Self-esteem

Meyers-Briggs INTRO (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

 

 

PREVIOUS: MBTI Basics #2a

SITE: How Each Myers-Briggs Type Reacts to Stress (and How to Help!)

OVERVIEW of MBTI dichotomies (cont.)

The 2 ‘INNER’  (S-iN & T-F)
2. SENSING (S) vs INTUITION (iN) = The kind of INFORMATION we prefer to gather & trust, can be either Introverted or Extroverted (Si or Se / iNi or iNe) , & each is part of the Judging style.  We use both, but to different degrees of effectiveness & with different levels of comfort. 

• Sensing (S) / Concrete
To be mainly Sensate means that a person primarily believes in the kind of information he/she receives directly from the external world.

These people absorb info thru the 5 senses. They’re detail oriented (micro) types, who prefer to focus on facts & concrete data, wanting to see the hard numbers.
They keep track of available material & resources, appreciate knowing the “HOW” of something, & then do what works. They love to observe, are good at remembering specifics, & understand things piecemeal, working through concepts from the bottom up.

Sensors LOOK for:  how much, how many, how often, what kind….
EXP: When we – taste food / notice a stoplight has changed / memorize a speech / follow steps in a plan / use a map / look up info on Google….

— 🍀 —

• Intuition (N) /Abstract
To be mainly Intuitive means that a person mainly believes in the kind of information he/she receives from the internal or private world.

These people are highly imaginative, focusing on patterns & the meaning of data. They take in info from impressions, insights & patterns. They start with the big-picture (macro), extrapolating abstract possibilities from a wide variety of ‘real’ sources, understanding concepts using a top-down approach, & data as it relates to other data. They have a grasp on trends, interested in what hasn’t been tried before.

Intuiters ASK: “….for example?,  Tell me more, what else should i know?, Why do you say that? “— and then echo what was said

EXP: When we – find a new way of doing something / think about future implications for a current action / ‘get’ the underlying meaning in what people say or do / see the big picture….

NOTE: Of the 4 dichotomies, at their extremes these 2 opposites cause the most emotional difficulty in any relationship. Such people tend to be highly frustrated by & may even feel disdain for each other’s style. It can be particularly painful for a sensitive child -strongly NF- to be raised by a mother who is strongly ST.

— Ns use the same concrete / real-world experiences to ‘see’ things as Ss do, but much of it is subliminal, so they can’t always put into words how they reached conclusions – they just know.
— To the S this is hocus-pocus, since they don’t trust anything they can’t identify by their own experience or from empirical research & which can be clearly, logically verbalized.

🔑 🔑 🔑

3. THINKING (T) vs FEELING (F) = Preferred way of coming to DECISIONS, can be either Introverted or Extroverted (Ti or Te / Fi or Fe) , & each is part of the Perceiving style
We all use both forms, but put more trust in one, some decisions being made entirely from the T or the F side.

What makes some Decisions very difficult is when there’s an intense conflict between head & heart (T & F), in which case our dominant preference will win.

Easier decisions, the ones that feel good, are usually the result of our T & F sides being ‘on the same page’ (in agreement).

• Thinking (T) – These are the analytical/ logic types – but does not indicate how smart one is.  They tend to make decisions in a rational, impartial way, based on what they believe to be correct, using pre-defined logical axioms & rules of behavior, as well as Fairness (everyone treated equally).

T-types assess & analyze whether the info received makes sense & whether or not something works – such as the concept of gravity . Then decisions come from using cause/effect, if/then, true/false choices to reach validity.

EXP: When we – research a product via Consumer Reports, buy the best one to meet our needs, whether or not we like it, do the ‘Right Thing’, form guidelines to follow for performing tasks ….   (Re. HATS ➡️ )

— 💛 —
• Feeling (F) – The importance of info is determine holistically, & perceptions are evaluated based on a sense of harmony, to maintain peace. It’s about making value judgements – whether things are good or bad.
EXP:  ‘Feels’ that stealing is right/wrong

NOTE: This MBTI category is not about emotion, but rather a reasoning process handled in the higher brain (cortex). Contrast this with the lower brain’s limbic system which responds physically to stimuli we (call) experience as emotion.

‘Feelers’ are more empathic (picking up on others’ emotions), make subjective decisions on a case-by-case basis, & use feelings they believe to be right rooted in their own values. Here ‘Fairness’ means that everyone is treated equally as individuals.

EXP: When we – buy something because we like it / don’t say something that ‘ll upset another person / decide not to take a job because we don’t like the work environment / decide to move somewhere new to be close to someone we care about….

NOTE:  The Thinking – Feeling level is the only one that generates a gender bias.
The Thinking Woman swims against the current in most areas of her life, especially at work. If she’s decisive & objective, she’s branded hard, cold, unfeminine……
The Feeling Male is also disrespected – called soft, weak, a pushover …… for having a caring nature.

NEXT: MBTI Basics #3

Meyers-Briggs INTRO (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, Self-esteem

PREVIOUS: MBTI Basics #1

SITEs: Each TYPE’s Striving Style 
• What makes an extrovert?

