Self-esteem

DEALING with P-As: Emotions (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

HIDDEN ANGER
is tricky to deal with

PREVIOUS :
Dealing with P-As #2

SITE: BLOG re. P-A relationship

 


Our EMOTIONS
Notice how you feel around the P-A.
Pay close attention to your instincts. You’ll definitely feel frustrated, & then angry. If you don’t know what’s happening or you’re blaming yourself you may even despair. You are actually in a situation you can’t win – nothing you say or do seems to please them or get them to hear you.
• You can feel hurt if they give you the silent treatment
• You’ll feel annoyed that they’re always complaining, but don’t do anything to improve their situation
• You’ll likely feel tired or deflated, IF you’ve been trying to make sense of their behavior, & spending a lot of energy trying to get them to co-operate.

Make Friends With Your Anger
 To be effective in dealing with P-As you have to be OK with your own feeling of anger at them (acceptance) – because that’s a normal reaction to being jerked around.

REMEMBER: We have our own hot buttons, which P-As can take advantage of  – once they get to know us. Identify them, & then notice when you get real anxious or have a strong angry reaction when one of them is bumped into.
EXP: When ignored / accused wrongly / called ‘too sensitive’ / treated as stupid / taken advantage of / not given credit…..

Moderate your response
Develop a “Teflon coating” for yourself when dealing with P-As — stay calm, keep your voice neutral, hold your emotions in check. The less reactive you are, the less fuel they have for their hidden anger tactics
• If possible, find out what the P-A’s angry about – in the present situation. Notice a problem they’re reacting to as soon as you can

• Because P-As don’t show their anger, you can talk to someone who knows them well enough to tell you the P-A’s buttons, & what subtle signs to look for
• Think seriously about what might really be driving the P-A’s behavior, which is usually a symptom of something else (or deeper) that’s upsetting them. NOTE: these is a tools for you, not in order to fix them

Stay as neutral as you can manage – even if you have to act-as-if. When you do get upset (which is likely), calm yourself down first before addressing whatever issue that’s bothering you – take a walk, crank up the music & dance, call a sponsor, read a page or two from the Al-Anon “Just for Today” Meditations…..
Then figure out exactly what you need/want from this situation, what is actually possible & what realistic outcome you can live with

It’s also good to practice ++ self-talk (until it’s automatic), such as:
• I recognize his ______ as P-A behavior – it’s a familiar pattern which I see & acknowledge
• He wants me to get angry & yell, so it’ll end up being my problem, not his
• I know what’s behind her procrastination, intentional inefficiency, ‘laziness’…
• It is her anger/ resentment that she’s not owning up to

🤔”I didn’t cause it / I can’t control it / I can’t cure it”.
• I don’t want to (& won’t) participate in this pointless P-A manipulation
• I deserve to be treated at least with respect, at best more lovingly
• I trust my gut reaction when I feel jabbed – because that’s what just happened

Empathize
Learn reflective listening & express empathy toward the P-A, which can sometimes be helpful in dealing with sideways anger.
In any case, be compassionate toward yourself & the other person. While this may be difficult, expressing empathy for the P-A can help disarm them.

You can reflect (mirror back) their suppressed emotions by saying things like, “It seems like you were frustrated by what happened in school / at work….  today. That makes sense & must have been hard…..”
It helps to remind yourself that someone has probably been patient, understanding & compassionate towards you at times when you were not at our best. Pay it forward.

FROM Elephant Journal: “The passive-aggressive individual is not a bad person, they are simply a person who has been deeply hurt.
And when such a person is a family member, friend, or intimate partner, the only way to stay present is with expansive love.
Pushing such a person to be honest or direct does not work because they cannot see past their own fear and hurt.
Space and time are essential for healing.
Even more so, trusting that person & seeing the best in them can alleviate the fear, & reassure them that they are trusted, held with love, & embraced with security.”

PS: In most cases it’s the P-A’s behavior / communication that’s hurtful / unhealthy (bad), not the essence of the person. This is because the ‘acting out’ comes from the person’s False Self, rather than their hidden Healthy / True Self. However – their hurtful behavior is not to be excused or overlooked.

NEXT: Dealing w/ P-As #4

DEALING with Passive-Aggressives (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

THOSE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVES
will drive me crazy – if I let them!

