SITEs: Each MBTI type at their Best




– EXECUTIVE / Supervisor / Overseer

Most FORCEFUL  – “That boss”
• 11.2% males, 6.3% females

GOAL: To execute.  
ESTJs are realistic, matter-of-fact, take-charge types. They usually have a definite vision of how things should be – easily stepping into leadership roles. They honor traditions & laws, with a clear set of standards & beliefs,  highly valuing honesty, dedication, dignity & security.

They’re practical & organized, putting a lot of effort into all they do. They excel at getting projects & people to their goals, as well as handling routine details. ESTJs are not interested in theories or abstractions unless they have practical applications.

Living in a present world of facts & concrete needs, many are likely to be athletic. As the loyal “Good citizen” they constantly scan the environment to make sure everything’s running smoothly & systematically. They use their understanding of what’s right, wrong & socially acceptable – to bring families & communities together.  (More….)

ESTJs are: anal, fair, determined, efficient, opinionated, productive, responsible, sociable, traditional. And not all are complainers.

Most of them aren’t actually self-righteous. If they are, it’s only toward their family, mainly from insecurity rather than because they think they’ve made the best decisions for everyone they love. In fact, when someone close to them makes life-choices different from their own, they secretly worry that maybe they should have taken a different route in their own life. Out of the SJ types (Sensing-Judging), they’re probably the worst at teamwork.

• Life’s Purpose: Bringing direction to the leaderless
• Their Law: You shall never make excuses for your incompetence
• They ‘Comfort’ others by saying: What the @#$% are feelings & why do you feel that way anyway??

• They say: I’ve written the rules down, & made copies for every one. I like to see things done correctly. Good order is the foundation of all things. Business before pleasure!
Communication: The ESTJ will tell someone if they’re making them angry. Please. Stop. They should stop talking about how nobody listens to them.

• Weaknesses: Inflexible, judgmental, stubborn, trouble expressing emotions, trouble relaxing, too dependent on structure / trouble with unconventional situations, too subjective
Manipulate: Push their will or idea by preaching about something 20 different ways to make sure others really get it

• Paradox: (Un-developed ESTJ) Orderly & unchanging (rigid: won’t allow whining in a hospital)
Judge people by: How competent they are
Are judged for: being too bossy  • Fear: Of uncertainty

Become STRESSED from situations shown in the illustration
Under stress, ESTJs can too easily become domineering & inflexible, with an “Do exactly as I say….or else!” attitude. They’ll see others as ‘too sensitive’ & weak, so assume it’s time to take control & set things right, Impose their viewpoint on everything & everyone, they’ll be convinced their logic is the only valid standard.
Ironically they’ll also be hypersensitive & emotionally reactive (rather than proactive). They crave personal contact & affection, but are unwilling to let emotions show, taking it as the weakness they despise in others. (Similar to lower-level Enneagram 8s).
They accuse others of being corrupt, subjective & disrespectful, justifying their self-righteous anger. As the pressure becomes intolerable, they let out frustration inappropriately: bursts of rage, intense controlling, impulsive actions, addictions

• Hate: Anyone constantly goofing off, being disrespected or ignored, disorder, others making dumb jokes – or just crying. Forced to be emotionally open. Not in control of their life. Anyone showing up very late to a planned meeting, & telling the ESTJ they just ‘lost track of time’.  Asking for Help, because it makes them feel incompetent

• Don’t argue with ESTJs when they’re holding: A frying pan
• Never: Underestimate them.  • Never tell them: You’re not good enough

• Advice: Don’t expect everyone to be the same or try to make them be like you! 
ESTJs are very much a been-there-done-that type. In boring situations why not use the time to quietly plan something interesting? Always giving too much of themselves to their tasks, it would be good for them to occasionally forget about work & people – taking time to actually live in their life, letting each second slow to a halt to drink in their surroundings.

Focusing too much on the objective pursuit of their goals, they ignore ideas or feelings of others, because they’re not comfortable when emotional intimacy is required. They need to learn to accept the personal, subjective parts of themselves in order to connect with others – preventing isolation & loneliness.

Not waiting to get enough info before jumping into action, they can miss opportunities not already part of their plans. It would help to accept that they can’t control every outcome, no matter how hard they work – not everything fits rational principles – by acting on things they can legitimately be in charge of.

