PREVIOUS : Safety for Couples, #1

SITE : 🔻 HARMFUL ways to Communicate
🔺 “Safe WORDS for couples” 

👩‍❤️‍👨  Accountability & Follow Through
☼ No relationship can be perfect, but safe couples aren’t ashamed to say “I’m sorry.….”  No excuses. No “but you…” Just quiet admission, without defensiveness or justifications.
It’s not blame but about making repairs when you mess up. A sincere apology builds trust.  NOTE : Valid accountability comes from the Adult ego state, and without self-hate!  (↘️Add more)

☼ Follow through : To be legitimate, an apology must be followed by changes in attitude & practical actions. And keeping the other person in the loop helps to hold yourself accountable.
Also, when you commit to something & then actually do it, you prove your dependability & loyalty to the relationship.  Taking small steps lets your partner see you’re making a consistent effort.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Giving the benefit of the doubt
Heathy people are curious about what’s fueling their partner’s actions / non-actions – without paranoia or judgement. They don’t jump to conclusions about the other’s motives, goals, or preferences.
Most people’s motivations are subconscious, often connected to the baggage they bring from their past. Safe couples can disagree, but they also provide a safe energy of willingness to understand, without assuming the other of having bad intentions, 

👩‍❤️‍👨  Your nonverbal communication
Emotional safety includes body language, since we’re responsible for the words we say and the way we say them.
Vocal tone, eye shape, posture, & other micro expressions are constantly being noticed & interpreted, whether you realize it or not. Notice the nonverbal communication your body is ‘speaking’ before approaching your partner – especially when upset.
NEG : Can show indifference, exhaustion, frustration ….. with cold eyes, tightly pressed lips, a frown, harsh sound to the words. making you unsafe
POS :  OR can show calm, curiosity, lust ….. with soft muscles, a tilted head, a seductive grin, warm eyes – telegraphing that you are safe to connect with. 

👩‍❤️‍👨 Transparency
Honesty helps eliminate the potential for suspicion that partners are hiding something from each other. While you don’t need to share every nuance of your life, (see ‘Boundaries“), general openness about your thoughts, emotions & activities are needed for trust & safety.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Vulnerability
They are safe to share their tenderest inner world, the deepest secrets & insecurities. And they can talk about what they need, not just what’s missing.
Each partner responds with empathy, accepting the other’s emotions with kindness, even when they don’t fully understand or actually empathize.  It helps if you try putting yourself in the other’s shoes.

Safety includes validate the other’s opinions & actual experience, even if you don’t agree or have the same experience. This is Mirroring, reflecting back your partner’s words – to be sure you heard correctly. It’s a way to be supportive without trying to change or fix them or the situation – “That must be so hard,” or “I get why that would upset you”…..

👩‍❤️‍👨 Gratitude
When you are the one who has be open, let the other person know you  appreciate that they gave you a safe space to share. Thank them for listening without inserting their opinions or feelings, including specific compliments like “I’m grateful you make it easy to tell you what’s going on with me right now”. This safety also provides the time & space for emotional process & growth.

AND you don’t have to wait for something to happen to give a compliment or express gratitude. Little acts of love are minor, everyday things that go a long way to remind your partner how much you care. What strengthens this is knowing & applying the “Love Language” that each of you need to feel safe & loved.  Love thrives when it’s named.  Say ‘thank you’, celebrate small wins & remind each other what you admire about them in everyday life.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Therapy
Going regularly to “Couples counseling” can help build emotional safety by identifying how the couple fights, rather than only focusing on ‘fixing’ specific issues. A skilled & compatible therapist will guide them to create a new way of handling conflicts, so they can successfully deal with life’s challenges as they come. The goal is to work together rather than being at odds.

