Psychotherapy

KINDNESS (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, Psychotherapy


PREVIOUS: LOVE TANK

BOOK: Kind Self-Healing ∼ Any Eden

QUOTE: Dr. Bloom (YALE) points out that empathy is skewed, whereas compassion is just.
“Empathy is a disaster in this complicated & interesting world, because :
1.  it’s biased. We feel more empathy toward people who look like us, share our skin color or ethnicity, are attractive rather than ugly, & are close rather than far away
2. it’s innumerate. We feel empathy for the one, but not for the hundred, or the thousands we never interact with
3. it can be weaponized (by Narcissists & their Flying Monkeys)”

DEF:  KINDNESS – The quality of being considerate, friendly & generous

ALWAYS start with being Kind to yourself – caring, compassionate & unconditionally gentle.
Mostly, ACoAs didn’t have role models for how to treat ourselves & others this way. But we can learn to do it now. Like love, it takes work to understand & feel it. We can practice every day by how we talk to ourselves & how we let others treat us.
(See posts: “The UNIT:Adult-Parent” //  “What is Self-esteem” //  “Healthy Individuation” // “Emotional Maturity” // “Being Confident”

IN RELATIONSHIPS of various kind – at home, at work, in a store, on the street….. The degree & type of ‘kindness action’ we take will depend on where we are or who we’re with.
Kindness can mean something different to each of us, seen in the way we choose to show it. It can be through acceptance, empathy, generous gestures, thoughtfulness…. AND without expecting / demanding ‘goodies’ in return.

Genuine Kindness can only come from having enough in our LOVE TANK to overflow – some – on to others, without diminishing ourselves. It’s doing positive, intentional, voluntary acts – not only when it’s easy, but also when it’s hard.

Kindness is not a version of being nice (see Part 2) which is usually insincere, done begrudgingly, & only at the bare minimum.
It is not co-dependence or people-pleasing – because it’s NON-narcissistic,
not about gratifying a need to compensate for self-hate or making us look good (like the Pharisees in Jesus’ time). And it’s not ‘niceness’, because It must include having healthy boundaries.

Science seems to supports the experience of devoting some of our resources to others, rather than only grabbing more & more for yourself, brings about a feeling of well-being.

💕Kindness has been found by researchers to be the most important predictor of satisfaction & stability in marriage.
📚Many universities, including Harvard, are now emphasizing kindness on applications for admission. (“Healthy Give & Take“)
Kindness is GRACE. Being human, we all have personality flaws & so make mistakes. (Posts: “ACoAs – Humility”)
So we can & should treat ourselves & others with kindness when imperfections crop up – as they often do. We should not be surprised or be judgmental. This means to :
— think before speaking
— forgive before seeking revenge
— think about long-term goals for our relationships – instead of short-term gratification & our pride.
You can’t be perfect, & neither can anyone else. Rather than anger, offer grace – be kind.

PASSING it ON  – People (& animals) learn by observation & imitation. As we treat ourselves & others with kindness, others – especially children – can learn it from us. When we smile, say a nice word, do an unexpected deed, or plan a surprise…. we show the power of kindness – making people feel good, passing along hope & encouraging peace.

Most people are able to learn right from wrong through association. When you see someone being kind or notice it in a family member or friend, make sure to tell them you appreciate what they did. Positive reinforcement helps people want to do more good deeds & reminds them to act with intention.
(Modified from the Inspire Kindness Team)

NEXT: Kindness (Part 2)

MBTI – e & i THINKING Style (3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

 PREVIOUS: e & i Intuitives, 2b

SITE: E Thinking vs I Thinking

☆ T-J: Architect, Systems Intelligence
☆ T-P : Hacker, Tactical Intel.

★ Te : Project Intelligence
★ Ti : Analytical Intelligence

 

Inner dichotomy STACK Preferences (cont.)

A JUDGING Function: They (T & F) are referred to as ‘rational’ because they use deliberate cognitive reasoning. Input received from P has no meaning until the J function processes it.

T = THINKING makes linear assessment based on logical axioms. Decisions come from using cause/effect, if/then, true/false choices to reach validity. Analyzes whether info received makes sense or not.
EXP: Decides whether the concept of gravity works or not.
** T-types assess things based on whether or not they work (Te is not about how smart one is)

Te – Extroverted THINKING, outer directed 
As DOM: ENTJ & ESTJ // As AUX: INTJ & ISTJ
Nicknames: Practical Logic , Effectiveness

Spot by: Having facts & assertive opinions. Seek logic & consistency in the outside world. Concern for external laws and rules

Q: “How do I implement this idea, or organize the world around me?”
Potential STRENGTH: leader, organizer
Potential WEAKNESS: controlling, rigid
Basic Desire: Organize outer world with reason & logic

Te perspective: Effectiveness – “More efficiency!”
It analyzes & optimizes external systems, methods, operations – to organize the external world, based on their logical structure. Concerned with external laws & rules.
Authoritative leadership brings order & accomplishments. Wants to do ‘what makes sense’,
EXP: Decides the concept of gravity works because i’s been seen in practice

IMAGE: Like an office, organized, & lets everyone know to get things done the right way
GIFT: Teaching – organizing the community for social justice
Physically: (As Dom) Constraint in eyes & smile, seems a little uncomfortable. Minimal / optimal use of brain

