isolation

MBTI : INTROVERSION – Intro (Part 1)

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PREVIOUS: E/I Anatomy #2

SITE: MBTI historical info

BOOK: “Introvert Guide to Self-love” – by Luna & Sol


NOTE: Introversion is NOT isolation.
Dr. Carl Jung identified it as an “attitude type” (inborn), observing that Introversion & Extroversion are both healthy variations in personality style. (See earlier posts)

DEF: Introverts (Is) are both energized & rested by drawing energy from their own thoughts & feelings, comfortable with solitary activities, & so place less emphasis on ‘people skills’ & talking. They perform well in analytical roles that require focus & logic.

Based on Jonathan Cheek’s research, there are 4 styles of Introversion:
• Social: Prefer to stay at home with quiet activities, or hang out with a few close friends instead of events with lots of strangers (NOT shyness)
• Thinking: Very introspective, thoughtful & self-reflective, highly creative, often daydreamers with a rich imagination. Occasionally don’t mind a busy social scene
• Reserved: Operate at a slower pace, think before acting, careful decision-makers & take time to start things

• Anxious: Not confident in social settings, often worried about what could go wrong (projecting). Painful shy around others, especially strangers or with new people. Nor does the anxiety always go away when they’re alone, because later they obsess about how they ‘failed’

EDITORIAL: Since Is are naturally wired a specific way, the last type may actually be one of the other 3, but wounded in childhood. Introversion does not by itself cause dysfunction!

Interesting: Researchers discovered that Introverted participants who acted like Es – when taking cognitive tests – had slower reaction times than Is who were being themselves. The effort & time they wasted trying to be something they’re not naturally wired for – was distracting & depleting. This especially applies to Is having to fake it for a long time. They can give themselves the freedom to be the way they’re ‘built’, even if the rest of the world keeps trying to mold them into Es.

Misleading: Many illustrations & cartoons portray Is as awkward, misfits, fearful & unfriendly – all signs of emotional damage. Es often judge Is as isolators, but that’s caused by FoA, S-H & lack of Bs, not Introversion.
In fact – it’s not unusual for Is to be gregarious, helpful, charming, warm & prodigious talkers. It’s just that they need more alone-time than Es to recover from all that expended energy
)👁 👁(
Using the O.C.E.A.N inventory, National Institute on Aging researchers Paul Costa & Robert McCrae expanded on the Big 5 characteristics, to include 6 facets within each dimension.
Introverts high on:
1. Activity Level – like to take it easy, are laid back & react slowly as situations develop
2. Assertiveness – let others lead the way, stay in the background & keep their opinions to themselves. Really don’t like to be pushy or demanding

3. Excitement – need peace & quiet, perfectly happy with daily routines. They make better roommates or neighbors since they prefer a steady, quiet lifestyle
4. Gregariousness – are friendly but do just fine by themselves, avoid crowds, preferring quiet activities such as reading or reviewing their day

5. Positive emotion – are usually content without show it outwardly. They’re not as likely to express strong emotions, but feel them deeply
6. Warmth – are hard to get to know at first, & can feel uncomfortable around people they don’t know well. They hold back in social situations, waiting to be approached, but may be the most interesting ones around

ACoAs
Most Introverts (Is) were not accepted by family, school & friends, the majority of whom are Es & think typical Is are weird or disobedient. But if only someone had understood their basic traits & been willing to accept & encourage them, it would have fostered self-esteem & made life much easier.

Now we can use this info helps us better understand & accept our mates, friends, bosses…., but especially ourselves, so we can treat our WIC with greater clarity & compassion. And anyone who has an internally oriented son or daughter can help them flourish, no matter what age

• CHARTS : Illustrations That Are All Too Real For Is
posted by Anna Borges on BuzzFeed (8/12/15)

 

 

NEXT:  Introverts = Intro #2

Anger – Negative USES (Part 2)

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anger at selfPREVIOUS: Negative use of anger #1

 

SITE:  “PFC & Mirror Neurons: The Arena of Shen & Hun?” (scroll way down) From Chinese medicine

 

NEGATIVE uses of Anger (cont.)

