self-care

Psychological DISORDERS – Psychotic (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self-care, Self-esteem

I CAN’T TELL
what’s real any more!

PREVIOUS: Disorders 5c

SITE: 12 types of psychosis

 

3. PERSONALITY DISORDERS
4. SOCIOPATHS & PSYCHOPATHS


5. PSYCHOTIC
Psychosis is a severe mental illness caused by a combination of inherited genes, & things a person experiences or is exposed to in life (traumatic birth, poison, diseases of the nervous system such as epilepsy & Parkinson’s, syphilis, drug use, severe social changes/ traumatic events…..)

It’s a group of extreme disorders expressed in abnormal thinking & perception – a gradual inability to distinguish oneself from one’s surroundings, ie. losing touch with reality. Psychological defenses become overloaded by stress & the sufferer breaks down, making it hard to separate ones thoughts & experiences from what’s going on outside. The most common form is Schizophrenia. (See site above)

Psychosis may or may not be a part of other mental illnesses as well, such as Bipolar, post-partum depression (about 1 in every 1,000 mothers, within a few weeks after giving birth), suddenly after a major stress, when using or withdrawing from drugs….

People in the grip of psychotic disorders experience themselves & the world very differently from psychopaths & sociopaths, who are usually very grounded in reality, understand what they’re doing & the consequences of their actions, but just don’t care.
EXP: A psychopath or a sociopath might kill someone’s dog because he/she wants to cause emotional trauma to the owner
• A psychotic might kill the dog because he/she thought it was robot sent to take over the world

While it’s not so easy for a person with a psychotic disorder to recognizing their own symptoms, they are acutely aware of experiencing pain & fear, which may cause the person to hurt themselves or others. This mental illness affects 3 out of every 100 people (1% of the population), can be a one-time ‘break’, episodic or long-term, most likely diagnosed in young adults.
Main symptoms:

Disordered thinking
• Delusions – fixed beliefs & ideas that are usually false, including religious or persecutory delusion, or a false belief of superiority.  EXP: convinced someone’s plotting against them, that the TV is sending secret messages, seeing a ‘spiritual’ entity, being watched by the police because of the way cars are parked outside the house…..

• Thoughts are confused, blurred or difficult to express, can seem to speed up or slow down, or belief that thoughts aren’t their own. There’s difficulty concentrating, following a conversation, memory loss or amnesia
• Speech  will often be jumbled or slurred, rapid & frenzied

• Suspiciousness – being worried or even scared of everyone they know, including family & friends. They feel uneasy without knowing why
• Superstition – believing in the unreal, includes: confusion about dreams, thinking that others can read your mind, frequently experiencing déjà vu, thinking that small events have a meaningful connection between them, & often coming up with far-fetched theories about why things happen

Disordered behavior
 • Social impairment – isolated, trouble with social situations, not conforming to behavioral standards or responding correctly to social cues
• Reactions can be infantile, prone to insults & swearing. They can forget self-care, such personal hygiene & housework, be disoriented,
• Physical – disorganized or compulsive behavior, repetitive movements, self-harm, slowness in activity, or lack of restraint

Exaggerated /unreal experiences
• Hallucinations – false perceptions, affecting the 5 senses, experienced more intensely that is realistic/true, or hearing, seeing, feeling something that’s not there) which can cause fear & paranoia
EXP: Interpreting everyday sounds as having new or special meaning, hearing something louder than actual, shadows are seen as human figures…..

• Hypochondria – the irrational/exaggerated fear of having or getting a disease or illness, causing health-related anxiety, & will constantly looking for symptoms & for things that might affect their health.

Mood changes
 • Emotions – A general discontent, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, tendency to be irritable & aggressive, or lack of normal emotional responses. It includes anger, anxiety, apathy, feeling detached from self, & inappropriate emotional responses such as being easily agitated when talked to

• Shifts in mood can occur often, throughout the day, in 2 phases: a manic period (high), feeling happy & energized. It’s followed by low mood, feeling sad & dull, with loss of appetite or difficulty sleeping. Psychotics tend to be irritable & aggressive, & may be easily agitated when talked to.

NEXT:

ACoAs – Dealing with Disputes (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-care ,

ARE THE DIFFERENCES
between us too great?