NEXT : SAFETY Growth

PREVIOUS :
UnSAFE Interactions

SITE : 🔺 75 Qs to Deepen Emotional Intimacy

BENEFITS of an emotionally safe relationship – YOU :
🔅 are valued & valuable, creating a strong connection between you two that provides nourishment & strength
🔅 know you’re seen, heard, & understood,  SO you can express yourself freely & fearlessly
🔅 can be your genuine Self with without risk of punishment
🔅 can have limitations & weaknesses without being taken advantage of !
 It takes time to build emotional safety, but the results are worth the effort. Even if there are glitches in some areas of the relationship, the good news is that making progress or being ok in some categories can lead to growth in the troublesome ones.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Being Physically Safe
This is a bedrock requirement. In a safe relationship – neither partner is worried about being hurt, intimidated or controlled by the other. Most couples fight, but what matters is how, and that they come back together after a conflict.
They reach out, check in, asking: “Are we okay?” or “Can we talk about that again?” They realize that disagreement doesn’t mean disconnection, but rather an opportunity to grow. They choose repair over silence.

 👩‍❤️‍👨 Be an active listener
Necessary to a secure relationship, both feel heard & validated. It’s about setting aside any visual / mental distraction & personal defenses, to fully take in what your partner is saying.
It also means that whenever fears or issues surface, either one feels safe enough to bring it up – even if it’s uncomfortable. That way you can prevent the problem from growing, & turning into a resentment. If you address a subject reasonably, fairly & with respect – at least it’s in the open, even if somethings are not easily solvable. Then managing becomes about acceptance.

EXPs : ▪︎ ask questions for info & clarification, instead of assuming you know what they mean. “Help me understand ….”
▪︎ use nonverbal signs like smiling, nodding, keeping eye contact…
▪︎ summarize or reflect back what was said, to be sure you did understand, or maybe need a correction

👩‍❤️‍👨  Assurance of Commitment
Along with a solid, day-to-day connection, thriving couples also have the assurance of a future together, a deep sense of permanence providing a secure attachment that benefits the whole family.  This is crucial because most people will not invest in something important to them – without a reasonable confidence in what’s on their horizon.
It also reduces / restricts various negative impulses, & encourages positive behaviors in order to maintain the relationship.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Trust (That You’re Loved)
Trust means having faith in the other person,  even when things get tense, you don’t second-guess or worry about your partner’s love . There’s a deep foundation of care, commitment, & consistency that makes being with them feel like a ‘safe haven’.

Trust grows from knowing each other well, having appropriate expectations, & not being in denial about their limitations. That allows you to treat them fairly.
** AND, you trust that your partner won’t use your vulnerabilities against you later.
Building Trust : be authentic, consistent, honest, reliable in word & actions, stay present, & keep promises.

👩‍❤️‍👨  Respect boundaries & agreements (consent)
Setting & respecting boundaries can increase safety when both are honest. Whatever the topic, describing a limit tells your partner what your needs are, as well as your preferences.  It also identifies what you will tolerate (mild) & what is not acceptable (severe).
SUMMARY — to set mutual boundaries, each partner has to know : ♦︎ Who they are   ♦︎ What their specific needs are   ♦︎ Where their line in the sand is and   ♦︎ What is less important to them.

Boundaries can be emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, sexual or social — all needed for nurturing respect. Once you set a boundary, it’s crucial that you & your partner respect it – as much as realistically possible.

HOWEVER: even agreed-on & appropriate boundaries may sometimes need to slip or be modified, depending on circumstances. RIGID Bs are actually walls – creating a separation between partners, based in fear, shame or guilt.
Suggestions:
☞ ask for space when you need alone-time
☞ stick to what’s important to you
☞ protect your time by not overcommitting
☞ share sensitive information gradually & with sensitivity
☞ clearly state your desire for & comfort level about intimacy

NEXT : Emotionally Safe Couples (#2)

PREVIOUS: Result of Unsafe Parents

SITE: ☀︎ PDF  “We Don’t Know What Safety Feels Like” 

POSTs :  Abandonment Pain – 4  ///  ACoAs Abandoning Others  – 8
“Unsafe People“// Real vs Fake People – 3

INSECURITY –  A more common term for lack of Emotional Safety 
DEF:  Result of all Insecure Attachment styles. Shows up as lack of confidence in oneself, creating fear and uncertainty, especially about one’s abilities, feeling inadequate in all areas of life.

