ACoAS being SCAPEGOATED (Part 4)

 

IT’S IMPERATIVE I GET 
that I am NOT bad, stupid or weak!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs being Scapegoated (#3)

 

 

 

4. CONSEQUENCES for the SCAPEGOAT

🌊 To survive, Scapegoats (Sc) had to build a wall around the toxic family’s shadow energies they were forced to swallow, hiding the origin of the abuse. Even so, now the least little emotional ‘bump’ is felt as an extreme pain when an event touches any old wound they haven’t yet learned to process & contain.

Common symptoms are academic failure, delinquency, drug / alcohol abuse, depressions, rages, PTSD, stress-related ADD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sexual acting out/pregnancy….. especially in teens, & can continue for many years into adulthood.

abuse S-H

Sc carry psychological & emotional scars. They may not start out with a mental illness (although some ACoA Sc are predisposed because of parental alcoholism & depression), but are highly likely to develop one or more – after years of being subjected to abuse.

a. The WIC in every Sc automatically assumes they can’t cope with their intense emotions (fear, anger, sadness…)
— & so are often crippled by them in the form of anxiety, -while-
— those who can’t consciously admit they were the family victim mistakenly believe they should not be in so much distress, because to them being ‘normal’ means not being ‘upset or unhappy’.

b. To compensate for being rejected by ‘loved ones’, some Sc cover it up by feeling omnipotent, seeing themselves as the ‘chosen one’ (which they are – but in a very sick way) for having the ‘special strength’ to carry the guilt & misery of others – their way of keeping the family together!

These adult Sc live in the grandiose belief that “I can do everything for everyone who needs me”, while resenting others for not providing them with their own un-spoken needs! They feel cut off from the rest of human experience for having suffered ‘more’ than anyone else, but also superior & above it all!

As the designated Scapegoat, YOU:
• blame yourself for the original abuse, & look for rational reasons for the way you were treated, BUT
• have developed a lack of trust & deep resentment against the world, while maintaining self-hate & hopelessness

• feel worthless, ugly, stupid, incompetent AND crazy!
• live out the negative messages heaped on you as a kid, which prevented self-esteem – by not developing your potential, getting into harmful & unfulfilling relationships, letting abusers walk all over you…..

• may struggle academically & avoid opportunities which include competition – not from lack of intelligence, but from Toxic Rules (CDs)
• OR try to prove your worth by becoming an over-achiever, often to the detriment of you true needs & dreams
YOU:
• feel overburdened, at the edge, marginalized, but still responsible for the tribe’s shadow side (clean up others’ messes, soothe anger in a group, ‘keep an eye’ on everything, listening to others dump, put out ‘fires’….)

• feel misunderstood & burned out, BUT duty-bound, noble, virtuous, self-sacrificing, AND
• are inevitably fueled by the accusing internalized voice (PP) & Self-Hate disapproving of yourself & others, & then scapegoating a child of your own
• feel a lot of shame for being ‘the bad guy’, but also rage at being blamed for the family’s dysfunction
• are desperate to find acceptance but can’t hear complements or absorb caring when it’s available, finding life almost impossible to manage, SO —

• tend to look for acceptance outside of yourself, making you vulnerable to manipulating individuals & groups who thrive on taking advantage.
EXP: Religious cults, criminal organizations, & violent or sexual predators lure their victims by initially offering validation to Sc, who want to belong, but have not learned to recognize users & abusers (underlying similarities to their family)

GROWTH: It can take Sc half a lifetime (30s & up) to get the right information that put the pieces of the puzzle together. Once they realize that all the blame & slander they’ve endured came from the very people who were supposed to love them the most on this earth, they often decide to cut interactions.
★ This may be to avoid dealing with the truth, OR because they’ve developed enough emotional strength & support to stop putting themselves in harm’s way.

NEXT: ACoAs – being Scapegoated (Part 6a)

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 1)

scapegoat 1I’M NO GOOD FOR NOTHING!
is what they all tell me

PREVIOUS:

 Enneagram Flaws in us all – Type 9.

