Psychological DISORDERS – Psychopathy (Part 5a)

are mentally & emotionally dangerous

PREVIOUS: Personality Disorders (Part 4b)

POSTs on Emotional Immaturity 

SITEs: “8 Diversion tactics used by NPDs, PSs & Ss to manipulate you into silence”
• “One in 25 of you is a sociopath”

Sociopathy  – a pervasive & persistent disregard for morals, social norms, and the rights and feelings of others

Psychopathy – characterized by amoral & antisocial behavior, extreme egocentricity, the inability to love, failing to learn from experience….. 

These are both antisocial PDs, at the far end of the spectrum. he FBI identifies them both as sensation-seeking, with predatory behavior, a lack of remorse & the need for control or power over others. There is some debate as to whether they’re fundamentally different or just different in degree of mental illness. While there are overlaps, & psychiatrists often considering them as the same, criminologists treat them differently because of  their outward behavior.

Some Ss & PSs will seem cold, indifferent & mysterious, but not all – because they’re can be very skilled at social camouflage. Around the average, unaware ‘normal’ they can hide in plain sight, like being the perfect neighbor or partner. But it’s all a con job, using fake charm to achieve whatever their goal happens to be in each situation.

• begin to show up around age 15, & may start with cruelty to animals
• can be charming, despite being unable to empathize with others
• don’t feel guilt or remorse
• convincingly seem to show fear or disgust, but lack both
• can have intense emotional outbursts, or be violent
• are completely self-serving & don’t care about putting themselves or others at risk
• disregard laws, social mores, conventions & the rights of others
• some can be treated with medication, & sociopaths perhaps with therapy
(Artwork by Chato Stewart)

Lisa E. Scott’s article “Narcissist or Sociopath? What’s the Difference?”  suggests that Narcissists are a subset of Sociopaths. The following distinction can be useful, altho too simplistic:
“Narcissists see others as a means to validate their existence. The less validating you are, the less useful you are to them.
Sociopaths see others as entertainment. The less entertaining you are, the less useful you are to them.”

NOTE: If someone complains about being abused by a PS or S, they’re not likely to be believed because those types seem to be so friendly – even helpful! HOWEVER – Superficial pleasantness is one of the top criteria for both disorders. Often these anti-social predators will appear nicer, more honest & more interesting than the person they’re abusing!

Shannon Thomas (Salt Lake City therapist) says: “Narcissist, Sociopaths & Psychopaths are notorious for picking targets that initially boost their ego. It could be someone’s appearance, age, intellect, career success, family & friends….
Once the target is hooked, the toxic person sets out to tear down the exact qualities that attracted them to their victim in the first place. It’s entertainment for the abuser to destroy an originally healthy & happy person.”

NOTE: However – co-dep ACoAs make the best targets. Without a strong sense of identity (“I don’t know who I am”), we will look to anyone who initially makes a fuss over us, guides & helps us (controlling) & makes us feel needed. But without Recovery we’re just sitting ducks, manipulated & then thrown away. So we feel abandonment devastation & think: “See I knew I was defective!” ✳️ See how she’s sitting forward & he’s not?!


ORIGIN: Sociopathy can either be congenital (inborn emotional deficiency), or from brain injury or lesions. But most often it’s developed – from a combination of family tree inheritance, the child’s personality makeup, & either very low or very high intelligence. These under-pin negative social factors: a severely destructive early family life, poverty, lack of education, direct exposure to violence to self & others, delinquent peers…..

Continual abuse & neglect harm neurological growth in children, affecting the autonomic nervous system, which results in long-term physical & psychological damage. (MORE..“….abuses scar the brain….)
— S. can be caused by years of  childhood trauma, as well as parental addictions, dissociation, narcissism, …. OR
— S. can be caused by damage in the form of parental over-protection, over-indulgence, lack of boundaries, emotional unavailability….. (More in #5b)

NEXT: Disorders #5b

COMMUNICATION Categories – Focus (Part 3)

get my point across?

PREVIOUS: Dealing with conflict #2

SITE: Chakra art: Turquoise helps Communication

⬆️ Designed & assembled by DMT

QUOTE: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you” ~ Dale Carnegie

CATEGORIES of Communication (Comm) cont.