1. BEHAVIORS of Emotionally Unsafe adults toward Self.  THEY :
♦︎ Are unaware of or ignore their own personal boundaries, leading to harmful or shameful interactions with others
♦︎  Are chronic procrastinators,  often late, poor planers, start but don’t finish tasks or projects
♦︎ Drive recklessly – resulting in injuries – ignore speed limits & traffic signals, talk on the cell, drive drunk
THEY
♦︎ Have emotional outburst, over-react to small frustrations
♦︎ Ignore health needs – regular checkups, yearly dentist visits,  not enough sleep, poor eating choices, wrong seasonal clothes….
♦︎  Neglect or ignore personal, family &/or work responsibilities
♦︎ Neglect safety gear in hazardous situations, like not wearing helmets or seatbelts, careless use of tools or safety goggles, masks….
THEY
♦︎ Self harm – cutting, banging head, hitting oneself in the face, suicide attempts …..
♦︎ Trust bullies, predators, narcissists, alcoholics….
♦︎ Take unnecessary risks in social situations – unable to use common sense – excessive drinking, drug use, unprotected sex
♦︎ Use substances irresponsibly, leading to impaired judgment & risky choices.

2. BEHAVIORS toward Others

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NEXT : Emotionally Safe Couples, (#1)

PREVIOUS : Emotionally UNSAFE PARENTS (#1)

SITE : “Emotional Abuse from Toxic Parents : Teen’s Guide….” by Leopards Publication (Author) and William Winder (Author

THIS LIST will be familiar to many readers – an extended version of the ACA Laundry List.
⛅︎ To counter these characteristics – Review the 2 POSTS : “My RIGHTS“,  and the “Permissions Synopsis”

🌱 As many ACAs in Recovery know, you can process the past to HEAL & GROW. Recognizing its effects on you is a good start. Remember Al-Anon’s 3 As : Awareness,  Acceptance & Action.
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NEXT : UNSAFE

PREVIOUS : SAFETY & the BODY (#2)

POSTs : ▪︎ 4 Parenting Styles (5)
▪︎ Harmful Mothers (3)

REALITY : All parents are flawed in some way, but some can still be good enough & safe enough to provide you with a secure start in life. But if ou had one or more parents or parent-subs who were Emotionally Unsafe, your mental wellbeing was damaged.  Growing up in an unsupportive, chronically stressful environment led to intense anxiety, depression & anger.

NOTE : Here are 2 lists. Part 1 is all about some of the ways our family was unsafe. Part 2, shows the effect on us as a result.
The * indicates that the examples are all written in the past tense, BUT for many of us, parents & other family members are still treating us the same way – even though we’re functional, intelligent adults, even quite accomplished !

INVENTORY : You’re not likely to identify with all, but you can use any one of these items to write about your experiences & accept the emotions it brings up.

SIGNS of Toxic Parenting : Mental abuse, physical abuse, harsh punishment, boasting “tough love”, gaslighting, & humiliation. Traits include being strict, critical, rigid, lacking emotional regulation, & insensitive toward others. (⬇️ LIST )
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NEXT : UNSAFE Parents – Results in US  (Part 2)

PREVIOUS : Emotional SAFETY & the BODY (#1)

🧠 The human brain is a marvelous instrument, giving us the ability to think, plan, create, & solve complex problems — skills that no other species has in quite the same way.
The down side is that it’s wired for survival more than for happiness.

The Brain’s Safety Mechanism

Q :  Brain ASKS – “Is this safe for me?”
“Everything we do in life is based on our brain’s determination to minimize danger & maximize reward.”  (D. Rock “Your Brain at Work”)

ACAs  : This is the one question we ’SHOULD’ be asking ourself all day long – not from paranoia, but to counter co-dependence & dissociation – because we don’t pat attention to internal signals warning us of danger or what’s just not right for us in the present !

On ONE level, there are things we’re blind to —–> out of straightforward ignorance, things our family never taught us or exposed us to.  EXP : How things really work in the world revolving around work, money, relationships, health….