PREVIOUS: Disputes #1
⬅”BAYOU HUNTERS” by DMT

SITE: Resolving Neighbor Disputes

10 Ways to Handle Disagreements Effectively

2. UNHEALTHY (Part 1)

3. HEALTHY Responding
✥ On the other hand if you & one other, or you & a group – who are in a specific disagreement – are willing to work things out, everyone must be able to communicate their side reasonably, using their Adult ego state. Strong emotions will always be part of those situations, especially from everyone’s WIC (most people have one), but must not be the driving force

Then there is usually a way to resolve the dispute without losing oneself or losing face. It includes the ability to identify the current issue causing the friction, for EACH side to admit if they were wrong (the 10th Step), to apologize for any ‘bad’ behavior & to explain what was really bothering them in the first place. Only then can you begin to rationally negotiate a limited compromise or figure out what’s beneficial to both sides.

Naturally, for this to happen, the person or group we’d be dealing with would have to have enough mental health so they can participate in this type of solution. One-sided efforts never work – where we are the only one always trying to be respectful & logical, or just giving in. (MORE….)

AN ASIDE: We’re familiar with the people who absolutely refuse to bend even a little on any point in dispute – the “Right-ists“.
⁉ More confusing: When both parties do own their part in the dissension (a P-A put-down, angry comment, a snubs, gossip….), identify where they’re coming from & apologize, BUT then realize they really do not want to continue their association. Both parties can be satisfied they’ve cleaned up their side of the street, but the difficulty highlighted an incompatibility already present.

RECOVERY Awareness
For things to work out well – as much as possible, we need at least some awareness of each of the following points:

1. What are normal human needs / rights?
Coming from abusive & neglecting families, most ACoAs concluded that we don’t have any rights, & that we wouldn’t deserve them is we could imagine any! However, these are characteristics (in all 4 PMES categories) common to all human & also apply to us, absolutely

2. What is Mental Health vs. what are ACoA / narcissistic / dysfunctional patterns ? For the latter, we can review the posts: ACoA Laundry List  // Are you an ACoA , & for the former:  Character Traits & contrasts // Emotional Maturity…. as well as many books & websites.

3. What are my specific needs, wants, & BUTTONS?
This takes time & work – to identify needs, wants, dreams…. specific to us.
It includes doing family & personal inventories, & getting thoroughly acquainted with both our healthy & wounded Inner Children.
EXP of buttons:
🚺 Being accused wrongly / having to wait – for anything / not being understood / stupidity….

CHART: “Choosing relationship priorities… ” 


4. Is what’s bothering me – a recurring pattern of behavior?
• New or brief acquaintances: If we thoroughly understand some dysfunctional way of thinking &/or acting and we’ve learned to trust our instincts, we can easily & quickly identify it in someone when we see it, even if we’ve just met or only known them a short time.
🎼 In case you doubt your ability to do this, CONSIDER: If you know a song very well, someone only needs to hum a few bars – for you to recognize it!

• Longer-term acquaintances: Being around someone for a some prolonged  time allows us to observe their characteristic ways of thinking, gesturing, behaving, talking…..
The problem is not in our ability to ‘see’, but rather our childhood training to be in denial, & a current unwillingness to acknowledge anything we think is too painful to accept.
EXP: If they — often or always over-react, treat us unfairly, are verbally & emotionally disrespectful, always late, often cancel…..–  it’s important to:
a. see these behaviors as the damage & abuse it is, and
b. not ignore what we see & feel, by pretending it’s not happening

NEXT: Dispute #3

ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 1b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , , ,

lots of ideasPREVIOUS: Getting needs met (1a)

SITE: “Understanding Self-Sabotage”

 


1. GOALS (cont.)
ACoAs
Needs – review ACoAs Manipulating Self & Others – #1
In order for us to get our needs met we must first identify what those are, have internal permission to pursue them, & then search out & use as many resources as are available to us to take care of ourselves. We can not wait for or depend on others to meet our needs – others are only supposed to be support & company on our life’s journey – not substitute parents!

While we may not always know what we want to do “when we grow up”, taking any positive action can get our engine started – especially if the activities are things we have been interested in since childhood but never pursued. Taking a class or joining a ‘topics’ group (such as in MeetUp) may lead us to new ideas, possibilities & friends or mentors. Setting goals is a fundamental part of getting our needs met, first the cognitive component (idea), managing our anxiety (emotions), & then taking the necessary actions. (T.E.A.)

