SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
but don’t say it mean!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (# 7)

SITEs: “Escaping from the BD“
✦“Double Bind Insults”

 

❤️ SPEAK UP about the Double Bind (DB) someone has tried to trap you in, because “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” (Al-Anon). DBs can only control us as long as we deliberately ignore our own contradictory beliefs and their contradictory messages (loyalty to toxic family, not trusting our perceptions….), or keep them out of unconsciousness altogether.

🗝 LANGUAGE components help us become aware of embedded “thought viruses” in communication distortions, (use Chart in #6a). To stand up to internal or external D. Messages which put is in a D. Bind, we need to know something about the way people express themselves.
✅ Congruent communication – (matching)
All parts of the communication are consistent, agree with each other, fit together, make sense. (MORE…)
But if what you’re ‘Receiving’ is not self-congruent, make sure you do not participate in the S‘s game of control, by pointing it out the best you can

✅ Meaning
Listen for obvious or subtle contradictions in what someone says – or that you say to yourself – often in the form of CDs.
Where’s the focus? Is the speaker – or you – talking about Thoughts, Emotions, or Actions?
Do the statements make sense? Are there obvious & hidden meanings?
EXP : What are some possible implication to the observation :  “Even Jimmy got an A on that test!”?

✅ Levels
The function of each level-of-meaning is to organize & direct elements from the level below it, each having a greater degree of impact on the individual, organism or system. (Animal is higher, vs cat // Forrest vs tree…. ).
Levels of processes on a behavior level are different than those on a mental level.
EXP: Tying someone up would stop them from physically taking revenge, but not from continuing to plan it. In fact, it will often encourage it. (MORE….)

Learn to discriminate between messages directed to different levels of experience, which automatically helps to distinguish between different levels of distortions (DMs, #1)
LEVELS, from highest to lowest : 
(1) identity (2) beliefs & values (3) capabilities (4) behavior (5) environment (6) spiritual = a type of ‘relational field’ that forms a sense of being part of a larger system beyond one’s individual identity.
EXP: “It’s a sin to lie” (#2)
but “Don’t tell dad what I bought today” (4 or 6) = requires lying.

✅ Meta-messages – a special type of communication, info that are subtle & unspoken but definitely implied, which the R picks up on but can’t prove.
These come in the form of non-verbal signals – tone of voice, body language, vocal sounds (sigh, grunt…) or facial expressions – which contradict the spoken words (incongruent), sending a D.Message

Notice the small visible changes in unspoken cues when someone’s talking (a frown, inappropriate smile or voice tone, clenched fists, stiff posture …) IF they’re at odds with the words being spoken.
EXP: ACoAs are notorious for recounting horrific childhood events while smiling, even laughing!

Paying attention to our anxiety & anger reactions (emotions) – can help to catch on to the mixed messages so we can track & sort out various types of verbal conflicts / distortions (thinking) . It will free us to respond differently to Metas that confuse, reducing the power of the DB, & possibly allow us to give the other person feedback, if desired & appropriate.

ALCOHOLIC RULES: don’t THINK, don’t FEEL, don’t TALK
ACoAs stay trapped in DBs when we hide our fear – from shame, S-H & feeling crazy, assuming others will laugh at or belittle us, cut us off…..

Instead, questioning our beliefs & talking about them weakens the hold DBs have over us.
We can’t afford to let fear & shame stop us! Rather than being lonely & passive victims isolated with our emotional pain & mental confusion, speaking THE ‘truth’ (not just our personal beliefs) lets us own our sanity!

• Given the nature of D. Binds, it’s often necessary & absolutely appropriate to get other people’ perspective to help us sort out the mess – those few who we know to be safe & not caught up in the dilemma we’re fighting to escape. At the very least they can provide company & encouragement! “A burden shared is a burden halved.”

NEXT: DBs – Verbalizing (Part 8b)