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SITE: 8 Ways to spot Manipulators

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Manipulative TACTICS (cont.)
♦︎ Fake Emotions // Fear-&-Relief // Flattering / Kissing up

♦︎ Foot-in-Door
Start by asking someone for a small favor they don’t mind doing, then when they’re in the middle of it, add on other things or ask for the big thing you really wanted – making it hard for them to say no

♦︎ Guilting
Telling a conscientious victim they don’t care enough, are too selfish or have it easy, to keep them in a self-doubting, anxious, submissive position. OR make someone feel bad that you don’t have qualities, people or things the way they do (you’re jealous /envious), so they’ll feel sorry you & volunteer to help

♦︎ Judgmental – the (T) form of T.E.A.
— all the time & about everything, which is narcissistic
— occasionally, when old abandonment terror is triggered by a person or situation, but you don’t recognize it’s a reminder of childhood neglect & abuse

♦︎ Mirroring (negative)
Physically &/or verbally copying someone you want to influence, by using their same body language, intonation pattern, language, preferences…  making them feel ‘seen’ – so then they’ll copy you (symbiosis)

♦︎ Over-promising
Saying yes to anything asked of you even when you’re not interested or it doesn’t suit you, & you don’t have time anyway – just so you’ll be liked. You over-book & then forget or cancel at the last-minute

♦︎ One up-One Down
a. Feel superior – morally better with more value as a person, rather than being better at certain things (not just having a higher IQ), in order to keep everyone away, & not acknowledge your need for connection, help, comfort….

b. Feel inferior, believing you’re worse than everyone else (weaker, dumber, less capable….)
— to stave off assumed inevitable abandonment, disappointment AND
— obeying Toxic Rules “I am unlovable” / “I’m too much trouble” / “Don’t have needs”….
— live in deprivation, trying to get others to meet your needs

c. Fake humility – hiding the compulsion to dominate – by being the servant, helper, assistant, serving a ‘higher cause’…. while controlling things from the wings

♦︎ People-Pleasing / Perfectionism
Constantly trying to be or do whatever others want, or what you think they need/want, going above & beyond what’s called for or expected. Make yourself indispensable so they’ll approve of you & never ‘go way‘

♦︎ Victim
Burden others to be the ‘good parents’ you never had, YOU:
• believe you have nothing worthwhile to contribute
• dismiss your own ‘voice’ & not taking up enough space
• don’t ask questions, but always try to explain or defend yourself
• give up what you want – to avoid conflict, but are quietly resentful
• go along, suffering in silence – but others can feel it
• talk in convoluted or indirect ways, instead of declarative statements
• withholding, as a form of silent disapproval……

COMBINED Manipulation of Self & Others
Starts by taking on the Scapegoat Role in childhood (NOT the same as being scapegoated by family ).
It’s the child’s attempt to spare the obvious narcissist / addict their pain, by acting it out for them – assuming this will alleviate the heaviness & suffering it can feel in others.
It’s a way the child tries to show their love, & to deny admitting that the abandoning adults are as sick as they are but not willing to change

This manipulative tactic (usually unconscious) continues into adulthood – the ACoAs persistently sacrificing their own needs, good name & standing in life – IF it will make others ‘feel better’ by avoiding responsibility for their (family) damage

On one level this Role is genuinely taken on in the name of love, but at a deeper level it’s about the fear of losing connection, the ultimate childhood terror.
Unfortunately, the sacrifice is never successful or unappreciated, only being disrespected & dismissed. So when the Scapegoat is treated badly or ignored, this ACoA gets very angry at anyone they’ve been trying to ‘save’.

Adult Scapegoats only focus on being rejected or invisible, feeling unloved, excluded, attacked – BUT not seeing that they —
— allow themself to be used & toyed with by unscrupulous types
— experience real or imagined slights as is it were a direct rejection, as if others are focused on them, or hell-bent on hurting them
— perpetuate childhood environment of fear, loneliness & abandonment BY not having a strong core identity based on self-esteem & self-respect.

NEXT: Manipulation #4a