• Te Dom types can seem bossy or know-it-alls, even when they genuinely mean well
THEY:
• are extremely goal oriented. They’ll usually ask about your goals, subtly or overtly.
• enjoy talking about plans they’ve & the expected outcomes
• are bothered by inefficiency, & strongly dislike people being late or veering off topic when there’s work to be done
• will always argue from a results-based, purely practical standpoint
• will immediately jump to solving problem as quickly & effectively as possible, when asked for help
• These types usually advocate staying organized, setting goals and making whatever choice will get the best result

=======================

Ti = Introverted THINKING – inner directed 
As DOm: ISTP & INTP // As AUX: ESTP & ENTP
Nicknames: Theoretical Logic,  Accuracy

Spot by: being logical without any facts. Seeks internal consistency & logic of ideas.
Trusts an internal framework, which is hard to explain

Q: “How do I understand this idea ?”
Potential STRENGTH: rational, intellectual
Potential WEAKNESS: critical, socially awkward

Basic Desire: Organize inner world rationally, understand ideas

Ti perspective: Accuracy – “Well, technically….”. It has a deep inner understanding of what makes sense, exploring & refining systems, methods & strategies, based on a complex rules. Analyzes ‘how it is’, EXP: decides the concept of gravity works because it’s supported by facts

IMAGE: Like a science lab, because after the experiments, it can do a good job of analyze results
GIFT: Knowledge – assimilating complex concepts
Physically: (As Dom) critical stare, tight-lipped. Also minimal / optimized use of brain

• Ti Dom types
— are not interested in most small-scale decisions, & will avoid making them whenever possible
— require a great deal of alone-time. They aren’t shy about overtly ignoring others if they’re infringed on
— often have a grumpy or aloof surface, but a good sense of humor underneath
— may have trouble explaining something directly – tending to veer off & get lost explaining different parts of how something works
THEY:
• in a conversation, they may ask slightly different versions of the same question several times, trying to figure out exactly how it fits with what they already know
• may zone out of conversations, as they relate what you’re saying to what they already know – & then zone back in to ask clarifiers
• These types usually advocate looking at things objectively, questioning everything, to ensure they understand a situation fully before making a decision about it.

NEXT: e & i Feeling

MBTI – STACKS Basics (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

 PREVIOUS: MBTI Basics #2

SITE: • How each MBTI type Processes Their Own & Others’ Emotions

• Complete description of each type’s stack – see sidebar

 

 

ORDER OF PREFERENCE (cont.)
NOTES re. Stacks
• As stated in Part 2, each preference is either Introverted or Extroverted. Is are directed inward & generally private, while Es are directed outward & interact with the world.   EXP:
💗 Judging Extroverts (EnfJ, EstJ…..) always lead with a dominant J function (T or F), so may seem the most ‘J’ of any type   (CHART —->)

💚 Judging Introverts (IstJ, InfJ….) always lead with a dominant P (S or N), so will seem less ‘J-like’, making them more likely to be mis-typed as Ps by the casual observer

• Functions always alternate, based on which side of the center line the first one falls on (E or I)
• The Dominant & Inferior positions will always be opposites (#1 & #4)
• Stacks are always formed into JPPJ or PJJP, so the middle 2 are either both components of J or both of P (ISFJ = Si —- Ne / Fe – Ti )

• Types that share the same first & last functions (DOM /INF) are called “Brain or Dom buddies,” because they think quite alike. (INTP’s dom-buddy is ISTP, sharing Ti & Fe, but not their 2 middle functions)

HOW to figure the order of the stack
Always start with the person’s MBTI Type to see whether their Dominant (Dom) function is going to be E or I. Each stack includes all 4 options (S, N, T, F), in a specific order. (More….)

Reminder: Dominant & Auxiliary are always our MBTI Type’s 2 center letters.
IMP :
🚦 all Js use T or F as their top 2 choices
Judgers extrovert J functions (T or F) & introvert P functions (N or S) 

🚥 all Ps use S or N as their top 2 (Dom or Aux)
Perceivers extrovert P functions (N or S) & introvert J functions (T or F)

Another way of saying the same thing is:
▶︎ Introverts hide their DOM from immediate view, & show Aux:
• I–Js conceal Si or Ni (as DOM), & reveal Te or Fe (as AUX)
• I–Ps conceal Ti or Fi (as DOM), & reveal Se or Ne (as AUX)

▶︎ Extroverts reveal their DOM & hide Aux:
• E–Js reveal Te or Fe, & conceal Si or Ni (as AUX)
• E–Ps reveal Se or Ne, & conceal Fi or Ti (as AUX)

EXP: ESFJ 
• As an E, the biggest oval has to be on the right side of the line
• As an E–J, the dominant (DOM) preference has to be a J function = F or T
• Since ESFJ has a preference for F rather than T, the only possible #1 position is Fe = extrovert Feeling. (Same for ENFJs)
• The bottom circle (“Inferior” preference) for this person has to be T on the I side – Ti = introverted Thinking, because #4 is always opposite the Dominant

