THEY SAY THEY LOVE ME
so why is there a hole in my heart?!
PREVIOUS: “Not enough Love?” #1
Where do our fearful, LOVE-LIMITING beliefs come from? (cont)
a. Parents ISOLATING (see Part 1)
b. Our parents INTERACTING with the world:
▶ Focus – while some parents may have said they loved us, our experience was very different. The real message sent was that we didn’t count very much, leaving us deprived, because they consistently gave their ‘love’ to anything/ anyone but us:
— TO their spouse/ mates, parents, friends, religion, community
— TO their addictions, jobs/ careers, hobbies
— TO one or more of our siblings (dead or alive!)
▶ Looking ‘Good’ – some parents, who also had all the above issues, created a facade for the public which made them seem healthy, even ‘wonderful’ – to others, such as being:
• amusing, friendly & well-liked at work
• respected public figures in their careers
• pious & scholarly in their religious circle
• popular in the local social networks, clubs, groups
• admired for doing community service, helping others in need, generous with their time & possessions …. but at home, with their own children they were abusive, controlling, demanding, raging, insensitive, neglectful, perfectionistic….. which left us very confused, and even more convinced that others were ok but we were unlovable!
EXP: More than one of us had a parent give our toys or clothes away to others kids / families without telling us or considering how betrayed & devastated we would feel, just to make themselves look good!
IF a PARENT:
▪︎ constantly teases or makes jokes at the child’s expense, “all in good fun”
▪︎ doesn’t take the child seriously, belittling any effort, wish or dream
▪︎ ignores, shushes, neglects (not warm, affectionate, responsive)
▪︎ over-controls, watches the child’s every move, always correcting
▪︎ narcissistically treats the child as an extension of themselves, rather than seeing them as a legitimately separate being
▪︎ puts down, verbally harasses, judges, criticizes
▪︎ uses a child as a mate / parent substitute or ‘friend’ (emotional incest), to make themselves feel better, stave off their own abandonment fears, loneliness & self-hate….
…. then that child will be so love-deprived, that not only will they feel unloved for their Core Self, they’ll also conclude they don’t have the capacity to give love either – just like the parents. This creates great anxiety, with the fear of allowing themselves to connect with others.
EXP: While doing FoO work, Jenna had a dream: She’s 3 or 4 yrs old, standing in a big room in front of a huge life-size octopus she knows are both her parents. As their arms undulate towards her she hears their seductive voices: “You’re so beautiful, you’re so smart, you’re so sweet…”
She loves to hear what they’re saying, but knows that if she lets the arms enfold her, the suckers will slowly draw out the vitality of her life energy to nourish themselves. She’s paralyzed – to stay is to die slowly, to run away is to die quickly. Since she’s too little to leave them, the only option she has is to split off her essence & hide it in a ‘gray space’ in her mind – as the arms circle her ….
✶✶ In this dream Jenna saw why she’d been missing the joy of life for so long! Her essential self was wonderfully alive, full of love, beauty & generosity – which her needy parents had been drawing on. Now she was in the process of reconnecting with that essence. It wasn’t gone, just hidden. Now she could reclaim her birthright & shine!
NEXT: Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #1