ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 3c)

in your head  

PREVIOUS: Manipulation #3b

SITE: 8 Ways to spot Manipulators

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


Manipulative TACTICS (cont.)
Start by asking someone for a small favor they don’t mind doing, then foot in doorwhen they’re in the middle of it, add on other things or ask for the big thing you really wanted – making it hard for them to say no

Telling a conscientious victim they don’t care enough, are too selfish or have it easy, to keep them in a self-doubting, anxious, submissive position. OR make someone feel bad that you don’t have qualities, people or things the way they do (you’re jealous /envious), so they’ll feel sorry & volunteer to help you

Judgmental – the (T) form of T.E.A.
— all the time about everything, which is narcissistic
— occasionally, when old abandonment terror is triggered by a person or situation, but you don’t recognize it’s a reminder of childhood neglect & abuse

Mirroring (negative)
Physically &/or verbally copying someone you want to influence, by using their same body language, intonation pattern, language, preferences… making them feel ‘seen’ – so then they’ll copy you (symbiosis)

Saying yes to anything asked of you even when you’re not interested or it doesn’t suit you, & you don’t have time anyway – just so you’ll be liked. You over-book & then forget or cancel at the last-minute

One up-One Down
a. Feel superior – morally better with more value as a person, rather than being better at certain things (not just having a higher IQ), in order one upto keep everyone away, & not acknowledge your need for connection, help, comfort….

b. Feel inferior, believing you’re worse than everyone else (weaker, dumber, less capable….)
— to stave off assumed inevitable abandonment, disappointment AND
— obeying Toxic Rules “I am unlovable” / “I’m too much trouble” / “Don’t have needs”….
— living in deprivation, trying to get others to meet your needs

c. Fake humility – hiding the compulsion to dominate – by being the servant, helper, assistant, perhaps to serve a ‘higher cause’…. while controlling things from the wings

People-Pleasing / Perfectionism
Constantly trying to be or do whatever others want, or what you think they need/want, going above & beyond what’s called for or expected. Make yourself indispensable so they’ll approve of you & never ‘go way‘

Put a burden on others to be the ‘good parents’ you never had, BY:
• dismissing your own ‘voice’ & not taking up enough spacevictim
• going along, suffering in silence – but others can feel it
• give up what you want to avoid conflict, but are quietly resentful
• don’t ask questions, but always trying to explain or defend yourself
• talk in indirect or convoluted ways, instead of declarative statements
• withholding, as a form of silent disapproval
• believing you have nothing worthwhile to contribute……

COMBINED Manipulation of Self & Others
Taking on the Scapegoat Role as a child (NOT the same as being scapegoated by the family). It’s the child’s attempt to spare the obvious narcissist / addict their pain, by taking it on & acting it out for them – assuming this will alleviate the heaviness it can feel in others.
It’s a way the child denies admitting that the abandoning adults are as sick as they are & not willing to change

This manipulative tactic (usually unconscious) continues into adulthood – the ACoAs continuing to sacrifice their own needs, good name & protect familystanding in life – if it will make others ‘feel better’ by avoiding responsibility for their own damage

On one level this Role is genuinely taken on in the name of love, but at a deeper level it’s about the fear of losing connection, the ultimate childhood terror.
Unfortunately, the sacrifice is never successful or unappreciated, only being disrespected & dismissed. So when the Scapegoat is treated badly or ignored, this ACoA gets very angry at anyone they’ve been trying to ‘save’.

Adult Scapegoats only focus on being rejected or & invisible, left outfeeling unloved, excluded, attacked – BUT not seeing that they
— allow themselves to be used & toyed with by unscrupulous types
— experience real or imagined slights as a direct rejection, as if others are focus on them, or hell-bent on hurting them
— perpetuate childhood environment of fear, loneliness & abandonment BY not having a strong core identity based on self-esteem & self-respect.

NEXT: Manipulation #4a

Anger – CATEGORIES : Envy, Frustration, Habitual (#8)

yellow a.b. 

all the stuff I have to deal with!

PREVIOUS: A. Categories (#6)

SITE: What Your Anger May Be Hiding
(scroll to: “Anger as a ‘Safe’ Way to attach….)


Both come from a feeling of being powerless to get what WE want /need, but do not have the right or ability to achieve.

Envy is between 2 people : “I want what you have, which I never had (a loving family, a healthy body, the right to be who you are, good looks, an education….) SITE re. the differences also re. God

Jealousy is between 3 or more people :jealous heart
▫️ I want who or what you have, which I never had or can’t get (lots of friends, a wonderful mate, a great boss…..) AND don’t believe I ever will
▫️OR am terrified of losing of something I have or thought I had (love of my mate, connection to my children, full attention from a parent…..)
EXP: Dolly Parton’s “Jolene – from her real experience

Frustration is the emotion we feel whenever we’re blocked from reaching a desired outcome – anywhere from the minor irritations of losing something to the major aggravation of a long-term inability to reach an important goal.
It’s often experienced when a result doesn’t match all the effort we put in to achieving something, or our work produces fewer, weaker results than we think it should have.

If the frustration goes on too long or is too great, is can make us irritable, resentful & angry. The more important the goal, the greater the frustration, resulting in anger & loss of confidence.
▫️ At worst – one can spiral downward into depression & resignation
▫️ At ‘best’, frustration can be a useful indicator of a problem that needs to be Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.06.30 PMcorrected or changed

Internal sources can come from real personal damage OR imagined deficiencies (S-H) which prevent us from getting what we want. This can lead to turning the anger against ourselves, criticizing ourselves for lack of knowledge, planning, preparation, perseverance……

▫️We can stay in a frustrating situation from a belief that making life easier is a weakness, a loss of control
▫️Frustration can come from having competing goals that interfere with one another (internal DBs), even when both are positive (Child wishes vs Adult needs....)

External causes involve conditions outside ourselves from other people or situations that get in our way. Deliberately frustrating others is an act of control, for power & status. When we are refused permission, our actions blocked or resources withdrawn – we feel angry, but it’s not always wise or safe to show it. Somethings we can get around or modify the obstacle, but others are inescapable (Serenity Prayer)
EXP: MINOR: traffic, waiting in line, ‘on hold’, something’s sold out, crying baby on airplane…..
MAJOR: Gov’t or legal regulations, politics & bureaucracy at work, long-term / chronic illness, permanent disability, all forms of prejudice….

▪️HABITUAL Anger  (“Anger – Ways to React” #2, Chronic)
These people have the habit of always being angry, which they think makes life predictable. They’re convinced they always know what’s ‘real’. Life may be lousy but it has a shape – it’s ‘safe’ & stable. The down side – their porcupine exterior insures they can’t get close to anyone – to show love to others or let themselves be loved

Trapped in a vicious loop, they start out being angry about something that made them unhappy – probably legitimate. It then morphs into a whole way of life, where they’re angry about being unhappy & unsuccessful, which makes them angry, which keeps them unhappy…..!!

EXP: Like the stereotype mean old man who’s always cranky.  It’s his go-to response, especially when he doesn’t understand something & doesn’t want to seem stupid or out of date. He may have given up trying to figure the world out, “too old” to learn technology or ‘get’ the younger generation….

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 8)