PREVIOUS: Manipulation #3a

SITEs:☀︎ 20 Subtle Signs of Workplace Bullying
☀︎ “Workplace Danger – Manipulative People”

BOOK: 30 COVERT ways of M. ~ Adelyn Birch

FORMS of Manipulation (cont.)
1. Direct / Overt (Part 3a)

2. Indirect / Covert
A more subtle form, tactics (Evasion, Diversion, Blame….) are effective because they carefully hide aggressive & exploitative intentions, while putting the other person unconsciously on the defensive.
— Sometimes all it takes is a particular facial expression, non-verbal gesture, glance, glare, stare, or shrug
— Sometimes the manipulator will send a carefully veiled “Now there’ll be some hell to pay!” message without making any kind of direct threat

💔 FAMILY : you may recognize one or more of the following list – maneuvers used by adults AND siblings we grew with – with each other and with you.
♦︎  You would also have learned these tactics, & may used them then as well, & have carried them over into the rest of life.

ACoAs – now thru. you adult life
As stated in Part 1, M is an attempt at getting our needs met, but only indirectly, because we’re not allowed to HAVE them (shame is what we feel about each need never provided by our family). Back then, trying to get anything we needed always ended in being made fun of, punished or completely ignored.
BUT since to have needs is normal & they never go away, we look for alternative ways of meeting them (vicious cycle), while still obeying the toxic rules – putting ourself in a double bind .

Manipulative TACTICS
♦︎ Avoid Asking
Expecting others to guess what you need & then providing it. When they don’t – not being mind-readers – you feel very angry, get depressed & assume the ‘universe’ doesn’t want you to have the needs

♦︎ Bribery
First you reward someone by identifying what they want/need & give it to them, acting like a ‘genuinely’ nice person. Then later pleasantly suggest you’d like something in return. They’ll usually feel compelled to return the favor

♦︎ Bugging / Pushy
At the other extreme, always nagging to get what you want, repeating the question, requesting or demanding, insisting…. to wear others down until they finally give in. Can’t tolerate NO as an answer, & constantly over-step boundaries

♦︎ Charm / Good Looks
Use your best assets to encourage people to favor you over others (work, dating, purchasing…) by being positive, cheerful, self-confident, well-groomed, approachable body language – to make them feel special for having your full attention

♦︎ Conditional Approval & ‘love’
You’re kind, pleasant, helpful – but only if they’re just like you. Want what they can do for you, let you control them…. But get angry or withholding if they disagree, set limits on you, stand up for themself, won’t go along with your agenda….

♦︎ Dishonest watching & listening
Pay close attention to what people tell you about themself & their body language, figuring out their psychological/emotional makeup, so you identify weakness or strength you can exploit

♦︎ Distorting Facts
Make facts seem better than they are, OR leave out crucial info in an explanation. Use info against the person, overwhelm with facts & statistic, lie, make excuses, exaggerate, act like you know everything…. to avoid responsibility & feel more powerful

♦︎ Double-Binding
Keep someone who wants to please you in bondage (paralyzed) by subtly giving 2 conflicting messages BITH of which have to be obeyed or accepted – without question, to keep them confused & off balance (EXP: smile while insulting)

♦︎ Exploiting
Use other people’s time, energy, money, talents – only for your benefit – by convincing them it’s for a good cause, will make them feel good / is for their benefit, will provide ‘spiritual benefits/rewards…. or by promising some big reward while ignoring their rights & interests

♦︎ Fake Emotions
Use contrived emotions to get what you want & have the upper hand, by acting angry to scare someone, solicitous to soften them, caring to keep their attention, weak & needy to get taken care of, insulted to create guilt…..

♦︎ Fear-&-Relief
To get someone to do what you want but is resisting, you artificially create sudden mood swings, first working on their fear (disapproval, threats to leave, withhold money….). Then when they’re weakened & disarmed, ready to give in – you stop the pressure, tell them it’s OK…. which makes them so relieved they’ll do whatever you want

♦︎ Flattering / Kissing up
Making others feel good by complementing them, acting totally interested in their life…. so they’ll want to please you. It makes it hard for them to say NO, even against their better judgement, so you won’t be disappointed or think badly of them

NEXT: Manipulation #3c