Toward SELF
Over-ATTENTION – a negative way to be seen, heard, respected, feared…
FALSE POWER – that lets you to think / feel like you’re totally in charge of Self, others & life in general, when you’re actually NOT
ISOLATION – withdrawn, from being so angry at the way people are – disappointing, hurtful, thoughtless, unavailable….without having heathy ways to interact (“The whole world sucks, so I’m not participating”)

Toward OTHERS
ATTACK– display of anger used as a weapon, but not necessarily actually feeling angry : to intimidate, punish, destroy someone’s self-image, shock into submission (bosses, salesmen, cops, cult leaders….)

COERCE – use your position of power to dominate, force someone to back down, be quiet, do only what you want – against their will…. Bullies only win if they appear powerful AND the other side’s options are limited

CONTROL
• keep trying to get someone to change for you (be what you want or think you need)
• to mange or change how some else ‘feels’
• to get your own way about something, at another’s expense
• to make someone feel guilty so you don’t have to be responsible

DEFENSE against:
• being abandoned (“if I keep finding fault & being angry at you, I can leave first”)
• others’ emotions, which can trigger Es you don’t want to feel, also against someone’s FEAR, which makes you feel scared too
DEMEAN another to feel one-up or less vulnerable : make fun of, dismiss, degrade, insult, roll one’s eyes, shame, mimic….

DISTANCE: prevent others from getting too close, in general
• avoid  1-to-1 physical &/or emotional intimacy
• as false boundaries / walls to protect your vulnerable inner self
• to block someone trying to communication

Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.54 PMDIVERT / deflect someone’s attention away from:
• a sensitive / painful topic
• information you wants to hide
• facts you don’t want to hear
• situations you can’t handle or want to escape
• a personal weakness or limitation

ENTITLED
Getting away with inappropriate anger creates & then reinforces a false sense of entitlement —> An illusory feeling of moral superiority that can be used to justify rude, arrogant, immoral actions, with the belief that the “end justifies the means” (bullying, collateral damage, domestic abuse, prejudice, purges, terrorism…)

MANIPULATE – keep people off-balance, even when not really angry,
• so you don’t have to do what they want, (but won’t admit it)
• can’t give them what they want (afraid to say NO)
• stop them from expecting or demanding something of you
• deflect their anger at you

PROJECTION
Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.43 PM• of your abusive/neglectful parents on to others, OR
• projecting only negative outcomes into the future – about something you want or is important to you, but assume you won’t get
PUNISH / revenge : as payback for real or imagined injury

SEPARATION
• always starting a fight before leach time you leave a lover
• inappropriate way to separate or be left behind (cover FoA)
• destroy other people’s boundaries (need for symbiosis)
SUPPRESS
• deny practical & realistic needs of another – so you don’t have to deal with or provide them
• ‘stop’ others expressing their emotions (“Don’t cry!”) – so they don’t trigger your own vulnerability, OR
• because you believe you have to fix them but don’t know how & don’t really want to!

INTERESTING: In Chinese medicine, Emotions are considered large movements of energy which override the Qi’s usual flow through the body’s channels.  The 5 movements of energy are: Anger, Fear, Grief, Joy, Meditation

ANGER energy gets pushed out in a jagged way, disturbing the Liver, whose job is to lift energy up to the Swood elementpirit, at the center of the SHENG cycle

• Used in Acupuncture, this cycle represents creativity, generation & production, Each element feeds Qi to the one on its right, clockwise – creating the next one, as a mother creates a child. (Scroll to 5 element chart)  / ALSO: “Applying the 5 elements”

EXP: LIVER = Wood transforms (by burning) into HEART = Fire.
Wood is the Element of determination, anger & assertion. It produces the creative urge to achieve – which can turn to anger when frustrated.
Wood-anger, expressed aggressively, can also come from not feeling in control of life events.

