
❀ Muted Earth Tones = Browns & greens connect to nature, & can offer grounding & stability
❀ Soft Pastels = Light colors – pale rose & lavenders – a gentle presence without being overwhelming

✹ Avoid Bright Colors, as other mourners or relatives may consider them disrespectful.
However, Although religion & tradition are still important there’s been a change toward personalized funerals as a celebration of life.  The deceased may have wished their mourners to wear brights, or the family may request participants to wear a specific color or ribbon in support of a charity. See: ” What to wear to a funeral guide.”

COLORS not to wear at a wake, memorial or funeral
◘ Bright Reds = In 90% of Western cultures, red symbolizes passion, danger, or celebration – the opposite of mourning.
◘ Neon or Electric Brights = these trigger physical alertness – exactly what grieving brains do not need.
◘ Shiny Metallics = they reflect light 3–5x more than matte fabrics –  making the wearer the literal “center of attention” when the focus should be on the casket or family. (MORE….)

GRIEF – Original Debunked

PREVIOUS : GRIEF – Existential Aspects

SITEs  :
❖ Ashes into Diamonds
★ Deceased clothes into ‘memorial’ items

We often refer to life in terms of colors :
♦︎ Holy days are purple
♦︎ Lonely days seem gray
♦︎ Rainy or sad days seem blue & darker
♦︎ Sunny days are yellow or golden
“I see red”  when feeling angry
“I feel blue” when feeling sad

While there’s an entire spectrum of color to life — that all changes when a loved one dies.
🩶 Grief seems like a long gray Winter. Life is drained of color, transitioned from the❤️‍🔥 harsh & glaring trauma of loss – to the bleakness of feeling lonely, sad & despairing. It’s like being in a long dark tunnel with no available light anywhere.

 The Pinnacle of Emotion is Grief (not Love).
On the color wheel, the 3 primaries are red, yellow, blue.  All others are combinations. Amazingly, this matches the way our emotions are structured. 
★ If we combine anger & guilt / empathy, we feel grief. And under that – survivor’s guilt.
☆ If we combine joy & shame / guilt, we get fear (of loss, of harm, or death).  The negative version is terror with freezing.
Fear also has a positive side – endorphins generate thrill, which both humans & animals adore.  (More….)

GRIEF COLORS
BLACK
Black is the external color of mourning expressing darkness & emptiness, showing the depth of sorrow & pain. Ironically, Black also represents anger (‘black rage’), also part of grief. It may be the anger at the injustice of loss, at being left behind, abandoned.
Suppressed anger can fester & deaden grief. The boldness of black is to openly acknowledge this anger, which also hints at what is going to be reborn. Out of the bleakness – like soil nurturing a seed – new growth can slowly emerge. So black ultimately gives way to light & life again.

GREY
Gray is the internal color most associated with grief, as in ashes, monuments, stormy skies, & tombstones. It’s about gloom, detachment, emptiness, & isolation – a dulling of life’s normal brightness.

Wearing gray can be a visible expression of inner sorrow.
It can also suggests ambiguity. Loss plunges the bereaved into unknown territory without a map, leaving them confused & bewildered, struggling to figure out what their life looks like now without the loved one.

PURPLE
Purple combines shades of blue & wine red. As a blend of colors, it reflects the many emotions of grief, its grimness underscoring grief’s pain & sadness. In color-psychology assessments, purple is the most emotionally complex – with the sadness of blue, the frustration of red, & the optimism of lavender.

Purple & its traditional association with royalty – speaks to the meaning & wisdom grief can uncover. Loss opens doors to examine life’s most important issues we can use to reorient our life,  such as mortality, legacy, spirituality, & the breadth of a relationship. While incredibly painful, grief’s revelations may gift greater perspective, priorities, & purpose.