5. Re. WHO the participants are
a. Intra-personal comm – mental conversations with oneself, silent or out loud. It’s a form of thinking, where we consciously pay attention to certain information, to process & analyze a situation. This strategy is particularly useful when we need to make important life decisions, or deal with a conflict.

EXPs: To-do lists, journals, inventories, assignment notebooks, calendars, any kind of reminder to finish a project, congratulating yourself on a job well done, planning…. and “Positive self-talk” to encourage & improve self-esteem

In biz: An exchange of info among departments. Frequent, in close proximity & only deals with internal issues

b. Inter-personal Comm – only between two people, & is more often face-to-face. It can be impromptu or planned, & its purpose is to share / exchange information, feelings, experiences, plans….
EXPs: Conversation between you & your BFF, a text message from mom, a meeting with a boss or teacher, explaining something to your child…..
SUBDIVIDED into: Assertive (strong but not harsh), Non-assertive (weak, disrespecting self) & Aggressive (angry, hostile). (MORE…..

c. Small Group Com –  takes place within private grouplets or work teams, where everyone is encouraged to participate in discussions. The purpose is to provide info that’s of common interest to the members, or to get the opinions of each participant – to arrive at a decision, solve a problem, plan a project or event, discuss a result….
EXPs:  a family dinner, hanging out with friends, a class discussion, a football huddle or post-game review, executive committee meeting….

d. One-to-Group Com – involves a speaker to inform, persuade or motivate an audience – a spiritual teacher giving a sermon, a candidate giving a campaign speech, a football coach giving a pep talk, a college lecturer….

e. Mass Comone or more people directing a message to a large audience at the same time, often made up of members not in the same location, & who have a wide variety of characteristics. It can be provided electronically such as TV, internet, newspapers, PHS announcements…. 

OR it can be a live event (rock bands, opera in the park, political rallies or protests, Billy Graham Crusade…. in a huge space). In such cases the person(s) on stage needs to have special skills & charisma to hold the audience – voice, posture, phrasing & timing, relevant info, media material, props …. Communications going out to the public can be: making requests to support a cause, to donate time & money, or may offer some benefit, such as – health education, spiritual guidance, emotional release, call to social activism…..

a.   Known to Unknown
Starting from info which the listener already consciously or subconsciously “knows” & accepts, & them moving into a clear explanation of new or unknown info.
Using this order indicates that the speaker understands the other person or group’s real-world experiences, & is going to present possible answers or solutions to deal with the current situation or problem. This helps to form a Yes Set” in the listener’s subconscious, which encourages a tendency to accept that the speaker’s ideas & suggestions are correct,  worth taking seriously, & acting on.

bGeneral to Specific
This approach starts with an overview of the big picture & general category to be discussed. It allows the listener to know what’s being dealt with. Equally important is that it allows for a wide variety of possible items to be included, without identifying which one. EXP: Seating  / Law Suits / Emotions / Cars / Animals (cat, bird, hippo….) …..

Then gradually more details are added, giving the listener time to absorb what’s presented. It’s like gradually moving down a funnel, which limits & curbs the amount of info given at each level.

c. Simple to Complex
This comm. structure is the reverse of Point b. It requires the speaker to fully understand the ‘whole’ as well as its components, in order to lead the listener gradually toward an action goal or understanding of a big ‘concept’ in small increments.

It counters the assumption that the listener already know the issue being discussed. Unless addressing an educated person or group with highly specialized knowledge, it is necessary to describe each part, adding & linking pieces in logical order, building up a picture of the topic.
EXP: It’s not helpful – or fair – to tell a child: “Be good”, without first identifying ‘good’ characteristics & behaviors.  (MORE….)

NEXT: Levels of Comm #4

ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 1)

minor discomfort

to ignore my discomfort!


SITE:  Fill-In Qs – Identify your stressors


Do What’s Comfortable” is one of the many helpful & profound phrases in Al-Anon. This is a useful suggestion, especially as ACoAs tend to live in perpetual dis-comfort (in the “wreckage of the future or in the misery of the past), subjecting ourselves to almost constant physical anxiety & the endless rumination of self-defeating ‘mantras’ (S-H), sometimes called ‘spinning’.