NEXT: Positive Uses of Anger, #1

ACoAs: OVER-Controlling Ourselves (Part 6)

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frustration I WORK SO HARD TO BE GOOD – why isn’t my life any better?

PREVIOUS: Over-controlling Ourselves #5

SITE: The Truth about Power

CONSEQUENCES of OVER-CONTROL (cont)
1. Unsupported
2. Illusions

3. Always the Outsider – it’s ironic that even when attending 12-step meeting of ‘like-minded’ people, we still feel like we don’t belong!  When we’re emotionally over-controlled (O-C) :
• it keeps a wall up between us & others, especially against those who already have a genuine capacity to ‘see’ & accept us

• we gravitate toward ‘people, places & things’ (PPT) which simply don’t suit our needs, goals, or personality. We stay even when we’re angry & unhappy there – insuring that we don’t fit in or feel a part of things

• we don’t stay long enough or go deep enough with others so they can get to know us & show us the good things they’re able to provide
• we do & say inappropriate or obnoxious things that are likely to put people off & make them withdraw, especially if things are going too well with them, for too long (even a week or month!)

4. Envy & Jealousy – emotions considered ‘negative’ that have to be O-C :
Envy is about 2 people : “I envy you for having such great hair, an advanced degree….”, ie. wanting something we don’t have
Jealousy involves 3 or more : “I’m jealous that he has so many friends”, ie. wanting a relationship someone else has
OR
“She pays more attention to her friends than to me”, ie. trying to hang on to someone or something we don’t want to lose.
BOTH emotions come from believing we are powerless to get what we want & need in life, not necessarily the thing others have, exactly – just that they have the right to get their need me, like good things, & we don’t

• We may deny being O-C, yet often covet what others are or have. What gives it away is the rage we feel at certain kinds of people or situations! We say ‘those people’ are ‘entitled’, with a sneer in our voice because:
— we think they’re unfairly lucky – having a family, a decent relationship, a good job, lots of friends… & hate them for what we don’t have permission to get for ourselves

— OR we call them brats, selfish, arrogant …. because they don’t hold back the way we do. Perhaps they are, and/or we just wish we had some of that confidence to do & say what we’ve always wanted to, but aren’t allowed!

ACoA deprivation is always about the BIG A – abandonment. Family taught us we couldn’t have our needs, so we won’t let ourselves either. The WIC says it’s so-o unfair, but we keep on ‘following the rules” & depriving ourself!

5. Isolation – Without boundaries our WIC uses isolation to protect itself. Being O-C can cut us off :
— from various emotions (anger, sorrow, sexuality, competitiveness… )
— from many of our good qualities or potential talents (artistic abilities, generosity, patience….)
AND
— prevents others from benefiting from these valuable parts of ourselves, because:
• we’re afraid of getting stepped on, manipulated, used, boundary invaded, left…. if we’re open & available
• we’re afraid of getting sucked into taking care of others, or not being able to get away from someone we don’t like because of our co-dependence or passivity, so we’d rather not engage at all

• we don’t want anyone to find out how weak, damaged, vulnerable, dumb, needy … we really are (everything S-H tells us) — AND
• we’re sure we’re doing the world a service by withdrawing, to protect them from our rage! We may not admit to that feeling, but isolation is a sure sign we’re worried about it at some deep level & are trying to keep the lid on.

BOOK:  “BARGAINS with FATE”, taken from Shakespeare’s plays. Dr. Bernard I. Paris describes the Detached / Resigned character, whose only goal is safety via total ‘freedom’.
BARGIN: “If I ask nothing of others, try for nothing, expect nothing …. then no one will bother me & I won’t fail or get disappointed” – their Reward. What’s suppressed is their aggressive side.   (SEE all 5 on the ACoA website)

NEXT:  Price for ever-control #1