SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 5)

: ACoAs & S-H (#4)

BOOK: The Self-Compassion Workbook: Practical Exercises re. T.E.As with Kindness ∼ Joy Johnson, LCSW


QUOTES: 🔻“Self-care is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” Parker Palmer, author, educator, activist
“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” ∼ Eleanor Roosevelt
🔻“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” ∼ M. Scott Peck 


5. RESULTS of Self-Hate (cont)
☹️Self-Hate PREVENTS us from:
• being relaxed, having fun, being light
• being able to grow, heal & enjoy life (believe we’re too messed up to ever get well, find love, leave ‘them’, have our dreams…)421743_3090782943986_1096368395_33253906_1089468599_n
• developing a Loving Inner Parent to nurture ourselves
• having dreams, wishes & hopes, & so can’t pursue them
PREVENTS us from :
• having boundaries (“who do you think you are?”)
• knowing there’s goodness, kindness & love – in the world and for US
• knowing & valuing our good qualities & natural tendencies (being sensitive, artistic, courageous, emotional, intelligent, talented in some way, a good talker)
• letting people get too close to us – S-H prevents genuine intimacy
trusting our intuition & accumulated knowledge / experiences

6. RECOVERY from Self-Hate
a. INFO: S-H is a false belief & painful emotion – it is NOT who we are. We were not born hating ourselves. We had to learn it!
THEREFORE – it does not have to be permanent. We can outgrow it.

b. Awareness  – of what exactly S-H is & what it’s for
✶ 3 Cs of Al-Anon: “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure 12065669231219144528Anonymous_work_in_progress.svg.medit!”
• the origin of S-H : it’s the direct, inevitable result of the myriad ways we were abandoned as kids on all 4 levels of P.M.E.S.
• that our ‘failures’ & character defects are the result of our S-H (see  “Negative Benefits of Self-destructive Patterns”)

c. Acceptance – of all our emotions, even S-H: Don’t hate yourself for hating yourself! We just don’t have to act on them (Es) all the time
• being loved cannot be earned.  The other person must already have the ability to love! We can not create that ability in another
• expect some backlash (from ourselves & others) when we start disobeying our ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ & the way we respond to people
• that we learned toxic rules from our family, but we can be free of it
Accept that
• we’re responsible for our own emotions & how we deal with them
• WE were NOT the cause of our early suffering. We simple did not have the power to make our parents mistreat us!
• we need to ‘sit with feelings’, go into them, don’t try to suppress them – they will pass

d. Action – Change the thoughts / messages we’ve been believing by making new statements & repeat them every day. (See Why are you stuck? – & use the chart).
• Actively work at correcting our understanding of life & others – not everyone is safe, nor is everyone dangerous
• Change how we behave – not let ourselves be bullied, disrespected, not considered… It’s OUR job to say how we want to be treated
• Choose winners: kind, balanced, functional people to associate with.  They don’t have to be ‘flawless’ or without damage. They mainly have to be willing to take responsibility for their own Ts, Es & As
STOP trying to fix / change other people. It’s arrogant & futile
Repeat to yourself every day: No matter what I do – I don’t deserve abuse for it!

NEXT: Rescuing – False Helping, #1

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