Most ACoAs either :no needs for WIC
— have great difficulty making decisions – we aren’t allowed to know or admit what we really need & want, can’t afford to risk making a mistake lest we get punished, & we want to avoid being disappointed yet again
— OR make them impulsively, without considering the results – the possible consequences to ourselves or others – also based on childhood brain-washing.

• So many of our childhood needs were not met – correctly – which left us with the clear message that we’re not supposed to want or need anything for ourselves! Even if we did get some Physical ones (roof, food, clothes, schooling….) – which was a plus & allowed us to survive – the good things were undermined by all the neglect & abuse in the other PMES categories, especially Emotional. And for many of us even the P category was contaminated by beatings, incest, lack of basic provisions….

• This damaging background has created a great dilemma for us, a double bind that keeps many of us stuck:
a. we’re not allowed to have needs, especially emotional ones, BUT
b. we still have them ALL – can’t get rid of them no matter how hard we try to ignore & suppress them!
EXP: As mentioned in another post, a newcomer to Al-Anon figured out in a 4th-Step meeting that her belief was: “My biggest character defect is my need for love!” WHY? because she grew up feeling unloved, yet still desperately longed for it. Wasn’t it foolish to want something she was sure she had no right to & would never get?  (See “Unrealistic Expectations”)

what goals?• To have deliberate, conscious goals is not easy for many ACoAs – even for those of us who’ve achieved some success in career, yet subtly recreate the family patterns in both work & personal life.

Our experience in childhood was of endless ‘sameness’ – the same drinking, the same unfairness, the same neglect, the same loneliness, the same terror…..
Ironically, most ACoAs are best at what we like to do the least!

As Adults we’re still trapped in the hopelessness of ever being able to reach our TRUE goals, whatever they may be. For many of us, the idea of possibilities was not part of the mental vocabulary in our family:
— we didn’t have the option of using our imagination for ourselves, except maybe as a way to escape the pain we were constantly in, AND
— we used our creativity to figure out ways to keep our parents, siblings, mates, children… from total self-destruction

This makes it imperative to remember “I know what I know”, since we have our own native wisdom! The Healthy Child has always known a great many things which never got acknowledged or have been too painful to remember. So now the Good Parent can listen to our still small voice, & help redirect the decision process to get the best results. See RIGHTS & Self-esteem

Robert Sharma’s 5 Steps for Goal Setting
1. Celebrate: write down – in detail – things you’ve done in the past year you can appreciate yourself for. What are your big as well as small achievements?

2. Education // 3. Clarification  // 4. Graduation // 5. Visualization

NEXT: Goals to meet needs  (1c)

ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 1a)

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GOALSPREVIOUS:
ACoAs Manipulating #3b


SITE: LIST of Personal Needs

SEE ACRONYM page for abbrev.


PROCESS includes 3 PARTS (Goals, Implementation, People)
1. GOALS
Psychologist tell us that people who make consistent progress toward meaningful goals live happier, more satisfied lives than those who don’t.

NOTE: In terms of T.E.A., this topic focuses on the A, since just thinking about what we want is not enough – but it is the starting point.  THEN we have to act on our own behalf.

PURPOSE: Goal-setting is absolutely necessary & appropriate in order for us to be healthy & happy – when grounded in our Rights as human beings AND our own personal interests. They are a normal part of Adult thinking, providing long-term vision and short-term motivation.
Clearly defined goals:bulls eye- goal
• help to organize our time & resources
• let us know what additional info we need to get
• allow us to see progress as we go along, even if it it’s hard work & takes a long time to ‘arrive’
• help us measure & take pride in successful outcomes, which raises our self-confidence

Before taking an action, especially when the outcome is important to us, the first question we need to be clear about is: “What is my surface goal? then – what’s under that? & then under everything, what’s my deepest – perhaps unconscious – desire/wish/hope in this situation?”
➼ Every action we take – or inaction – is driven by a goal – to find food, to not get fired, to buy something we want or need, to hang on to a relationship, to avoid pain, to please an authority, to learn something new, to entertain ourselves, to express creativity, to be accepted, protect loved ones……
➼ and all goals are based on some need, normal human needs such as acceptance, attention, achievement, comfort, connection, knowledge, love, safety, shelter, validation….. needs in all 4 PMES categories.

