Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY (Part 1)

I’ll commit to it whole-heatedly

PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6

SITE: FoC Workbook: How To Overcome Fear Of Commitment

2. RE-ENACTING  FoC (a-j)
3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment 

4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (See Point #2, Parts 2a-d)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion.

Of course, many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. We can’t feel truly saloving parentfe until we consistently care about ourself, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.

• All our anxiety is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of stuck in an unhappy past.

a. AbandonmentBY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by ‘getting it’ in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!

b. CompromisesBY understanding & accepting that bending a little when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
c. Leaving Family
BY forming alliances with a variety of people & groups that are working towards : mental health, spiritual growth, social
progress, sharing a passion & having fun

d. Losing Control BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so your Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PigP or WIC. Then others cannot control you!

e. Mistakes BY understanding that all humans make mistakes sometimes, & that mistakes are how we learn

f. ResponsibilityBY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what it’s NOT. Each adult is responsible for themself, if possible & to your best ability. You are not your Higher Power

g. S & IBY developing your UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family

h.TrappedBY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with, or when it’s time to leave

i. Truth – BY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses

j. Vulnerable BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls

SUGGESTION –  using a tool of NLP
. Choose a phrase about commitment with the strongest FEAR attached to it for you. Use our own words.
EXP: Relationships mean too much responsibility.

• See the sentence out in front of you, in the air or on a blackboard – so it’s outside of your brain
• Then, say each word with one breath between them. Then again with 2 breaths, then 3, then 4 then 5. Stop.

b. Reverse: choose an opposite phase you want to grow into – using your own words. EXP: “Relationships bring me peace, joy & love”.
Then say it with the same breath sequence as above, 1-5 between each word.
Rinse, lather & REPEAT each day, for a month. Notice & record any changes & improvements in your thinking &/or emotions

⚪️  Then pick another phrase & do the same. EXP:
✦ “Being Committed to another means being trapped” —-> “Being Committed to myself means I’m free to choose others”
✦ “Trusting any human Higher Power means disappointment or obliteration” (see Part 2) —-> “Trusting THE H.P. means permanent safety & support”

c. Picture the near Future You with the new belief – as you’ll be in a year from now. Give it a name like “Safer Me” / “More Trusting ME” / “More Relaxed ME”……
• Visualize every aspect of that Future You – where you’re living, the friends, great job/career, income…. & challenges you’ve successfully overcome

• See Future You as your mentor & ask what are the best choices to make now to get there
• ARRIVING: When you find yourself living in the new belief, remember to send love & encouragement to the past you. This will bridge time & space, further reinforcing the effectiveness of this exercise.

NEXT: FoC – Recovery, Part 2

2 thoughts on “Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY (Part 1)

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