SITE: Scapegoating– An Insidious Family Pattern of Blame & Shame of One Family Member

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

QUOTE: “The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.” ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

NOTE: Being scapegoated is similar but not quite the same as the Toxic Family Role of Scapegoat. In both cases the child is abused by everyone.
The main differences is that :
• the ROLE is usually the second-born, sometimes the oldest boy as ‘Rebel’, & is something the child takes on in order to protect the family, WHILE
• in Scapegoating, an adult chooses which child is to be abused – made to carry the burden of family’s PMES dysfunctions so the parents don’t have to admit & deal with their own damage

1. ORIGINS: “The Scapegoat motif began centuries ago as a part of the sacrificial dynamic with a sacrificial goatgod or gods.  Once a year in a ceremony, the members of a tribe or village would write down their sins on a ribbon which was tied around a goat’s neck.

The goat was then burned as a sacrifice, or sent away into the wilderness. Either way, the Scapegoat carried off the ‘sins’ of the village with it, leaving them forgiven & cleansed.” (MORE…)

DEF: In a twisted version of this ancient religious practice, present-day Scapegoating is a form of bullying, a hostile social/ psychological torture started in childhood, which —
• wrongly combines cause & effect (child = problems), where someone moves blame & responsibility (T) away from themselves & on to a target person or group
• is an aggressive practice, where angry & hostile feelings (E) are projected onto others, via inappropriate accusations

Another way of saying it is: Scapegoating is the practice of singling out someone for undeserved negative treatment – the deliberate projection* of blame & guilt onto another person or group so the scapegoater can remain seemingly righteous, ‘good’ & guilt free.
The victim may be an adult, sibling, child, employee, peer, ethnic or religious group or country. Also called Whipping boy, Fall guy, Patsy, Designated Patient, Sacrificial Lamb

*Projection: (NOT Projecting) A defense mechanism in which
= person/ group A’s unacceptable thoughts, needs & emotions are unconsciously assumed to belong only to person/ group B,
= who is then accused of & punished for causing all of A’s problems.

A’s unhealthy Ego says: “What I can’t stand about myself I’ll totally hate about you (B). So I have to attack you for it in order to deny that I have the same quality”.
🌀 🌀 🌀
2. Scapegoating FAMILYScreen Shot 2015-11-22 at 10.36.15 PM
As the world becomes ‘all one place’, people no longer have the luxury of ‘casting out’ what we aren’t willing to acknowledge about ourselves. Besides, even if we wanted to, there are few wilderness places left in the world to do that.

So we turn on each other. The original purpose of this ritual is re-worked in the dysfunctional family ‘tribe‘ by adults heaping their collective sins on one of their members, then driving them away – if not literally – then by alienating them from everyone else’s affection.

👎🏽 The rest of the tribe can then point to the chosen black-sheep & proudly proclaim that they are not like him/her, allowing the family to look very good to outsiders, compared to the ‘bad’ one. Thus the Scapegoat is sacrificed for ‘the good of the family’ – likely to be chosen unconsciously, but for specific reasons. (in Part 3)

◆ The use of force against another person is always a form of scapegoating, & damages self-esteem in children. Often an insecure parent will be more aggressive with one of their offspring, to vent his/her own frustrations. Elizabeth A. Kaspar tells us that aggressiveness can show up as being:
• rude & humiliating, (“What do you mean, you aren’t going to do it?”)
• self-righteous (“I am only insisting on this for your own good.”)
• manipulative (“If you refuse, you’ll let everyone down”)

NEXT: ACoAs being Scapegoated (Part 2)

Anger – Negative USES (Part 2)

anger at self 

PREVIOUS: Negative use of anger #1

 



SITE:  PFC & Mirror Neurons: The Arena of Shen & Hun?” (scroll way down) From Chinese medicine

 

NEGATIVE uses of Anger (cont.)

Toward SELF
ISOLATION – being so angry at the way people are – disappointing, hurtful, thoughtless, unavailable…. (“The whole world sucks, so I’m not participating”)
FALSE POWER, to let you feel like you’re in charge of Self, others & life in general, when you’re actually NOT
ATTENTION – a negative way to be seen, heard, respected, feared….

Toward OTHERS
ATTACKING – display of anger used as a weapon, but not necessarily actually feeling angry: to intimidate, punish, destroy someone’s self-image, shock into submission

COERCION – use your position of power to dominate, force someone to back down, be quiet, do only what you want – against their will…. Bullies only win if they appear powerful AND the other side’s options are limited

CONTROLLING
• to mange or change how some else ‘feels’
• to get your own way about something, at another’s expense
• to make someone feel guilty so you don’t have to
• keep trying to get someone to change for you (be what you want / think you need)

DEFENSE against:
• being abandoned (“if I keep finding fault & being angry at you, I can leave first”)
• others’ emotions, which can trigger Es you don’t want to feel / also against someone’s FEAR, which makes you feel scared too
DEMEANING another to feel one-up or less vulnerable : make fun of, dismiss, degrade, insult, roll one’s eyes, shame, mimic….