HOWEVER, we are so used to being uncomfortable that we barely notice, thinking it’s ‘normal’, AND believe we have no other option. So this phrase is incomplete, since ACoAs stick to what we know – no matter how bad – & avoid better/healthier/safer things – so we can cling to the connection to our abusive family (refuse to S & I), and so we don’t have to risk being disappointed – yet again!

stress curve

SOME stress in our life is not only inevitable, but also needed in order to gently push us to take actions & grow. As the bell curve shows, there’s the calm state, which is good, & the ‘beneficial’ Eustress, to keep up us alert, motivated & on our toes. But ACoAs typically live in the far right – in various intensities of distress. Too much stress tends to paralyze. While there are plenty of external situations in life which can be aggravating, & many things we are truly powerless over, this post focuses mainly on how we experience & categorize Comfort & Discomfort, negative & positive .

Originally, our harmful life patterns were learned grown up, which we had little or no control over. Now we keep them going :
— because they’re deeply ingrained // to obey family rules
— to avoid deeper painful realizations, anxiety & accumulated terror
— from the belief that we don’t know any better or can’t possibly change.
Still hanging on to them actually comes from the mistaken belief that the way we’ve always thought, felt & acted (T.E.A.) is our actual personality, & therefore no changes can be expected or even attempted. This belief persists even in ‘recovery’ !!

IN REALITY – all ongoing negative behaviors (character defects) are expressions of our False Self, developed in childhood in response to the abuse & neglect of our family & other environmental dysfunctions (baby sitters, neighborhood, school, ‘church’….). Therefore, the main goal of Recovery is to shed as much of this made-up persona as possible, in order to uncover, own & live in the REAL Self we were born into before the damage.

NOTE: Many of the items on the list below also fall into the more severe category of reprogram brainNegative Discomfort in Part 2, (like self-injury, bad relationships, lack of self-care….),
Also, it may seem counter-intuitive that these damaging patterns would be considered comfortable. READ/ review posts “Negative benefits of.…)” & info about how we learns, in posts “CDs — Info & the brainto understand why. What we experienced from birth on is what makes the most sense to our ‘computer’,  which will fight tooth & nail to keep from having to change – as if we’re asking it to destroy itself!

Changing our programming will create great anxiety – at first. So for some time in our efforts to grow it will genuinely feel more comfortable (a great relief) to go back to doing things the old way – no matter how ‘sick’. Unfortunately. But with persistent repetitions of new thinking & actions, that terror will lessen a great anxiety

IRONY: Identifying these dysfunctions as ‘comfortable’, just because they feel ‘natural’, doesn’t mean they promote happiness & calm. While some ACoAs are in such deep denial that these patterns may seem like minor disturbances – from being numb to their long-term consequences – they in fact create endless stress, anxiety, shame, self-hate, frustration, physical & mental illness… all of us, whether acknowledged or not.

NEXT: Negative Discomfort – #2



about what I’m saying

PREVIOUS: Growth for the Scapegoat #3

SITE:Use of Language (Many links re. the meaning of words & phrases)


: We all use short-cuts in daily conversation, which is understandable, but sometimes this can do us a disservice.
There are truisms we take for granted, phrases & sayings we repeat without considering what they really mean. We assume they are correct, & that they apply across the board  (the latter is B & W thinking – a CD).

It is said that the unconscious has no sense of humor & is completely literal. It’s the reason affirmations need to be said in the positive: “I have a right to be happy…. rather than “I don’t want to suffer any more”, and stated as if our goal had already happened; “I am making / have made $100,000 in sales this year”, rather than “I wish I could make….”.

Language is so important, not just to connect well with other people, but mainly to connect with ourselves in the healthiest possible way. The Inner Child is always listening to everything we say to others, & at the same time is listening to the Bad Parent voice shouting or whispering in the background.
It’s up to the UNIT (healthy adult & loving parent) to make sure our language is kind as well as accurate.

In terms of having good mental boundaries, “Accuracy is more important than agreement”. Just because everyone else believes or does something – doesn’t mean we have to. Don’t let others confuse you. Don’t follow the crowd!

☁︎ NOTE: How we use Language is as important in the quest for ‘sanity’ as other factors. The words & phrases we choose either help or hinder our progress.

“I deserve to / You deserve it…..”
The problem is the word ‘deserve’. Sounds OK? Well, in terms of actual meaning, ‘deserve’ refers to something given as a reward for acceptable, special or difficult behavior (as in: “Here is your A+ / medal / Oscar / gold watch… deserve it”). It’s something earned, which is OK, since it’s good to be recognized & honored for accomplishments.