ESTJ Relationships
enjoy interacting with others, take relationships seriously & want to fulfill your roles responsibly. Partners & friends experience you as conscientious & dependable

• Thrive in any that are: steady & predictable (More…)
• As a Friend, you’re the one who takes the lead & makes sure everyone is getting their work done • Angry when: someone publicly humiliates you

• ESTJ parent, & child of ESTJ, ESTJ child

Still single because: you give off control-freak vibes
• Unhealthy behavior: Running way from hearing “I love you” for the first time

Show interest by: Being attentive, & an ‘ultra’ listener
Show Love: You handle practical matters for them, share useful info & advice
• You want to hear: I listen to you

• You’re attractive/sexy because: You have a commanding presence, seem strong, secure & in control. People wish they could handle things thrown at them the way you can. It’s hard to miss you with all that confidence.

• You should date someone who: can let you take charge, but also can stand up to you & put you in your place when you get too head-strong

• To attract you, someone needs to:  Have excellent hygiene, & constantly tell you you’re right.

• Some famous ESTJs: Presidents Truman, G.W. Bush & LBJ, actors Bette Davis, Barbara Stanwyck, Frank Sinatra, Rev. Billy Graham, Judge Judy, Ann Coulter (More….)


ACoAs being “RIGHT” (Part 3a)

everyone else is worthless!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#2)

SITE: 38 (
unhealthy) Ways to Win an Argument w/chart

• ‘The art of being right” = some of those 38 ways explained

▶︎ Right = A belief or action conforming to facts or truth. What is most favorable or desired
❖ Self-righteous = Convinced of one’s own righteousness (being perfect, therefore superior, even when well-hidden from most others), especially in stark contrast to the actions & beliefs of others. Being narrow-mindedly, moralistic. ~ Webster’s dictionary

REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA addicted to Being Right (aBR)
PAST: We suffered thru an abusive, controlling & neglected upbringing, Constantly forced to give up our way of thinking, doing or feeling around a Right-ist – we reacted as kids by fighting, fleeing, freezing or appeasing, (see Part 1) depending on our personal preference, which became our long-term style.
In general, being flooded with fear & anger temporarily diminishes the capacity to use the frontal cortex, which is needed for thinking, decision-making & self-control. Over time this has had long-term physical & mental consequences. As childhood victims of a Right-ist, we gradually became less able to express ourselves, seemingly less competent & articulate (brain-freeze). We may have seemed stupid, making the bullying Right-ist even more convinced of their superiority.

• With some oppressive authority figures, BR was dangerous because it showed them up & was considered ‘arrogant’, slowly forming our belief that we don’t know anything

• With others, a way to survive & avoid punishment was to always get it right, prove it without mistakes & to justify ourselves – forming the assumption that we must know everything.

🚦Double bind: Some of us were constantly told we were ignorant / stupid / unteachable – while at the same time expected to take care of them as if we were adults trained in several professions!

NOW: Always having to be right can be used as a protective cover, giving us a sense of stability & control. Projecting our scary childhood onto the whole world, we assume everything is still & forever unsafe, thus the assumption we need to be perfect – to prevent further danger.  Still desperate to please so we won’t keep getting abandoned, we wobble on the fence between these 2 false beliefs (know everything, know nothing), inevitably falling off, inevitably feeling miserable. This original dilemma has left us with rage & S-H, alternating between rebellion & paralysis.

• Many grew up with one or more severe narcissist – who always had to have their way. Then some of us took up the Right-ist mantle & carry it forward, tromping on others as we were tromped on. (See Right-ist characteristics – Part 2)

— SUBTLE but pervasive – perfectionism is aBR in disguise. We can keep this obsession better hidden, but the obvious result is decades of procrastination

— BLATANT: Wanting & insisting on getting our own way – most or all of the time – is the narcissism of the False Self, a common character flaw of wounded people (the majority!). We will push & push to get others to see that our way is the not only correct – but the only possibility.

As ‘dedicated’ Right-ists we negate or prevent input from others, no matter how logical. We’re so caught up in this defensive strategy that we’ll argue our point endlessly, trying to manipulate everyone in our life, even other people’s thoughts – especially in situations that are truly & totally beyond our control, such as with the active addicts we love (See “The Serenity Prayer backwards“)

• Feeling superior (aBR), we may not even realize our anxiety is temporarily relieved when we get our way: “I knew I was right! Now that you’ve got that straight, we can go on.” It calms us – our security blanket in our unsafe world. But it’s a false solution because our damage is still lurking in the background, waiting for someone or something to set it off. Unhealed, we’re driven by old, deep terror.

