MBTI : INTROVERSION – Intro (Part 1)

PREVIOUS: E/I Anatomy #2

SITE: MBTI historical info

BOOK: “Introvert Guide to Self-love” – by Luna & Sol

Introversion is NOT isolation.
Dr. Carl Jung identified it as an “attitude type” (inborn), observing that Introversion & Extroversion are both healthy variations in personality style. (See earlier posts)

DEF: Introverts (Is) are both energized & rested by drawing energy from their own thoughts & feelings, comfortable with solitary activities, & so place less emphasis on ‘people skills’ & talking. They perform well in analytical roles that require focus & logic.

Based on Jonathan Cheek’s research, there are 4 styles of Introversion:
• Social: Prefer to stay at home with quiet activities, or hang out with a few close friends instead of events with lots of strangers (NOT shyness)
• Thinking: Very introspective, thoughtful & self-reflective, highly creative, often daydreamers with a rich imagination. Occasionally don’t mind a busy social scene
• Reserved: Operate at a slower pace, think before acting, careful decision-makers & take time to start things

• Anxious: Not confident in social settings, often worried about what could go wrong (projecting). Painful shy around others, especially strangers or with new people. Nor does the anxiety always go away when they’re alone, because later they obsess about how they ‘failed’

EDITORIAL: Since Is are naturally wired a specific way, the last type may actually be one of the other 3, but wounded in childhood. Introversion does not by itself cause dysfunction!

Interesting: Researchers discovered that Introverted participants who acted like Es – when taking cognitive tests – had slower reaction times than Is who were being themselves. The effort & time they wasted trying to be something they’re not naturally wired for – was distracting & depleting. This especially applies to Is having to fake it for a long time. They can give themselves the freedom to be the way they’re ‘built’, even if the rest of the world keeps trying to mold them into Es.

Misleading: Many illustrations & cartoons portray Is as awkward, misfits, fearful & unfriendly – all signs of emotional damage. Es often judge Is as isolators, but that’s caused by FoA, S-H & lack of Bs, not Introversion.
In fact – it’s not unusual for Is to be gregarious, helpful, charming, warm & prodigious talkers. It’s just that they need more alone-time than Es to recover from all that expended energy
)👁 👁(
Using the O.C.E.A.N inventory, National Institute on Aging researchers Paul Costa & Robert McCrae expanded on the Big 5 characteristics, to include 6 facets within each dimension.
Introverts high on:
1. Activity Level – like to take it easy, are laid back & react slowly as situations develop
2. Assertiveness – let others lead the way, stay in the background & keep their opinions to themselves. Really don’t like to be pushy or demanding

3. Excitement – need peace & quiet, perfectly happy with daily routines. They make better roommates or neighbors since they prefer a steady, quiet lifestyle
4. Gregariousness – are friendly but do just fine by themselves, avoid crowds, preferring quiet activities such as reading or reviewing their day

5. Positive emotion – are usually content without show it outwardly. They’re not as likely to express strong emotions, but feel them deeply
6. Warmth – are hard to get to know at first, & can feel uncomfortable around people they don’t know well. They hold back in social situations, waiting to be approached, but may be the most interesting ones around

Most Introverts (Is) were not accepted by family, school & friends, the majority of whom are Es & think typical Is are weird or disobedient. But if only someone had understood their basic traits & been willing to accept & encourage them, it would have fostered self-esteem & made life much easier.

Now we can use this info helps us better understand & accept our mates, friends, bosses…., but especially ourselves, so we can treat our WIC with greater clarity & compassion. And anyone who has an internally oriented son or daughter can help them flourish, no matter what age

• CHARTS : Illustrations That Are All Too Real For Is
posted by Anna Borges on BuzzFeed (8/12/15)



NEXT:  Introverts = Intro #2

MBTI: E vs. I Brains – OVERVIEW


PREVIOUS: E vs I brains #3

SITE: ‘The Brain that changes itself” – Norman Daidge, M.D.


See SAME CHART from another source



Introverts & Extroverts have different levels of arousalmeaning the extent to which our minds & bodies are alert & responsive to stimulation

Es have a lower basic rate of arousal. They need to work harder to be up to the same ‘normal’ state that Is might reach quite easily, because Is‘ rate of arousal is much higher.

Hedonic tone ⬆️ is the degree of pleasantness or unpleasantness associated with a given subject, state or circumstance. Also known as positive or negative valence.


ACoAs: PATIENCE vs Co-dependent Waiting (Part 3)

Co-dep vs Patience #2

POST:  S & I: Healthy….(Part 3) Process, point #3.


