IF I’M NOT RIGHT,
then who am I?
PREVIOUS: Being Right (# 2)
SITE: Addicted to being right
QUOTE: “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” Isaac Asimov
⬅ “ARROGANT BOSS” by DMT
🟧 WHAT’S WRONG With Being ‘Right’?
Unhealthy (mild): The narcissist in us (& every ACoA has one) will think or say “If I can see this so clearly, why in the world can’t you? // If I can do that task, what’s your problem? // If I love that, I assume you will too. If not, why not?!”
This attitude makes no sense at all. Even identical twins are different in some fundamental ways. One person is not automatically better or more correct than another – just different. (See “Symbiosis & ACoAs #3“)
Addicted to being right (aBR)
NOTE: This character defect (cognitive distortion) applies to those adults we grew up with, AND to those of us who have copied them, as well as anyone we’re ‘stuck to’ as adults who is like that
A Closed System – The state of a person or thing being isolated from its surrounding environment.
ONE: This applies to anyone so rigid in their opinions that they can’t let in anything which differs from their own determined ‘correctness’
TWO: 2 people, a Dominant (D) & a Submissive (S) personality, who interact in an ongoing feedback loop, constantly exchanging limited, often distorted, info – characterized by coercion/compliance, co-dependence, sameness & symbiosis
Such a system discourages a feeling of concern, equality, or desire to change in the D, & disallows autonomy, questioning, rocking the boat, separateness, speaking up or taking a stand – for the S. (MORE….)
GROUPS: (family, academia, church… )
Such groups discourage change, differences, disrupting the status quo, equality, independence, objecting, questioning, or taking a stand.
They tends to promote factions, gossip, immaturity, repression, secrets & triangulation. It makes members reactive & anxious, even if this is hidden from each other. They don’t feel safe to question or disagree, for fear of disapproval, punishment or rejection. (MORE…)
🔒 At the extreme ‘right’ we find the ‘Right-ists’.
● RIGHT-ists are in a world of their own, extremely self-absorbed & arrogant – which makes most others frustrated & angry when having to deal with them. To them, the accuracy or importance of whatever point they’re pushing is not as relevant as their need to be agreed with. Their rigid thinking is used in a power struggle to bring everyone else to their knees – psychologically, mentally & emotionally.
NOTE: Some right-ists camouflage their compulsion by seeming concerned for others’ well-being, sounding reasonable or just giving ‘helpful’ suggestions. But all the while they’re trying to control their environment – to make it conform to their world-view.
One hint: they consistently make suggestions, give advice & offer help – unsolicited & often unwanted by others. DO NOT be taken in by the presentation. If your own opinions & needs are often or always ignored or over-ruled – you’re dealing with a sneak-narcissist.
EXP: When ranting about anything she thinks is wrong – with a person or in the world – one woman heads off any logic, comment or disagreement from her long-suffering husband with the command: “Just say YES!”
Sadly, unhealed insecure co-dependents have a tendency to attach themselves to such narcissists, believing that being told what think & feel is a way of being taken care of (loved). NOT!
Re. SELF. THEY:
• need the world to revolve around them
• are rigid & controlling, so they don’t work well with others
• lack empathy, have no patience with others & are often snide
• experience opposing or simply different opinions as a direct threat to their sense of well-being
• can become quite aggressive in order to eliminate the threat to their (secret or unconscious) weak self-image
Re. OTHERS. THEY:
• can’t imagine that other people actually have different needs & opinions from their own (NPD = “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”)
• may push their good info from ‘good intentions’, without considering that they’re boundary invading, discrediting another’s process & being arrogant (“others NEED me”)
• alienate others without realizing it, OR of they do, they’re puzzled as
to why, & then assume it’s the other person’s fault
• regard other people’s ideas or viewpoints as inferior or worthless, often losing out on wonderful opportunities & relationships
• can end up isolated & deprived of love, affection, companionship…. unless they find a passive person who uses the ‘Right-ist’ to think for them!
NEXT: Being Right (Part 3a)
2 thoughts on “ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 2)”
I like the way you say ‘the narcissist in us’ as if that is not the total picture, but one that needs to be acknowledged nevertheless. If I focus too much on my own narcissism, it drags me further and further into myself. When I can say, ‘the part of me that is narcissistic….’ there is a little bit of separation and room for movement.
Exactly. Remember that the N part is the wounded child (WIC) and/or the Introject (Bad Parent), & we also have a healthy child, an Adult & hopefully are growing a Loving Parent voice.