So it’s a YES if you’re rewarded for earning a living, getting a good grade, winning at a sport or climbing a mountain….

BUT it’s a definite NO when speaking of our rights as a person. We’re not supposed to deserve them. They’re ours no matter what. Using ‘deserve’ in the context of personal growth is misguided, because it implies that our worth is based on how much & how well we DO things.

This reinforces our difficult childhood, when we were only acceptable (if at all) based on the condition of how well we conformed to dysfunctional rules, instead of being loved unconditionally for just being here.

So, connecting “I deserve …..” with self-worth is a subtle distortion, disguised as Recovery, which ignores our BE-ing. The implied message is: “Produce or lose!” It sneakily tells us that we have to keep on earning validation & permission to have things which are in fact universal Human needs (love, freedom, respect, identity, guidance, dependability….), & therefore should not have to be struggled for.
This deep-rooted negative assumption is why we keep trying to be perfect & please everyone.

“Well, at least you’re alive, You’ll be just fine, You’re strong”
YES – of course. We want to affirm life & let people know we care about their existence.
❤︎ However, without making this a NO, there is a way in which these phrases are a kind of insensitive throw-away. With many people it’s just a polite standard.

But if you just had a devastating loss & may even be injured – like a serious accident with a death, a full-scale house fire, a near drowning, a severe physical assault, a major illness…. You’re in pain, in mourning, in shock! so those comments are not comforting or uplifting.
Without looking for pity or to be rescued, some indication of empathy or sympathy would be welcome, rather than a glib pat on the head.

NEXT: Phrases #2

Enneagram – 9 LEVELS for TYPE 4



or I’ll be boring (& bored)!

PREVIOUS: Type 3 levels

SITE: Type 4 overview


LEVELS by TYPE (cont.)
Healthy Levels – Are Self-Renewing & Inspirational. Able to model creativity and intuitive power for others
Unhealthy Levels – Are Clinical depressed & Suicidal. Held back by moodiness and self-consciousness.

HEALTHY 4s: It’s important to go beyond the limits of convention.
The Revolutionary: They’re artistic, aesthetically oriented, creative, edgy, expressive, individualistic, inspired, intuitive, self-aware & sensitive.
Equanimity overcomes envy, giving calmness & composure.  They return to the knowledge of “Origin”, that everything in the universe came from the same origin point, so beings are fundamentally connected to each other. Embracing & enhancing life, they encourage others to be everything they can be. They break new ground & bring depth to their work life, push the envelope & find ways to put a unique stamp on whatever they do.

AVERAGE 4s: Being told “You’re odd / weird” is welcome proof I’m staying true to myself.
The Unconventionalist: different, experimental, idiosyncratic, open, unique
• Life’s difficulties corrupts the ideal of Unity into the delusion that everyone is fundamentally fragmented & separated. 4s notice what’s wrong in their life, & so envy what others have. They rely on that envy to give themselves the illusion of unity, as a way to connect to others in a counter-productive fashion, becoming self-indulgent & alienated.

UNHEALTHY 4s: I’ve lost touch with reality (but may not know it)
The Stranger: Become progressively more moody, hypersensitive &
withdrawn. Can be bizarre /schizotypal/ schizophrenic, cut off from everyday current reality, delusional, irrational, masochistic

Healthy loop: Run by the Basic Desire of ‘Needing self-understanding’, they allow emotions to surface & examine them in order to understand them-selves. Then the need is satisfied & balance is achieved.

Average state: when 4s’ don’t closely examine their emotions, they can’t understand themselves, increases the need to figure out who they are. This can push 4s into willingness to face their feelings,
establishing a balance.

Unhealthy loop is run by the Basic Fear of ‘being defective, which can cause 4s to ignore their true selves, allow their emotions to overwhelm them, & indulge in wild fantasy about themselves. This leads to understanding themselves even less, further increases the basic fear & prevents balance.