➼ Each action aimed at reaching a goal: mental health goals
• is a decision, often unconscious (see 3 Posts)↘︎
• which is based on our individual idea about how to achieve that (procedure) ⇓
• which in turn is formed by our most basic beliefs / rules about ourselves & how things function in the world.

EXP: Goal – To cross the street
Beliefs / rules – I can get to the other side safely, don’t run into the traffic or you can get hurt or killed, jay-walking will get you a ticket (in some places), if you’re with someone else make sure they’re safe too, always look both ways ….
Procedure – Stop at the corner, wait until the light is green, then go

• Healthy goals & healthy ways of achieving them are based on knowing who we are & what our Human Rights are.
Recovery EXP: 15 minutes before an evening lecture in a big auditorium a janitor is buffing the front vestibule floor, with the door wide open – so the noise is quite disruptive to the waiting audience. Bev goes out to ask the man to close the door. He completely ignores her, even though she stands there briefly to make sure he’s heard her. Nothing. She goes back to her seat. A minute later a man from the audience does the same – & the janitor closes the door!

noiseQs: ACoAs – If you were Bev:
— How would you be feeling – anger, resentment, S-H, shame…. ? and,
— What would you be thinking? “That x@*, how dare he ignore me?…. / I should have been more forceful / I shouldn’t have bothered him / he’s a chauvinist pig….”
— Would your goal have been to get the noise down PLUS be validated, respected, honored – as a female, by a hostile male?

• What was Bev’s goal? ONLY to dampen the noise. She was willing to make the effort, which was appropriate, but how it got done didn’t matter to her!
When we have a True Self, with enough validation & support in our life from ourselves & from legitimate sources, we don’t try to get it (or demand it) from people who can’t or won’t give it!

NEXT: Getting needs met (1b)

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 3c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , , ,

in your head PREVIOUS: Manipulation #3b

SITE: 8 Ways to spot Manipulators

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Manipulative TACTICS (cont.)
Foot-in-Door
Start by asking someone for a small favor they don’t mind doing, then foot in doorwhen they’re in the middle of it, add on other things or ask for the big thing you really wanted – making it hard for them to say no

Guilting
Telling a conscientious victim they don’t care enough, are too selfish or have it easy, to keep them in a self-doubting, anxious, submissive position. OR make someone feel bad that you don’t have qualities, people or things the way they do (you’re jealous /envious), so they’ll feel sorry & volunteer to help you

Judgmental – the (T) form of T.E.A.
— all the time about everything, which is narcissistic
— occasionally, when old abandonment terror is triggered by a person or situation, but you don’t recognize it’s a reminder of childhood neglect & abuse

Mirroring (negative)
Physically &/or verbally copying someone you want to influence, by using their same body language, intonation pattern, language, preferences… making them feel ‘seen’ – so then they’ll copy you (symbiosis)

Over-promising
Saying yes to anything asked of you even when you’re not interested or it doesn’t suit you, & you don’t have time anyway – just so you’ll be liked. You over-book & then forget or cancel at the last-minute

One up-One Down
a. Feel superior – morally better with more value as a person, rather than being better at certain things (not just having a higher IQ), in order one upto keep everyone away, & not acknowledge your need for connection, help, comfort….

b. Feel inferior, believing you’re worse than everyone else (weaker, dumber, less capable….)
— to stave off assumed inevitable abandonment, disappointment AND
— obeying Toxic Rules “I am unlovable” / “I’m too much trouble” / “Don’t have needs”….
— living in deprivation, trying to get others to meet your needs

c. Fake humility – hiding the compulsion to dominate – by being the servant, helper, assistant, perhaps to serve a ‘higher cause’…. while controlling things from the wings

People-Pleasing / Perfectionism
Constantly trying to be or do whatever others want, or what you think they need/want, going above & beyond what’s called for or expected. Make yourself indispensable so they’ll approve of you & never ‘go way‘

Victim
Put a burden on others to be the ‘good parents’ you never had, BY:
• dismissing your own ‘voice’ & not taking up enough spacevictim
• going along, suffering in silence – but others can feel it
• give up what you want to avoid conflict, but are quietly resentful
• don’t ask questions, but always trying to explain or defend yourself
• talk in indirect or convoluted ways, instead of declarative statements
• withholding, as a form of silent disapproval
• believing you have nothing worthwhile to contribute……

