ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 1)

I know to be safe!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs – L. in Childhood (#2)

SITE: “Does Childhood abandonment equate Adult Loneliness?

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

QUOTE:” Loneliness is the poverty of the self. Solitude is the richness of the Self.” ~ May Sarton, American Poet

NOTE: Loneliness is one result of the many PMES ways we were abandoned as kids. FEAR + INSECURITY LOVE = Loneliness.

DEF: Being alone when we desire otherwise, a discrepancy between what we have socially & what we’d like to have, an inability to find meaning in our life….
Studies about L. yielded 40 emotion-type words linked to it, including : boredom, feeling different, helpless, hopeless, rejected, self-pitying, not understood…..

1. ACoA Loneliness (L.)
It’s inevitable that we bring with us, from childhood, unhealthy self-treatment we experienced in our environment which created Loneliness at that time, but was not our fault!
So naturally, as adults, our actions & beliefs add to the (mostly invisible) iceberg of L. by continuing self-defeating patterns – until we do deep FoO work to fill the internal void.

a. Protecting Ourselves
Given all the physical & emotional danger we were subjected to as kids, it makes sense that we end up compressing ourselves into a small internal ball of fear – like any wounded creature. We hide from others as protection – in PLACE OF real, healthy Boundaries (Bs).

Extroverts hide very differently than Introverts, but it’s still hiding.
• Unfortunately we also have to hide from ourselves too, so we end up not knowing who we really are!
• Fortunately, once we’ve developed & internalized Bs we don’t have to hide anymore. Then we choose how much to reveal & how much to hold back, able to choose who’s safe for us & who’s not.

The Loneliness: While we’re trying to protect ourselves from everyone else’s fear, envy, greed, control, manipulation…. & especially their rage – we’re stuck inside our shell, adding to our sense of separateness & isolation – whether alone or with others.

b. Protecting Others
Self-Hate is expressed in our Ts, Es. & As, so it covers every aspect of life. As kids we came to believe that we were very, very bad, even evil, so now it feels like we’re carrying a monster inside – which we incorrectly assume is the WIC, whether we’re familiar with the concept or not. Some of us have even tried (or wanted to) commit suicide – to get rid of it. It’s made up of:

• The PP : Actually – the ‘monster’ is the Negative Introject , our internalized accumulation of all the crazy & abusive adults we grew up with. They had lots of rage too, even if they never showed it. So we’re carrying theirs & ours.

• Our rage: This is the other part of the ‘monster’, the part of us that is powerfully, sometimes uncontrollably furious. And why not. We were alternately neglected & tortured by the very people who were supposed to love us.

• While trying to protect ourselves from the big bad world, this combined rage is so intense & huge that most of us concluded a long time ago we have to protect the world from our monster, so we wouldn’t get abandoned again or kill someone, because we feel it’s so out of our control.

The Loneliness: Being alone with our monster component (made up of emotional pain & Toxic Beliefs) is terrifying, but we figure it’s better than the alternative. Keeping it under wraps, even from ourselves, separates us from everyone at a very deep level.
We become —
clingers, who can’t seem to live without some sort of relationship, no matter how bad, & have to be extra ‘nice’ so they won’t know, OR
hiders, who are co-dependent, depressive or passive-aggressive, internally isolated while seemingly sociable, OR
erupters, whose rage keeps most everyone away, as we spew out accumulated anger anyplace or anytime something sets us off. But that just brings up more S-H.  💔

NEXT: Adult Loneliness #2

3 thoughts on “ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 1)

  1. I often read on this topic but find myself uneasy or distancing myself form the material. You levy such painful truths such as “rage” with an explanation “And why not. We were alternately…”
    That’s the difference right there – it makes it easier to acknowledge hidden rage without feeling further damaged by such admission.

    And I had to laugh a bit….you also have a knack for “busting” us, well, me anyway! LOL

    A question..where did “Pig parent” reference come from?

    Keep up the excellent work, with gratitude…. a professional chameleon/extrovert 😉


    • Yeah… our rage… how could we not be angry? & why do we fear admitting it?
      The term Pig Parent comes from Games People Play, by Eric Berne.


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