** Southern P-A forms of “Bless your heart!” (humorous but true)
• P-A Commuter Types – (London)
Some things Passive-Aggressives SAY:
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.
The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded innuendos instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures that P-As do not get their needs met!
When P-As give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly nasty comments, most won’t catch on that they’re being messed with, but it may feel like being on an emotional roller coaster.
It can leave someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I react, will they make a joke or tell me I’m too sensitive?……”,
which is what the P-A wants – for others to always be off-balance.
NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but also are not afraid to own their ‘stuff’. So they tend not to point fingers at others, keeping the focus on themselves, are not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate in direct ways using ‘I’ statements.
EXP: “I’m not going to be able to be able to help you with that.”// This is who I am, please accept me as is….”
BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all of the following statements are ‘you’ types of comments (some implied), and none of the “I” statements admit honest wishes & needs or take personal responsibility
This list includes things can be said/written between family members, between friends, between mates, at school & at work.
• I’m not mad = this is a lie if their over-all pattern is being P-A
• Fine. Whatever = sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
• Sure, I’d be happy to = they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
• I’m coming! = foot-dragging so they don’t have to do something you want
• I didn’t know you meant now = means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway
• You’re asking for too much / just want everything to be perfect = they don’t want to do what you asked but can’t get away with putting it off, so they do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
• If you really want to = means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
• You decide / whatever you want = (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & them criticized your choices
• Don’t bother! = means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• We’re all watching your progress and hoping the best for you = we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you, but want to sound supportive
• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today = boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately
• This is far too complicated for you to understand = dumb, dumb, dumb
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend – finally = You’re not very desirable
• How is your therapy progressing? = you’re such a mess, I don’t think even this will help // You don’t seem to be getting any better
• Aren’t we pretty today? = Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly
• If you insist! = means I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
• It’s fine if you’re late, again = feel disrespected but they think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
• No worries = short for Screw You
• I thought you knew/ are in the loop = they had no intention of including you
• Thanks in advance = you’re expected to do something they want, without your input or consent
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by… = a disguised criticism
• I h0pe it’s worth it = they’re worried about a choice or decision you’re making & don’t want you to do it, and hope you fail
• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations /with what you had to work with = means the P-A is patting you on the head, but is actually very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you
• So… (by itself) = another form of Screw you, or what’s your point?
— If in a sentence: So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?….. = the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it
• I was only joking = sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny
• I didn’t mean anything by it = means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• Don’t take it so personally = means it was a very personal barb
• Why are you getting so upset? = means “Ha, I got you!”
• I didn’t do anything (wrong) = complete denial of their abuse or neglect
• You’re too sensitive = P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility
• You’re so intense / too emotional = P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
• You’re imagining things = means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free