At a DEEPER level, adults do know many things, gathered from experience, our native intelligence & senses, education, friends….  which we automatically ignore, mis-interpret or ‘logic’ away.
Without recovery, we may only ‘understand’ the signals thru the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles filter.

We talk ourself out of listening to our intuition about potential danger or current forms of abuse, neglect & abandonment. This comes from a combination of the Pig-Parent (Introject) & the wounded Child who is listening to & obeying it. “Don’t think, don’t feel, don’t talk”. (Post: “The UNIT” gives a correction)

NORMAL ANS: If NO = When we experience something as ‘not safe’, considering it a threat, the brain generates a stress response, making us feel cautious, nudging us to move AWAY from that person-place-thing (PPT).
If we stay, we feel fear in the body (tight shoulders, knotted stomach….). As the threat increases, our cognitive capacity decreases by 75% , making it much harder to make decisions, to come up with solutions or alternative ideas, or create anything new & interesting.

ANS : If YES – the brain generates a chemical reward response, the physical & mental sensation of “OK-ness”, so we feel positively drawn TOWARD that good thing.
▸ When we feel safe, the body refuels, regenerates, builds muscle & bone, empties waste products, fights off  ‘foreign invaders’ well – so the organism thrives.

OPPOSITE: A study compared the physiological profile of bullied students vs the bullies. Researchers measured an inflammatory marker called C-reactive protein (CRP) often used to detect infection. It also indicates a stressed, overactive immune system.
RESULTS: Bullied children had elevated CRP levels – compared to those who had not been bullied.
More disturbing –  CRP levels in the bullies were lower than the norm.
This is proof that there are social & physiological rewards for wielding power, & how that shows up is not subtle. *** Why give up power & control when anxiety & vulnerability are the alternatives?***

The Body’s Response to Threat
Growing up in a tense, chaotic or passive-aggressive neglecting family, children are constantly tense, anticipating possible threats. This hyper-vigilance, at first automatic, gradually define how the nervous system lives in the body.  As tension continues, day after day, it starts to feel familiar. The mind adjusts without fully noticing the cost, but emotional fatigue creeps in. 

▸ When not feeling safe, the body resist engaging, connecting, or providing the emotional warmth that relationships need to thrive. These are protective strategies that once serve a purpose but now interfere with the ability to be open & enjoy time with others.

And the lack of safety can hide in plain sight. Anxious adults :
♟ over-explain simple choices to avoid criticism
♟ feel drained after spending time with friends or family, from constantly worrying about signs of rejection
Or they may :  ♟ get a sudden jolt whenever the phone rings
♟ be reluctant to speak in certain rooms or locations
♟ have a compulsion to leave social settings without knowing why….

These physical & emotional cues make it hard to stay present. When anxiety riddles the body , daily responsibilities feel heavier & relationships pay the price. ‘Coping’ has turned into withdrawal, people pleasing, & over-relying on empty distractions. The nervous system can’t relax. Even in quiet moments meant for resting, it’s still on guard.

NEXT : UNSAFE PARENTS

PREVIOUS: Emotional Safety – OTHER types 

SITE : “Dynamic Healing“ = Polyvagal theory….

FAMILIAR : Given an unsafe childhood home & external environments, many of us struggle with emotional pain that can be overwhelming, & harmful thoughts that cause confusion & despair. In reaction, we try to push it all down — only to have them resurface in unexpected ways that we don’t understand. We feel pulled apart by conflicting needs & attitudes.

1. The Brain’s 3 Emotion Regulation Systems
⚙️ We react to childhood trauma & adult tragedies in disturbing ways – addictions, withdrawal, aggression, ambition, narcissism…..  Ironically these responses are not flaws – they’re the brain’s valiant but limited attempts to keep us safe, since they often work against us.
Learning about the brain’s 3 core systems — Threat, Drive, Soothing — can be used for learning to balance one’s thoughts & feelings.
It’s also important to consider our individual personality styles that influence how these systems function.

