PREVIOUS: Outgrowing …. #3
RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOl 3. ASSERTIVENESS
TOOL 4. HAVING RIGHTS
++ To outgrow P-P we need a replacement for the Toxic Rules that drive our co-dependence. We need to know our RIGHTS. This makes us less scared, giving us the courage to ask for what is rightfully ours, diminishing the grip of co-dependence
Instead of having to ‘sing for our supper’, we want to acknowledge & act on RIGHTS which are everyone’s birthright. They are strictly for our benefit, not in order to be ‘good’ or to take care of others. As we start living by them, eventually they can become automatic!
YOU have a RIGHT —
❤︎ to Think, Feel, Speak & Act according to your True Self
❤︎ to be treated respectfully, no matted the circumstance
❤︎ to never say “I’m sorry” for being yourself, or just for being here & taking up space 😎
❤︎ to discover your passions & pursue them without interference
❤︎ to appreciate yourself whenever you stand your ground
❤︎ to not feel guilty for taking care of yourself or saying ‘no’
❤︎ to take time out to answer a Q or request (“I’ll let you know”)
❤︎ to not care – so much! You can’t carry the burden of all the world’s problems – there are too many, just as the whole world can not care about yours. And since none of us has the power to fix another person, you can stick to handling the things that matter the most to you, to get the most out of your efforts
❤︎ to offer nojustification! Don’t lie, but don’t explain. Trying to prove your point – to unreceptive ears – can easily become self-humiliating. When an explanation is required, keep your answers clear & short
YOU have a RIGHT—
❤︎ to make mistakes // to not know // to be incompetent (every so often)
❤︎ to ask for help // to change your mind // to ask Qs
❤︎ to not be responsible for other people’s needs, actions or problems
❤︎ to disagree with others & express your opinion // to not respond to ‘stupidity’
❤︎ to stop victimizing yourself
• Never chase perfection – there’s no such possibility for human beings. Only God is perfect. Focus on your actual qualities, natural talents & accomplishments
• Know when your kindness is being taken advantage of, speak up about it & pull back some
• Don’t compare yourself with others. Since each of us has a separate body & separate personality, we also each have our own life path. Live yours!
• Always be kind to yourself. Stop self-hating thoughts as soon as there pop up, checking to see what abandonment trigger set it off (BOOK: “Compassion & Self-Hate – An alternative to Despair“- T. Rubin)
❤︎ to be helpful & generous to others — IF you have enough PMES supplies of your own to share. Only do what you are legitimately capable of, what fits with your own self-care needs & when you have the time (unless there’s an emergency that only you can deal with – which is rare)
❤︎ to take time out for yourself, even a little every day – to dream, to imagine a new possibility or something creative, to process the day’s experiences, to revel in an accomplishment, compliment or triumph
❤︎ to find & maintain contact with support systems in various parts of your life, the kinds that fit your personal tastes, your work concerns, family needs & social interests. Let others give you whatever help & encouragement they have to offer – if it’s what you need!
As the Al-anon Closing says ” ……We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that ‘though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.”
❤︎ YOU HAVE a RIGHT to assert all these rights! (‘My Rights – Qs’)
NEXT: Outgrowing co-dep #5a