NOTE: Each dichotomy is on a continuum, from most….<— to —>most…..

OVERVIEW
The 2 ‘OUTER’  (E-I & J-P)
1. EXTROVERSION (Ext) vs INTROVERSION (Int) = Where we prefer to focus our ATTENTION, or get our energy
• Extroverts focus on what’s happening in the real world around them – always in the present moment. Outward-oriented, Es get their mental energy by being around other people & in social situations. They think out loud & so can be quite talkative.

Strongly Extroverted people will gravitate to big events such as rock concerts, have season tickets to sporting events, go to big parties, conferences, loud family gatherings…. energized by conversations, excitement, noise, activities…… After a big events, they’ll look for the stimulation to continue, going on to another location &/or hanging out with friends

EXP: Extroverts will get into a lively discussion or debate / pay attention to what everyone is saying / make a meal for a party / participate in a rally / play a group game / join a study group / lead a class …..
— 💋 —
• Introverts focus on what’s going on inside their mind, which can involve the past, present and future events. They’re usually more private, contained & a lot quieter than Es, but internally very ‘busy’. They get their mental energy from being alone, needing alone-time to recharge, preferring to work through ideas by thinking about them first, before expressing them out loud. Large groups of any kind are draining.

Introverts still need & like people, but want their interactions to be a lot less noisy, less crowded & less chaotic. They can also be found at big events, along with the Es, but after all of that external input they can’t wait to get away & recharge in a quiet environment. If possible, they’ll leave early. And unless they really love it –  or if work requires it or family insists – they’re not likely to repeat the experience.

Instead they do very well with 1 or 2 close friends – or small groups – because they are neuro-chemicals more sensitive. (See Posts ‘MBTI & the Brain’). This characteristic even shows up in shopping – for an I to be in a store or mall with too many options to choose from  – like ‘Bed, Bath & Beyond’ – can feel just as confusing & overwhelming as being in a boisterous crowd (“Pick me, no pick me., no me…”) !!

EXP:  Introvert can get caught up in a good book / think about what they’re going to say or do / are aware of how they feel / daydream or imagine / think through a problem to understand it / review & process an interaction they’ve just had ….

4. JUDGING (J) vs PERCEIVING (P) = Preferred way of DEALING WITH the world around us, & can be either Introverted or Extroverted

• Judging (J) – These people prefer to have control & make plans, are methodical, scheduled & tend to be highly organized. They are neat, orderly, stable, & like to make extensive use of lists & calendars. They want things to be settled – so they plan & get things done way ahead of time.

EXP: When we – form & express judgments / bring closure to an issue so that we can move on / pick out places to go ahead of time by doing research / concentrate on reaching goals & ‘doing’ our lists…..
— 👠 —
• Perceiving (P) – These people prefer to let things play out by themselves. They’re usually spontaneous & flexible, having a more open-ended approach to plans, deciding their next move in the moment, & tend to get things done at the last minute.

EXP: When we – postpone decisions to see what other options are available / decide what to do as we do it, rather than forming a plan ahead of time / do things at the last minute / do a lot of research but don’t act on it because we can’t decide…..

NOTE: The practical differences between Js & Ps are quite noticeable & sometimes cause a lot of conflict.

A strongly J person can become very frustrated by a P’s careless casualness or indecisiveness, while a strong P can feel limited & controlled by a strong J  – BUT nevertheless may make use of the J‘s extensive planning & preparedness (like on a trip), which can cause the J to feel angry for being taken advantage of!
On the other hand, a ‘mixed’ couple (one of each – friend, spouse, biz  partners…. ) can be complementary if they’re both mature enough to accept their different styles, & use those to accomplish mutual goals.

The 4 MBTI levels combine into 16 types, 8 Introverted & 8 Extroverted

 

 

 

 

NEXT: MBTI Basics #2b

Psychological DISORDERS – Psychotic (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self-care, Self-esteem

I CAN’T TELL
what’s real any more!

PREVIOUS: Disorders 5c

SITE: 12 types of psychosis

 

3. PERSONALITY DISORDERS
4. SOCIOPATHS & PSYCHOPATHS


5. PSYCHOTIC
Psychosis is a severe mental illness caused by a combination of inherited genes, & things a person experiences or is exposed to in life (traumatic birth, poison, diseases of the nervous system such as epilepsy & Parkinson’s, syphilis, drug use, severe social changes/ traumatic events…..)

It’s a group of extreme disorders expressed in abnormal thinking & perception – a gradual inability to distinguish oneself from one’s surroundings, ie. losing touch with reality. Psychological defenses become overloaded by stress & the sufferer breaks down, making it hard to separate ones thoughts & experiences from what’s going on outside. The most common form is Schizophrenia. (See site above)

Psychosis may or may not be a part of other mental illnesses as well, such as Bipolar, post-partum depression (about 1 in every 1,000 mothers, within a few weeks after giving birth), suddenly after a major stress, when using or withdrawing from drugs….

