PREVIOUS: Self-Hate – #3
1. IN OUR CHILDHOOD (cont)
SOURCES of Parental Blame
a. Projected their own frustration & inadequacy onto us. Pushing away intense S-H & shame created their need to BLAME someone or something else for their own fears & lacks
b. Copied what was done to them – without any self-awareness of what motivated them, not considering the effect on us, never questioning if their reactions made sense nor if fit the situation
c. One or both parents did not actually want the burden of having a child, much less several – they didn’t plan on – being emotionally immature, financially strapped, active addicts, in a bad marriage or married too young to cope
d. Perfectionism – expressed as neglect. With a lack of good parenting role models themselves, unhealthy parents couldn’t tolerate the thought of doing it ‘wrong’. They forced us to take care of ourselves, not having the courage to grow up & learn how to do it better – not ideally
e. Constantly reacted badly to normal child behaviors which trigger their own old pain (their denied traumas, still unresolved)
f. One parent didn’t like a particular child, because they are too different from the parent, their personality irritated or rubbed the parent the wrong way…
g. Another way to take the focus off themselves. Making us responsible for their unhappiness allowed them to keep their denial in tact, perpetuating the ‘disease’ of alcoholism & narcissism
h. Parental Narcissism – saw us as an extension of themselves, rather than as separate individuals, & their need for us to be perfect – to keep up the illusion of their personal & family OK-ness. (“Fragile Narcissism“)
EXP: Parental BLAME = VERBAL ABUSE
“You’ll be the death of me yet” // “Why did I have to have a kid like you?”
“I never wanted kids anyway” // “If it weren’t for you I’d have a good life”
“It’s your fault that you —>father left / I drink / we don’t have any money… ”
💧Younger children are too vulnerable & dependent to fight back, stand up for themselves or even understand exactly what’s being done to them – only that it HURTS!
And when they’re old enough to try – if they dare – they’re punished without mercy!
2. IN THE PRESENT
Now when others blame us (like at home) :
a. we believe the accusation (boss, parent, lover, friend…) because it agrees with our Negative Introject
b. we take on that blame, feeding self-hate – so we feel terrible, & try to ‘be/do better’
REALITY: we may not have been at fault in the first place, and anyway – one can never win when dealing with a blamer!
c. we continue to choose (unconsciously) those types as friends, lovers, bosses… who already have the habit of blaming others – TO:
• keep us attached to our family, from a sense of loyalty, love AND denial
• validate the blamers: after all, if our family told us over & over that we’re a mess AND all these others tell us that too – then it must be true !
🌀 THAT WAY we never have to hold our parents responsible for their verbal & emotional abuse. It feels ‘safer’ to keep accusing ourselves, even though it’s self-destructive! (Post : “They did the BEST they could” #2, b, ii.)
Survive —> Heal —> Thrive ! Gradually outgrow :
◆ our own S-H & change self-sabotaging behaviors (that we do just to prove them right ??)
◆ our addiction the toxic family rules & CDs
◆ the WIC’s narcissistic conviction that it’s all about us
◆ our demand, compulsion, desperation to get THEM to see & validate us
🧠THINK! We’ve learned a lot since we were kids. Is what they’re accusing you of actually who you are / what you’ve done?
REMEMBER: “I know what I know & I don’t have to / can’t know everything!”
🎯BECOME really good at something you enjoy & are good at, so you get the respect & admiration of others who are capable of appreciating you. Use that to help you stay away from the blamers.
NEXT: ACoAs wanting Revenge #1