I’M NOT CONTROLLING –
I just like things done right!
PREVIOUS: Acting Controlling (#2)
REASONS for Controlling:
• Angry – to express rage at our family – who we can’t always get back at directly – for not loving us unconditionally
• Needy – as adults, when we’re especially lonely, scared, vulnerable or desperate
• Terrified – the anxiety & panic is so intense that our only goal is trying to force everything everyone to become as safe as possible
• Controllers (Cs) are not just opinionated – they always have to be right, not willing to accept or tolerate differences or disagreements between themself & others
• Cs are more likely to be moody (up & down), emotionally unpredictable. Because they’re unhappy with their own life they think C others will improve their situation
• Cs use fear to keep others attached, because of their FoA (very scared people don’t want to venture out on their own). Keep others under their thumb by focusing on negatives in their Victim & in the world
• Cs tend not to be friends with anyone more attractive, well-liked or intelligent, likely to be jealous & critical of popular, successful people
• Cs may or may not have close friends. If they do :
— it’s usually with the needy, easily bullied, with poor self-esteem & weak boundaries
— OR they attach to someone ‘powerful’ they can feed off of
— OR treat ‘outsiders’ better than their own family, to be considered ‘wonderful‘ by anyone who didn’t grow up with them
• Cs can sense when they’re losing control, which can trigger psycho-somatic ailments (headaches, back or stomach pains, fainting, hives….). They can re-gaining control of a situation or relationship by getting attention, sympathy & concern from others
NOTE: Cs are very manipulative, playing head games to hide this character defect.
They can’t stand it when anyone stands up to them. It’s imperative to their unhealthy ego to stay one-up. The stronger & clearer you are, the harder Cs will work to tear you down. OR dump you
✶ This is particularly true of severely narcissistic parents who will make every effort to destroy a strong-minded child so that he/she can not expose or defy the controllers.
EXP: They DENY doing any harm, while accusing us of causing someone else’s bad behavior which hurt us (being cheated on, yelled at, fired ….): “What did you do?”
• Cs play on your empathy to gain trust early in a friendship, like: telling you what a hard life they’ve had – in great detail, AND saying they can only trust telling you, because you’re different, special!
• Cs attempt to define your reality – telling you what you like & want – or not – according to their tastes
EXP: You can say you need to be alone but they insist on taking up your time… you save something & they throw it away, saying ‘you don’t need that or it’s not important!’….
• Cs remember all the sensitive info we give them about ourselves. They’ll seem sincere & caring at first, then bring it up & use it to subtly belittle you, until you agree with them:
“Are you still crying about that? It was just a cat / a long time ago / not such a big deal…Right?”
• Cs often assume they understand how you think & feel, and are not shy about telling you, BUT really don’t!
EXP: “Your anger is bringing everyone down” when actually you’re withdrawn because of feeling deep pain, shyness, confusion….!
OR they get frustrated & abusive when you don’t act the way they are: “Do that in the morning when you’re fresh”- a morning-person mother said to her night-person teen
• Cs can also use excessive generosity to feel important, & make you feel indebted to them, so you’ll feel guilty if you don’t reciprocate or not do something they want!
• are often late, but always prepared with what seems like a legitimate excuse – so you can’t object
• are unwilling to respect any boundaries
• get frustrated & annoyed with normal questions
• make you wait for them – to respond, for decisions, to fulfill plans or promises….
• regularly expect you to change plans to suit their schedule
• rarely give sincere compliments – so you won’t feel good about yourself or take attention away from them
• will cause trouble between you & your family or friends
NEXT: Letting go of Controlling (#1)