PREVIOUS: P-A ACoAs #3

SITE: Dealing w/ P-A STUDENTS (for parents & teachers)

BOOK: The Angry Smile

REMINDER: “Passive-aggressives are not less angry, just less direct.”
A good portion of passive-aggressives (P-As) were raised by mothers who were neglectful, non-nurturing, overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression…..
So you didn’t cause it. If you’re in a relationship with a passive aggressive person, stay focused on yourself, & what you want to accomplish.  We are only responsible for our T.E.A.s.

Our responses will be safest & least drama-producing for ourselves & others when they come from the Parent ego state, as part of our True Self – rather than re-acting from the False Self / WIC. This includes making sure our own anger is healthy – because P-As do sorely try our patience!

REVIEW of some P-A tactics – THEY:
⚡️ Avoid work and social obligations, often making excuses
⚡️ Critical, Blame others for personal failures
⚡️ Complain of being unappreciated or misunderstood
⚡️ Exaggerate misfortunes, often run late
⚡️ Don’t do something that’s asked of them, reluctant or fail to keep promises
⚡️ Are persistently pessimistic, even when things are going well
⚡️ Sabotage, are sarcastic, give the silent treatment, withholding intimacy

At Work – a P-A ‘team’ member may:
• Use fake manners to cover a lack of genuine respect / manners
• Interrupt – with a quick “sorry” – without real acknowledgment of the other person’s presence, conversation or activity
• Smile, & then do whatever they want by saying to the  other person, “You don’t mind, do you?”

• Take credit for what another team member said – by restating it as if it’s her own idea
• Use subtle sarcasm against a team member and call it humor “Just kidding”!
• Intellectualize instead of apologize –
“I wonder why I did that?” instead of, “I’m so sorry.”

• Use neutral statements instead of true empathy. “Yes, it is difficult, isn’t it?” instead of, “How can I help? Let’s look at it and find a solution”
• Hold others to a very high standard of behavior & call them on imperfections / mistakes / oversights… in front of others (shaming)
• Use apparently logical reasons to undermine others’ success – and then say “You understand, don’t you? / You don’t mind, right?”…… (Lydia Dishman)

ISSUES for us to OVERCOME
🌀 No boundaries.
P-As have a nose for People-pleasers (P-Ps), Scapegoats & Victims – anyone with a big red button on their forehead that says “You can mess with me because I can’t stand up for myself”.
• False-nice people (the Passives) have weak boundaries, low self-esteem & are afraid of conflict – making them perfect targets for the P-A’s hostility.

• P-As (who have walls around them) create drama & confusion that reinforces the Passive’s feeling of universal unsafely, & which directly impacts her/his ability to accomplish tasks, whether in business or at home.
‼️ P-As know when & how much they can get away with! so it’s up to us to work on developing / strengthening our Boundaries.

🌀 Confusing Communication
P-As will say one thing (like “Sure, sounds great!”) but mean the exact opposite, which is disorienting & disconcerting. Even if we (the Receiver) don’t fit into the Passive category we can still get lost in the morass of the P-A’s manipulation if we don’t understand the game they’re playing. Pay attention!

• And if we tend to be straightforward, we assume others are too, so we’re likely to take the P-A’s apparent agreement for a commitment: They said they’d call the IRS / pick up the laundry / look for a job / do their homework / get that project done by Fri…. didn’t they?

But for ACoAs, especially if we grew up with P-As, when we now have to deal with another P-A for any length of time (which we may have inadvertently picked as boss, spouse, friend…..), some part of us can have a ‘sneaking suspicion’ they’re going to flake on us or drag out the promised action endlessly – but we still hope that this time…..

Sadly, depending on someone who is determined to constantly stone-wall leaves us endlessly disappointed, & having to do everything ourselves anyway. Sometimes it’s not even worth asking .

🌀 Fighting fire with fire?
It’s inevitable that we’ll be frustrated & angry around P-As. But approaching them with sarcasm or our own passive-aggressiveness will only strengthen their resolve to be defiant. Besides, they’re much better at it – having had a lot more practice. 🙂
<—– If we meet their anger with ours, the interaction will escalate, or they’ll just withdraw even more.  Remember that you’re always dealing with their hidden angry Inner Child!
We’re not likely to ever get the co-operation we want or need, so trying to ‘shake it out of them’ never works.