People in the grip of psychotic disorders experience themselves & the world very differently from psychopaths & sociopaths, who are usually very grounded in reality, understand what they’re doing & the consequences of their actions, but just don’t care.
EXP: A psychopath or a sociopath might kill someone’s dog because he/she wants to cause emotional trauma to the owner
• A psychotic might kill the dog because he/she thought it was robot sent to take over the world

While it’s not so easy for a person with a psychotic disorder to recognizing their own symptoms, they are acutely aware of experiencing pain & fear, which may cause the person to hurt themselves or others. This mental illness affects 3 out of every 100 people (1% of the population), can be a one-time ‘break’, episodic or long-term, most likely diagnosed in young adults.
Main symptoms:

Disordered thinking
• Delusions – fixed beliefs & ideas that are usually false, including religious or persecutory delusion, or a false belief of superiority.  EXP: convinced someone’s plotting against them, that the TV is sending secret messages, seeing a ‘spiritual’ entity, being watched by the police because of the way cars are parked outside the house…..

• Thoughts are confused, blurred or difficult to express, can seem to speed up or slow down, or belief that thoughts aren’t their own. There’s difficulty concentrating, following a conversation, memory loss or amnesia
• Speech  will often be jumbled or slurred, rapid & frenzied

• Suspiciousness – being worried or even scared of everyone they know, including family & friends. They feel uneasy without knowing why
• Superstition – believing in the unreal, includes: confusion about dreams, thinking that others can read your mind, frequently experiencing déjà vu, thinking that small events have a meaningful connection between them, & often coming up with far-fetched theories about why things happen

Disordered behavior
 • Social impairment – isolated, trouble with social situations, not conforming to behavioral standards or responding correctly to social cues
• Reactions can be infantile, prone to insults & swearing. They can forget self-care, such personal hygiene & housework, be disoriented,
• Physical – disorganized or compulsive behavior, repetitive movements, self-harm, slowness in activity, or lack of restraint

Exaggerated /unreal experiences
• Hallucinations – false perceptions, affecting the 5 senses, experienced more intensely that is realistic/true, or hearing, seeing, feeling something that’s not there) which can cause fear & paranoia
EXP: Interpreting everyday sounds as having new or special meaning, hearing something louder than actual, shadows are seen as human figures…..

• Hypochondria – the irrational/exaggerated fear of having or getting a disease or illness, causing health-related anxiety, & will constantly looking for symptoms & for things that might affect their health.

Mood changes
 • Emotions – A general discontent, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, tendency to be irritable & aggressive, or lack of normal emotional responses. It includes anger, anxiety, apathy, feeling detached from self, & inappropriate emotional responses such as being easily agitated when talked to

• Shifts in mood can occur often, throughout the day, in 2 phases: a manic period (high), feeling happy & energized. It’s followed by low mood, feeling sad & dull, with loss of appetite or difficulty sleeping. Psychotics tend to be irritable & aggressive, & may be easily agitated when talked to.

NEXT:

Psychological DISORDERS – Psychopathy (Part 5b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem

I HAVE TO STAY AWAY
from the ones who don’t care

PREVIOUS: Disorders #5a

SITEs: “Confessions of a Sociopath…..”

• When a Christian meets a Sociopath
(excellent info for anyone spiritually oriented, no matter of what ‘faith’)

 

3. PERSONALITY DISORDERS

4. SOCIOPATHS (Ss) & PSYCHOPATHS (PSs) (cont.)

(S) GENERAL
• impulsive, irresponsible, sexually promiscuous
• easily bored & needs constant stimulation
• can easily manipulate good-hearted but unwary people into
feeling sorry for them / worried & afraid / guilty / confused / ‘crazy’
• takes advantage of kindness & empathy, never apologizes
• gives the impression everyone (you) owe them

• fun, entertaining, super polite when meeting people
• an excellent story-teller, presenting self as the hero with high standards
• is a user, taking a lot from & gives back very little
• never takes responsibility, but turns the blame back on others
• lacks realistic long-term goals, always scheming but usually failing 
• has several short-term relationships or marriages
AND:  Sometimes you suspect they don’t really care about you!
SITEs: “S. def & signs” // “4 Phrases S. use to kill your confidence

(S) EMOTIONS (cont.)
• They can be afraid – which leads some to isolate themselves
• They’re volatile – prone to emotional outbursts, including fits of rage 
• They can feel some caring & guilt, but over all, those emotions are not strong enough to prevent them being overpowered by the S’s impulsivity & erratic behavior

• Many writers say that Ss can’t make emotional connections at all, & this is true to some extent, but is usually when Ss& PSs are lumped together. It’s true that Ss have no regard for society in general, & won’t feel guilty when harming a stranger or breaking the law in any form.

However, some Ss can become attached & develop loyalty to a like-minded person or group (mentor, gang, parent they’re symbiotic with – no matter how abusive….), so the S. may feel remorse if they do something to hurt those special ones.

(S) SOCIALLY
Sociopaths’ disturbing traits may have been visible from childhood in acts of cruelty to animals, property or people. They make up about 4% of the world’s population – people who ruin lives, causing extreme emotional trauma – simply because they don’t care. They disrupt relationships, create financial & emotional crises. At worst they perpetrate vandalism, theft, rape or murder.

