OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 2)

06/11/201712/29/2022 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, recovery, Self-esteem acoa recovery, codependence, conflict, identify boundaries, people-pleasing, practice saying NO, self-care

THERE ARE MANY WAYS
to help myself ‘let go’

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing P-P #1

SITE : 45 Confidence Exercises…..

<—- IMAGE from : “16 Acts of Self-Care to Get You Thru 2017

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 1. Facing FEARS 

TOOL 2. SELF-WORTH
++ Self-esteem is fundamentally the result of unconditional love! To outgrow the need to P-P we can work at providing that for ourselves now, even tho we didn’t get is as kids. Our attention has to be internal – on who we are, what we need, what our rights are & how well we take care of ourselves

☁︎ Co-deps base a lot of their ‘value’ on how much they do for others. This is self-defeating, guaranteeing ‘failure’, because —
— it’s only about action rather than personal identity: external vs internal
— we’re selfishly using others as a prop for our WIC’s distorted self-image
— we’re dependent on the unpredictability of how others respond to us
— we can never do enough for some people, so we’ll always come up short

— we can never fix anyone else’s pain, & even if it were possible, the people we most want to ‘save’ (rescuing=false helping) are usually the most recalcitrant (absolutely UNwilling to work on themselves!)
— some people will never give us any appreciation or validation. Sadly those are the ones we chase the hardest & longest!

Self-esteem allows for INTIMACY. To be capable of intimacy we need to overcome a large chunk of our self-hate – by developing at least a working knowledge of our Rights, using good Boundaries, h PP voice aving a range of Emotions & a nodding acquaintance with our Inner Child, the UNIT & our True Self.

SOURCE – “Getting it” in your bones that you didn’t cause your need to develop co-dep will greatly quiet the self-hate & PP voices, which say that it is your fault. Then you can outgrow the need for people-pleasing (P-P) which is one of many defense mechanisms. We are “Damaged, not defective”

☁︎ If you’re an ACoA, your needs & emotions (Es) were stomped on & ignored. Being ‘too nice’ was one way you survived, even if your siblings chose a different way to protect themselves. What does this tell us?
That we used whatever we could to deal with an emotionally & physically dangerous upbringing. We didn’t create that situation, SO this pattern is not an innate flaw in us. It’s correctable!

Outgrow P-P is a combination of:
— rooting out abusive self-talk & correcting distorted ideas about life (CDs)
— consistently comforting & nurturing ourselves (self-care)

TOOL 3. ASSERTIVENESS
++ Practice saying YES to the things you do want
• SUCH AS things you’ve had an interest in or passionate about since childhood, even if you never got to pursue them. Now you can pick them up, just for pleasure, or maybe to start a whole new career:
— Say yes to learning new skills that will improve your income
— Say yes to healthier friends & lovers, jobs, living space….
— Say yes to a new couch, better clothes, flowers….(when you can)
— Say yes to filling some of your down-time with ‘good, clean fun’
— Say yes to taking time out just for yourself, to recharge

➤ Say YES to one thing you’ve been wanting to do (a small tattoo, a dance class, a Spiritual retreat…..), but are afraid others won’t like it or will make fun of it. Too bad. Do it anyway!

• There are other things you can be enthused about as short-term enjoyment, something or someone you’re only into for a while (maybe even a few years) and then: You got what you wanted from the experience // or you did as much with it as you could // or you’ve gradually become disappointed in it // or you, they or it has changed, & now it doesn’t suit you anymore…. You’re done, so move on & choose new PPT

NEXT: Outgrowing P-P #3

Procrastinators Anon TOOLS

08/22/201612/25/2022 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help acoa recovery, being competent, book ending with Inner Child, process, putting things off, self-care, stop procrastination

PREVIOUS: RE-ORGANIZED pages

THESE TOOLS ARE GREAT.
I’ll try them later!

PREVIOUS: ACoAS & Procrastination (#5)

POSTS: “ACoAs & Procrastination” / / “Weak Decision Styles”

Procrastinators-Anonymous.org – “a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.”
TOOLS for RECOVERY
1. Break It Down: Break down projects into specific action steps; include preparation tasks in the breakdown.

2. Visualize: Plan what to do, then imagine yourself doing it. The more specific and vivid your visualization, the better. See yourself doing the task, and doing it well.

3. Ask Yourself Why: While you are visualizing doing the task, see if you can detect what it is about the task that feels odious to you, what uncomfortable emotions you are avoiding. Knowing what’s behind the avoidance can help you get past it – for example, address real problems or ignore irrational fears.