Real patience :
is based on selfTRUST, an aspect of the True Self , rather than trusting others – too little or too much. This trust is the result of taking care of our needs & knowing what our destiny/ bliss/ passion’ is. It’s being willing to keep working toward them no matter how long it takes or how hard the path is to get there, believing we can last out the tough times.  This minimizes or eliminates envy & jealousy – because we have the right & power to provide for ourselves, so that needing to be Patient is not so frustrating

• requires a decent handle on boundaries, having learned what’s ‘my stuff’ vs. what’s yours – which can only come from knowing oneself well (inventories, Meetings, therapy, dreams, healthy adult mirroring….). Then patience is waiting to see what others can or are willing to do for themselves

• is working toward appropriate (do-able) goals, step by step, knowing it takes time to accomplish something worthwhile, knowing that some things take longer than others. (College was 4 yrs, meeting husband-to-be took going to singles dances for 7 yrs, Recovery – ongoing for the last 40 yrs!)

Real patience :
• comes from using our intuition, intelligence & experience to know when to “hold ’em & when to fold ’em” – letting things develop naturally
— Sometimes we just need to wait for a better (human) time, for a more appropriate location or person, for more emotional healing, for H.P.’s timing
— Sometimes we need to admit when something we want is not healthy, & let go of the original desire/demand, OR know when something is simply not possible – the way we want it – & then look for alternatives or change the goal

• is having realistic expectations – knowing how things actually work in the real world. This includes accepting that most setbacks are temporary.
EXPs: starting an online biz can take 3-5 years to become profitable
— calling a company for help or info usually takes 3-5 calls – long waits, no help, calling back, going thru several people – before getting THE answer or appointment
— having to wait for a physical injury to heal completely
— waiting in a line of any kind, a time to multi-task (context-switching, #3)……

• knowing what triggers our impatience – old childhood buttons from things that were done to us over & over – & still bother us, a lot!  Patience is a virtue because it requires self-control, so we don’t ruin things for others by anxiety & selfishness

It means accepting that we:
• can’t force an issue or project to go faster than possible – called process.   Planning, evaluation & measurement all take time
• don’t expect mates, children friends…. to be in the same place we are at the moment. Instead, we can continue our own life based on the principles of the Program (like Step 12, attraction not promotion) – allowing others their own timing
• not demand to be heard or understood in all situations & by everybody (stores, banks, service people…. loved ones…..)

🍀 Reduces stress, minimizing anger & overwhelm
🍀 Develops understanding & compassion for others because we know what it takes to deal with life’s ups & downs
🍀 We make better decisions, avoiding as many mistakes, by taking the time to assess each situation, see the big picture, weigh the pros & cons, then choose the best option at the time

With patient & diligent effort, using everything in our Recovery tool box, we can apply the Serenity Prayer correctly & wrap ourselves in love-energy as we wait for good things to come.

NEXT: MBTI – Introvert vs Extrovert BRAINS

ACoAs: PATIENCE vs Co-dependent Waiting (Part 2)

PREVIOUS: Co-dep vs Patience #3

SITE: How to cope with waiting for news

QUOTE: “Good character is not formed in a week or a month.  It is created little by little, day by day, by protracted patience” – Heraclitus of Ephesus


Co-dep also shows up as IMPATIENCE, annoyance, intolerance, worry, fear & distrust
• It’s demanding what we want, right now (instant gratification), because any delay in getting a need or a desire met is taken by the WIC as a definite “NO – you can’t ever have it, so shut up & go away!” from the PP (Negative Introject)

• It’s rushing relationships, to get that feeling of instant attachment, which is actually symbiosis. It’s an attempt to compensate for present-day fear of Abandonment pain, to make up for not having had that bond as an infant with mom, when it should have occurred

• It’s impulsively rushing into situations without considering whether they’re right for us, or what the consequences will be – to ourselves or others
• It’s pushing our way ahead of others (selfish entitlement) – the unconscious fear of being left behind – while consciously assuming it’s ‘our right’, but is actually childish narcissism
<ADD YOUR OWN kinds of unhealthy co-dep ‘patience’ & impatience>

Fortunately, Recovery gives us an out – a way to identify our damage so we can separate & strip it away from the Real us that’s hidden under all the defenses, separating the Toxic Rules from our Rights. As adults we have very real options, if we’re willing to risk leaving our attachment to the dysfunction.
REMEMBER: We’re damaged (wounded), not defective!