BLUE 
Blue is a cooler, dreary color that reminds us of grief’s sadness & despair.  Light blue has a melancholy, tearful quality. Darker blue is like sinking into a deep ocean of misery that overwhelms & envelops. Grievers often find themself plunged into emotional depths they didn’t know existed.
In music, “Singing the blues” & bluesy rhythms echo mournful emotions. Pablo Picasso’s “blue period” features cold, gloomy paintings that reflected his deep sorrow after the loss of a friend.
Yet blue also symbolizes calm & tranquility in the eye of stormy feelings – the serenity of a clear blue sky or still blue ocean.

GREEN
Green seems an unlikely color to connect with grief. Yet its  association with nature’s regenerative cycles makes sense. Green represents movement – of both the good & the unwanted. Wounds often worsen before they improve, & green too will feel more intense before gradually lightening. It’s an evolving process, with ups & downs, as we adjust to the loss.

Green also symbolizes renewal. Budding greenery of spring after the frozen winter is a picture of new life emerging. Hope slowly returns as grievers learn to keep living without their loved one. Beautiful things still exist in the world, waiting to be rediscovered.

This chart is a personal way to color the emotions & experiences of grief  (More….) :
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NEXT : Grief & Colors (#2)

PREVIOUS : GRIF – & the BODY, #3

SITE : ” Existential Therapy and the Search for Meaning After Loss”

IMAGE : Created by Marie S. Dezelic, Ph.D. and Gabriel Ghanoum, Psy.D., © 2014

GRIEF – the process a bereaved person goes through to absorb the loss after the death of someone special to them – is an individualized process, where no two styles are exactly the same.

DEF : “Existential“ refers to the examination of the human condition, the ‘meaning of life’ & the search for purpose. It explores themes of freedom, choice, & individual responsibility. Can refer to situations that cause deep reflection about one’s existence.

Conceptual Pictograph ⬆️
This “Meaning-Centered Model of Grief” was designed to be a concrete tool & handout for clinicians & patients to apply to the grief therapy process. The “Tangled Ball” shows how the many emotions & their layers are experienced via the various healing modelities designed by pioneers in the field of Death & Dying Grief Work.

Viktor Frankl spoke of 2 triads in Existential Analysis Logotherapy, with 3 concepts each.
▶︎ In The Tragic Triad = people in deep sorrow experience:
◎ Unavoidable Suffering, as the death of a loved one, or other trauma
◎ Guilt : the responsibility, fault, or blame because of a situation they’ve been a part of, caused, or has been hurt by
◎ Death: the awareness of, questioning about & despondence they feel when realizing how fleeting life is

▶︎ In The Neurotic Triad—people in despair feel :
◎ Depression: experienced in the griever’s inner world, having lost their will to live
◎ Aggression:  an outward expression of violence of internal rage used to try controlling others & their environment. OR rage turned inward, harming themself by self-mutilation or, at the extreme in a suicide attempt
◎ Addiction:  wanting to numb their pain & despair by substance abuse or various forms of thrill-seeking, to feel invincible & appear larger-than-life, without considering the consequences.

In the initial stages of grief, the inner experiences & outer expressions of pain represented by the Tangled Ball can lead to Existential Frustration, Despair & Loss of Hope.
And further – combining the griever’s “internal pulling force toward the lost one with their emptiness, boredom, apathy, struggle, & a sense of meaningless existence” – may cause a temporary Existential Vacuum.

The clinician’s work is to be present, validate, support, & help navigate the griever’s internal emotional landscape through the Triads – as they try to “understand” the loss (forming ‘meaning constructions‘ – also used in seeing films).  (▼Artwork from SITE )
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Considerations in Grief Work
✭ Age of Griever, Gender = their age & mental development impacts how someone feels, understands & integrates the death into their current experience. Likewise, men & women grieve differently, and approach the process from a different set of acceptable parts of the gender roles they each hold.

✭ Amount of Suffering = if the griever witnessed their loved one suffer for an extended period. If prolonged, the surviver may feel relief afterward, & at a sudden death they’re relieved there wasn’t prolonged suffering

✭ Attachment style, & Nature of Relationship with Deceased = will play a major role in how grief is felt. The griever may use the same style in expressing sorrow, or acting that way may no longer feel comfortable or safe.

