PREVIOUS : Enneagram WINGS Types 8, 9
SITE: ☼ “Weekend anxiety: Are you dreading time off?”
☼ 7 Exercises to Heal You Inner Child
✳️ ISSUE: many ACoAs notice that when there is no action-goal in sight – the WIC gets panicked. This blank-time can be early mornings, evenings after work, but more likely non-workdays, usually weekends. (POSTS : ACoAs & TIME )
We don’t know what to do with free time. We may sleep too much, or
— wander around the apartment / house empty-minded
— endlessly obsess about something trivial or worrisome
— find some activity to distract (internet / social media / movies….)
— act out some addiction (shop, overeat, sleep around….)
If someone asks us “What do you want to do with this open time?” The most often response is “I don’t know.” This is in spite of the fact that on other occasions we’ve said – “I’d like to learn a language / go to the gym / take a walk / read some books / practice my guitar…..”
Yet when we have the time – we don’t. We waste many precious hours not really accomplishing anything worthwhile, which includes putting off things we say we want to do. AND then we give ourself a hard time about procrastinating – again!
1. Lack of “Identity”
Many ACoA say “I don’t know who I am”, this in spite of the fact that we may have actual tangible accomplishments. Again, this plaint is the WIC’s very real feeling-sense – when looking inside all we see is either a ‘monster’ or a blanks. (Post: “Abandonment pain“).
This comes from : a lack of legitimate mirroring (parents reflecting back to us who we are) so we can’t see ourself,
AND not having our human needs & personality needs identified, much less allowed to express & have provided
2. Fear of painful emotions
We bring with us into adulthood an enormous backlog of unresolved childhood pain. When things are too quiet – we may feel – which we don’t know how to cope with. (Posts : “What about Emotions?”)
And vagueness about taking actions includes trying to escape a deep inner loneliness which is not about being physically by ourself, since we can also feel disconnected & isolated in groups.
Rather, it’s the WIC’s aloneness we still carry – from the trauma of our parents not being able to connect to us/ with us in PMES ways, no matter how it seemed on the surface. They ignored & invalidated our emotions, punished us when we expressed any (excited, loving, hurt, angry….), and didn’t comforted us when we were in pain.
So now we’re terrified of experiencing any emotion, assuming all are ‘heavy’. We miss out on the pleasurable & joyful ones we can have from finding & expressing our True Self (Posts : “Being Confident“)
3. Lack of self-motivation
The ability to determine our own actions is based on having a fundamental sense of who we are (point 1), what our needs (point 2) & our rights are.
No matter how talented & accomplished many of us are, unrecovered ACoA are almost totally driven by external requirements, while still thinking we’re frauds!
This means we can & will do what is required or demanded of us from others – whether family, friends, work or religious community. (Posts: Co-dependence)
SO – when there’s nothing or no one else who needs our attention – we don’t know what to do. Like a stalled car, we’re going nowhere!
4. Wrong choices
It’s true that over the years we’ve accumulated a personal history of dysfunctional decisions that have turned out badly – because they were based on our S-H. & obeying the Toxic family Rules.
Without FoO work, we still don’t know how to pick any better, as long as our weak decision-making style is run by the PigParent & the WIC. We’re afraid to make yet another mistake, so are paralyzed.
Our WIC (listing to the PP) is convinced that whatever we do must be done exactly right! It’s the WIC’s uncontested belief, & this supposed requirement leaves us feeling overwhelmed, beyond our ability. So there doesn’t seem to be any point in even trying.
ERROR: In some “recovery” setting there’s a phrase that many people use – “I don’t have to be perfect” – thinking they’re relieving the pressure.
Q : What’s wrong with this statement? Why is the soooo harmful?
ANS: It implies that you could be perfect – if you just wanted to. WRONG, wrong, wrong! NO ONE is!
The belief in perfection prevents us from taking actions we’re very capable of.
❤️ To counter perfectionism, we must develop & apply the UNIT every day – by unconditionally loving our WIC, consistently disobeying the Toxic Rules, and actively providing our needs – to the best of our ability. (Posts : “Set goals to meet needs“)
NEXT : Attachment, Intro #1