🦋 🐯 🦆 🐳 🦒 🐇

This kind is an ACTIVE response to reality (personal & environmental)
Just like ‘Acceptance‘ does NOT mean giving up or giving in, Patience does NOT mean letting the world trample us.
Nor does it mean ‘taking the moral high ground’ as some spiritual superiority, nor a punishment from the ‘universe’
• It does not imply the hopelessness of being forced to endure suffering & deprivation
• It does not mean being passive, of not taking appropriate actions when necessary to accomplish something, especially if it’s something only we can do. (Posts: Healthy Actions // What to do when confused // Why are you stuck?)

It DOES mean being emotionally mature. This allows us to tolerate delayed gratification, which can only come from lowering the WIC’s intense anxiety. Healthy patience is active in the sense that we choose to wait for a desired outcome, while at the same time actively continuing to live the best way we can – every day.

Real patience :
• requires knowing the difference between Rescuing & Helping, because it takes patience to sit with our own discomfort of not jumping in to someone else’s problems. Knowing the rules for Helping is important. But we can also tell by being physically stressed or relaxed, & our emotions:

— Rescuing / people-pleasing is driven by anxiety (before), a compulsion to compensate for something broken in us. The excitement of ‘doing’ comes from a false sense of connection, & temporary relief of abandonment fear. Afterward – we can feel drained – from overdoing, disappointed if we didn’t get what we wanted in return, & then angry. Here the actions are ALL about us, the WIC trying to cover up S.H.

— True Helping is done from an inner sense of calm & confidencebefore taking action a choice that comes from the Healthy Adult’s enjoyment of sharing our personal talents, knowledge & experience. And we feel pleased, satisfied & comfortable – afterward. We benefit, but it’s not so much about ourselves.

NEXT: Co-dep vs. Patience #3

ACoAs: Co-dependent vs Patient Waiting (Part 1)


PREVIOUS: ENFJ characteristics

SITEs: Why we hate to wait
“8 Factors that make the wait seem longer”


Children are not patience creatures!
Most can’t wait to grow up & be in control of their choices & options. Everything seems to take such a long time. If it’s raining out & we had to stay in, if we had a serious illness that kept us in bed, if one parent was away a lot for business or serving our country…. waiting for it to change or finish seemed endless.

ACoAs: However, this normal anxiousness (not anxiety) is magnified for children in alcoholic / abusive homes. Nothing got better, nothing really changed, nothing we did or said made any difference!
Constantly abandoned in PMES ways, growing up, has left us with the conviction that we are not worthy of anything good.  So waiting is unbearable. Better to not want. We developed a hopelessness that we’ve carried over into adult life – a ‘learned helplessness’ we still believe is our inevitable lot in life.

“Learned Helplessness” represents adults with the option to be free, but unwilling to leave their childhood prison, living in deprivation, still trapped by attachment to their abusive family.

CO-DEPENDENT Waiting – RESIGNED ‘patience’
Co-dep is one of the characteristics of the False Self  the WIC formed as a substitute for the True Self – which our damaged family prevented us from developing. Not having had positive mirroring, we say “I don’t know who I am”- in the deepest part of ourselves – even when we can list a few likes, dislikes & accomplishments.

Because the WIC has no stable sense of identity, & without a UNIT, we rely on others to tell us who we are, how we should feel, think & act. We’re like flotsam in the ocean, drifting aimlessly thru mental confusion (T), dragge
d under by waves of emotional pain (E).
Co-dep UP: When anyone is at the -very least- not mean, not judgy, not dismissive and -at best- paying attention to us, tolerant, helpful….., then the WIC feels OK, happy, relieved, alive, allowed to exist.
Co-dep DOWN: But if anyone is -at worst- mean, accusatory, controlling, or -at least- insensitive , silent or neglectful, the light goes out of us, & we feel depressed, immobile, dead.

Co-dep ‘long-suffering’ is PASSIVE waiting, waiting, waiting … for magic!
It means WAITING:
• to be taken care of by others, in ways we should be doing ourselves
• for certain people to come thru for us – who are not capable
• for the active addict (or co-dep parent) to go into Recovery
• for an important-someone to keep their promises – even tho’ we know they usually don’t
• for our S.O. to fulfill all our unmet childhood needs
• for our parents to see us, validate, understand, apologize…..
• for our pain to dissipate, without having to actually process it
• for H.P. to magically heal us so we don’t have to do the ‘work’ of Recovery

Fake Patience means TO:
• live in constant deprivation, because we don’t believe we deserve better
• keep ourselves ‘small‘, while waiting for our ‘golden future’ to materialize
assume someone will know what we need / want, without having to ask
survive in the false hope that “One day I’ll be, I’ll have….”, because we’re not allowed the real thing
put up with whatever drifts into our life, so we’re not alone
• endlessly tolerate unacceptable behavior & situations
• continually say ‘It’s OK’ when something definitely is NOT
• be stuck in hopelessness, unable to get out of bad or unsuitable situations/ relationships…….

