weak decision making

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I’LL RISK EVERYTHING –
to feel that ‘high’

PREVIOUS: Bad Decision Styles – #2

 

PART 3: Last 6 of 18 types of unsound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections (no known source).  While these types represent dysfunction, they’re based on each person’s native approach to life, with the addition of an unhealthy upbringing.

Some EFFECTS of bad D.M. = WE :
• compromise ourself – our self-worth, values, needs….
• don’t get what we say we want, so we can obey our Toxic Rules
• do get what they want, but at the expense of others, damaging our relationships
• experience physical symptoms, aches and pains, major illness
• have to learn lessons the hard way instead of making life easier
• we hurt, disappoint, ‘abandon’ people we care about & love
• get in trouble with authorities, the law, go to jail
• suffer unnecessary financial distress, debt, loss of valuable property
AND THEY
• are a waste of our precious life, talents, abilities, potential….
• can cause many lost important opportunities, with some that can’t be retrieved
• can create  unnecessary financial distress, debt, loss of valuable property
• they generate anxiety, distress, shame, guilt, self-hate….
• may lead to accidents, permanent injuries, death
• waste a lot of time, either doing unnecessary things or having to cleanup a mess later

Allowing for NUANCESconsequences
🔆  Most decisions are NOT written in stone, so they’re not forever, even tho’ some do have far-reaching consequences, so it’s wise to strive for ‘sane’, healthy, adult choices as often as possible.
• ACoAs tend to lump all types of decisions together – all are huge, impossible, overwhelming, undo-able — we think ALL have equal importance & equal consequences. NOT SO!

REALITY : D.M. is inherently circular, since most are made by moving back & forth between available alternatives.
These are influenced by the criteria we apply to them, & vice versa = the criteria we set influence the alternatives we consider. EXP  :
a. the characteristics we want our choice to meet (the ‘new’ car should be small, used & inexpensive but not worn out)
b. identifying the possibilities we can choose from  (where we live, how much money we have, our knowledge about used cars…)

We can divide decisions into (at least) 3 levels of importance & intensity. It can be argued than any choice can cause a big problem OR have a great benefit, but if we use our Adult observations & experience we can have a general sense of what to expect, as long as we don’t limit our thinking to what happened in our childhood.

Use these suggestions to make your own outline.
♠︎ SMALL-ish Decisions: where to do for dinner, what to wear, when to talk to someone, to go or not go to a party, which errands to do when, buying something for the house…..
♠︎ MEDIUM Decisions: Where to go on vacation, what diet to use, to go back to school, change accountants, redecorate, get a new car….
♠︎ BIG Decision: change careers, get married or leave a relationship, move to a different city or country, stop using drugs / alcohol / cigarettes, start going to therapy, have a needed operation…..

✶ The more we come to believe “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW”, trusting our intuition & judgment, the easier the process of D.M. becomes.
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NEXT :  Our Sense & Learning, INTRO #1a

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

NO MATTER WHAT I PICK –
it’ll always be wrong!

PREVIOUS: Procrastinators Anon Tools

POST : Purpose of Emotions : DECISIONS

 

PART 1 = First 6 of 18 types of un-sound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections. (No known source).
While these types all represent dysfunction, people gravitate to one of these as a reflection of their inborn approach to life, along with an unhealthy upbringing.
❣️ Healthy (adult ego state) D.M. is the process of :
— identifying & choosing alternatives, based on our core values & preferences, and
— reducing enough uncertainty & doubt about our options to give us the freedom to pick the best one at the momen

• ACoAs have a lot of trouble making decisions – no matter what our personal style is . This deficiency has nothing to do with our basic intelligence, only our damage.
An apparent exception are those in the Hero / Rescuer family role – who seem to be able to make decisions easily & continuously. But the hidden worm in the fruit is that :
— they only do it on behalf of others , as co-dependents / people pleasers
— decisions made for themself are rare & usually unhealthy

❀  WHY we have trouble with D.M.
NOT :  
• having a clear identity (who am I, how do I present myself, what do I need or want….)
• having enough or the correct information to decide accurately!
• having permission to change our mind – about anything!
•  realizing we have options to choose from, or better options than we think we have bad decisions
• trusting the knowledge, judgment & experience we’ve gathered throughout our adult life
AND
• afraid of taking risks, asking for help, getting good things
• being in denial about what we know regarding a person or situation
• co-dependence = wanting to please everyone, all the time
• fear of making the wrong choice – thinking that the wrong one will have life & death consequences, or result in severe punishment or self-hate,
• growing up with a series of double-binds (paralyzes us)
• letting the WIC (wounded inner child) be in charge of considering what to do, who either acts impulsively or is stuck / paralyzed
• using CDs (cognitive distortions) in thinking about a problem

➼ As we Recover, some of these reasons melt away, some diminish & some we struggle with throughout life – & which is which will be different for each of us..
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NEXT : Weak Styles, #2