coaching

Psychological DISORDERS – Psychopathy (Part 5a)

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PSYCHOPATHS & SOCIOPATHS
are mentally & emotionally dangerous

PREVIOUS: Personality Disorders (Part 4c)

POSTs on Emotional Immaturity 

SITEs: “8 Diversion tactics used by NPDs, PSs & Ss to manipulate you into silence”
• “One in 25 of you is a sociopath”
• “How to deal with a PS“

3. PERSONALITY DISORDERS

4. SOCIOPATHS (Ss) & PSYCHOPATHS (PSs)
Sociopathy  – a pervasive & persistent disregard for morals, social norms, and the rights & feelings of others

Psychopathy – characterized by amoral & antisocial behavior, extreme egocentricity, an inability to love, failing to learn from experience….. 

These are both antisocial PDs, at the far end of the spectrum. The FBI identifies them as sensation-seeking, with predatory behavior, a lack of remorse & the need for control or power over others. There is some debate as to whether they’re fundamentally different or just different in degree of mental illness. While there are overlaps, & psychiatrists often considering them as the same, criminologists treat them differently because of  their outward behavior.

Some Ss & PSs will seem cold, indifferent & mysterious, but not all – because they can be very skilled at social camouflage. Around the average, unaware ‘normal’ they can hide in plain sight, such as being the perfect neighbor or partner. But it’s all a con job, using fake charm to achieve whatever their goal happens to be in each situation.

✥ SIMILARITIES ✥  They:
• are completely self-serving & don’t care about putting themselves or others at risk
• don’t feel guilt or remorse
• begin to show up around age 15, & may start with cruelty to animals
• can be charming, despite being unable to empathize with others
• can have intense emotional outbursts, or be violent
• convincingly seem to show fear or disgust, but lack both
• disregard laws, social mores, conventions & the rights of others
• some can be treated with medication, & sociopaths perhaps with therapy
(Artwork by Chato Stewart)

✥ Lisa E. Scott’s article “Narcissist or Sociopath? What’s the Difference?”  suggests that Narcissists are a subset of Sociopaths. The following distinction can be useful, altho too simplistic:
“Narcissists see others as a means to validate their existence. The less validating you are, the less useful you are to them.
Sociopaths see others as entertainment. The less entertaining you are, the less useful you are to them.”

NOTE: If someone complains about being abused by a S or PS, they’re not likely to be believed because those types often seem to be so friendly – even helpful! HOWEVER – Superficial pleasantness is one of the top criteria for both disorders. Often these anti-social predators will appear nicer, more honest & more interesting than the person they’re abusing!

Shannon Thomas (Salt Lake City therapist) says: “Narcissist, Sociopaths & Psychopaths are notorious for picking targets that initially boost their ego. It could be someone’s appearance, age, intellect, career success, family & friends….
Once the target is hooked, the toxic person sets out to tear down the exact qualities that attracted them to their victim in the first place. It’s entertainment for the abuser to destroy an originally healthy & happy person.”
⬅️ Classic — See how she’s sitting forward & he’s not?!

NOTE: Co-dep ACoAs make the best targets. Without a strong sense of identity (“I don’t know who I am”), we will look to anyone who initially makes a fuss over us, guides & helps us (controlling) & makes us feel needed. But without Recovery we’re just sitting ducks, manipulated & then thrown away. So we feel abandonment devastation & think: “See – I knew I was defective!”

✥ DIFFERENCES ✥
S – SOCIOPATHS
ORIGIN: Sociopathy can either be congenital (inborn emotional deficiency), or from brain injury or lesions. But most often it’s developed – from a combination of family tree inheritance, the child’s personality makeup, & either very low or very high intelligence. Negative social factors : a severely destructive early family life, poverty, lack of education, direct exposure to violence to self & others, delinquent peers…..

Continual abuse & neglect retard / injure neurological growth in children, affecting the autonomic nervous system, resulting in long-term physical & psychological damage. (“abuses scar the brain….“). Sociopathy can be caused BY :
— years of  childhood trauma, as well as parental addictions, dissociation, narcissism, …. OR
— damage in the form of parental over-protection, over-indulgence, lack of boundaries, emotional unavailability….. (Continued in #5b)

NEXT: Disorders #5b

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 3)

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WHAT A CONCEPT : Honest doesn’t mean hostile.
Pleasant doesn’t mean passive!

