PREVIOUS: Letting Go of Controlling -#2
Review: “Let Go of Control…Art of Surrender“
MAKING CHANGES – “What we disown – we can’t change”.
Another Inventory: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more.
• If needed, get trusted people to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive – just write them down & look at them later.
NOTE your patterns that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several people
STAY AWAKE for ways you act Controlling:
⭐︎ When it happens ⭐︎ What sets it off
⭐︎ How it shows up in your actions
⭐︎ Who is affected ⭐︎ How does it affect them
⭐︎ How do others react to you ⭐︎ How does that make you feel emotionally
Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes behind it
Consider which ones : • you’ve already been working on
• others you’re willing to tackle, & how you can change your reactions
• which you have to put on the shelf until you’re more healed
(review ‘Controlling & Abandonment’ posts)
• the difference between assertiveness & aggression, controlling vs in control, connection vs symbiosis, humility vs humiliation, rage vs anger, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible ….
Practice asking for legitimate needs & desires from others, without demanding or having unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot – and to what degree!
The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home…) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends ?…)
ACCEPTANCE: Then – write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to be Controlling, especially the emotions underlying that compulsion (Es).
Identify alternative or opposite beliefs (Ts) you can use when life-stressors set off the impulse to C.
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action
ACTION: List better ways (As) to act when feeling the pull to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your WIC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect it (Ts & Es)
Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations to remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse …)
TEST-CASE: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert your will over that situation the next time. Just do it & observe the event unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. Notice you thoughts & emotions
• You may feel shaky at first, as it may bring up anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know it’s not in danger
• Use Bookending with the WIC, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate – by writing how things turn out when you don’t C.
From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
• About your external children, listen attentively without offering advice. Recognize that they’re different from you in how they think & process things, and accept that your way may not be right – for them
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate AND of yourself. Focus on steps you can take to improve your love-bond. Appreciate the good things you have together.
• About creativity, focus on just enjoying the process. rather than thinking too much about the outcome. Don’t worry about making “mistakes.”
Start a piece (paint, crochet, a new song…) with the intention of not completing it, & see how it goes.
>> If you’re only partly successful, do not give yourself a hard time! Keep trying, try something else or get help if needed. You’ll see that letting go of control may bring success, or at least a sense of peace! (More….)
NEXT: Types of Self-Control – #1