UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 1)

I can change ‘who’ runs my life!

PREVIOUS: Ego States-Parent #4


ES = ego states // HA = healthy adult //
LP = loving parent //  NC = natural child  //
WIC = Wounded inner child //  PP = pig parent  //  PMES = physical, mental, emotional, spiritual // UNIT = HA + LP
✦    ✦     ✦
Genuine Recovery is marked by internalizing the ‘sane’ information we’re learning, so it becomes an automatic part of us – the new normal.
As we incorporate new understanding, we’ll be able to consistently respond to the world from a different place, which gives us a sense of safety, mastery & empowerment (as in the “AA Promises“)

This can never be done perfectly or without regressions & digressions – so don’t expect that. The goal is to keep moving forward on the path of healing. To do this we need to build a healthy ‘UNIT’ (H.A. + L.P.) to be the inner EXECUTIVE.

• All unhealed ACoAs are run by the interaction of  their Bad Parent & Wounded Child ego states (E.S.)
• But so are many people who are in Recovery, before they do family-of-origin work (FoO)

• High-functioning ACoAs have a fairly well-developed Adult E.S. (but with some CDs), but are missing the Loving Parent, which can be seen in how we talk to ourself & deal with personal relationships

a.To separate the PigP & WIC
, to stop the child from having to obey the cruel & unhelpful domination of the BAD PARENT .
Internally, we may only hear one or the other, but without Recovery the PigP has all the power, & left on its own, the vulnerable WIC has no choice but to submit

b. To nurture, guide & take care of both the Healthy & the Damaged parts of our Child
• For the WIC – to help it heal from all it’s PMES wounds with unconditional love & nurturing, & let it know it never has to be alone again
• For the N.C. – to help it find it’s voice & develop it’s true potential, which creates our self-esteem

c. To interact efficiently with the rest of the world in order to get ALL our needs met – by learning what our options are, developing the skills & attitudes for self-care & social ease – given our individual circumstances & abilities, so we can have more comfortable & fulfilled lives

🦻🏼 WHY you may not ‘hear’ the IC 🦻🏼
1. Being ‘kid whipped’!
a. you’re ALL kid.  Without the ‘UNIT’ present there is no dialogue. That can be changed. The child E.S. is a separate entity, & should not be in charge.  A therapist once said: “You have a child, you are not a child!”
• Picture the WIC outside of yourself – in your lap, on the bed or floor, hiding behind a chair or curtain…. but always there, waiting

b. the IC is too young to talk.  Depending on what IC age is being triggered by a current situation, you may feel your pre-verbal infant self – with lots of emotions but no words

c. the WIC doesn’t trust you.
If you’ve been unavailable altogether, or inconsistent, only talking AT the kid,  sounding like the bad parent…. the kid isn’t going to respond!
EXP: “Hi buddy, what’s up ?”  >> “What do you care?”

d. the IC is old enough to talk but doesn’t know how to express what’s going on with it yet – doesn’t have the right words for things it’s feeling, isn’t developed enough to think abstractly, isn’t allowed to say what it feels or needs…. EXP: “ Hi honey, what’s bothering you?” >> “I don’t know”. —- young kids always say, whatever the situation

e. The older WIC – maybe 16-18 – is angry if you’ve been ignoring him/her, responded when asked why they’d done something ‘off’, especially if you’ve already been talking to the younger ones. You may get an image of it with its back turned to you, crossed arms, pouting….

The teen needs just as much attention, but of a different kind = more practical, included in decisions, being asked its opinion. This ES often hold knowledge & wisdom we’re not even aware of – until we connect.
BUT also – there are still many things our teen Self doesn’t understand, so it needs validation of its painful experiences, AND talked to with respect.

NEXT: Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #2

3 thoughts on “UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 1)

  1. Hi Donna,

    In the “How to build a new UNIT” section, item 1 suggests printing out a list of Ego States from p. 7 of the site map. I’m having a little trouble accessing that page. The link goes to the main site, the site map link is http://web.me.com/torbico/acoaRECOVERY/SITE_MAP.html however p. 7 is about “Narcissists” and appears to be a broken link. I’m very interested in this positive part of recovery!


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