PREVIOUS: P-A ACoAs (# 2)

SITEs:” Emotionally Volatile People”
• “Difficult People & how to Handle Them”

REVIEW (cont)
1.The GAME // 2. WHO plays the game

3. CAUSEs of the game
ACoAs ; from our family, school, religion…. we were NOT allowed :
• to be angry, to the point of not even knowing we are!
• to know what we wanted, how we felt, what we preferred (being too much of an individual got smashed – so it left us confused)
• to ask for anything (don’t bother them)
AND
• were taught to never put ourselves first
• always had to always be perfect (no mistakes) – so better not choose anything
• no matter what we did, we were punished, so we couldn’t win
• safer to not be too visible (in a dangerous family, & later in abusive relationships)
• taking any risk was discouraged, made fun of, punished (so now we can’t risk ‘failing’ & being disappointed)

4. EFFECTs of the game, as the P-A
a. Negative Benefits – WE DON’T have to :
• figure out who we are, what we want & need
• disobey any of the toxic family rules
• admit we’re angry, even raging, underneath
• stand up to the ‘control freaks’
• make a mistake & deal then with consequences
• AND we get to blame others when something goes wrong, & maintain the illusion of superiority

b. Negative Consequences of being P-A :
• always feel scared of disapproval & losing people (FoA)
• it increases our Self-Hate & Loneliness 
• lose out on many opportunities to grow, to be heard, to have fun
• make other people mad at us, a lot! for forcing them to carry all the responsibility & then getting blamed
• never get what we really want, unless by accident or by luck
• we are dis-empowered, lose self-esteem, stay a victim, are infantilized, stay mute, don’t risk anything

4. HEALTHY
a. General: We need TO
• identify all the ways we were hurt as kids, including the specific messages we still obey, like ‘don’t feel’ , ‘don’t talk’ (Toxic Rules)
• prevent the Wounded Inner Child from running our life BY growing a Healthy Adult & Loving Parent  (the UNIT) who can make executive decisions about how to own & fulfill our needs
• book-end with the IC, to outgrow living in the past. If done consistently, it will teach the WIC the difference between what’s possible & real in the present, vs the way it was in our dysfunctional family

b. For Passive-Aggressives – we need TO:
• keep a safe distance from anyone who is easily provoked to anger
• own our hidden resentments, anger, rage, bitterness
• learn safe ways of discharging rage, & healthy ways of expressing it to others, when needed
• practice saying what we need, want, like, prefer – to find out that nothing bad happens to us or others
• stop looking for other people to be in charge of our life, tell us what to do, make our decisions & choices

➼ Practice making ‘I’ statements every day, silently to yourself, so it gets easier & easier to say out loud:  “I want… I need… I don’t like… I’d rather…  that’s not for me… ” UNTIL it’s your new norm!

c. For Volatiles – we need to:
• accept that the rage is legitimate, but our actions are not always healthy
• find out what’s under the rag e: the reality of child abuse & neglect we lived thru, and the pain it created
• become safe enough to feel what’s underneath – grief, sadness, loneliness, hurt, sorrow, vulnerability Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.24.27 PM.png
• learn calming techniques (bio-feedback, prayer, poly vagal exercises, visualizations…)
• own our Inner Sadist: make friends with it, but never let it act out
• work on getting rage out in safe, appropriate places (therapy groups, 12-step programs, doing rage-work at home, drawing, writing….)

➼ Practice comforting & mentally holding the WIC, so he/she doesn’t feel so alone with all its pain.  Give yourself permission to cry – it is not a weakness – no matter what our family taught us!  Crying clears out toxins & releases pent-up emotional stress. It’s very necessary!

Realistically, while P-As can definitely work on having permission to express anger & rage, it’s usually up to the V. to STOP the game, stop reacting to / expecting (anything) from the P-A. Maybe even having to leave!

NEXT: Qs – Are you P-A?

