SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 4)


there has to be a better way!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & S-H (#3)

QUOTE: “Too many people overvalue what they are not, & undervalue what they are.”∼ Malcolm S. Forbes

2. SOURCES of Self-Hate
of S-H

By following our family’s dysfunctional training, ACoAs pile on more self-hate because of our self-defeating / self-destructive actions, thoughts & feeling –  towards ourselves (T.E.A.), along with how we let others treat us, AND how we treat them BY:

• denying our anger at others, swallowing it & getting depressed
• C.D. = black & white thinking, all or nothing, awfulizing… (when one of these
extremes doesn’t work out, we hate ourselves even more)
• talking to ourselves in ‘shoulds’ (I should go back to school right away, although I ‘m not really up to it now…..)
• trying to be perfect, & hating ourselves for not being able to
• ‘yelling’ at ourselves – calling ourself stupid, crazy, weak…

• active addictions & all other forms of self-denying, self-defeating, self-destructive behaviors (the big ways take big bites out of our soul, & the little ways sneakily gnaw away at us ! because it’s hard to catch the harm they do)

• being obnoxious, continual boasting, telling people off, arrogance, acting superior… (it keep us disconnected from others)
• cheat, lie, manipulate, control
• not following thru… with plans, promises, goals OR self-care
• regularly getting into verbal (&/or physical) fights, to punish & isolate
• sabotaging opportunities & preventing ourselves from going after what we want in life
• trying to do the impossible (change others, instead of ourselves)

• choosing & then staying with people who continually hurt us, don’t understand or can’t listen, can’t mirror us, who use us, manipulate….
• humiliating ourselves by: telling all our faults, over-disclosing, trying desperately to convince someone (who doesn’t care) that we’re not as bad/wrong stupid as they think

• let others use us, take advantage, continually cross our boundaries
• mistrust everyone OR trust everyone, indiscriminately (copy our sick parents or play out the Scapegoat role)
• not standing up for ourselves – our rights, tastes, needs….
• trying to ‘one up’ others – to cover feeling ‘less than’

5. RESULTS of Self-Hate
a. Keeps us :
• a victim – believing we deserve whatever abuse or neglect we receive, any time, any place
• ‘anorexic’: under-earning, little or no affection, sex, love, attention, connections….
• afraid to know our ‘true self’ – which we’re sure is awful, maybe even evil
• depressed,  paranoid, hopeless, suicidal
• in an impotent rage (overt or hidden)
images-2because we still want things we think we can’t have or get

• perfectionistic – expect too much of ourselves: we’re bad if we don’t have the American dream, higher education, lots of money, the right job / car / house / spouse ….
• taking everything personally!!! The wrong look, being ignored, a selfish remark… from others can send us into a tailspin
• trapped in a constant state of FoA (fear of abandonment) – neediness, vulnerability, fear of being hurt or left alone

b. Reinforces:
• the belief that we have no rights, while thinking we can / must control everything & everyone (opposite of the Serenity Prayer)!
• the compulsion to stay symbiotically attached – to family & everyone else – because we don’t know we have a “True Self” to rely on
• letting others abuse us (we may even invite it) without stopping them or holding them accountable….
• the ‘need’ for addictions & any other forms of self-destructiveness
• staying in a rage because no one’s willing to take care of us, fix, us, magically make it all better

Next: S-H #5

One thought on “SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 4)

  1. Wow, what a post! These three posts about S-H encompass so much – and I love them because I love/need the big picture.


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