List of HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 1)


 

I WANT TO CONNECT, NOT be enmeshed

PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 2)

REVIEW: ‘ACoAs & Self-Esteem’

WHAT Boundaries (Bs) can NOT DO
• having boundaries ourselves can not create Bs for others
• by themselves, they can’t change our ‘spirit’. When we continually break the same boundary, or let others B invade us – it’s caused by some wound in our Child part which needs to be healed before we can enforce our personal space

• they can’t be imposed as a control to change someone else’s actions. Bs won’t stop narcissist & pathological liars from trying to manipulate or control us.  We must decide what we will or won’t allow, but can’t force another person to act on wishes. Usually we just have to get away from them

• a B should not be used to encourage negative behavior counter to our morals & beliefs, like saying that it’s OK for someone to can ‘act self-destructively – but not around us’.  If a setting a ‘boundary’ encourages unhealthy responses, it has no element of love or protection in it.  It doesn’t mean we can control the outcome for the other person, only that we state our own concerns & values clearly.

PRACTICAL EXAMPLES of Healthy Boundaries

1. EMOTIONAL (Es)
Having healthy E. Bs is to truly know:
• Es just ARE: not good or bad, but rather – range from most painful to most joyful
• As adults Es don’t depend on others’ actions
• good Es come from our own behavior
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
AND
]• we choose to not blame, are responsible for ones own Es
• we accept & have compassion for Es we’ve been taught to disapprove (jealousy, greed, shame, indifference, rage….)
• we can have access to a wide range of Es
• we have control over which Es we express to others (who & where)

With YOURSELF — Having Healthy Bs mean that YOU:
• have a strong sense of identity – know yourself well, have good self-esteem & respect yourself – without arrogance
• become your own Good Parent, for self-care
• know your own wants, needs & emotions (T.E.As)
• talk to yourself with gentleness, respect & humor
YOU:
• value your opinions & feelings as much as those of others (sometimes more)
• are responsible for your own happiness & fulfillment
• don’t compromise values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
• are committed to & responsible for nurturing your full potential
YOU:
• know your limits – not giving too much so someone will like you
• acknowledge your Shadow self, without judgment or self-hate
• are able to ask for help when needed
• don’t compromise values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
• know when a problem is yours & when it is NOT

With OTHERS — Having Healthy Bs mean that YOU:
• allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment
• have respect for others — don’t take advantage of someone’s gme vs youenerosity, AND don’t let others take advantage of yours
• are ok with others having intense emotions, without having to fix them
YOU:
• develop appropriate trust, based on current reality (what you know about them)

• 
communicate your Bs clearly in all relationships
• allow others to define their own Bs & limits
• know when a problem belongs to someone else
YOU:
• share sensitive information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship
• have an equal partnership & expect reciprocity in close relationships — sharing responsibility & power
• don’t tolerate emotional abuse or disrespect from anyone
• move carefully, thoughtfully, step-by-step into emotional intimacy

QUADRANTS of Interaction — dealing with struggles, using Bs
Q 1 – Open with Self : identify Bs you can practice on yourself, setting limits on self-defeating acts
Q 2 – Open with others : be available to help or participate with, as it fits who you are

Q 3 – Closed with Others : about the Takers in life, so be sure to set PMES limits with them, to protect your energy output
Q 4 – Closed with Self : TOO self-disciplined – need to release rigid Bs. Take breaks & put the joy back into your life.

NEXT: Mental & Physical Bs #2

8 thoughts on “List of HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 1)

  1. Thanks. A question if I may.
    How can I allow others to own what’s theirs and not have expectations of outcomes (I see this as an Alanon Step 1, knowing I’m powerless over others, I can’t control them so “let go or be dragged”) — but then “not tolerate” abuse from them?
    Can you give examples of when and how we “not tolerate” or lay down the law?
    Thanks

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  2. Thanks for your comments.
    We can’t allow others to own what’s theirs – they have to do that. Possible phrases: “What you just said does not apply to me”. “What you want (xyz) is not right for me”. “Don’t talk to me that way” etc.
    Re. not tolerating abuse, we can keep saying “That’s not OK / not acceptable…..”
    If they continue – we have to end our connection with them

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  3. If our emotions don’t cause other’s emotions then why is it that a child of an abusive father is terrified when he is angry? His emotional state causes fear in another person without him even touching the child. There is anticipation of pain and fear of what might happen because of the past. Essentially, person As emotions are causing person B’s emotions.

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    • I’m sorry – I misunderstood. Without the hyphen – I thought you were referring to government laws.
      Re. in-laws, it depends on how badly they would take you saying something about their behavior.

      You could draw each offender aside & ask for what you want – or don’t want. Or you may just have to smile & not take things personally 0 because it’s their bratty / insensitive child acting out their damage – & not just on you.Then you’ll need to explaining that to your Inner Child.

      But more importantly, see if your spouse can help you – by talking to his family about your concerns, & maybe give you pointers on how to deal with them….if he’s willing

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