DISTANCE: prevent others from getting too close, as false boundaries put up walls to protect your vulnerable inner self • to block communication
• to avoid physical &/or emotional intimacy
Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.54 PMDIVERSION / deflecting someone’s attention away from:
• a sensitive / painful topic
• information you wants to hide
• a situations you can’t handle or wants to escape
• a personal weakness or limitation

ENTITLEMENT
Getting away with inappropriate anger creates & then reinforces a false sense of entitlement, an illusory feeling of moral superiority that can be used to justify immoral actions, with the belief that the “end justifies the means” (bullying, collateral damage, domestic abuse, prejudice, purges, terrorism…)
MANIPULATION – keep people off-balance, even if you’re not really angry,
• so you don’t have to do what they want, (but won’t admit it)
• can’t give them what they want (afraid to say so)
• stop them from demanding something of you
• deflect their anger at you

PROJECTION
Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.11.43 PM• of your abusive/neglectful parents onto others OR
• projecting only negative outcomes into the future , about something you want or is important to you, but assume you won’t get
PUNISHMENT / revenge, as payback for real or imagined injury

SEPARATION

• inappropriate way to separate (cover FoA)
• always starting a fight before leaving
• destroy other people’s boundaries (need for symbiosis)
SUPPRESSION
• practical needs of another – so you don’t have to deal with or provide them
• emotions of others – so they don’t trigger your own vulnerability, or believe you have to fix them (don’t know how & don’t really want to!)

INTERESTING: In Chinese medicine, Emotions are considered large movements of energy which override the Qi’s usual flow through the body’s channels.  The 5 movements of energy are: Anger, Fear, Grief, Joy, Meditation

ANGER energy gets pushed out in a jagged way, disturbing the Liver, whose job is to lift energy up to the Swood elementpirit, at the center of the SHENG cycle

• Used in Acupuncture, this cycle represents creativity, generation & production, each of the 5 elements feeding Qi to the one on its right, clockwise – creating that next one, as a mother creates a child. (Scroll to 5 element chart)  / ALSO: “Applying the 5 elements

EXP
: LIVER = Wood transforms (by burning) into HEART = Fire.
Wood is the Element of determination, anger & assertion. It produces the creative urge to achieve – which can turn to anger when frustrated. Wood-anger, expressed aggressively, can also come from not feeling in control of life events.

NEXT: New Template

ACoAs & PROJECTING (not Projection) (#1)

projecting 

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!
or it will any minute now!

PREVIOUS: Book Suggestions

SITEs: “Mistakes of projecting your future” (AlcoholicsFriend.com)
• “Negative Risk (threat) & Positive Risk (opportunity)”
“You should Visualize Positive & Negative Outcomes More”

DEF: PROJECTING (a CD=cognitive distortion) – Imagining one or more bad / painful / disastrous things will always & inevitably happen in the future, in general or re. a specific person or situation (victim mentality / ‘learned helplessness’ / scapegoat)

NOTE: This is not the same as correctly knowing who someone or some situation actually is, & what to expect of them.
EXP: “My whole life my mom has said mean or insensitive to me or about me. She’s never changed, so I know any time I talk to her in the future it will be the same.”

❎ SIDEBAR
Projecting is NOT the same as Projection – a defense mechanism (via Freud), in which a person:
a. Re. US – When we unconsciously rejects one or more unacceptable qualities we have – or believe we have – AND attributes that same quality to another person, animal or situation. Often the other does not have that quality.
It’s inevitable that In some cases projection will result in false accusations.
Everyone Else’s Fault?…..” //  Don’t Project Your … Inadequacy Onto Others

EXP: “I can’t trust anyone because everyone lies” (deny being a liar)
“I know she hates me” (deny our own self-hate OR that we hate that person)
VARIATIONS:
• Complementary = assume others think or feel the same way we do about things
• Complimentary = assume others can do the same thing  – as well as OR in the same way – as we can
📌These are both expressions of narcissistic thinking (you & I are “one” – the WIC’s desperate desire for a symbiotic connection) (MORE…..)

