PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6a)
đŁÂ IMPERATIVE
âď¸Â VERBALIZE
âCHART
âď¸Â TEASING OUT Double Messages (which lead to DBs)
They’re not just very confusing, they’re devastating – as long as =
= we donât recognize âcrazinessâ when we hear it, AND
= try to make sense of another personâs over-reaction or distortion of reality, which never has / had anything to do with us.
Without a clear understanding of LOGIC (mental clarity), & still believing weâve done something wrong – we’re kept under the Senderâs mental / emotional spell.
EXPs of power-less people
Children : threatened with punishment for speaking about abuse or bullying. BUT If they donât tell, the abuse continues.
Women can be penalized in the workplace for lack of assertiveness AND lack of femininity, with no approved middle ground
African-Americans identifying racist words & actions are told to âwatch your toneâ, no matter how gently & respectfully they’re pointed out
(From “Step Away from Double Binds” âź Sonia Connolly LMT)
Re. ANGERÂ
1. If you’re consistently very angry or uncomfortable by the way someone talks to you,
they may just be mean, dismissive or unavailable.
2. But if you’re also very confused & ‘feel’ crazy, you’ve probably absorbed in the hopelessness of being put in a DB.
3. A totally different reason for being very angry at the Sender (E) comes up when you finally get what they’re really doing. This anger is not from intense frustration but rather that your ‘new’ awareness has causes a crack in some deeply held denial about them, which you we’re ready to face before.
You can tell, because this emotional reaction (E) does NOT include mental confusion (T). It’s clear. it just hurts!
The IFs
đśđź In any case, first ask your Inner Child what itâs saying about itself. If you hear any form of self-blame, (“I can’t do anything right, I’m such a mess….”), the WIC is definitely agreeing with the family’s Toxic Rules.
However, if you’ve been subjected to a DB, the WIC is twisting what it heard, using it against itself rather than hearing the twist in what the other person actually said / meant
đ§đťÂ If you do catch on, then check in with your Logical Adult ego state for a rational evaluation of what is being said. It’s absolutely OK to ask some healthy people to help you clarify & verify your conclusions
IF the Adultâs version of the DB communication is quite different from your WIC’s, and others agree that you’re NOT crazy – you can help your Child unravel the confusion & eliminate S-H
đ¨âđŚ IF the Adult & the Inner Child are both saying there’s something wrong with the messages you’re getting, you’re a lot closer to being free! The less internal conflict between parts of yourself (ego states) the easier it is to protect yourself.
IF you still feel emotionally confused & mentally lost, test the rules / demands / statements….for D.Messages, by first boiling them down to their underlying implications, to see where theyâre contradictory, as in âDMs,#2â.
EXPs to get you started:
đ âItâs a good thing that X is….â, AND âItâs a bad thing that -the same- X is….â (both must be accepted)
đ âYou should/must do/be X (sing)… to please meâ AND “You should/must not do/be X (sing)… in order to please meâ
đ âYouâre bad when you X….â AND âYouâre good when you X…â
đ âI love it when it is X….â AND âI hate it when it is X….â
EXP: Someone teases you & your feelings are hurt. If you complain, an S-type will say: “You’re too sensitive. What’s the matter, can’t you take a joke?”
But, if YOU tease someone else, those same people will say: “That was a mean, cruel, vicious thing to say. No wonder nobody likes you.”
Lose-Lose Meanings:
A – Youâre bad (weak) when you donât like my teasing, ANDÂ
B – Youâre bad (mean) when you tease others
Said another way:
A – I disapprove of you when youâre over-sensitive – AND
B – I disapprove of you when youâre under-sensitive
NEXT: DBs, Part 7
Yes, I’ve added attribution.
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