NOW we can to fill in the 2 middle ovals – also alternating. We’ve used up the F & T (top & bottom) so we need to place S & N.
• Being an E, its Auxiliary position must be on the I side
• We see that ESFJ refers S rather than N, so it’s #2 preference is Si = introverted Sensing. This is so because if it were in 3rd position, it wouldn’t be a preference.  (For ENFJ – #2 has to be Ni).
• The 3rd oval is left (Tertiary), & can only be Ne – extroverted iNtuition.
🎬
EXP: INTP – here the Dominant preference is on the I side
• As an I–P, this person’s Dom has to be Ti, hidden from immediate view (since xNxP extroverts its N function)
• Automatically we know the Inferior (#4 oval) is Fe 
• Having placed the T & F, the Auxiliary (#2) will be either S or N, & for the INTP, it can only be Ne
• So Tertiary (#3) is left with Si = introverted Sensing. (MORE…. /ALSO…)

The 16 STACKS

NEXT: Stacks #4

MBTI – STACKS Basics (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

PREVIOUS: MBTI Basics (3b)

SITE: • Guide to becoming awesome : MBTI edition

ORDER OF PREFERENCE (cont.)

STACK levels
❤️ Dominant (DOM) = largest oval – the ego’s strongest orientation, which is in the driver’s seat of our personality (function & attitude). It’s what we rely on & use regularly, the most trusted part of our Self. When engrossed in any activity which fully uses our Dominant, we feel alert, alive – what we were “born to do”

• For Is, it will be hidden, while Auxiliary is what others see first until better acquainted – so they may be mis-typed
• For Es, it’s reversed – their DOM is immediately visible, while the Auxiliary is hidden – at first
(Dominant P & Dominant Js)

💛 Auxiliary (AUX) = #2 position – tends to show up once Dominant is clear, developing in the teens & early 20s. We rely on these 2 functions to grow skills & learn who we are – if allowed!  To fully use our MBTI type we need a well-developed Auxiliary that can support Dominant.

NOTE: Since each stack level alternates on the E or I side, then if the DOM is a P function, the AUX will be a J – or vice-versa, & the opposite attitude of the dominant.  This is for the sake of cognitive balance – to provide data for or “informing” the Dom’s J choice, or organizing the Dom’s P choice with rational assessments, keeping us in touch with both inner & outer experience

Auxiliary is in the ‘passenger seat’ of our personality, needed to determine how we use the DOM, serving as support & equalizer. At its best it can be fully available to us & therefore easy to use, such as only having to learn something once

💚  Tertiary (TER) = 3rd, the Helper Function, a somewhat reliable resource to be called on, ‘though each of us will vary on how often we use it. In some stacks it will work hand in hand with Auxiliary, while in others 2 & 3 will bicker, wanting different things. Auxiliary usually wins, since it carries more weight.

Tertiary doesn’t control or lead, but can offer strength & support to the 2 above it. It’s like having a teenager in the back of the vehicle, who’s growing up but not there yet, so sometimes it’ll rise to the occasion, but not dependably
Tertiary:
• can serve as brakes, reminding us of past stressors & warning of similar problems in future
• can provide relief from mistakes, to let us psychologically off the hook, or suggest a ‘way out’, encouraging new ways of living
• isn’t that easy to access unless it’s deliberately developed – which can happen for some people, but usually not until middle age

💜 Inferior (INF) = the 4th is often called a “weakness”, which is a misinterpretation of what MBTI describes. It should be identified as a lower conscious function.
SO: the Dom is always on, 2nd is the creative (can be switched on), 3rd is the relief function (used for feeling better) AND the inferior is your subconscious driving force. (CHART of preference order by Type)

• Normally our brain will actively avoid it, but when forced to be engaged, it’ll feel unpleasant, stressful & very draining. For most of us – like the baby in the back of the vehicle – it’s what we’re weakest at, because it’s (usually) the least developed

• It can emerge as part of a developmental stage but undeveloped, so Dom tends to think Inferior gets in the way, shoving it aside as often as possible.

• It’s also called the ‘Danger’ Function, because under pressure it can pop up at the wrong time & misbehave, with negative consequences. It can start ‘crying’ when we’re stressed & tired, seen as childish, so we tend to shy away from using it.
If we spend too much time in the Danger zone (in a Loop), our Primary & Helper functions will step aside or burn out, leaving us at the mercy of the lesser ones

• However, Inferior is an under-estimated powerful Personality Factor. It can indeed be cultivated – usually in middle age – making us better off. Discovering Inferior’s gifts can provide positive opportunities & adventures (More in future posts)

NEXT: MBTI Stack Basics #3

MBTI – STACKS Basics (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: PYRAMID USES –  MISC.

SITEs: • MBTI links  // • MBTI’s 4 dichotomies explained 
• How each MBTI type Processes Their Own & Others’ Emotions


STACKS: our ORDERS of PREFERENCE
Once we identify & appreciate our personal Type, we can go deeper into understanding our personality. 
The MBTI is not about knowledge, skills or abilities. Neither does knowing our type (ISFJ, ENTP….) force us to rigidly limit our options. We all have the ability to be flexible to choose & change behavior patterns that are immature or self-defeating, even while our underlying preferences remain the same.