Sociopaths know exactly what they’re doing & know the difference between right & wrong – technically – but can’t judge the morality of a situation because their inner ‘compass’ is skewed. They’re social predators who exploit just about everyone they deal with, altho most of them never kill anyone. They have no heart, no conscience & no remorse. Even tho’ their attitude toward others is not necessarily malicious, the outcome of they behavior is, since they treat people as objects.

The very clever ones make great con-men & women, able to act sincere in a way that can fool others into believing they have the same values. Instead,  they’re conniving, deceitful, often pathological liars, despite seeming to be trustworthy & sincere. Without empathy, they take no responsibility for their actions, & can easily turn the tables, accusing the other person for causing their misery, without guilt or shame.

They are great actors who can mimic emotion & empathy, masters at superficial pleasantness & manipulation – but instinctively ruling by fear, whether at home or at work. This is why they can be so successful in their career – it helps to look the part while not really caring about other people’s feelings. Alternating between charming & terrorizing others makes it hard for family or work staff to point out their abusiveness & stand up to them. It’s theorized that the top of the corporate food chain has a higher than average number of sociopathy than the general population. (MORE…..)

Since sociopaths (& psychopaths) are absolutely sure there’s nothing wrong with them, they are not ‘curable’ – so it’s a waste of time to try. The only option in dealing with them is to insist on limits to their actions, OR just staying out of their away.
SITEs: “How to beat a S. at their own dating game”
• “6 things to know about dating a sociopath”
• 5 Things Ps & Narc. do in conversation 

 

NEXT: Disorders #5c

Psychological DISORDERS – Neuroses (3c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, Self-esteem


MY CHARACTER DEFECTS
are just twisted versions of the True me!

PREVIOUS: Disorders #3a


1. HEALTHY
2. NEUROSES  – From a DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE (cont)
a. Enneagram  /// b. Trauma

c. Transactional Analysis  – The IMPASSE
Def : • A road or passage having no exit, as a cul-de-sac
• A situation so difficult that no progress can be made. Deadlock/stalemate

In psychological terms, impasses are formed as Type 1, 2 & 3 developmental stages in childhood, during which script-decisions are made. Scripts – our unconscious plan for life /internal ‘story’ – are usually based on unmet needs & abuse. This causes inner conflicts between one’s Parent & Child ego states, & usually experienced by the child first as a personal failure – an internalized sense of inadequacy. Parents, wider family & society present, repeat & reinforce scripts – in some cases positive, but in most cases harmful. (See the Gouldings’ 12 script themes – similar to the ACoA Toxic Rules)
✥ This shows the power & active participation of children in their own development.

As adults, we all carry a representation (model) of the world  & ourselves – where we belong, how we fit in, our work & how we do it, & where we’re headed. If the source of this model comes from a dysfunctional family, it will always fall short of dynamic, ever-changing reality – limiting our S & I growth.
An impasse (being stuck in some area of life) indicates a need for change in order to move forward. The different intensities of psychological disorders represent various stages & intensities of impasse. (MORE...)

CHART: 3 developmental stages of conflicts between inner Parent (P) & Child (C)
3rd degree impasse (Po-Co: Birth to 6 months, pre-verbal, even pre-natal)

These earliest conflicts are produced by the type of connection between mother & child, depending on how they relate day after day. They will be around the issue of survival, between: abandonment & engulfment, destroying or being destroyed, worth & worthlessness….

EXP: If the mother has an unhealed WIC – stuck in her own impasse – her wounds get communicated to the baby, day after day. If she is insensitive, controlling or brutal – the effect on the baby is predictable.
However – much more difficult to identify later on –  if her grown up Adult & Parent parts are used to activate, even improve her parenting style, without Recovery her behavior won’t have any affect on her little C1 ego state. No matter how she tries to cover it up, her deepest damage will unconsciously keep re-traumatizing the baby. 

A depressed or angry mother can ‘responsibly’ feed & look after her baby son every day, but he knows / senses his mother is emotionally bereft. He intuits (or is told) that he needs to take care of her – all focus must be on her instead of his own feelings & needs – OR ELSE she may somehow leave (die). So he feels unworthy to be taken care of & worthless for not being able to help her, which causes intense anxiety. So he slowly develops defensive patterns like people-pleasing / isolation / addictions…., which form his False Self.

As an adult, this earliest impasse continues as deep-seated conflicts in PMES forms such as muscle tension, psychosomatic complaints, immune disorders…. & expressed verbally in symbolic images, such as “I feel as if I’m in a fog, lost, cold & alone, there’s a wall up between me & everyone else” …. 

 2 degree impasse (P1-C1:  6 mths – 6 yrs)
Made up of Injunctions (authoritative orders) carried by feelings /emotions. They become internalized, often through non-verbal commands, at a time when the child has only a basic grasp of language. Script-decisions made are around basic theme about the child’s identity, such as: “Who am I? // Am I important? // Don’t grow up // Don’t feel”….. Later on, it’s much harder to remember how these issues developed, so the person usually doesn’t know they’re stuck back there

 1 degree impasse (P2-C2 : 6+ yrs old, when they can understand language)
The struggle here is between what the child should & should not do, what behaviors are socially acceptable or not. Internalized verbal instructions (counter-injunctions) will be things like: “Please others // Always try hard // Be a good boy or good girl // Never get angry”….. These are more accessible to awareness, so later on it’s easier to remember who gave them & in what form.

