ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 1)


comtrolling man 

EVERYONE HAS TO BE THE WAY I WANT
so I won’t feel so vulnerable!

PREVIOUS: Back-Lash for O-C – #2

READ: How ACoAs Abandon Others” #1

 

 


BEING HELPFUL
(vs. Controlling – see Healthy Helping’ posts)

The opposite of being controlling is to be of genuine help – with 2 main REQUIREMENTS:
a. Be clear about what the other person needs and that they actually want your help
b. You have the real ability to provide that need, and that you genuinely want to

CONTROLLING (C) behavior is cause by the disowned, un-felt emotion of FEAR!
No matter how optimistic & hard-working, all ACoAs are fear-based, from growing up in constant terror as kids. Because our fear was never acknowledged, comforted or talked about – it accumulated, & now sits like a poisonous fog over our layers of denial, experiences & determination.
🩸That’s not ‘being negative’ – it’s important to tell the truth. Then can we change it!

☆ Like most things in life, controlling comes in varying degrees of intensity
• Some Controllers are so tightly wound that it’s ‘their way or the highway’ & they’ll punish or ignore anyone who doesn’t fall in line with “the program” 
• Others are only C. when under a great deal of stress, especially if too many things go wrong at the same time

• Some are C. mainly when they’re with a certain category of people (children, a spouse….), so others don’t know what they’re really like in private  
☛  Even with Recovery, many ACoAs & addicts continue their C. patterns until they do FoO & Inner Child healing work.at arms length

ACoA IRONY :  Acting Controlling is one of many ways to keep others at emotional arm’s length,  preventing people from really connecting with us, while at the same time guaranteeing we’ll keep feeling abandoned ! It’s used as a defensive wall instead of developing real boundaries, which are flexible.

NOTE: Just because someone has a forceful personality doesn’t make them controlling. They can have strong opinions about everything, even insist they’re right, but not impose them on others.  
TEST : Do they allow you to be yourself? OR do they unduly influence your behavior (make demands, have unrealistic expectations, intimidate)?
Stay awake for the difference, in yourself & in others!

GENERALLY, Being Controlling IS :
Re US: • often copied from a C. parent
• fueled by deep anxiety – specifically FoA (fear of abandonment)
• driven by the WIC or internalized PP voices
• used to avoid feeling helpless, powerless, vulnerable, needypride
• a form of unhealthy pride – an unwillingness to back down & admit when we’re wrong, need help, don’t know everything….

• never being satisfied, always critical – our attention is on what we don’t have rather than what is possible and what is actually available to us
• trying to ‘force solutions’ – because we assume otherwise we won’t get our needs met
• a sneaky, dishonest way to get taken care of
• focused mainly on manipulating the outside world, instead of healing inner wounds
• trying to get noticed, be respected, seen, valued, appreciated… the wrong ways

Re. THEM – it means we :
• don’t trust others – TO take care of themselves, be competent, dependable, honest ….  superioity
• are disrespectful of other people’s autonomy, their right to learn from their own mistakes, have their personal life path, their tastes & moral values……
• are saying that someone owes you – because of what you’ve done for them, OR for what you’ve accomplished, your position…..

👺 Compulsive pattern : We keep trying to get people to be or do what we want, disregarding who they are, so we won’t have to feel abandoned, while picking the very people or situations that guarantee we will, because they’re just like our family
“Where there is control there is no love, only fear”

P.M.E.S. WAYS to control / manipulate others
Physically : use intimidating or guilt-making body language (a fist, a pout), threaten harm or actively hurt someone
Mentally (negative communication): name-call, be critical & discouraging, use guilt, create unfair obligations …..
Emotionally : pull on someone’s heart stings (cry) or be volatile (rage) – to get your way or to punish
Emotional blackmail –  threaten abandonment if someone doesn’t do what you want
Spiritually : Anything which diminishes the human spirit. Includes false prophets & cult leaders, doomsday literature…. promoting false visions, such as ‘the end of the world will be on X date’….

NEXT: ACoAs Acting Controlling, Part 2

2 thoughts on “ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 1)

  1. Enjoyed this and unfortunately (or fortunately) identified almost all of the behaviours you mentioned. I was not aware that Superior and Values were ways of controlling either – damn! I am very rigid at times, very very rigid but I am learning to be more flexible and accommodating as it doesn’t suit those around me! When you put a name to rigidity such as “Control” it really throws the trait back in my face, it makes me look at my rigidity as being a defect of character, not an asset. I am a person of procedure and don’t like to bend rules. Thanks for showing me my rigidity is all part of the control again. It is always rearing its ugly head!

    Like

    • There is a difference between liking order, procedure, dependability & plans VS. rigidity. The former is what we’re born with & can be valued as part of our true self. The latter is held in place by high levels of anxiety (terror) & the WIC not trusting – anyone! It’s up to us to prove to the kid that we are dependable & trustworthy BUT also accurate. So if I say – “Little one, I’m not trying to deprive you of something you want, but I can’t let you do…… because it always hurts you” the kid has to know if that’s true or not. Or I might say “Honey, let’s try this out because it’s good for us, even tho it scares you, & then let’s see how it turns out. Anyways, I’m here with you all the way.” When the results are better than we expect, the kid can breath easier.

      As we keep connected to the kid in a truthful & loving way, the need for rigidity begins to fade, but it’s ok if it never goes away completely.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.