** NOTE : Site is extensive. Most is valid, but it’s recommended to ignore all explanations based on evolution, now less accepted by the scientific community.

a. Ongoing exposure to toxic stress or trauma in childhood affects brain development, often causing long-term difficulties, making it harder to cope later on
b. Early attachment relationships influences how we treat ourself, & how we relate to others – well into adulthood.
Both factors affect our Window of Tolerance – the zone of arousal where we function best.  (extensive info)
▪︎ When we’re outside that window, we feel anxious, & reactive, or emotionally shut down, even dissociated.
▪︎ Within it, we’re are in a state of balance, which allows for adaptive responses to stress – able to think clearly, stay present, & respond flexibly.

2. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory describes how our autonomic nervous system (ANS) affects safety, trust, & intimacy, through the Social-Engagement System (SES).… It picks up positive signals from others, needed to support us when under stress, with body language, voice quality, & facial expressions. If our SES likes what it sees & hears, it calms us. Since this operates unconsciously, we’re not aware that it is calming, that the SES overrides stress hormones when other people trigger us.

The brain is built to constantly detect & analyze information via our senses – telling us if we’re in a situation that’s safe, dangerous, or life threatening. The amygdala sends out urgent signals when something feels wrong, called neuroception, which sets off reactions meant to protect. Although these signals are usually unconscious, we can learn to be aware of them by observing defense mechanisms the brain mobilizes.

These can help in emergencies, but become overwhelming if we’re on high alert all the time. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for reflection & emotional regulation, then loses much needed influence. Thoughtful decisions are unavailable, replaced by reflex or retreat.

EXP re. a child hearing a parent’s question : In a supportive environment, he/she responds with ease. In a critical one, they will hesitate, scrambling for a safe answer before saying anything. With constant negative repetition, the brain comes to link uncertainty with danger, even when – later on – no immediate threat is present.

3. Traffic Lights
Another way to consider how the brain functions is to imagine it as a traffic light with the standard 3 colors. When our brain lights up one of them, it’s indicating something important that needs paying attention to – to use, ponder or escape.
3 Brains : 🟢 GREEN = Neocortex (safe)
🟡 YELLOW = Limbic System
🔴 RED = Brain Stem
When in RED Brain mode – we feel unsafe, ‘abandoned’ in PMES ways. We will try everything we can to feel safe, to get to Yellow Brain territory. But we’re in a double bind : to get to Yellow, we have to feel safe(er) ! and the way ACAs try – is usually counter-productive !

NOTE : Trauma survivors have been numbed out to these signals or are stuck in Red all the time.  And “Literalists” like Sensate people may think that factual events are all that matter. Actually, the way we perceive things is far more relevant to our understanding of reality, but its power is not often realized.
Physical safety is not enough to learn or function well. The feeling of being safe (loved, appreciated, valued, heard….) is just as important, if not more so.
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NEXT : Emotional SAFETY & the BODY (#2)

PREVIOUS: Emotionally SAFE – INTRO

SITE : “Understanding Safety Needs in Maslow’s Hierarchy”

POST : Maslow’s Pyramid of needs – Intro + 18 more

SAFETY is grounded in a combination of environments. To be valid, it requires predictability, order, & control. At  its best, some areas of life will provide more comfort, trust, & serenity – than others, & to varying degrees.

CATEGORIES of SAFETY Needs
🔷 Cyber Safety : Strategies to protect against online threats & to ensure data security
🔷 Environmental : Safe living conditions, access to resources such as basic needs like food, shelter, including clean air & water. Promote a stable community & environmental sustainability

◉ Internal = EMOTIONAL Safety (INTRO post)

◉ External
Psychological safety is influenced by a combination of internal & external factors – how you respond to other people, & how they respond to you.  It’s the absence of inter-personal fear, allowing the person to perform their best at home, school & work. It means being able to take socially-based risks, such as speaking their opinions, disagreeing openly,  & airing concerns about a problem – without negative repercussions or pressure to sugarcoat bad news.

