PREVIOUS : SPIRITUALITY (#3)

BOOK : “Attachment in Religion and Spirituality, a Wider View” ∼ Pehr Granqvist

Attachment, CHURCH & COUNTRIES
from Betsy Stalcup, founder & Exec.Director of Healing Center International (UK)

1. Secure  – For Baby to be securely attachment, Mother needs to be attuned to them. For a child’s healthy development, she is “good enough” if she’s available at least 50% of the time.

Securely attached people are confident & hopeful. They’re not anxious, so don’t avoid intimacy, & experience a wide range of emotions, enjoying safety & shalom (peace).

To represent this, Betsy chose Denmark, often dubbed “the happiest country in the world.”  EXP: New moms have a full year of maternity leave – unlike the U.S., one of only 7 countries in the world that doesn’t have this service!

SO – What kinds of churches exemplify a Secure attachment? Those that include both sides of the brain, that draw people to God through reason & words, as well as emotions & beauty – drawing by love, not fear. Their connection is based on who God says He is (in the Bible), rather than how our family & ‘religion’ treated us.

2. Distracted : Babies feel great when connecting with Mom.  But she only she attention when she’s in the mood for interaction, & other times ignores baby’s inter-personal needs. So, Baby vigilantly watches mom to make sure they doesn’t miss out on the crumbs when she makes herself available. As a result, Baby’s attachment light is always on.

These become adults who are clingy, overly dependent, filled with anxiety. They tend to experience emotions at the extremes, & are often labeled drama kings or queens.
A ‘Distracted’ worship style might be loud, intense, even charismatic. Reason & logic would not be as important as a LOVE relationship with God. Even so, it can be stormy, because nothing is ever enough.
EXP : Italy, land of passion where even talking is emphatic, pronouncing every syllable: Bru-sche-tta! Piz-zeh-ria! 

3. Dismissive–avoidant – Babies develop this attachment style when there is little or no interaction with Mom.  She’s not sensitive to Baby’s emotional or social cues, so its attachment light gets turned off. Since this relationship is not a source of joy, the child concludes it’s better to go it alone & find some thing else to attach to – not people.

Betsy chose England, home of the stiff-upper-lip, where historically the upper class sends their children off to boarding schools.
Dismissive adults tend to undervalue emotions & peoeel, so they’re more likely to choose churches that focus on reason & logic, on religious principles rather than spiritual connections. USA culture often considers Dismissives as “strong”. but actually, they long for intimacy without knowing how to achieve it.

4. The disorganized style is complicated (80% of abused children, most often in the inner cities). In this case Mom is mis-attuned to Baby. She’s not reliable – sometimes there, other times oblivious. She may be an active addict, mentally ill, have unprocessed trauma, or be a Disorganized herself.  So – Baby’s attachment light comes on erratically. The result is a confused, angry, lost adult.

Betsy chose Russia, where “drinking is pervasive & socially acceptable….” & the people are aggressive. Then perhaps so is their Deity. Any church that preaches “fire & brimstone” or portrays God as an angry punisher tend to draw this type. Their relationship with Higher Power is stormy, bonded by fear & anger, not love.

❤️‍🩹 Betsy asks : How can we help those with insecure attachments?
ANS: Encourage everyone to develop a Spiritual attachment, which has to be a 2-way conversation :
⏫️ From us – it’s talking to God in prayer, daily praising Him for who He is, as well as bringing all our joys, sorrows & requests.
⏬️ From heaven – it’s letting God talk to us, mainly by reading what He tells us about Himself in the Holy Scriptures – Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omni-present, Just & Loving.

We needed lots of time with Mom, but most of us were deprived of that as kids, although for some, we got to be with her more often as adults.
Even if she could never fill that longing, now we can form a Secure attachment to the Lord, by daily spending time with Jesus. We’ll find out how glad He is to be with us, & how lovingly attentive He is to our needs. His presence is healing.

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