NEXT: Dealing with P-As (#2)

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

screen-shot-2017-02-18-at-8-13-46-amI HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry
PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITE: 27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened

** Southern P-A forms of “Bless your heart!” (humorous but true)

• P-A Commuter Types – (London)

Some things Passive-Aggressives SAY:
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded innuendos instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures that P-As do not get their needs met!
When P-As give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly nasty comments, most won’t catch on that they’re being messed with, but it may feel like being on an emotional roller coaster.

It can leave someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I react, will they make a joke or tell me I’m too sensitive?……”,
which is what the P-A wants – for others to always be off-balance.

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but also are not afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they tend not to point fingers at others, keeping the focus on themselves, are not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate in direct ways using ‘I’ statements.
EXP: “I’m not going to be able to be able to help you with that.”// This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all of the following statements are ‘you’ types of comments (some implied), and none of the “I” statements admit honest wishes & needs or take personal responsibility

This list includes things can be said/written between family members, between friends, between mates, at school & at work.

• I’m not mad = this is a lie if their over-all pattern is being P-A
• Fine. Whatever = sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
• Sure, I’d be happy to = they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
• I’m coming! = foot-dragging so they don’t have to do something you want
• I didn’t know you meant now = means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway

• You’re asking for too much / just want everything to be perfect = they don’t want to do what you asked but can’t get away with putting it off, so they do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
• If you really want to = means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
• You decide / whatever you want = (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & them criticized your choices
• Don’t bother! = means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• We’re all watching your progress and hoping the best for you = we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you, but want to sound supportive

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today = boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately
• This is far too complicated for you to understand = dumb, dumb, dumb
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend – finally = You’re not very desirable
• How is your therapy progressing? = you’re such a mess, I don’t think even this will help // You don’t seem to be getting any better
• Aren’t we pretty today? = Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly

• If you insist! = means I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
• It’s fine if you’re late, again = feel disrespected but they think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
• No worries = short for Screw You
• I thought you knew/ are in the loop = they had no intention of including you

• Thanks in advance = you’re expected to do something they want, without your input or consent
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by…  = a disguised criticism
• I h0pe it’s worth it = they’re worried about a choice or decision you’re making & don’t want you to do it, and hope you fail

• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations /with what you had to work with = means the P-A is patting you on the head, but is actually very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you
• So… (by itself) = another form of Screw you, or what’s your point?
— If in a sentence: So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?…..  = the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it

• I was only joking = sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny
• I didn’t mean anything by it = means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• Don’t take it so personally = means it was a very personal barb
• Why are you getting so upset? = means “Ha, I got you!”
• I didn’t do anything (wrong) = complete denial of their abuse or neglect
• You’re too sensitive = P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility
• You’re so intense / too emotional = P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
• You’re imagining things = means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

IT’S LONELY
being with a P-A

PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITE Passive-aggressiveness
(in general & about men)

1. P-A CATEGORIES
a. Unintentionally hurtful type. They believe they’re trying not to hurt others, not wanting anyone to feel bad. So they aim to be ‘perfect’, to not say or do anything obvious that might make the other person dislike them & ‘go away’. However, their anger is a barrier, felt at a nonverbal level, but others will have no way of knowing what’s wrong.
Because P-As don’t have access to ALL their emotions, their quietly defiant interactions prevent true intimacy, keeping people at arm’s length. Bottom line – they abandon a part of themselves, as well as people closest to them.

b. Self-protective type. This is the strategy used by P-As when they feel the need to protect themselves at all cost, & believe they have no other options – even tho this may not be true – as a way to protect their self-concept, their job or personal interests. Usually based in repeated childhood experiences, they think they don’t deserve to speak their mind, afraid to be honest & open.

So a P-A who wants to believe they’re acting in your best interest, can say hurtful things because they’re actually trying to protecting their self-image as well as prevent punishment (being fired, losing a friend, having someone be angry at them,,,,,). If confronted directly they’ll defend themselves or blame the other person, instead of seeing their part.

c. Malicious type. Since this series of posts are about surface-nice-people, it may seem incongruous to include the P-As who aren’t so ‘nice’. But here it’s not their actions we’re considering – only their motivation. This type consciously wants to hurt anyone & everyone – without getting caught – planing out attacks or impulsively reacting to whoever annoys them in the moment (like spitting in the drink they offer you).
And some in this category are subtler than owolf/sheep's clothingthers, keeping their ‘nice’ mask on.