COMBINED Manipulation of Self & Others
Taking on the Scapegoat Role as a child (NOT the same as being scapegoated by the family). It’s the child’s attempt to spare the obvious narcissist / addict their pain, by taking it on & acting it out for them – assuming this will alleviate the heaviness it can feel in others.
It’s a way the child denies admitting that the abandoning adults are as sick as they are & not willing to change

This manipulative tactic (usually unconscious) continues into adulthood – the ACoAs continuing to sacrifice their own needs, good name & protect familystanding in life – if it will make others ‘feel better’ by avoiding responsibility for their own damage

On one level this Role is genuinely taken on in the name of love, but at a deeper level it’s about the fear of losing connection, the ultimate childhood terror.
Unfortunately, the sacrifice is never successful or unappreciated, only being disrespected & dismissed. So when the Scapegoat is treated badly or ignored, this ACoA gets very angry at anyone they’ve been trying to ‘save’.

Adult Scapegoats only focus on being rejected or & invisible, left outfeeling unloved, excluded, attacked – BUT not seeing that they —
— allow themselves to be used & toyed with by unscrupulous types
— experience real or imagined slights as a direct rejection, as if others are focus on them, or hell-bent on hurting them
— perpetuate childhood environment of fear, loneliness & abandonment BY not having a strong core identity based on self-esteem & self-respect.

NEXT: Manipulation #4a

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , ,

juggling peoplePREVIOUS: Manipulation #3a

SITEs:☀︎ 20 Subtle Signs of Workplace Bullying
☀︎ “Workplace Danger – Manipulative People”

BOOK: 30 COVERT ways of M. ~ Adelyn Birch

 

FORMS of Manipulation (cont.)
1. Direct / Overt (Part 3a)

2. Indirect / Covert
A more subtle form, tactics (Evasion, Diversion, Blame….) are effective because they carefully hide aggressive & exploitative intentions, while putting the other person unconsciously on the defensive.
— Sometimes all it takes is a particular facial expression, non-verbal gesture, glance, glare, stare, or shrug
— Sometimes the manipulator will send a carefully veiled “Now there’ll be some hell to pay!” message without making any kind of direct threat

ACoAs
As stated in Part 1, M is an attempt at getting our needs met, but only indirectly, because we’re not allowed to HAVE them (shame is what we feel about each need never provided by our family). Back then, trying to get anything we needed always ended in being made fun of, punished or completely ignored.
BUT since needs are NORMAL & therefore don’t go away, we look for alternative ways of meeting them, while still obeying the toxic rules – putting ourselves in a double bind.

Manipulative TACTICS
Avoid Asking
Expecting others to guess what you need & then provide it. When they don’t – not being mind-readers – you feel very angry, get depressed & assume the ‘universe’ doesn’t want you to have the needs

Bribery
First you reward someone by identifying what they want/need & give it to them, acting like a ‘genuinely’ nice person. Then later pleasantly suggest you’d like something in return. They’ll usually feel compelled to return the favor

Bugging / Pushypushy
At the other extreme, always nagging to get what you want, repeating the question, requesting or demanding, insisting…. to wear others down until they finally give in. Can’t tolerate NO as an answer, & constantly over-step boundaries

Charm / Good Looks
Use your best assets to encourage people to favor you over others (work, dating, purchasing…) by being positive, cheerful, self-confident, well-groomed, with approachable body language – to make them feel special for having your full attention

Conditional Approval & ‘love’
You’re kind, pleasant, helpful – but only if they’re just like you. Want what they can do for you, let you control them…. But get angry or withholding if they disagree, set limits on you, stand up for themselves, won’t go along with your agenda….

