PREVIOUS : N ‘Helpers’ – BYSTANDERS (#1c)
SITE:“The Codependent/ Narcissist Dance” Explains the “Human Magnet Syndrome” – very well.
POSTS : Co-dep Negatives // Feeling sorry for // Roles & Co-dep // Co-dep & the False Self
1. BYSTANDERS
2. ENABLERs
In general, enablers are people who help someone else reach a goal, similar to being empowering.
BUT the term usually refers to those who :
a. support another person to continue self-destructive behavior (addiction, self-deprivation…) OR
b. ‘help’ an abuser continue to harm their victims (NPDs, bullies, domestic abusers….).
This category of enablers validate the N’s inflated self-image & exaggerated sense of entitlement, making it easy for them to keep being harmful & avoiding the consequences of their actions.
““N Enablers” (YOU?) are wounded adults shaped by N parents & other adults. No child has the 
personal skills, power or option to escape, & so has to cope by giving the N what they wanted (worship & obedience).
This survival technique then becomes a lifelong pattern, one so malignant & intense that they feel like they can’t live without a Narc to enable.
IRONY: The feeling of control exchanged between the N & Enabler is completely illusory – neither one is in control of their own behavior, no matter how many times the N may say they benefit from being with their ‘helper’. The actual outcome is to make the N more parasitic & the enabler more depleted.
TYPES
⁍ Cowards – They’re afraid of upsetting or angering the N in any way, especially if they are intensely dependent on the N (adult-child wanting their inheritance, a worker needing their job, a mate not wanting to lose family & stability…..).
Trying to hang on to an important advantage to themself, cowards go along with whatever mayhem or cruelty the N comes up with. Self-interest overrides self-preservation & conscience
⁍ Empaths (E) – They have a blind spot re. the scheming nature of Ns, not able to imagine that anyone would deliberately cause the kind of drama & misery Ns revel in. Knowing what works with victims, the N (temporarily) mirrors the E’s good nature, trauma-bonding them to the N’s false persona
⁍ Meddlers – interfere in relationships & situations to shield someone from the consequences of their negative actions. Meddlers usually react to the N’s theatrics, chasing the thrill of being in the Rescuer Role. Without boundaries – they’re vulnerable to the N’s constant outpouring of self-‘misery’, which may be laced with suicide threats. They are convinced their help will end the N’s suffering (Not) 
⁍ People-Pleasers – Chasing approval & validation, they have a deep need to be praised as heroic, seeing themself as peacemaker, rescuer or savior. They justify this grandiosity by minimizing the N’s harmful behaviors & validating the N’s worldview. They rely on platitudes about the N, like “Everyone makes mistakes, Everyone deserves a second chance, They’ll outgrow it someday, Love conquers all”…...
Without Recovery
Enablers need to feel needed to boost their own insecurities & reinforce the assumption that the world is a fair & predictable place. They see Ns as a wounded child they can love into mental health. If they could only push the right buttons, the N would be healed & (then) be forever grateful!
Reality : You’ll never get it ‘just right’ when dealing with a N, so when you inevitably displease them it will always be your fault – which you’ll pay for, & keep on paying for. Nothing will ever erase the N’s disappointment in your inadequate / imperfect efforts on their behalf!
😮 Q: Why do enablers keep on attaching themselves to abusers ?
ANS: It’s what they know from childhood. Also – anything else feels boring after being in long-term relationships which are chaotic & dramatic, interlaced alternately with pain & relief. Very addictive.
Some enablers are so moved by this intensity that they’re sure the N is their “true love soulmate”.
What True Love is will always be a matter of personal experience, but to be genuine & healthy it must allow both parties to breathe freely, even to stand apart at times. Ns will not tolerate that.
To stop enabling isn’t easy or fast – & not for the faint of heart. Yes, there will likely be pushback or retaliation from the N. So to strengthen resolve, you must also consider the dangerous consequences to yourself & your children – of doing nothing.
Also, when you stop avoiding & numbing the emotions your enabling has been protecting you from, you’ll start to experience painful feelings – historical & more recent. But it’s the only way to heal, & YOU’re worth it!
(POSTs : “ Outgrowing co-dep“)
«
NEXT: Flying Monkeys #3a