NEXT: Co-dep vs Patience #2




SITEs: Each MBTI type at their Best




– EXECUTIVE / Supervisor / Overseer

Most FORCEFUL  – “That boss”
• 11.2% males, 6.3% females

GOAL: To execute.  
ESTJs are realistic, matter-of-fact, take-charge types. They usually have a definite vision of how things should be – easily stepping into leadership roles. They honor traditions & laws, with a clear set of standards & beliefs,  highly valuing honesty, dedication, dignity & security.

They’re practical & organized, putting a lot of effort into all they do. They excel at getting projects & people to their goals, as well as handling routine details. ESTJs are not interested in theories or abstractions unless they have practical applications.

Living in a present world of facts & concrete needs, many are likely to be athletic. As the loyal “Good citizen” they constantly scan the environment to make sure everything’s running smoothly & systematically. They use their understanding of what’s right, wrong & socially acceptable – to bring families & communities together.  (More….)

ESTJs are: anal, fair, determined, efficient, opinionated, productive, responsible, sociable, traditional. And not all are complainers.

Most of them aren’t actually self-righteous. If they are, it’s only toward their family, mainly from insecurity rather than because they think they’ve made the best decisions for everyone they love. In fact, when someone close to them makes life-choices different from their own, they secretly worry that maybe they should have taken a different route in their own life. Out of the SJ types (Sensing-Judging), they’re probably the worst at teamwork.

• Life’s Purpose: Bringing direction to the leaderless
• Their Law: You shall never make excuses for your incompetence
• They ‘Comfort’ others by saying: What the @#$% are feelings & why do you feel that way anyway??

• They say: I’ve written the rules down, & made copies for every one. I like to see things done correctly. Good order is the foundation of all things. Business before pleasure!
Communication: The ESTJ will tell someone if they’re making them angry. Please. Stop. They should stop talking about how nobody listens to them.

• Weaknesses: Inflexible, judgmental, stubborn, trouble expressing emotions, trouble relaxing, too dependent on structure / trouble with unconventional situations, too subjective
Manipulate: Push their will or idea by preaching about something 20 different ways to make sure others really get it

• Paradox: (Un-developed ESTJ) Orderly & unchanging (rigid: won’t allow whining in a hospital)
Judge people by: How competent they are
Are judged for: being too bossy  • Fear: Of uncertainty

Become STRESSED from situations shown in the illustration
Under stress, ESTJs can too easily become domineering & inflexible, with an “Do exactly as I say….or else!” attitude. They’ll see others as ‘too sensitive’ & weak, so assume it’s time to take control & set things right, Impose their viewpoint on everything & everyone, they’ll be convinced their logic is the only valid standard.
Ironically they’ll also be hypersensitive & emotionally reactive (rather than proactive). They crave personal contact & affection, but are unwilling to let emotions show, taking it as the weakness they despise in others. (Similar to lower-level Enneagram 8s).
They accuse others of being corrupt, subjective & disrespectful, justifying their self-righteous anger. As the pressure becomes intolerable, they let out frustration inappropriately: bursts of rage, intense controlling, impulsive actions, addictions

• Hate: Anyone constantly goofing off, being disrespected or ignored, disorder, others making dumb jokes – or just crying. Forced to be emotionally open. Not in control of their life. Anyone showing up very late to a planned meeting, & telling the ESTJ they just ‘lost track of time’.  Asking for Help, because it makes them feel incompetent

• Don’t argue with ESTJs when they’re holding: A frying pan
• Never: Underestimate them.  • Never tell them: You’re not good enough

• Advice: Don’t expect everyone to be the same or try to make them be like you! 
ESTJs are very much a been-there-done-that type. In boring situations why not use the time to quietly plan something interesting? Always giving too much of themselves to their tasks, it would be good for them to occasionally forget about work & people – taking time to actually live in their life, letting each second slow to a halt to drink in their surroundings.

Focusing too much on the objective pursuit of their goals, they ignore ideas or feelings of others, because they’re not comfortable when emotional intimacy is required. They need to learn to accept the personal, subjective parts of themselves in order to connect with others – preventing isolation & loneliness.