One way they can play the game is to get others riled up & defensive, who then act out the P-A’s denied rage for them. Such a parent might say to their teenage child: “You should really try to treat your mother better after all the sacrifices I’ve made for you. You’re so selfish”.
This is an emotionally abusive effort to control the child’s behavior, but often only succeeds in generating guilt & resentment. Then this kind of parent can accuse the teen of being ‘difficult’! Every time the P-A gets away with it (friends, family, work….), their tactics are reinforced while still seeming to be innocent.

SILENCE (is not always golden!)
. Many writes assert that the Silent Treatment is the P-A’s favorite weapon. It’s a deliberate choice to not speak to someone for a protracted length of time. It will be repeated any time the angry-nice person wants to punish another for any number of hurts, real or imagined, by shutting down emotionally & withdrawing, without admitting how angry the P-A really is.

It’s a way of manipulating others into doing what the P-A wants by treating the ‘offender’ as if they’re invisible, in the hope that they’ll get the message “Do what I want/ be how I want – or I cut you off”. This is not about withdrawing love, since love is unconditional, but rather removing approval, & for approval-dependent people (many ACoAs), it’s a powerful form of control.

This silence is a sanitized version of murder. While the purpose is not to erase someone physically/ permanently, it is psychologically & emotionally deadly, causing far-reaching injury.
🔪 🔫 Physical murder means: “I do not like you. Therefore, I am going to make sure you do not exist – by killing you.”
💘☁︎ Silent treatment means: “I do not like you. Therefore, I am going to treat you as though you do not exist – by not speaking to you.”

The tactic produces a great deal of fear in the adults who are vulnerable to it – because of a desperate need to please – and especially for children when repeatedly ignored by a parent.
 (See: Qs to ask oneself, in upcoming post)

SITE: “The Real Reason Why The Narcissist Punishes You” 

NEXT: P-As #3

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 8a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem


I CAN BE FREE OF some GUILT
if I admit when I mess things up

PREVIOUS: Outgrow co-dep (#7c)

SITEs: “How to apologize : Asking for forgiveness gracefully” 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 6b. FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS

TOOL 7. FORGIVEN by OTHERS
DEF – It is when someone we’ve hurt:
• grants pardon for or absolves us of a mistake or wrongdoing
• no longer blames or feels resentment toward us
• frees us from a previous obligation or penalty

QUOTEs: “A relationship is only as strong as each individual’s capacity to forgive and ask for forgiveness.”
• “Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong, & the other person is right. It can mean you value the relationship more than your ego.”

ASKING for Forgiveness
We know that a component of Co-dep fake-niceness is the desire to hide our guilt at having been less than honorable toward others. Clearing out some of the underbrush of our moth-eaten defenses (P-P) means being willing to ‘make amends’ for our negative reactions, whenever possible. This begins with telling the truth about our behavior, without over- or under- stating it.

A FEW problem areas that can harm others:
Being controlling, close-minded, dependent, dishonest, judgmental, narcissistic, prejudiced, perfectionistic, superior …..
For more, refer to the 3 posts ‘How ACoAs abandon others‘ & both Laundry Lists.

AA’s Step 8 : Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9 : Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

► While implementing the 9th Step is for our personal growth, it should not be taken without serious thought & preparation. It’s not going to help our healing if we don’t have a genuine desire to mend the breach with someone, but only do it because we’re supposed to, or are only thinking of how it will benefit ourselves.
That narcissistic approach will likely anger the other person, & leave us confused & bitter.
Making amends is about ‘amending’ our ways, otherwise a verbal apology is hollow.

But, before we can consider asking to be forgiven, we need to look at who we’re going to apologize to & exactly for what. (‘Making amends is more than an apology)

1. WHO: Note that Al-Anon/AA Step #8 says “be willing“, but #9 cautions “except when.…”.
• In some cases we’ll never be able to connect with the person we owe an amends to because they’re simply not available – from death, unknown location, or not wanting any contact with us. Then go back to Step 5 to put that specific event to rest.

• Also, there are times when telling someone what we did to-or-against them will hurt them much more than silence, if they were unaware of our misdeeds. Always consider the consequences of your words. It’s not their job to make you feel better!

• And, just because some unhealthy people accuse us of being abusive when we accidentally push their buttons, don’t do what they want or don’t agree with them, set a boundary or stand up for ourselves….. (because they don’t feel safe unless everyone is apologizingtheir carbon copy), it does NOT mean we owe them an apology.