Dishonest watching & listening
Pay close attention to what people tell you about themselves & their body language, figuring out their psychological/emotional makeup, in order to identify weakness or strength you can exploit

Distorting Facts
Manipulate info & reality by making it seem better than it is. OR leave out crucial info in an explanation, use info against the person, overwhelm with facts & statistic, lie, make excuses, exaggerate, act like you know everything…. to avoid responsibility & feel more powerful

double-BDouble-Binding
Keep someone who wants to please you in bondage (paralyzed) by subtly giving opposing messages they must obey or accept without question, to keep them confused & off balance (EXP: smile while insulting)

Exploiting
Use other people’s time, energy, money, talents – only for your benefit – by convincing them it’s for a good cause, will make them feel good, will provide ‘spiritual benefits/rewards…. or by promising some big reward while ignoring their rights & interests

Fake Emotions
Use contrived emotions to get what you want & have the upper hand, by acting angry to scare someone, solicitous to soften them, caring to keep their attention, weak & needy to get taken care of, insulted to create guilt…..fear & relief

Fear-&-Relief
To get someone to do what you want but is resisting, you artificially create sudden mood swings, by first working on their fear (disapproval, threats to leave, withhold money….). When when they’re weakened & disarmed, ready to give in – you stop the pressure, tell them it’s OK…. which makes them so relieved they’ll do whatever you want

Flattering / Kissing up
Making others feel good by complementing them, acting totally interested in their lives…. so they’ll want to please you. It makes it hard for them to say NO, even against their better judgement, so you won’t be disappointed or think badly of them

NEXT: Manipulation #3c

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 1)

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asking QsIT NEVER DAWNS ON ME
to ask about the other person

PREVIOUS: Reverse Laundry List

 

PROBLEM
Another indicator of ACoA damage is the fear of asking questions or worse – not even realizing it is necessary, appropriate, even imperative.
At the core of this issue is the unconscious but ingrained perspective that we should not hold other people responsible for their words & actions. As emotionally immature adults, we are still going on the assumption that everything is our fault (narcissistic S-H), & therefore it’s all up to us to correct misunderstandings & fix whatever is causing us pain (narcissistic grandiosity).

In CHILDHOOD
Most ACoAs stopped asking Qs because of the messages & reactions we got from our dysfunctional family as well as from outside sources such as school & religious institutions. “Children should be seen & not heard”. They :
• didn’t want their authority questioned
• didn’t want their bad behavior pointed out or abuse objected to
• didn’t want their hypocrisy & neglect uncovered….not allowed to ask
AND they —
• couldn’t be bothered to listen or explain things
• didn’t have the patience to show us what they knew how to do
• made it sound like we’re dumb for not knowing things they knew
• told us we were disrespectful for questioning their authority
• punished us with a smack or with guilt for wanting to know what’s going on around us • made fun of us for exploring & being curious ……

NOTE: Curious & clever children may seem to be ‘challenging’ the adults “WHY … WHY…” But if we got a bad reaction (“you’re arrogant, you’re being difficult, you’re disrespectful”) it’s almost always because the person did NOT know the answer & was ashamed to admit it

No matter what Toxic family Role were fell in to as kids (Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot), ultimately we were on our own, because our wounded parents we unable to connect with us in healthy loving ways. We got the message that we were a burden to them – or worse – hated (“You’ll be the death of me yet!”). We understood that if we were to figure things out it would have to be from other sources, like school & our peers, but mainly by just watching other people & events. Quietly, secretly observing the world around us helped, but it didn’t encourage asking questions.

As ADULTS
Our early trauma, distorted mirroring & lack of good role models has left holes in our ability to think of what to say. This is because of missing information, rather thanbeing mute stupidity. It literally means not having the vocabulary for legitimate questioning – what words to use, what point of view we need to come from, or what to expect.
BUT this can be learned from books such as “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”, & from others who have already know how.

Many of us believe that any form of Qs is impertinent, boundary invasive, & just plain rude – which is not true when Qs come from our Adult ES.
And when someone says or does something unkind, inappropriate, narcissistic or flat-out mean – we justify, over-explain, excuse ourselves (Sorry, Sorry), instead of lobbing the ball back at the other person by saying something like:“What did you mean? // Why did you say it that way? // Is that what you would do – want?… (See “Useful Responses”).

ACoAs were not allowed to defend, protect or stand up for ourselves, to not have the right to object to abuse, & to never know what our true needs are. So we continue to live in a quasi-world of not really belonging, not having rights, not being heard, not having access to our personal power, & most of all – never truly feeling safe.  Others of us will bite back when we feel neglected, dismissed or accused, a version of the PP &/or WIC trying to protect ourselves, but this is simply ineffective & can serve to escalate a bad situation.