Not waiting to get enough info before jumping into action, they can miss opportunities not already part of their plans. It would help to accept that they can’t control every outcome, no matter how hard they work – not everything fits rational principles – by acting on things they can legitimately be in charge of.

ESTJ Relationships
enjoy interacting with others, take relationships seriously & want to fulfill your roles responsibly. Partners & friends experience you as conscientious & dependable

• Thrive in any that are: steady & predictable (More…)
• As a Friend, you’re the one who takes the lead & makes sure everyone is getting their work done • Angry when: someone publicly humiliates you

• ESTJ parent, & child of ESTJ, ESTJ child

Still single because: you give off control-freak vibes
• Unhealthy behavior: Running way from hearing “I love you” for the first time

Show interest by: Being attentive, & an ‘ultra’ listener
Show Love: You handle practical matters for them, share useful info & advice
• You want to hear: I listen to you

• You’re attractive/sexy because: You have a commanding presence, seem strong, secure & in control. People wish they could handle things thrown at them the way you can. It’s hard to miss you with all that confidence.

• You should date someone who: can let you take charge, but also can stand up to you & put you in your place when you get too head-strong

• To attract you, someone needs to:  Have excellent hygiene, & constantly tell you you’re right.

• Some famous ESTJs: Presidents Truman, G.W. Bush & LBJ, actors Bette Davis, Barbara Stanwyck, Frank Sinatra, Rev. Billy Graham, Judge Judy, Ann Coulter (More….)






SITEEach MBTI type as enemy




ESTP – ENTREPRENEUR / Doer / Persuader

Most FUN  – “Adrenalin junkie”
3.0% females, 5.6% males

GOAL: To win. 
ESTPs are adaptable & action-oriented, focused on immediate results, who like to take a practical approach to problem-solving that will produce immediate results.  They apply common sense & experience to problems, quickly analyzing what’s wrong, & then fixing it, often in an inventive or resourceful way. Living in the here-and-now, they’re risk-takers who live fast-paced, traveling the world. They tend to be bored by abstract theories, impatient with long explanations, & learn best through doing. 

They have great people-skills – friendly, outgoing straight-shooters, & extremely loyal to their peers. Are good at picking up on little clues about others’ personalities & feelings, & can motivate others by bringing energy into situations. They’re not usually respectful of laws & rules if they get in the way of getting things done. ESTPs leap before they look, fixing their mistakes as they go rather than being idle, but prepare contingencies & escape clauses.

ESTPs are: charming, confident, crude, fearless, logical, spontaneous, trustworthy, unconventional. And not all are obsessed with sex. 

Surprising to some, ESTPs value book-smarts & often enjoy conversing with Rational types. They may not grasp ‘heady’ concepts as easily (nor apply them responsibly), but they find philosophical topics stimulating – just another piece of equipment in life’s big playground. While they’re naturally persuasive, they’re not usually interested in corporate & political arenas where they could thrive. Ladder-climbing in organizations doesn’t appeal to them – in fact, many ESTPs cringe at the very idea, so they rarely pursue those career tracks.

Life’s Purpose:  DOing when others don’t
• Their Law: “You shall always live in the moment!”
• They Comfort others by saying: Alright…..So you’re sad. Why is that?

• They say: I get more from first-hand experience than from study. Rules are made to be broken – so watch me break them! Life’s either a daring adventure or nothing at all
Communication: They’ll talk whether someone likes it or not – look out world. They should stop talking about nothing.

• Weaknesses:
 Defiant, insensitive, impulsive, impatient, misses big picture, risk-prone, unstructured, contradicting themselves
Manipulate: Mess others around because – one day they’re hung-ho about a life-changing project or promise, then lose interest in it the next day

• Paradoxes: (Un-developed ESTP) Knows they shouldn’t, & do it anyway. Bold & undependable. Think they’re funny, &/but only to those who are like them
Judge people: on their ‘smarts’  • Fear: Of commitment
Are Judged for: not taking life seriously

Become STRESSED from situations shown in the illustration
Under stress they act first, figure things out later. They deal with problems & frustrations by going after more & more external stimulation & adventure (similar to EnneaType 7s). When disappointed or restless, they think it’s time to re-create their (lagging or previous) successful public persona. They either find a new audience to charm, or resort to some grand gesture to reinforce their image & make them feel desirable/popular again (Ennea #3)

However, internally they suffer from a deep sense of emptiness, so intimacy becomes almost impossible, as they get increasingly detached from true emotional connections. As stress mounts, they get more agitated, chronically anxious, distracted & paranoid, but overactive, frivolous & too concerned with people’s opinions of them.

