Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)


the more power I have!

PREVIOUS: Letting Go of Controlling -#2

Review: “Let Go of Control…Art of Surrender

“What we disown – we can’t change”.
Inventory: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more.
• If needed, get trusted people to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive – just write them down & look at them later.
NOTE the situations that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several peopletesting, testing

STAY AWAKE for ways you act Controlling:
— When it happens    — What sets it off
— How it shows up in your actions
— Who is affected    — How does that make you feel
— How do they react to you     — How does it affect them

Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes  behind it
Consider which causes:   • you’ve already been working on
• you are willing to tackle, & what you can do to change how you react
• you have to put on the shelf until you’re more healed
(review ‘Controlling & Abandonment posts)

Make a list of:list of needs
• all your unmet needs & slowly work at filling them
• develop &/or hone talents & get recognized for them
• gradually feel the backlog of old pain that causes anxiety

learn the difference between assertiveness & aggression, controlling vs in control, connection vs symbiosis, humility vs humiliation, rage vs anger, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible ….

Practice asking for legitimate needs & desires from others, without demanding or unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot – or to what degree!

The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home…) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends ?…)

ACCEPTANCE: Then – write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to Control, especially the emotions underlying that compulsion (Es). Identify alternative or opposite beliefs (Ts) you can use when life-stressors set off the impulse to C.
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action

ACTION: List better ways (As) to behave when feeling the pull to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your WIC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect it (Ts & Es)

Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations to remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse …)

TEST-CASE: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert peacefulyour will over that situation the next time.  Just observe the event unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. Notice you thoughts & emotions

• You may feel shaky at first, as it may bring up anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know it’s not in danger

• Use Bookending with the WIC, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate – & write down how things turn out whenever you don’t C.

From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
Daily Exercise:
• About your children, listen attentively without offering advice. Recognize that they’re different from you in how they think & process things, and accept that your way may not be right – for them
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate AND of yourself. Focus on steps you can take to improve your love-bond

• About creativity, focus on just enjoying the process. rather than thinking too much about the outcome. Don’t worry about making “mistakes.”
Start a piece with the intention of not completing it, & see how o\it goes.
>> If you’re only partly successful, do not give yourself a hard time! Keep trying, or they something else & get help if needed. You’ll see that letting go of control may bring success, or at least a sense of peace! (More….)

NEXT: Types of Self-Control – #1

2 thoughts on “Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)

  1. Hi Donna, I like how you so clearly and concisely explain how we can pinpoint our controlling patterns and the impact it has on our lives and others. Accepting that we are too controlling is often not easy because we look for convenient justifications. When I’m too controlling these days, my children now tell me, “Daddy, you need to read your book!”

    I appreciate your acknowledging my book.



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