PREVIOUS: Acting Controlling (Part 3)
SITE: Freedom & Control
See Acronyms Page for abbrev.
To change this dysfunctional pattern takes Willingness, Perseverance & Courage! We have to be ready to look at ourselves without intense judgement & S-H, or we’re not going to own the C. behaviors.
Reminder: You are not responsible to make changes or correct problems which are beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility – and that ARE the responsibility of another!
The OLD Way: Being C. is to function from the assumption that the only way to feel safe in the world is by arranging everything OUR way, all the time.
But, the very act of Controlling is a betrayal the True Self, so it shuts us off from healing our wounds & making loving connections with others, because of the fear & rage we carry from the WIC & PP.
Ironically, being a control freak never seems to include changing oneself! The Negative Introject (PP) keeps trying to deceive us, saying that the only way to proceed is to completely control every tiny detail of how & when things should happen, and/or how others should act.
At the same time the PP continues to tortures us – by making us believe that no matter how hard we work at it, we’ll never be good enough or do things right – to not lose power over us
• Being Controlling is NOT the same as having strong opinions. Rather, it’s a way to ‘force solutions’ by imposing our will on others
• C. (vs. Being in Control) can be called a character defect, but it’s imperative we don’t use that to berate ourself
• Being C is a form of grandiosity, a defense mechanism – defending against re-experiencing early vulnerability, powerlessness & daily neglect
• Being C. provides a temporary feeling of being powerful (not at the mercy of anyone!) but like all addictions, has to be constantly repeated, since it doesn’t heal our terror•
• We likely learned our style of controlling from someone in our family
• As the WIC heals & we strengthen our ‘Unit’, the need for it will diminish in intensity, but may never completely go away. This has to be accepted – with healthy humility & self-respect (opposite of grandiosity)
There are many wise things to be said about ‘Letting Go’, but here are 2 main ones for ACoAs. To grow we need to —
1. Let go of trying to win our parents’ love, if they didn’t /don’t have the capacity.
OR not chasing them (or substitutes) for the nurturing every child needs but was simply not available because of their damage, even if they meant well & said they loved us
2. Let go of the illusion that doing things perfectly will get us that love & approval. All it does is increase our self-hate & fear, because perfection is unattainable AND our family’s mental or emotional health is not – and was never was – in our power to create. People either can love us or not. We can not earn it!
A NEW Way
Freedom from Controlling comes from giving up on the internal fight, to stop trying to manage everything, to stop trying to please the PP, & by staying out of whatever is none of our business!
✶ This does NOT mean being lazy, withholding or paralyzed.
• Rather – it comes from knowing that even in times of discomfort our inner foundation is built on solid ground – a support system made up of our Loving Inner Parent, the Higher Power & respectful / kind people.
• Being comfortable in our skin includes allowing OTHERS to be themselves, & letting many circumstances be – just as they are. There’s a time to act & a time to be still. The Serenity Prayer tells us:
✳️ Change what you can right now, & Accept what you can’t change at all, what’s not yet possible, or is not yet the right time.
NEXT: Letting Go of C. – Part 2