NEED TO HEAL THE FEAR –
to stop controlling
PREVIOUS: Letting Go, Part 1
See : “Negative Benefits of…“ posts
Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.
Exercise: Write as much as you can about these 4 Qs. Put it away for a week or a month & then go back & read it, adding more as they surface. Share about them where it’s safe
1. NEGATIVE BENEFITS (-+) of being Controlling
Q: What do you get from holding on to it?
• N.B. are patterns that keeps us attached to our damage, familiar but stunt growth. It’s the narcissistic grandiosity of the WIC, as well as the ‘entitlement’, which makes people temporarily feel powerful
• When in C. mode, we’re functioning from the underlying position that everything revolves us – good or bad.
“My way or the highway , It’s late – I’ll let you go , I don’t understand why you don’t (like what I like, think the way I do)….” .
This style lets us feel important, to always: be right, get our way, never be vulnerable, be heard & paid attention to, have an effect on the world…. so many things we didn’t get as a kid – but don’t actually heal us, because it keeps us totally dependent on others
2. NEGATIVE DETRIMENTS (–)
Q: How does it hurts you & others?
• This may be hard to answer at first, because Cs are not really interested in other people’s experiences, emotions or needs…
But we can remember how it felt when someone controlled us: resentful, stifled, belittled, disrespected….
• Being C. limits our option, keeping us from the flow of life – preventing us from finding out what wonderful things can happen if we stopped trying to force the world to conform to our narrow vision
3. POSITIVE DISCOMFORT (+-)
Q: What are you afraid will happen?
Changing a deeply ingrained pattern like C. can bring up a lot of anxiety, especially if we’ve built our whole persona on ‘running things’, like Heroes. (However, the other Roles each control in their own ways).
It means giving up a way of experiencing ourselves we thought was our personality, but is actually the False Self
• We think we’ll be in some kind of danger, as if our actual life would be threatened! But it will only be the emotion of fear – feeling old abandonment pain & having to give up cherished illusions
• we’re afraid someone we love will be in danger. This may seem realistic if we’re dealing with an active addict bent on self-destruction.
We can present info & options for Recovery, but they have to want it. Sometimes formal interventions work, but not always. And sometimes, no matter what we do, addicts die.
• When taking care of a very sick person we love, we may be the one responsible for many practical matters, but ultimately, we can’t control the outcome! Self-care becomes even more imperative!
• BUT – most of the time, the world goes on just fine without our two-cents! As we grow we can better tolerate the discomfort of not interfering with the natural order of things, which does gets easier.
4. POSITIVE BENEFITS (++)
Q: Why is it worth giving up?
• We get to find out who WE really are – talents, knowledge, gifts, experience… & finally take center stage in our own life, expressing a multifaceted Self, by being responsible for ourselves – the opposite of being C.- instead of wasting energy on manipulating others
• Acceptance & gratitude! (not C.) lets us enjoy achievements & accolades, instead of cringing, or negating some success when it’s valued & acknowledged
• Recovery provides self-esteem, a genuine sense of freedom, the ability to connect with healthy people who respect us, & who we can trust to be OK without our constant vigilance!
✶ Most people have more resiliency, depth, strength & flexibility than we give them credit for. That includes you. Believe you handle all kinds of circumstances. Keep saying: “I know what I know – but I can’t know everything!”
SO – catch yourself in the act of being C. & stop as soon as you can. Remind yourself of the benefits of changing & give your kid a big hug!
NEXT: Letting Go, Part 3