To increase our self-awareness & flexibility, & to better appreciate how others are similar or different from ourselves, the MBTI provides a way to specify the mental faculties which help us make sense of the world.
They’re based on our type, but use only the 2 middle dichotomies, also called Cognitive Functions, which are the ‘heart’ of this typing system.

These show how we gather info (S=Sensing <—-> N-Intuition) & make decisions (F-feeling <—–> T-thinking), becoming 8 possibilities:
✥ Extroverted functions (e) : Se, Ne, Te, Fe and
✥ Introverted functions (i) : Si, Ni, Ti, Fi
– combining into 16 STACKS – the 4 dichotomies in a specific order for each of the 16 MBTI types.  EXP: Small chart ↗️ shows the Stack for all INTJ people

✳ Our strongest preference is called Primary or Dominant, the next is Auxiliary, then Tertiary & lastly Inferior (weakest). Each Personality Type is referred to by its top two choices. Introverted functions are the ones we use internally, & the extroverted ones are used to interact with the world around us. (Formula for creating stacks and chart of all stacks – in #3c)

PURPOSE: Even though we only have 2 of the 4 choices in our Type (2 center letters), every stack will include all 4, indicating our thought process – NOT our behavior. It tells us the order of our mind’s/ brain’s thinking-steps: how we think, what we think of first, how we solve problems…. The same functions will show up differently in each Type, even the same Type, depending on their orientation (e/i, and j/p)

The order of their importance to us (our stack) comes from our genetic makeup, so it won’t change what it is throughout our life. But how it’s used & to what extent – can be modified or improved if necessary, by ironing out any inherent kinks.
Over the course of our life, different preferences may rise to the top & be used more often, as well as more easily – called Type Development.
EXP: Sometimes a Primary Thinker may decide things using their feelings, a Primary Feeler may make decisions logically, Ps can be very structured, & Js might go with the flow…..

✥ The 2 functions for gathering information (2nd dichotomy) – used to Perceive / see (p) things – are EITHER:
• Sensing (pS), looking for details & current realities
-OR-
• Intuition (pN), seeing patterns, underlying meaning & future possibilities

✥ The 2 for organizing info & making decisions (3rd dichotomy) – used to Judge (j) / evaluate things – are EITHER:
• Thinking (jT), deciding based on principles, systems & logical consequences -OR-
• Feeling (jF), deciding based on harmony, values & consequences to people (MORE re J vs P).

• This table shows the distribution of cognitive functions between the genders in a theoretical population of 1 million….. it shows that the most common Perceiving functions are Si & Se, and the most common Js are Fe, Fi & Te.
This jibes with official statistics which identify SPs (Sensing Perceivers) SJs (Sensing Judgers) as the most common types. (in the USA ?)

Knowing our Cognitive Stack can help us TO:
• Explore ways to better develop our career, create or enhance our leadership style, & improve our communicate skills
• Appreciate diversity in working styles, & to understand organizational & team culture – which can improve working relationships
• Develop strategies to solve problems & resolve conflict
• Manage difficult or stressful changes, & understand stress reactions

NEXT: MBTI Stacks basics #2

MASLOW – Transcendence, Level #8 (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

 

PREVIOUS: Additional Levels

POSTs: ‘Spiritual Resilience – 1 & 2′

 


TRANSCENDENCE – Level #8
DEF: To rise above or go beyond the limits of a situation
▪︎ To triumph over negative or restrictive aspects of something
▪︎ A state of being or existence above & beyond material experience

Most Self-actualization traits involve making everyday life more enjoyable.
Self transcendence (SC), on the other hand, is not about competing with others for basic (B) needs, but a personal journey of self-discovery. It requires personal effort – the willingness to change – with an awareness that succeeding is a combination of the personal “little I” & the bigger, universal “I”. Mystical experience is a particularly advanced state of self-transcendence, in which the sense of a separate self is temporarily abandoned altogether

As one of the developers of Humanistic Psychology, Maslow had an extremely positive view of humanity – valuing man’s goodness, dignity & intelligence. Spirituality is then mainly about personal development, connecting with other people & the world of nature.

Maslow’s systematic works, like The Psychology of Being, didn’t focus on the treatment of various pathologies (as Freud did), but rather on understanding & defining humans in their optimal state, especially regarding ‘peak’ experiences & self-fulfillment. Ordinary human unhappiness was ‘too easy’ to find. He wanted to encourage the healthy core of people achieve self-actualization, with which the highest spiritual good is realized.

“The fully developed (& very fortunate) human being, working under the best conditions, tends to be motivated by values which transcend his Self…. My satisfaction with achieving or allowing justice…. is equally outside & inside: therefore, it has transcended the geographical limitations of the self.” (1969)

Maslow believed striving for these highest needs is instinctive – beyond self-interest, considering wider holistic principles for the greater good, in service to others, & the pursuit of causes bigger than any individual

He thought Transcenders would be highly religious – regardless of which type, indicating his theory had a broad social application: “Culture is absolutely needed for their actualization, but it can also fail to actualize them, & indeed this is just what most known cultures actually seem to do, & have done throughout history.”

