THE MORE I LET GO,
the more power I have!
PREVIOUS: Letting Go of Controlling -#2
Review: “Let Go of Control…Art of Surrender“
MAKING CHANGES – “What we disown – we can’t change”.
Inventory: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more.
• If needed, get trusted people to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive – just write them down & look at them later.
NOTE the situations that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several people
STAY AWAKE for ways you act Controlling:
— When it happens — What sets it off
— How it shows up in your actions
— Who is affected — How does that make you feel
— How do they react to you — How does it affect them
Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes behind it
Consider which causes: • you’ve already been working on
• you are willing to tackle, & what you can do to change how you react
• you have to put on the shelf until you’re more healed
(review ‘Controlling & Abandonment’ posts)
• learn the difference between assertiveness & aggression, controlling vs in control, connection vs symbiosis, humility vs humiliation, rage vs anger, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible ….
Practice asking for legitimate needs & desires from others, without demanding or unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot – or to what degree!
The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home…) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends ?…)
ACCEPTANCE: Then – write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to Control, especially the emotions underlying that compulsion (Es). Identify alternative or opposite beliefs (Ts) you can use when life-stressors set off the impulse to C.
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action
ACTION: List better ways (As) to behave when feeling the pull to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your WIC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect it (Ts & Es)
Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations to remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse …)
TEST-CASE: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert your will over that situation the next time. Just observe the event unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. Notice you thoughts & emotions
• You may feel shaky at first, as it may bring up anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know it’s not in danger
• Use Bookending with the WIC, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate – & write down how things turn out whenever you don’t C.
From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
• About your children, listen attentively without offering advice. Recognize that they’re different from you in how they think & process things, and accept that your way may not be right – for them
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate AND of yourself. Focus on steps you can take to improve your love-bond
• About creativity, focus on just enjoying the process. rather than thinking too much about the outcome. Don’t worry about making “mistakes.”
Start a piece with the intention of not completing it, & see how o\it goes.
>> If you’re only partly successful, do not give yourself a hard time! Keep trying, or they something else & get help if needed. You’ll see that letting go of control may bring success, or at least a sense of peace! (More….)
NEXT: Types of Self-Control – #1