NOTE: this pyramid is constructed in relation to websites (Amazon, Facebook….) & its users – how safe is it, how much of our personal info to give….However, we can apply the same criteria to our personal relationships, whether family, friends, lovers, work mates…..
People must (should) have basic trust needs met before moving into deeper interactions (PMES intimacy).
HOWEVER, ACoAs have not been allowed to trust their gut & still small voice, & so often ignore red flag signals from others or situations which are available from the very beginning – continuing to form a connection with inappropriate PPT which, over time, is disappointing or causes us harm.
Establishing trust, in any category, should be gradual. As the relationship progresses, skepticism need to be overcome by proof that the ‘other’ is trustworthy, dependable, consistent…. .
Then comfort level can increase, & new demands / expectations can be made. The relationship should progress through the stages, built on progressive experience. Higher levels of commitment cannot be gained before the lower ones are proven. (More…re. websites & users
♦ What’s BEST for RELATIONSHIPS : Passion or Dedication?
Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love identifies 3 elements that combine in different ways for different types of relationships:
▪︎ Passion is associated with physical attraction & intense emotional arousal.
▪︎ Intimacy refers to a sense of emotional closeness, comfort, and support between two people
▪︎ Commitment is the choice to be dedicated to a relationship and make an effort to preserve it for the long-term
a. All 3 combined is called “Consummate Love”, but doesn’t last – for most couple – because over time Passion often diminishes or fizzles as the novelty wears out
b. A high level of Intimacy + Commitment, but lower level of Passion is “Companionate Love”, based on common interests, sharing & deep friendship
Research shows that (b) tends to be the stuff happy marriages are made of, AND – people who are very dedicated to their relationship can take a proactive approach to keeping passion alive, such as doing exciting things together, since increased adrenaline can heighten attraction. (More….)
Healthy – Base needs: Physical attraction / chemistry, common interests, able to have fun, good communication, friendship
Middle: Respect, honesty, loyalty, reliance, physical affection, similar values, deepening friendship & communication, trust
Highest: Commitment, love, marriage, sex
♦ ORDER of FORMING Relationships
1. Rubin’s theory of love:
▪︎ Caring – valuing the other person needs as much as your own – but not more
▪︎ Attachment – the need to receive care, approval & physical contact
▪︎ Intimacy – sharing thoughts & emotions, desires, hopes, dreams
2. Hattfield’s version:
▪︎ Compassionate love – based on respect, attachment, trust, and its reciprocation
▪︎ Passionate love – based on intense emotions, sexual attraction & affection.
3. The relationship pyramid: It’s crucial to work from the bottom up, because if we consistently try to form relationships starting from the top, we could damage our heath…. :
…. Physically (STDs, unwanted pregnancy)
…. Emotionally (being used, ashamed/guilty, in fantasy)
…. Social (effect reputation, trouble at work, bad role model for siblings…)
So, following the healthier process helps prevent problems.
♦ LONG-TERM vs. SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS (More….)
♦ SEXUAL activity
This is from a Christian perspective, looking only at the top 3 categories:
🔆 Everything but – intercourse, before marriage. These are people who aren’t deeply connected to a religious community (an island) & since they’re much looser in their sexual options, can easily get often run into value conflicts with someone they date.
🌺 Kissing only, & holding hands, but no form of sexual activity. These people are driven & deeply spiritual, able to keep a balance between personal goals and keeping up a pleasant romantic relationship, without feeling feel too frustrated. They can maintain their innocence, which helps them to not cross the line.
😘 No dating til marriage. The belief is that God has somebody perfect in mind for you, & you’ll recognize them…. so in the mean time you’re just going to live for yourself & God until you meet the person you recognize as your soul mate. (More….)