Psychological safety INCLUDES :
🔱  Career — Need for Achievement (N-Ach), professional development, & entrepreneurship
🔰 Cognitive – Need for knowledge, understanding & intellectual stimulation. Desire for research, invention & innovation
⚜️  Esteem : Desire for self-respect & other-respect/ self-respect, achievements & recognition – to feel competent & valued
professional development and education
🔅 Self-Actualization : Pursuit of personal growth, fulfilling one’s potential & goals. Includes creativity, morality & spirituality.

EXP : Healthy & Safe Work Environment – promotes security in office locations, in terms of fire emergency equipment & instructions, safety instruments & measures in factories, security systems like CCTV, emergency exits, ergonomic furniture…. Bio-metric scans ensure the entry of employees, & restricts stranger-access.

In BIZ : 4 Stages Model – TEAM Member Safety Needs
This model provides a simple language for starting conversations, about each of category, which can help members notice the mental & emotional nuances, about how safe it feels to belong, to learn, to contribute, or to challenge.
The model also highlights discord that can develop when team members strongly differ – are out of sync. However, talking thru conflicts can be an opportunity to unite them.

♦︎ Inclusion  –  to be comfortable being present & included, feeling wanted & appreciated
♦︎ Learner – able learn by asking questions, to experiment, make (& admit) small mistakes, & ask for help
♦︎ Contributor – to add their own ideas without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. Have the assurance they won’t be punished or humiliated for expressing ideas, or for mistakes
♦︎ Challenger Safety – to question others’ ideas or suggest significant changes to ideas, plans, or ways of working – including to those in authority.

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NEXT : SAFETY

PREVIOUS: Spiritually Based Healing #2

SITE : “What is Psychological Safety at Work?

POSTs :  SAFE – Real Friends – Part 2

🥺 BASIC : For all wounded ACAs – feeling safe is more important than being loved. After all, if you don’t feel safe inside (from Self-Hate) & not safe outside – “the world is a dog-eat dog place” — then how can you take in love, even when offered ?
Besides, if you weren’t treated lovingly by your family as a kid, you’d conclude that it wasn’t meant for you. Not worth the bother, not good enough, not the ‘better’ sibling or gender….. So you’ll try for safety, anyway you can ! but you don’t deserve that either – do you? (POST :  “VICIOUS CYCLE of NEEDS“)

Why is emotional safety important?
Humans are designed with needs – to be secure, be significant, & to belong.  The need to feel & be safe is a powerful driving force of all life, a requirement before humans – and animals – can let themself be vulnerable.

At its healthiest – it allows us to share our strengths as well as limitations – easily communicated. It provides the freedom to collaborate, dream, be wildly creative, share bold ideas, have more compassion, & express ourself freely with each other.
It’s being calm & balanced, from having good emotional self-control, so the person doesn’t overreact in stressful situations.

◎ Internal
In psychology, emotional safety (E.S.) is one of the characteristics of Secure attachment, built through consistent support & understanding from loved ones. This gives the ability to manage stress & effectively cope with challenges.

Safety is not the absence of difficulty, & it’s more than just comfort in an environment. It’s having a solid psychological foundation, to live without apology for being human, knowing THAT :
☼ you won’t be abandonment if you’re authentic
☂︎ rest & fun are not laziness, but are much needed
💔 no-one can be “perfect”, so don’t waste effort trying
⛅︎ joy does not have to be earned through suffering !
 ☀︎ conflict can be approached without fear of collapse
☀︎ the need to control every outcome is not necessary

Genuine security is a function of healthy self-esteem,  Life’s ups & downs can be very painful but are manageable because underneath it all, you believe in yourself.  So how safe you feel depends on the degree of your inner self-acceptance.
Also, when you’re building a life on loving self-respect, you make others feel comfortable around you because you’re comfortable “in your skin”, even to the point of being seen by others as strong, level-headed & leader-like.

It allows you to  :
√ always be fully yourself, but most easily when around others who value, accept  & believe in you  AND
√ be aware of a wide range of emotions, being internally stable enough to feel them without the worry of being overwhelmed or judged.

