PREVIOUS: S-H #2
FoO = Family of origin
🔻 “I won’t sleep if that’s what it takes to not wake up as myself”
🔻 “To keep my mind occupied when I can’t sleep. Some people count sheep. I self-loathe.” ―
🥶 “Hostility, malice, and sadism are the result of helplessness and self-loathing; that they are all produced by adaptation to a hypercritical social reality and are not attributable to innate aggression.” ―
3. PURPOSE of S-H is TO:
• protect our fantasy of having good, loving, safe parents
• protect us from feeling the reservoir of old abandonment pain
• keep from risking any change via S & I (letting go means we’ll die)
• keep us attached to the family (stave off deep loneliness)
• prevent us from dealing with ‘ugly emotions’ like our rage, envy, longing, hopelessness….
• protect us from Growing up, taking care of ourselves (we want to be taken care of! no matter what the cost is)
The above reasons are all part of the answer, but the MAIN one is that: It gives us a FALSE SENSE of POWER! How?
Since every child is self-centered, which is normal, they think everything is about them – whatever happens in or around them has to do with them.
The child’s logic says: “I’m in pain, so I somehow caused it. Therefore I CAN/must stop them from hurting me, if I can just figure out how!”
• Then we spend the rest of our childhood (& well into adulthood, until Recovery) trying different ways to FIX whatever the problem was & may still be – re:
US – by re-inventing ourselves (must be the origin of this USA craze) by trying on different ‘personae‘ (be the perfect kid, the trouble maker, the helper, get good grades, be invisible, don’t have any needs, be funny…)
THEM – by trying to make our parents see reason, get sober, get help, leave the marriage, get taken care of by us, cover up for them, fix their ‘craziness’, cater to their every whim….
Unfortunately NONE of our EFFORTS WORKED! In most cases ‘they’ didn’t change, didn’t listen, wouldn’t stop – drinking, raging, being unsuccessful, molesting, beating us, leaving, cheating, berating….!
But we kept trying, always asking: What’s wrong with ME?
• Even if some of our parents did stop drinking, very few were willing to do the deeper work to become healthier human beings, & mostly were just “Dry Drunks”. We assumed their ‘sobriety’ was because we were extra good, prayed really hard or badgered them into it. BUT they still kept hurting us. The result for us as kids was an intense feeling of failure!
• This is why so many ACoAs believe we’re FRAUDS – that people will eventually, inevitably FIND OUT.
Q: Find what out?
A: “Since I couldn’t make my parents/ family get well, be happy & be there for me – I’ll NEVER able ably to succeed at anything else!” (WIC logic)
It’s a belief / assumption ACoAs are not usually aware of, and is equally believed by the less accomplished AND the most outwardly successful ACoAs, pre-FoO Recovery. Unfortunately what we don’t realize is that the fundamental premise is false: no child was ever responsible for adult messes & were never supposed to be responsible for making them better!
NEXT: S-H #4