LENS you see the world thru: “How can I express my creativity and uniqueness in this situation?”
GROWTH: Breaking control of the basic fear comes from not indulging in fantasy and start examining oneself realistically.
LEVEL 5 in BIZ (Mid-Average)'average' levels
At this level Type 4’s authority comes from what they know. Their main strength & weakness as leaders come from the same place – an unwillingness to compromise their vision
• are usually a romantic, passionate star
• hold a strong personal vision & inspire with the force of personality
• are fervently pursue an elusive goal, so achieving them is a problem
• want to stay emotionally engaged & are attracted to ‘drama’
• achieve goals in order to be distinctive – different & unusual
• excel with a business approach where unique presentations count

Honor the 4’s unique way of seeing & doing things. If you want them to work hard, let them know how a project needs their personal touch. The more enthusiastic they are the harder they’ll try. Be emphatic rather than helpful – instead of giving a 4 the answers, give them the opportunity to express themselves.
• want distinctive work, preferring jobs which call for creativity, even genius
• need to feel respected for their personal vision & ideas
• their efficiency is tied to their mood. When their emotional life is disrupted their attention to work suffers
• like to be connected to ‘special authority’ – people in their field who stand for quality instead of popularity
• feel demeaned by having to perform what they consider ‘common’, but which is defined by each #4 differently
• want to feel that their creative ides have been received, understood & appreciated
(From: Global Leadership Foundation)

NEXT: Type 5 Level

Ennea – 9 LEVELS for Type #1

to be perfect so I’ll be right!

PREVIOUS: Levels of Development – Intro (Part 4)

SITEs: Personality & the Brain” / #1 Overview


NOTE: Each type is divided into 9 levels of Psychological Health, 1= highest & 9=lowest. These are grouped into Healthy, Average & Unhealthy. Here is a summary of these sub-groups by Type, in broad strokes, based on Oscar Ichazo’s work.

TYPE 1 – REFORMERS / Perfectionist
Healthy Levels – Characterized by Acceptance & Wisdom. You lead others through integrity & reason.
Unhealthy Levels – Use Condemnation & Punishing behavior. Hindered by perfectionism and resentment.

HEALTHY 1s  “I am hard-working and ethical”
The Upstanding Citizen: accepting, conscientious, ethical, hard-working, objective, responsible & wise. Rational yet idealistic.
Right Action overcomes the 1’s vice of anger & resentment, bringing you closer to your ideal of perfection. You have high standards, integrity, live by your values, are commitment to quality & don’t cut corners. You do more than is expected of you & finish most things you start.

“I maintain my spaces in an orderly way.”
The Perfectionist: clean, conscientious, neat, organized, punctual, responsible & try to live up to good moral standards
● The reformer / crusader ‘high-minded’ idealist – you’re hard on yourself, which ‘leaks out’ as resentment & being critical of people-places-things. Anger at ‘things being wrong’ makes it seem like you’re making headway in advancing what is right, but actually resentment brings yours internal world further from it. This tempting path can lead to an outcome which is unintentional and counter-productive.

: “I am obsessive compulsive”
The Anal-Retentive: closed-minded, inflexible, obsessive-compulsive, overly traditional, self-righteous
● You’re ever more dogmatic, impersonal, intolerant, judgmental, moralizing, & can only see one ‘right way’ – yours.




Healthy loop: The Basic Desire of ‘Needing to be Right’ leads 1s to seeking truth & do the right thing. When they do, the need is satisfied & balance is reached.

Average state: 1s don’t work as much to seek truth, so the need to be right increases. If 1s work hard toward their heart’s desire, balance is created.
Unhealthy loop is run by the Basic Fear of “being condemned”. This can make 1s condemn & correct others first, as a defense, which is not the right thing to do, further adding to their basic fear & prevents balance.

LENS you see the world thru: “I see what’s wrong & how it can be improved. I carry around an internal yardstick I use to measure myself & others.”
GROWTH: Stop correcting others & start examining yourself for ‘truth’.

LEVEL 5 in BIZ (Mid-Average)
At this level – the best ONE leaders are
conscientious & rock solid , having the end goal in mind
• are guided by the idea of quality control, because for them quality & control go hand in hand
• have a clear picture of the ‘correct’ result & the best way to get there
• tend to mandate & prescribe, keeping others on the designated track
• like to plan in detail & to follow it rigidly

• lead by executing this plan & assigning responsibility for each part
• find it hard to delegate responsibility, since they worry about getting the job done right
• have a tendency to correct others & often criticize instead of praise
• have usually risen thru the ranks, & so are able to see who the hard workers & team players are – or not