💛 We can acknowledge their feelings by saying we understand they don’t like something we did or said – or not. Period. Don’t add buts, excuses or explanations. As long as you know you’re being true to yourselves in that situation – you’re OK.
We are responsible for being as ‘clean’ in motive & action as we can, but NOT for how others react – regardless of our behavior.

NEXT: Forgiven for WHAT (#8b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,


TO BE or NOT TO BE
willing to forgive myself –
that is the question!

PREVIOUS“: Outgrowing P-P #4a

SITEs: 12 Ways to Accept Yourself
• “I Forgive Myself for……“from ‘Journey of Be’, scroll to 9/2015


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (cont.)

TOOL 6a. Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A. (cont.)
As we outgrow P-P we can clean out the underlying issue that permeates every part of our life: our Self-Hate, which is blaming ourselves for not getting our needs met. It’s anger/rage at our family turned in on ourselves

Reminder : Healthy, compassionate families, teachers & other leaders guide children with clarity, kindness, patience & humor. They set good examples, teach boundaries & realistic limits, explain the way people & things work, & help each child develop their Natural Self. (Healthy Parenting

That was not our experience. All our childhood emotions, words & actions which were called “too sensitive, disobedient, difficult, selfish, lazy, stupid …..” do not need to be forgiven. Instead, we can look back with sorrow & compassion for what we endured!

SO: The more S-H we clear out, the more we drop P-P, automatically. Rather than struggling with the idea of having to forgive our youthful acting-out & normal child-reactions, we can benefit the most from ACCEPTANCE. 

+ + Accept reality: We can let go of the – usually unconscious – twisted belief we may still have, that we’re hopelessly bone-deep failures because we originally:
• failed to be the kind of child who was good enough to have elicited love & approval from our parents
• failed to soothe & heal our parents’ many wounds
• failed to stop them from hurting us, each other & our siblings

++ Accept our child’s narcissism as normal, which made us think we had the power to do any of those things. Not! We can understand why we had those misguided ideas, & correct our thinking now (the CDs), to stop blaming & attacking ourselves for what we believe are inadequacies & deficiencies

++ Accept that the mirroring we got as kids came from cracked mirrors – forcing us to see ourselves thru controlling, cruel, drunk, insensitive, neglectful, raging eyes! What we came to think of as our Self was mainly their sickness projected on to us – which became our Negative Introject. This psychological process – helpful or harmful – happens to every child & is not ‘forgiveness material’.  (Parental Mirroring provides child….)

++ Accept that following the Toxic Rules does not & never did keep us safe!  No matter how ‘good’, helpful & self-denying we were as kids, we still got the full brunt of our family’s damage!
“I have to obey them” is a lie we tell ourselves so we don’t have to be our True Self & take care of our own needs

++ Accept that as physical adults (not grown-up) we do not neeeed them to be our parents. That’s our job now. We do need a lot of help to heal, but trying to appease & please the original abusers is self-destructive

++ Accept that no matter how much we wish it we can’t go back & change anything. AND we’ll never have the parents / family we always wanted

++ Accept & stop judging ourselves absolutely, totally –  for:
— not being perfect // not knowing everything // making mistakes
— being so scared inside // being controlling // nit-picking
— having depression & the need for medication
— procrastinating or never finishing anything…  basically opposite of everything on the RIGHTS list

++ Accept that at first we’re going to feel guilt churning in our gut whenever we disobey a Toxic Family Rule, but we will slowly outgrow it.  This is ‘good guilt’ – which is for the short-term – because it signals doing something healthy for ourselves which goes against all our original crazy training

The Tibetans have no word for ‘guilty.’ The closest is “Intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”

++ Accept ourselves as valuable Children of God / HP / the Universe, which helps to stop the cruel inner rant (the WIC or PP) – a choice we can implement every day.
The benefits of self-acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to let go – of releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.

NEXT: Self-forgiveness as ADULTS

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I WANT TO BE ABLE
to enjoy all my rights

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing …. #3

MEN: Break “Nice Guy” Stereotype

WOMEN:  What “She’s too nice” means

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOl 3. ASSERTIVENESS

TOOL 4. HAVING RIGHTS
++ To outgrow P-P we need a replacement for the Toxic Rules that drive our co-dependence. We need to know our RIGHTS. This makes us less scared, giving us the courage to ask for what is rightfully ours, diminishing the grip of co-dependence

Instead of having to ‘sing for our supper’, we want to acknowledge & act on RIGHTS which are everyone’s birthright. They are strictly for our benefit, not in order to be ‘good’ or to take care of others.  As we start living by them, eventually they can become automatic!