NEXT: ACoAs & Asking Qs – Part 2

ORIGINAL Laundry List + Healthy Version

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, self-help

bad family IT’S GOOD TO HAVE CLARITY
about the source of our damage

PREVIOUS:


SITE:  Psychological Characteristics of ACoAs – article

NOTE: Part 1 & 2 Reprinted from the ACoA World Service Org.
— The Laundry List serves as the basis for ‘The Problem’ statement – the intro read at every ACA meeting

BASIC LAUNDRY LIST – acting out the Wounded Child
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.broken heart
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14.Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978

OPPOSITE of the LAUNDRY LIST – healthy version
1. We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority figures.
2. We do not depend on others to tell us who we are.
3. We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
4. We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.
5. We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships.

6. We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.
7. We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.repaied heart
8. We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant upset.
9. We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love.

10. We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
11. We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth.
12. We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
13.The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed.
14.We are actors, not reactors.

NEXT: REVERSE L.L. (Part 2)

OUR SENSES & LEARNING – Vision (#2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem

visual learningI GET MOST OF MY INFO
through my eyes

PREVIOUS: Sensory Learning #3

SITE: MANY links re learning
• “5 things to know about how the brain learns”

QUOTE: “To develop a complete mind, study the science of art and the art of science. Learn to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.“ ~ Leonardo DaVinci

VISUAL Learning Style
According to Dr. David Sousa, 45% or more student in most American classrooms prefer to receive information visually. This includes pictures, video tapes & charts, as well as reading, because the interpretation of symbols translate into mental pictures (“How the Brain Learns”)

Our brains give preference to processing vision, compared to our other senses.
EXP: Imagine being in an open field. How far can you see? About 50 miles. How far can you hear? Maybe a mile or two. How about smell? 10-20 yards, assuming that the wind is not blowing. How about touch? Just an arm’s length. Taste? A couple of inches.

The Visual Cortex, in the Occipital Lobes, is the largest system in the human brain, responsible for higher-level processing or visual images. It’s at the back of the brain, above the cerebellum. It interprets info from visible light to build model of the world around the body. As the eyes gather information, the brain interprets & makes sense of what we take in. Both occipital & parietal lobes manage spatial orientation.

The eyes & the Visual Cortex form a massive parallel processor that provides the highest band-width channel into human cognitive centers. At the higher level of processing, perception & cognition are closely interrelated, which is the reason why the words “understanding & seeing’ are synonymous.” ~ Colin Ware (slide 17) attention span

The average human attention span is 8 seconds, & our brain processes visual images 60,000 times faster than a text, in roughly 1/10 of a second.

Hubel and Weisel showed that the primary visual cortex consists of cells responsive to both the simple & the complex features of whatever we’re seeing. Interestingly, most of these cells have a preference for one edges of an angle over another, called ‘orientation preference’, & to inputs from one eye over the other, called ‘ocular dominance’.
These 2 patterns (preference & dominance) are not fixed genetically, but develop from visual experience, mostly soon after birth.

80-90% of children use their eyes to learn about their world. They’re used to gathering information nearby (what can be touched) & at a distance (beyond arm’s reach). Visual stimulation helps to shape children’s minds in powerful ways.eye preference & dominance

Science tells us the neurons that handle visual processing make up about 30% of the brain’s cortex – more than double that of hearing & touch combined. Via this method we store both negative & positive impressions in the brain (images of AK-47s & beautiful waterfalls), at conscious & subconscious levels. All imprints have a deep & lasting effect on the way we learn & think.

Most of our activities involve ‘seeing’, so the importance of this sense can easily be taken for granted, yet sight is crucial to learning. Visual learners take what is spoken or heard & make it into something they can see in their mind’s eye. They get the most out of visual aids, & put a lot of effort into observing / listening so they can turn info into notes, charts, graphs, pictures….

Re. INTUITION (Clear Seeing) Being able to visualize possible scenarios in the mind’s eye, as if recalling a memory or imagining an actual picture.

SOME general VISUAL Characteristics
KEEP IN MIND that whichever style is your preference you’re not going to identify with every single characteristic listed. That will depend on other factors, such as mixing in other learning styles with your primary one, your educational background and your native personality.visual Lern - charact
NEXT: Auditory Learners (Part 4b)

OUR SENSES &LEARNING – Intro #1c

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , ,

sense learning %



PREVIOUS: Sensory Learning (Part 2)



SITE: Sight, Scent & Sound: The Role of Senses in Retail Marketing

QUOTE: “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

OLD CHINESE PROVERB: “When I hear, I forget. When I see, I remember. When I do, I understand.”