• Hate: Asking for help – it makes them feel stupid. Authority. Conventional or monotonous situations. Over-sensitive people. Constantly being asked how they feel about things. Forced to ‘tone it down’. Limits. Stupid people. When someone wants a heart-to-heart talk just as they’re ready to go out for some fun

• Don’t argue with ESTPs when they’re holding: The door open for you
• Never: Dominate them.  • Never tell them: Nothing you do is very impressive

Advice: Keep your promises, or don’t make them at all.
ESTPs tend to have trouble managing their time, so they can lose interest in long, complex projects. Being so focused on immediate problems will lead to ignoring long-term ongoing issues. They live for excitement!, being the life of the party, thriving on adrenaline!  However, periodically taking some time to shut out the world – & writing down all their adventures – could help to create much-needed balance.

Many ESTPs are uncomfortable focusing on, exploring & talking about relationships. They need to take time to consider their true priorities, & to realize the effect their choices have on others around them. When they take responsibility for their actions & acknowledge their importance in a larger context, they become more stable, reliable, & emotionally honest.

ESTP Relationships (More….)
truly love life, immersing yourself in it. Partners & friends experience you as adventurous but also pragmatic

• Thrive in any that are: fun & easy-going (More….)
• As a Friend, you’re the one obsessed with that one thing, & will. not. stop. talking. about it!
• Annoyed when: someone never wants to go outside

ESTP parent, & child of ESTP, ESTP child

Still single because: it’s your choice
• Unhealthy behavior: Cheating

Show interest by: Being awkward
Show love: You’re attentive to their comfort, will motivate & boost their courage
• You want to hear: I’m excited with you

• You’re attractive/sexy because: Something about your down-to-earth, hands-on style is tantalizing – you ooze ‘tactile’. It’s hard to resist your passion & will-power

You should DATE someone who: won’t take your occasional stream of b.s. Who’s intelligent & can stand up to your know-it-all attitude. Who can keep you from taking too many risks, but lets you be yourself, & can also keep you excited

• To attract you (men?), someone needs to: Act sweet, wide-eyed, impressed with everything they do. Their ego will respond well to your fuel.

FAMOUS ESTPs: Donald Trump, cowboy Roy Rodgers, actors Eddie Murphy, Madonna, Bruce Willis, Biblical Jacob (OT) & Peter (NT) (More….)


Mental Health DON’Ts – Emotional (Part 1b)

Screen Shot 2016-07-03 at 1.37.13 AM 

is easy – and fun!


SITE: Physiology and Biology of Mental Toughness


REMINDER: To be Mentally/ Emotionally well we need to develop the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent (UNIT). What the “Don’ts” represent are characteristics of our damage, run by our WIC (Damaged Child) & PP  (Introject) – but can be corrected.
Understanding the specifics of our childhood traumas helps to accept the reality that we can’tJust do it’ or ‘Just let go’. All of Recovery is a process – for everyone.
ALSO, each of us will have our own specific issues that are definitely more deeply ingrained than others & will therefore take longer to heal. Some will never go away, but can be diminished greatly, & we can learn to manage them whenever they do surface.

🔸EHP Don’t thrive on chaos
Successful people simplify life. They know that having as much order as possible in all parts of their life allows then to accomplish their goals, & not have to waste time looking for things or dealing with emotional drama.happy/sad

🔸EHP Don’t try to be happy all the time
One of the coping mechanisms for ACoA is the try to be ‘UP’ or ‘positive’ all the time. This usually applies to the Hero (Toxic Role) or the “Good girl/boy” false persona. This is as unrealistic as being miserable all the time. It’s just another way to deny having a wide range of emotions. For every ACoA, no matter our style, our underlying emotion is fear/terror. So we try to feel safe before we can truly be happy.

No one is happy all the time. Feeling peaceful & content – a day at a time – does not mean having no complaints, dislikes or distress. EHP don’t try to avoid painful emotions but incorporate them in an effort to be whole, to honor their True Self. They know that happiness, victory & fulfillment are a wonderful, valuable part of life, but not the whole story.