He pointed out that, if successful, self-trancenders often crave peak experiences. Beyond the routine of fulfilling deprivation (D) needs (#1-6), some people have extraordinary deep moments of understanding, love, even rapture, making then feel more alive, whole & empowered, yet a part of the world. They’re more aware of goodness, harmony, justice, truth….

Peaks are exciting & elaborate situations which become the most important things in their lives – the most precious & validating – their high spots. It could explain why some people gravitate to jobs such as policeman or firefighter, putting their lives at risk for others. (“PEAK” in biz)

Maslow believed such states are mostly emotional & temporary but not always flukes – there are people who can access them easily. He also thought that some self-trancenders may be saddened by realizing that others don’t have such hight moments. While he said that mature people (self-actualized) are most likely to have peak experiences, he felt everyone had the potential.

From Students’ Peak Experiences (1985), James Polyson found that most :
— occurred during athletic, artistic, religious or nature experiences
— during intimate moments with a friend or family member….
— when students achieved an important personal or collective goal….
— overcame some adversity or danger — or by helping someone in need

💙 However, Maslow eventually noted that with age, the intensity of the highs gives way to a gentler, more lasting state of quiet between the “orgasmic peaks of the mystic gone wild”. This he called high plateau experiences (more mental), which can be cultivated through conscious, diligent effort.

At the end of his life he cautioned against the ‘‘Big-Bang’’ theory of self-actualization, recognizing the need to value ‘patience for the awesome elements in ordinary existence’, combining miraculous & normal consciousness (Maslow, 1970), a state said to be the true & final goal of the mystic’s endeavors

“With today’s ‘fast food spirituality’ there is a pressing need to understand both the positive & negative poles of self-transcendence. Ferrer (2002) points out that Western transpersonal psychology’s emphasis on experiential processes & peak states…. have often neglected the proper preparations, maturity, & ethical scaffolding long-standing spiritual traditions usually provide” (Nicole Gruel, AU)

NEXT: Transcendence  #2

DIFFICULT People – Intro

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: Introvert Children

SITEs:  How to Tell if You Are Self Absorbed

 

 

General CHARACTERISTICS

As ACoAs, as kids – we had no choice but to become enmeshed with our specific set of Difficult People, brainwashed into accepting their messages without question and ignore the damage it did to us. We were at their mercy, & rarely if ever did we get help to cope with them, or learn how to protect ourselves in healthy ways.

So, it’s imperative to identify & acknowledge what & who we have to deal with, instead of questioning our observation of dysfunction, or denying them completely.

Difficult people (D.P.) are manipulative, controlling & bratty – with most people, most of the time – functioning from defenses developed in response to a damaging background. Internally conflicted, their patterns are usually unconscious. Dedicated D.P. don’t like it when they can’t play out their shtick (pattern), or are called out on their negativity. When they don’t get what they want from one person or environment, they move on to the next innocent sucker.

DON’T IGNORE the red flags:
a. They rarely have empathy for others, &
b. Are always angry OR always miserable
While most people have one or more of the following characteristics – some of the time, in some circumstances – negative personality traits & attitudes of D. P. are entrenched, in the form of personality disorders (More….)

1. It’s all about them = They’re narcissistically opinionated, needing to be the center of attention. Dramatic & fueled by reactions from others – their life is like a soap opera. Asking “How are you?” will open a can of worms, & a story will turn into a novel

2. They’re Victims = They’ve never gotten over trauma – stuck in the past, telling & re-telling stories of pain, failures & guilt. They’ll reel you in by using illnesses, family & tragedy – as a manipulation to make you feel sorry for them

3. They never do a favor without collecting = They’re always scheming to get something for nothing – self-serving, with no shame or compassion. If they do you a favor – you’re going to pay for it, big time. They’ll keep reminding you of what they did & what you owe, even though you’ve also helped them in the past. But admitting that would not serve their interest

4. They’re oblivious = They’re have no idea what’s going on in reality – living in a world only they understand. They’re not dreamers & trailblazers, but rather in deep denial – undependable & irresponsible. They’re so vague it’s hard to have a serious conversation with them

5. They blame, gossip & whine = If they’re gossiping with you about others, they’ll do the same about you. They blame others for their troubles & whine to get attention. They complain about everyone – to you – but put on a big smile for the ones they just trashed.  (modified from Adorablequotes4u.com)

They’re some combination of :  • arrogant • disrespectful  • negative  • passive-aggressive  • pot-stirring  • selfish  • unmotivated & lazy • disregarding common decency or rules  • not responsible for their behavior

SIGNS of a Toxic Person (the more of these the more toxic)
NOTE – toxic people are not all overt in their treatment of others – like the bully & tanks. Some do it by withholding or being sneaky, but all have a harmful effect on others:

• Only what they think, feel & want matters
• They’re critical, controlling & never consider anyone else’s (your) needs
• They act like they’re fabulous & never make mistakes (perfect)
• The angry ones don’t care about your feelings & like to see you suffer
• They drag up your past & won’t let you be different from them
• They dominate conversations, & leave no room for you
• They spread gloom, & keep disappointing you

• Nothing you say or do is ever good enough
• They violate your boundaries, & never respect your ‘no’
• When you’re around them you walk on eggshells
• You ‘check out’ or ignore your own values
• They make fun of even the smallest actual or imagined flaw
• They leave you feeling guilty & ashamed of who you are
• They leave you wounded = feeling battered, bruised & torn apart

NEXT: Difficult types #1

GROWTH for INTROVERTS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: INFJ

SITEs: MBTI Types – as animals, some famous people, + Cognitive Functions

Life of an Introvert – illustrated (heart map)

• Are an E or an I?