BREAKING the Impasse – options
When the Bad Parent is so strong that it keeps the messages in place, the person gives in & continues to live by the original ‘rules’, keeping the Healthy Child bound. HOWEVER – 
a. When the person’s Wounded Child refuses to go along with its Bad Parent’s messages & is finally allowed to get angry, it liberates the Healthy / Free Child
b. The Bad Parent’s injunctions are agreed with, but the Healthy Child’s needs are ‘redefined’, often in humorous terms. Then both sides win.
EXP = Parent voice: “You’re crazy”
Child: “I may be crazy, but I’m never boring!”:)

NEXT: Disorders #4a

Psychological DISORDERS – Normal (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem

I ADMIRE OTHERS WHO
easily know how to function

PREVIOUS: Disorders #1

IMAGE from: The Truman College Wellness Center

SITE: Psychological Disorders:  PowerPoints with Video Links & Lecture Notes (To purchase. Aimed at teachers)

HUMOR: Psych Disorders of Winnie the Pooh Characters

LEVELS of Mental Health
The hierarchy of mental states, from highest to lowest functioning, is:
1. Healthy —-> 2. Neurotic —-> 3. Personality Disordered —->
4. Sociopathic/Psychopathic —-> 5. Psychotic (deranged)

1. NORMAL (Healthy)
DEF: Mental health is a state of emotional & psychological well-being based on realizing & developing ones potential, with the ability to cope with normal life stressors, to work productively & fruitfully, & contribute to ones community. This comes from the True Self.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), mental health includes : Autonomy, competence, inter-generational dependence, perceived self-efficacy, self-actualization of one’s intellectual and emotional potential…… & subjective well-being, which comes from acting on their abilities, coping with normal life-stressors, productive work & contribution to their community.

HOWEVER: People with long-term, stable mental health are in the minority. Several long-term studies – in the US, Switzerland & New Zealand – (covering a span of 27 yrs, during ages 11 to 38) found that up to 83% of participants developed mental disorders sometime during those ages.

Re. the continually health people: while having loving, drama-free childhoods helped, these people were (born) naturally up-beat (emotionally not moody), had lots of friends & had superior self-control.
As adults, they reported more education, better jobs, higher-quality relationships & more satisfaction with their lives.
Also, in New Zealand, the healthiest Kiwis had fewer first- & second-degree relatives with mental disorders. (More….)

OVERVIEW
• Basically – mental health is about knowing who you are – the very essence of you (not just your damage expressed as self-hate) but rather the person you were born as, called the True Self, found in the Natural Child.

• It’s being comfortable in your own skin, even when things aren’t going well or you’re experiencing great difficulties (More….)

• It’s having access to all emotions (not all at once ):), knowing how to comfort yourself when in any kind of pain, AND being able to enjoy all the good things about yourself & your life

• It’s knowing what your talents are & using them  to your best ability, learning what you don’t know & using all your imagination to express your ideas

• It’s having strong, clear boundaries (not walls) so you can have safe relationships which can be loving, interesting &/or fun

• It’s knowing what your limitations are, based on your natural personality, you experiences & your age. Accepting that you are imperfect & not all-powerful, both as a human being & as your unique self. It’s ACCEPTING this & being OK with it

• It’s being curious about yourself, other people & the world, always looking for new ways to grow & stay interested in life

💕 Healthier people can tolerate a wider, deeper range of emotion, so don’t have a compulsive need for distractions (alcohol, sugar, internet surfing, sex, doing / doing….). Being more honestly self-aware allows them to feel:
😟 the pain of their own human failings, limitations & eventual mortality, and
😍 the beauty of everyday living – precious moments with loved ones, appreciating delicate flowers, a kind word from someone, time spent with a pet or listening to favorite music….
‼as well as the high points, like weddings, births, promotions, personal milestones, artistic accomplishments….(SITE: Children’s Mental Health 2–8)

Theresa Lowry-Lehnen, Health Psychology lecturer, writes:
“Emotional stability refers to the level of control a person has over their own emotions. A healthy personality does not have unreasonable & unwanted negative thoughts & feelings towards others, nor indulges in self-loathing. They can be spontaneous but not impulsive, can make rational, well-judged decisions, & are able to protect their health, self-esteem & well-being – despite any problems in their life.”

Using the criterion of personality organization, Dr. Otto Kernberg marks 3 degrees of dysfunctional severity: Neurotic, Borderline & Psychotic states. The more mentally & emotionally disorganized, the worse the person’s functioning.
To assess this, Kernberg suggests evaluating answers to 3 Qs:
1) Is your reality-testing intact? (Explanations)
2) Do you have an integrated sense of self & others?
3) What is the maturity level of your defenses?

CHAT BOT – talk to computer re. moods (Woebot on Facebook Messenger)

NEXT: Disorders #2b

COMMUNICATION Categories – Ways (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

NOBODY SEEMS
to be listening to me!