🔸EHP learn from their ‘mistakes’ & correct distorted thinking, so avoid repeating harmful patterns. This may include making amends to others (8th & 9th Steps) & forgiving themselves for ignorant or stubborn adherence to their Toxic Rules, so they no longer have to obsess about what happened in the past. EHP know this takes time & need patience & perseverance to always be moving forward, no matter how slowly. One 12-Step slogan says: “Look back but don’t starelive in the present”.
Some benefits from thinking about the past can be: identifying the lessons, considering facts not just emotions, & looking at PPT from a new perspective.

🔸EHP Don’t violate / sacrifice personal values
Each of us have more than one value system – what we were taught by our family, by our religion, our early social environment, AND what we develop in ourselves from our Core Truth. Some of these may overlap, some may not. The problem for ACoAs is that we are either not allowed to find out what we truly believe, or more often have been so brainwashed by our toxic upbringing that we’re not allowed to live according to our personal beliefs even if we know what they are. (Core Values lists)

🔸EHP have figured out what they consider important – even essential – to their identity, for themselves & in relation to the rest of the world. A value is a belief, a mission, or a philosophy that is meaningful but not always conscious – as many are taken for granted. They know that their personal Core Values are not automatically the same as that of other people or institutions, & they don’t try to impose them on others.

They do NOT value the impossible, like perfectionism, eternal human love, fairness…. They know everyone falls short sometimes, so they get back on the horse when they don’t live up to their ideals, & are also patient & forgiving to others then they also fall short. (MORE….)

NEXT: MENTAL health Don’ts, 1c

Mental Health DON’Ts – Emotional (Part 1a)

live wellLIVING WELL
is the best revenge!

PREVIOUS: Psych Disorders #6

SITE: 10 Things (physically) Healthy People do differently

SOURCE: Composite of many lists, including Amy Morin’s “13 things Mentally Strong people Don’t Do.” – about being in charge of our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.)


🔸EHP Don’t Avoid Alone-Time
Many ACoAs are addicted to relationships & to staying busy, no matter how unsatisfying or damaging. They always need to be with or around someone, rescuing others or creating chaos, running away from themselves or desperate to hang on. They never seem to slow down enough to feel emotions, evaluate their motives or stop self-defeating behaviors.

ACoAs in Recovery often say they don’t know what to do with unstructured hours – because it’s for just themselves. They feel depressed, too lonely, can’t decide what to do, aren’t allowed to have fun or relax….. wasting precious weekends or holidays, & then go back to their rat-race. Even those of us who are highly accomplished & talented are motivated by fear, rather than self-esteem.

But EHP treasure time by themselves – to reflect, plan ahead, have alone timefun, be creative, do something not related to their work-life, OR just rest! And there are times when it’s truly necessary to pull back in order to allow internal healing, but it’s not endless.

They don’t need others to give them a direction or make them feel OK. They can be happy with others, but also happy alone. Strong people are comfortable with their thoughts & emotions, & when stressed they know how to comfort themselves. They know that changing their routine or ‘vegging’ is crucial to mental & physical health. They know that play is part of a well-balanced life, so don’t need to be constantly ‘producing’ something to validate their existence.

🔸EHP Don’t Feel Pessimistic
ACoAs are more likely to see themselves (S-H), others & the world from a negative point of view (paranoia & hopelessness). The adults we grew up with either ignored us or were judgmental of everyone & everything, so we took on the same perspective. This meant ignoring all the positive things available in life, including the good things that we have experienced.

🔸 EHP generally feel optimistic about their lives & their futures, without ignoring stresses or hoping for magic outcomes. They don’t let temporary difficulties or unimportant annoyances get them down – at least not for long. They know that obstacles are part of life, making an effort to solve whatever they can & accepting what they can’t change (Serenity  Prayer – backwards??).feel positive
They don’t focus on their weaknesses – while still acknowledging them. No one can be perfect, so they don’t waste time trying. Instead they continue working on improving themselves rather than feeling defeated.

🔸EHP Don’t Feel Sorry for Themselves
There’s a difference between feeling sorry for ourselves & healthy compassion for all we’ve been thru. The Victim’s outlook on life is that they can’t function because of being abused. While their childhood trauma was real, as adults they refuse to work on healing those wounds, which would improve their present & future. Their ‘position’ is that as long as they’re ‘incapacitated’ someone else will have to take care of them. If no one does, they stay helpless.

🔸EHP compassionately acknowledge past distress, while fully accepting the unfair & painful truth that they’re responsible for cleaning up the PMES mess their unhealthy family created.  compassionThey’re able to emerge from trying circumstances with self-awareness & self-respect, even appreciating lessons learned. When things don’t go well In the present, they find realistic ways to manage, get the support they need, & believe in their worth – no matter what.