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 2)

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I’M NOT ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY
– but you are (lucky you)!

PREVIOUS: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs (#1)

SITE: “When your Defenses lead you into trouble“

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


REVIEW – (cont)
1.The GAME

2. WHO plays the game (Chart – slide #7)
a. P-As always look for & often find another person who is overtly angry / volatile* (V.) to play the game with – no fun being stuck with all that UN-expressed rage alone! (See: Inter-personal games, Eric Berne).

As adults, they desperately need to maintain their illusions of being perfect, in the faint hope of getting or keeping their parents’ approval, being taught that strong emotions are considered dirty, messy, dangerous – even murderous! Being P-A is another unsuccessful way of denying intense fear of abandonment

b. ✶ Volatiles need P-As (for their part, or the game wouldn’t work) :
• it gives them an excuse for letting out some of their rage ‘legitimately’
• it’s much safer than aiming the rage at the real target – their family
• the rage makes them feel powerful, to cover vulnerability & emptiness
• both Vs & P-As are addicted to finding someone they can act out their childhood ‘story’ with. Vs are used to being disappointed, too, & P-As do continually disappoint! It’s their trade-mark, & it can be used to identify them.
• sooner or later, usually later, it’s inevitable that Vs get angry, raging, even nasty at P-As – out of legitimate, intense, longstanding frustration at the P-As’ tactics!  Of course: Vs have to stick around for this! They’re part of the game.

DIRTY POOL – P-As unconsciously, sometimes knowingly, will find & use ‘available’ Volatiles as their own personal pressure valve – as if getting the V. to explode with rage would relieve their own pent-up hostility. When Vs get angry, P-As get very self-righteous. They feel victimized & cry: “I haven’t DONE anything!  Why are you attacking me?
SO THEY CAN
• Accuse Vs of being controlling, even though they set the V. up TO:
— take care of them emotionally & practically
— vent their anger/rage for them
— make all the decisions in the relationship!
— use the V a substitute for the original harmful parent

• Make Vs the crazy or bad one (instead of themself), of being abusive & unfair, of reacting to ‘nothing’. That way the Vs can be ‘the monster’ for pouring out that vile stuff (anger) which P-As are terrified in themself.
They can continue to feel superior & ‘clean’, keeping their ‘good-child’ status. After all, P-As can point to being easy-going, never raising their voice or letting out that ‘nasty‘ anger – right?
➼ BUT that is exactly the point – they don’t DO many things that are their responsibility.  P-As make other people responsible for decisions they should be making themself, (even if they like the ones being made for them). They neglect to ‘show up’, hold up their end, be an equal partner or peer – ie. an adult. P-As stubbornly – yes angrily – demand to be rescued, never not expressing their needs / wants.

• THEN, if /when something goes wrong – when they don’t like the choices the V. made for them, or are disappointed with the outcome – they can blame the other person & continue to play the victim.

• AND P-As can say to the other person: “YOU’RE so controlling!” (& unspoken: “I hate you”). Wow! How dishonest.
✶ BUT if the V. stops playing the game, the P-A may finally tip their hand – if only briefly – showing the true rage behind their mask

EXP: Mark (P-A) & Sandy (V.) meet at a classical concert & become art-loving, theater-going friends. Mark regularly says self-deprecating things that are clever & funny, & Sandy obliges by laughing.
After a few months Sandy becomes increasingly uncomfortable with her complicity in Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 12.04.49 AMMark’s self-hate. The next time he makes a crack about himself – she doesn’t laugh & is quiet. He gets annoyed & indirectly insults her for not responding ‘correctly’.

Later he buys her a B/day gift which deeply offends her artistic & Christian values – an ugly-made goddess statue – knowing her religious background! She can’t imagine his intention – but is outraged. She instantly blows up at him & gives the gift back. Naturally he’s shocked & insulted. After all – it was well-meaning. Instead he mails her a self-righteous note, asking “Is that any way for a Christian to act?”.  End of friendship! Sandy feels ashamed for blowing up but also relieved to get away.

