SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 5)



BOOK:  Compassion & Self-Hate
— Theodore Rubin  (highly recommended)




QUOTES: 🔻“Self-care is never a selfish act–it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” — Parker Palmer
“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
🔻“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” — M. Scott Peck 

5. RESULTS of Self-Hate (cont)

Self-Hate PREVENTS us from:
• knowing there’s goodness, kindness & love – in the world and for US
trusting our intuition & accumulated knowledge / experiences
421743_3090782943986_1096368395_33253906_1089468599_n• knowing & valuing our good qualities & natural tendencies (being sensitive, artistic, emotional, intelligent, talented in some way, talkative, having a strong personality…)

• having dreams, wishes & hopes, & so can’t pursue them
• having boundaries (who do you think you are?)
• letting people get too close to us – S-H prevents genuine intimacy
• developing a Loving Inner Parent to nurture ourselves
• being relaxed, having fun, being light
• being able to grow, heal & enjoy life (believe we’re too messed up to ever get well, find love, leave ‘them’, have our dreams…)

6. RECOVERY from Self-Hate
a. INFO: S-H is a false belief & painful emotion – it is NOT who we are. We were not born hating ourselves. We had to learn it!
THEREFORE – it does not have to be permanent. We can outgrow it.

b. Awareness  – of what exactly S-H is & what it’s for
• that all our ‘failures’ & character defects are the result of our S-H (see  “Negative Benefits of Self-destructive Patterns”)
• the origin of S-H: it’s the direct, inevitable result of the myriad ways we were abandoned as kids on all 4 levels: P.M.E.S.
✶ 3 Cs of Al-Anon: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it!

c. Acceptance – of all our emotions, even S-H: Don’t hate yourself for hating yourself! We just don’t have to act on them (Es) all th12065669231219144528Anonymous_work_in_progress.svg.mede time
• need to ‘sit with feelings’, go into them, don’t try to suppress them – they will pass
• we learned toxic rules from our family, but we can be free of it

• expect some backlash (from ourselves & others) when we start disobeying our ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ & the way we respond to people
• that we’re responsible for our own emotions & how we deal with them

• that WE were NOT the cause of our early suffering. We simple did not have the power to make our parents mistreat us!
• being loved cannot be earned.  The other person must already have the ability to love! We can not create that ability in another

d. Action – Change the thoughts / messages we’ve been believing.  Make new statements & repeat them every day. (See Why are you stuck? – & use the chart).
• Change how we behave – not let ourselves be bullied, disrespected, not considered (it’s OUR job to say how we want to be treated)

STOP trying to fix / change other people. It’s arrogant & futile
• Actively work at correcting our understanding of life & others – not everyone is safe, nor is everyone dangerous

• Choose winners: kind, balanced, functional people to associate with.  They don’t have to be ‘flawless’ or without damage. They mainly have to be willing to take responsibility for their own Ts, Es & As
Repeat to yourself every day: No matter what I do – I don’t deserve abuse for it!

NEXT: Rescuing

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