ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 2)


 PREVIOUS : Adult Loneliness #1

<— “Alone in a crowd” by DMT


1. ACoA Loneliness (L.) (cont.)
a. Protecting Ourselves
b. Protecting Others

c. Not Eligible
DEF of Eligible: Qualified, Entitled, Desirable or Worthy to be chosen / wanted. Having access to benefits. ‘Qualified’ implies earning the criteria for something, whereas ‘eligible’ implies you already have it (inborn &/or learned).

• Because of all the neglect & rejection from our family, we grow up not allowed to have our rights, feeling NOT eligible …..
….. to belong – anywhere – so we become paranoid, projecting rejection onto anyone who is not totally, continually attentive, yet not trusting that anyone will really like us  – even when they’re kind
don't be happy….. for anything good, positive, easy, so we’re always longing
….. to know our needs (much less to receive them), so we anxiously wait for others to intuit & provide them, who can’t possibly guess
NOT eligible …..
….. to be visibleso we can’t take normal, appropriate risks, having to hide how we really feel, hide our strength & power
….. to follow our dreamsso we settle for crumbs, doing things we hate or don’t care about, get stuck in ruts, tolerate mediocrity & boredom
….. to relax, feel safe & have fun (parties, vacations, or just ‘vegging’)
.… to enjoy any successes we do have – always afraid someone’s going to find out ‘the truth’ : that we’re really frauds!

✶ IRONY: Our accomplishments are not luck or accident, because we couldn’t have done all those things if we weren’t capable. ACoAs need to OWN our abilities & successes! Only S-H & the PP tell us that we’re frauds!

The Loneliness: This is harder to identify because it comes from having to hide large chunks of ourselves – so we can’t really connect with the world on an even footing, from our True Self.

d. Addictions
We know addictions are used to prevent re-experiencing traumatic events & re-feeling painful emotions too overwhelming to bear, never having learned how to understand & process them in healthy ways.
And it’s not just abusing drugs & alcohol, but overdoing any type of activity (process addiction) – the misuse of food, money, exercise.  Also TV & internet trancing, & of course love, romance & fantasy.
ACoAs are also addicted to the brain chemical Adrenalin – that ‘high’ feeling from exciting or scary mental & physical drama that is so familiar from the chaos of our childhood.

The Loneliness: Whether we act out an addiction around others or in isolation, there’s a deep pain we’ve suppressed, invisible to ourselves & sometimes to others.
All addictions carry with them a sense of shame – we know we’re not being authentic, that we’re doing ‘something wrong’ even if that feeling is unconscious. Hiding parts of ourselves from the world out of S-H is not the same as having Boundaries – which is choosing when / where / how / who to reveal ourselves to.

e. Poor Relationship Choices
• Being with people who are incompetent, irresponsible, under-achieving – ‘forcing’ us to take on too much responsibility – the burden of taking care of everyone else – but not our own needs

• Being with Narcissists who only ‘see’ themselves – never us (“Put a sweater on, I’m cold”) –  who can only talk about themselves, are controlling & insensitive, even mean.
with narcissistSo we stay silent, never quite knowing what to say because we’re always stunned into muteness by their outrageous comments! We’re invisible to them  – yet futilely keep trying to connect!

The Loneliness: When we’re with unhealed people, we’re actually alone because of their inability to be emotionally present. And those of us ACoAs who can’t seem to leave family, lovers, friends, jobs – even though they don’t suit – are symbiotically attached. Symbiosis is both an attempt to alleviate Loneliness and a substitute for having healthy boundaries & genuine Trust.

• This type of negative attachment was originally forced on us by family, & we’re afraid to break the enmeshment. Contrary to how it ‘feels’, being symbiotic is very lonely : picture walking around hugging someone very tightly – all the time (one of you is always walking backwards!) & then ask yourself – “Can I actually see this person & can they see me?”
NO, because you’re both looking over each others’ shoulder!

NEXT: Adult Loneliness, Part 3

4 thoughts on “ACoAs – Adult Loneliness (Part 2)

  1. Hi there,

    I just had a question for you,are all this postings heal and grow for Acoa’s Part of a book you have written,I find them very useful and enlightening? Thanks!

    On Tue, Jun 19, 2018 at 4:59 AM HEAL & GROW for ACoAs wrote:

    > dmtorbi posted: ” PREVIOUS : Adult Loneliness #1 crowd” by DMT 1. ACoA Loneliness (L.) (cont.) c. Not ELIGIBLE DEF: > Qualified, Entitled, Desirable or Worthy to be chosen / wanted. Having > access to benefits. ” >


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