🦻🏼 WHY you may not ‘hear’ the IC 🦻🏼(cont)
1. Being ‘kid whipped’!
2. The Introject: Some people mainly hear the Bad Parent voice – in the form of ‘shoulds’ & judgments, about themselves & others (you know who you are). They’re the ACoAs who know it all, are controlling, bossy, demanding, pushy…. channeling the Introject! (“Ego States – Parent #4“)
• So – when you’re with such a person, you’ll be talking to their PigP.
EXP: When Mike asked: “Hi, how are you doing?” He got back: “None of your business!” And when Sara thought about writing a book, she heard inside “Who do you think you are?”
• It can be very enlightening to dialogue with the PigP, to find out more about it’s point of view, what it’s telling the kid all the time, what it wants, what its concerns are…. so we can counter with truth & logic! 🥺
3. BUILDING the UNIT
a. Read & re-read the extensive list of characteristics of each Ego State
• Print 2-3 copies, & keep 1 each where you’ll see it every day – bathroom mirror, bag, tablet, cell….
• Little by little – write something about each characteristic = what you think it means, how you do or don’t use it, how you see others doing it…
• Pick 1 characteristic of the L.P. & focus on it for a week. Use the same Qs as in your writing, as you go thru each day of the year
• Take notes about your observations & talk it over with trusted people. Ask for suggestions & feedback on how to improve
The UNIT (HA + LP) needs to interact with both the NC & the WC :
• Get IC dialogue-writing workbooks, & practice until it becomes natural. Listen to “Self-Parenting” videos
• Watch how kind, loving real-life or TV parents talk to their children (especially when the kids mess up!)
• Visualize holding your WIC & NC – what do they need & want to hear? what would you have liked your parents to say to you?
✶ Make sure to leave time for the kid to answer, comment, feel, react… It’s not a dialogue if you do all the talking!
👥 The UNIT has to consistently be in play. As grownups, we have to prove to the WIC we’re worthy of being in charge, since the ones who raised us were not.
As kids we had to either hide or be super-kid, but all of us were on our own. So now – developing a functional UNIT is the only way the kid will trust us enough to turn over its power, the only way to show the WIC is Safe & Valuable!
This is done by the UNIT’s healthy internal communication + appropriate external actions – which takes time & dedication to develop. Our ONLY job is to take care of our Kid. If we do – everything else falls into place.
b. Actions to develop the ….. ADULT ES :
• catch S-H thoughts & stop them as soon as possible
• do drawings of how you feel emotionally
• learn about your damage (WIC #1 post)
• learn healthy ways of thinking
• read everything about your issues & about growth
write some of your thoughts down every day
• try things you always wanted to do (school, travel, move…)
• listen carefully to kind people & copy them
• talk to smart, sane people regularly
• stick with the winners (others on the same path)
….& the PARENT ES:
• daily dialoguing with the WIC & the NC
• do more good things for yourself
• do less bad things to yourself
• hold your Kid, pat your chest, sing, say soothing things
• let yourself cry & do rage work as often as needed, but only in safe ways
• practice standing up for yourself, say what you want & don’t want
• stay away from people who consistently cause you pain
• nurture a spiritual life that suits you
✶ If you do your best to follow some or all these suggestions you will see improvement & get lots of satisfaction!
NEXT: The UNIT- #4