b. Re. FAMILY – Attributes actual negative characteristics of their dysfunctional family members on to others, who may not have those characteristics.
EXP: My father was a mean abusive drunk, therefore all men are bad / dangerous
“All authorities are evil ^out to such me”

✳️ Back to PROJECTING
In BIZ: Positive OR Negative scenarios

In business it’s called forecasting, looking at all possible outcomes based on previous performance.
Projections are not budgets, rather “big picture, what if” exercises, done at a higher level of abstraction, ie context (See “D.Binds #3a“), with a ‘what is hoped for’ & “what could be” perspective.
NOTICE – a savvy business plan always includes 3 major possibilities. CHART

For ACoAs – However, most of us almost never project that things will work out, that we’ll be happy, that we’ll get what we asked for, that our relationships will be beneficial, that we’ll get the job we want…. No-o-o-o!
We assume the worst – only projecting negative outcomes – pain, disappointment, suffering, disaster.

▶️ The exceptions are the severe narcissists (& active addicts) who only project ‘positive’ possibilities, which often are simply pie-in-the-sky schemes which never come true, because either they don’t have the skill & inner motivation to make it happen, it’s a stupid idea, or not actually do-able.

WHY assume negatively? BECAUSE :
a. our childhood was filled with endless suffering & deprivation, so that’s our template for rdisaster forecasteality, becoming our world view  (POSTS: “Information & the Brain – How we learn“)

SCIENCE –Brain’s Negative Bias  : “The brain reacts more strongly to stimuli it deems negative, with a greater surge in electrical activity….. historically. our very survival depended on dodging danger. The brain developed systems that make it unavoidable for us not to notice danger & thus, hopefully, respond to it…..

b. we have unconsciously, but consistently been reproducing that original chaos & abandonment in our adult life. (Repetition Compulsion).
Unfortunately, it’s the WIC’s way of staying loyal to the family system, even though it was harmful to our parents & continues to harm us

PSYCH – Bad is stronger than good ….Many kinds of trauma produce severe & lasting effects on behavior, but there is no corresponding concept of a positive event that can have similarly strong, lasting effects……”

NEXT: Projecting #2

Enneagram – Type ‘DEFECTS‘ (Part 3c)

Vices 3cI WANT EVERYTHING TO BE EASY
so I don’t have to work on myself

PREVIOUS: Type Vices (4,5,6)

 


TYPE 7 – The ENTHUSIAST
(also 6w7 & 8w7, somewhat)
FEAR : of being deprived & trapped in pain, so avoid dedicating themselves to a person or situation, over-stimulate themselves & always live in the future
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be excited”

WEAKNESS : Reject any hint of seeing or admitting to the serious & painful sides of life – optimism is the ONLY option. Insist on putting off committing to anything, never ‘sitting still’
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Rationalize’ away uncomfortable experiences by re-framing them as ‘not a problem’, or denying responsibility for their part in it. They avoid suffering, hanging on to the self-image of being OK

HIDE from others: “I’m not as happy as I appear to be.”
Gluttony / greed causes 7s to use their charm, humor & liveliness to ensure they’ll always have more than enough of the good things in life. They struggle to hold the facade of happiness & fun, while also feeling anxiety, doubt, disappointment & sadness – like everyone elseenthusiast

PROJECTION: Experience others as boring, dull, joyless, modest, negative, overly serious, pessimistic, restricted & unimaginative.
7s think it’s up to them to make everything great, insure others are happy & imagine an optimistic future, see the good in things, & give others something to laugh about

MANIPULATE by: distracting & entertaining others & being upbeat – so they can get their way, insisting that others meet their demands for pleasant stimulation & satisfaction (narcissism)
Create CONFLICT by: being demanding, distracted, escapist, excessive,
impatient, irresponsible, over-extended, restless, scattered, thrill-seeking

✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 8 – The CHALLENGER (also 7w8 & 9w8, somewhat)
FEAR: of being harmed & controlled, & so are aggressively dominant, forcing their agenda & desires on others
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be powerful”

WEAKNESS : Are resentful & angry if they feel at all defenseless, or believe someone is out to get them / take advantage. Insist on always being in charge
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Denial’ – re-direct energy by strength of will to controlling their environment, to maintain a self-image of being strong