At this levels, 1s need a plan to work toward, so you can either form a strategy with them or let them make one for themselves – within the context of your project. As a leader you need to play by the rules with 1s & clearly explain what you want.  When you either praise a 1’s performance or discuss their work deficiencies, be specific & detailed
— are very practical, reshaping abstract approaches into step-by-step procedures
— are devoted to being on a schedule, so in dealing with them – be on time. And if you make them late they will not easily forget or forgive
— need specific guidelines, so loopholes can be very disconcerting to them
— prefer DO-ing rather than feeling, & to focus on work rather than relationships
— need a great deal of structure in assignments & reports

As a worker – if your boss is a 1, find out how they like things done & do it that way. It will make your life a lot easier.     From: Global Leadership Foundation

NEXT: Levels of Type 2s

Enneagram – Type ‘DEFECTS‘ (Part 3c)

so I don’t have to work on myself

PREVIOUS: Type Vices (4,5,6)


(also 6w7 & 8w7, somewhat)
FEAR : of being deprived & trapped in pain, so avoid dedicating themselves to a person or situation, over-stimulate themselves & always live in the future
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be excited”

WEAKNESS : Reject any hint of seeing or admitting to the serious & painful sides of life – optimism is the ONLY option. Insist on putting off committing to anything, never ‘sitting still’
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Rationalize’ away uncomfortable experiences by re-framing them as ‘not a problem’, or denying responsibility for their part in it. They avoid suffering, hanging on to the self-image of being OK

HIDE from others: “I’m not as happy as I appear to be.”
Gluttony / greed causes 7s to use their charm, humor & liveliness to ensure they’ll always have more than enough of the good things in life. They struggle to hold the facade of happiness & fun, while also feeling anxiety, doubt, disappointment & sadness – like everyone elseenthusiast

PROJECTION: Experience others as boring, dull, joyless, modest, negative, overly serious, pessimistic, restricted & unimaginative.
7s think it’s up to them to make everything great, insure others are happy & imagine an optimistic future, see the good in things, & give others something to laugh about

MANIPULATE by: distracting & entertaining others & being upbeat – so they can get their way, insisting that others meet their demands for pleasant stimulation & satisfaction (narcissism)
Create CONFLICT by: being demanding, distracted, escapist, excessive,
impatient, irresponsible, over-extended, restless, scattered, thrill-seeking

✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 8 – The CHALLENGER (also 7w8 & 9w8, somewhat)
FEAR: of being harmed & controlled, & so are aggressively dominant, forcing their agenda & desires on others
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be powerful”

WEAKNESS : Are resentful & angry if they feel at all defenseless, or believe someone is out to get them / take advantage. Insist on always being in charge
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Denial’ – re-direct energy by strength of will to controlling their environment, to maintain a self-image of being strong

HIDE from others: “I’m not as powerful or in control as I appear to be.”
Lust & craving makes 8s seek power, or at least the appearance of it. Believe they need to run everything, that without authority & respect – from everyone – they won’t be able to protect themselves by impacting their environmentdominant/bossy

PROJECTION: Others are seen as ambivalent, bleeding hearts, naive, needy, overly dependent, phony, sentimental, unfair, weak.
So it’s up to 8s to right all injustice, give others a dose of reality, protect & toughen others up

MANIPULATE by: throwing their weight around, bluff, make big gestures, dominate, demanding that others do as they say
Create CONFLICT by: being bad-tempered, blunt, confrontational, cynical, defiant, forceful, pushy, rageful, vengeful, willful

✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 9 – The PEACEMAKER (also 8w9 & 1w9, somewhat)
FEAR: of loss of love & being abandoned, so they avoid being assertive, expressing their ideas or taking self-directed action
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be peaceful,”

WEAKNESS : Ignore things that need their attention – completely, or procrastinate until the last-minute. Insist on not noticing problematic issues and on staying neutral in unpleasant interactions with others
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Narcotization’ – to avoid conflict & keep a self-image of being comfortable or harmonious.
They get lulled into an emotional coma, deadened to uncomfortable reality by adjusting / molding themselves to fit other people’s desires or demands​

HIDE from others: “I’m not as agreeable as I appear to be.”
Indifference keeps 9s from voicing any disagreement. They take the easy way out, avoiding discussion rather than face dissension. They hide their own desires, afraid of being disliked if they make too many (any) demands, or if their needs are different than those around thempeacemaker

PROJECTION: Others are seen as aggressive, conflicted, demanding, excluding, frantic, inconsistent and pushy.
9s think it’s up to them to pacify the world, bring everyone together, calm them down & make others lower their expectations.
Also, they avoid their own plans & desires, & then project that others
ignore them, don’t take them seriously & consider their plans & dreams unimportant

MANIPULATE by: ‘opting out’, resisting others, being indecisive or inattentive, & passive-aggressive
Create CONFLICT by: being complacent, emotionally unavailable, ineffectual, resigned, stubborn, unaware of their own anger, unrealistic.

