YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Is it the Pig Parent or the damaged kid?
PREVIOUS: Negative Introject (Part 1)
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
HOW CAN WE TELL when the ‘PP’ Introject is talking?
a. The ‘YOU’ form – when talking to ourselves in a negative, harsh way.
“You should have know better, You know everyone thinks you’re stupid , You could have done more” ….
In this form, our original caretakers can keep us terrified, dependent, dis-empowered – so they won’t lose their grip & fade away. The they wouldn’t get their needs met (thru us), not wanting to do that for themselves. That’s what they need us for!
OR we may only hear:
b. The ‘I’ form – the Wounded Inner Child (WIC) expressing its S-H in response to & fully believing the PP, who’s off stage – but definitely not absent – spewing it’s poison from the wings.
We can only hear it indirectly, as puppet master, when we self-talk in the same judgmental, impatient way they talked to us.
Only now it’s in the first person, the WIC mimicking : “I’m such a looser , I never do anything right , I don’t know how to do things , No one could ever love me”…..
‘b’ is much sneakier:
THEM: By being way in the background it can’t be held accountable – staying off the hot seat, harder to catch as the source of the abuse, which it’ll never admit to anyway, even when we try to confront it!
US: We collude (unconsciously) with it to keep it hidden from ourselves, because we can’t bear to admit how dangerous our ‘loved ones’ were. Now that they’re ‘inside’, we don’t know how to get rid of them.
UNHEALTHY tries at shutting up the PP :
• heavy drinking & drug use, & all other addictions (sex, food, spending, exercise, internet….)
• overworking, endless schooling, career we hate….
• suicide attempts or suicidal behavior (dangerous people & activities)
BTW – Some ACoAs refer to our PP by a name & image that suits its character & our imagination: THE ‘Bat’ we hit ourselves with / ‘Bats’ – parent’s who only call at night when they’re drunk / Vampire / Gorn – from Star Trek / Monster / Mom or Dad / the Shadow…. What’s yours?
PURPOSE of the PP
a. The WIC hangs on to it with a fanatic devotion because it’s the only version of a ‘parent’ it’s ever known. It’s afraid to let go because – as one ACoA screamed in therapy “What will I do without them?”
Slowly replacing it using the UNIT to consistently, lovingly parent ourselves, the WIC will let go, but not quickly or easily!
b. The PP uses it’s convoluted, sadistic power to pour gas on the flame of life’s stresses TO:
• validate its beliefs (T) & actions (A), so it never has to face change
• mask its own FoA by keeping us symbiotically attached.
If we stay convinced their abuse was our fault, we’ll never expel it
POWER of the PP
i. Technically – it’s wired into our brain from birth into deep pathways, by repetition & emotional bonds (the limbic system & frontal cortex). Each groove forms the easiest way electrical energy travels (strongest chemical trace), so it becomes our default setting
AA-ers say “Alcoholics dig their own ruts, then decorate them – making them so comfortable they never want to move out!”
ii. Psychologically – From the WIC
• all children are completely loyal to their parents & their zeitgeist, but ACoAs can’t afford to know how toxic they were. We love & need them, even when we hate them. So we keep protecting them – at our own peril!
• Those original adults taught us to be afraid of the world AND that we are unlovable. Our connection to them is painful, but the world feels even worse, so we won’t ‘leave home’. Convinced no one else will want us &/or they’ll trample us, we stay attached to the PP rather than risk the ‘horror’ of the unknown. (Acceptance, #1)
From the PP – Internalized voices have a life of their own (ego states), made up of our family’s:
• dis-owned emotions (S-H, fear, rage, shame, guilt, loneliness, hopelessness…..) AND
• destructive thoughts, rigid beliefs, irrational opinions (‘stinking thinking’), & occasionally something useful, positive, interesting…..
NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 3)