DATING IS HARD WORK!
I always have to be ‘on’
PREVIOUS: FoC – #5
2. RE-ENACTING (a-j)
3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment
There are also POSITIVE things that interfere with our willingness to Commit, such as :
a. Fear of self-care – To the WIC, C. to ourselves means having to give up the fantasy that someone will come along & rescue us.
12-Step Programs remind us that to truly progress, we need to put our Recovery first, before all else – particularly true for newcomers.
♥️ Commitment to ourself:
• requires the guts to go against all our early training, managing the resulting guilt & backlash
• means re-defining terms like ‘selfish, normal, fair, family, love’….
• means talking to the WIC every day, Meetings, 2-handed writing, books, therapy…. as much as possible.
Once our Inner Child trusts that we’ll consistently show up for it, making a commitment to others won’t be so scary
➼ If you’re in Integrity – true to Deepest Self – & are accused of Selfishness, it simply means you’re not doing what the other person wants.
Don’t let someone guilt you into betraying your values, observations & beliefs. You can comply with their wishes if it suits you, but not from FoA
b. F of being treated well & loved. To the WIC, C. to anything or anyone positive, means having to feel the contrast between the suffering our family (& others) put us thru – against – now being seen & heard for who we are, treated with kindness & respect. We start to understand what could have been, in a saner family. Painful & enraging.
• BUT we don’t want to be disloyal to our parents, afraid to hurt them. After all, they said/say they love us, right? How can we admit otherwise?Yet many of us actually believe that wanting to be loved is a character defect! Infer all, if they couldn’t – how dare we still want something we have no right to?!
But being loved is a fundamental & universal human need, which we had very little of when we needed it the most! So now we’re attracted to & stay with PPT that are either blatantly bad for us, not actually bad but unsuited to our True Self, or which only partly meet our needs.
• We’re afraid to grow up, afraid to be ‘vulnerable’.
Being treated with consideration, patience, admiration, encouragement…. forces us to FEEL the abandonment we grew up with – how much we missed out on, & to think: “I could have had a V-8!” – which means : “I didn’t cause the pain I grew up in. With healthier parents I would have been safe & loved!” 😢
c. F of our Power – To the WIC, C. to our own strength means eclipsing family members, so in some way destroys them.
🔥 Any sign of ‘stepping into our power’, being smart, knowing our rights & being able to shine was considered arrogant, presumptuous, even sinful. Beside all the verbal & physical abuse for just being a normal kid, many of us got smacked down badly if we ever let some of our natural strength out.
😡 The other down side of showing competence & strength as a kid was that one of more of the damaged adults used it – like a nightmare octopus – to feed off of us! (Post: “Personal Power”)
So, between being abused and used – we had to hide most of who we truly were, & adapt to what would get us through.
Expressing our strengths as a kid would actually have meant being :
– a disruptive threat to the whole dysfunctional system
– a signal they might no longer be able to ‘mess’ with us
– an attempt to disengage the symbiosis, triggering THEIR FoA
– highlighting the adults’ weaknesses & limitations
– usurping the narcissists’ limelight
That left us invisible to ourself – not knowing what we’re inherently capable of, unable to commit or connect in a genuine way. And our co-dependence tells us that if we outshine others, we’ll be bad for making them feel bad about themselves. Then they won’t like us, plus we’re terrified of their envy-backlash.
🌀 And, now – If we do get an inkling of our healthy power, so foreign & undeserved, it can set off panic – at first . To let others actually SEE us feels life-and-death dangerous. But as we continue to inhabit our natural skin, we become more & more comfortable.
NOTE – Unhealthy responses from others & our resulting terror ONLY happens when dealing with very wounded / abusive people!
NEXT: FoC – #3a