✭ Current Support Network = the grief experience can be very lonely, as the person may feel no one understands their loss, so outside support can offer some reprieve. (Support options)

✭ Former Losses & Traumatic Exposure = subjected to several losses (family members, spouse, beloved pet) can compound the traumatic response. Or – lessen the impact if they’ve developed coping strategies or have become used to death.

✭ Griever’s Culture, Faith Beliefs = their practices impact the grief process by increasing certain expectations , but can also bring peace & comfort through ceremonies & support.

✭ Nature of the Death = was it sudden, as a tragic accident, suicide or homicide. Or prolonged & expected, as a terminal illness diagnosis

✭ Other Stressors in griever’s Life = include financial constraints, work-related problems, family relationship issues, & their own personal medical complications/disabilities. These will add to feeling overwhelmed which intensifies the grief, leading to chronic or traumatic reactions.

MORE (scroll down) : 1. Processing thru Stages, Spiraling thru Stages, Validating the grief
2. Continual Phase : Recovering Meaning, Resources of the Spirit, Healing thru Meaning, Memory, Restoration & Re-activation.
3. Overview of the Continual phase.

NEXT : GRIEF – & COLORS, #1

PREVIOUS : GRIEF & the Body, #1

▲ POEM : also from Melanie, 2017

SITE : ! Grief – and Your Brain’s Ability to Heal a Broken Heart” (Purchase Deck of 50 cards to help students)

PHYSICAL EFFECTS of grief
💟 Aches & pains
It’s common for people to experience generalized muscle aches in grief, sometimes so severe it feels like the flu! You’re experiencing the weight of constant stress, you’re fatigued, you may not be sleeping & your body is tense.  And research has found that grief “aggravates” symptoms of physical pain in older adults.

💟 Appetite Changes, more/less
Digestive problems & weight changes are common symptoms, including IBS. Eating is a common way to soothe ourselves, but the body needs to be relaxed to digest food. So soothing & stress is woven together with yo-yo appetite, including lack of exercise & personal care, overeating & more junk food, eating out more often, eating alone….feeling ravenous one day, nauseated the next

💟 Clumsiness
Personally & socially, grief can be very disorienting, since losses can causing trouble concentrating. Grief sucks up much of our energy, causing trouble concentrating. Something feels a little “off” physically. Being distracted & fatigued affects coordination, depth perception, & sense of personal space.

💟 Difficulty With Daily Activities
Physical symptoms of grief can make it hard to manage routine activities.  Feeling nervous or anxious can show up as fidgeting,  finger tapping, pacing /trouble sitting relaxed for very long, sweaty /clammy hands or feet, tingling or numbness in those extremities. OTHERS:  dry mouth, noise sensitivity, trembling or feeling shaky, throat or chest tightness, shortness of breath, & increased allergy symptoms.

💟  Dizziness & Mental Fog Lightheadedness can follow crying, shallow breathing, dehydration, or standing up too quickly after sitting for a long time. Cognitive fog sits over everything : names evaporate, tasks scatter, & time feels strange. The brain is doing heavy lifting, reconciling a before‑and‑after world, so working memory & focus run short for a while

💟 Fatigue
You feel exhausted all the time, run down, always ready for a nap. This is not laziness – it’s physiology. You swing between bursts of activity & long valleys of exhaustion, which can be disorienting if you expect a straight-line recovery. The brain anticipates a familiar voice, step, or routine but doesn’t find it, causing waves of yearning & crashes of depletion. This “protest‑collapse” rhythm explains why people can feel wired at midnight, then empty by morning

💟 Forgetfulness
In the same vein as “Dizziness”, grief can cause memory loss, particularly short-term. Many people report feeling disoriented, forgetful, or mentally “foggy” in the days, weeks, or even months following a loss. The body floods with cortisol & other stress hormones, which can impair the hippocampus, an area involved in memory & learning. See article Grief and Concentration: 8 Tips for Coping With an Inability to Focus

💟 Headaches
Crying, the tightness of bracing against waves of pain …. pull at the neck, jaw, scalp, & shoulder muscles. Clenching or grinding – especially in sleep – can lead to morning headaches from upper back to the base of the skull. Dehydration & skipped meals are also a cause.