4. Focus on Long-Term Consequences: Procrastinators have a tendency to focus on short-term pleasure, and shut out awareness of long-term consequences. Remind yourself how panicked and awful you’ll feel if the task isn’t done, then imagine how good it will feel when the task is finished.

5. Avoid Time Binging: One reason procrastinators dread starting is that once they start they don’t let themselves stop. Plan to work on a task for a defined period of time, then set a timer. When the timer goes off, you’re done.

6. Use Small Blocks of Time: Procrastinators often have trouble doing tasks in incremental steps, and wait for big blocks of time that never come. When you have small blocks of time, use them to work on the task at hand.

7. Avoid Perfectionism: Procrastinators have a tendency to spend more time on a task than it warrants, so tasks that should be quick to do take an agonizingly long time. Notice this tendency and stop yourself. Some things require completion, not perfection.

8. Keep a Time Log: Increase your awareness of time by logging what you are doing throughout the day. This is a great diagnostic tool for discovering where your time went, and an excellent way to become better at estimating how long tasks take.

9. Develop Routines: To help structure your day and make a habit of things you always need to do, develop routines for what you do when you wake up, regular tasks of your workday, and what you need to do before going to bed.

10. Bookend Tasks and Time: Use the Bookending board on the P.A. Web site to check in throughout the day, or at the beginning or end of specific tasks you are dreading.

Please visit Procrastinators-Anonymous.org for more info. Details are at the top of the Bookending board. AS A REMINDER:

NEXT: WEAK Decision Styles, #1

Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY (Part 1)

12/27/201504/24/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help abandonament, empowering, loving parent, maing mistakes, outgrowing fear of commitment, self-care, success habits, visibility

ONCE I FIGURE OUT MY PASSION
I’ll commit to it whole-heatedly

PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6

SITE: FoC Workbook: How To Overcome Fear Of Commitment

2. RE-ENACTING FoC (a-j)
3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment

4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (See Point #2, Parts 2a-d)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion.

Of course, many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. We can’t feel truly safe until we consistently care about ourself, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.

• All our anxiety is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of stuck in an unhappy past.

OUTGROW FEAR of:
a. Abandonment – BY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by ‘getting it’ in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!

b. Compromises – BY understanding & accepting that bending a little when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
c. Leaving Family – BY forming alliances with a variety of people & groups that are working towards : mental health, spiritual growth, social
progress, sharing a passion & having fun

d. Losing Control – BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so your Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PigP or WIC. Then others cannot control you!

e. Mistakes – BY understanding that all humans make mistakes sometimes, & that mistakes are how we learn

f. Responsibility – BY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what it’s NOT. Each adult is responsible for themself, if possible & to your best ability. You are not your Higher Power

g. S & I – BY developing your UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family

h.Trapped – BY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with, or when it’s time to leave

i. Truth – BY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses

j. Vulnerable – BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls

SUGGESTION – using a tool of NLP
a. Choose a phrase about commitment with the strongest FEAR attached to it for you. Use our own words.
EXP: Relationships mean too much responsibility.

• See the sentence out in front of you, in the air or on a blackboard – so it’s outside of your brain
• Then, say each word with one breath between them. Then again with 2 breaths, then 3, then 4 then 5. Stop.

b. Reverse: choose an opposite phase you want to grow into – using your own words. EXP: “Relationships bring me peace, joy & love”.
Then say it with the same breath sequence as above, 1-5 between each word.
Rinse, lather & REPEAT each day, for a month. Notice & record any changes & improvements in your thinking &/or emotions

⚪️ Then pick another phrase & do the same. EXP:
✦ “Being Committed to another means being trapped” —-> “Being Committed to myself means I’m free to choose others”
✦ “Trusting any human Higher Power means disappointment or obliteration” (see Part 2) —-> “Trusting THE H.P. means permanent safety & support”

c. Picture the near Future You with the new belief – as you’ll be in a year from now. Give it a name like “Safer Me” / “More Trusting ME” / “More Relaxed ME”……
• Visualize every aspect of that Future You – where you’re living, the friends, great job/career, income…. & challenges you’ve successfully overcome

• See Future You as your mentor & ask what are the best choices to make now to get there
• ARRIVING: When you find yourself living in the new belief, remember to send love & encouragement to the past you. This will bridge time & space, further reinforcing the effectiveness of this exercise.

