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RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (cont.)
TOOL 6a. Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A. (cont.)
As we outgrow P-P we can clean out the underlying issue that permeates every part of our life: our Self-Hate, which is blaming ourselves for not getting our needs met. It’s anger/rage at our family turned in on ourselves
Reminder : Healthy, compassionate families, teachers & other leaders guide children with clarity, kindness, patience & humor. They set good examples, teach boundaries & realistic limits, explain the way people & things work, & help each child develop their Natural Self. (Healthy Parenting
That was not our experience. All our childhood emotions, words & actions which were called “too sensitive, disobedient, difficult, selfish, lazy, stupid …..” do not need to be forgiven. Instead, we can look back with sorrow & compassion for what we endured!
SO: The more S-H we clear out, the more we drop P-P, automatically. Rather than struggling with the idea of having to forgive our youthful acting-out & normal child-reactions, we can benefit the most from ACCEPTANCE.
+ + Accept reality: We can let go of the – usually unconscious – twisted belief we may still have, that we’re hopelessly bone-deep failures because we originally:
• failed to be the kind of child who was good enough to have elicited love & approval from our parents
• failed to soothe & heal our parents’ many wounds
• failed to stop them from hurting us, each other & our siblings
++ Accept our child’s narcissism as normal, which made us think we had the power to do any of those things. Not! We can understand why we had those misguided ideas, & correct our thinking now (the CDs), to stop blaming & attacking ourselves for what we believe are inadequacies & deficiencies
++ Accept that the mirroring we got as kids came from cracked mirrors – forcing us to see ourselves thru controlling, cruel, drunk, insensitive, neglectful, raging eyes! What we came to think of as our Self was mainly their sickness projected on to us – which became our Negative Introject. This psychological process – helpful or harmful – happens to every child & is not ‘forgiveness material’. (Parental Mirroring provides child….)
++ Accept that following the Toxic Rules does not & never did keep us safe! No matter how ‘good’, helpful & self-denying we were as kids, we still got the full brunt of our family’s damage!
“I have to obey them” is a lie we tell ourselves so we don’t have to be our True Self & take care of our own needs
++ Accept that as physical adults (not grown-up) we do not neeeed them to be our parents. That’s our job now. We do need a lot of help to heal, but trying to appease & please the original abusers is self-destructive
++ Accept that no matter how much we wish it we can’t go back & change anything. AND we’ll never have the parents / family we always wanted
++ Accept & stop judging ourselves absolutely, totally – for:
— not being perfect // not knowing everything // making mistakes
— being so scared inside // being controlling // nit-picking
— having depression & the need for medication
— procrastinating or never finishing anything… basically opposite of everything on the RIGHTS list
++ Accept that at first we’re going to feel guilt churning in our gut whenever we disobey a Toxic Family Rule, but we will slowly outgrow it. This is ‘good guilt’ – which is for the short-term – because it signals doing something healthy for ourselves which goes against all our original crazy training
The Tibetans have no word for ‘guilty.’ The closest is “Intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”
++ Accept ourselves as valuable Children of God / HP / the Universe, which helps to stop the cruel inner rant (the WIC or PP) – a choice we can implement every day.
The benefits of self-acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to let go – of releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.
NEXT: Self-forgiveness as ADULTS