LOOK AT ME!
See how important I am!
PREVIOUS: Acting controlling – # 1
REVIEW: The 5 LOVE Languages
LOVE vs. Control
✳️ Genuine love is concerned with the welfare of others, especially those we have a personal connection to
👺 Controlling is all about us – what we can get, how we can change someone, how we can feel better…..
EXP: A woman married a genuinely good man, who lets her to be herself. She knows he loves her but it doesn’t fe-e-el right – for the very reason that he’s not controlling, the way her family was.
The connection between love & control was originally wired into her emotional brain, becoming the image of how relationships are supposed to be. Her WIC says “He doesn’t tell me what to do, so he must not care!” Fortunately her Adult self knows better!
BELIEFS of people who use Emotional Power over others:
• My feelings come first. I need to convert everyone to my way
• I’ll always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others, so I keep them at an arm’s length
• If I’m open to their point of view they’ll try to mislead me
• I have to make them see it my way or they’ll have an edge on me
• Because everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else (me), the best defense is a good offense
• Dump on them before they dump on you
• Take control of them before they take control of you
• If you keep them busy enough they’ll ignore you
• There’s only one way for people in your life to think & feel – your way
• It doesn’t matter how they feel or react, as long as you keep emotional control over them
WAYS to be Controlling:
• Greedy – insist others provide things you need in the world, even if you can, but want to be taken care of – finally!
— are afraid to try, can’t ask for directly, don’t have permission ….
— OR not sure how to provide for yourself & don’t want to learn
• Manipulative – try to coerce others into being Good Parent substitutes, instead of developing your own ‘UNIT’
• Over-giving – Love-Buying : compensates for being in a rage at all abandoners, or feel unworthy unless you pay for love / respect
• Powerless – take advantage of someone who’s needy or ‘easy’, to feel one-up, wanting to make up for being helpless as a kid
• Rigid – have a hard time with negotiation & compromise. Insist on Perfection
• Self-Pitying – constant whining about how your life is so hard, you can’t do anything right, people are unfair & mean – to force others to join in your misery (bring them down, to not feel alone)
• Sickly – sick, needy, playing dumb… so people feel sorry for you
• Stubborn – can’t see anyone else’s point of view – fear of losing yourself, instead of having real boundaries
• Superiority – over-inflated sense of your own importance, being detached & above everyone, being a know-it-all — making others feel stupid, vulnerable, insecure & worthless
• Values – C. is sometimes justified by claiming it’s simply wanting to do things the right way, having high standards, being helpful …..
• Victim – constantly: asking to be approved of, saying you’re sorry, asking for permission to do anything…. (to rescue you)
EMPATHY vs Control
Empathy is the ability to identify with another person’s emotions, to put ourselves in their place. This comes from the compassionate Healthy Parent ego state.
This should not be confused with symbiotic fusing, which is from the WIC or PP.
Controlling is when our needs, requirements, feelings…. infringe on the rights of others. When we let our needs step on someone’s boundaries, they are under no obligation to accommodate or empathize with us, since we’re being disrespectful & inappropriate.
⚠︎ This equally applies to ACoAs when we encounter someone trying to control us! C. are not in touch with their own Es, so can’t ‘understand’ the pain they cause others.
NEXT: ACTING Controlling, Part 2