We’re all social animals, but also need privacy
PREVIOUS: Safe & Unsafe People
REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
NOTE: Many people in the mental health field, spiritual practices & new-age wisdom say we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us. Yes, OK, but it’s not that simple! What they don’t tell you is that there’s 2 different aspects, the negative & the positive.
1. DAMAGE (ACoA version) – anyone with limited self-esteem / S-H, there’s always the assumption that other people don’t like us – it’s our default position & hard to let go of. And that has 2 parts too! Doesn’t everything? AH, Dualism! I can’t help it – I’m a 22/4 with an 8 Destiny. I see both sides – ‘now’. 🙂 Anyway…
a. Awkward (a “drip”? —>)
• If we’re obnoxious, angry, childish, clingy, lazy, needy, selfish, un-groomed, or say lots of dumb things – OR just full of negativity & self-doubt, then most people will not like us!
• If we care, these problems can be worked on, if we have the courage & right kind of help to willing to deal with the pain, sadness & fear that’s at the root all our ‘shortcomings’
• If we don’t care, or the resistance is too great to get past, the external signs & internal causes never get corrected. A great loss for us as individual & to society, but each has their own path.
b. Isolators: Some ACoAs (this is not about Extroverts / Introverts)
• hide out because of some physical or mental disorder
• but mostly it’s from — Fear, Lack of good Boundaries & Self-hate: wounded souls who need lots of love but aren’t allowed to let it in, even when it’s available. They blame themselves for everything that goes wrong. They ‘don’t belong’
• At the other extreme are those wounded ACoAs who are always angry, complaining, dissatisfied & think they’re superior. They also push others away & lose out. They have S-H too, but their whole focus is outside of themselves, blaming everyone else for their troubles
c. Acceptable: Most of us are not social misfits –
• we have an education, jobs, mates, maybe children & some outside interest. YET we think everyone is going to judge us harshly, find out we’re frauds, see all our flaws… later if not sooner, especially if they get to know us
• that’s straightforward Projection onto others of – how our parents treated us & now, our self-judgement
• also, it’s Mind-reading (a CD). We’re sure we know what others are thinking – especially about us, & it’s always negative. That’s ACoA grandiosity. Stay out of other people’s heads!
• Sadly, even when others like us, love, admire & laud us – we have a hard believing it, don’t trust it, get embarrassed, tell them why it’s not true. Yuck!
2. Mental HEALTH — All humans NEED connections, but in differing amounts.
• Extroverts. (They are 75-80% of the population, at least in the West)
They thrive on the energy absorbed by being around a lot of activity – choices, options, people, events….. even if not interacting with them directly.
PS – these are not energy vampires). Think: a walk in the park on a great spring day alone, when everyone’s out, or an evening with a bunch of friends, just ‘messing around’. Doesn’t have to be heavy or deep, although that’s good too. Just being ‘part of’ feels great
• Introverts need activity too, just in much smaller doses. They’re mostly comfortable one-on-one & in small groups, for short periods. They derive their energy internally, & are overwhelmed by too much external input.
NEXT: What others think…. #2