 

I-ness = Introversion

HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS (modified from Dr Alice Boyes)
Get to know your BIS (Behavioral Inhibition System)
BIS is a brain-based system that prevents a person from moving forward when they have competing needs (achieve success while avoiding all negative outcomes), or conflicting motivations (pleasing a parent vs. pleasing oneself).

• People with a strong BIS tend to be highly anxious – worried about real or potential ‘punishment’ – which can include negative responses (criticism) or something positive taken away (loss of solitude)…… When faced with an internal dilemma, a strong ‘stop’ signal will kick in, OR they may start & then stop – unable to finish.

• Introverts (Is) with a particularly sensitive BIS can stay alert for punishment signals (being judged, ignored, disappointed….) & fend them off before getting run over by their BIS. Look for & accept rewarding opportunities in your daily life (complements, encouragement, praise, a raise…..) & learn to get as much of them as possible. (See post “Resilience – Traits : Positivity ratio“)

Accept & appreciate your Temperament
DEF: Personality is the whole person, & temperament is the basic force that drives a person to behave in certain ways, unique to them.

Introversion is neither a virtue nor flaw – just a natural part of ones personality. Many Is grow up being shamed by family & peers for being ‘different’, leaving them feeling ashamed for being ‘less-than’. That belief can now be corrected. (CHART….)

EXP: It’s normal for Is to be cautious about starting new relationships.
BUT, if you’re also brain-wired or been trained in childhood – to assume negatives first – it’ll slow connections even more. Work on looking for positive opportunities & risk reaching out once you’ve spent a little time observing how someone talks & acts. Trust your instincts.

EXP: It’s normal for Is to be focus inward – on being creative, paying attention to details & knowing things in depth.
BUT if you are also highly ambitious with a strong independent streak, you can become an entrepreneur, create a new product, fight inequality or ‘city hall’….
Identify long-term interests & passions, pursue them & self-correct when necessary. Explain your temperament when you need to, so others can understand your responses. (9 childhood aspects of temperament – some relating to I-ness)

Identify emotions
Is need time to process emotions privately, but also to share them with someone trustworthy. Learn to identify Emotions so you know when you’re experiencing them (no denial). Give yourself permission to experience them all, without judgment, finding healthy ways to handle them internally & then express them safely.

• You can experience emotions without violating your values, & continue pursuing your goals (actions), no matter what your feelings are (emotions). Being able to managing them well can let you do hard things when others might cop out

Know your I variation
<—– Introverts (& Es too) come in different ‘natural flavors’, as well as the way the 4 MBTI levels combine, in different proportions & orders of preference for each Type —–>
EXP: The order of preference for an ISTJ if their ‘stack’, based on the 2 middle levels, from strongest to least ‘natural’ (More….)
And be sure you know the difference between I-ness & insecurity. Confident people are: comfortable with their traits & abilities,  knowing they’re generally liked – which has nothing to do with being E or I

Identify Cognitive Distortions (CDs)
Is are just as susceptible to distorted thinking as Es, which has nothing to do with temperament. If you’re prone to be emotionally flooded because of CDs, such as B & W thinking, personalizing, catastrophizing, over-generalizing…..you can be held back in life. Learn about them, notice when they crop us, & then correct them, a little at a time

NEXT: I Growth (#2)

MBTI Type – INFJ

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

   PREVIOUS: INFP

 

 

The INTROVERTS

👠 👠 👠

INFJ – The PROTECTOR/ Confidant / Counselor
Introvert-iNtuitive-Feeling-Judging

❤︎ Most Contemplative, reflective

(1.5% world-wide) (1.3% ♂︎  // 1.6% ♀︎)  The Perfectionistic humanitarian // Muse

NATURAL: An inspiration to others
GOAL: to Analyze.

INFJs are sensitive, original & quietly forceful, more likely to be individualistic, rather than a leader or follower. They’re able to develop a clear vision of how to best serve the common good, then are organized and decisive in how they choose to implement this vision, tending to stick to things until they’re done.

They’re conscientious, with a well-developed value systems which they’re strictly committed to, & are well-respected for their perseverance in doing the right thing.

They’re curious to understand other people’s motives, & generally have great insight into them.They look for meaning in the connections between people, ideas & things.  INFJs are idealistic, wanting to inspiring others, who often try to find a shared vision for everyone & come up with new ways to achieve the vision.  (More…)

• They’re : anxious, compassionate, complicated, creative, empathetic, idealistic, introspective, an eloquent speaker/ writer, quietly caring, paradoxical, patient, sensitive, a visionary, understanding

• Hidden side : While their NF ‘righteousness’ usually compels them to be open & honest, they can be surprisingly clever & manipulative, from a knack for knowing what people want (& don’t want) to hear. They’re masters at keeping their friends close & enemies closer.

