PREVIOUS: ACoAs & S-H (#4)
BOOK: The Self-Compassion Workbook: Practical Exercises re. T.E.As with Kindness ∼ Joy Johnson, LCSW
⬅️ ARTWORK by DMT
QUOTES: 🔻“Self-care is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” ∼ Parker Palmer, author, educator, activist
🔻 “Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” ∼ Eleanor Roosevelt
🔻“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” ∼ M. Scott Peck
3. PURPOSE of S-H
4. How S-H is MAINTAINED
5. RESULTS of Self-Hate (cont)
☹️Self-Hate PREVENTS us from:
• being relaxed, having fun, being light
• being able to grow, heal & enjoy life (believe we’re too messed up to ever get well, find love, leave ‘them’, have our dreams…)
• developing a Loving Inner Parent to nurture ourselves
• having dreams, wishes & hopes, & so can’t pursue them
PREVENTS us from :
• having boundaries (“who do you think you are?”)
• knowing there’s goodness, kindness & love – in the world and for US
• knowing & valuing our good qualities & natural tendencies (being sensitive, artistic, courageous, emotional, intelligent, talented in some way, a good talker)
• letting people get too close to us – S-H prevents genuine intimacy
• trusting our intuition & accumulated knowledge / experiences
6. RECOVERY from Self-Hate
a. INFO: S-H is a false belief & painful emotion – it is NOT who we are. We were not born hating ourselves. We had to learn it!
THEREFORE – it does not have to be permanent. We can outgrow it.
b. Awareness – of what exactly S-H is & what it’s for
✶ 3 Cs of Al-Anon: “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it!”
• the origin of S-H : it’s the direct, inevitable result of the myriad ways we were abandoned as kids on all 4 levels of P.M.E.S.
• that our ‘failures’ & character defects are the result of our S-H (see “Negative Benefits of Self-destructive Patterns”)
c. Acceptance – of all our emotions, even S-H: Don’t hate yourself for hating yourself! We just don’t have to act on them (Es) all the time
• being loved cannot be earned. The other person must already have the ability to love! We can not create that ability in another
• expect some backlash (from ourselves & others) when we start disobeying our ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ & the way we respond to people
• that we learned toxic rules from our family, but we can be free of it
• we’re responsible for our own emotions & how we deal with them
• WE were NOT the cause of our early suffering. We simple did not have the power to make our parents mistreat us!
• we need to ‘sit with feelings’, go into them, don’t try to suppress them – they will pass
d. Action – Change the thoughts / messages we’ve been believing by making new statements & repeat them every day. (See “Why are you stuck?” – & use the chart).
• Actively work at correcting our understanding of life & others – not everyone is safe, nor is everyone dangerous
• Change how we behave – not let ourselves be bullied, disrespected, not considered… It’s OUR job to say how we want to be treated
• Choose winners: kind, balanced, functional people to associate with. They don’t have to be ‘flawless’ or without damage. They mainly have to be willing to take responsibility for their own Ts, Es & As
• STOP trying to fix / change other people. It’s arrogant & futile
➼ Repeat to yourself every day: “No matter what I do – I don’t deserve abuse for it!”
NEXT: Rescuing – False Helping, #1