NOTE : Don’t confuse bone-deep self-esteem and emotional maturity with narcissistic arrogant self-assurance & entitlement.
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⬇️ These quotes come from “TheMIGHTY” community

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NEXT : Deferent TYPES of Safety

PREVIOUS : ADULTING  (#4)

SITEs :
✅  “Adulting: LIFE SKILLS ”

✅ “Things I wish I knew….”

✅ “Adulting Expectations vs. REALITY”

❣️ CORE mirroring :  Validation & affirmation is how parents teach their children what are appropriate responses & what aren’t.  Validation is more than a basic human need. It’s a fundamental prerequisite to being able to feel confident in yourself, provided by experience & familiarity.

Validation from parents & other safe adults :
— alleviates anxiety
— tells us when we’re on the right track
— gives us the self-motivation to complete new or hard tasks with less dread, and
— builds support, so eventually we can more easily handle life’s responsibilities & daily details.
That way we’ll be free to spend our energy elsewhere, either learning more adulting things or doing fun grown-up things.  (More….)

HELP the Inner Child GROW UP
❤️‍🩹 Acknowledge Your Inner Child: Recognize that early Self part exists & needs positive attention
🍃 Connect with Others: Build supportive relationships that encourage your emotional growth
🍃 Cultivate Creativity: Engage in artistic activities to express your natural talents & emotions
🍃 Engage in Play: Find ways to have fun, doing things you love & help to relax you
🍃 Nurture Yourself: Prioritize self-care that make you feel safe, loved & valued  (“Kids Are NOT Just Mini-Adults (Brain Development” )

🍃 Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness & understanding, always – but especially in hard times
🍃 Reflect on old Experiences: Journal, share & sit with childhood painful & positive (enjoyable) memories, to understand your inner child’s personality & needs
🍃 Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional space by developing healthy boundaries with the Introject, the WIC, & other people
🍃 Seek Recovery: For persons growth, use therapy, ACA & Al-anon meeting, daily reading…. to heal old wounds and develop a loving Inner Parent.

ADULTS ….
1. Active versus Passive
…. are proactive & self-assertive, rather than passive & dependent. They don’t feel victimized by life, complain or dump their problems on others.  Instead, they face challenges directly, finding solutions rather than always depending on others for direction. They ask for help for what they actually need, such as healing trauma, “how to” do things they don’t know yet ……

2.  Equality in Relationships
….. want equality in relationships. They relate to mates as independent individuals, with lots of give-&-take together their needs met.
They’ve developed a capacity for both giving & accepting love, without turning their partner into a parent figure to feel secure (which comes from an imagined connection or fantasy bond) .

3.  Formulate & Implement Goals
….. identify their life’s priorities by developing goals & taking appropriate actions to achieve them. For the most part their actions fit their words.
In contrast, people living in child mode often overreact emotionally to events that are not actually important in the overall scheme of their life — while at the same time rarely handle events that are important or crucial to their well-being.

4. Non-defensiveness and Openness
…. want to develop an accurate self-concept –  aware of both positive & negative parts of their personalities – without self-judgement, & to form a realistic view of themself in relation to others. Pursuing self-knowledge helps to become aware of unconscious motivations, open to gently looking at that pat of their mental life, working to integrate it as much as realistically possible.

 Emotionally mature adults do not have defensive or angry reactions to getting unflattering feedback, & don’t automatically disagree with “negative” comments.  Instead, they’re open to exploring new ideas, & welcome constructive suggestions – if they agree, which expands their self-awareness.

5. Personal Power
….. take responsibility for their destiny by being in charge as much as realistically possible, having power (choices) over their conscious responses. NO ONE always has control over thoughts & feelings that come up automatically in everyday life.  But adults work at changing behaviors or attitudes they don’t like about themself.

6.  Rationality
….. have a strong sense of identity, so they live with integrity, according to their own principles & values.
They’re are not afraid to feel their emotions, but when actions are needed, they make rational decisions based on self-interest & moral concerns. As Murray Bowen observed, Adults “are able to distinguish between the feeling process & the intellectual process… and [have] the ability to choose their actions guided either by feelings or by thoughts.”

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