YOU have a RIGHT —
❤︎ to Think, Feel, Speak & Act according to your True Self
❤︎ to be treated respectfully, no matted the circumstance
❤︎ to never say “I’m sorry” for being yourself, or just for being here & taking up space 😎
❤︎ to discover your passions & pursue them without interference
❤︎ to appreciate yourself whenever you stand your ground
❤︎ to not feel guilty for taking care of yourself or saying ‘no’
❤︎ to take time out to answer a Q or request (“I’ll let you know”)

❤︎ to not care – so much!  You can’t carry the burden of all the world’s problems – there are too many, just as the whole world can not care about yours. And since none of us has the power to fix another person, you can stick to handling the things that matter the most to you, to get the most out of your efforts

❤︎ to offer nojustification!  Don’t lie, but don’t explain. Trying to prove your point – to unreceptive ears – can easily become self-humiliating. When an explanation is required, keep your answers clear & short

YOU have a RIGHT—
❤︎ to make mistakes // to not know // to be incompetent (every so often)
❤︎ to ask for help  // to change your mind // to ask Qs
❤︎ to not be responsible for other people’s needs, actions or problems
❤︎ to disagree with others & express your opinion // to not respond to ‘stupidity’

❤︎ to stop victimizing yourself
• Never chase perfection – there’s no such possibility for human beings. Only God is perfect. Focus on your actual qualities, natural talents & accomplishments
• Know when your kindness is being taken advantage of, speak up about it & pull back some
• Don’t compare yourself with others. Since each of us has a separate body & separate personality, we also each have our own life path. Live yours!

• Always be kind to yourself. Stop self-hating thoughts as soon as there pop up, checking to see what abandonment trigger set it off (BOOK: “Compassion & Self-Hate – An alternative to Despair“- T. Rubin)

❤︎ to be helpful & generous to others — IF you have enough PMES supplies of your own to share.  Only do what you are legitimately capable of, what fits with your own self-care needs & when you have the time (unless there’s an emergency that only you can deal with – which is rare)

❤︎ to take time out for yourself, even a little every day – to dream, to imagine a new possibility or something creative, to process the day’s experiences, to revel in an accomplishment, compliment or triumph

❤︎ to find & maintain contact with support systems in various parts of your life, the kinds that fit your personal tastes, your work concerns, family needs & social interests. Let others give you whatever help & encouragement they have to offer – if it’s what you need!

As the Al-anon Closing says ” ……We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that ‘though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.”

❤︎ YOU HAVE a RIGHT to assert all these rights! (‘My Rights – Qs’)

NEXT: Outgrowing co-dep #5a

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,


THERE ARE MANY WAYS
to help myself ‘let go’

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing P-P #1

SITE : 45 Confidence Exercises…..

<—- IMAGE from : “16 Acts of Self-Care to Get You Thru 2017

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 1. Facing FEARS


TOOL 2. SELF-WORTH
++ Self-esteem is fundamentally the result of unconditional love! To outgrow the need to P-P we can work at providing that for ourselves now, even tho we didn’t get is as kids. Our attention has to be internal – on who we are, what we need, what our rights are & how well we take care of ourselves

☁︎ Co-deps base a lot of their ‘value’ on how much they do for others. This is self-defeating, guaranteeing ‘failure’, because —
— it’s only about action rather than personal identity: external vs internal
— we’re selfishly using others as a prop for our WIC’s distorted self-image
— we’re dependent on the unpredictability of how others respond to us
— we can never do enough for some people, so we’ll always come up short

— we can never fix anyone else’s pain, & even if it were possible, the people we most want to ‘save’ (rescuing=false helping) are usually the most recalcitrant (absolutely UNwilling to work on themselves!)
— some people will never give us any appreciation or validation. Sadly those are the ones we chase the hardest & longest!

Self-esteem allows for INTIMACY. To be capable of intimacy we need to overcome a large chunk of our self-hate – by developing at least a working knowledge of our Rights, using good Boundaries, hPP voiceaving a range of Emotions & a nodding acquaintance with our Inner Child, the UNIT & our True Self.