NEXT: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs, (Part 3)

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

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I HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry
PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITEs: 27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened
• P-A Commuter Types – (London)

** Southern P-A veiled insults 


Somethings Passive-Aggressives SAY :
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded insults instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures P-As do not get their needs met, while feeling ONE UP.
When they give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly sweetly nasty comments, they’re cresting brain fog, so most ‘recipients’ don’t catch on that they’re being messed with. 

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but aren’t afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they rarely point a finger at others,, keep the focus on themself, not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate directly with ‘I‘ statements.
EXP: “I won’t be able to help you with that // This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all the following statements are ‘you’ types (some implied), and none of the “I” statements are kind or supportive, nor admit personal responsibility for their feelings / opinions

THIS often leaves someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I catch them or say ‘this hurt’ – will they deny or attack?……”  What the P-A wants is for others to always be off-balance.

This list includes things said/written by any adult in any setting
• Aren’t we pretty today? = Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly
• Don’t bother! = means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• Don’t take it so personally = means that it was a very personal barb
• Fine. Whatever = sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
• How is your therapy progressing? =You don’t seem to be getting any better (maybe worse!) // you’re still such a mess, I don’t think even this will help
• I’m coming! = foot-dragging, putting off doing something they want // I’m busy!

• I didn’t know you meant now = means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway
• If you really want to = means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend = finally, since you’re not very desirable
• If you insist! = means I don’t agree //  I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
• It’s fine if you’re late, again = they feel disrespected but think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
• I didn’t do anything (wrong) = complete denial of their abuse or neglect
• I didn’t mean anything by it = means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• I h0pe it’s worth it = they’re “worried” about a choice or decision you’re making, think it’s wrong and hope you fail
• I thought you knew/ are in the loop = they had no intention of including you
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by…  = a disguised criticism
• I was only joking = sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today = boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately (although you have not been sick)
• No worries = short for Screw You
• So… (by itself) = another form of Screw you, or what’s your point? — If in a sentence : So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?…..  = the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it
• Sure, I’d be happy to = they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
• This is far too complicated for you to understand = dumb, dumb, dumb
• Thanks in advance = you’re will do what they want, without your input or consent

• You’re asking too much / just wanted everything to be perfect = they don’t want to do what you asked for, but can’t get away with putting it off, so do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations / with what you had to work with = means the P-A is jealous, but patting you on the head like a child. OR are very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you

• You decide / whatever you want = (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & then objects or criticized your choices
• You’re imagining things = means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free – got away with abuse
• You’re so intense / too emotional = P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your strong emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
• You’re too sensitive = P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility, judgement or insult
• Why are you getting so upset? = means “Ha, I got you!”
• We’re watching your progress & hoping the best for you = we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you, but want to sound supportive!.

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

Hidden ISSUES for Angry ‘Nice’ People (Part 1)

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P-A issuesAS LONG AS I’M ‘GOOD’
I’ll be OK (I hope!)

PREVIOUS: Intro b

SITE: Danger of Suppressing Anger

QUOTE: Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways”.  Sigmund Freud

ISSUES for “Secretly angry” people
GREAT DESIRE
• to be loved  //  to not be attacked // to not be alone or lonely

BASIC FEARSsad girl
• of self-reflection //  being abandoned //  being punished

UNDERLYING ISSUES
• feel inadequate, not entitled, self-hating, shame-bound
• not allowed to be assertive or angry, always assume rejection

WELL-BEHAVED, But ALSO:
• controlling, critical, unforgiving // indirectly cruel, attacking, vengeful
• depressed, fussy, hard to please, moody, shy, thin-skinned, withdrawn

PAY-OFFS for using defenses (ie. Negative Benefits)
1. False Weakness (see Original LL)
a. Avoid facing childhood pain
• Connecting with the pain of past & current emotional injuries makes us feel vulnerable, out of control, small & helpless. Anger is energizing – but not allowed – so we end up in constant anxiety, & don’t know why

b. Create physical pain (real or not), as substitute for #a.
• If we’re workaholic (do, do, do) and not allowed to rest / relax / have fun, we can get sick to slow us down
suffer• If we’re not allowed to be given empathy, sympathy, emotional support…. then physical ailments become a way of eliciting some of it ‘legitimately’, since they are tangible & considered acceptable, while emotional hurts can’t be seen & are often considered a weakness or ‘dramatic’
• If we’re not allowed to be/feel taken care of or to find the right kind of help, practically or psychologically, then being weak, sick, incapacitated…. can get us some attention

c. Continue being mistreated & abused

• Some of us are so used to being in the victim role – which we really were as kids – that we don’t want to give it up as adults, because it would create separation anxiety from the family & our bad-parent Introject.
Being a victim is about the ‘poor MEs’, staying emotionally immature, waiting to be taken care of. While there is a lot of anger under this position, it’s not supposed to show!