PREVIOUS: Comm categories #5

 

CATEGORIZING Communication (Comm) cont.
6a. Re. Mechanical Networks  /// 6b. Re. Human Networks  

7. Re. WAYS to ENGAGE in comm
Level 1: Messages into the Ether
Snail mail, email & texting have some things in common. They’re sent out, & a response can sometimes take days or weeks. Since they’re not conversational (back & forth) there can be a high level of misunderstanding, possibly leading to hurt feelings, even fights.

Level 2: Back & forth Messaging
It’s conversational, but still done remotely (IM, text….). Such exchanges are more casual & direct, so confusion is less likely, since one or both can catch distortions or misses with each reply.
However, its bite-size style means it’s not well-suited to discussing complex issues.

Level 3: A Verbal Dialogue
Here participants get to express their opinions directly, plus adding a whole layer of implied info via Para-language. These can hint at excitement, pleasure, peacefulness OR annoyance, frustration, stress…. that are harder to detect in writing. A drawback is that they often require scheduling, but sometimes things need to be cleared up quickly via phone.

Level 4: In-Person Spontaneous Discussion
When something important comes up unexpectedly, we might decide to seek out the others person for a conversation. Spontaneous discussions can be  effective for problem-solving, getting an immediate need met or making a plan. Benefits come from adding a new level of mutual understanding & co-operation. But it doesn’t always work – discomfort with spontaneity, lack of privacy, the other person being too busy or not in the mood…. can get in the way.

Level 5: In-Person Scheduled Discussion
What makes this level special is the mutual agreement to set aside time. Planning does not have to make the meeting Formal, but gives both parties time to think about the topic. Successful & dynamic interactions come from combining self-awareness, non-verbal intelligence & privacy, to ensure comfort & trust. (From )

VALUE: Observing admired leaders, we can see that good comm. judgment is very important to their success.
For example, knowing what can be done at Level 2, versus what must be done Level 5 – & doing it – is a sign of sound leadership instinct, as well as knowing what to expect in personal relationships.

8. Re. PMES Categories
SOCIAL: Talking about anything of mutual interest – news, sports, weather…. It’s superficial but truly useful, allowing us to function among strangers without burdening them with TMI about our life.  It also helps determine whether someone is neutral, a potential friend or enemy

MENTAL: Talking about facts, helpful tips, ideas, non-controversial beliefs, plans & strategies, as in professional conversations. Unfortunately, some people go out of their way to be the ‘best’ at it, so that no one is smarter, wittier or more knowledgeable, & they never have to be wrong.

The distance between the first two levels is relatively short. Polite conversation can turn into a mentally stimulating one very quickly & then collapse back into small talk or none at all – without discomfort. Except for conversations with a controlling know-it-all, these two levels are safe.

EMOTIONAL: Here talk is about aspirations, fears, wants, needs & joys. Sometimes eyes well up, lips quiver, & the voice chokes. Other times those same eyes light up, heart pounds & words flow with joy, or fail from awe.

• The distance between #1 & 2 AND #3 is rather wide, because #3 requires intimacy, transparency, trust & vulnerability. Most of us are afraid of being wrong or looking foolish, & absolutely terrified of rejection.
Participating at this level opens us to possible rejection, hurt & being scarred. Over-all, this level is easier for women to navigate, partly expressing emotions is more socially acceptable, & because a portion of women’s Corpus Callosum is thicker than men’s, perhaps allowing more access across the hemispheres emotions to be verbalized  (MORE….)

SPIRITUAL. This is the hardest to identify & describe, not only because our culture is so secular, but because few people are willing to drop down into the level of faith – for themselves – much less to speak of it to others.
It melts away push-pull, give-take win-lose, me-you. There are no distortions from emotional mental or social games, allowing for the highest level of resonance, creating an energetic embrace that sustains & heals.

‼️ Understanding all these forms of comm allows us to identify & then choose which is most appropriate for any given situation.
It can be too easy to go down the path of least resistance, but that can get us into trouble, so it’s important to be more thoughtful about how & when we communicate.
It’s better to do it the right way – focusing on our goals & using whichever level will help us get there.

NEXT: Psych Disorders #1

COMMUNICATION Categories – Informal (Part 5)

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IT HELPS TO KNOW
what the rules are

PREVIOUS: Comm. #4

SITE: “….How Relationships influence Behavior”

⬅️”BUSINESS MEETING” by DMT


CATEGORIES of Communication (Comm) cont…
6a. Re. Mechanical Networks

6b. Re. Human Networks  (biz, academia, military, even family)
The form of an organization’s comm. networks dictates the method & speed by which ideas flow between managers & employees. Their efficiency can be tested on the basis of : Nature of task, Leader emergence, Group satisfaction, & Speed of work

a. MEDIA – Written, oral & gestural. see Part 2

b. DIRECTION
• Vertical comm. – Info is passed between different levels of the organizational hierarchy. Orders moves down from the top through a formal chain of command, to the place where it will be implemented. Responses & collected info flow up to the top for review & decision-making