SOURCE – “Getting it” in your bones that you didn’t cause your need to develop co-dep will greatly quiet the self-hate & PP voices, which say that it is your fault. Then you can outgrow the need for people-pleasing (P-P) which is one of many defense mechanisms. We are “Damaged, not defective”

☁︎ If you’re an ACoA, your needs & emotions (Es) were stomped on & ignored. Being ‘too nice’ was one way you survived, even if your siblings chose a different way to protect themselves. What does this tell us?
That we used whatever we could to deal with an emotionally & physically dangerous upbringing. We didn’t create that situation, SO this pattern is not an innate flaw in us. It’s correctable!

Outgrow P-P is a combination of:
— rooting out abusive self-talk & correcting distorted ideas about life (CDs)
— consistently comforting & nurturing ourselves (self-care)

TOOL 3. ASSERTIVENESS
++ Practice saying YES to the things you do want
• SUCH AS things you’ve had an interest in or passionate about since childhood, even if you never got to pursue them. Now you can pick them up, just for pleasure, or maybe to start a whole new career:
— Say yes to learning new skills that will improve your income
— Say yes to healthier friends & lovers, jobs, living space….
— Say yes to a new couch, better clothes, flowers….(when you can)
— Say yes to filling some of your down-time with ‘good, clean fun’
— Say yes to taking time out just for yourself, to recharge

➤ Say YES to one thing you’ve been wanting to do (a small tattoo, a dance class, a Spiritual retreat…..), but are afraid others won’t like it or will make fun of it. Too bad. Do it anyway!

• There are other things you can be enthused about as short-term enjoyment, something or someone you’re only into for a while (maybe even a few years) and then: You got what you wanted from the experience // or you did as much with it as you could // or you’ve gradually become disappointed in it // or you, they or it has changed, & now it doesn’t suit you anymore….  You’re done, so move on & choose new PPT

NEXT: Outgrowing P-P #3

Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

P-A wifeI’M SO STRESSED OUT
& no one will help me!

PREVIOUS: Co-dep angry-nice (#2a)

BOOK: “The Book of No:
250 Ways to Say It – & Mean It, & Stop People-Pleasing Forever”
Susan Newman, PhD (book review)


INTERNAL High COST of angry-niceness
✔︎ Abandoned – as an adult.
To totally depend on others (especially on narcissists) to be ‘seen’ & for a sense of worth – will always leave you disappointed & even more alone. Yes, we need other people to help, encourage & validate. But self-esteem is an inside job, a combination of taking care of our WIC, growing the UNIT & relying on a Higher Power to heal our wounds.

✔︎ Addicted – Constantly depriving ourselves of needs, wants, dreams, goals…. makes the hole-in-our-soul** bigger & bigger. But since nature abhors a vacuum, we try to satisfy the longing for comfort & security with any addiction that fits our personality type. And it’s often a witch’s brew, engaging in several all at once or sequentially. If we’re constantly over-giving, we may escape by over-spending, over-eating, over-working…..

✔︎ Beleaguered (surrounded by troubles), yours & everyone else, until you just want to scream, but that’s too unacceptable, so you swallow the anger & collapse inward. Always saying “I’m sorry”- for things that are not your fault OR beyond your control, tying to placate
the monsters inside & out

✔︎ Burnt out – run yourself into the ground, a workhorse – or should we say ‘work like a dog’!?
– try to do more than everyone else
– never ask for help (including spouse & kids)
–  have outrageous expectations of yourself (perfectionism)

✔︎ Confused – “I don’t know how to____, I can’t seem to ____ // Why don’t I get any better? Why am I not appreciated? What am doing wrong? Should I have ____? Why don’t I ever get picked for ____? // I’m not sure who to listen to, who to believe. Isn’t my family right? What if my husband /wife is right about me?”…..

beleaguered

✔︎ Desperate – your frantic efforts to get your needs met in round-about ways always end up in disappointment & disaster. Sadly, no matter how much effort you put in & how determined you are, just like you can’t fix others, they can never fix you. Even so, you keep PMES starving, but refuse to feed yourself. You just get more & more desperate, often to the point of being suicidal

✔︎ Distrustful – if others do actually like you, it doesn’t count because:
– you don’t believe you’re worthwhile
– you don’t trust your own judgement as to who is sincere & who isn’t
– you idealize others, BUT are secretly sure no one is safe
– you know you’re not being emotionally honest, so assume they only like your fake front
– you don’t realize others can see your good qualities, even tho’ you can’t

✔︎ False Self – that you had to develop as child – continues to get reinforced & dominates our life.  Only focusing on your outsides, waiting to be rescued / taken care of guarantees disappointment, wastes decades of your life. You miss out on drive & spontaneity, ignoring opportunities to be creative, to use your natural gifts & to accept all aspects of yourself