d. Get approval for a role
STOIC:
Not letting ourselves experience & deal with jealousy, anger, sadness, fear…. is often incorrectly considered ‘strong’, & gently admired in many parts of our society, including the religious community.  They tells us it’s not OK (weak or un-spiritual) to admit to or show unpleasant ‘negative’ emotions, especially anger. It’s called  ‘loosing it, being emotional’. We’re even told that all emotions ‘cloud our judgment’.
Unfortunately obeying these dictates is harmful physically & psychologically  (CHART)

DOORMAT: Being such a ‘nice’ person that you have no opinions or boundaries may make it easier on some people to be around us – especially narcissists – & superficially satisfies our WIC’s desperation to never be abandoned by others, but it insures that we abandon ourself  (MORE….”Recovering Doormat”)

2. False Strength (See Reverse  LL)
a. Superiority
• Admired – as martyr, ‘good guy’, saint, ‘spiritual’
• One-up – needing others to be needy, sick, dependent, not successful

b. Controlling
• Emotional blackmail, to keep others fearful, attached to us
• Demand our own way (always) – ‘nice’ is only superficial
• Hamper or destroy ‘loved ones’  – if they try to be free, happy, themselves

c. Punishing / manipulating
• When we, in the guise of ‘good’ GIVER (G), continually help / rescue / dominate – another person, then the Receiver/ victim/ inferior / weaker (R) must:
— have unquestioning, blind loyalty, never object or question
— always provide affection & total attention, care-take

• If the R. objects, withdraws or rebels, then:
— Giver (G) sees R. as selfish, ungrateful, abusive
— G. will punish R. overtly or covertly, attacking or withdrawing

NEXT: SYMPTOMS of Hidden Anger (#1)

Secretly Angry “Nice” People (Intro-a)

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secretly nice -1I ALWAYS HAVE TO ACT NICE
to hide how angry I really am

PREVIOUS: Multiple Intelligences #3e

POST: “What about Anger?”

 

REVIEW
Our culture does not support, tolerate or excuse expressing anger in obvious ways – except when participating in or watching sports, or being drunk! Oh right, the BIRDS can be angry – but not humans! One reason is that most people assume there’s only one way to let it out – explosively, dangerously – which of course scares other people, since it can be physically & emotionally unsafe.
But it’s not the only way (“Ways to react” posts).

Since everyone was born with the ability to feel anger (A.), just as we have the natural capacity to experience all the other Es – in varying degrees – each of us figures out how to deal with it, based on our personal tendencies & what we copied or learned as kids.

BTW : The Enneagram triad GUT numbers▼ related to Anger are #8, 9 & 1, Each expresses anger & aggression in a nuanced way :
#8 – it’s externalized, acting automatically, & when pushed – reacts blindingly fast
— angry 8s will think in caricatures or temporarily blank out (9 levels)
#9 – repress A., processing it unconsciously, ignore it by idealizing everything
— repressed 9s tend to get mentally fuzzy, or go into long ramblings (9 levels)
#1- use the superego to represses it, then it comes out as being righteous
— compulsive 1s tends to think only in black & white (9 levels)

In our society, A. is usually called a ‘negative’* emotion – even by the best regarded teachers, writers & therapists. This is wrong!
This misnomer comes from NOT separating the TEA components:
❤️ The Emotion itself (physical energy & information about our environment), vs.
💀 the way we frame it in our Thinking (acceptable or unacceptable), vs.
✍🏽 how we Act on it – Positively or Negatively.