They ALSO know OK to feel sorry for one’s self briefly from time to time, especially after an event that’s out of their control. It’s important to lick their wounds & regroup & regain strength, before moving on. EHP have gratitude for their positive qualities & the good thing they already have.

NEXT: EHP – Part 1b

COMMUNICATION Categories – Ways (Part 6)

to be listening to me!

PREVIOUS: Comm categories #5


CATEGORIZING Communication (Comm) cont.
6a. Re. Mechanical Networks  /// 6b. Re. Human Networks  

7. Re. WAYS to ENGAGE in comm
Level 1: Messages into the Ether
Snail mail, email & texting have some things in common. They’re sent out, & a response can sometimes take days or weeks. Since they’re not conversational (back & forth) there can be a high level of misunderstanding, possibly leading to hurt feelings, even fights.

Level 2: Back & forth Messaging
It’s conversational, but still done remotely (IM, text….). Such exchanges are more casual & direct, so confusion is less likely, since one or both can catch distortions or misses with each reply.
However, its bite-size style means it’s not well-suited to discussing complex issues.

Level 3: A Verbal Dialogue
Here participants get to express their opinions directly, plus adding a whole layer of implied info via Para-language. These can hint at excitement, pleasure, peacefulness OR annoyance, frustration, stress…. that are harder to detect in writing. A drawback is that they often require scheduling, but sometimes things need to be cleared up quickly via phone.

Level 4: In-Person Spontaneous Discussion
When something important comes up unexpectedly, we might decide to seek out the others person for a conversation. Spontaneous discussions can be  effective for problem-solving, getting an immediate need met or making a plan. Benefits come from adding a new level of mutual understanding & co-operation. But it doesn’t always work – discomfort with spontaneity, lack of privacy, the other person being too busy or not in the mood…. can get in the way.

Level 5: In-Person Scheduled Discussion
What makes this level special is the mutual agreement to set aside time.
Planning does not have to make the meeting Formal, but gives both parties time to think about the topic. Successful & dynamic interactions come from combining self-awareness, non-verbal intelligence & privacy, to ensure comfort & trust. (From )

VALUE: Observing admired leaders, we can see that good comm. judgment is very important to their success.
For example, knowing what
can be done at Level 2, versus what must be done Level 5 – & doing it – is a sign of sound leadership instinct, as well as knowing what to expect in personal relationships.

8. Re. PMES Categories
: Talking about anything of mutual interest – news, sports, weather…. It’s superficial but truly useful, allowing us to function among strangers without burdening them with TMI about our life.  It also helps determine whether someone is neutral, a potential friend or enemy

MENTAL: Talking about facts, helpful tips, ideas, non-controversial beliefs, plans & strategies, as in professional conversations. Unfortunately, some people go out of their way to be the ‘best’ at it, so that no one is smarter, wittier or more knowledgeable, & they never have to be wrong.

The distance between the first two levels is relatively short. Polite conversation can turn into a mentally stimulating one very quickly & then collapse back into small talk or none at all – without discomfort. Except for conversations with a controlling know-it-all, these two levels are safe.

EMOTIONAL: Here talk is about aspirations, fears, wants, needs & joys. Sometimes eyes well up, lips quiver, & the voice chokes. Other times those same eyes light up, heart pounds & words flow with joy, or fail from awe.

• The distance between #1 & 2 AND #3 is rather wide, because #3 requires intimacy, transparency, trust & vulnerability. Most of us are afraid of being wrong or looking foolish, & absolutely terrified of rejection.
Participating at this level opens us to possible rejection, hurt & being scarred. Over-all, this level is easier for women to navigate, partly expressing emotions is more socially acceptable, & because a portion of women’s Corpus Callosum is thicker than men’s, perhaps allowing more access across the hemispheres emotions to be verbalized  (MORE….)

SPIRITUAL. This is the hardest to identify & describe, not only because our culture is so secular, but because few people are willing to drop down into the level of faith – for themselves – much less to speak of it to others.
It melts away push-pull, give-take win-lose, me-you. There are no distortions from emotional mental or social games, allowing for the highest level of resonance, creating an energetic embrace that sustains & heals.

‼️ Understanding all these forms of comm allows us to identify & then choose which is most appropriate for any given situation.
It can be too easy to go down the path of least resistance, but that can get us into trouble, so it’s important to be more thoughtful about how & when we communicate.
It’s better to do it the right way – focusing on our goals & using whichever level will help us get there.

NEXT: Psych Disorders #1