• Horizontal (lateral) – Comm. occurs between any two parts of the organization at the same level – between 2 people, divisions or departments – allowing for greater degree of informality. The purpose is to co-ordinate the activities of the various units of the organization

• Diagonal – Sharing of info among different structural levels. This term was introduced to capture the new comm. challenges associated with new organizational forms, such as matrix & project-based businesses.
EXP: It could involve higher level management with a lower level to indicate a shift in objectives

c. RELATIONSHIP (channel)
i. FORMAL Networks
➤ CENTRALIZED
This is when one group member has access to more comm. channels than any other, & so tends to process more info than others in that group, disbursed to others based on status & hierarchy.
EXP: The boss needs to address any negative grapevine comm., or the rumors can become fact in the minds of employees

Wheel  – most centralized form, where all info flows from the leader, & other members have little or no comm. link with each other. Here, the boss deliberately controls comm., making sure his/her wishes reach everyone

Chain (scalar): People comm. in a set sequence, via the line of command….. proceeding from A to B, B to C ….. or in reverse. This type is slow but carries the most authentic communication

➤ DECENTRALIZED
Here all group members have access to the same number of channels. Info is comm. by any person on the hierarchy scale & can be accessed by other employees. Research has shown that decentralized networks or organizations perform better, & have more satisfied members.

Circle – Here the info is shared equally among all members. Each person gives & receives info from two or more others in the network

Star – Comm. revolve around a central point. Each person in the outer branches of the star passes on a message to a central authority, who then distributes it to the other participants. A must for groups or for teamwork, but can limit or inhibit ease of comm. between members

Inverted “V” – Here subordinates are allowed to comm with their immediate superior, as well as with that boss’s boss – but limited

Common (Free-flow / All-channel) – the most decentralized, where everyone is connected to each other, so info can flow freely from anywhere in the organization

ii. INFORMAL
Usually deals with interpersonal, horizontal comm. Traditionally it was considered a potential hindrance to effective performance, but that’s no longer true. However, leaders of modern organizations see it as an important way to ensure effective conduct in employees

Informal comm. is via the grapevine, represented by sociograms. These are important since they’re a large part of daily comm. Friendship, usage & efficiency are 3 important parts. It can be as a:

Single strand
Info flows from one person to the next, until it reaches everyone ….. but is generally a less reliable or accurate way to pass on the message. However, it can effectively be used for urgent or emergency news

Gossip Chain
There’s generally a central person who looks for, finds & then passes on info to all other members directly (water cooler, lunchtime…..), often used when the topic is not job related

Probability Chain
Here info passes randomly from persons to persons – when the info is interesting but not important

Cluster Chain
The most common type – where a person who is the source of a message passes info to a pre-selected group, from which a few individuals repeat it to other selected groups – until the whole network is covered, like a telephone tree.

NEXT: Comm #6

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 2)

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LISTEN TO PATTERN
of their conversation

PREVIOUS: Red Flags #1

BOOK:  HOW to TAKE REVENGE on a NARCISSIST: Take your power back by using their secret techniques 

List BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation (in Part 1)

2. SOCIAL Manipulation
• Comparing – you with everyone else in their life, including your eventual replacement. When idealizing you, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. Later, when devaluing you, they use these comparisons to cut you down

• Communicating – texts you dozens of times a day, adding compliments, flattery, songs & poems on Facebook….  You come to rely on this flood of attention as a source of confidence

• In Demand – they surround themselves with former lovers and potential mates,  bragging that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you not to worry. You feel jealous believing your partner is in high demand

• Exes, exes, exes – it’s the psychopath’s favorite topic of conversation & you’re stuck listening about them all the time – their names & everything that happened between them – but only the psychopath’s version

• Denouncing – they seem to have an unusually amount of crazies in their past. They bad-mouth previous business & personal exes who ‘abandoned’ them, labeling those people as disloyal,  jealous, bipolar, alcoholic….  They will speak about you the same way to their next target

• Rivalry – psychopaths shift their laser focus from you back to previously denounced exes, using social media to post ambiguous videos & status updates, old songs & inside jokes, making you doubt your importance to them, while seemingly innocent.

• Boredom – They focus more on their new activity & ignore older ones with you. They don’t seem to care when you leave their side, since they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy

• Isolating – If you try to maintain ties with family & friends outside your relationship, they will ensure to undermine each one until you’re severed.
And if you work hard to foster inner peace in your life, they will make it their mission to destroy every avenue you use

• Mind reading. Psychopaths expect you to always be able to know what they want or need, when they’re upset, when they don’t feel well, when they want you to do something – all without saying!

• Shape shifting. They adopt different personae for different people or groups, transforming their outward personality to match their audience. But sometimes they forget what role they’re playing with you, then slip & accidentally use the wrong mask. You begin to wonder – Who are they really?
Very eerie, but it’s not Multiple Personality Disorder. Each shift is conscious & cleverly molded – all to cover their inner emptiness.