*The EMOTION of Anger itself should never be designated as a negative! It is not only blatantly inaccurate to do so, but does it a great injustice – because A. gives vital information about bad things happening to us or around us. NO emotion is negative, only harmful thoughts & actions are! Anger is a necessary & appropriate reaction to 3 main things:
✔︎ being scared, being frustrated & being hurt (such as threatened, ignored, disrespected….). (see T.E.A. // ‘Feelings aren’t facts’ )

★ And anger is a healthy response to any abuse & deprivation of very real needs (attention, safety, respect, love, freedom, encouragement, comfort….)

Normally, Anger can be:
• an immediate response to a particular situation, or
• gradually built up from a series of real or perceived injustices or threats, or
• a slow escalation from long-term abuse, neglect, or being treated unfairly

Emotionally HEALTHY Nice People have good self-esteem. They are:
• direct, clear & positive in communication & behavior
• happy, self-assured, assertive, confident, relaxed, easy
• well-behaved, socially appropriate, well-mannered, generous
• thoughtful, helpful, kind, loyal, respectful, sensitive to others

But when someone doesn’t have any safe outlet for their anger, it will go underground. It becomes a part of our ‘Shadow“,  (aspects of ourselves we find unacceptable) so we reject & push the anger into the unconscious.
However, the emotion never goes away on its own – until it’s expressed in safe ways and by fixing the causes, if possible. Instead, it stays locked in our muscles, ligaments, organs & auras. (See ‘Symptoms‘)
Over time, this trapped energy will become too big to be contained & will end up coming out sideways!

Freud once likened anger to the smoke in an old-fashioned wood-burning stove: Normally, the smoke goes up the chimney, safely away. But if this is blocked up, the smoke will leak out – thru the grate, under the door, thru the vents…. choking everyone in the house. It needs to be cleaned out. But if all avenues of escape stay blocked, the fire will eventually go out, making the stove useless.

In the same way, blocking up the natural flow of our anger-energy becomes harmful to self and others. If we shut it down for too long, it puts out our internal fire, & makes us ineffective. We need a safe outlet for all emotions.

NEXT: Secretly angry nice people (Intro-b)

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 3c)

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in your head PREVIOUS: Manipulation #3b

SITE: 8 Ways to spot Manipulators

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Manipulative TACTICS (cont.)
Foot-in-Door
Start by asking someone for a small favor they don’t mind doing, then when they’re in the middle of it, add on other things or ask for the big thing you really wanted – making it hard for them to say nofoot in door

Guilting
Telling a conscientious victim they don’t care enough, are too selfish or have it easy, to keep them in a self-doubting, anxious, submissive position. OR make someone feel bad that you don’t have qualities, people or things the way they do (you’re jealous /envious), so they’ll feel sorry & volunteer to help you

Judgmental – the (T) form of T.E.A.
— all the time about everything, which is narcissistic
— occasionally, when old abandonment terror is triggered by a person or situation, but you don’t recognize it’s a reminder of childhood neglect & abuse

Mirroring (negative)
Physically &/or verbally copying someone you want to influence, by using their same body language, intonation pattern, language, preferences… making them feel ‘seen’ – so then they’ll copy you (symbiosis)

Over-promising
Saying yes to anything asked of you even when you’re not interested or it doesn’t suit you, & you don’t have time anyway – just so you’ll be liked. You over-book & then forget or cancel at the last-minute

One up-One Down
a. Feel superior – morally better with more value as a person, rather than being better at certain things (not just having a higher IQ), in order one upto keep everyone away, & not acknowledge your need for connection, help, comfort….

b. Feel inferior, believing you’re worse than everyone else (weaker, dumber, less capable….)
— to stave off assumed inevitable abandonment, disappointment AND
— obeying Toxic Rules “I am unlovable” / “I’m too much trouble” / “Don’t have needs”….
— living in deprivation, trying to get others to meet your needs

c. Fake humility – hiding the compulsion to dominate – by being the servant, helper, assistant, perhaps to serve a ‘higher cause’…. while controlling things from the wings

People-Pleasing / Perfectionism
Constantly trying to be or do whatever others want, or what you think they need/want, going above & beyond what’s called for or expected. Make yourself indispensable so they’ll approve of you & never ‘go way‘

