PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6
4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (Point #2, Parts 2a-d)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion.
Of course many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. We can’t feel truly safe until we thoroughly care about ourselves, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.
• Each of these fears is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of stuck in its unhappy past.
OUTGROW FEAR of:
a. Abandonment – BY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by getting it in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!
b. Compromises – BY understanding & accepting that bending a little, when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
c. Leaving Family – BY forming alliances with a variety of groups that are working towards: mental health, spiritual growth, social progress, sharing a passion & having fun
d. Losing Control – BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so that your Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PP or WIC. Then others cannot control you
e. Mistakes – BY understanding that all humans make mistakes, & that mistakes are how we learn
f. Responsibility – BY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what is NOT. Each adult is responsible for themselves. You are not their Higher Power
g. S & I – BY developing your own UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family
h.Trapped – BY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with, or when it’s time to leave
i. Truth – BY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses
j. Vulnerable – BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls
SUGGESTION – using a tool of NLP
a. Choose a phrase about commitment with the strongest FEAR attached to it for you. Use our own words.
EXP: Relationships mean too much responsibility.
• See the sentence out in front of you, in the air or on a blackboard – so it’s outside of your brain
• Then, say each word with one breath between them. Then again with 2 breaths, then 3, then 4 then 5. Stop.
b. Reverse: choose an opposite phase that you want to grow into – using your own words. EXP: “Relationships bring me peace & love”.
Then say it with the same breath sequence as above – 1-5 between each word.
Rinse, lather & REPEAT each day, for a month. Notice & record any changes & improvements in your thinking &/or emotions
❇️ Then pick another phrase & do the same. EXP:
✦ “Commitment to ME means losing family” —-> “Committing to ME means I’m never alone”
✦ “Trusting any Higher Power means obliteration” (see Part 2) —-> “Trusting my H.P. means permanent support”
c. PICTURE the near Future You with the new belief – as you’ll be maybe in a year from now. Give it a name like “Safer Me” / “More Trusting ME” / “More Relaxed ME”……
• Visualize every aspect of that Future You – where you’re living, the friends, great job/career, income…. & challenges you’ve successfully overcome
• See Future You as your mentor & ask it what are the best choices to make now to get there
• ARRIVING: When you find yourself living in the new belief, remember to send love & encouragement to the past you. This will bridge time & space, further reinforcing the effectiveness of this exercise.
NEXT: FoC – Recovery 2