MAKE THEM SUFFER !
The same way they made me suffer!
Post: ANGER CATEGORY #12 – Retaliatory
POSTS: Parents Blaming Us / ‘Shame’ / ‘Guilt’
DEF: REVENGE, Vengeance, Retribution, – injury inflicted as punishment in return for one received
• To plot revenge – the bitter desire to injure another for a wrong done to oneself, a loved one or others like oneself
• To avenge – exact satisfaction for a sense of injury, following a wrong received. Any form of personal action against an individual, institution, or group for some perceived harm or injustice.
1. AS CHILDREN
😡 Many of us hated one or more parents for their neglect & cruelty – but that was to-o-o dangerous to admit! We wished they were dead or that we were.
BOOK: “So the Witch Won’t Eat Me” by Dorothy Bloch (NY psychoanalyst) gives an excellent explanation in her intro.
a. External CAUSES – Growing up, our parents & other adults:
• neglected, attacked & humiliated us, assumed the worst of us… blamed us unfairly for everything
• AND didn’t allow us to defend ourselves, never bothered to ask for our side of a situation, didn’t believe us, weren’t on our side nor defended us
b. Internal – All children:
• are vulnerable to & at the mercy of their caregivers
• think in B & W, simple cause & effect, so a believe in JUSTICE – that the world SHOULD be fair
• AND, assume they’re the center of everything, therefore everything that happens to them is about them (good or bad)!
It makes sense to a kid’s mind that, when our parents hurt us —
• they were justified in what they were doing to or not doing for – us
• somehow we caused it, even if we couldn’t figure out what we did wrong
• we deserved whatever was dished out: “The gods punish us for our own good (a lesson) & because we deserve it (being bad)!”
• we were in constant, intense pain. Even though we had no choice but to accept blame, still – we wanted it to STOP! Of course.
• no one else seemed to notice or care – no one helped (maybe someone did try, but it didn’t work out & we stayed trapped)
• we couldn’t get any justice from them (they didn’t care how their abuse effected us)
• they got away with it – were never held accountable! UNFAIR
• we tried & tried – to figure it out, to change ourselves and get them to change, to protect ourselves & others in the family
• but nothing got better, so we got more & more frustrated and hopeless
• failing to MAKE adults stop hurting us, our sense of danger never left
• which led to getting angrier & angrier.
Being powerless in an unsafe family, especially one that was actually life-threatening – will always generate RAGE
• and after all – fair is fair – eventually we began to have fantasies of REVENGE, to even the score, so the world would be in balance again.
Without help, comfort or a way of escape, we had to suppress the pain as best we could, but our fantasies scared us.
We could’t attack our parents directly, because —
– we were too dependent on them
– they had some positive qualities we used to deny the bad ones
– it wasn’t safe to rebel outright
We needed to deny our fury at them. We weren’t big or strong enough to punish ‘those mean, stupid adults’ the way they deserved, so we did the next ‘best’ thing :
• Masochism, Revenge in REVERSE – some took it out on ourselves (self-mutilation, fantasies of being hurt/ tortured, tried suicide either directly or by dangerous activities….) as a way of punishing our abandoners
• Sadism: As kids, some of us hurt smaller, younger, weaker things, such as:
— an older child hurting or even killing a new baby in the family
— bullying (in person, on line….)
— physically torturing birds, cats….
— stealing, hiding or breaking other’s toys & possessions
— making fun of someones disabilities…
NEXT: Wanting Revenge #2
2 thoughts on “ACoAs WANTING REVENGE (Part 1)”
This post describes much of my life in a nutshell. I’d like to add one thing:
“Since we have no choice but to be taken advantage of, we insist that the other person change (not us!) so they’ll stop hurting us AND so we don’t have to leave them.” If they won’t change, then we’ll become physically violent with them.
Some yes, but not all, & only until we take responsibility for our choices.