Victim
Put a burden on others to be the ‘good parents’ you never had, BY:
• dismissing your own ‘voice’ & not taking up enough spacevictim
• going along, suffering in silence – but others can feel it
• give up what you want to avoid conflict, but are quietly resentful
• don’t ask questions, but always trying to explain or defend yourself
• talk in indirect or convoluted ways, instead of declarative statements
• withholding, as a form of silent disapproval
• believing you have nothing worthwhile to contribute……

COMBINED Manipulation of Self & Others
Taking on the Scapegoat Role as a child (NOT the same as being scapegoated by the family). It’s the child’s attempt to spare the obvious narcissist / addict their pain, by taking it on & acting it out for them – assuming this will alleviate the heaviness it can feel in others.
It’s a way the child denies admitting that the abandoning adults are as sick as they are & not willing to change

This manipulative tactic (usually unconscious) continues into adulthood – the ACoAs continuing to sacrifice their own needs, good name & protect familystanding in life – if it will make others ‘feel better’ by avoiding responsibility for their own damage

On one level this Role is genuinely taken on in the name of love, but at a deeper level it’s about the fear of losing connection, the ultimate childhood terror.
Unfortunately, the sacrifice is never successful or unappreciated, only being disrespected & dismissed. So when the Scapegoat is treated badly or ignored, this ACoA gets very angry at anyone they’ve been trying to ‘save’.

Adult Scapegoats only focus on being rejected or & invisible, left outfeeling unloved, excluded, attacked – BUT not seeing that they —
— allow themselves to be used & toyed with by unscrupulous types
— experience real or imagined slights as a direct rejection, as if others are focus on them, or hell-bent on hurting them
— perpetuate childhood environment of fear, loneliness & abandonment BY not having a strong core identity based on self-esteem & self-respect.

NEXT: Manipulation #4a

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I’LL RISK EVERYTHING –
to feel that ‘high’

PREVIOUS: Bad Decision Styles – #2

 

PART 3: Last 6 of 18 types of unsound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections (no known source).  While these types represent dysfunction, they’re based on each person’s native approach to life, with the addition of an unhealthy upbringing.

Some EFFECTS of bad D.M.:
• we compromise ourselves – our self-worth, values, needs….
• we don’t get what we say we want, so we can obey our Toxic Rules
• we do get what they want, but at the expense of others, damaging our relationships
• they generate anxiety, distress, shame, guilt, self-hate….
• we experience physical symptoms, aches and pains, major illness
• have to learn lessons the hard way instead of making life easier
• waste a lot of time, either doing unnecessary things or having to cleanup a mess later

• we hurt, disappoint, ‘abandon’ people we care about & love
• loss of important opportunities, with some that can’t be retrieved
• suffer unnecessary financial distress, debt, loss of valuable property
• get in trouble with authorities, the law, go to jail
• they may lead to accidents, permanent injuries, deathconsequences
• they’re a waste of our precious life, talents, abilities, potential….

Allowing for Nuances
• Most decisions are NOT written in stone, so they’re nor forever, even tho some do have far-reaching consequences, so it’s wise to strive for ‘sane’, healthy, adult choices as often as possible
D.M. is inherently circular, since most are made by moving back and forth between:

a. the characteristics we want our choice to meet (the ‘new’ car we want to get should be small, used & inexpensive but not worn out)
b. identifying the possibilities we can choose from  (depending on where we live, how much money we have, our knowledge about used cars…)
— The alternatives available influence the criteria we apply to them, and vice versa – the criteria we set influence the alternatives we consider

• ACoAs tend to lump all types of decisions together – all are huge, impossible, overwhelming, undo-able — we think ALL have equal importance & equal consequences. NOT SO!
We can divide decisions into (at least) 3 levels of importance & intensity. Use these suggestions to make your own outline.  It can be argued than any choice can cause a big problem OR have a great benefit, but if we use our Adult observation we can have a general sense of what to expect, as long as we don’t limit our thinking to what happened in our childhood

SMALL-ish Decisions: where to do for dinner, what to wear, when to talk to someone, to go or not go to a party, which errands to do when, buying something for the house…..
MEDIUM Decisions: Where to go on vacation, what diet to use, to go back to school, change accountants, redecorate, get a new car….
BIG Decision: change careers, get married or leave a relationship, move to a different city or country, stop using drugs / alcohol / cigarettes, start going to therapy, have an operation…..