3. GENERAL
• Fun – They actively search our extreme sports & dangerous activities, from a need to feel excitement via high risk & intensity. Anything from BASE jumping to having sex in public, from juggling matches to carelessly cheating on a mate

Dichotomy – they confuse you with a combination of swaggering street-smarts toughness, while at the same time giving off a little boy/girl ‘innocence’ or goodness (not real!).

Fake ‘tears’ – Their emotions are shallow & short-lived.
— While they know how to copy emotions they see in others, only occasionally does the mask slip – unconsciously, giving you the feeling that something’s ‘off’
— You may catch flashes of contempt (feeling superior), unrelated to anything going at the time. Micro-expressions leak out their true opinions
— Rage is one of the few Es they actually feel, but even so they can go from being in a rage to compete calm in a minute

TMI – They love to tell about shady & ‘dirty’ things they’ve done (business & sexual) – as if those were something to be proud of – while giving the impression that’s all in the past for them

Fake goodness – They create a ‘saintly’ aura engaging in phony altruism (volunteering, donating, gift-giving…), & can’t wait to boast about the great things they do for others – to gain your trust

Talking style – On the one hand their speech is filled with ‘umm / er / uh’ s… maybe needing the time or mental effort to come up with the next lie, ‘story’ or way to make a good impression.
On the other hand – they can barrage with endless (sometimes interesting) monologues, like being on stage, but ignore responses or interruptions

• Blame others – nothing is ever their fault. They spend all their time rationalizing their behavior rather than improving it

• Overwhelming selfishness – only their needs, desires, opinions, upsets… count    (Modified from “Identifying a Psychopath….”)

NEXT: Psychopath RED FLAGS #3

DEALING with P-As: Managing (Part 5)

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I’LL DO WHAT I CAN
but it’s not all up to me!

PREVIOUS: Dealing with PAs – #4

SITE: Confronting P-A behavior
— re. resistance to being confronted = #4


OUR RESPONSES
Set limits, set consequences – & then follow through.
CRUCIAL: Identify the P-A’s dysfunctional behavior, & then state what it will cost them to continue it – with you. It’s a powerful tool – throwing down the gauntlet. It says you’re not the pushover they’re used to dealing with. Their maneuvers are basically a power struggle – with the whole world, but especially against anyone they see as an authority figure – in relation to themselves (spouse, teacher, family member, church, governments….) . So you can’t let it pass.

One of the biggest mistakes Receivers make is to be much too lenient. Once you give in to the P-A’s pattern, you’ve lost the game they’re playing. Ignoring or going along with their tactics, or taking on their responsibilities, is enabling & encourage them to continue.

Although you don’t want to provoke an angry confrontation, you also don’t need to be the P-A’s punching bag. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate being mistreated. It’s your right to set boundaries. This is equally true about their language & their non-actions, all of which are forms of abuse & therefore damaging to your relationship, & to work outcomes. For most people it takes practice to be assertive, & sometimes even courage.

Offer one or more serious/important consequences. Said simply & calmly, it may make them think twice about their automatic reactions & perhaps encourage them to modify their behavior – shifting from obstruction to cooperation. READ  7  types of power that encourages positive change.

Make sure the punishment fits the crime. Because P-A patterns are so frustrating, consequences/punishments can quickly go overboard (like screaming “I’m never ever talking to you again!” in the heat of the moment). Taking a time-out for yourself can help to come up with the best response. AND – you may need to talk to someone you trust to give you another perspective – or just a word of encouragement to stay strong. There’s nothing weak or shameful in getting support.

EXP: If this problem has gone on for too long – decide: Do I just need a break, or is it time to end the friendship altogether? / Is this person  needed in this job, or should I fire them?….. OR – If someone is habitually late to meet you at an agreed upon time – after the 3rd or 4th time Let them know that from now on that you’ll only wait 15 min. & then leave. Don’t keep waiting.

So no matter what their reaction is to being called out, as an Rs you need to stand pat about how much you’re willing to take going forward. Follow through on the limits you set – to let the P-A know you’re not willing to pay the price for their acting out.
If possible, give the P-A a chance to help solve the problem at hand, asking them for constructive, practical solutions to improve or fix the situation (at work or at home). BUT if all you get are complaints & criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Just say that you’ll keep what they said in mind, & go back to the point

Reinforce appropriate/good behavior – with the goal of increasing its frequency. It can be: punishing bad responses or rewarding good ones – which are harder so notice. So be on the lookout for positive changes – which include expressions of true emotions & any unhealthy tactic not done.

Decide when to detach or avoid the P-A completely. If you’ve given them every chance to ‘correct’, spoken to them reasonable, given them options &/or consequences – AND nothing changes – it’s perfectly reasonable to spend a lot less time with them or end the relationship. Sometimes this can be very difficult & painful, but you have to put your own well-being first. (Self-care)
However, if it’s a casual acquaintance – it’s easier to just avoid them.

What can help you deal with a P-A you care deeply about is to focus on their best qualities. Make a list & add to it if/when you see positive changes. Sometimes reinforcing the best in others will give them a reason to improve themselves.
NOTE: This does not apply to active addicts or other narcissists. Their S-H won’t allow for compliments & their acting-out can not be reinforced or excused.

NEXT: P-A