🌺      🕺🏼     🧤     🕶    👂🏾
MAIN SENSORY INPUTS
We express ourselves internally & externally from VAKOG forms of gathering knowledge & understanding:
1. Visual = SEEING 🌀 2. Auditory = HEARING
3a/b. Kinesthetic/Tactile = SENSING/TOUCHING
4. Olfactory = SMELLING 🌀 5. Gustatory = TASTING

Only the first 3 are widely used as major input channels for collecting data about our surroundings. 1, 2, 4 & 5 are obvious. #3a refers to whole body experiences involving sensations, emotions & motion itself. #b refers to learning by touch – such as the blind reading in Braille.

Summary of stimulus-to-response pathwayssensory process

 

OTHER sensory sources (equally important sources of internal/external info) : senses circle
1. Chemo-receptors:  These trigger an area of the medulla which detect blood-born hormones & drugs. Also involved in the vomiting reflex

2. Equilibrio-ception: This helps to keep our balance & a sense of physical movements, such as acceleration, directional changes, & a sense of gravity.
It’s the Vestibular Labyrinthine system. located in the inner ear. When malfunctioning, we can’t tell up from down, so moving from place to place without help is nearly impossible

3. Hunger: This system allows the body to detect when we need to eat
4. Itch:  A distinct sensor system, part of other touch-related senses

5. Magneto-ception: This gives us the ability to detect magnetic fields, providing a sense of direction, based on Earth’s magnetic field. It’s not strong (like in birds), but experiments show that we do have some

The mechanism is not clear, but may have to do with deposits of ferric iron in our nose. It could be, since humans given magnetic implants have a much stronger magneto-ception than those without (MORE…. )

6. Noci-ception:  i.e Pain – once thought to simply come from overloading other senses such as Touch. Actually, it is its own unique sensory system.  with 3 types of pain receptors: cutaneous (skin), somatic (bones and joints) & visceral (body organs)
7. Pressure: Identifying shapes, softness, textures, vibrations….

8. Proprio-ception: Gives the ability to tell where our body parts are, relative to each other. Police test this when checking for a potential DUI driving drunk, by asking: “Close your eyes & touch your nose”.
This sense is used regularly in small ways, such as scratching an itch without having to see where the hand needs to goear structure

9. Sound: Detecting vibrations along some medium in contact with the ear drum, such as air or water
10. Stretch Receptors: These are found in the lungs, bladder, stomach & the gastro-intestinal tract. One type, which senses dilation of blood vessels, is often involved in headaches
11. Tension Sensors: These are found in places like muscles, allowing the brain to monitor muscle tension
12. Thirst: This system allows the body to monitor its hydration level so the body knows when we need to drink

13. Thermo-ception: a specific brain system, plus a combo of senses, for monitoring internal body temperature. This includes the ability to notice heat & cold, using the 2 hot/cold receptors

14. Time:  This one is debated, since no single mechanism has been found that allows people to perceive time. However, experiments have definitely show that humans have a startlingly accurate sense of time, particularly when younger.

This seems to come from some combination of the cerebral cortex, cerebellum & basal ganglia.
— Long-term time-keeping seems to be monitored by the supra-chiasmatic nuclei, responsible for the circadian rhythm
— Short term time-keeping is handled by other cell systems

15. Touch: Rather than located in one or more specific areas, this sense is our whole body – made up of a very fine network of receptors in our skin, forming our largest sensory system. (More….)

HIDDEN Senses automatically, unconsciously help to:
• control bodily functions, such as temperature & bladder fullness
• control timing & movement of food through the body (digestion)
• measure the amount of sugar & salt in the blood
• regulate the amount of oxygen that’s taken in, for breathing…..synesthesia

SYNESTHESIA – when 2 or more senses combine / overlap, such as seeing numbers in color, tasting words….
It’s hereditary, estimated to occurs in 1 out of 1000 individuals, in various forms & intensity.
(MORE…) // (Science of Synesthesia chart)

NEXT: Visual Learning (Part 2a)