💟 Immune system issues
Similar to physical exhaustion, the body’s resources can be preoccupied with the grieving process, so the immune system could be under-resourced & vulnerable to environmental dangers it would normally fight off with ease

💟  Muscle & body aches
Muscles & physical pain is connected to the body physically carrying out the tasks that grief presents. Tasks could include remembering or talking about the deceased, or internal prompts to sleep, cry, hug, or even clean. This all wears out the body, making it tired.

💟 Sick more often
There is plenty of research showing that stress in general, and grief specifically, can take a toll on the immune system, & this impact on the immune system has the most effect on older adults dealing with loses. (See Post on ‘Senior Grief’)

💟 Sleep Problems
Sleeping is a refuge that helps mourners temporarily escape the pain of grief. Insomnia can deprive them of the needed healing benefits of a good night’s sleep.  It can negatively affect physical coordination, cognitive function & blood pressure. It also shows in one’s appearance, such as puffy face & eyes.
On the other hand, sleeping too many hours at a time (or throughout the day) can actually sap energy, leaving the person lethargic.

NEXT :  Grief —

PREVIOUS : GRIEF & the Body, #1

ARTWORK ⬆️ from Melanie, 2017

SITEs : “Loss of (precious) Objects”
“Grieving Lost Objects: The Copper Kettle”

“The Body Keeps Score”

💔 IMP to remember – while most people think of grief only in terms of death & dying, we also experience loss – & therefore grief – when confronted with other kinds of endings (‘Secondary‘).  There is a lifetime of grieving to be done by us who are living, about current & historical childhood trauma & family abuse, as indicated in the post on Ancestral Grief.
EXP: Grieving the loss of time to our PMES damage.  This chart identifies some of the symptoms that need ‘tending & mending’ :
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❇️  After reading “Brain – #1” you may worry : Can grief permanently damage my brain?
Though grief does have major effects on the brain, the worst changes are temporary for most people. The brain is resilient & good at healing itself. Because of built in redundancy it will rebalance itself over time with proper care, even after very painful experiences. Science reinforces wisdom-knowledge that with compassionate support to restore confidence AND enough time to process, you will be able to adapt to the ‘new norm’. 

*** We know this is possible because of all the people who persistently work at Recovery in therapy & 12 Step Programs, along with a deeply held Spiritual connection – who are slowly undoing much of their old & more recent traumas.

One of those brain redundancies is Neuroplasticity  It can strengthen existing neuronal pathways (& lessen them, when needed), or establish entirely new neurons & connections. Any time you think (obsess ?) about the deceased, work on holding both the love & the pain you feel.

A major sign of neuroplasticity as psychological resilience is that its energy moves in both directions, shifting in response to a traumatic event then changing again in response to restorative experiences. Between loss-related thoughts & sharp mourning pangs ——> to restoration-related thoughts, like planing a special meal, testing out a new role or skill. Fortunately, this allows us to adapt, respond & grow in real time.

Grief is one of life’s great teachers. It presses us to live in the present, appreciate all we have right now, & learn how to be in the world without someone who was precious to us. And some changes are permanent. ** Read these excerpts from Clarissa Moll’s “The Gifts of Grief Brain” after her husband’s death :

❤️‍🩹 “Grief brain is the gift of perspective. It taught me to defer to my brain when it signals that it’s reaching maximum capacity. It taught me that my mind has limited energy & space, & I must choose carefully how to use & fill it. It taught me to spend less time planning for the future & more time focusing on what is before me now. And it has taught me to say “no” to a busy calendar, & “yes” to boundaries in challenging relationships.