NEXT: Enneagram STRENGTHS (Part 1)

Enneagram – Type ‘DEFECTS‘ (Part 3b)

enn defects 3b


deal with these defects

PREVIOUS: Enneagram Defects, Part 3a

SITE: Everything Enneagram book


TYPE 4 – The INDIVIDUALIST (also 3w4 & 5w4, somewhat)
FEAR: of being insignificant, unseen, without identity – so they become moody, hypersensitive & pretentious
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be unique”

WEAKNESS : Being ordinary is experienced as boring, but also makes them ‘feel’ like a nobody, so they’re jealous of other people-places-things. Insist on having all of their emotional needs met at once
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Introjection’ – to avoid ordinariness & keep self image of being authentic. Internally they magnify a positive ideal, & obsess on self-blame for any painful outcome ​

HIDE from others: “I’m not as sensitive as I appear to be.”
Envy/ jealousy that others seem to have more & are treated better than themselves – so 4s to develop an aura of emotional hyper-sensitivity. They want special treatment, thinking it’ll compensate for all the unfair treatment they’re experienced

PROJECTION: Being ‘Common’ is projected onto others, who individualistare seen as detached, insensitive, overly cheery, plain, predictable, rude, shallow AND not terribly interesting or refined.
4s think they unique & interesting, but always misunderstood. So they think it’s up to them to restore class, refinement & sensibility to the culture

MANIPULATE by: being erratic, temperamental, hard to get’, making others “walk on eggshells”
Create CONFLICT by: being dramatic, emotionally demanding, moody, pretentious, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, temperamental, withholding

✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 5 – The INVESTIGATOR (also 4w5 & 6w5, somewhat)
FEAR: of being helpless, useless & incapable, of be emotionally overwhelmed, so avoid as much contact as possible with the world
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be detached”

WEAKNESS: Their urge to know everything on a topic or situation helps avoid a sense of emptiness. Insist on personal space & non-interference
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Isolation’ – withdraw to avoid feeling small & helpless, & keep self-image of being all-knowing. Provides the space to develop a sense of structure & try to understand their ‘problem’

HIDE from others:“I’m not as smart as I appear to be.”
Holding back / isolating prevents 5s from having to share their emotional life with others – mainly relating by their intellect. Their source of strength is in accumulated knowledge, using it to keep others away

PROJECTION: Project their 1d1319272f56a3120542ebd0cfc1112flack of all knowledge onto others, so feel like they’re surrounded by a “confederacy of dunces” (Sherlock Holmes). Others are considered emotional, foolish, overly effusive and chatty, myopic, oblivious, shallow-minded, stupid.
5s can either avoid others entirely, OR research & discover TRUTHS, & then enlightening everyone else

MANIPULATE by: staying preoccupied with thoughts & projects, distancing emotionally from others  (Forum….. )
Create CONFLICT by: being detached, extreme, high-strung, impractical, isolated, preoccupied, provocative, unconventional, uncompromising

✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 6 – The LOYALIST (also 5w6 & 7w6, somewhat)
FEAR: of never having support, & not being able to survive on their own, becoming defiant, defensive & suspicious
INTERNAL Story: “I must always be secure”

WEAKNESS : Anxiety, doubt & worry lead to a lack of trust in themselves, so are indecisive & procrastinating. They fluctuating between a need for be close & a need to be alone, between self-distrust & over-reacting
DEFENSIVE PATTERN: ‘Projecting’ – their feelings on to loved ones & authority figures​ – to avoid feelings of rejection & to keep a self-image of being loyal

HIDE from others: “I’m not as committed as I appear to be.”
Fear of being punished & disapproved of, from an internal or external authority figure, drives 6s to be overly-responsible & loyal. This makes them seem committed to any given cause, which is mainly to their own need for securityloyalist