HIDE from others: “I’m not as powerful or in control as I appear to be.”
Lust & craving makes 8s seek power, or at least the appearance of it. Believe they need to run everything, that without authority & respect – from everyone – they won’t be able to protect themselves by impacting their environmentdominant/bossy

PROJECTION: Others are seen as ambivalent, bleeding hearts, naive, needy, overly dependent, phony, sentimental, unfair, weak.
So it’s up to 8s to right all injustice, give others a dose of reality, protect & toughen others up

MANIPULATE by: throwing their weight around, bluff, make big gestures, dominate, demanding that others do as they say
Create CONFLICT by: being bad-tempered, blunt, confrontational, cynical, defiant, forceful, pushy, rageful, vengeful, willful

✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 9 – The PEACEMAKER (also 8w9 & 1w9, somewhat)
FEAR: of loss of love & being abandoned, so they avoid being assertive, expressing their ideas or taking self-directed action
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be peaceful,”

WEAKNESS : Ignore things that need their attention – completely, or procrastinate until the last-minute. Insist on not noticing problematic issues and on staying neutral in unpleasant interactions with others
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Narcotization’ – to avoid conflict & keep a self-image of being comfortable or harmonious.
They get lulled into an emotional coma, deadened to uncomfortable reality by adjusting / molding themselves to fit other people’s desires or demands​

HIDE from others: “I’m not as agreeable as I appear to be.”
Indifference keeps 9s from voicing any disagreement. They take the easy way out, avoiding discussion rather than face dissension. They hide their own desires, afraid of being disliked if they make too many (any) demands, or if their needs are different than those around thempeacemaker

PROJECTION: Others are seen as aggressive, conflicted, demanding, excluding, frantic, inconsistent and pushy.
9s think it’s up to them to pacify the world, bring everyone together, calm them down & make others lower their expectations.
Also, they avoid their own plans & desires, & then project that others
ignore them, don’t take them seriously & consider their plans & dreams unimportant

MANIPULATE by: ‘opting out’, resisting others, being indecisive or inattentive, & passive-aggressive
Create CONFLICT by: being complacent, emotionally unavailable, ineffectual, resigned, stubborn, unaware of their own anger, unrealistic.

NEXT: Enneagram STRENGTHS (Part 1)

MIND READING vs. Intuition (Part 1a)

mind-readingIS IT REAL OR…..
am I just projecting?

PREVIOUS: Healthy RISK

POSTS: Symbiosis & ACoAs
• “How ACoAs Abandon Others”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


1. MIND-READING (M-R)

a. OFFICIAL Meaning
This is one of the many Cognitive Distortions (CDs) that plague ACoA & alcoholic thinking:  “… an arbitrary conclusion that someone is thinking or reacting negatively to you, without any real evidence… often going contrary to what the other person actually says or does, almost always pessimistic…”

• This CD is a projection of our WIC’s self-hate or the critical voice of our Negative Introject (PP).  It is a form of narcissism, which makes the WIC conclude we are the same as the other person, so — if I think & feel a certain way, so will you!

Wikipedia: Psychological projection** is a defense mechanism whereby a person unconsciously denies their own attributes, thoughts & emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world (the weather, other people….)
It reduces anxiety by allowing a way to express unwanted / unacceptable unconscious impulses or desires, without the conscious mind recognizing those needs & wishes

**NOTE: It’s not the same as Projecting

🦠 Mind-reading is completely about us – notmindreading
about the person or group we’re referring to.
Because of that, we insure staying disconnected from the rest of humanity, which reinforces our sense of alienation.  ACoAs are notorious for believing ‘We don’t belong anywhere’, even when in a room full of other ACoAs!

M-R comes from:
• knowing from experience that our parents did not love us unconditionally & so assume everyone else will feel the same towards us
• growing up in families where emotional & mental honesty was missing, so we had to guess at what others were thinking or feeling
AND
• our fear of separateness – if we ‘know’ what someone is thinking then we’re permanently joined (symbiotic), to stave off the bitter loneliness of the WIC
• needing to protect ourselves at all times from the ‘dangerous’ world
AND
• not being taught how to gather info correctly, we make up things. We’re not allowed to ask AND assume we won’t get the truth anyway
• trying to figure out how to behave (if I “know” what you’re thinking I can adjust my actions accordingly)

SO OUR:
✧ S-H becomes “Nobody likes me”
✧ FoA becomes “She would never spend time with me”
✧ paranoia becomes “I know they’re talking about me”
✧ fear of rejection becomes “She’ll too busy to help me”
✧ perfectionism becomes “They all thought my _____ was awful”
✧ lack of boundaries becomes “The boss expects me to be just like her!”