✶ The more we come to believe “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW”, trusting our intuition & judgment, the easier the process of D.M. becomes.

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

IT’LL ALL TURN OUR GREAT –
no matter what they say!

PREVIOUS: Bad Decision Styles – #1

 

PART 2: Next 6 of 18 types of unsound decision making (D.M.) styles & their corrections. (No known source) While these types represent dysfunction, they’re based on each person’s native approach to life, with the addition of an unhealthy upbringing.

4 general Categories of D.M.
✥ By Command – made without input from anyone else
✥ By Consultation – inviting & include input from others
✥ By Vote – discuss options & then call for a vote, majority rules
✥ By Consensus – keep talking until everyone agrees on one outcome

Warning SIGNALS (interchange a. & b.) that:
a. you’re about to make a weak, unhealthy or dangerous decision:
• when you’re exhausted, sick, emotionally distressed or overwhelmed
• are not willing to change your mind when a situation changesbad choices
• only think of what you want & how you feel, ignoring everyone else
• base your choice only on fear, anxiety & low-self-esteem
• don’t plan for dealing with difficult people or unexpected events

• don’t consider the bigger context, or the possible consequences to you or to others
• twist yourself to fit other people’s expectations of how you should behave, conform to peer pressure or automatically agree with the majority (being overly dependent on others)
• ignore available information (newer, better) that would help you make a better choice about a person or situation

b. you have made a weak, unhealthy or dangerous decision:
• when you didn’t do anything even tho it was important to act
• acted before you were ready or before the time was right
• made a choice using familiar CDs, such as B & W thinking
• ignored glaring problems or important factors that you knew about a situation
• ignored hints that told you something was wrong or there was too much uncertainty

• chose a way of doing something so you wouldn’t have to ask for help
• picked an action based on “well at least I” ……have a job, don’t look stupid, have a boyfriend, am safe, to available information — which comes from a poverty or victim mentality
• based a decision on what you thought you should do, rather than what was right for you & the situation

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

NO MATTER WHAT I PICK –
it’ll always be wrong!

PREVIOUS: Procrastinators Anon Tools

 

 

PART 1 = First 6 of 18 types of un-sound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections. (No known source) While these types all represent dysfunction, people gravitate to one of these styles as a reflection of their inborn approach to life, along with an unhealthy upbringing.

• No matter what our personal style, ACoAs have a great deal of difficulty making decisions. This deficiency has nothing to do with our basic intelligence, only our damage. An apparent exception are those in the Hero / Rescuer family role – who seem to be able to make decisions easily & continuously. But the hidden worm in the fruit is that they only do it on behalf of others. Decisions for themselves are rare & usually unhealthy

– D.M. is the process of identifying & choosing alternatives, based on our values & preferences &
– D.M. is the process of reducing enough uncertainty & doubt about our options to give us the freedom to pick out the best one at the moment

❀ SOME REASONS we have trouble with D.M.
• not having a clear identity (who am I, how do I present myself, what do I need or want….)
• letting the WIC (wounded inner child) be in charge of considering what to do, who either acts impulsively or is stuck / paralyzedbad decisions
• not trusting the knowledge, judgment & experience we’ve gathered throughout our life

• not realizing we have options to choose from, or better options than we think we have
not having permission to change our minds – about anything!
• being in denial about what we know regarding a person or situation

• fear of making the wrong choice – we think the wrong one will have life & death consequences, or result in severe punishment or self-hate, afraid of taking risks, asking for help, getting good things

• co-dependence: wanting to please everyone, all the time
• growing up with a series of double-binds (paralyzes us)
• not having enough or the correct information to decide accurately
• using CDs (cognitive distortions) in thinking about a problem

➼ As we Recover, some of these reasons melt away, some diminish & some we struggle with throughout life – & which is which will be different for different people.