PROJECTION: project rebelliousness & power onto others, who are seen as flighty, isolated, overly trusting, negligent, reckless, threatening, & trying to get away with something

📌 For fearful 6s the world is experienced as disappointing & unsafe, so it is up themselves to create certainty, order, safety & security everywhere
📍 Counter-phobic 6s (not conscious of their great fear) project ambivalence onto others, especially authority, seeing them as inconsistent & untrustworthy – so they must scold or train others to be consistent & fair

MANIPULATE by: being evasive, complaining, testing others’ commitment to them
Create CONFLICT by: blaming, being defensive, doubtful, evasive, negative, pessimistic, reactive, suspicious, worried.

NEXT: Defects – Part 3c

Double BINDS – Verbalizing (Part 8a)

say what you mean 

& mean what you say!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 7)

SITEs: Escaping from the BD
“Double Bind Insults”

SPEAK UP about the Double Bind (DB)
, because “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” (Al-Anon). DBs can only control us as long as we deliberately ignore our contradictory beliefs and their contradictory messages (loyalty to toxic family, not trusting our perceptions….), or keep them out of unconsciousness altogether.

LANGUAGE components help us become aware of embedded “thought viruses” in various sort out DBscommunication distortions, (Chart in #6a). To stand up to internal or external D. Messages which put is in a D. Bind, we need to know something about the way people express themselves.

1. Congruent communication – (matching)
All parts of the communication are consistent, agree with each other, fit together, make sense.
But if what you’re ‘receiving’ is not self-congruent, make sure you do not participate in the S‘s game of control, so you can point it out as best you can

2. Meaning
Listen for obvious or subtle contradictions in what someone says – or you say to yourself – often in the form of CDs.
Where’s the focus? Is the speaker – or you – talking about Thoughts, Emotions, or Actions?
Do the statements make sense? Are there obvious & hidden meanings?
EXP : What’s being implied when someone says “Even Jimmy got an A on that test!”?

3. Levels
The function of each level is to synthesize, organize & direct the interactions on the level below it (ANIMAL vs cat). Processes on a behavior level are different than those on a mental level.
EXP: Tying someone up would stop them from physically taking revenge, but not from continuing to plan it. In fact, it will often encourage it. (MORE….)

Learn to discriminate between messages directed to different levels of experience, which automatically helps distinguish different levels of distortion (DMs, #1)
LEVELS, from highest to lowest : 
(1) identity, (2) beliefs & values, (3) capabilities, (4) behavior (5) environment. (6) -spiritual- a type of ‘relational field’ forming a sense of being part of a larger system beyond one’s individual identity.
EXP: “It’s a sin to lie” and “Don’t tell dad what I bought today”

Meta – a special form of communication, info sometimes unspoken but always implied, which the R picks up on but can’t prove.
They are non-verbal signals – tone of voice, body language, vocal sounds (sigh, grunt…) or facial expressions – which contradict the spoken words (incongruent)

4. Meta-messages
Notice the small visible changes in unspoken cues when someone’s talking (a frown, inappropriate smile or voice tone, clenched fists, stiff posture …)
IF they’re at odds with the words being spoken. EXP: ACoAs are notorious for telling horrific childhood events while smiling, even laughing!

Paying attention can help identify mixed messages by tracking & sorting various types of verbal conflicts. It will free us to respond differently to Metas that confuse, reducing the power of the DB, & possibly allowing us to give the other person feedback, if desired & appropriate.

ACoAs stay trapped in DBs when we hide our fear – from shame, S-H & feeling crazy, assuming others will laugh at or belittle us, cut us off…..

Instead, questioning our beliefs & talking about them weakens the hold DBs have over us.
We can’t afford to let fear & shame stop us! Rather than being lonely & passive victims, speaking THE ‘truth’ (not just our personal beliefs) lets us actively help ourselves, by not isolating with our emotional pain & mental confusion.

• Given the nature of D. Binds, it’s absolutely appropriate & necessary to need other people’ perspective to help us sort out the mess – a few we know to be safe & not caught up in the dilemma we’re fighting to escape. At the very least they can provide company & encouragement! “A burden shared is a burden halved.”

NEXT: DBs – Verbalizing (Part 8b)