Me, me, me!  It completely erases others, as if they didn’t have separate identities, minds of their own OR had other things to think about besides us!

EXP: Paul sits anxiously in a 12-step meeting, raising his hand but not getting called on.  He’s convinced the speaker is deliberately avoiding him – “he must not want to hear what I have to say… he doesn’t like me… he thinks he’s better than me…”, so Paul sits & fumes.angry guy

Reality: If Paul had asked the speaker about this, he would have been told: “I’m sorry, I saw your hand, but just didn’t get to you.  It’s so hard to pick – you want to include everyone, but there’s just not enough time.”

EXP: If your therapist yawns or seems distracted – you assume he / she is bored with you.
Or if you get invited to a dinner party, you’re sure they only invited you along to make up the seating numbers.

Reality: you’re therapist was up all nite with a sick child or writing their blog! & you were invited to dinner because the hostess likes you & knows you’ll be a great addition!

NEXT: MIND-READING vs Intuition – 1b

What Others Think of Me is None of My Business (#1)

 

LONELY CREATURES
We’re all social animals, but also need privacy

PREVIOUS: Safe & Unsafe People

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

NOTE: Many people in the mental health field, spiritual practices & new-age wisdom say we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us. Yes, OK, but it’s not that simple! What they don’t tell you is that there’s 2 different aspects, the negative & the positive.

1. DAMAGE (ACoA version) – anyone with limited self-esteem / S-H, there’s always the assumption that other people don’t like us – it’s our default position & hard to let go of.  And that has 2 parts too! Doesn’t everything?  AH, Dualism!  I can’t help it – I’m a 22/4 with an 8 Destiny. I see both sides – ‘now’. 🙂 Anyway…

a. Awkward (a “drip”? —>)akward
• If we’re obnoxious, angry, childish, clingy, lazy, needy, selfish, un-groomed, or say lots of dumb things – OR just full of negativity & self-doubt, then most people will not like us!

• If we care, these problems can be worked on, if we have the courage & right kind of help to willing to deal with the pain, sadness & fear that’s at the root all our ‘shortcomings’

• If we don’t care, or the resistance is too great to get past, the external signs & internal causes never get corrected. A great loss for us as individual & to society, but each has their own path.

b. Isolators: Some ACoAs (this is not about Extroverts / Introverts)
isolate• hide out because of some physical or mental disorder
• but mostly it’s from — Fear, Lack of good Boundaries & Self-hate: wounded souls who need lots of love but aren’t allowed to let it in, even when it’s available. They blame themselves for everything that goes wrong. They ‘don’t belong’

• At the other extreme are those wounded ACoAs who are always angry,   complaining, dissatisfied & think they’re superior. They also push others away & lose out. They have S-H too, but their whole focus is outside of themselves, blaming everyone else for their troubles

c. Acceptable:  Most of us are not social misfits –
• we have an education, jobs, mates, maybe children & some outside interest. YET we think everyone is going to judge us harshly, find out we’re frauds, see  all our flaws… later if not sooner, especially if they get to know usbeing udged
• that’s straightforward Projection onto others of – how our parents treated us & now, our self-judgement

also, it’s Mind-reading (a CD). We’re sure we know what others are thinking – especially about us, & it’s always negative. That’s ACoA grandiosity.  Stay out of other people’s heads!
• Sadly, even when others like us, love, admire & laud us – we have a hard believing it, don’t trust it, get embarrassed, tell them why it’s not true. Yuck!

2. Mental HEALTH  — All humans NEED connections, but in differing amounts.
a. Normal:
Extroverts. (They are 75-80% of the population, at least in the West)
They thrive on the energy absorbed by being around a lot of activity – choices, options, people, events….. even if not interacting with them directly.
PS – these are not energy vampires). Think: a walk in the park on a great spring day alone, when intro/extroeveryone’s out,  or an evening with a bunch of friends, just ‘messing around’. Doesn’t have to be heavy or deep, although that’s good too. Just being ‘part of’ feels great

Introverts need activity too, just in much smaller doses. They’re mostly comfortable one-on-one & in small groups, for short periods. They derive their energy internally, & are overwhelmed by too much external input.

NEXT: What others think…. #2