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&  now I’m left out in the cold

PREVIOUS: “Fear is the Absence of Love”

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


An ACoA CORE ISSUE is the conviction that:
• there’s not enough love in the world – for us
• we don’t have the ability to love, OR
we don’t have enough love to offer others, or go around

EXP: Manda wants to study Veterinary Medicine but hesitates because of a fear-based belief: If she takes care of other animals & gives them her affection, she won’t have enough left over for her own dogs, which she adores (& eventually her children). 💙 NOT true!

LOVE – some observations:
is finally studying it, & Spirituality has always maintained that we can’t live in harmony without it   (definition of LOVE) :
1. Love is first & foremost an emotion, & all emotions are psychic energy generated in the brain, so it has no limits “…love sides inside the very cells of our physical body, hidden away until we learn to access it…”
2. Love is expressed in words & actions – not just “feelings” (bottom of pg 14)

Love can be nourished & enhanced by consistently interacting with positive & joyful ‘people, places & things’ (PPT)
4. Love is a healing force – for mental distress, physical ailments & emotional wounds (re. bi-polar illness) (music album) (Book:”Healing with Love“)

5. Healthy Love includes: good boundaries, a strong sense of worth, mental clarity, a connection to a H.P. & a generous spirit
6. Healthy self-love (a deep sense of value) is created from unconditional acceptance by ourselves & someone important to us

7. Developing healthy self-love allows up to have the inner resources to share with others in a non-toxic way
8. The more we share healthy love with others the more love we get back, so we feel safer & more comfortable in the world, which strengthens our capacity
♥                                         ♥                                           ♥
Where do our fearful, LOVE-LIMITING beliefs come from?
1. FROM THEM: our needy & abusive FAMILY (& often other Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.40.44 PMsources such as school, religion, the community…)
• It’s helpful to remember that the adults we grew up with also had:
✓ active addictions  ✓ cognitive distortions    ✓ emotional problems such as depression, NPD, co-dependence…..
✓ fear of abandonment    ✓ self-hate  …..

• These dysfunctions combined to make our parents very fearful (Es), with a ‘deprivation mentality’ (Ts) & a deep sense of lack (As).  To survive without Recovery for themselves, they used whatever was in their environment to get by – each other, their work, their addictions – but most often they used their children as a source of vitality – like vampires!

a. Our parents (P) being ISOLATED from the outside world:
FoA (fear of Abandonment) – since they never dealt with their own losses, they emotionally & mentally crippled their children to keep us attached & loyal for a lifetime. This was done by neglecting, berating, controlling & belittling us, AND sometimes also over-praising us – for their benefit – all of which prevented the development of legitimate self-esteem

✓ Being “Tight Knit” – Many of our Ps didn’t want us to get involved with others outside the family because it would take us away from focusing on them, but when they socialized, it was at our expense!

Addictions, Shame, Fear of Risk – alcoholic families are typically a closed system – they generally don’t reach out to be of service or help the community, NOR participate in outside activities for fun & PMES nourishment

Narcissism – all Ns feed off of the attention & ‘service’ of others in order to keep their facade in tact (‘Malignant Self-Love’ – Dr. Sam Vaknin, about male narcissists, + Links )

🔻 Children need to FEEL loved. It’s not enough that Parents (Ps) think or say they do. If they ‘show’ it in self-centered ways – even without beatings, molesting or physical torture – they definitely fail to get the message across.

NEXT: Not enough Love? (Part 2)

3 thoughts on “ACoAs: NOT ENOUGH LOVE? (Part 1)

  1. I have been working on dissecting some old ingrained beliefs….this post touched on a few. I have never had an explanation/understanding but the role I felt I served for my parents was that of an occasional source of “entertainment”.

    You refer here to these adults using …”as a source of vitality”. You nailed it here, that dynamic is a true one.

    Isolation – literal and figurative in my childhood as well. My father was a charming engaging man to the world, played pro sports for a time, he was a bit of a legend. This man I did never knew. The one I knew didn’t allow people to our home nor in my lifetime have I met virtually anyone he knew. He kept that separate from us. In terms of controlling – when I first attempted to leave home he presented me with a bill for raising me. He mortgaged my education – I had to sign a “contract” to live in their home until the age of 35 – then I could continue school.

    The joke here is that I was angry, but actually started paying him back!! LOL. It is really interesting to read some of the “whys” you presented for this kind of behavior.

    I couldn’t manage post-bac work but I got myself through college and I did not live with them until 35. I left when he presented me the contract, and interestingly, shortly thereafter when I feebly attempted to assert myself, they “punished me” by ostracizing. I stopped playing by their rules and they were done with me. Literally, decades passed, they finally did too without a word to me.

    I am realizing the extent of their damage and narcissism, its a bit of an epiphany for me. Thank you so much for your posts!

    fyi – My life “after them” has been wonderful, it may sound harsh but never having contact with them was probably the best thing I ever did.

    Best, Kira


  2. Hi Kira,
    After all these years I’m still appalled by what parents do to their own flesh & blood!
    I’m so glad you got away & that you are doing so well.
    And I’m pleased that you’re getting a lot from my writing. Keep in touch!


  3. Excellent information. My parents are
    Classic Ns. One thing I also noticed about him is he is too afraid to hug me or be loved by me. It’s a distorted sex fear.


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