NEXT: FoC – Recovery, Part 2

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 6a)

12/23/201504/24/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help fear of commitment, self-care, self-defeating patterns, stayers & leavers, zig ziglar

DATING IS HARD WORK!
I always have to be ‘on’

PREVIOUS: FoC – #5

2. RE-ENACTING (a-j)

3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment
There are also POSITIVE things that interfere with our willingness to Commit, such as :
a. Fear of self-care – To the WIC, C. to ourselves means having to give up the fantasy that someone will come along & rescue us.
12-Step Programs remind us that to truly progress, we need to put our Recovery first, before all else – particularly true for newcomers.

♥️ Commitment to ourself:
• requires the guts to go against all our early training, managing the resulting guilt & backlash
• means re-defining terms like ‘selfish, normal, fair, family, love’….
• means talking to the WIC every day, Meetings, 2-handed writing, books, therapy…. as much as possible.
Once our Inner Child trusts that we’ll consistently show up for it, making a commitment to others won’t be so scary

➼ If you’re in Integrity – true to Deepest Self – & are accused of Selfishness, it simply means you’re not doing what the other person wants.
Don’t let someone guilt you into betraying your values, observations & beliefs. You can comply with their wishes if it suits you, but not from FoA

b. F of being treated well & loved. To the WIC, C. to anything or anyone positive, means having to feel the contrast between the suffering our family (& others) put us thru – against – now being seen & heard for who we are, treated with kindness & respect. We start to understand what could have been, in a saner family. Painful & enraging.

• BUT we don’t want to be disloyal to our parents, afraid to hurt them. After all, they said/say they love us, right? How can we admit otherwise?Yet many of us actually believe that wanting to be loved is a character defect! Infer all, if they couldn’t – how dare we still want something we have no right to?!

But being loved is a fundamental & universal human need, which we had very little of when we needed it the most! So now we’re attracted to & stay with PPT that are either blatantly bad for us, not actually bad but unsuited to our True Self, or which only partly meet our needs.

• We’re afraid to grow up, afraid to be ‘vulnerable’.
Being treated with consideration, patience, admiration, encouragement…. forces us to FEEL the abandonment we grew up with – how much we missed out on, & to think: “I could have had a V-8!” – which means : “I didn’t cause the pain I grew up in. With healthier parents I would have been safe & loved!” 😢

c. F of our Power – To the WIC, C. to our own strength means eclipsing family members, so in some way destroys them.
🔥 Any sign of ‘stepping into our power’, being smart, knowing our rights & being able to shine was considered arrogant, presumptuous, even sinful. Beside all the verbal & physical abuse for just being a normal kid, many of us got smacked down badly if we ever let some of our natural strength out.

😡 The other down side of showing competence & strength as a kid was that one of more of the damaged adults used it – like a nightmare octopus – to feed off of us! (Post: “Personal Power”)

So, between being abused and used – we had to hide most of who we truly were, & adapt to what would get us through.
Expressing our strengths as a kid would actually have meant being :
– a disruptive threat to the whole dysfunctional system
– a signal they might no longer be able to ‘mess’ with us
– an attempt to disengage the symbiosis, triggering THEIR FoA
– highlighting the adults’ weaknesses & limitations
– usurping the narcissists’ limelight

That left us invisible to ourself – not knowing what we’re inherently capable of, unable to commit or connect in a genuine way. And our co-dependence tells us that if we outshine others, we’ll be bad for making them feel bad about themselves. Then they won’t like us, plus we’re terrified of their envy-backlash.

🌀 And, now – If we do get an inkling of our healthy power, so foreign & undeserved, it can set off panic – at first . To let others actually SEE us feels life-and-death dangerous. But as we continue to inhabit our natural skin, we become more & more comfortable.

NOTE – Unhealthy responses from others & our resulting terror ONLY happens when dealing with very wounded / abusive people!

NEXT: FoC – #3a

PERMISSION to LEAVE

07/14/201504/08/2023 dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help acoa recovery, letting go, mark twain, self-care, selfish, toxic people

PREVIOUS: “Kind Self-Healing” book

A NEW YEAR SUGGESTION

SITE: “Staying away
from TOXIC people”

Normally I’m not fond of cutesie, ‘uplifting’ saying, but I know some of us are still struggling with the belief that it’s unkind & selfish to disengage (whatever that means for you) from unhealthy people who do not take responsibility for their damage and don’t want to /can’t yet do the hard work of Recovery.

So I’m posting a bunch of statements about permission, in the hope
that they may be of encouragement to make some changes this year.