My brain regained its capacity as the shock of Rob’s death wore off & my new life began to come into focus……However, my brain was not the same.…… Processes that had once been rote now needed conscious effort….. like at the gas station, when I did everything right – except forgot to start the pump, so drove away again on almost empty….. But no more kicking myself. Grief brain tells me, “Let it go. You’ve got more important things to think about.” That’s one thing I won’t forget.” 💝

Beyond acceptance, taking action can help you tackle some of the hopelessness you might feel when dealing with events out of your control. It’s too easy to stay in bed under the covers, wallowing in despair. But finding the courage to take action can help to get out of your head & connect with others – some who share a similar painful experience, AND some who know how to enjoy life to help lift you out of the pits. With time & ‘work’, the world will seem a little less bleak.
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NEXT: GRIEF – Effects in the BODY , #1

PREVIOUS : GRIEF types (S, T)

SITE: “The Gifts of Grief Brain”

BOOK :  “The Grieving Brain” 

DEFs :  Grief is a natural response to loss, so we’ll feel it forever. It’s as if someone turned up the volume dial all of a sudden,  knocking you off your feet & crashing over you like a wave.
EXP: Anger & grieving can go together. If someone blows up at a dinner party over a small dispute, you think, “What’s happening with them?” And then you remember, “Oh, they’re grieving & everything is amped up a bit.”

Grieving, on the other hand, has a time component, so our relationship to that original grief changes over time, which involve changes in the brain. It happens as we adapt to carrying the absence of the lost one with us.

Some people have the mistaken belief that once they work through the initial grief, they’ll never feel sad or struggle again. Or they secretly know this isn’t true but are determined to never open old wounds. The reality is that although we can heal, the memories & pain may come rushing back when we least expect it if something reminds us of what happened – even many yrs later.
EXP: Even though Mary had time to adjust to her mother having died when she was 10, the grief hit hard again when she was getting married at 20.

Being in a close relationship binds our sense of self with that other person. The ‘we’ is as important as the ‘me‘ or ‘you‘  because the brain really does encode it that way. So when someone says “I feel like I’ve lost part of myself,” it’s for a good reason, since the brain ‘feels’ that way too.

So, what’s happening in our brain ?
We know that grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, from recall memories to taking on the perspective of another person, to regulating our heart rate to having the experience of pain & suffering. So many parts orchestrate the feeling of grief.

We know that the death of those close to us is one of greatest human stressors, affecting us emotionally & physically. What we’re not taught is that this intensity can lead to grief brain.
Sorrowing can impact the brain to worsen memory, thinking & concentration. You might feel spacey, forgetful, or not able to make “good” decisions. It might even make it really hard to talk & express your thoughts. Fortunately for most people, the worst of these effects are temporary.

BUT – if intense symptoms last more than 6 months (the ‘norm’) – there’s a greater chance of developing unwanted changes in brain & body. A 2019 research review on neuro-imaging verified this. Brain imaging studies on grieving people show increased activity along a broad network of neurons.  With the severity of emotional distress, the brain starts to rewire its regular nerve connections, creating new pathways,  Chronic stress puts the brain into long-term survival mode. Prolonged grief can change the way you see the world,  replacing long-held beliefs.

EXP: Because of this, many grievers have a tendency to interpret physical symptoms as threatening, especially if they already tend toward hypocondria.
Google gets billions of searches on phrases like “I have a toothache, am I dying?” Before, a headache was a headache, but after a devastating loss, you’re all-too-familiar with the reality that life can turn on a dime. Suddenly that headache is considered a sign of something terrible. SEE : some ‘paranoid’ thoughts .

REASON : Blood is ‘diverted’ away from ——> the prefrontal cortex, the higher thinking regions needed for decision-making, becoming less active ——> to the limbic system which takes over, with its emotional & fear-based areas that are all about survival. And constant reminders of the loved one’s passing, (their favorite shirt or TV show), can keep triggering stress responses, making these new pathways stronger.

Researchers found lower amounts of rumination, excessive cortisol & inflammation in people who are resilient vs. those who are less so.  And the resilient ones had lower depression rates with higher emotional stability.

But for less resilient mourners – besides forming physical ailments, they also have mental health problems – especially if their loved one dies suddenly or violently. Unexpected death is often associated with PTSD & Panic Disorder.

NEXT : Grief – #2