They’re the most cerebral of the Feeling types. So while many INFJs are spiritual, their aptitude for coming to conclusions with little or no evidence doesn’t come from any mystical source. Instead it’s from a constant but unconscious analysis of tiny details that most others completely miss, & which they themselves have trouble explaining

• Life’s Purpose : To guide those who are lost.
• Their Law : You shall always listen to my advice.
• They Comfort others by saying: It’s not your fault, you don’t deserve to feel this way.

• They Say : . These rules don’t benefit me, so I’m making up my own. I want to see my ideas be accepted & applied.  ….it’s fine.
• Catchphrase : Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

• Communication : Advice – We don’t need to talk about every emotion. They won’t start the conversation. They’ll just watch you, from afar

• Weaknesses : Extremely private, over-doing sensory activities, convinced they’re right even when evidence proves otherwise, too quiet,
• Manipulate : Secretly meddle in your affairs because they know what’s best for you – more than you do

• Paradoxes : Confident AND overbearing. Help everyone else BUT can’t help themselves. Strong BUT fragile
• Value: soul mates       • Fear : of being hated

• Judge people by: their selfishness
• Are Judged for : making others feel that their emotions are invalid

Become STRESSED from situations shown in illustration.  They either go all adrenaline rush or total paralysis

Under stress (Melancholy-Phlegmatic) INFJs tend to withdraw from reality into a fantasy world, which gradually gains importance as they become dissatisfied with their real life & the people in it.
While fulfilling the demands of their outer commitments, they’re secretly critical, the feel that their imaginary world & its characters are more important than the anything real.

In these circumstances they’ll feel physically stressed & intensely angry, with an obsessive focus on certain details and a tendency to over-indulge.

They can end up living almost exclusively in their imagination, resist reality with a defensive attitude, feeling like a misfit. They’ll spend enormous amounts of time falling into their deepest hidden fantasies & emotions. In this state, they might be attracted to seriously defective people & environments which they’re convinced will truly understand & appreciate them

• Hate : being forced, being misunderstood, unfairness, surrounded by conflict, pretentious people, anyone intentionally limited, going to funerals, being so effected by someone flirting with them, asking for help because it make them feel like they’re burdening others

• Don’t argue with an INFJ while they’re holding : a grudge
• Never : antagonize them   • Never tell them : “You’ll never do anything meaningful with your life”

GROWTH
Advice : What you think is good for someone isn’t necessarily what they actually need.

INFJs may come across as too individualistic (“different”), private or mysterious, doing their thinking in a vacuum, which results in unrealistic ideas that are hard to verbalize

INFJs ican best help themselves by finding a way to bring their artistic vision & intuitive insights to light. By learning to express their rich imagination in a way that others can understand & appreciate, they become psychologically liberated, as well as integrated into the world. Artistic pursuits bring a great benefit to INFJs, offering an appropriate outlet for their deep emotions

INFJ Relationships
YOU : have a gift to intuitively understand human relationships & complex meanings, as well as emphatically understanding partner’s emotions. Others see you as mysterious since they you tend to share you internal intuitions only with those you truly trust. Your relationship superpower is Sensitivity.

• Thrive in any that are: complex & intellectually challenging

• As a friend, you’re always to one reading a book, or listening to everyone’s problems, the one who needs a week ahead of a hang-out to mentally prepare – & then spend all the ‘fun’ time discussing the Universe & meaning of life

• Annoyed when: someone acts like you emotions are invalid

INFJ Parent / child of INFJ parent, INFJ child  (ALSO….)

• Still single because : you’re tailor-made for the ‘friend-zone’
• Unhealthy behavior : stalking your S.O.’s social media at 3am

• Show interest by: hiding it – they won’t know & never will!
• Show love : empathize, are understanding, offer emotional & moral support

• You want to hear : I’m here for you
• You’re attractive/sexy because : being naturally refined & elegant, you have a peaceful presence, mysterious & wise. People want to get into you head & know what you know

• You should date : someone who cares about you as much as you care about them, will never take you for granted, lets you be yourself even if they don’t get you completely, who you can trust, & will never intentionally hurt you

• To attract you : they need to be one big walking paradox. They should look deep into your eyes & say “I need you” to help figure themselves out (Your turn-on)

• Some famous INFJ: Shirley Temple Black, Martin Luther King, Jr, Nelson Mandela, Tom Selleck, Billy Crystal, Mark Harmon

NEXT: Introvert Growth #1

MBTI Type – INFP

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

 

PREVIOUS: INTJ

SITE:  Many fun lists of ‘names’ for the 16 types  ++ other info

 

The INTROVERTS

👠 👠 👠

INFP – The HEALER / Clarifier / Harmonizer
Introvert-iNtuitive-Feeling-Perceiving

❤︎ Most Idealistic

(4.4% world-wide) (4.1% ♂︎ //  4.6% ♀︎) The Angsty poet

NATURAL: Performing noble service to aid society
GOAL: to Dream.

INFPs are reflective & idealistic, interested in serving humanity, with a well-developed, strongly-held value system which they strive to live up to. They’re adaptable & laid-back unless those values are threatened.

Being highly intuitive about people, they enjoy helping others’ inner development to reach their full potential, & are extremely loyal to people who are important to them.
Mentally quick, able to see possibilities, they like coming up with creative solutions to problems. Usually excellent writers.