✔︎ Frustrated – from never getting control over others to make them be what you want, & do what you need – so you can feel safe. From trying so hard to get it right but never ‘figuring it out’. From longing for the love you don’t think you deserve or have a right to. From living in the fantasy of how thing would be, if only……

✔︎ Gilt-ridden – any time you’re less than chipper, any time you have an angry thought about someone, any time you just can’t do something you think you should or what someone else wants, any time you take a minute out for yourself, anytime someone’s angry at you, any time you’re not perfect……

✔︎ Obsessive – endlessly ‘chewing the cud’, going ’round & ’round about:
– something you did or didn’t do, that you’re sure is going to make others turn away from you in anger or disgust – OR
– about what someone said that hurt, or what they didn’t do that you wanted….. wasting time & energy trying to figure out why?
SO you can fix it & not be abandoned!

NEXT:Internal Negatives #2

Co-Dependence Negatives – Intro-b

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , , , , ,

I’M PROUD OF WORKING
harder than everyone else!

PREVIOUS: Co-dep Intro-a

SITE: Childhood Trauma Recovery ARCHIVE

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

The HIGH COST of ‘too nice’ (cont)
Co-Dependence & Anger have a reciprocal connection. Some people compensate for their fear/terror of rejection – for having their own needs, opinions & emotions such as anger – by using people-pleasing tactics. They may not have started out angry, but the longer they have to suppress their own needs & feelings, the angrier they get.  ‘Fake-nice’ has its limits, so when we can no longer hold down the rage that’s been building, we can explode outward – at others, OR or implode – on ourselves, getting depressed, physically ill &/or suicidal. (see also 3 posts)

Active Co-deps have not yet learned that:
• it’s normal for everyone to experience anger, being part of the kaleidoscope of emotions we’re born capable of
• we can give ourselves permission to feel & deal with all emotions
• there’s a difference between the WIC’s anger from S-H thoughts & unrealistic demands of others vs. appropriate anger at being victimized by family & others
• the best way to manage anger is to deal with it as soon as we can, each time we feel it – so it doesn’t have a chance to build up
• it’s imperative to find legitimate, effective outlets for anger, so it doesn’t get vented in situations harmful to ourselves or others
(‘Anger & Co-dependency‘. Great site by Dr. Irene)

Michelle Ferris (LMFT) offers 3 Co-Dep traits that breed anger & resentment
:
1. The Illusion of control — over others (the Serenity Prayer backwards)
2. Being a Superhero — always over-giving, never asking for help
3. The Lie of being FINE — superheroes aren’t supposed to be vulnerable or have needs (MORE….)

GIVER or TAKER??

In their book “The Givers & Takers“, the authors Evatt & Feld point out that – ironically – Takers are more ‘desirable’, in spite of & because of being less available, less forthcoming & less sensitive. When they do give – it’s more reluctantly, sporadically & for calculated reasons. They’re the ones who lean back instead of forward in their chair when having a conversation, who seem not to need anything, who have an air of mystery. Yet, they’re considered more sexually & socially attractive, while Easy/Soft is considered uninteresting!

The authors believe these are the Introverts of the world, while the Givers are the Extrovert. There may be some validity in that, because Introverts don’t need or want as much contact & interaction with others. But it’s not the whole story.
Introversion is an inborn characteristic & is not a sign of emotional damage.
On the other hand, dyed-in-the-wool Takers are more likely to be trying to compensate for childhood damage – withholding, arrogant, insecure & narcissistic – hiding behind silence, while feeding off of others who chase them.

Now, if you are the co-dependent Giver type, unavailables are like catnip to you – BUT you don’t want to be one of them! You’re too driven to give, sacrifice, be needed, rescue & fix – to be aloof. HOWEVER – if you are indeed an extrovert/ connector type by nature, you really do have a good heart, so it’s imperative you learn to moderate how much you give & to whom – if you want mental health & true safety. (Healthy Helping).

Not the Real you? Angry-niceness is a damage-trait, like all other character defects. The big mistake many of us make is to think these patterns represent our real personality, murmuring: “Well, that’s just who I am, I can’t help it.” Actually, it’s a manifestation of the False Self, rather than written in stone. So the good news is that it can slowly be changed, or at least greatly modified.

NEXT: INTERNAL negatives