• But like any addiction, having to BR is very stressful – always vigilant, afraid to make a mistake, never truly safe, never comfortable.
While outside it shows up in the form of false pride – the need to feel important or better than everyone else, inside it’s driven by inadequacy & shame – which we may not even be aware of! Especially if we need to be seen as innocent, good & all-knowing, we’ll use charm & manipulation, alternating with anger & intimidation to force our agenda on others.

However, all we end up doing is alienating others by being high maintenance, or taking psychological prisoners of the insecure. In the process we sacrifice our own well-being.

NEXT:  Being right #3b

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 5)

pointing finger

I’m not the ‘crazy’ on

PREVIOUS: Scapegoating #4

SITEScapegoating in Families-What We Need to Know

QUOTE: “Most of the time, victims sense that their attacker is a threat, but ignore this inner knowing.” from The Gift of Fear ~ Gavin De Becker, Criminologist

5. Scapegoat-ING ADULT  (towards a parent, boss, mate, adult-child….)

Just las in Double Binds, scapegoating can be called “enemy behavior against an innocent & helpless victim”, because the real source of the abuser’s frustration is
• at themselves, but denying S-H
• at someone else who’s not available to be attacked
• someone in their life who’s unsafe to confront

Their frustration is projected on to others (Thoughts) & then acted out (Behavior), usually a person or group without supporters or otherwise can’t protect themselves.  Even if others observe the abuse, they rarely want to get involved, so the victim stays unprotected & alone.

HABITUAL scapegoaters are irritatingly smug, managing to convince themselves that the way they’re treating the Sc is somehow justified. But behind the facade, they’re actually miserable, extremely dissatisfied with themselves & life in general. It’s expressed as hostility – at the least punitive, at the worst sadistic.

Just like double-binders, they raise themselves up by lowering another person, getting narcissistic satisfaction from being controlling, & some from torturing the Sc. Scapegoating is their self-righteous discharge of aggression, which momentarily frees them from a little of their own S-H & inner powerlessness

Narcissists (Ns being overt, & Co-deps because they’re covert Ns) generally blame their bad behavior – addictions, emotional immaturity, volatility, cruelty – on other people or things (partnersangry-father-scolding-son, children, the weather, the ‘system’….)
They’re master fantasists – no one is better than an N for looking directly at another person & only seeing who they want/need that person to be

EXP: When a N parent considers their child, they see many things: a source of narcissistic supply, an ally or obstacle to their lust for personal power, a string of intolerable annoyances, the inconvenience of the child’s emotions & needs, unwanted personal limitations, someone to rescue & take care of them or to take their frustrations out on…. BUT never the actual child.

Scapegoaters’ main characteristics are cowardice, dishonesty, egotism, immaturity, pride, self-righteousness & weak character, with Borderline, Narcissistic or Histrionic Personality Disorders.
They live through a manufactured looking-good public image they desperately need. ANY truth-telling child or other adult who challenges it risks destroying everything, so they have to be stopped at all costs!

• Scapegoaters are not in touch with most of their emotions, rarely knowing how full of hate they really are. They just feel dissatisfied & frustrated, while ‘blissfully’ unaware of the original source of their hurt & resulting ragecenteroftheuniverse

• Since self-deception is a major trait, the Perpetrator’s (P) drive to displace & transfer responsibility away from themselves may not be totally conscious, which makes it easy to cut off any guilt or shame, & deny what they’re doing.
But even if they do become aware of the actual cause of their unhappiness, they can’t or won’t direct their anger where it truly belongs – usually their original family

• To deal with their deep anxiety, scapegoaters will rationalize that this specific victim \ group is somehow responsible for their frustration.
A perfect candidate can be anyone who reminds them of the person who originally injured them (parents or parent-figures). They look for someone who’s not socially confident, is emotionally over-reactive, anxious & self-hating – which makes them an easy target

• Often the main scapegoater (parent, spouse, teacher….) has a good social standing in their community, & some power. Naturally they don’t want to lose either one – at any price. If the Perpetrator consciously knows the victim is innocent, they may increase the attacks, to keep their house-of-cards standing, & keep the upper hand
Assistant scapegoaters will also add to the fire, to stay in the P’s good graces, & to never admit they’ve been gullible – being manipulated into blaming the innocent

• In milder cases, occasional scapegoaters can be anyone temporarily angry & dissatisfied, who uses this tactic as a relief valve. If they’re not too damaged they will experience some shame & guilt afterwards, & pull back.

NEXT: ACoAs being Scapegoated (Part 6)