I WANT TO CONNECT, NOT be enmeshed

PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 2)

WHAT Boundaries (Bs) can NOT DO
re. US
• having your own boundaries ourself does not create Bs for others
• by themselves, Bs don’t fix the damage in our ‘spirit’. The WIC needs healing before we can enforce our personal space
• they’re not about Right & Wrong. They’re based on our own value system & perspective, so may be totally different from someone else’s, rather than bad.

• Bs are not a form of deprivation, nor limit our joy. Instead – with Bs we attract people who respect & care about us. So, our relationships get better, & we enjoy our activities because they match our values
• B are not set in stone. As we Heal & Grow, our Bs also expand & improve. We have the right to evolve, deciding what does & doesn’t work for us.

re. OTHERS
• Bs are not mean, selfish or ‘unfair’ just because someone else doesn’t like them. That may be how they feel, but it’s not accurate. We set Bs for separation or protection from people who will otherwise ignore or trample on our needs & feelings. Sticking to our Bs is a way to maintain our integrity

• Bs are not attempts to control or punish others (don’t confused them with ultimatums or demands). They’re not a way to force people to change or do what we want – since that’s not possible. We can sometimes ask others to make a change, but have no control over whether they will or not (MORE….)

• Bs can not control, change or stop narcissist, bully & pathological liars from trying to manipulate or control us.  We decide what we will or won’t put up with, but since abusers don’t listen, usually we just have to get away from them

• Bs should not be used to encourage unhealthy responses & behavior in others that are counter to our morals & beliefs.
EXP : Saying it’s OK with us IF someone acts self-destructively – ‘just not around us’.
We do need to distance ourself from someone who insists on staying Victim or Perpetrator, but we can point out kindly what we observe, for their benefit – as well as clearly state our own concerns & values.
EXP : “It hurts me to see you how you keep letting him/her belittle you….”

DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL (Es) Boundaries 
Healthy E. Bs lets us clearly know:
• Es just ARE, not good or bad, but a range from most painful to most joyful
• as adults Es don’t depend on others’ actions
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
• pleasant & painful Es come from our own behavior
AND with Bs —
• we can have access to a wide range of Es
• we do not blame PPT for events, taking responsibility for our feelings
• we accept Es we’ve been taught to disapprove (jealousy, greed, shame, indifference, rage….) & have compassion for ourself when they come up
• we have control over which Es we express to others (who & where)

a. For OURSELF — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• acknowledge our Shadow self, without judgment or S-H
• are able to ask for help when needed
• are committed to & responsible for nurturing our full potential
• are responsible for our own happiness & fulfillment
• become our own Good Parent, for self-care
• don’t compromise values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
WE :
• have a strong sense of identity – know ourself well, have good self-esteem & self-respect – without arrogance
• know our own wants, needs & emotions (T.E.As)
• know our limits – not giving too much just so someone will like us
• know when a problem is ours & when it is NOT
• talk to ourself with gentleness, respect & humor
• value our opinions & feelings as much as those of others (often more)

b. About OTHERS — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment
• allow others to define their own Bs & limits
• are ok with others having intense emotions, without having to fix them
• communicate our Bs clearly in all relationships
• develop appropriate trust, based on current reality (what we know about them)
• don’t tolerate emotional abuse or disrespect from anyone
WE :
• have an equal partnership & expect reciprocity in close relationships, sharing responsibility & power
• have respect for others – not taking advantage of someone’s kindness or generosity, AND not letting others take advantage of ours
• move carefully, thoughtfully, step-by-step into emotional intimacy
• share sensitive information gradually, & only in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship

NEXT: Mental & Physical Bs #2