Acting controlling – # 1
REVIEW: 5 LOVE Languages
LOVE vs. Control
✳️ Genuine love is concerned with the welfare of others, especially those people we’re personally connected to
👺 Controlling is all about us – what we can get, how we can change someone, how we can feel better (at their expense)…..
EXP: A woman is married a genuinely good man, who lets her to be herself. She knows he loves her but it doesn’t fe-e-el right – for the very reason that he’s not controlling, the way her family was.
The connection between love & control was originally wired into her emotional brain, becoming the image of how relationships are supposed to be. Her WIC says “He doesn’t tell me what to do, so he must not care!” Fortunately her Adult self knows better!
People Misusing Emotional Power BELIEVE:
• Because everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else (me), the best defense is a good offense
• I’ll always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others, so I keep them at an arm’s length
• If I’m open to their point of view they’ll try to mislead me
• I have to make them see it my way or they’ll have an edge on me
• My feelings come first. I need to convert everyone to my way
• Dump on them before they dump on you
• It doesn’t matter how they feel or react as long as you keep emotional control over them
• If you keep them busy enough they’ll ignore you
• Take control of them before they take control of you
• There’s only one way for people in your life to think & feel – your way
WAYS to Control others:
• Greed – insist others provide things you need in the world —
— sen though you can, but want to finally be taken care of!
— are afraid to try, can’t ask for help directly, don’t have permission
— OR, not sure how to provide for yourself but don’t want to learn
• MANIPULATE – try to coerce others into being Good Parent substitutes, instead of developing your own ‘UNIT’
• Over-giving (Love-Buying) : feel unworthy to receive unless you pay for love / respect, or to hide your rage at all abandoners
• Perpetrator – take advantage of someone who’s needy or ‘easy’, to feel one-up, to make up for being helpless as a kid
• Rigid – insist on Perfection, so have a hard time with negotiation & compromise
• Self-Pity – constant whining about how your life is so hard, you can’t do anything right, everyone as unfair & mean. It’s to force others to join in your misery (bring them down, to not feel alone) & be moved to rescue you
• Sickly – sick, needy, playing dumb… so people feel sorry for you
• Stubborn – won’t see anyone else’s point of view – fear of losing yourself, instead of having real boundaries
• Superiority – over-inflated sense of your own importance, being detached & above everyone, being a know-it-all — making others feel stupid, vulnerable, insecure & worthless
• Values – C. is sometimes rationalized / justified by claiming it’s simply wanting to do things the right way, having high standards, being helpful….
• Victim – constantly asking for approval & validation, keep saying you’re sorry, asking for permission to do anything….
EMPATHY vs Control
Controlling is when our needs, requirements, feelings…. infringe on the rights of others. When we selfishly or ignorantly step on someone’s boundaries, they are under no obligation to accommodate or empathize with us, since we’re being inappropriate & disrespectful.
⚠︎ This equally applies to anyone trying to control us! Cs. are not in touch with their own Es, so can’t ‘understand’ the pain they cause others.
Empathy is the ability to identify with another person’s emotions, to put ourselves in their place, without having to save or fix them. This emotion comes from the compassionate Healthy Parent ego state.
This should not be confused with symbiotic fusing, which is from the WIC or PP, AND is not needed to “feel” connected or visible.
NEXT: ACTING Controlling, Part 2