Their polite, reserved exterior can make them hard to know – at first. However they do enjoy conversation, taking particular delight in the unusual. When in a sociable mood, their humor & charm shine through. Disposed to like people & avoid conflict, they tend to make pleasant company. (More….)

• They’re : contained, creative, flexible, full of wonder, have strong personal values, imaginative, intense, non-directive, opinionated, quirky, reflective, reserved with people, seek inner order & peace

• Hidden side : Often regarded as frivolous daydreamers, they can be shockingly practical, seeing the value of using time & resources wisely. So they have no time for anything that’s irrelevant to their causes, projects or ideals. In a society where E-J behavior is the norm, INFPs are just as busy & functional, but their motivation is internal, & projects are usually personal, not social.

They’re not as pleasant as most sites claim. Many INFPs are harshly judgmental towards people & things they experience as violating their values. Though they usually don’t say anything, they’ll easily ignore anyone who doesn’t meet their standards – without giving it a second thought or consider the real reasons others have for their position.

• Life’s Purpose : Heal those who are hurting
• Their Law : You shall always love yourself
• They Comfort others by saying: You’ve got so much potential, just keep your head up!

• They Say : I’m completely unaware that rules exist, & (I’m worried about) don’t know why everyone seems so stressed. Why can’t everyone just get along??!!
• Catchphrase : It’s better travel hopefully than to arrive

• Communication : Advice – Stop talking about bumblebeesupercumberwho….. They probably won’t start a conversation unless you share their interest – or, unless they’re sure you want to talk to them specifically

• Weaknesses : Too idealistic, loss of confidence, martyr attitude, can’t decide what they want,
• Manipulate : show high moral standards AND are a proudly victimized emo, timid BUT brave

• Paradoxes : Detached dreamer AND hyper-emotional. Tons of dreams BUT no practical realization
• Value:       • Fear : of a life without harmony

• Judge people by: their values
• Are Judged for : seeming to be fake

Become STRESSED from situations shown in illustration. They diligently ignore a problem until it’s too big to manage

Under stress (pure Sanguine or Supine) INFPs usually dislike conflict & trend to be passive-aggressive when experiencing frustration or dissatisfaction. They’re deeply dedicated to being their ‘true self’, in the extreme avoiding anyone or anything that doesn’t fit in with their inner value system, becoming intolerant a& hard to please.

In these circumstances they’ll be cynical, depressed, aggressive & prone to acute self-doubt. As stress increases, they can get extremely whimsical & stubborn, insisting on acting on feelings, while ignoring the logical implications & consequences of their actions. Also, they’re inclined to use their self-focus as a standard for all relationships & situations in their lives, sticking only to what reinforces their self-image, & reject everything else

• Hate : stereotypes, feeling overwhelmed, sneaky-amoral-manipulative thinking, being left by a loved one, conflict, feeling invalidated, lack of imagination, having to be too logical & objective, debates that don’t include social justice,  asking for help because they want to do it their way

• Don’t argue with an INFP while they’re holding : you hostage
• Never :  trap them   • Never tell them : “What you just said doesn’t matter”

GROWTH
Advice : Just act on your passion – nothing’s an excuse unless you make it so.

INFPs may struggle to speak up in meetings, leading others to assume they don’t care or have nothing to contribute, which makes it hard to convince others of the value of their ideas.

INFPs can help themselves by accepting they don’t need to resist or fight reality to fulfill their unique vision. Instead, it’s better to accept things as they really are & take advantage of opportunities to build the life they dream of. They need to learn to see all the possibilities without trying to filter them as right or wrong – living in reality instead of trying to change it or ignore it.

INFP Relationships
YOU : tends to be selective & reserved about sharing your deepest feelings & values, which can sometimes make you hard to understand. You’re seen by family & friends as sensitive and introspective. Your relationship superpower is Support.

• Thrive in any that are: deeply romantic & intimate

• As a friend, you the super quiet one in a group, but crazy with 1 or 2 good friends, always deep & introspective, who’ll listen to someone all day or all night. And when you do give advice, it’s totally on point, like you’re channeling  the person’s inner self

• Annoyed with: anyone you think is a fake

INFP Parent / child of INFP parent, INFP child   (ALSO….)

• Still single because : you’re the ‘friend’ type
• Unhealthy behavior : say ‘I love you’ on the first date

• Show interest : you’re confusing & slow. By the time they figure it out, you’ll like someone else
• Show love by : coordinating their needs, offer analysis, advice & help

• You want to hear : I believe in you
• You’re attractive/sexy because : you’re full of romance, feel so deeply & passionately. You seem so vulnerable, off in a dream world, & people wish they could be there with you

• You should date : someone who keep you grounded, show you reality, can be your anchor, is completely dependable, can protect you if needed, but also show how to protect yourself, help you modify expectations, & always works to impress you

• To attract you : they have to act like they have a deep broody secret they’re too guarded to let out. Then you won’t eat or sleep until you’ve gotten thru their wall (Your turn-on)

• Some famous  INFP: Helen Keller, Carl Rogers, Dick Clark, Neil Diamond, James Taylor, JFK, Lisa Kudrow, Scott Bakula

NEXT: INFJ